JACKUSSES
A FELLER was a ridin one, and every little while it would stop and bray. The feller he said: “For goodness sake, dont be 2 nusances to once. If you are a goin to sing you must trot along same time, but if you prefer to stop you got to hold your tongue. Ime a long way from home, and my wife is lyin at the point of death, and night is comin on, and I havent had my supper, but tween you and me I dont care which plan you adopt.”
One day when my father was in Nevady he met a Cornish miner comin up the grade to Virgina City, carryin a jackus on his shoulders, and my father he said: “Poor little animal! What broke its leg?”
The miner he said: “Ta blessit moke have luggit I all ta way from Reno, and I be givin he a bit of a rest fore ridin in to town, thats what brakit uns lag.”
Old Gaffer Peters has got a son which was a sailer, like Jack Brily, and the boy stopped in Spain and got married. One time he wrote to old Gaffer and sent the letter to my father for to be givehim, but my father opened it his self, cause he thought it was hisn. The letter had a photy grap in it of old Graffers little grand son. But my sisters young man he snook out the picter and put in a other one, which was a baby with the head of a jackus. My father he dident know, and he give the letter to old Gaffer, which looked at the picter, and then read the letter, and then thought a while real sollemn, and bime by he said: “When a young feller makes a fool of his self and marrys a wild Spainard his boys dont look like his home folks one bit.”
But father he said: “Why, Gaffer, I never see such a spekin likeness as that pictur is of you.”
Old Gaffer he put his spettacles on again and looked at it a other time, real long, and then he shook his head and said: “Ole age is onorable, but it makes a feller look like a dam rabbit!”
Jackusses looks like mules, and Franky, thats the baby, looks like he would bust, and Missy she looks at her young man, and says to her self: “How nice!”
But if she had saw him when he wank his eye at Mary, thats the house maid, she wouldnt think so, for winkin is pligamy and thats trigonomatry.
I ast Uncle Ned did he know what makes the Jackus bray, and he said: “Yes, I do. In the Garden of Eden Adam had a field of barly, and he told the animals that if they didnt keep out of it he would cast them all in to a lake of ever lastin fire. Now the jackuses tail was created up right, like it was the mast of a ship, so one day the jack he come to Adam and said: 'Ide like you to make my tail hang down like the other fellerses tails, cause they say Ime proud.’
“Adam knew that the jackus was really proud and he wondered, Adam did, why he wanted his tail down, but he done it and the jack thanked him and went away. Bime bi Adam he seen the jackuses trackx all thrugh the barly field, and it had et barly. Then he knew the jack had ask him to let down his tail so it wouldn’t show above the barly and be tray him. So Adam he said: 'You are a mighty smart feller for a thief. Ile keep my sacred word about that tail, but you will wish you hadent spoke.’
“So the tail hangs down, to this day, but evry little while the jackus yields to a inate ambition and primevle desire for to set it up like it was made, but when ever he tries to arise it it hurts him soawfle that he utters his soul in mournful song.
“Johnny, you just let the morral of this story sink deep into your heart and you will grow up a good man and some day be Presdent.”
If I was Presdent I would take my big sword and cleave the wicked Demcrats in twain, for the Bible it says them which is sinners shall have ever lastin life!
I said did Uncle Ned know what for Mexican dogs havent got any hair, and he said: “Yes, I learnt it from a old man script which I found in a Hindoo temple in Kansas. One day soon after the creation Adam he was a walkin in the Garden and he seen a dog with long curly hair which hung clear down to the ground. Adam he said: 'My! what a beautiful back of hair you have got.’
“Now, the dog was a fool and prouded his self on his hair, so he answered: 'You ought to seen it fore I had that fever. It hasent been the same since.’
“Adam he knew there hadnt been no fever, cause there wasnt any sin, for it is sin which makes a feller sick.”
I ast Uncle Ned was it sin which made Franky sick the time he had a pain in his lap and howled like he wascats. Uncle Ned said: “Yes, it was, cause the sins of the father shall be fisted on to the childern, and you are mighty lucky it was Franky in stead of you which sufferd for my wicked brothers Repubcan afiliations. It will be you next time if you dont stop encurrigin him to support a Presdent which eats with niggers. But I was tellin you about that dog.
“When Adam heard him lie he made a jump at him for to kick him over the garden wall, but the dog he lit out for Mexico so fast that the friction of the atmisphere set him afire and burnt his hair every little bit off. He lived for to found a large famly in the land of his adoption, but they are all bald just like he was.
“Now, my boy, you go and tell your angel sister about this, cause there never was a woman which dident say her hair used to be longer fore she had a fever. They are mighty funny, women be, and have got to be crushed out with a ironicle hand!”
Yesterday Mister Pitchel, thats the preacher, he was to our house, and he said to Uncle Ned: “Brother Edward, have you read in the paper a bout the cruelty of the warden at the Sing Sing penitentionary?”
Uncle Ned he said he did, and it was just like him, for he is a Repubcan.
Then my father spoke up and said: “Politics hasnt got any thing to do with it. Its cause the prisners is Demcrats.”
Mister Pitchel he said: “Surely, Robert, you don’t justfy mistreatin convicks be cause of their politicle faiths!”
My father said: “Yes, I do. When a fellers politicle faith makes him burgle, and garote, and bigam, and larcen, and shoot, and go to the theater with a other mans wife I say shut him up in a dark, unwholesome cell and give him fits three times a day with a black snake whip. If I was that warden and any news paper man come around pokin his nose in to none of his business Ide take him by the scruf of his pants and the seat of his neck and chuck him into the bay. I respeck the preachin trade much as any body, Mister Pitchel, but I bedam if I wouldent!”
Then Uncle Ned he said: “Robert, your eminent services in reformin the geography of this state entitle you to a respectable hearin, even when you dont swear, and I should like to have your views on penology more at length.”
My father he said: “What is penology?” and Uncle Ned said it was the sience of punishment. Then my father he said: “My views on penology is to lickum.”
Mister Pitchel he said: “Then you blieve in the eficacy of phisical torture?”
My father he said: “I blieve it hurts, and that is all I want to know about it. But come to think, I guess it does a heap of good too. When Billy and Johnny gets it, and they dont have to ask me twice for it, it isnt necessary for me to waste any time after ward a pointin out the wickedness of dizzy bedience and expoundin the beauty of a godly life. They seem to get on to all that their own selfs, and to remain in a proper state of mind for quite a little wile. What is good enough for my boys is good enoughf for stealers, and cheaters, and assassinaters, and fellers which buy ice cream for other fellers wifes, like I said be fore. My further views on penology is that when a gum dasted galoot is sent to prison I dont care a ding what is the nature of his xperence there, nor whether at the end of his term he comes 4th alive or not. If he didnt like the way the house is conducted he neednt have gone into it. The warden isnt a standin outside the front door invitin any body in for to share the ospices of the place. The sons of guns invites theirselfs!”
When my father had got done he looked all round for some thing to kick, but Bildad, thats the new dog, he knew what was up and snook under the sofa, and Mose, which is the cat, he fled afar.
But the Bible it says dont let your angry passions rise up and call you blest. And thats why I say man is of few days and full of woman.