MY CREDENTIALS
MY death occurred on the 17th day of June, 1879—I shall never forget it. The day had been uncommonly hot, and the doctor kept telling me that unless it grew cooler he would hardly be able to pull me through. He said he was willing to do his best and prolong my life to the latest possible moment if I wished him to, but in any case I should have to die in a few days. I directed him to keep on prolonging, but the heat grew greater and finally overcame him, and I died. That is to say, while he was absent at an adjacent saloon after a sherry cobbler one of my “bad spells” came on and I fell a victim to inattention. Things turned out exactly as medical science had foretold.
The funeral was largely attended and a society reporter was good enough to describe it as an “enjoyable occasion.” I had been a prominent member of one hundred and fifty societies, including the Sovereigns of Glory, the Confederated Idiots, Knights and Ladies of Indigence, Gorgeous Obsequies Guarantee Fraternity, Protective League of Adult Orphans, Ancient and HonorableOrder of Divorced Men, Society for Converting Lawyers to Christianity, Murderers’ Mutual Resentment Association, League of Persons Having Moles on Their Necks, Brotherhood of Grand Flashing Inaccessibles, Mutual Pall Bearers, and Floral Tribute Consolation Guard. All these societies, and many more, were represented at my funeral, some in “regalia.” I was buried under more auspices than you could count. Soon after, I was ushered into the Other World.
It is not like what you have been told, but I am forbidden to say what it is like. Suffice it that its inhabitants know all that goes on in the world we have left. Imagine, then, the delight with which I read in all the daily papers the various “resolutions of respect” adopted by the societies of which I had been a member. The Sovereigns of Glory said:
Whereas, Providence has found a pleasure in removing from among us His Majesty, Peter Wodel Mocump, our Order’s Serene Reigner over the Records; andWhereas, Our royal hearts are deeply touched by this exercise of the divine prerogative;Resolved, That in all the relations of life he was truly majestic and imperial._Resolved_, That we tender our royal sympathy to his surviving Queen and the Princess and Princesses of his dynasty.Resolved, That in testimony to his worth these resolutions be engrossed on parchment and publicly displayed for thirty days in the windows of a dry-goods shop.
Whereas, Providence has found a pleasure in removing from among us His Majesty, Peter Wodel Mocump, our Order’s Serene Reigner over the Records; and
Whereas, Our royal hearts are deeply touched by this exercise of the divine prerogative;
Resolved, That in all the relations of life he was truly majestic and imperial.
_Resolved_, That we tender our royal sympathy to his surviving Queen and the Princess and Princesses of his dynasty.
Resolved, That in testimony to his worth these resolutions be engrossed on parchment and publicly displayed for thirty days in the windows of a dry-goods shop.
The Protective League of Adult Orphans held a meeting before I was cold, and passed the resolutions following:
Whereas, The flower that bloomed under the name of Peter Wodel Mocump has been ruthlessly cut down by the Reaper whose name is Death; andWhereas, He was a pansy; be it, therefore,Resolved, That in his removal this League has lost a sturdy champion of the rights of orphans; and be it furtherResolved, That a general boycott be, and hereby is, declared against all orphans outside this Protective League.
Whereas, The flower that bloomed under the name of Peter Wodel Mocump has been ruthlessly cut down by the Reaper whose name is Death; and
Whereas, He was a pansy; be it, therefore,
Resolved, That in his removal this League has lost a sturdy champion of the rights of orphans; and be it further
Resolved, That a general boycott be, and hereby is, declared against all orphans outside this Protective League.
The Ancient and Honorable Order of Divorced Men eulogized me in the strongest language as one who had possessed in a high and conspicuous degree every qualification for membership in their Order. By the Murderers’ Mutual Resentment Association I was described as one whose time, talent and fortune were ever at the service of those injured in the world’s esteem by the judicial practice of alluding to the past. The League of Persons Having Moles on Their Necks said that, apart from the unusual sizeof my mole, I had ever shown a strong zeal for the public welfare and the advancement of civilization.
I gathered up these various evidences of worth. I got together all the obituary notices from the newspapers, which showed with a singular unanimity that I was greatly addicted to secret almsgiving (how did they know it?) and that I was without a fault of character or disposition. I copied the inscription on my headstone and the verses in the death-column of theMorning Buglehorn—some of its death editor’s happiest and most striking lines. Altogether, this literature made a pretty large volume of eulogy. I had it printed and bound (in the Other World sense) and copiously indexed. It was the best reading I ever saw.
The time arrived for me to appear at the gate of Heaven and make a personal demand for admission. I was notified of the hour when I would be heard, and was on hand. St. Peter received me with a smile and said:
“We are full of business to-day; be brief and speak to the point. What do you know of yourself that entitles you to a seat in the blest abodes?”
I smiled rather loftily but withouthauteur, and silently handed him the volume, bearing in golden letters on the cover the title: “My Record.” St. Peter turned over the leaves deliberately, read a passage here and there and handed it back, saying:
“My friend, you have run into a streak of hard luck. The persons who have given you so good a character—the societies, newspapers, etc.—are unknown to me, and I don’t wish to say anything against them. But they have been backing a good many applicants lately, and I have let in a few on their judgment. Well, this very morning I got this note. I don’t mind letting you read it if you won’t say I showed it. You will see I can’t do anything for you.”
He handed me a letter with about half the envelope torn off by careless opening. It read as follows:
Dear Peter,—There has been quite a number of disturbances in here lately, and three or four cases of scandalous misconduct on the part of the saints, one of whom, in fact, eloped with an angel. Another was arrested for pocketing some of the golden pavement, and some have been trying to become famous by cutting their initials in the bark of the Tree of Life. Inquiry shows that in every instance the offender is a recent arrival, always a prominent citizen and a member of a number of “societies.” I won’t overruleyour action, but really the character of this place is changing. I must ask you to stick to the old tests—a godly life and a humble acceptance of the Christian religion.
Dear Peter,—There has been quite a number of disturbances in here lately, and three or four cases of scandalous misconduct on the part of the saints, one of whom, in fact, eloped with an angel. Another was arrested for pocketing some of the golden pavement, and some have been trying to become famous by cutting their initials in the bark of the Tree of Life. Inquiry shows that in every instance the offender is a recent arrival, always a prominent citizen and a member of a number of “societies.” I won’t overruleyour action, but really the character of this place is changing. I must ask you to stick to the old tests—a godly life and a humble acceptance of the Christian religion.
When I saw the Name that was signed to that note I could not utter a word. I turned away and came Here.