Part II.[104]
Leper’s Landlady became very harsh to his Master, and very often abused him exceeding sore with both tongue and hands, and always chided upon him for more money, and to have all the money in her keeping, which Leper was very sorry for. It so happened on a day, after the Taylor had got a hearty drubbing with tongue and tongs, that he pouch’d his thimble, and was going to make a Queen of her? when she saw that, she cried out, ‘O will you leave me, a poor tender, dying woman?’ But Leper knowing the cause of her cursed ill-nature better than his Master did, advised him to take her on a fine day, like a mile out of town, and give her a walk, and he would stay at home, and study a remedy for her disorder.——Away they goes, but as she was always complaining of her health, and that she was very weak, she cry’d out frequently, ‘O it is a crying sin to take a woman in my condition out o’er a door.’ During their absence, Leper goes and searches her bed, and below the bolster he gets a bottle of rare whisky, of which he takes a hearty pull, and then pisses in it to make it up again, gets a halfpenny worth of snuff and puts it in also, shakes all together, and so sets it in its place again. Home they came again, and she was exceedingly distressed as a woman could be, and cry’d out, ‘It was a horrid thing to take her out of a house.’ The taylor seeing her so bad, thought she would have died, and ran as fast as he could and brought her a dram, but she in her hypocrisy pretended she could not take it, and called him to help her to bed. Into her bed he lays her, and he was not well gone until she fell to her bottle, taking two or three hearty gluts, then she roars out murder, for she was poisoned, she was poisoned. Bocking and purging began, and the neighbours are called in, she leaves her blood on poor Leper, and tells how such an honest woman brought her aebottle as another was done, and the murdering lown had stole it, and put in a bottle of poison instead of it. Leper took to his heels, but was pursued and carried before a Justice of the Peace, where he told what he had done, which made the Justice laugh heartily at the joke, and the Taylor’s wife was well purged both from her feigned sickness, laziness, and cursed ill nature, for always when she began to curl her nose for the future, the Taylor had no more to say, ‘But, Maggy, Maggy, mind the bottle.’
Leper was working with a master taylor in Glasgow, who hungered his men, and one morning just as the breakfast was set on the table, in comes a gentleman to try on a suit of clothes, the Master being obliged to rise, desired the lads to say the grace themselves, every one refused it, and put it to his neighbour, till Leper took it, and said as follows, with an audible voice, that the stranger gentleman might overhear him; “Oh, hoch, we are a parcel of poor beastly bodies, and we’re as beastly guided, if we do not work we get nothing to eat, yet we are always eating and always fretting, fidging and half fasting is like to be our fortune, scartings and scrapings are the most of our mouthfu’s; we would fain thank thee for thy fulness if ever it were so, but the rest of our benefactors are not worth the acknowledging, hech hey, Amen,” which made the gentleman laugh till he held his sides, and gave Leper half a crown to drink.
Leper was not long done with his apprenticeship till he set up for himself, and got a journeyman and an apprentice, was coming into very good business, and had he restrained his roguish tricks might have done very well. He and his lads being employed to work in a farmer’s house, where the goodwife was a great miser, and not very cleanly in making ready of meat, and snivel’d greatly when she spoke. In the morning when she went to make their pottage, she made a fashion of washing the pot, which to appearance seemed to him to be among the first pots that had been made; then she set it down before the fire till she went to the well, in which time Leper looking into it, sees two great holes in the bottom stopped with clouts, he takes up his goose, and holds it as highas his head, then lets it fall into the pot, which knocked out the bottom of it; presently in comes the wife with the water, and pours it into the pot, which set the fire-side all in a dam, for still as she poured it in, it ran out, the wife being short-sighted, or what they call sand-blind, looks into the pot, holds up both her hands and cries, “The losh preserve me, sirs, for the grip atween the twa holes is broken;” says Leper the pot was old enough, but do you not ken that taylor’s pottage is heavier than other mens: indeed lad, said she, I believe it is sae, but they say ye’re a Warlock, it’s Wednesday a’ the warld o’er,[105]and a woful Wednesday to me indeed, my pot might have lasted me this fifty years, a sae wad it een.[106]This sport diverted Leper and his lads thro’ the day, and after supper, knowing he was to get but some dirty bed, as the cows and the people lived all in one apartment,[107]he chused rather to go home; and knowing the moon was to rise a little after midnight, they sat long by the fire, told them many a fine story to drive away the time, and bade the wife go and make their bed to see how it might be; to save candle she made it in the dark, directly on the floor behind where they sat, shaking down two bottles of straw: a calf which chanced to be lying on that spot, and which the wife did not notice, was covered up with the straw, and the bed clothes spread over all. The most of the family being goneto bed, the wife told them several times to go to bed also; but Leper knowing of the calf, said, I’ll make my bed come to me, on which the wife began to pray for herself, and all that was in the house; so up he gets his elwand, and gives a stroke on the bed, which caused the brute to get up, and not seeing where to go, it fell a crying, and turning round, which set the whole cows in the whole house a roaring out murder in their own tongue, the wife ran to the bed above the goodman, and the whole family cried out, not knowing what it was, but Leper and his two lads whipp’d off the blankets off the brute, and it ran in among the rest unperceived, then Leper lighted a candle, and all of them got out of bed, paid Leper for his work, and more if he pleased, and begged him to go away, and take the devil with him. So home he went, but never was employed by that wife more.
Leper had a deal of the best customers, both in town and country; so one time he had occasion to go to the parish of Inchinan to make a wedding suit for a gentleman; after they were finished, he asked drink-money to his lads, which the gentleman refused: Leper resolved to be even with him, so goes to the hay-loft where the groom slept, and takes his stockings, breeches and jacket, sews them altogether, and stuffs them full of hay, makes a head, puts a rope about the neck, and hangs it on a tree opposite to the Laird’s window, then goes to the Laird and tells him that his groom had hanged himself, and that if he would open his window, he would see him hanging; the laird struck with astonishment knew not what to do; Leper advises him to bury him privately, the Laird said, he had not a servant he could trust, so begged of Leper to do it, Leper refuses, till the Laird promised him a load of meal: then Leper pulls all the hay out of the groom’s clothes, goes and gets his load of meal and sends it to Glasgow, then goes to the groom, and says hastily, lad, thy master is wanting thee; so the lad in a haste runs to see what his master wanted, the Laird no sooner saw him opening the door, than he cry’d out, Avoid thee Satan, avoid thee Satan; the lad says, What’s the matter, Sir? What’s the matter? Did not you hang yourself this morning? Lord forbid! said the lad: the laird says, If thou be an earthly creature, take that tankard and drink; which he did: Then says he to his Master, Leper called me up and said, you wanted me in all haste: Ho, ho, says the Laird, I find out the story now, If I had Leper I would run my sword through him: But Leper before that was away for Glasgow with his meal.
Leper was in use to give his lads their Sunday’s supper, which obliged him to stay from the Kirk in the afternoon, he having neither wife nor servant-maid; so on Sunday afternoon, as he was at home cooking his pot, John Muckle-cheeks and James Puff-and-Blaw, two Civileers, having more zeal than knowledge, came upon him and said, What’s the matter Sir, you go not to the kirk? Leper replied, I am reading my book, and cooking my pot, which I think is the work of necessity. Then says the one to the other, Don’t answer the graceless fellow, we’ll make him appear before his betters, so they took the kail-pot and puts a staff thro’ the bowls, and bears it to the Clerk’s chamber.[108]Leper who was never at a loss for invention, goes to the Principal of the College his house, no body being at home but a lass roasting a leg of mutton; Leper says, My dear, will you go and bring a pint of ale, and I’ll turn the spit ’till you come back, the lass was no sooner gone, than he runs away with the leg of mutton, which served his lads and him for their supper. When the Principal came home, he was neither to bin nor ha’d, he was so angry; so on Monday he goes and makes complaint to the Lord Provost, who sends two officers for Leper, who came immediately. My Lord asked him, How he dared to take away the Principal’s mutton? Leper replied. How cameyour Civileers to take away my kail-pot? I am sure, there is less sin in making a pot-full of kail, than roasting a leg of mutton, Law-makers should not be law-breakers, so I demand justice on the Civileers; the Provost asked him, what justice he would have? says he, Make them carry the pot back again; as for the Principal, a leg of mutton won’t make him and me fall out: so they were forced to carry the pot back, and Leper caused the boys to huzza after them to their disgrace.
There was a Barber which always plagued Leper, calling him a Prick-the-Louse; Leper resolved to be even with him, so he goes and buys three sheep-heads, and sends for the Barber and told him, that there were three Southland gentlemen come to his house, who wanted to be shaved, and he assured him he would receive sixpence for each one of them, this good news made the shaver send for a dram; Leper was still praising them for quiet good natured gentlemen, so Leper takes him to the bed where the sheep-heads lay covered, and desired him to waken them, for they would not be angry, or say an ill word to him, the Barber lifts the covering and sees the sheep-heads, runs out cursing and swearing, and Leper crying after him, Sheep-head Barber.
The Barber resolved to be revenged on Leper, so when he was shaving Mess John, he tells him that Leper was the drunkenest fellow in the parish; so Mess John warns him to the session, Leper comes and says, What do you want with me, Sir? Come away Leper, says Mess John, I hear a bad report of you; Me, Sir! I am sure they were not my friends that told you that. Indeed, I am informed you are a great drunkard; I a drunkard! you have not a soberer man in your parish: Stay Sir, I’ll tell you how I lead my life: In the morning I take a choppin of ale, and a bit of bread, that I call my morning: for breakfast I generally take a herring and a choppin of ale, for I cannot sup brose like my lads; the herring makes me dry, so at eleven hours I take a pint; at dinner another pint; at four afternoon my comrades and I join, sometimes we are a pint and sometimes three choppins;at supper I take a bite of bread and cheese and a pint, and so I go to bed: Mess John says, It’s extravagant Sir, it’s excessive drinking, I allow you the one half of it for a quarter of a year; says Leper, I’ll try it, Sir, and come back and tell you. At the end of the quarter he draws out his account, and goes to Mess John, who was sitting with his elders in the session-house, and says, Sir, I have a demand on you: On me, Sir! Yes, on you, Sir; Don’t you remember you allowed me so much drink for a quarter of a year, and I want the money; Am I to pay your reckoning, Sir? You allowed it, and if you won’t pay it, I’ll take you before the Provost: The Elders advised him to pay it or he would be affronted: so Leper got the money: When he was at the door, he says, Sir, will ye stand another quarter? Get away, says Mess John, and don’t trouble me. Leper says, I’m sure you may, for I was always two-pence to your penny.
THE END OF THE SECOND PART.