THE COMICAL SAYINGS OF PADY FROM CORK.
THE COMICAL SAYINGS OF PADY FROM CORK.
Tom.Good morrow, Sir, this is a very cold day.
Teag.Arra, dear honey, yesternight was a very cold morning.
Tom.Well brother traveller, of what nation art thou?
Teag.Arra dear shoy, I come from my own kingdom.
Tom.Why, Sir, I know that, but where is thy kingdom?
Teag.Allelieu dear honey, don’t you know Cork in Ireland.
Tom.O you fool, Cork is not a kingdom, but a city.
Teag.Then dear shoy, I’m shure it is in a kingdom.
Tom.And what is the reason you have come and left your own dear country?
Teag.Arra dear honey, by shaint Patrick, they have got such comical laws in our country, that they’ll put a man to death in perfect health; so to be free and plain with you, neighbour, I was obliged to come away, for I did not choose to stay among such a people that can hang a poor man when they please, if he either steals, robs, or kills a man.
Tom.Ay, but I take you to be more of an honest man, than to steal, rob, or kill a man.
Teag.Honest, I am perfectly honest, when I was but a child, my mother would have trusted me with a house full of mill-stones.
Tom.What was the matter, was you guilty of nothing?
Teag.Arra, dear honey, I did harm to nobody? but fancied an old gentleman’s gun, and afterwards made it my own.
Tom.Very well boy, and did you keep it so?
Teag.Keep it, I would have kept it with all my heart while I lived, death itself could not have parted us, but the old rogue, the gentleman, being a justice of the peace himself, hadme tried for the rights of it, and how I came by it, and so took it again.
Tom.And how did you clear yourself without punishment?
Teag.Arra, dear shoy, I told him a parcel of lies, but they would not believe me; for I said that I got it from my father when it was a little pistol, and I had keeped it till it had grown a gun, and was designed to use it well until it had grown a big cannon, and then sell it to the military. They all fell a laughing at me as I had been a fool, and bade me go home to my mother and clean the potatoes.
Tom.How long is it since you left your own country?
Teag.Arra, dear honey, I do not mind whether it be a fortnight or four months, but I think myself, it is a long time; they tell me my mother is dead since, but I won’t believe it, until I get a letter from her own hand, for she is a very good scholar, suppose she can neither write nor read.
Tom.Was you ever in England before?
Teag.Ay, that I was, and in Scotland too.
Tom.And were they kind to you when you was in Scotland?
Teag.They were that kind, that they kick’t my arse for me, and the reason was because I would not pay the whole of the liquor that was drunk in the company, though the landlord and his two sons got mouthful about of it; they would have me pay it all, tho’ I did not drink it all, and I told them it was a trick upon travellers, first to drink his liquor, and then to kick him out of doors.
Tom.I really think they have used you badly, but could you not beat them?
Teag.That’s what I did, beat them all to their own contentment; but there was one of them stronger than me, who would have killed me, if the other two had not pulled me away, and I had to run for it, till his passion was over; then they made us drink and gree again; we shook hands, and made a bargain, never to harm other more; but this bargain did not last long, for, as I was kissing his mouth, by shaintPatrick, I bit his nose, which caused him to beat me very sore for my pains.
Tom.Well Pady, what calling was you when in Scotland.
Teag.Why sir, I was no business at all, but what do you call the green tree that’s like a whin bush, many people makes a thing to sweep the house of it!
Tom.O yes Pady, they call it a broom.
Teag.Ay, ay, you have it, then I was a gentleman’s broom, only waited on his horses, and washed the dishes for the cook; and when my master rode a hunting, I ran behind along with the dogs.
Tom.O yes, Pady, it was a groom you mean, but I fancy you was cook’s mate, or kitchen-boy.
Teag.No, no, it was the broom that I was, and if I had staid there till now, I might have been advanced as high as my master, for the ladies loved me so well, that they laughed at me.
Tom.They might admire you for a fool.
Teag.What sir, do you imagine that I am not a fool, no, no, my master asked counsel of me in all his matters, and I always gave him a reason for every thing: I told him one morning that he went too soon to the hunting, that the hares were not got out of their beds; and neither the barking of horns nor the blowing of dogs, could make them rise, it was such a cold morning that night; so they all ran away that we catched, when we did not see them. Then my master told my words to several gentlemen that was at dinner with him, and they admired me for want of wisdom, saying, I was certainly a man of great judgement, for my head was all of a lump, added, they were going a-fishing along with my master and me in the afternoon; but I told them it was a very unhappy thing for any man to go a hunting in the morning and a fishing in the afternoon; yet they would try it, but they had better staid at home, for it came on a most terrible fine night of south-west rain and even-down-wind: so the fishes got all below the water to keep them dry from the shower, and we catched them all, but got none of them.
Tom.And how long did you serve that gentleman, Pady?
Teag.Arra, dear honey, I was with him six weeks, and he beat me seven times.
Tom.For what did he beat you? was it for your madness and foolish tricks?
Teag.Dear shoy, it was not; but for being too inquisitive and going sharply about business. First, he sent me to the post-office, to enquire if there was any letters for him: so when I came there, said I, is there any letters here for my master to-day? Then they asked who was my master; sir, said I, it is very bad manners in you to ask any gentleman’s name: at this they laughed, mocking me, and said they could give me none, if I would not tell my master’s name: so I returned to my master, and told the impudence of the fellow, how he would give me no letters unless I would tell him your name, master. My master at this flew in a great passion, and kicked me down stairs, saying, Go you rogue and tell my name directly, how can the gentleman give letters, when he knows not who is asking for them! Then I returned and told my master’s name, so they told me there was one for him, I looked at it, but being very small, and asking the price of it; they told me it was sixpence! sixpence, said I, will you take sixpence for that small thing, and selling bigger ones for twopence; faith I am not such a big fool; you think to cheat me, now, this is not a conscionable way of dealing, I’ll acquaint my master of it first; so I came and told my master how they would have sixpence for his letter and was selling bigger ones for twopence; he took up my head and broke his cane with it, calling me a thousand fools, saying, the man was more just, than to take any thing but the right for it: but I was sure there was none of the right buying and selling such dear penny-worths: So I came again for my dear sixpence letter; and as the fellow was shuffling through a parcel of them, seeking for it again, to make the best of a dear market, I pick’t up two, and home I comes to my master, thinking he would be well pleased with what I had done, now, said I, master, I think I have put a trick on them fellows, for sellingthe letter to you: What have you done? said he, said I, I have only taken other two letters; here’s one for you, master, to help your dear penny-worth, and I’ll send the other to my mother to see whether she be dead or alive, for she’s always angry I don’t write to her: I had not the word well spoken, till he got up his stick and beat me heartily for it, and sent me back to the fellows again with the two: I had a very ill will to go, but nobody would buy them of me by the way.
Tom.A well, Pady, I think you was to blame, and your master too, for he ought to have taught you how to have gone about those affairs, and not beat you so.
Teag.Arra, dear honey, I had too much wit of my own to be teached by him, or any body else; he began to instruct me after that, how I should serve the table, and such nasty things as those: one night I took ben a roasted fish in one hand, and a piece of bread in the other; the old gentleman was so saucy he would not take it, and told me, I should bring nothing to him without a trencher below it: the same night as he was going to bed, he called for his slippers and pish-pot, so I clapt a trencher below the pish-pot, and another below the slippers, and ben I goes, one in every hand: no sooner did I enter the room, than he threw the pish-pot at me which broke both my head and the pish-pot at one blow: now, said I, the devil is in my master altogether, for what he commands at one time he countermands at another. Next day I went with him to the market to buy a sack of potatoes, I went to the potatoe-monger, and asked what he took for the full of a Scot’s cog, he weighed them in, he asked no less than fourpence; fourpence, said I, if I were but in Dublin, I could get the full of that for nothing, and in Cork and Kinsale far cheaper; them is but small things like pease, said I, but the potatoes in my country is as big as your head, fine meat, all made up in blessed mouthfuls; the potatoe-merchant called me a liar, and my master called me a fool, so the one fell a-kicking me, and the other a cuffing me, I was in such bad bread among them, that I called myself both a liar and a fool to get off alive.
Tom.And how did you carryyour potatoes homefrom the market?
Teag.Arra, dear shoy, I carried the horse and them both, besides a big loaf, and two bottles of wine: for I put the old horse on my back, and drove the potatoes before me: and when I tied the load to the loaf, I had nothing to do but to carry the bottle in my hand: but bad luck to the way as I came home, for a nail out of the heal of my foot sprung a leak in my brogue, which pricked the very bone, bruised the skin, and made my brogue itself to blood: and I having no hammer by me, but a hatchet I left at home, I had to beat down the nail with the bottom of the bottle: and by the book, dear shoy, it broke to pieces, and scattered the wine in my mouth.
Tom.And how did you recompense your master for the loss of your bottle of wine?
Teag.Arra dear shoy, I had a mind to cheat him, and myself too, for I took the bottle to a blacksmith, and desired him to mend it, that I might go to the butcher and get it full of bloody water, but he told me he could not work in any thing but steel and iron. Arra, said I, if I were in my own kingdom, I could get a blacksmith who would make a bottle out of a stone, and a stone out of nothing.
Tom.And how did you trick your master out of it?
Teag.Why the old rogue began to chide me, asking me what way I broke it, then I held up the other as high as my head, and let it fall to the ground on a stone, which broke it all in pieces likewise: now, said I, master, that’s the way, and then he beat me very heartily, until I had to shout out mercy and murder all at once.
Tom.Why did you not leave him when he used you so badly.
Teag.Arra, dear shoy, I could never think to leave him while I could eat, he gave me so many good victuals, and promised to prefer me to be his own bone-picker. But by shaint Patrick, I had to run away with my life or all was done, else I had lost my dear shoul and body too by him, and then I came home much poorer than I went away. The great bigbitch dog which was my master’s best beloved, put his head into a pitcher to lick out some milk, and when it was in he could not get it out, and I to save the pitcher got the hatchet and cut off the dog’s head, and then I had to break the pitcher to get out the head; by this I lost both the dog and the pitcher. My master, hearing of this, swore he would cut the head off me, for the poor dog was made useless, and could not see to follow any body for want of his eyes: And when I heard of this, I ran away with my own head, for if I had wanted it I had lost my eyes too, then I would not have seen the roadto Port Patrick, through Glen-nap, but by shaint Patrick I came home alive in spite of them all.
Tom.O rarely done Pady, you behaved like a man, but what is the reason that you Irish people swear always by shaint Patrick, what is this shaint Patrick?
Teag.Arra, dear honey, he was the best shaint in the world, the father of all good people in the kingdom, he has a great kindness for an Irishman, when he hears him calling on his name; he was the first that sow’d the potatoes in Ireland, for he knew it was a bit of good fit ground, it being a gentleman’s garden before Noah’s flood.
Tom.But dear Pady, is shaint Patrick yet alive, that he hears the Irish people when they speak of his name?
Teag.Arra, dear honey, I don’t know whether he be dead or alive, but it’s a long time since they killed him, the people turned all heathens, for he would not change his profession, and was going to run the country with it, and for taking his gospel away to England, so the barbarous tories of Dublin cutted off his head, and what do you think he did when his head was off?
Tom.What could a dead man do you fool?
Teag.Dead, faith he was not such a big fool as to die yet, he swimmed over to England after this, and brought his head along with him.[166]
Tom.And how did he carry his head and swim too?
Teag.Arra, dear honey, he carried his head in his teeth.
Tom.No, Pady, it won’t hold, I must have caution for that.
Teag.If you won’t believe me, I’ll swear it over again.