DUCKS
I SAID did Uncle Ned know what makes water run off a ducks back, and he said: “Yes, my boy, thats about the only thing that I am prepaired for to take a examnation on with out cribbin from the tex book. One time in the garden of Eden, Adam, which was takin home a bucket of coal oil, see the frog a sittin a sleep in the grass, and then he see the duck. The duck it snook up and pecked the frog real cruel on the spine of its back. If you catch a frog you will see the hump where its back was broke.
“Adam he said: 'You gum dasted beast of the field, why did you do that?’
“The duck tost its head contemptible and sed: 'Cause he makes me tired, he is so disgustin clean, always takin a bath.’
“Adam said: 'Dont you ever take a bath your own self?’
“The duck it said: 'No, I dont, cause cleanity is only but jest a habit, and water is pizen.’
“That made Adam so mad that he flang the whole bucket of oil on the duck, which smelt awful and has been aquaticleever since. It swims and dives and splashes all the life long day for to wash the oil off, but the water wont take hold.”
I said why didnt the ducks wash their selfs with soap, but Uncle Ned he shook his head real mournful and said: “No, no, I have suggested that reform to them many a time and oft, but the march of mind is mighty slow in this world and, so far, they wont do any thing only but just eat the soap.”
Ducks quack and the eagle he screams, and the high eany it laughfs when there isnt any thing funny, the cammel he snorts out of his nose and Franky, thats the baby, he gets soap in his eye and is like the battles roar! Frankys eyes is blue, but my sisters young mans is gray, and when she looks into hisn he looks into hern. And thats why I say how wondful are the works of Provdence!
One day when him and her was to the picture gally she seen one which she liked real well and she said: “Isnt that a duck of a paintin?”
Then he said: “Yes, indeed, I seen the other side of it. It is a canvas back.”
But Uncle Ned says if he couldn’t make better jokes than that he would write for the comicle papers and defy detecktion!
Mister Jonnice, which has the wood leg, he says one time he went to New Jersey for to be an editor of a comicle paper, and the second day a feller came in the office, wearin a long black coat and lookin like his heart was broke. He said good mornin mighty solemn and Mister Jonnice he said: “Welcome to the Temple of Meriment, cheer up and have a chair, hows buisness?”
The feller he said: “That depends a good deal on you.”
Mister Jonnice he spoke up a other time and said: “All right, Ile go home and ring the neck of my little girl and pizen my wife and discumbowel my father.”
The sollemn feller said: “You fill me with horrible! I beg you for to pawse and consider what a wicked thing that would be to do.”
Then Mister Jonnice he thought a while and bime by he said, soft and low: “Yes, I guess maybe it might be looked at that way, and I wouldnt do sech things only but for to help you.”
The feller he looked like he didnt under stand, then he said, the feller did: “Excuse me if I seem hard for to please, but how would them actions help me?”
Mister Jonnice said: “Why, aint you a a under taker?”
The feller he looked mournfuller than ever and said: “Alas, no, I am Rollickin Ralf, your chief contributer. God willin, me and you will make the Temple resound with gle.”
The Bible it says thou shall not kill, cause them which is killed they shall be casted in to a lake of milk and honey, where the worm tieth a knot and the fire is not quenched.