A STRAINED RELATION
The President.Root, Secretary of State.Taft, Secretary of War.Bonaparte, Secretary of the Navy.Metcalf, Secretary of Commerce and Labor.Dewey, an Admiral.Loeb, Private Secretary to the President.
The White House, October, 1906.
Root—Mr. President, the Japanese Minister complains that the children of his countrymen in California are denied admittance to the public schools.
President—That will be bad for their education.
Root—He regards this as an unfriendly discrimination.
Pres.—I should suppose that would be a painful conviction.
Root—He says his countrymen in Japan are greatly excited about it.
Pres.—What a jabbering they must make.
Root—He is making a good deal of noise himself.
Pres.—Dare say. Let’s ask Metcalf about it; he’s from California. [Taps the bell nine times—enter Secretary Metcalf.] Mr. Secretary, how about the exclusion of Japs from the Californian public schools, poor little things!
Metcalf—There are separate schools for them. The average age of the poor little things is about thirty years.
Pres.—How affecting! Many of them must be orphans. I was once an orphan.
Root(aside)—His levity fatigues. (To the President) Among the Japanese there are no orphans: those of them that have lost their parents have an official father in the Minister of War.
Pres.—What’s that?
Root—Their actual guardian is the ranking admiral of the navy.
Pres.—The devil!
Root—No; Togo.
Pres.—This is a mighty serious matter, as I said. Go at once to the Japanese Minister and disavow everything. [Exit Secretary Root, smiling aside.] Metcalf, tell Loeb to prepare apologies for Japan, for publication in the newspapers. Take the first train to California, and——
[Exit Secretary Metcalf. Enter Secretary Bonaparte, breathless.]
Bonaparte—Mr. President, the J-J—the Mapanese Jinister is in the offing with all his s-suite! He is sailing up the gravel walk this very m-minute! For heaven’s sake, go to the window and show your teeth.
[Exit Secretary Bonaparte, running. Tumult within: “Banzai! Banzai!”]
Pres.(solus)—What under the sun can I say to appease the pirates? This is what comes of the Peace of Portsmouth! It is this to be a world power with a contumacious province.
[Has had a bad half-hour.]
The Same, August, 1907.
Pres.—Mr. Secretary, it is reported that the Japanese in Hawaii are rising.
Met.—You don’t say so! Why, it is hardly six o’clock by their time. They are early risers.
Pres.—I learn from Secretary Root that Admiral Togo’s battleships are coaling. Now, what can that mean?
Met.—Let us ask Dewey. [Enter, thoughtfully, Admiral Dewey.] Admiral, the President has learned that the Japanese battleships at Tokio are taking on coal. What, in your judgment as a sailor, are they going to do with it?
Dewey—Burn it.
[Enter Secretary Root.]
Root—Mr. President, California is about to secede—we shall lose Metcalf! The entire Pacific Coast will follow. I go to glory or the grave!
[Exit Secretary Root. Enter Secretary Taft, with bottle.]
Taft—In this supreme crisis of the nation let us fortify our souls (filling glasses) for any trial.
Pres.(lifting glass)—Here’s confusion to the memory of the late Commodore Matthew Perry!
[They drink. Tumult within: “Banzai! Banzai!” Enter Loeb.]
Loeb—Mr. President——
Pres.—Where’s Root?
Loeb—In the East Room, playing draw poker with the Japanese Minister. [Renewed tumult within: “Banzai Nippon!”] The Jap seems to be winning.