THE LIFE AND COMICAL TRANSACTIONS OF LOTHIAN TOM.
THE LIFE AND COMICAL TRANSACTIONS OF LOTHIAN TOM.
This Thomas Black, vulgary called Lothian Tom, because of that country, was born four miles from Edinburgh, his Father being a very wealthy farmer, who gave him good education, which he was very awkward in receiving, being a very wild cross mischievous boy.
When he was about 10 years of age, he was almost killed by the stroke of a horse’s foot, which his father had; who had a trick of kicking at every person that came in behind him. But when Tom was got heal of the dreadful wound, whereof many thought he would have died. To be even with the horse, he gets a clog, or piece of tree which was full of wooden pins; a thing which the shoe makers used to tann their leather upon; and with a rope he tied it to the cupple balk in the stable, directly opposite to the horse’s tail, gets up on the balk and gives it a swing back so that the pikes in the end of it, came with a full drive against the horse’s arse; which made him to fling and the more he flung and struck at it, it rebounded back again and struck him; the battle lasted with great fury for a long time, which was good diversion for Tom, until his father hearing some disturbance in the stable, came in to know the matter, and was surprized when he saw the poor horse tanning his own hide, with his legs all cut and bloody, with kicking against the pikes of the tanners stool; so he cut the rope and the battle was ended, but the poor horse would never kick at any thing that came behind him afterwards, but always run from it.
It happened one day that Tom went a fishing and brought home a few small fish, which his grandmother’s cat snapt up in the dark; so Tom to have justice of the cat for so doingcatches her, and puts her into a little tub cogbome,[53]then sets her a drift into a mill-dam, ordering her to go a fishing for herself; then sets two or three dogs upon her, where a most terriable seafight ensued as ever was seen in fresh watter: for if any of the dogs assayed to board her, by setting in over their nose, badrons came flying to that quarter, to repulse him with her claws; then her vessel was like to overset by the weight of herself, so she had to flee to the other, and finding the same there, from thence to the middle, where she sat mawing, always turning herself about, coming her nose with her foot. The old woman being informed of the dangerous situation of her dearly beloved cat, came running with a long pole to beat off the dogs and haul her ashore: What now, says Tom, if you be going to take part with my enemies, you shall have part of their reward: then gives the old woman such a push that she tumbled into the dam over head and ears, beside her beloved cat, and would undoubtedly perished in the water, had not one of the people who were there looking at the diversion, com’d to her relief.
After this Tom was sent to the school to keep his hands out of an ill turn; and having an old canker’d crab witted fellow for his dominie, they were always at variance, for if Tom had got his whips, which he often deserved, he was sure to be revenged upon his master again for it. So Tom perceivinghis master hada close-stool in a little closet within the school, where he went and eased himself when need was: Tom gets a penny-worth of gun powdar, and strinkled it on the ground directly before the seat, and lays a little of it along in a train to the fire side, then perceiving when his master went into it, and as he was loosing down his breeches, sets fire to the train which blew it all up about his master’s bare hips, which scorched him most terriably, besides the fright; forwhich Tom was severely whipt; yet in a little after he began to study revenge on his master.
So it happened one day as Tom went into the master’s house, the wife was stooping into a big meal barrel[54]to bring out some meal; there he takes her by the feet and cowps her up into the barrel with her head down, and her bare backside upper-most; then runs into the school, crying, “O! master, master! the deel’s looking out of your meal stand wi’ a fat face, and a black ill far’d mouth: yon’s just auld nick and he be living.” At this the master run with all speed he could to see what it was, and found it to be his own wife speechless and almost smothered to death; but as she could not tell who did it, Tom got clear off; yet he was not satisfied without some more vengeance on the old fellow; and knowing his master had a fashion when he was going to whip the boys, if they would not loose their breeches willingly, he drew his knife and cut them thro’ the waistband behind: so Tom goes to a butcher and gets a raw pudding, and fills it with blood and watter and puts it in within the waistband of his breeches: then goes to school next day, and as the master was sitting with his back towards the fire, Tom lights a piece of paper and sets his wig in a low, which burnt for some time unperceived, until the flames came fizing about his ears: he first put out the wig by trampling it upon the ground with his feet, and being informed that Tom did it, flies to him in a rage, ordering him to loose his breeches, but Tom told him he was never so mad: then he drew his knife and whips poor Tom over his knee, and with great kicking and struggling cuts the waistband of his breeches through pudding and all, so that the blood gushed out; and Tom cried murder, murder, and down he fell. The poor dominie went out of the door crying and wringing his hands. Word flew about that Tom was sticket by the dominie, which made the people come running from several parts of the country round about to see how itwas; but searching him for the wound, found none but the empty pudding, which discovered the fraud.[55]Then two men had to get horses and ride after the poor dominie, who had by this time got two or three miles away; and when he saw them coming after him, crying to stand, and come back again, he ran the faster, untill he could run no more, but fell over on the road, praying him to let him go, for if he was taken back he was sure of being hanged: and would not be persuaded that Tom was alive, until they forced him back and he saw him: but he would be Tom’s teacher no longer; so Tom’s father had to seek another master for him.