Part II.
We came again to a place near Sutry-hill, where the ale was good, and very civil usage, and our drought being very great the more we drank, the better we lov’d it: and here we fell in company with a quack doctor, who bragged us with bottle about, for two days and two nights, only when one fell drunk, we pushed and pricked him with a big prin, to keep him from sleeping. He bought of our hair, and we of his pills and drugs, he having as much knowledge of the one, as we had of the other, only I was sure, I had as much as would set a whole parish to the midden or mug, all at once.
But at last our money ran short, and the landlady had no chalk nor faith to credit us seeing by our coats, courage, and conduct, that we would little mind performance against the day of payment, so then we began to turn sober and wise behind the hand, and every one of us to seek supply from another, and when we collected all the money we had amongst us, on the table, it was but fourpence halfpenny, which we lovingly divided among us, but only three babees a piece, and as Drouthy Tom’s stock and mine was conjunct, we gave the quack again his sh——g stuff and stinking drugs, and he gave us our goods and hair, which we equally divided betwixt us, the whole of it only came to eighteen shillings and sixpence prime cost, and so we parted; I went for East Lothian, and Tom for the West; but my sorting of goods being very unsuitable for that country, I got but little or no money, which caused me to apply to the goodman for to get lodging, and it being upon a Saturday’s night was hard to be found till very late in the night. I prevailed to get staying in a great farmershouse, about two miles from Haddington; they were all at supper when I went in; I was ordered to sit down behind their backs, the goodwife then took a dish, went round the servants, and collected a soup out of every cog,[81]which was sufficient to have served three men; the goodwife ordered me to be laid in the barn all night for my bed, but the bully-fac’d goodman swore he had too much stuff in it, to venture me there, the goodwife said I should not ly within the house, for I would be o’er near the lasses bed, then the lads swore I should not go with them,[82]for I was a forjesket like fellow, and (wha kens whether I was honest or not) he may fill his wallet wi’ our cloaths and gang his wa’ or day light. At last I was conducted out to the swine’s stye, to sleep with an old sow and seven pigs, and there I lay for two nights[83]In the night the young pigs came gruzling about me very kindly, thinking I was some friend of their mother’s come to visitthem; they gave me but little rest, always coming kissing me with their cold noses, which caused me to beat them off with my staff, which made them to make a terrible noise, so that their old mother came up to argue the matter, running upon me with open mouth, but I gave her such a rout over her long snout, which caused her to roar out murder in her own language that alarmed the servants where they lay, who came to see what was the matter, I told them, their old sow was going to swallow me up alive, bid them to go and bring her meat, which they did, and the brute became peaceable.
On the Sabbath morning I came into the house, the goodman asked me if I could shave any, yes, said I, but never did on the Sabbath-day. I fancy, said he, you are some Westland Whig?[84]Said I, you may suppose me to be what you think proper to day, but yesternight you used me like a Tory, when you sent me into a stye to ly in your sow’s oxter, who is a fitter companion for a devil, than any human creature, the abominablest brute upon the earth, said I, who was forbidden to be eaten under the law, and cursed under the gospel[85]: Be they curs’d or be they bless’d said he, I wish I had anew of them; but an’ ye will not tak aff my beard, ye’s get nae meat here the day; then said I, if you will give me meat and drink for money, until the Sabbath be past, I’ll take on my wallat, and go along with you to the kirk, and tell your minister how you used me as a hog. No said the goodwife, you shall not want your crowdie man. But my heart being full of sorrow and revenge, a few of them sufficed me.
On the morning I went into the house, the goodman ordered me the pottage pot to lick, for, says he it is an old propertyto chapmen. Well I had no sooner begun to it, then out came a great big mastiff dog from below the bed, and grips me by the breast, then turns me over upon my back, and takes the pot himself; Ay, ay, said the goodman I think your brother pot-licker and you cannot agree about your breakfast? A well said I, goodman, you said that pot-licking was a chapman’s property, but your dog proves the contrary: So away I comes and meeting the goodwife at the door, bids her farewel for ever; but what said I is your husband’s name? to which she answered, John Swine, I was thinking so, said I, he has such dirty fashions: but whether was yon his mother or his sister, I lay with these two nights.
All that day I travelled the country west from Haddington, but could get no meat; when I asked if they had any to sell, they told me, they never did sell any bread, and I found by sad experience, they had none to give for nothing. I came unto a little country village, and went through it all, house after house, and could get neither bread nor ale to buy; At last I came to a poor weavers house, and asked him if he could lend me a hammer? Yes, said he, What are you going to do with it? Indeed said I, I am going to knock out all my teeth with it, for I can get no bread to buy in all this country, for all the stores and stacks you have in it: What said he, was you in the minister’s? I know not said I, does he keep an ale-house? O na, said he, he preaches every Sunday: and does he preach, said I? is it to harden your hearts? haud well together? have no charity? hate strangers? hunger the poor? eat and drink all yourselves? better burst your bellies then give it to beggars, or let good meat spoil[86]: if your minister be as naughty as his people, I’m positive he’ll drive a louse to London for the hide and tallow. Here I bought the weaver’s dinner for twopence, and then set out again, keeping my course westward. It being now night, I came to a farmer’s house south from Dalkieth, the goodman being very civil, and desirous of news, I related the whole passagesof two days and nights by-past; whereat he was greatly diverted, and said, I was the first he heard of, that ever that man gave quarters to before, though he was an elder of the parish. So the goodman and I fell so thick, that he ordered me to be laid on a shake down bed beyond the fire, where I lay more snug than among the swine.
Now there was three women lying in a bed in the same apartment, and they not minding that I was there, first one of them rose and let her water go in below the chimney-grate, where I had a perfect view of her bonny-thing, as the coal-fire burnt so clearly all the night, then another rose and did the same, last of all got up the old matron, as she appear’d to be, like a second-handed goodwife, or a whirl’d o’er maiden, six times overturned, and as she let her dam go, she also with full force, when done, let a fart like the blast of a trumpet, which made the dust on the hearth-stone to fly up like mist about her arse, whereat I was forc’d to laugh out, which made her run for it, but to smother the laughter I stapt the blankets in my mouth; she went to bed and waken’d the other two saying, O dole! what will I tell you? yon chapman has seen a’ our a—ses the night; shame fa’ him, said they, for we had nae mind he was there: I wat well, says one of them, I’se no rise till he be awa’, but said the old woman, gin he has seen mine, I cannot help it, it’s just like other folks, and fin’t a hair care I. In the morning the old matron got up first and ordered up the house, then told me to rise now for chapmen and every body was up, then she asked me if I had an use of laughing in my sleep? Yes, said I, when I see any daft like thing I can look and laugh at it, as well sleeping as walking; A good preserve us, said she, ye’re an unco body, but ye needna wait on our porridge time, I’se gie you cheese and bread in your pouch, which I willingly accepted, and away I came.
Then I kept my course west by the Pentland hills, where I got plenty of hair,[87]good and cheap, besides a great quantityof old brass, which was an excellent article to make my little pack seem big and weighty. Then I came into a little country village, and going in by the side of the house, there was a great big cat sitting in a weaver’s window, beiking herself in the sun, and washing her face with her feet: I takes her a civil nap on the nose, which made her turn back in through the window, and the weaver having a plate full of hot pottage in the innerside to cool, poor badrons ran through the middle of them, burnt her feet, and threw them all to the ground, ran thro’ the house, crying fire and murder in her own language, which caused the weary wicked webster to come running to the door, where he attacked me in a furious rage, and I to avoid the first shock, fled to the top of the midden, where endeavouring to give me a kick, I catched him by the foot, and tumbled him back over into the dirty midden dub,[88]where both his head and shoulders went under dirt and water; but before I could recover my elwand or arms, the wicked wife and her twa sons was upon me in all quarters, the wife hung in my hair, while the two sons boxed me about and before, and being thus over-powered by numbers, I was fairly beat of by this wicked webster, his troops being so numerous.
The same day as I was going up to a country house, I met on the way a poor beggar wife with a boy, who was both of them bitten in different places by a big mastiff dog, they persuaded me to turn back, but I said I should first see him: so up I goes to the side of a hedge, and cuts a long bramble full of prickles, which I carried in my left hand, with my sturdy staff in the right; and as I came near the house, Mr. Youffercame roaring upon me like a lion, he being a tyke of such a monstrous size, frighted me so that I ran back; but he pursued me so hard, I was forced to face about, and holding out the briar to him, which he gripped in his mouth, and then I stripped it through his mouth, and gave him a hearty blow upon his ear with my rung, which made him go tumbling to his master’s door, and when he got up he could not fight any, his mouth being so full of prickles by the biting of the briar, which caused him go about yuling and rubbing his mouth with his foot, the people of the house came running to bite me, but my briar had bitten him; they then called him in, and fell to picking the pricks out of his tongue.