THE POL PATRIOT
UNCLE NED he said: “Johnny, do you know about the pol patriot?”
I said: “Yessir, it can be tought for to talk, just like gerls, and says, 'Polly wants a cracker,’ frequent.”
Uncle Ned he thought a wile, and bime bi he said: “This appears to be a case of mistaken eye dentistry, though there really is a resemble tween the pol parrot and the pol patriot, particlar in their cast of mind and their deplorable habit of saying what you have got tired of hearin. But the patriot he frequent makes the welkin ring, where as the other sport she only just shreeks like laughfter in a toomb. Both is 2 leggers, but the patriots is hind ones, and wen he wants to think he mounts them like a step ladder and does the trick with his toung, mighty awdible.”
I ast did the patriot have wings, and Uncle Ned said: “Wings is used for to go some where, but the patriot isnt migratary. He never gets very far away from his mouth, cause that is his place of business. No, my boy, the patriot never deserts his country, for he loves it and it iseasy for to digest. He admires its instutions like they was pretty girls in white muslin gowns, servin pie. Its pocket is the haven of his hand, and the fat on his kidneys is public property dedicated to private use.”
But what he meant by all that rigmy roll is what floors me, and Billy is the same way. And thats why the Bible it says that wisdom is the root of all evil and flys from the rwath to come.
My sisters young man he said: “Johnny, if you was a sniposquatamus what would you rather be?”
I said it would be nice for to be a pirate, and he said: “Yes, I spose it would if it wasnt for the hangin, but I was thinkin mebby you would like to be a brother in law, which are usually acquited.”
Then Missy she spoke up and said he ought to be a shamed of his self, puttin wicked thoughts in to a inocent childs head, and tryin to break up a happy home, you never seen sech a dresin down as that feller got!
When it was all over he looked at her real sorroful and said: “Yes, I see I have went to far, dear, so if you dont mind I will just step in to the kitchen and take a carvin knife and cut my heart out. Johnny,you come with me for to hear my last words and wipe up the gore.”
But when I begun for to cry he said: “Never mind, Ime a awful firm chap, but not stuborn, and rather than pain your young soul Ile postpone the rash deed and content my self with slayin your Uncle Ned.”
Then Missy said he was a riddiclous old thing and wouldnt hurt a fly.
Flys are insecks, and a wops is a be, but butter flys is a catter piller at first, and then it is a crisanthemum.
And now I will tell you a story about Mister Gipple when he was a mitionary preacher in Madgigasker and had amast a considable frotchune in ephalents tushes. Mister Gip is always bragin about the kings he has met, and he says one day he met the king of Madgigasker, which said: “Ime told that you are a preachin aginst the gods of my fathers and have busted the heads off of some of them. Is that so?”
Mister Gipple he said: “Yes, brother, it has been a joy to me to spread the light quite wide, and Ime thankfle to say that a few of the ugly idles which you fellers bow down to have suckummd to the power of the everlasty truth as it is give meto see it.”
The king said: “Ime a little tired of them idles my self, dont you think it would help along the good mitionary work for you to convert Me?”
Mister Gip he was just happy half to death, and he said: “Yes, indeed, and if you have time we will begin right now. First you must stop cuttin your wives noses off for every little thing which they do.”
The king he said, the king did: “I stopt that this morning. They are all off.”
Mister Gipple he wiped away a tear and said: “You must bless them which hate you.”
Then the king he said: “The darn galoots darent come near enough to me for to hear the blessing.”
So Mister Gip he said: “Well, we will pass that for the present. When your dog dies you must not discumbowel your high priest on its grave.”
The king said: “All right, my priminister will do just as well.”
Mister Gipple he was mighty discuraged, but he said: “You mustnt have any of your nevews and nieces buried alive when you are took sick.”
The king said: “No fear of that, I have been in mighty poor health all summer.”
That shocked Mister Gip so much that he hardly knew what he was a sayin, and he showted: “Poor miserable worm of the dust!”
Then the king, which had been sittin on his hawnches, he rose his self up, mighty magesticle, and said: “I have made every resonable consession and tried to meet you half way, but when you call me names you are a goin too far. You jest put new heads on them idles, and give up all the wealth of ephalents teeths in which you waller, and take your gum dasted new fangle religion out of my kingdom, or I will skin your legs!”
But if any old nigger king would skin mine I would hurl him from the throne, for the Bible says that all men are created equal, and endowered with unavailable rights. And thats why the people are the sores of power.
Uncle Ned he said: “Johnny, one time in Indy I knew a natif nigger named Jejybehoy Bilk. He lived just out side the village of Ipecack-in-the-Jingle and had a mighty nice wife. She didnt wear much cloes, cause they was poor, but one day I see her a wearin a taggers skin, and I ast Jej what for she drest so warm in the summer. Jej he said: ‘Cause a tagger has arived in theseparts and is makin quite free with the peoples. Me and Mary Ann thinks that if she wears a taggers skin when she has to go out to gether sticks mebby the tag will think her a other tag, and spare her life.’
“I told him I thought it a good idee, and pretty soon after, when I met him again, I said: 'Good mornin, how is Mary Ann, and is she still wearin a taggers skin?’
“Jej he looked sollemn and said: 'Yes, Edard Sahib, a taggers skin and a taggers ribs too, in fact, she is wearin a whole tagger.’
“Johnny, she had been et.”