ASPIRANTS THREE

The Incumbent.The Born Candidate.The Ambitious Mariner.

INCUMBENT:Sir Admiral, ’twas but two years agoI turned you loose against a feeble foe,Gave you a chance to write your unknown nameIn shouting letters on the scroll of fame,Stood by you with a firmness almost sinful,Fed you with honors till you had a skinful,Plied you with praise till drunk as any lord—And this, George Dewey, this is my reward!So drunken with success you seem to beThat you have visions of succeeding—Me!AMBITIOUS MARINER:Why, blast my tarry toplights! what’s this row?And which of you is speaking, anyhow?INCUMBENT (aside):He thinks I am beside myself. Alas,He sees, as through the bottom of a glass,Darkly. Strange how this pirate of the mainWith an eye single to his private gainBeholds things double! Would that I, poor worm,Could see in duplicate my four years’ term.The fellow’s looked too long upon the cup—I’ll get behind his back and trip him up,Break his damned neck, and then the tale repeatOf how, poor man, he fell o’er his own feet.That’s politics.[Enter Born Candidate.]Good Heavens, I am caught!BORN CANDIDATE:Hello, McPresident!INCUMBENT:Did you see aughtSuspicious in my actions?BORN CANDIDATE:Well, I guessThere might have been an aspirant the lessIf I had longer stayed where I was “at.”INCUMBENT:And may I venture to ask where was that?BORN CANDIDATE:Along the roadside, hidden in the ryeTo see the famous Admiral go by.A look had done me good if I had got oneIt happened, by the by, I had a shotgun.AMBITIOUS MARINER (to Born Candidate):Shiver my timbers! you’re a dandy crimp—That figure-head of yours would scare a shrimp.INCUMBENT (to Born Candidate):Let’s try less candid measures to remove him:Moral dissuasion would perhaps improve him.We can (when he’s not full of “old October”)Appeal from Dewey drunk to Dewey sober.BORN CANDIDATE (to Incumbent):Said like a lawyer (’tis a grand profession!)But that appellate court is ne’er in session.AMBITIOUS MARINER (aside):They think me half seas over. That’s all right—I’m full, but what I’m full of is just fight.(Aloud, scowling):Some sailor men—rough fellows from the fleet—Followed me here. They’re waiting in the street.They’re loyal, but in temper they’re unsteadyAnd[goes to the window and speaks out]Gridley, you may fire when you are ready.[Cannon within. Exeunt, hurriedly, Incumbent and Born Candidate.]That’s all—I never had the least intentionOf facing a political convention.

INCUMBENT:

Sir Admiral, ’twas but two years agoI turned you loose against a feeble foe,Gave you a chance to write your unknown nameIn shouting letters on the scroll of fame,Stood by you with a firmness almost sinful,Fed you with honors till you had a skinful,Plied you with praise till drunk as any lord—And this, George Dewey, this is my reward!So drunken with success you seem to beThat you have visions of succeeding—Me!

Sir Admiral, ’twas but two years ago

I turned you loose against a feeble foe,

Gave you a chance to write your unknown name

In shouting letters on the scroll of fame,

Stood by you with a firmness almost sinful,

Fed you with honors till you had a skinful,

Plied you with praise till drunk as any lord—

And this, George Dewey, this is my reward!

So drunken with success you seem to be

That you have visions of succeeding—Me!

AMBITIOUS MARINER:

Why, blast my tarry toplights! what’s this row?And which of you is speaking, anyhow?

Why, blast my tarry toplights! what’s this row?

And which of you is speaking, anyhow?

INCUMBENT (aside):

He thinks I am beside myself. Alas,He sees, as through the bottom of a glass,Darkly. Strange how this pirate of the mainWith an eye single to his private gainBeholds things double! Would that I, poor worm,Could see in duplicate my four years’ term.The fellow’s looked too long upon the cup—I’ll get behind his back and trip him up,Break his damned neck, and then the tale repeatOf how, poor man, he fell o’er his own feet.That’s politics.[Enter Born Candidate.]Good Heavens, I am caught!

He thinks I am beside myself. Alas,

He sees, as through the bottom of a glass,

Darkly. Strange how this pirate of the main

With an eye single to his private gain

Beholds things double! Would that I, poor worm,

Could see in duplicate my four years’ term.

The fellow’s looked too long upon the cup—

I’ll get behind his back and trip him up,

Break his damned neck, and then the tale repeat

Of how, poor man, he fell o’er his own feet.

That’s politics.

[Enter Born Candidate.]

Good Heavens, I am caught!

BORN CANDIDATE:

Hello, McPresident!

INCUMBENT:

Did you see aughtSuspicious in my actions?

Did you see aught

Suspicious in my actions?

BORN CANDIDATE:

Well, I guessThere might have been an aspirant the lessIf I had longer stayed where I was “at.”

Well, I guess

There might have been an aspirant the less

If I had longer stayed where I was “at.”

INCUMBENT:

And may I venture to ask where was that?

BORN CANDIDATE:

Along the roadside, hidden in the ryeTo see the famous Admiral go by.A look had done me good if I had got oneIt happened, by the by, I had a shotgun.

Along the roadside, hidden in the rye

To see the famous Admiral go by.

A look had done me good if I had got one

It happened, by the by, I had a shotgun.

AMBITIOUS MARINER (to Born Candidate):

Shiver my timbers! you’re a dandy crimp—That figure-head of yours would scare a shrimp.

Shiver my timbers! you’re a dandy crimp—

That figure-head of yours would scare a shrimp.

INCUMBENT (to Born Candidate):

Let’s try less candid measures to remove him:Moral dissuasion would perhaps improve him.We can (when he’s not full of “old October”)Appeal from Dewey drunk to Dewey sober.

Let’s try less candid measures to remove him:

Moral dissuasion would perhaps improve him.

We can (when he’s not full of “old October”)

Appeal from Dewey drunk to Dewey sober.

BORN CANDIDATE (to Incumbent):

Said like a lawyer (’tis a grand profession!)But that appellate court is ne’er in session.

Said like a lawyer (’tis a grand profession!)

But that appellate court is ne’er in session.

AMBITIOUS MARINER (aside):

They think me half seas over. That’s all right—I’m full, but what I’m full of is just fight.(Aloud, scowling):Some sailor men—rough fellows from the fleet—Followed me here. They’re waiting in the street.They’re loyal, but in temper they’re unsteadyAnd[goes to the window and speaks out]Gridley, you may fire when you are ready.[Cannon within. Exeunt, hurriedly, Incumbent and Born Candidate.]That’s all—I never had the least intentionOf facing a political convention.

They think me half seas over. That’s all right—

I’m full, but what I’m full of is just fight.

(Aloud, scowling):

Some sailor men—rough fellows from the fleet—

Followed me here. They’re waiting in the street.

They’re loyal, but in temper they’re unsteady

And

[goes to the window and speaks out]

Gridley, you may fire when you are ready.

[Cannon within. Exeunt, hurriedly, Incumbent and Born Candidate.]

That’s all—I never had the least intention

Of facing a political convention.

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