A TWISTED TALE

Roosevelt, President.Hay, Secretary of State.Cassini, Russian Ambassador.

HAY:Good morning, Count. Sir, are you well to-day?CASSINI:Quite well, I thank your Excellency. PrayInform me if your physical conditionIs satisfactory to your physician.HAY:O no, indeed: I’m sounder than an apple.CASSINI (aside):The fellow’s wormy.HAY:Now, then, let us grappleWith “Bessarabian outrages” and such.Some recent—ah—um—er—have pained us much.Christians and Jews alike are up in armsHere in America, and this alarmsThe President. He tells me I’m expectedTo take a firm stand till the thing’s corrected.CASSINI:So good of him! That means there’s trouble brewing:If we stay wicked there’ll be “something doing.”If, for example, we ignore your cross talkYou’ll send a monitor to Vladivostok.HAY:O no, my friend, it might mean more than playIf public sentiment could have its way.Our people are so wroth it might mean warDid naught prevent—but that’s whatIam for.As ’tis, it means that an election’s coming,And to succeed we’ve got to keep things humming.CASSINI:In other words, it means just nothing.HAY:Yes,That is about the size of it, I guess.The Jewish vote, you understand——CASSINI:I see:To help you get it you apply to me;And my Imperial Master is the catTo pull your chestnuts from the fire. Well, “Scat,You beast!” is not the right command.HAY:My noble friend, you do not understand.What I shall offer to you for transmissionIs nothing but a courteous petition,Which if you pocket (winking) on your own head be it.I shall have done my duty as I see it.CASSINI:But how about your master?HAY:He’s all right;He must make faces, but he need not fight.CASSINI:Hand in the document without delay—’Twill go on file. I bid you, sir, good day.[Exit Cassini; enter Roosevelt.]ROOSEVELT:Well, John, I trust you broke no bones. Did youCaution that candle-eater what we’ll doIf one more Hebrew they annoy? Does heClearly perceive they’ll have to deal with Me?HAY:Well, I should say so! Sir, I plainly saidYou’d heap their land with tumuli of dead;Hang by the heels the Czar until he’d weepHis shoes full; load the sanguinary deepWith battleships until ’twould overwhelmThe seaboard cities of their monkey realm;Encumber it with wrecks and floating carcasses!ROOSEVELT:That programme is more strenuous than Marcus’s—Hanna, my master.Hewould never dareTo twist the tail of the fierce Russian bear.I’m big enough to tackle any brute![Exit Roosevelt.]HAY (solus):I too am quite a sizable galoot.

HAY:

Good morning, Count. Sir, are you well to-day?

CASSINI:

Quite well, I thank your Excellency. PrayInform me if your physical conditionIs satisfactory to your physician.

Quite well, I thank your Excellency. Pray

Inform me if your physical condition

Is satisfactory to your physician.

HAY:

O no, indeed: I’m sounder than an apple.

CASSINI (aside):

The fellow’s wormy.

HAY:

Now, then, let us grappleWith “Bessarabian outrages” and such.Some recent—ah—um—er—have pained us much.Christians and Jews alike are up in armsHere in America, and this alarmsThe President. He tells me I’m expectedTo take a firm stand till the thing’s corrected.

Now, then, let us grapple

With “Bessarabian outrages” and such.

Some recent—ah—um—er—have pained us much.

Christians and Jews alike are up in arms

Here in America, and this alarms

The President. He tells me I’m expected

To take a firm stand till the thing’s corrected.

CASSINI:

So good of him! That means there’s trouble brewing:If we stay wicked there’ll be “something doing.”If, for example, we ignore your cross talkYou’ll send a monitor to Vladivostok.

So good of him! That means there’s trouble brewing:

If we stay wicked there’ll be “something doing.”

If, for example, we ignore your cross talk

You’ll send a monitor to Vladivostok.

HAY:

O no, my friend, it might mean more than playIf public sentiment could have its way.Our people are so wroth it might mean warDid naught prevent—but that’s whatIam for.As ’tis, it means that an election’s coming,And to succeed we’ve got to keep things humming.

O no, my friend, it might mean more than play

If public sentiment could have its way.

Our people are so wroth it might mean war

Did naught prevent—but that’s whatIam for.

As ’tis, it means that an election’s coming,

And to succeed we’ve got to keep things humming.

CASSINI:

In other words, it means just nothing.

HAY:

Yes,That is about the size of it, I guess.The Jewish vote, you understand——

Yes,

That is about the size of it, I guess.

The Jewish vote, you understand——

CASSINI:

I see:To help you get it you apply to me;And my Imperial Master is the catTo pull your chestnuts from the fire. Well, “Scat,You beast!” is not the right command.

I see:

To help you get it you apply to me;

And my Imperial Master is the cat

To pull your chestnuts from the fire. Well, “Scat,

You beast!” is not the right command.

HAY:

My noble friend, you do not understand.What I shall offer to you for transmissionIs nothing but a courteous petition,Which if you pocket (winking) on your own head be it.I shall have done my duty as I see it.

My noble friend, you do not understand.

What I shall offer to you for transmission

Is nothing but a courteous petition,

Which if you pocket (winking) on your own head be it.

I shall have done my duty as I see it.

CASSINI:

But how about your master?

HAY:

He’s all right;He must make faces, but he need not fight.

He’s all right;

He must make faces, but he need not fight.

CASSINI:

Hand in the document without delay—’Twill go on file. I bid you, sir, good day.[Exit Cassini; enter Roosevelt.]

Hand in the document without delay—

’Twill go on file. I bid you, sir, good day.

[Exit Cassini; enter Roosevelt.]

ROOSEVELT:

Well, John, I trust you broke no bones. Did youCaution that candle-eater what we’ll doIf one more Hebrew they annoy? Does heClearly perceive they’ll have to deal with Me?

Well, John, I trust you broke no bones. Did you

Caution that candle-eater what we’ll do

If one more Hebrew they annoy? Does he

Clearly perceive they’ll have to deal with Me?

HAY:

Well, I should say so! Sir, I plainly saidYou’d heap their land with tumuli of dead;Hang by the heels the Czar until he’d weepHis shoes full; load the sanguinary deepWith battleships until ’twould overwhelmThe seaboard cities of their monkey realm;Encumber it with wrecks and floating carcasses!

Well, I should say so! Sir, I plainly said

You’d heap their land with tumuli of dead;

Hang by the heels the Czar until he’d weep

His shoes full; load the sanguinary deep

With battleships until ’twould overwhelm

The seaboard cities of their monkey realm;

Encumber it with wrecks and floating carcasses!

ROOSEVELT:

That programme is more strenuous than Marcus’s—Hanna, my master.Hewould never dareTo twist the tail of the fierce Russian bear.I’m big enough to tackle any brute![Exit Roosevelt.]

That programme is more strenuous than Marcus’s—

Hanna, my master.Hewould never dare

To twist the tail of the fierce Russian bear.

I’m big enough to tackle any brute!

[Exit Roosevelt.]

HAY (solus):

I too am quite a sizable galoot.

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