THE TOOTSY WOOTSY
UNCLE NED he said: “Johnny, you have wrote about all the other quadpeds which roam the plain, but I guess you have forgot the tootsy wootsy.”
I said what was it like, and Uncle Ned he said, Uncle Ned did: “It isnt like any thing which is on the earth, or in the heavens under the earth, or in the whisky and water which is all over the earth, but jest get your pencil and write what I say about it, for I have been in Pattigony and seen it in its natif wild.”
So Uncle Ned he lit his pipe and laid the blazin match real careful on Mose which is the cats back, which springed away like he was shot out of a gun, and said, Uncle Ned did: “The tootsy wootsy is found in many lands, for it is mighty audible and you cant miss it.”
I said: “Is it a animal, or a bird, or a fish, or only jest a inseck?”
Uncle Ned he said: “It is in a class by it self, though it is some like all them fellers, and snakes too. Thecolor of the tootsy is unknown to science, for, as Shakspeare says, it is subdude to what it works in, which is mostly dirt. When it is washed with hydrate of soap it is fire red from xertion and howl. It is a domesticle beast, same as the hi potamus, and roars like distant thunder. You will naturally want to know what it lives on, and that is the most singlar thing, cause it hasnt got much teeth, as a general rule, yet it is a beast of prey. Every thing which it can catch goes in to its mouth, and it is frequent pizened.
“The tootsy wootsy doesn’t live to a great age, like the ephalent, the turtle and the testator, but when 3 or 4 summers has past over its head it changes from a quaderped into a brat.”
I said what was brats, and he said: “A brat, my boy, is the frog of which the tootsy is the tad pole, or polly wog.”
Then I asked him did the toot drop its tail, like the wog, and he said: “I cant jest recollect whether it has a tail or not, but if it has I guess it better drop it, cause when it becomes a brat its mother, which is a great imitator of yuman being’s will wear it off with her palm.”
Then I said: “If I met a tootsy wootsy I would draw my big sword and cut its head off, and smash the spine of its back, and holler hooray!”
Uncle Ned he said: “Yes, I know you would, cause you are brave like soldiers, but jest now I guess you better go and wipe Frankys nose and slick him up a bit, poor little feller, cause his father is a comin home pretty soon, and we will give him the supprise of his life.”
So I washed Franky up, real nice and white, which howled, and Uncle Ned comed his hair. Bime by my father he come in, and while he was a takin off his over coat he see Franky and stopped with it half off. He looked a while and then he took the over coat the other half off and hung it up and came back and said: “That child looks quite a little like our Franky, doesnt it, Edard? Whose is he?”