THE WITTY AND ENTERTAINING EXPLOITS OF GEORGE BUCHANAN.
THE WITTY AND ENTERTAINING EXPLOITS OF GEORGE BUCHANAN.
Mr. George Buchanan was a Scotsman born, and though of mean parentage, made great progress in learning.—As for his understanding and ready wit, he excelled all men then alive in that age, that ever proposed questions to him.—He was servant or teacher to King James VI. as his private counsellor, but publicly he acted as his fool.
It happened one day, that a young airy noble man went into the king’s garden to pull a flower for a young lady he fancied: George followed at a distance; so, when the young man found a flower to his pleasure, he would not pull it himself, but to find it again, without further searching, he covered it with his hat, and went away for his sweetheart: no sooner was he gone, but up goes George, lifts his hat, and pulls the flower, then cases himself on the spot, and covers it with the hat again, and away he goes. In comes the young man, leading his sweetheart to pull the flower below the hat; but as soon as he lifted the hat, and seeing what was below, he looked like a fool. The lady flies in a passion, off she goes, and never would countenance him any more. The young man being sadly vexed at this affront done to him by George, sent him a challenge to fight him, appointing the day and place where they were to meet. Being to fight on horseback, George gets an old stiff horse, and for harnassing, covers him about with blown bladders, with a little small stone in each, without either sword or spear, away to the field he goes, where the duel was appointed; so when George saw his enemy coming against him, all in glittering armour, armed with sword and spear, he rode up to him with all the speed his horse could carry him, and his horse, as is said being all covered over with bladders, the small stones in them, made such a terrible noise, that the gentleman’s fine gelding would not stand the battle, but ran away, and threw his master to the ground, which caused all the spectators to laugh, and saythe gentleman was more fool than George. The gentleman being so enraged at this second affront, he would fight with George on foot; but his friends persuaded him that it would be no honour for him to fight and kill the king’s fool, and far less to be killed by the fool, so they were advised both to agree; but the gentleman would try another exploit with George, for to have it said he was still the cleverest man, to hold him a jumping-bout publicly the next day thereafter. With all my heart, says George, and we will end in and about where we began; they not knowing his meaning in this. The place and hour being set where they were to meet next morning, George in the night caused a deep pit to be made, and the earth of it carried away, afterwards filled it up with dung from a privy, covered it over with a green turf, so that it might not be known by the other ground; so, according to promise, they both met in the morning against the appointed time: now George being the oldest man, and by them counted the greatest fool, the young spark permitted him to jump first, which he, according to order, performed; and jumped within a foot of the place where the groundwas falsified: the young man seeing this, made his performance afterwards with great airs and all his might, so that he jumped a foot over George, but to the oxters among clean dung; whereat the whole multitude of spectators cried out with huzzas and laughter. Now, says George, I told you we would end in and about where we began, and that is in clean dirt.
On a time after this, the king and his court was going into the country, and they would have George to ride before them in the fool’s dress, whereunto he seemed unwilling, but it was the king’s pleasure. So George was mounted upon an old horse, a pair of old riven boots, with the heels hanging down, and a palmer coat patched over with pictures of divers kinds. George rode before them in this posture, which caused great laughter and diversion until they came to an inn, where they alighted to dine; and in the time they were at dinner George went into the stables, and with a knife cut all the horses chaffs, not sore, but so as they might bleed. Now, as soon as dinnerwas over, and they mounted on their horses again, George riding before them as usual, in his palmer coat and old boots, they began to make their game of him: then George turned about suddenly, and clapping his hands with loud laughter; the king asked him, what made him laugh so? Laugh, says George, how can I but laugh, when horses cannot hold their peace? O my sovereign, says he, don’t you see how your horses have rent their chafts laughing at my old boots; then every man looking at his horse’s mouth, they were all in a rage against George; the king caused him to be dismounted directly, and charged him never to let him see his face on English ground. Now George knowing that nothing could reconcile the king at this time, he came away to Scotland, and caused make him a pair of great boots and put a quantity of Scottish earth in each of them, and away he goes for England to see the king once more. He hearing the king and his court were to pass through a country village, George places himself up in an old window, and sets up his bare arse to the king and his court as they passed by. The king was greatly amazed to see such an unusual honour done to him, was curious to know the performer; so he called unto him, asking him to come down, and finding it to be George, Sir, says the king, did not I charge you never to let me see your face again? True, my sovereign, says George, for which cause I let you see my arse. Ay but says the king, you was never to come on English ground again. Neither I did, says George, pulling off his boots before the king, saying, Behold, my Sovereign, ’tis all Scots ground I stand upon.—The king and his court being so diverted with this merry joke, George was admitted again to the king’s favour.
After this, there arose a debate betwixt the king and the queen about votes in the parliament; as the king had two votes, the queen would have one, and would needs be a parliamenter, or no peace without the preferment: this matter was committed to George by the king; so it was agreed among the parliamenters that the Queen should be admitted into parliament for a day; and accordingly she came, and wasreceived with all the honour and congratulation, as was due, and becoming her high station; but before any matter of consequence was brought to the board, George seated himself hard by the queen’s seat; all being silent, he rose up quickly, and lifted one of his legs, and then gave a great fart, which set the whole house a laughing; whereat the Queen was greatly offended, crying, Go take the rogue and hang him; to which George answered, A fine parliamenter indeed, to hang a man for a sinless infirmity, and that’s a fart. The Queen being so enraged at this affront put on her first proposal to parliament, went off in a passion, and never would countenance them any more. But yet to be revenged on George, she would never give the King rest till he delivered George into her hands, that he might be punished at her pleasure: which the king accordingly commanded to be done, knowing that George would rescue himself by some intrigue or other. No sooner was he delivered into her hands, to be at her disposal, but she and her Maries[196]pronounced his doom, which is as follows: As he had affronted the Queen among so great an equipage, who ought to be honoured in chief, and above all women in the nation, that he should be stoned to death by the hands of women. Now the time being come that he was to die, according to their appointment, he was taken into a park, where a great number of women was waiting upon him, with their aprons full of stones, to fall upon him, and to put him to death, according to the queen’s appointment.
His SPEECH to his Executioners.
Here’s a female band with bags of stones,To kill a man for rumple groans.I’m clean of rapine, blood, and thefts,Could I convert my farts to rifts;Since I, the first, for farting die,Close up the place from whence they fly;To commit my crime, I think ye’ll scarce,If once you do cork up your arse.And now since women stones do carry,Men need not in the world tarry.Judge if such women be chaste complete,With forty stones between their feet.But since ’tis so, ye will come on,The greatest whore throw the first stone.
Here’s a female band with bags of stones,To kill a man for rumple groans.I’m clean of rapine, blood, and thefts,Could I convert my farts to rifts;Since I, the first, for farting die,Close up the place from whence they fly;To commit my crime, I think ye’ll scarce,If once you do cork up your arse.And now since women stones do carry,Men need not in the world tarry.Judge if such women be chaste complete,With forty stones between their feet.But since ’tis so, ye will come on,The greatest whore throw the first stone.
Here’s a female band with bags of stones,
To kill a man for rumple groans.
I’m clean of rapine, blood, and thefts,
Could I convert my farts to rifts;
Since I, the first, for farting die,
Close up the place from whence they fly;
To commit my crime, I think ye’ll scarce,
If once you do cork up your arse.
And now since women stones do carry,
Men need not in the world tarry.
Judge if such women be chaste complete,
With forty stones between their feet.
But since ’tis so, ye will come on,
The greatest whore throw the first stone.
When he had ended with these words, The greatest whore throw the first stone, every one put it to another to cast the first stone; but knowing they would attain the character of a whore for so doing, they all refused, till the dying hour was past, and then he took a protest against them, and by that mean gained his life.
After this he was admitted to the Queen’s favour and presence, attending the court as formerly. About this time the French king not knowing how to pick a quarrel with Great Britain, sent a letter to the king, desiring it to be read before the Parliament, and the writing was as follows: Will I come? Will I come? Will I come?—This letter being read before the king and his courtiers, they all concluded that the French king designed to invade England; therefore they wrote a letter on purpose to send to him again upbraiding him with the breach of peace, and putting him in mind of the last treaty. The answer being read before the King and his Nobles, they all condescended that it should be sent as an answer; but George smiling and shaking his head, cried out,
Many men, many minds;Who knows what he designs?
Many men, many minds;Who knows what he designs?
Many men, many minds;
Who knows what he designs?
Then they asked George what he thought the French king meant by such a letter? to which he answered, I suppose he wants an invitation to come over to dine, and then go back in a friendly manner; but you are going to charge him with a breach of peace, before he has given any signal of offence or war: his letter is indeed dark and mystical, but send him an answer according to his question. Now George being ordered to write the answer, it was, And ye come, And ye come, And ye come. This being sent to the French King, he admired it beyond expression, saying, It was an answer more valiant and daring than he expected; so the enmity he intended was thereby turned into love.
About this time it happened that a malignant party in Scotland sent up a great spokesman to the King and Parliament, for the seducing of the church: George hearing of his coming, went away and met him on the bridge, and the salutation that he gave him was, the cutting off his head, and throwing it over the bridge, then ran to the king with all his might, falling down before him, pleading most heartily for a pardon, or without it he was a dead man; the king most seriously asked him what he had done now? to which he answered, He had only thrown the Scots bishop’s hat over the bridge, which made the king to laugh, to hear him ask pardon for such a small fault; but he had no sooner got the pardon sealed by the King’s hand, then he said, indeed my sovereign, I threw his hat over the bridge, but his head was in it. Geordy, Geordy, says the King, thou wilt never give over till thou be hanged.
After this, a nobleman in England agreed with the King to put a trick upon George, to try his manly courage, in sending him to a certain house for a bag of money. On his way home through St. James’s Park, they caused a sturdy fellow to go and set the way upon him, and take the money; he being armed with sword and pistol, came up briskly, and attacked George with these words, You, Sir, deliver what money you have, or you are a dead man: to which George answered, Sir I have money indeed, but ’tis not my own, and I am sorry to giveit; nevertheless, since I am not armed as you are to exchange blows for it, you shall have it; but pray do me the favour as to fire your pistol through the flap of my cloak, that the owners may see I have been in danger of my life before I lost the money; which he accordingly performed. No sooner had he fired it, than George whips out his hanger from below his cloak, and with one stroke cut off his right hand, wherein he held his sword, so that both his sword and the hand fell to the ground; but George lifted his hand, and carried it to the King. No sooner did he come before them, but they asked him, saying, Well George, did you see any body to trouble you by the way? No, said he, but one fellow, who was going to take the money from me; but I made him give me his hand he would not do the like again. You did, says the fellow’s master? Yes, I did, says George, let work bear Witness, throwing down the fellow’s hand on the table before them.
Now this last exploit of George’s caused many of the English to hate him, and among the rest, a young nobleman fell a jocking of George, in saying, he would be as famous a champion for Scotland as Sir William Wallace was: Ay, ay, says George, William Wallace was a brave man in his time. True, indeed, says the other, but when he came to London, we did him all manner of justice, and for honour of the Scots, we have his effigy in the shite-houses to this very day. And do you not know the reason of that, says George? No, I don’t, says he: Well, I’ll tell you, says George, he was such a terror to the Englishmen when he was alive, that the sight of him yet makes them beshite themselves. The English took this as a great affront, and forthwith caused Wallace’s picture to be taken out of that place.
There was a young English girl in love with a Scotsman, and petitioned him several times for to marry her, which he refused, and upon revenge thereof, she went to a Justice, andswore a rapeagainst him, which is death by the law. George hearing this, went into the prison where the young man was, and instructed him how to behave before the judge. So in the time of the trial, George came in, while the judge was cryingto the man, but never a word could he get him to answer, to tell whether he was guilty or not. After the judge had given him over for deaf and dumb, others fell a-shouting in his ears, but never a word he would speak. Then the judge perceiving George, called him, saying, George, do you know what is the matter with this man? Yes I do, very well, says George. What is it, says the judge? Why, says George, the woman made such a noise and crying, when he was ravishing her, it has put the poor man quite deaf, I assure you. Is it so, says the judge. No, no, says the woman, my lord judge, you may believe me, I lay as mute as a lamb, and never spoke a word all the time. Very well confessed, said the judge, and you have sworn a rape against him; go take the whore to Newgate, and let the poor man go about his business, and so it ended.[197]