Al.Hush, they're just now coming out of the Grove. Oh admirable! How neat they are! How charmingly they look! 'Tis a heavenly Sight.
Ba.What! Are you possess'd?
Al.Oh, I know who they are; they're the nine Muses and the three Graces, I wonder what they're a-doing. I never in all my Life saw 'em more charmingly dress'd, nor in a gayer Humour; they have every one of 'em got Crowns of Laurel upon their Heads, and their Instruments of Musick in their Hands. And how lovingly the Graces go Side by Side! How becomingly they look in their loose Dress, with their Garments flowing and trailing after 'em.
Ba.I never heard any Body talk more like a mad Man in all my Days, than you do.
Al.You never saw a happier Man in all your Life-Time.
Ba.Pray what's the Matter, that you can see and I can't?
Al.Because you have never drank of the Muses Fountain; and no Body can see 'em but they that have.
Ba.I have drank plentifully out ofScotus'sFountain.
Al.But that is not the Fountain of the Muses, but a Lake of Frogs.
Ba.But can't you do something to make me see this Sight, as well as you?
Al.I could if I had a Laurel-Branch here, for Water out of a clear Spring, sprinkled upon one with a Laurel Bough, makes the Eyes capable of such Sights as these.
Ba.Why, see here is a Laurel and a Fountain too.
Al.Is there? That's clever, I vow.
Ba.But prithee, sprinkle me with it.
Al.Now look, do you see now?
Ba.As much as I did before. Sprinkle me again.
Al.Well, now do you see?
Ba.Just as much; sprinkle me plentifully.
Al.I believe you can't but see now.
Ba.Now I can scarce see you.
Al.Ah poor Man, how total a Darkness has seized your Eyes! This Art would open even the Eyes of an old Coachman: But however, don't plague yourself about it, perhaps 'tis better for you not to see it, lest you should come off as ill by seeing the Muses, asActæondid by seeingDiana: For you'd perhaps be in Danger of being turn'd either into a Hedgehog, or a wild Boar, a Swine, a Camel, a Frog, or a Jackdaw. But however, if you can't see, I'll make you hear 'em, if you don't make a Noise; they are just a-coming this Way. Let's meet 'em. Hail, most welcome Goddesses.
Mu.And you heartily, Lover of the Muses.
Al.What makes you pull me so?
Ba.You an't as good as your Word.
Al.Why don't you hear 'em?
Ba.I hear somewhat, but I don't know what it is.
Al.Well, I'll speakLatinto 'em then. Whither are you going so fine and so brisk? Are you going toLouvainto see the University?
Mu.No, we assure you, we won't go thither.
Al.Why not?
Mu.What Place is for us, where so many Hogs are grunting, Camels and Asses braying, Jackdaws cawing, and Magpies chattering?
Al.But for all that, there are some there that are your Admirers.
Mu.We know that, and therefore we'll go thither a few Years hence. The successive Period of Ages has not yet brought on that Time; for there will be one, that will build us a pleasant House there, or a Temple rather, such a one, as there scarce is a finer or more sacred any where else.
Al.Mayn't a Body know who it will be, that shall do so much Honour to our Country?
Mu.You may know it, that are one of our Priests. There's no doubt, but you have heard the Name of theBuslidians, famous all the World over.
Al.You have mention'd a noble Family truly, born to grace the Palaces of the greatest Princes in the Universe. For who does not revere the greatFrancis Buslidius, the Bishop of the Church ofBezancon, who has approv'd himself more than a singleNestor, toPhilipthe Son ofMaximilianthe Great, the Father ofCharles, who will also be a greater Man than his Father?
Mu.O how happy had we been, if the Fates had not envy'd the Earth the Happiness of so great a Man, What a Patron was he to all liberal Studies! How candid a Favourer of Ingenuity! But he has left two brothers,Gilesa Man of admirable Judgment and Wisdom, andJerome.
Al.We know very well thatJeromeis singularly well accomplish'd with all Manner of Literature, and adorn'd with every Kind of Virtue.
Mu.But the Destinies won't suffer him to be long-liv'd neither, though no Man in the World better deserves to be immortaliz'd.
Al.How do you know that?
Mu.We had it fromApollo.
Al.How envious are the Destinies, to take from us all desirable Things so hastily!
Mu.We must not talk of that at this Time; but thisJerome, dying with great Applause, will leave his whole Estate for the building of a College atLouvain, in which most learned Men shall profess and teach publickly, and gratis, the three Languages. These Things will bring a great Ornament to Learning, and Glory toCharleshimself: Then we'll reside atLouvain, with all our Hearts.
Al.But whither are you going now?
Mu.ToAntwerp.
Al.What, the Muses and Graces going to a Fair?
Mu.No, we assure you, we are not going to a Fair; but to a Wedding.
Al.What have Virgins to do at Weddings?
Mu.'Tis no indecent Thing at all, for Virgins to be at such a Wedding as this is.
Al.Pray what Sort of a Marriage is it?
Mu.A holy, undefiled, and chaste Marriage, such a one asPallasherself need not be asham'd to be at: Nay, more than that, we believe she will be at it.
Al.Mayn't a Body know the Bride and Bridegroom's Name?
Mu.We believe you must needs know that most courteous and accomplish'd Youth in all Kinds of polite Learning,Peter Ægidius.
Al.You have named an Angel, not a Man.
Mu.The pretty MaidCornelia, a fit Match forApollohimself, is going to be married toÆgidius.
Al.Indeed he has been a great Admirer of you, even from his Infancy.
Mu.We are going to sing him an Epithalamium.
Al.What, and will the Graces dance too?
Mu.They will not only dance, but they will also unite those two true Lovers, with the indissoluble Ties of mutual Affection, that no Difference or Jarring shall ever happen between 'em. She shall never hear any Thing from him, but my Life; nor he from her, but my Soul: Nay: and even old Age itself, shall be so far from diminishing that, that it shall increase the Pleasure.
Al.I should admire at it, if those that live so sweetly, could ever be able to grow old.
Mu.You say very right, for it is rather a Maturity, than an old Age.
Al.But I have known a great many, to whom these kind Words have been chang'd into the quite contrary, in less than three Months Time; and instead of pleasant Jests at Table, Dishes and Trenchers have flown about. The Husband, instead of my dear Soul, has been call'd Blockhead, Toss-Pot, Swill-Tub; and the Wife, Sow, Fool, dirty Drab.
Mu.You say very true; but these Marriages were made when the Graces were out of Humour: But in this Marriage, a Sweetness of Temper will always maintain a mutual Affection.
Al.Indeed you speak of such a happy Marriage as is very seldom seen.
Mu.An uncommon Felicity is due to such uncommon Virtues.
Al.But what! Will the Matrimony be withoutJunoandVenus?
Mu.IndeedJunowon't be there, she's a scolding Goddess, and is but seldom in a good Humour with her ownJove. Nor indeed, that earthly drunkenVenus; but another heavenly one, which makes a Union of Minds.
Al.Then the Marriage you speak of, is like to be a barren one.
Mu.No, by no Means, but rather like to be the most happily fruitful.
Al.What, does that heavenlyVenusproduce any Thing but Souls then?
Mu.Yes, she gives Bodies to the Souls; but such Bodies, as shall be exactly conformable to 'em, just as though you should put a choice Ointment into a curious Box of Pearl.
Al.Where is she then?
Mu.Look, she is coming towards you, a pretty Way off.
Al.Oh! I see her now. O good God, how bright she is! How majestical and beautiful she appears! The t'otherVenuscompar'd with this, is a homely one.
Mu.Do you see what modestCupidsthere are; they are no blind ones, such as thatVenushas, that makes Mankind mad? But these are sharp little Rogues, and they don't carry furious Torches, but most gentle Fires; they have no leaden-pointed Darts, to make the belov'd hate the Lover, and torment poor Wretches with the Want of a reciprocal Affection.
Al.In Truth, they're as like their Mother as can be. Oh, that's a blessed House, and dearly belov'd by the Gods! But may not a Body hear the Marriage-Song that you design to present 'em with?
Mu.Nay, we were just a-going to ask you to hear it.
CLIO. Peterhath married fairCornelia,Propitious Heaven! bless the Wedding-Day.
MELPOMENE.Concord ofTurtle-Dovesbetween them be, And of theJack-dawthe Vivacity.
THALIA.FromGracchusmay he win the Prize, And forCornelia'sLife, his own despise.
EUTERPE.May she in Love exceedAdmetus'Wife, Who laid her own down, for her Husband's Life.
TERPSICHORE.May he love her with stronger Flame, But much more happy Fate, ThanPlaucius,who did disdain To out-live his deceas'd Mate.
ERATO.May she love him with no less Flame, But with much better Fate; ThanPorciachaste, herBrutusdid, Whom brave Men celebrate.
CALLIOPE.For Constancy, I wish the Bridegroom may Be equal to the famousNasica.
URANIA.The Bride in Chastity may she Superior toPaterculanabe.
POLYHYMNIA.May their Offspring like them be, Their Honour equal their Estate; Always from ranc'rous Envy free, Deserved Glory on them wait.
Al.I should very much envyPeter Ægidiusso much Happiness, but that he is a Man of such Candour, that he himself envies no Body.
Mu.It is now high Time for us to prosecute our Journey.
Al.Have you any Service to command me atLouvain?
Mu.That thou wouldst recommend us to all our sincere loving Friends; but especially to our antient Admirers.John Paludus, Jodocus Gaverius, Martin Dorpius, andJohn Borsalus.
Al.Well, I'll be sure to take Care to do your Message. What shall I say to the rest?
Mu.I'll tell you in your Ear.
Al.Well, 'tis a Matter that won't cost very much; it shall certainly be done out of Hand.
The EXORCISM or APPARITION.
The ARGUMENT.
This Colloquy detects the Artifices of Impostors, who impose upon the credulous and simple, framing Stories of Apparitions of Daemons and Ghosts, and divine Voices.Polusis the Author of a Rumour, that an Apparition of a certain Soul was heard in his Grounds, howling after a lamentable Manner: At another Place he pretends to see a Dragon in the Air, in the middle of the Day, and persuades other Persons that they saw it too; and he prevails uponFaunus,a Parish-Priest of a neighbouring Town, to make Trial of the Truth of the Matters, who consents to do it, and prepares Exorcisms.Polusgets upon a black Horse, throws Fire about, and with divers Tricks deceives credulousFaunus,and other Men of none of the deepest Penetration.
THOMASandANSELM.
Tho.What good News have you had, that you laugh to yourself thus, as if you had found a Treasure?
Ans.Nay, you are not far from the Matter.
Tho.But won't you impart it to your Companion, what good Thing soever it is?
Ans.Yes, I will, for I have been wishing a good While, for somebody to communicate my Merriment to.
Tho.Come on then, let's have it.
Ans.I was just now told the pleasantest Story, which you'd swear was a Sham, if I did not know the Place, the Persons, and whole Matter, as well as you know me.
Tho.I'm with Child to hear it.
Ans.Do you knowPolus, Faunus's Son-in-Law?
Tho.Perfectly well.
Ans.He's both the Contriver and Actor of this Play.
Tho.I am apt enough to believe that; for he can Act any Part to the Life.
Ans.He can so: I suppose too, you know that he has a Farm not far fromLondon.
Tho.Phoo, very well; he and I have drank together many a Time there.
Ans.Then you know there is a Way between two straight Rows of Trees.
Tho.Upon the left Hand, about two Flight Shot from the House?
Ans.You have it. On one Side of the Way there is a dry Ditch, overgrown with Thorns and Brambles; and then there's a Way that leads into an open Field from a little Bridge.
Tho.I remember it.
Ans.There went a Report for a long Time among the Country-People, of a Spirit that walk'd near that Bridge, and of hideous Howlings that were every now and then heard there: They concluded it was the Soul of somebody that was miserably tormented.
Tho.Who was it that raised this Report?
Ans.Who butPolus, that made this the Prologue to his Comedy.
Tho.What did he mean by inventing such a Flam?
Ans.I know nothing; but that it is the Humour of the Man, he takes Delight to make himself Sport, by playing upon the Simplicity of People, by such Fictions as these. I'll tell you what he did lately of the same Kind. We were a good many of us riding toRichmond, and some of the Company were such that you would say were Men of Judgment. It was a wonderful clear Day, and not so much as a Cloud to be seen there.Poluslooking wistfully up into the Air, signed his Face and Breast with the Sign of the Cross, and having compos'd his Countenance to an Air of Amazement, says to himself, O immortal God, what do I see! They that rode next to him asking him what it was that he saw, he fell again to signing himself with a greater Cross. May the most merciful God, says he, deliver me from this Prodigy. They having urg'd him, desiring to know what was the Matter, he fixing his Eyes up to Heaven, and pointing with his Finger to a certain Quarter of it, don't you see, says he, that monstrous Dragon arm'd with fiery Horns, and its Tail turn'd up in a Circle? And they denying they saw it, he bid them look earnestly, every now and then pointing to the Place: At last one of them, that he might not seem to be bad-sighted, affirmed that he saw it. And in Imitation of him, first one, and then another, for they were asham'd that they could not see what was so plain to be seen: And in short, in three Days Time, the Rumour of this portentous Apparition had spread all overEngland. And it is wonderful to think how popular Fame had amplified the Story, and some pretended seriously to expound to what this Portent did predict, and he that was the Contriver of the Fiction, took a mighty Pleasure in the Folly of these People.
Tho.I know the Humour of the Man well enough. But to the Story of the Apparition.
Ans.In the mean Time, oneFaunusa Priest (of those which inLatinthey callRegulars, but that is not enough, unless they add the same inGreektoo, who was Parson of a neighbouring Parish, this Man thought himself wiser than is common, especially in holy Matters) came very opportunely to pay a Visit toPolus.
Tho.I understand the Matter: There is one found out to be an Actor in this Play.
Ans.At Supper a Discourse was raised of the Report of this Apparition, and whenPolusperceiv'd thatFaunushad not only heard of the Report, but believ'd it, he began to intreat the Man, that as he was a holy and a learned Person, he would afford some Relief to a poor Soul that was in such dreadful Torment: And, says he, if you are in any Doubt as to the Truth of it, examine into the Matter, and do but walk near that Bridge about ten a-Clock, and you shall hear miserable Cries; take who you will for a Companion along with you, and so you will hear both more safely and better.
Tho.Well, what then?
Ans.After Supper was over,Polus, as his Custom was, goes a Hunting or Fowling. And when it grew duskish, the Darkness having taken away all Opportunity of making any certain Judgment of any Thing,Faunuswalks about, and at last hears miserable Howlings.Polushaving hid himself in a Bramble Hedge hard by, had very artfully made these Howlings, by speaking through an earthen Pot; the Voice coming through the Hollow of it, gave it a most mournful Sound.
Tho.This Story, as far as I see, out-doesMenander's Phasma.
Ans.You'll say more, if you shall hear it out.Faunusgoes Home, being impatient to tell what he had heard.Polustaking a shorter Way, had got Home before him.Faunusup and tellsPolusall that past, and added something of his own to it, to make the Matter more wonderful.
Tho.CouldPoluskeep his Countenance in the mean Time?
Ans.He keep his Countenance! He has his Countenance in his Hand, you would have said that a serious Affair was transacted. In the EndFaunus, upon the pressing Importunity ofPolus, undertakes the Business of Exorcism, and slept not one Wink all that Night, in contriving by what Means he might go about the Matter with Safety, for he was wretchedly afraid. In the first Place he got together the most powerful Exorcisms that he could get, and added some new ones to them, as the Bowels of the VirginMary, and the Bones of St.Winifred. After that, he makes Choice of a Place in the plain Field, near the Bramble Bushes, from whence the Voice came. He draws a very large Circle with a great many Crosses in it, and a Variety of Characters. And all this was perform'd in a set Form of Words; there was also there a great Vessel full of holy Water, and about his Neck he had a holy Stole (as they call'd it) upon which hung the Beginning of the Gospel ofJohn. He had in his Pocket a little Piece of Wax, which the Bishop ofRomeused to consecrate once a Year, which is commonly call'dAgnus Dei. With these Arms in Times past, they were wont to defend themselves against evil Spirits, before the Cowl of St.Franciswas found to be so formidable. All these Things were provided, lest if it should be an evil Spirit it should fall foul upon the Exorcist: nor did he for all this, dare to trust himself in the Circle alone, but he determined to take some other Priest along with him. Upon thisPolusbeing afraid, that if he took some sharper Fellow than himself along with him, the whole Plot might come to be discover'd, he got a Parish-Priest there-about, whom he acquainted before-hand with the whole Design; and indeed it was necessary for the carrying on the Adventure, and he was a Man fit for such a Purpose. The Day following, all Things being prepared and in good Order, about ten a-ClockFaunusand the Parish-Priest enter the Circle.Polushad got thither before them, and made a miserable Howling out of the Hedge; Faunus begins his Exorcism, andPolussteals away in the Dark to the next Village, and brings from thence another Person, for the Play could not be acted without a great many of them.
Tho.Well, what do they do?
Ans.They mount themselves upon black Horses, and privately carry Fire along with them; when they come pretty near to the Circle, they shew the Fire to affrightFaunusout of the Circle.
Tho.What a Deal of Pains did thisPolustake to put a Cheat upon People?
Ans.His Fancy lies that Way. But this Matter had like to have been mischievous to them.
Tho.How so?
Ans.For the Horses were so startled at the sudden flashing of the Fire, that they had like to have thrown their Riders. Here's an End of the first Act of this Comedy. When they were returned and entered into Discourse,Polus, as though he had known nothing of the Matter, enquires what was done.Faunustells him, that two hideous Caco-dæmons appear'd to him on black Horses, their Eyes sparkling with Fire, and breathing Fire out of their Nostrils, making an Attempt to break into the Circle, but that they were driven away with a Vengeance, by the Power and Efficacy of his Words. This Encounter having put Courage intoFaunus, the next Day he goes into his Circle again with great Solemnity, and after he had provok'd the Spirit a long Time with the Vehemence of his Words,Polusand his Companion appear again at a pretty Distance, with their black Horses, with a most outragious Noise, making a Feint, as if they would break into the Circle.
Tho.Had they no Fire then?
Ans.No, none at all; for that had lik'd to have fallen out very unluckily to them. But hear another Device: They drew a long Rope over the Ground, and then hurrying from one Place to another, as though they were beat off by the Exorcisms ofFaunus, they threw down both the Priest and holy Water-Pot all together.
Tho.This Reward the Parish-Priest had for playing his Part?
Ans.Yes, he had; and for all that, he had rather suffer this than quit the Design. After this Encounter, when they came to talk over the Matter again,Faunustells a mighty Story toPolus, what great Danger he had been in, and how couragiously he had driven both the evil Spirits away with his Charms, and now he had arriv'd at a firm Persuasion, that there was no Dæmon, let him be ever so mischievous or impudent, that could possibly break into this Circle.
Tho.ThisFaunuswas not far from being a Fool.
Ans.You have heard nothing yet. The Comedy being thus far advanc'd,Polus's Son-in-Law comes in very good Time, for he had marriedPolus'seldest Daughter; he's a wonderful merry Droll, you know.
Tho.Know him! Ay, I know him, that he has no Aversion for such Tricks as these.
Ans.No Aversion, do you say, nay he would leave the most urgent Affair in the World, if such a Comedy were either to be seen or acted. His Father-in-Law tells him the whole Story, and gives him his Part, that was, to act the Ghost. He puts on a Dress, and wraps himself up in a Shrowd, and carrying a live Coal in a Shell, it appear'd through his Shrowd as if something were burning. About Night he goes to the Place where this Play was acted, there were heard most doleful Moans.Faunuslets fly all his Exorcisms. At Length the Ghost appears a good Way off in the Bushes, every now and then shewing the Fire, and making a rueful Groaning. WhileFaunuswas adjuring the Ghost to declare who he was,Polusof a sudden leaps out of the Thicket, dress'd like a Devil, and making a Roaring, answers him, you have nothing to do with this Soul, it is mine; and every now and then runs to the very Edge of the Circle, as if he would set upon the Exorcist, and then retired back again, as if he was beaten back by the Words of the Exorcism, and the Power of the holy Water, which he threw upon him in great Abundance. At last when this guardian Devil was chased away,Faunusenters into a Dialogue with the Soul. After he had been interrogated and abjured, he answers, that he was the Soul of a Christian Man, and being asked his Name, he answeredFaunus.Faunus! replies the other, that's my Name. So then they being Name-Sakes, he laid the Matter more to Heart, thatFaunusmight deliverFaunus.Faunusasking a Multitude of Questions, lest a long Discourse should discover the Fraud, the Ghost retires, saying it was not permitted to stay to talk any longer, because its Time was come, that it must go whither its Devil pleased to carry it; but yet promised to come again the next Day, at what Hour it could be permitted. They meet together again atPolus'sHouse, who was the Master of the Show. There the Exorcist relates what was done, and tho' he added some Lies to the Story, yet he believed them to be true himself, he was so heartily affected with the Matter in Hand. At last it appeared manifestly, that it was the Soul of a Christian who was vexed with the dreadful Torments of an unmerciful Devil: Now all the Endeavours are bent this Way. There happened a ridiculous Passage in the next Exorcism.
Tho.Prithee what was that?
Ans.WhenFaunushad called up the Ghost,Polus, that acted the Devil, leap'd directly at him, as if he would, without any more to do, break into the Circle; andFaunushe resisted stoutly with his Exorcisms, and had thrown a power of holy Water, the Devil at last cries out, that he did not value all this of a Rush; you have had to do with a Wench, and you are my own yourself. And tho'Polussaid so in Jest, it seemed that he had spoken Truth: For the Exorcist being touched with this Word, presently retreated to the very Centre of the Circle, and whispered something in the Priest's Ear.Polusseeing that, retires, that he might not hear what it was not fit for him to hear.
Tho.In Truth,Poluswas a very modest, religious Devil.
Ans.He was so, otherwise he might have been blamed for not observing aDecorum, but yet he heard the Priest's Voice appointing him Satisfaction.
Tho.What was that?
Ans.That he should say the glorious 78th Psalm, three Times over, by which he conjectured he had had to do with her three Times that Night.
Tho.He was an irregularRegular.
Ans.They are but Men, and this is but human Frailty.
Tho.Well, proceed: what was done after this?
Ans.NowFaunusmore couragiously advances to the very Edge of the Circle, and challenges the Devil of his own Accord; but the Devil's Heart failed him, and he fled back. You have deceived me, says he, if I had been wise I had not given you that Caution: Many are of Opinion, that what you have once confess'd is immediately struck out of the Devil's Memory, that he can never be able to twit you in the Teeth for it.
Tho.What a ridiculous Conceit do you tell me of?
Ans.But to draw towards a Conclusion of the Matter: This Dialogue with the Ghost held for some Days; at last it came to this Issue: The Exorcist asking the Soul, If there was any Way by which it might possibly be delivered from its Torments, it answered, it might, if the Money that it had left behind, being gotten by Cheating, should be restored. Then, saysFaunus, What if it were put into the Hands of good People, to be disposed of to pious Uses? The Spirit reply'd, That might do. The Exorcist was rejoic'd at this; he enquires particularly, What Sum there was of it? The Spirit reply'd, That it was a vast Sum, and might prove very good and commodious: it told the Place too where the Treasure was hid, but it was a long Way off: And it order'd what Uses it should be put to.
Tho.What were they?
Ans.That three Persons were to undertake a Pilgrimage; one to the Threshold of St.Peter; another to salute St.JamesatCompostella;and the third should kiss _Jesus'_s Comb atTryers; and after that, a vast Number of Services and Masses should be performed in several great Monasteries; and as to the Overplus, he should dispose of it as he pleas'd. Now _Faunus'_s Mind was fixed upon the Treasure; he had, in a Manner, swallowed it in his Mind.
Tho.That's a common Disease; but more peculiarly thrown in the Priests Dish, upon all Occasions.
Ans.After nothing had been omitted that related to the Affair of the Money, the Exorcist being put upon it byPolus, began to put Questions to the Spirit, about several Arts, as Alchymy and Magick. To these Things the Spirit gave Answers, putting off the Resolution of these Questions for the present, promising it would make larger Discoveries as soon as ever, by his Assistance, it should get out of the Clutches of its Keeper, the Devil; and, if you please, you may let this be the third Act of this Play. As to the fourth Act,Faunusbegan, in good Earnest, everywhere to talk high, and to talk of nothing else in all Companies and at the Table, and to promise glorious Things to Monasteries; and talk'd of nothing that was low and mean. He goes to the Place, and finds the Tokens, but did not dare to dig for the Treasure, because the Spirit had thrown this Caution in the Way, that it would be extremely dangerous to touch the Treasure, before the Masses had been performed. By this Time, a great many of the wiser Sort had smelt out the Plot, whileFaunusat the same Time was every where proclaiming his Folly; tho' he was privately cautioned by his Friends, and especially his Abbot, that he who had hitherto had the Reputation of a prudent Man, should not give the World a Specimen of his being quite contrary. But the Imagination of the Thing had so entirely possess'd his Mind, that all that could be said of him, had no Influence upon him, to make him doubt of the Matter; and he dreamt of nothing but Spectres and Devils: The very Habit of his Mind was got into his Face, that he was so pale, and meagre and dejected, that you would say he was rather a Sprite than a Man: And in short, he was not far from being stark mad, and would have been so, had it not been timely prevented.
Tho.Well, let this be the last Act of the Play.
Ans.Well, you shall have it.Polusand his Son-in-Law, hammer'd out this Piece betwixt them: They counterfeited an Epistle written in a strange antique Character, and not upon common Paper, but such as Gold-Beaters put their Leaf-Gold in, a reddish Paper, you know. The Form of the Epistle was this:
Faunus,long a Captive, but now free. ToFaunus,his gracious Deliverer sends eternal Health. There is no Need, my dearFaunus,that thou shouldest macerate thyself any longer in this Affair. God has respected the pious Intention of thy Mind; and by the Merit of it, has delivered me from Torments, and I now live happily among the Angels. Thou hast a Place provided for thee with St. Austin, which is next to the Choir of the Apostles: When thou earnest to us, I will give thee publick Thanks. In the mean Time, see that thou live merrily.
From theImperial Heaven,the Ides ofSeptember,Anno1498.Under the Seal of my own Ring.
This Epistle was laid privately under the Altar whereFaunuswas to perform divine Service: This being done, there was one appointed to advertise him of it, as if he had found it by Chance. And now he carries the Letter about him, and shews it as a very sacred Thing; and believes nothing more firmly, than that it was brought from Heaven by an Angel.
Tho.This is not delivering the Man from his Madness, but changing the Sort of it.
Ans.Why truly, so it is, only he is now more pleasantly mad than before.
Tho.I never was wont to give much Credit to Stories of Apparitions in common; but for the Time to come, I shall give much less: For I believe that many Things that have been printed and published, as true Relations, were only by Artifice and Imposture, Impositions upon credulous Persons, and such asFaunus.
Ans.And I also believe that a great many of them are of the same Kind.
The ALCHYMIST.
The ARGUMENT.
This Colloquy shews the Dotage of an old Man, otherwise a very prudent Person, upon this Art; being trick'd by a Priest, under Pretence of a two-Fold Method in this Art, thelong Wayand theshort Way.By the long Way he puts an egregious Cheat upon oldBalbinus:The Alchymist lays the Fault upon his Coals and Glasses. Presents of Gold are sent to the VirginMary,that she would assist them in their Undertakings. Some Courtiers having come to the Knowledge thatBalbinuspractis'd this unlawful Art, are brib'd. At last the Alchymist is discharg'd, having Money given him to bear his Charges.
Phi.What News is here, thatLaluslaughs to himself so that he e'en giggles again, every now and then signing himself with the Sign of the Cross? I'll interrupt his Felicity. God bless you heartily, my very good FriendLalus; you seem to me to be very happy.
La.But I shall be much happier, if I make you a Partaker of my merry Conceitedness.
Phi.Prithee, then, make me happy as soon as you can.
La.Do you knowBalbinus?
Phi.What, that learned old Gentleman that has such a very good Character in the World?
La.It is as you say; but no Man is wise at all Times, or is without his blind Side. This Man, among his many good Qualifications, has some Foibles: He has been a long Time bewitch'd with the Art call'dAlchymy.
Phi.Believe me, that you call only Foible, is a dangerous Disease.
La.However that is, notwithstanding he had been so often bitten by this Sort of People, yet he has lately suffer'd himself to be impos'd upon again.
Phi.In what Manner?
La.A certain Priest went to him, saluted him with great Respect, and accosted him in this Manner: Most learnedBalbinus, perhaps you will wonder that I, being a Stranger to you, should thus interrupt you, who, I know, are always earnestly engag'd in the most sacred Studies.Balbinusgave him a Nod, as was his Custom; for he is wonderfully sparing of his Words.
Phi.That's an Argument of Prudence.
La.But the other, as the wiser of the two, proceeds. You will forgive this my Importunity, when you shall know the Cause of my coming to you. Tell me then, saysBalbinus, but in as few Words as you can. I will, says he, as briefly as I am able. You know, most learned of Men, that the Fates of Mortals are various; and I can't tell among which I should class myself, whether among the happy or the miserable; for when I contemplate my Fate on one Part, I account myself most happy, but if on the other Part, I am one of the most miserable.Balbinuspressing him to contract his Speech into a narrow Compass; I will have done immediately, most learnedBalbinus, says he, and it will be the more easy for me to do it, to a Man who understands the whole Affair so well, that no Man understands it better.
Phi.You are rather drawing an Orator than an Alchymist.
La.You shall hear the Alchymist by and by. This Happiness, says he, I have had from a Child, to have learn'd that most desirable Art, I mean Alchymy, the very Marrow of universal Philosophy. At the very Mention of the Name Alchymy,Balbinusrais'd himself a little, that is to say, in Gesture only, and fetching a deep Sigh, bid him go forward. Then he proceeds: But miserable Man that I am, said he, by not falling into the right Way!Balbinusasking him what Ways those were he spoke of; Good Sir, says he, you know (for what is there, most learned Sir, that you are ignorant of?) that there are two Ways in this Art, one which iscall'd the Longation, and the other which is call'd the Curtation. But by my bad Fate, I have fallen uponLongation. Balbinusasking him, what was the Difference of the Ways; it would be impudent in me, says he, to mention this to a Man, to whom all Things are so well known, that Nobody knows them better; therefore I humbly address myself to you, that you would take Pity on me, and vouchsafe to communicate to me that most happy Way ofCurtation. And by how much the better you understand this Art, by so much the less Labour you will be able to impart it to me: Do not conceal so great a Gift from your poor Brother that is ready to die with Grief. And as you assist me in this, so mayJesus Christever enrich you with more sublime Endowments. He thus making no End of his Solemnity of Obtestations,Balbinuswas oblig'd to confess, that he was entirely ignorant of what he meant byLongationandCurtation, and bids him explain the Meaning of those Words. Then he began; Altho' Sir, says he, I know I speak to a Person that is better skill'd than myself, yet since you command me I will do it: Those that have spent their whole Life in this divine Art, change the Species of Things two Ways, the one is shorter, but more hazardous, the other is longer, but safer. I account myself very unhappy, that I have laboured in that Way that does not suit my Genius, nor could I yet find out any Body who would shew me the other Way that I am so passionately desirous of; but at last God has put it into my Mind to apply myself to you, a Man of as much Piety as Learning; your Learning qualifies you to answer my Request with Ease, and your Piety will dispose you to help a Christian Brother, whose Life is in your Hands. To make the Matter short, when this crafty Fellow, with such Expressions as these, had clear'd himself from all Suspicion of a Design, and had gain'd Credit, that he understood one Way perfectly well,Balbinus's Mind began to have an Itch to be meddling. And at last, when he could hold no longer, Away with your Methods, says he, ofCurtation, the Name of which I never heard before, I am so far from understanding it. Tell me sincerely, Do you throughly understand Longation? Phoo! says he, perfectly well; but I don't love the Tediousness of it. ThenBalbinusasked him, how much Time it wou'd take up. Too much, says he; almost a whole Year; but in the mean Time it is the safest Way. Never trouble yourself about that, saysBalbinus, although it should take up two Years, if you can but depend upon your Art. To shorten the Story: They came to an Agreement, that the Business should be set on foot privately inBalbinus's, House, upon this Condition, that he should find Art, andBalbinusMoney; and the Profit should be divided between them, although the Imposter modestly offered thatBalbinusshould have the whole Gain. They both took an Oath of Secrecy, after the Manner of those that are initiated into mysterious Secrets; and presently Money is paid down for the Artist to buy Pots, Glasses, Coals, and other Necessaries for furnishing the Laboratory: This Money our Alchymist lavishes away on Whores, Gaming, and Drinking.
Phi.This is one Way, however, of changing the Species of Things.
La. Balbinuspressing him to fall upon the Business; he replies, Don't you very well know, thatwhat's well begun is half done?It is a great Matter to have the Materials well prepar'd. At last he begins to set up the Furnace; and here there was Occasion for more Gold, as a Bait to catch more: For as a Fish is not caught without a Bait, so Alchymists must cast Gold in, before they can fetch Gold out. In the mean Time,Balbinuswas busy in his Accounts; for he reckoned thus, if one Ounce made fifteen, what would be the Product of two thousand; for that was the Sum that he determined to spend. When the Alchymist had spent this Money and two Months Time, pretending to be wonderfully busy about the Bellows and the Coals, Balbinus enquired of him, whether the Business went forward? At first he made no Answer; but at last he urging the Question, he made him Answer, As all great Works do; the greatest Difficulty of which is, in entring upon them: He pretended he had made a Mistake in buying the Coals, for he had bought Oaken ones, when they should have been Beechen or Fir ones. There was a hundred Crowns gone; and he did not spare to go to Gaming again briskly. Upon giving him new Cash, he gets new Coals, and then the Business is begun again with more Resolution than before; just as Soldiers do, when they have happened to meet with a Disaster, they repair it by Bravery. When the Laboratory had been kept hot for some Months, and the golden Fruit was expected, and there was not a Grain of Gold in the Vessel (for the Chymist had spent all that too) another Pretence was found out, That the Glasses they used, were not rightly tempered: For, as every Block will not make a Mercury, so Gold will not be made in any Kind of Glass. And by how much more Money had been spent, by so much the lother he was to give it over.
Phi.Just as it is with Gamesters, as if it were not better to lose some than all.
La.Very true. The Chymist swore he was never so cheated since he was born before; but now having found out his Mistake, he could proceed with all the Security in the World, and fetch up that Loss with great Interest. The Glasses being changed, the Laboratory is furnished the third Time: Then the Operator told him, the Operation would go on more successfully, if he sent a Present of Crowns to the Virgin Mary, that you know is worshipped atParis; for it was an holy Act: And in Order to have it carried on successfully, it needed the Favour of the Saints.Balbinusliked this Advice wonderfully well, being a very pious Man that never let a Day pass, but he performed some Act of Devotion or other. The Operator undertakes the religious Pilgrimage; but spends this devoted Money in a Bawdy-House in the next Town: Then he goes back, and tellsBalbinusthat he had great Hope that all would succeed according to their Mind, the VirginMaryseem'd so to favour their Endeavours. When he had laboured a long Time, and not one Crumb of Gold appearing,Balbinusreasoning the Matter with him, he answered, that nothing like this had ever happened all his Days to him, tho' he had so many Times had Experience of his Method; nor could he so much as imagine what should be the Reason of this Failing. After they had beat their Brains a long Time about the Matter,Balbinusbethought himself, whether he had any Day miss'd going to Chapel, or saying theHorary Prayers, for nothing would succeed, if these were omitted. Says the Imposter you have hit it. Wretch that I am, I have been guilty of that once or twice by Forgetfulness, and lately rising from Table, after a long Dinner, I had forgot to say the Salutation of the Virgin. Why then, saysBalbinus, it is no Wonder, that a Thing of this Moment succeeds no better. The Trickster undertakes to perform twelve Services for two that he had omitted, and to repay ten Salutations for that one. When Money every now and then fail'd this extravagant Operator, and he could not find out any Pretence to ask for more, he at last bethought himself of this Project. He comes Home like one frighted out of his Wits, and in a very mournful Tone cries out, OBalbinusI am utterly undone, undone; I am in Danger of my Life.Balbinuswas astonished, and was impatient to know what was the Matter. The Court, says he, have gotten an Inkling of what we have been about, and I expect nothing else but to be carried to Gaol immediately.Balbinus, at the hearing of this, turn'd pale as Ashes; for you know it is capital with us, for any Man to practiceAlchymywithout a License from the Prince: He goes on: Not, says he, that I am afraid of Death myself, I wish that were the worst that would happen, I fear something more cruel.Balbinusasking him what that was, he reply'd, I shall be carried away into some Castle, and there be forc'd to work all my Days, for those I have no Mind to serve. Is there any Death so bad as such a Life? The Matter was then debated,Balbinusbeing a Man that very well understood the Art of Rhetorick, casts his Thoughts every Way, if this Mischief could be prevented any Way. Can't you deny the Crime, says he? By no Means, says the other; the Matter is known among the Courtiers, and they have such Proof of it that it can't be evaded, and there is no defending of the Fact; for the Law is point-blank against it. Many Things having been propos'd, but coming to no conclusion, that seem'd feasible; says the Alchymist, who wanted present Money, OBalbinuswe apply ourselves to slow Counsels, when the Matter requires a present Remedy. It will not be long before they will be here that will apprehend me, and carry me away into Tribulation. And last of all, seeingBalbinusat a Stand, says the Alchymist, I am as much at a Loss as you, nor do I see any Way left, but to die like a Man, unless you shall approve what I am going to propose, which is more profitable than honourable; but Necessity is a hard Chapter. You know these Sort of Men are hungry after Money, and so may be the more easily brib'd to Secrecy. Although it is a hard Case to give these Rascals Money to throw away; but yet, as the Case now stands, I see no better Way.Balbinuswas of the same Opinion, and he lays down thirty Guineas to bribe them to hush up the Matter.
Phi. Balbinuswas wonderful liberal, as you tell the Story.
La.Nay, in an honest Cause, you would sooner have gotten his Teeth out of his Head than Money. Well, then the Alchymist was provided for, who was in no Danger, but that of wanting Money for his Wench.
Phi.I admireBalbinuscould not smoak the Roguery all this While.
La.This is the only Thing that he's soft in, he's as sharp as a Needle in any Thing else. Now the Furnace is set to work again with new Money; but first, a short Prayer is made to the Virgin Mary to prosper their Undertakings. By this Time there had been a whole Year spent, first one Obstacle being pretended, and then another, so that all the Expence and Labour was lost. In the mean Time there fell out one most ridiculous Chance.
Phi.What was that?
La.The Alchymist had a criminal Correspondence with a certain Courtier's Lady: The Husband beginning to be jealous, watch'd him narrowly, and in the Conclusion, having Intelligence that the Priest was in the Bed-Chamber, he comes Home before he was look'd for, knocks at the Door.
Phi.What did he design to do to him?
La.What! Why nothing very good, either kill him or geld him. When the Husband being very pressing to come, threatned he would break open the Door, if his Wife did not open it, they were in bodily Fear within, and cast about for some present Resolution; and Circumstances admitting no better, he pull'd off his Coat, and threw himself out of a narrow Window, but not without both Danger and Mischief, and so got away. Such Stories as these you know are soon spread, and it came toBalbinus's Ear, and the Chymist guess'd it would be so.
Phi.There was no getting off of this Business.
La.Yes, he got off better here, than he did out at the Window. Hear the Man's Invention:Balbinussaid not a Word to him about the Matter, but it might be read in his Countenance, that he was no Stranger to the Talk of the Town. The Chymist knewBalbinusto be a Man of Piety, and in some Points, I was going to say, superstitious, and such Persons are very ready to forgive one that falls under his Crime, let it be never so great; therefore, he on Purpose begins a Talk about the Success of their Business, complaining, that it had not succeeded as it us'd to do, and as he would have it; and he-wondered greatly, what should be the Reason of it: Upon this Discourse,Balbinus, who seemed otherwise to have been bent upon Silence, taking an Occasion, was a little moved: It is no hard Matter, says he, to guess what the Obstacle is. Sins are the Obstacles that hinder our Success, for pure Works should be done by pure Persons. At this Word, the Projector fell down on his Knees, and beating his Breast with a very mournful Tone, and dejected Countenance, says, OBalbinus, what you have said is very true, it is Sin, it is Sin that has been the Hinderance; but my Sins, not yours; for I am not asham'd to confess my Uncleanness before you, as I would before my most holy Father Confessor: The Frailty of my Flesh overcame me, and Satan drew me into his Snares; and O miserable Wretch that I am! Of a Priest, I am become an Adulterer; and yet, the Offering that you sent to the Virgin Mother, is not wholly lost neither, for I had perish'd inevitably, if she had not helped me; for the Husband broke open the Door upon me, and the Window was too little for me to get out at; and in this Pinch of Danger, I bethought myself of the blessed Virgin, and I fell upon my Knees, and besought her, that if the Gift was acceptable to her, she would assist me, and in a Minute I went to the Window, (for Necessity forced me so to do) and found it large enough for me to get out at.
Phi.Well, and didBalbinusbelieve all this?
La.Believe it, yes, and pardon'd him too, and admonish'd him very religiously, not to be ungrateful to the blessed Virgin: Nay, there was more Money laid down, upon his giving his Promise, that he would for the future carry on the Process with Purity.
Phi.Well, what was the End of all this?
La.The Story is very long; but I'll cut it short. When he had play'd uponBalbinuslong enough with these Inventions, and wheedled him out of a considerable Sum of Money, a certain Gentleman happen'd to come there, that had known the Knave from a Child: He easily imagining that he was acting the same Part withBalbinus, that he had been acting every where, admonishesBalbinusprivately, and acquainted him what Sort of a Fellow he harbour'd, advising him to get rid of him as soon as possible, unless he had a Mind to have him sometime or other, to rifle his Coffers, and then run away.
Phi.Well, what didBalbinusdo then? Sure, he took Care to have him sent to Gaol?
La.To Gaol? Nay, he gave him Money to bear his Charges, and conjur'd him by all that was sacred, not to speak a Word of what had happened between them. And in my Opinion, it was his Wisdom so to do, rather than to be the common Laughing-stock, and Table-Talk, and run the Risk of the Confiscation of his Goods besides; for the Imposter was in no Danger; he knew no more of the Matter than an Ass, and cheating is a small Fault in these Sort of Cattle. If he had charg'd him with Theft, his Ordination would have say'd him from the Gallows, and no Body would have been at the Charge of maintaining such a Fellow in Prison.
Phi.I should pityBalbinus; but that he took Pleasure in being gull'd.
La.I must now make haste to the Hall; at another Time I'll tell you Stories more ridiculous than this.
Phi.When you shall be at Leisure, I shall be glad to hear them, and I'll give you Story for Story.
The HORSE-CHEAT.
The ARGUMENT.
TheHorse-Cheatlays open the cheating Tricks of those that sell or let out Horses to hire; and shews how those Cheats themselves are sometimes cheated.
Good God! What a grave Countenance ourPhaedrushas put on, gaping ever and anon into the Air. I'll attack him.Phaedrus, what News to Day?
Ph.Why do you ask me that Question,Aulus?
Aul.Because, of aPhaedrus, you seem to have become aCato, there is so much Sourness in your Countenance.
Ph.That's no Wonder, my Friend, I am just come from Confession.
Aul.Nay, then my Wonder's over; but tell me upon your honest Word, did you confess all?
Ph.All that I could remember, but one.
Aul.And why did you reserve that one?
Ph.Because I can't be out of Love with it.
Aul.It must needs be some pleasant Sin.
Ph.I can't tell whether it is a Sin or no; but if you are at Leisure, you shall hear what it is.
Aul.I would be glad to hear it, with all my Heart.
Ph.You know what cheating Tricks are play'd by ourJockeys, who sell and let out Horses.
Aul.Yes, I know more of them than I wish I did, having been cheated by them more than once.
Ph.I had Occasion lately to go a pretty long Journey, and I was in great Haste; I went to one that you would have said was none of the worst of 'em, and there was some small Matter of Friendship between us. I told him I had an urgent Business to do, and had Occasion for a strong able Gelding; desiring, that if he would ever be my Friend in any Thing, he would be so now. He promised me, that he would use me as kindly as if I were his own dear Brother.
Aul.It may be he would have cheated his Brother.
Ph.He leads me into the Stable, and bids me chuse which I would out of them all. At last I pitch'd upon one that I lik'd better than the rest. He commends my Judgment, protesting that a great many Persons had had a Mind to that Horse; but he resolved to keep him rather for a singular Friend, than sell him to a Stranger. I agreed with him as to the Price, paid him down his Money, got upon the Horse's Back. Upon the first setting out, my Steed falls a prancing; you would have said he was a Horse of Mettle; he was plump, and in good Case: But, by that Time I had rid him an Hour and a half, I perceiv'd he was downright tir'd, nor could I by spurring him, get him any further. I had heard that such Jades had been kept for Cheats, that you would take by their Looks to be very good Horses; but were worth nothing for Service. I says to myself presently, I am caught. But when I come Home again, I will shew him Trick for Trick.
Aul.But what did you do in this Case, being a Horseman without a Horse?
Ph.I did what I was oblig'd to do. I turn'd into the next Village, and there I set my Horse up privately, with an Acquaintance, and hired another, and prosecuted my Journey; and when I came back, I return'd my hired Horse, and finding my own in very good Case, and thoroughly rested, I mounted his Back, and rid back to the Horse-Courser, desiring him to set him up for a few Days, till I called for him again. He ask'd me how well he carry'd me; I swore by all that was good, that I never bestrid a better Nag in my Life, that he flew rather than walk'd, nor ever tir'd the least in the World in all so long a Journey, nor was a Hair the leaner for it. I having made him believe that these Things were true, he thought with himself, he had been mistaken in this Horse; and therefore, before I went away, he ask'd me if I would sell the Horse. I refus'd at first; because if I should have Occasion to go such another Journey, I should not easily get the Fellow of him; but however, I valued nothing so much, but I would sell it, if I could have a good Price for it, altho' any Body had a Mind to buy myself.
Aul.This was fighting a Man with his own Weapons.
Ph.In short, he would not let me go away, before I had set a Price upon him. I rated him at a great Deal more than he cost me. Being gone, I got an Acquaintance to act for me, and gave him Instructions how to behave himself: He goes to the House, and calls for the Horse-Courser, telling him, that he had Occasion for a very good, and a very hardy Nag. The Horse-Courser shews him a great many Horses, still commending the worst most of all; but says not a Word of that Horse he had sold me, verily believing he was such as I had represented him. My Friend presently ask'd whether that was not to be sold; for I had given him a Description of the Horse, and the Place where he stood. The Horse-Courser at first made no Answer, but commended the rest very highly. The Gentleman lik'd the other Horses pretty well; but always treated about that very Horse: At last thinks the Horse-Courser with himself, I have certainly been out in my Judgment as to this Horse, if this Stranger could presently pick this Horse out of so many. He insisting upon it, He may be sold, says he; but it may be, you'll be frighted at the Price. The Price, says he, is a Case of no great Importance, if the Goodness of the Thing be answerable: Tell me the Price. He told him something more than I had set him at to him, getting the Overplus to himself. At last the Price was agreed on, and a good large Earnest was given, a Ducat of Gold to bind the Bargain. The Purchaser gives the Hostler a Groat, orders him to give his Horse some Corn, and he would come by and by, and fetch him. As soon as ever I heard the Bargain was made so firmly, that it could not be undone again, I go immediately, booted and spurr'd to the Horse-Courser, and being out of Breath, calls for my Horse. He comes and asks what I wanted: Says I, get my Horse ready presently, for I must be gone this Moment, upon an extraordinary Affair: But, says he, you bid me keep the Horse a few Days: That's true, said I, but this Business has happened unexpectedly, and it is the King's Business, and it will admit of no Delay. Says he, take your Choice, which you will of all my Horses; you cannot have your own. I ask'd him, why so? Because, says he, he is sold. Then I pretended to be in a great Passion; God forbid, says I; as this Journey has happen'd, I would not sell him, if any Man would offer me four Times his Price. I fell to wrangling, and cry out, I am ruin'd: At Length he grew a little warm too: What Occasion is there for all this Contention: You set a Price upon your Horse, and I have sold him; if I pay you your Money, you have nothing more to do to me; we have Laws in this City, and you can't compel me to produce the Horse. When I had clamoured a good While, that he would either produce the Horse, or the Man that bought him: He at last pays me down the Money in a Passion. I had bought him for fifteen Guineas, I set him to him at twenty six, and he had valued him at thirty two, and so computed with himself he had better make that Profit of him, than restore the Horse. I go away, as if I was vex'd in my Mind, and scarcely pacified, tho' the Money was paid me: He desires me not to take it amiss, he would make me Amends some other Way: So I bit the Biter: He has a Horse not worth a Groat; he expected that he that had given him the Earnest, should come and pay him the Money; but no Body came, nor ever will come.
Aul.But in the mean Time, did he never expostulate the Matter with you?
Ph.With what Face or Colour could he do that? I have met him over and over since, and he complain'd of the Unfairness of the Buyer: But I often reason'd the Matter with him, and told him, he deserv'd to be so serv'd, who by his hasty Sale of him, had depriv'd me of my Horse. This was a Fraud so well plac'd, in my Opinion, that I could not find in my Heart to confess it as a Fault.
Aul.If I had done such a Thing, I should have been so far from confessing it as a Fault, that I should have requir'd a Statue for it.
Ph.I can't tell whether you speak as you think or no; but you set me agog however, to be paying more of these Fellows in their own Coin.
The BEGGARS DIALOGUE.
The ARGUMENT.
The Beggars Dialogue paints out the cheating, crafty Tricks of Beggars, who make a Shew of being full of Sores, and make a Profession of Palmistry, and other Arts by which they impose upon many Persons. Nothing is more like Kingship, than the Life of a Beggar.
Ir.What new Sort of Bird is this I see flying here? I know the Face, but the Cloaths don't suit it. If I'm not quite mistaken, this isMisoponus. I'll venture to speak to him, as ragged as I am. God save you,Misoponus.
Mis.Hold your Tongue, I say.
Ir.What's the Matter, mayn't a Body salute you?
Mis.Not by that Name.
Ir.Why, what has happen'd to you? Are you not the same Man that you was? What, have you changed your Name with your Cloaths?
Mis.No, but I have taken up my old Name again.
Ir.Who was you then?
Mis.Apitius.
Ir.Never be asham'd of your old Acquaintance, if any Thing of a better Fortune has happen'd to you. It is not long since you belong'd to our Order.
Mis.Prithee, come hither, and I'll tell you the whole Story. I am not asham'd of your Order; but I am asham'd of the Order that I was first of myself.
Ir.What Order do you mean? That of theFranciscans?
Mis.No, by no Means, my good Friend; but the Order of the Spendthrifts.
Ir.In Truth, you have a great many Companions of that Order.
Mis.I had a good Fortune, I spent lavishly, and when I began to be in Want, no Body knewApitius. I ran away for Shame, and betook myself to your College: I lik'd that better than digging.
Ir.Very wisely done; but how comes your Body to be in so good Case of late? For as to your Change of Cloaths, I don't so much wonder at that.
Mis.Why so?
Ir.Because the GoddessLavernamakes many rich on a sudden.
Mis.What! do you think I got an Estate by Thieving then?
Ir.Nay, perhaps more idly, by Rapine.
Mis.No, I swear by your GoddessPenia, neither by Thieving, nor by Rapine. But first I'll satisfy you as to the State of my Body, which seems to you to be the most admirable.
Ir.For when you were with us, you were all over full of Sores.
Mis.But I have since made Use of a very friendly Physician.
Ir.Who?
Mis.No other Person but myself, unless you think any Body is more friendly to me, than I am to myself.
Ir.But I never knew you understood Physick before.
Mis.Why all that Dress was nothing but a Cheat I had daub'd on with Paints, Frankincense, Brimstone, Rosin, Birdlime, and Clouts dipp'd in Blood; and what I put on, when I pleas'd I took off again.
Ir.O Impostor! Nothing appear'd more miserable than you were. You might have acted the Part of Job in a Tragedy.
Mis.My Necessity made me do it, though Fortune sometimes is apt to change the Skin too.
Ir.Well then, tell me of your Fortune. Have you found a Treasure?
Mis.No; but I have found out a Way of getting Money that's a little better than yours.
Ir.What could you get Money out of, that had no Stock?
Mis.An Artist will live any where.
Ir.I understand you now, you mean the Art of picking Pockets.
Mis.Not so hard upon me, I pray; I mean the Art of Chymistry.
Ir.Why 'tis scarce above a Fortnight, since you went away from us, and have you in that Time learn'd an Art, that others can hardly learn in many Years?
Mis.But I have got a shorter Way.
Ir.Prithee, what Way?
Mis.When I had gotten almost four Guineas by your Art, I happened, as good Luck would have it, to fall into the Company of an old Companion of mine, who had manag'd his Matters in the World no better than I had done. We went to drink together; he began, as the common Custom is, to tell of his Adventures. I made a Bargain with him to pay his Reckoning, upon Condition that he should faithfully teach me his Art. He taught it me very honestly, and now 'tis my Livelihood.
Ir.Mayn't a Body learn it?
Mis.I'll teach it you for nothing, for old Acquaintance Sake. You know, that there are every where a great many that are very fond of this Art.
Ir.I have heard so, and I believe it is true.
Mis.I take all Opportunities of insinuating myself into their Acquaintance, and talk big of my Art, and where-ever I find an hungry Sea-Cob, I throw him out a Bait.
Ir.How do you do that?
Mis.I caution him by all Means, not rashly to trust Men of that Profession, for that they are most of them Cheats, that by theirhocus pocusTricks, pick the Pockets of those that are not cautious.
Ir.That Prologue is not fit for your Business.
Mis.Nay, I add this further, that I would not have them believe me myself, unless they saw the Matter plainly with their own Eyes, and felt it with their Hands.
Ir.You speak of a wonderful Confidence you have in your Art.
Mis.I bid them be present all the While the Metamorphosis is under the Operation, and to look on very attentively, and that they may have the less Reason to doubt, to perform the whole Operation with their own Hands, while I stand at a Distance, and don't so much as put my Finger to it. I put them to refine the melted Matter themselves, or carry it to the Refiners to be done; I tell them beforehand, how much Silver or Gold it will afford: And in the last Place, I bid them carry the melted Mass to several Goldsmiths, to have it try'd by the Touchstone. They find the exact Weight that I told them; they find it to be the finest Gold or Silver, it is all one to me which it is, except that the Experiment in Silver is the less chargeable to me.