THE COMICAL AND WITTY JOKES OF JOHN FALKIRK.
THE COMICAL AND WITTY JOKES OF JOHN FALKIRK.
A certain old reverend priest, being one night at supper in a gentleman’s house; and for one article having eggs, the server of the table, as usual laid a cloath on every ones knee, wherewith to hold their egg in when hot, when supper was over, the priest looking down between his legs, and seeing the white cloath thought it was his shirt-tail: and very slyly stops it into his breeches bite, and bite, which the lady and her maid observed, but was ashamed to challenge him; so home he went with the servet in his breeches, and knew nothing of it till going to bed, when it fell from him, his wife enquired how he came by it, he could not tell, but was surprized how he came to have more bulk in his breeches than formerly, but perceiving the name they sent it back again, the priest pleaded to be excused own’d himself only a thief through ignorance.[153]
An old gentleman and his two sons, being in a company, his oldest son sitting next him, spoke a word which highly displeased his father; for which his father gave him a hearty blow on the side of the head: A well said he, I will not lift my hand to strick at my parents, but gives his other brother that sat by him, a blow on the ear, saying give that about by the way of a drink, till it comes to my father again.
A sailor being traveling betweenEdinburghandLinlithgowwhich is twelve long computed miles: and as he was setting out in the morning about 8 o’clock, he seed a vain like young spark go running past him, which he never minded,but kept joggingon at his own leisure: and as he was going intoLinlithgow, about twelve o’Clock, up comes the young spark, and asked the sailor, what a Clock it was, why says the sailor, I seeyou have a watch and I have none, what is it? out he pulls his watch, ho said he, it’s directly twelve, and what do you think, it was half an hour after ten or I came out ofEdinburgh, I have walked it in an hour and a half; it is pretty well tript, says the sailor, but pray sir, what man of business are you? O! said he, I am a watch maker, I was thinking so, said the sailor, for you have made your watch to answer your feet, for those feet can’t answer a right watch, and I suppose your tongue can’t keep time with none of them do you remember where you went past me this morning about eight o’Clock; O yes said he, and off he went.
As two maids was coming from the milking of their cows, one of them steping over a style, fell and spill’d the whole peal full of milk from her head O said she, what will I do, what will I do, O said the other maid, let it go who can help it now, you can make it up again it is not your maiden-head: My maiden-head said she, if it were my maiden-head, I would think nothing of it, many, many a time, I have lost my maiden-head with great pleasure, and I got it ay again, it came ay back to its ain place again, but I’ll never gather up my milk again.
A sailor being one night in company with a country taylor, O said the taylor, but your trade is a very dangerous trade, do you ever pray any? yes said the sailor, when we’re hard beset we pray to blast one anothers eyes and limbs, if they wont be nimble and quick, a wow man but that’s a sad trade, said the taylor, and what trade was your father? why said the sailor, he was a sailor too, and where did he die, said the taylor? why he was drowned at sea, and O man! said the taylor are you not fear’d to go to sea? not I said the sailor: But what trade was your father? indeed said the taylor, he was a taylor as well as me, and where did he die? said the sailor, indeed he died in his bed, says the poor taylor. O then says the sailor, are not you afraid to go to bed lest you die there too.[154]
Three merry companions having met on a saturdays night at an Ale house, (a hatter and a shoemaker, and a taylor,) where they drunk heartily all that night, and to morrow until mid day; and their beats was who had the lovingest wife: So they agreed for a trial of their good nature that every man should do, whatever his wife bade him do; as soon as ever he went home, or who did not as she ordered him, was to pay all the reckoning, which was seven and six-pence, or if all of them did as their wives bade them: then they were to pay all alike: so on this agreement they all came away, first to the hatters house, and in he goes like a madman, dancing and jumping round the floor, his wife at the very time was taking of the pot and setting it in the floor, he still dancing about, now says the wife, ding over the pot with thy madness, so he gives it a kick, and over it went, and that saved him as he had done what his wife bad him do. Then away he goes to the taylors house, and in he goes dancing likewise, but his wife fell a scolding him. O says he, my dear give me a kiss? kiss my arse you drunken rogue, said she; then to her he flys and whips her over in the bed, up with her petty coats and kisses her arse before them all, and that saved him; then away they went to the shoe-makers, and in he goes very merry and dancing about as he saw the other two do: saying come my dear heart and give me a kiss: go hang yourself you drunken dog said she, so he must either go and hang himself directly or pay all the reckoning.
An honest highlandman not long since, not much acquainted with the law, fell out with one of his neighbours, and to the law they went; he employed one advocate, and his opposite another, and as they were debeating it in court before the judges, the highlandman being there present, a friend of his asked him how he thought it would go, or who would win the day, indeed said the highland man, his law man speaks well, and my law man speaks well, I think we’ll both win, and the judges will lose for they speak but a wordnow and then.
A young woman by the old accident having got herself with child, was called to the Session for so doing: and afterone elder another examining her how she got it, and where she got it, and what tempt her to get it; and no doubt the de’il wad get her for the getting of it; last of all the minister he fell a enquiring how she got it, which run the poor lass out of all patience about the getting of it, says the priest: tell me plainly where it was gotten, I tell you said she, that it was gotten in the byre, at a cows staike, and what other place do you want to ken about: but said he, he did not tye you to the cows staike, no said she, I did not need any tying, and how far was between the byre and the house? just butt and ben, up and down twa steps of a stone stair, then says the priest, why did you not cry to the folks in the house: indeed sir, said she, I could not get cried for laughing at it.
An old sodger being on a furlough from the north of Scotland, having got no breakfast, fell very hungry by the way and no ale house being near; came into a farmers house, and desired they would sell, him some bread, or any kind of victuals: to which the surly good wife reply’d, she never sold any bread, and she was not going to begin with him, he had but three miles and a bittok[155]to an ale-house, and he might march on, and she did fair enough when she gide bits of bread for naething to beggars though she gide nane to idle sodgers; he had naething to do there awa: Hute said the goodman gi’ him a laidle fu’ o’ our kail, he’s been ay somebodys bairn, before he was a sodger,[156]What said she there not a drop in the pot, they’re a’ in the plate before you, then gi’ him a spoon and let him sup wi’ us, the soldier gets a spoon and thinking he could sup all he seed himself, the first soup he put in his mouth, spouted it back again in the plate, and crys out O my sore mouth, the hide’s all of it yet since I had the Clap thenevery one threw down his spoon, the soldier got all to sup himself, the wife stood cursing and scolding all the while, and when he was done burnt both plate and spoon in the fire to prevent the Clap: So the soldier came off with a full belly, leaving the wife dressing the goodmans rigging with a four footed stool, for bidding him sup.
A great drover who frequainted a public inn in the north of England as he passed and repassed agreed with the servant maid of the house, for a touch of love: for which he gave her a six and thirty shilling piece: But on the next morning mounted his horse without asking a bill, or what was to pay, but sir, said the landlord, you forgot to pay your reckoning well minded, sir said he, I want my change I gave your maid a six and thirty to change, the poor maid is called on in haste, yes said she I got it, but it was not for that, throws it down and off she goes, her mistress understood and gave her the challenge, she told her it was so, but she should be up with him; so in twelve months thereafter, he came past with his drove, puts up at the same inn as foremerly; then the girl goes to a neighbour woman, and borrows a young child about three months old, comes into the company where he was, lays it down on the table, saying, sir there’s the change of your six and thirty, and away she comes; the child crys, and the bells rung, the landlord was ready enough to answer, O sir, said he, call her back for this will ruin my family and crack my credit, but sir said the girl, you thought nothing to ruin my character and crack my maiden head; peace, peace said he, my dear, here’s one hundred and fifty pound and take away the child and trouble me no more, well said she I’ll take it: But you will make more of buying cows than maiden heads; so away she came with the money, and returned the borrowed child to its own mother.
A churlish husband and virtuous wife one time fell sadly out, because the wife had given something to the poor, what, said he, mistress, I’ll let you knowthere is nothingabout this house but what is mine and you’re mine, and your very arse is mine; a well well goodman, then you will let me have nothingtake it all and give me peace: So away they went to bed the goodwife turned her backside towards the goodman, and as he was falling asleep, she draws up her smoke, and let’s fly in the goodman’s shirt-tail, which wakened him in a great fright, as he had been shot; ay, ay, woman, what are ye about; what am I about, said she, dear woman your filling the bed, not I goodman, for when my arse was my own I took care of it, and take you care of it now it is yours. O rise woman and clean the bed, and keep your arse, and a’ the liberty ye had before, and more if you want it, fich fich, what’s this! am a dirt.
A ships crew being one time in great distress at sea by reason of a violent storm, and being all fallen down to prayer, expecting every moment to go to the bottom; there happened to be an old gentleman a passenger on board with them who had a great big red nose with drinking ale and whisky; and being all at their last prayer as they thought, a little boy burst out into loud laughter: O thou thoughtless rogue said the captain what makes thee to laugh in seeing us all on the point of perishing, why, said the boy, I cannot but laugh, to think what a fine sport it will be when we are all drowning, to see how that man’s red nose will make the water bizz when it comes about it, at which words they all fell a laughing, and cheered the crew, so that they made another attempt to weather it out, and got all safe on shore at last.
My lovely Bett,
The beauty of old age, thy hoary head and loutching shoulders inclines to mortality, yet I’ll compare thee to an eagle that has renewed her youth, or a leek with a white head and a green tail, this comes to thee with my kind compliments, for the kisses of thy lips, and the kindness I had to thy late bed-fellow fiddler Pate my brother pensioner, ah! how we drank other’s healths with the broe of the brewket[157]ewes, we brought from boughts of the German Boors, but its nonesence, to blow the dead when in the dust, yet a better violer never scrided on a silken cord, or kittled a cat’s tryps with his finger-ends, hiselbow was souple as a eel, and his fingers dabbed at the jigging end like a hungry hen picking barley: I seldom or ever saw him drunk, if keep him from whisky and whisky from him; except that night, he trysted the pair of free stone breeches from Joseph the mason, and now my dear Bessy he’s got them he’s got them, for a free stone covers his body, holds him down and will do, and now, now, my dainty thing, my bonny thing, my best match for matrimony come take me now, or tell me now, I am in anger,[158]I’ll wait nae langer, I say be clever, either now or never, its a rapture of love, that does me move, I’ll have a wife or by my life, if she should be blind and criple, I’ll sell my win, for her meat and fun, the like ne’er gade down her thraple; so now Bessy I love you and my love lies upon you, and if ye love not me again some ill chance come upon you, as am flyting free and flitting free am both in love and banter; or may your rumple rust for me, I’ve sworn it by my chanter.
From John Kirk’s Wind-mill at Corky Crown.
Finis.