Chrem.Ha! Demipho!Chrem.Ha!Has Phormio had the money yet?Dem.I paid himImmediately.Chrem.I’m sorry for’t.— (SeeingNausistrata.)—My wife!I’d almost said too much. (Aside.)Dem.Why sorry, Chremes?Chrem.Nothing.—No matter.Dem.Well, but hark ye, Chremes!Have you been talking with the girl, and told herWherefore we bring your wife?Chrem.I’ve settled it.Dem.Well, and what says she?Chrem.’Tis impossibleTo send her hence.Dem.And why impossible?Chrem.Because they are both so fond of one another.Dem.What’s that to us?Chrem.A great deal. And besides,I have discover’d she’s related to us.Dem.Have you your wits?Chrem.’Tis so. I’m very serious.—Nay, recollect a little!Dem.Are you mad?Naus.Good now, beware of wronging a relation!Dem.She’s no relation to us.Chrem.Don’t deny it.Her father had assum’d another name,And that deceiv’d you.Dem.What! not know her father?Chrem.Perfectly.Dem.Why did she misname him then?Chrem.Won’t you be rul’d, nor understand me then?Dem.What can I understand from nothing?Chrem.Still? (Impatiently.)Naus.I can’t imagine what this means.Dem.Nor I.Chrem.Would you know all?—Why then, so help me Heaven,She has no nearer kindred in the worldThan you and I.Dem.Oh, all ye powers of heaven!—Let us go to her then immediately:I would fain know, or not know, all at once. (Going.)Chrem.Ah! (Stopping him.)Dem.What’s the matter?Chrem.Can’t you trust me then?Dem.Must I believe it? take it upon trust?—Well, be it so!—But what is to be doneWith our friend’s daughter?Chrem.Nothing.Dem.Drop her?Chrem.Aye.Dem.And keep this?Chrem.Aye.Dem.Why then, Nausistrata,You may return. We need not trouble you.Naus.Indeed, I think, ’tis better on all sides,That you should keep her here, than send her hence.For she appear’d to me, when first I saw her,Much of a gentlewoman.ExitNausistrata.SCENE V.ManentDemiphoandChremes.Dem.What means this?Chrem.(looking afterNausistrata). Is the door shut?Dem.It is.Chrem.O Jupiter!The Gods take care of us. I’ve found my daughterMarried to your son.Dem.Ha! how could it be?Chrem.It is not safe to tell you here.Dem.Step in then.Chrem.But hark ye, Demipho!—I would not haveEven our very sons inform’d of this.Exeunt.SCENE VI.Antiphoalone.I’m glad, however my affairs proceed,That Phædria’s have succeeded to his mind.How wise to foster such desires alone,As, although cross’d, are easily supplied!Money, once found, sets Phædria at his ease;But my distress admits no remedy.For, if the secret’s kept, I live in fear;And if reveal’d, I am expos’d to shame.Nor would I now return, but in the hopeOf still possessing her.—But where is Geta?That I may learn of him the fittest timeTo meet my father.SCENE VII.Enter, at a distance,Phormio.Phor.(to himself). I’ve receiv’d the money;Paid the procurer; carried off the wench;Who’s free, and now in Phædria’s possession.One thing alone remains to be dispatch’d;To get a respite from th’ old gentlemenTo tipple some few days, which I must spendIn mirth and jollity.Ant.But yonder’s Phormio.— (Goes up.)What now?Phor.Of what?Ant.What’s Phædria about?How does he mean to take his fill of love?Phor.By acting your part in his turn.Ant.What part?Phor.Flying his father’s presence.—And he begsThat you’d act his, and make excuses for him;For he intends a drinking-bout with me.I shall pretend to the old gentlemenThat I am going to the fair at Sunium,To buy the servant-maid that Geta mention’d:Lest, finding I am absent, they suspectThat I am squandering the sum they paid me.—But your door opens.Ant.Who comes here?Phor.’Tis Geta.SCENE VIII.Enter hastily, at another part of the stage,Geta.Geta.O fortune, O best fortune, what high blessings,What sudden, great, and unexpected joysHast thou shower’d down on Antipho to-day!——Ant.What can this be he’s so rejoic’d about?Geta.—And from what fears deliver’d us, his friends?—But wherefore do I loiter thus? and whyDo I not throw my cloak upon my shoulder,And haste to find him out, that he may knowAll that has happen’d?Ant.(toPhormio). Do you comprehendWhat he is talking of?Phor.Do you?Ant.Not I.Phor.I’m just as wise as you.Geta.I’ll hurry henceTo the procurer’s.—I shall find them there. (Going.)Ant.Ho, Geta!Geta.Look ye there!—Is’t new or strange,To be recall’d when one’s in haste? (Going.)Ant.Here, Geta!Geta.Again? bawl on! I’ll ne’er stop. (Going on.)Ant.Stay, I say!Geta.Go, and be drubb’d!Ant.You shall, I promise you,Unless you stop, you rascal!Geta(stopping). Hold, hold, Geta!Some intimate acquaintance this, be sure,Being so free with you.—But is it heThat I am looking for, or not?—’Tis he.Phor.Go up immediately. (They go up toGeta.)Ant.(toGeta). What means all this?Geta.O happy man! the happiest man on earth!So very happy, that, beyond all doubt,You are the God’s chief fav’rite, Antipho.Ant.Would I were! but your reason.Geta.Is’t enoughTo plunge you over head and ears in joy?Ant.You torture me.Phor.No promises! but tell usWhat is your news?Geta.Oh, Phormio! are you here?Phor.I am: but why d’ye trifle?Geta.Mind me then! (ToPhormio.)No sooner had we paid you at the Forum,But we return’d directly home again.—Arriv’d, my master sends me to your wife. (ToAntipho.)Ant.For what?Geta.No matter now, good Antipho.I was just entering the women’s lodging,When up runs little Mida; catches meHold by the cloak behind, and pulls me back.I turn about, and ask why he detains me.He told me, “Nobody must see his mistress:For Sophrona,” says he, “has just now broughtDemipho’s brother, Chremes, here; and heIs talking with the women now within.”—When I heard this, I stole immediatelyOn tip-toe tow’rd the door; came close; stood hush;Drew in my breath; applied my ear; and thus,Deep in attention, catch’d their whole discourse.Ant.Excellent, Geta!Geta.Here I overheardThe pleasantest adventure! On my life,I scarce refrain’d from crying out for joy.Ant.What?Geta.What d’ye think? (Laughing.)Ant.I can’t tell,Geta.Oh! it was (laughing.)Most wonderful!—most exquisite!—your uncleIs found to be the father of your wife.Ant.How! what?Geta.He had a sly intrigue, it seems,With Phanium’s mother formerly at Lemnos. (Laughing.)Phor.Nonsense! as if she did not know her father!Geta.Nay, there’s some reason for it, Phormio,You may be sure.—But was it possibleFor me, who stood without, to comprehendEach minute circumstance that pass’d within?Ant.I have heard something of this story too.Geta.Then, Sir, to settle your belief the more,At last out comes your uncle; and soon afterReturns again, and carries in your father.Then they both said, they gave their full consentThat you should keep your Phanium.—In a word,I’m sent to find you out, and bring you to them.Ant.Away with me then instantly! D’ye linger?Geta.Not I. Away!Ant.My Phormio, fare you well!Phor.Fare you well, Antipho!Exeunt.SCENE IX.Phormioalone.Well done, ’fore Heaven!I’m overjoy’d to see so much good fortuneFallen thus unexpectedly upon them:I’ve now an admirable opportunityTo bubble the old gentlemen, and easePhædria of all his cares about the money;So that he need not be oblig’d to friends.For this same money, though it will be given,Will yet come from them much against the grain;But I have found a way to force them to’t.—Now then I must assume a grander air,And put another face upon this business.—I’ll hence a while into the next by-alley,And pop upon them as they’re coming forth.—As for the trip I talk’d of to the fair,I sha’n’t pretend to take that journey now.Exit.ACT THE FIFTH.SCENE I.EnterDemiphoandChremes—and soon after, on t’other side,Phormio.Dem.Well may we thank the gracious Gods, good brother,That all things have succeeded to our wish.—But now let’s find out Phormio with all speed,Before he throws away our thirty minæ.Phor.(pretending not to see him).I’ll go and see if Demipho’s at home,That I may——Dem.(meeting him).—We were coming to you, Phormio.Phor.On the old score, I warrant.Dem.Aye.Phor.I thought so.—Why should you go to me?—ridiculous!Was you afraid I’d break my contract with you?No, no! how great soe’er my poverty,I’ve always shown myself a man of honor.Chrem.Has not she, as I said, a liberal air?Dem.She has.Apart.Phor.—And therefore I was coming, Demipho,To let you know I’m ready to receiveMy wife whene’er you please. For I postpon’dAll other business, as indeed I ought,Soon as I found ye were so bent on this.Dem.Aye, but my brother has dissuaded meFrom going any further in this business.“For how will people talk of it?” says he:“At first you might have done it handsomely;But then you’d not consent to it; and now,After cohabitation with your son,To think of a divorce is infamous.”—In short, he urg’d almost the very thingsThat you so lately charg’d me with yourself.Phor.You trifle with me, gentlemen.Dem.How so?Phor.How so? Because I can not marry t’other,With whom I told you I was first in treaty.For with what face can I return to herWhom I have held in such contempt?Chrem.Tell himAntipho does not care to part with her. (PromptingDemipho.)Dem.And my son too don’t care to part with her:—Step to the Forum then, and give an orderFor the repayment of our money, Phormio.Phor.What! when I’ve paid it to my creditors?Dem.What’s to be done then?Phor.Give me but the wifeTo whom you have betroth’d me, and I’ll wed her.But if you’d rather she should stay with you,The portion stays with me, good Demipho,For ’tis not just I should be bubbled by you;When, to retrieve your honor, I’ve refus’dAnother woman with an equal fortune.Dem.A plague upon your idle vaporing,You vagabond!—D’ye fancy we don’t know you?You, and your fine proceedings?Phor.You provoke me.Dem.Why, would you marry her, if proffer’d?Phor.Try me.Dem.What! that my son may keep her privatelyAt your house?—That was your intention.Phor.Ha!What say you, Sir?Dem.Give me my money, Sirrah!Phor.Give me my wife, I say.Dem.To justice with him!Phor.To justice? Now, by Heaven, gentlemen,If you continue to be troublesome——Dem.What will you do?Phor.What will I do? PerhapsYou think that I can only patronizeGirls without portion; but be sure of this,I’ve some with portions too.Chrem.What’s that to us?Phor.Nothing.—I know a lady here whose husband——Chrem.Ha! (Carelessly.)Dem.What’s the matter?Phor.—Had another wifeAt Lemnos.Chrem.(aside). I’m a dead man.Phor.—By which otherHe had a daughter; whom he now brings upIn private.Chrem.(aside). Dead and buried.Phor.This I’ll tell her. (Going toward the house.)Chrem.Don’t, I beseech you!Phor.Oh! are you the man?Dem.Death! how insulting!Chrem.(toPhormio). We discharge you.Phor.Nonsense!Chrem.What would you more? The money you have gotWe will forgive you.Phor.Well; I hear you now.—But what a plague d’ye mean by fooling thus,Acting and talking like mere children with me?—I won’t; I will: I will; I won’t again:——Give, take; say, unsay; do, and then undo.Chrem.(toDemipho). Which way could he have learn’d this?Dem.I don’t know;But I am sure I never mention’d it.Chrem.Good now! amazing!Phor.I have ruffled them. (Aside.)Dem.What! shall he carry off so large a sum,And laugh at us so openly?—By Heaven,I’d rather die.—Be of good courage, brother!Pluck up the spirit of a man! You seeThis slip of yours is got abroad; nor can youKeep it a secret from your wife. Now, therefore,’Tis more conducive to your peace, good Chremes,That we should fairly tell it her ourselves,Than she should hear the story from another.And then we shall be quite at libertyTo take our own revenge upon this rascal.Phor.Ha!—If I don’t take care I’m ruin’d still.They’re growing desperate, and making tow’rd meWith a determin’d gladiatorial air.Chrem.(toDemipho). I fear she’ll ne’er forgive me.Dem.Courage, Chremes!I’ll reconcile her to’t; especiallyThe mother being dead and gone.Phor.Is thisYour dealing, gentlemen? You come upon meExtremely cunningly.—But, Demipho,You have but ill consulted for your brother,To urge me to extremities.—And you, Sir (toChremes),When you have play’d the whoremaster abroad;Having no reverence for your lady here,A woman of condition; wronging herAfter the grossest manner; come you nowTo wash away your crimes with mean submission?No.—I will kindle such a flame in her,As, though you melt in tears, you sha’n’t extinguish.Dem.A plague upon him! was there ever manSo very impudent?—A knave! he oughtTo be transported at the public chargeInto some desert.Chrem.I am so confounded,I know not what to do with him.Dem.I know.Bring him before a judge!Phor.Before a judge?A lady-judge; in here, Sirs, if you please.Dem.Run you and hold him, while I call her servants.Chrem.I can not by myself; come up and help me.Phor.I have an action of assault against you. (ToDemipho.)Chrem.Bring it!Phor.Another against you too, Chremes!Dem.Drag him away! (Both lay hold of him.)Phor.(struggling). Is that your way with me!Then I must raise my voice.—Nausistrata!Come hither.Chrem.Stop his mouth!Dem.(struggling). A sturdy rogue!How strong he is!Phor.(struggling). Nausistrata, I say.Nausistrata!Chrem.(struggling). Peace, Sirrah!Phor.Peace, indeed!Dem.Unless he follows, strike him in the stomach!Phor.Aye, or put out an eye!—But here comes oneWill give me full revenge upon you both.SCENE II.To themNausistrata.Naus.Who calls for me?Chrem.Confusion!Naus.(toChremes). Pray, my dear,What’s this disturbance?Phor.Dumb, old Truepenny!Naus.Who is this man?—Why don’t you answer me? (ToChremes.)Phor.He answer you! he’s hardly in his senses.Chrem.Never believe him!Phor.Do but go and touch him;He’s in a shivering fit, I’ll lay my life.Chrem.Nay——Naus.But what means he then?Phor.I’ll tell you, madam;Do but attend!Chrem.Will you believe him then?Naus.What is there to believe, when he says nothing?Phor.Poor man! his fear deprives him of his wits.Naus.(toChremes). I’m sure you’re not so much afraidfor nothing.Chrem.What! I afraid? (Endeavoring to take heart.)Phor.Oh, not at all!—And sinceYou’re in no fright, and what I say means nothing,Tell it yourself.Dem.At your desire, you rascal?Phor.Oh, you’ve done rarely for your brother, Sir!Naus.What! Won’t you tell me, husband?Chrem.But——Naus.But what?Chrem.There’s no occasion for it.Phor.Not for you:But for the Lady there is much occasion.In Lemnos——Chrem.Ha! what say you?Dem.(toPhormio). Hold your peace!Phor.Without your knowledge——Chrem.Oh dear!Phor.He has hadAnother wife.Naus.My husband? Heav’n forbid!Phor.’Tis even so.Naus.Ah me! I am undone.Phor.—And had a daughter by her there; while youWas left to sleep in ignorance alone.Naus.Oh Heavens!—Baseness!—Treachery!Phor.’Tis fact.Naus.Was ever any thing more infamous?When they’re with us, their wives forsooth, they’re old.—Demipho, I appeal to you: for himI can not bear to speak to.—And were theseHis frequent journeys and long stay at Lemnos?Was this the cheapness that reduc’d our rents?Dem.That he has been to blame, Nausistrata,I don’t deny; but not beyond all pardon.Phor.You’re talking to the dead.Dem.It was not doneOut of aversion or contempt to you.In liquor, almost fifteen years ago,He met this woman, whence he had this daughter;Nor e’er had commerce with her from that hour.She’s dead: your only grievance is remov’d.Wherefore I beg you’d show your wonted goodness,And bear it patiently.Naus.How! bear it patiently?Alas! I wish his vices might end here.But have I the least hope? can I supposeThat years will cure these rank offenses in him?Ev’n at that time he was already old,If age could make him modest.—Are my yearsAnd beauty, think ye, like to please him moreAt present, Demipho, than formerly?—In short, what ground, what reason to expectThat he should not commit the same hereafter?Phor.(aloud). Whoever would attend the funeralOf Chremes, now’s the time!—See! that’s my way.Come on then! provoke Phormio now, who dares!Like Chremes, he shall fall a victim to me.—Let him get into favor when he will!I’ve had revenge sufficient. She has somethingTo ring into his ears his whole life long.Naus.Have I deserv’d this?—Need I, Demipho,Number up each particular, and sayHow good a wife I’ve been?Dem.I know it all.Naus.Am I then justly treated?Dem.Not at all.But since reproaches can’t undo what’s done,Forgive him! he begs pardon; owns his fault;And promises to mend.—What would you more?Phor.But hold; before she ratifies his pardon,I must secure myself and Phædria. (Aside.)—Nausistrata, a word!—Before you giveYour answer rashly, hear me!Naus.What’s your pleasure?Phor.I trick’d your husband there of thirty minæ,Which I have giv’n your son; and he has paid themTo a procurer for a mistress.Chrem.How!What say you?Naus.Is it such a heinous crimeFor your young son, d’ye think, to haveonemistress,Whileyouhavetwowives?—Are you not asham’d?Have you the face to chide him? answer me!Dem.He shall do ev’ry thing you please.Naus.Nay, nay,To tell you plainly my whole mind at once,I’ll not forgive, nor promise any thing,Nor give an answer, till I see my son.Phor.Wisely resolv’d, Nausistrata.Naus.Is thatSufficient satisfaction for you?Phor.Quite.I rest contented, well pleas’d, past my hopes.Naus.What is your name, pray?Phor.My name? Phormio:A faithful friend to all your family,Especially to Phædria.Naus.Trust me, Phormio,I’ll do you all the service in my power.Phor.I’m much oblig’d to you.Naus.You’re worthy on’t.Phor.Will you then even now, Nausistrata,Grant me one favor that will pleasure me,And grieve your husband’s sight?Naus.With all my soul.Phor.Ask me to supper!Naus.I invite you.Dem.In then!Naus.We will. But where is Phædria, our judge?Phor.He shall be with you.— (To theAudience.)Farewell; Clap your hands!THE END.
Chrem.Ha! Demipho!Chrem.Ha!Has Phormio had the money yet?Dem.I paid himImmediately.Chrem.I’m sorry for’t.— (SeeingNausistrata.)—My wife!I’d almost said too much. (Aside.)Dem.Why sorry, Chremes?Chrem.Nothing.—No matter.Dem.Well, but hark ye, Chremes!Have you been talking with the girl, and told herWherefore we bring your wife?Chrem.I’ve settled it.Dem.Well, and what says she?Chrem.’Tis impossibleTo send her hence.Dem.And why impossible?Chrem.Because they are both so fond of one another.Dem.What’s that to us?Chrem.A great deal. And besides,I have discover’d she’s related to us.Dem.Have you your wits?Chrem.’Tis so. I’m very serious.—Nay, recollect a little!Dem.Are you mad?Naus.Good now, beware of wronging a relation!Dem.She’s no relation to us.Chrem.Don’t deny it.Her father had assum’d another name,And that deceiv’d you.Dem.What! not know her father?Chrem.Perfectly.Dem.Why did she misname him then?Chrem.Won’t you be rul’d, nor understand me then?Dem.What can I understand from nothing?Chrem.Still? (Impatiently.)Naus.I can’t imagine what this means.Dem.Nor I.Chrem.Would you know all?—Why then, so help me Heaven,She has no nearer kindred in the worldThan you and I.Dem.Oh, all ye powers of heaven!—Let us go to her then immediately:I would fain know, or not know, all at once. (Going.)Chrem.Ah! (Stopping him.)Dem.What’s the matter?Chrem.Can’t you trust me then?Dem.Must I believe it? take it upon trust?—Well, be it so!—But what is to be doneWith our friend’s daughter?Chrem.Nothing.Dem.Drop her?Chrem.Aye.Dem.And keep this?Chrem.Aye.Dem.Why then, Nausistrata,You may return. We need not trouble you.Naus.Indeed, I think, ’tis better on all sides,That you should keep her here, than send her hence.For she appear’d to me, when first I saw her,Much of a gentlewoman.ExitNausistrata.
Chrem.Ha! Demipho!Chrem.Ha!Has Phormio had the money yet?Dem.I paid himImmediately.Chrem.I’m sorry for’t.— (SeeingNausistrata.)—My wife!I’d almost said too much. (Aside.)Dem.Why sorry, Chremes?Chrem.Nothing.—No matter.
Chrem.Ha! Demipho!
Chrem.Ha!
Has Phormio had the money yet?
Dem.I paid him
Immediately.
Chrem.I’m sorry for’t.— (SeeingNausistrata.)—My wife!
I’d almost said too much. (Aside.)
Dem.Why sorry, Chremes?
Chrem.Nothing.—No matter.
Dem.Well, but hark ye, Chremes!
Have you been talking with the girl, and told her
Wherefore we bring your wife?
Chrem.I’ve settled it.
Dem.Well, and what says she?
Chrem.’Tis impossible
To send her hence.
Dem.And why impossible?
Chrem.Because they are both so fond of one another.
Dem.What’s that to us?
Chrem.A great deal. And besides,
I have discover’d she’s related to us.
Dem.Have you your wits?
Chrem.’Tis so. I’m very serious.
—Nay, recollect a little!
Dem.Are you mad?
Naus.Good now, beware of wronging a relation!
Dem.She’s no relation to us.
Chrem.Don’t deny it.
Her father had assum’d another name,
And that deceiv’d you.
Dem.What! not know her father?
Chrem.Perfectly.
Dem.Why did she misname him then?
Chrem.Won’t you be rul’d, nor understand me then?
Dem.What can I understand from nothing?
Chrem.Still? (Impatiently.)
Naus.I can’t imagine what this means.
Dem.Nor I.
Chrem.Would you know all?—Why then, so help me Heaven,
She has no nearer kindred in the world
Than you and I.
Dem.Oh, all ye powers of heaven!
—Let us go to her then immediately:
I would fain know, or not know, all at once. (Going.)
Chrem.Ah! (Stopping him.)
Dem.What’s the matter?
Chrem.Can’t you trust me then?
Dem.Must I believe it? take it upon trust?
—Well, be it so!—But what is to be done
With our friend’s daughter?
Chrem.Nothing.
Dem.Drop her?
Chrem.Aye.
Dem.And keep this?
Chrem.Aye.
Dem.Why then, Nausistrata,
You may return. We need not trouble you.
Naus.Indeed, I think, ’tis better on all sides,
That you should keep her here, than send her hence.
For she appear’d to me, when first I saw her,
Much of a gentlewoman.
ExitNausistrata.
ManentDemiphoandChremes.
Dem.What means this?Chrem.(looking afterNausistrata). Is the door shut?Dem.It is.Chrem.O Jupiter!The Gods take care of us. I’ve found my daughterMarried to your son.Dem.Ha! how could it be?Chrem.It is not safe to tell you here.Dem.Step in then.Chrem.But hark ye, Demipho!—I would not haveEven our very sons inform’d of this.Exeunt.
Dem.What means this?
Chrem.(looking afterNausistrata). Is the door shut?
Dem.It is.
Chrem.O Jupiter!
The Gods take care of us. I’ve found my daughter
Married to your son.
Dem.Ha! how could it be?
Chrem.It is not safe to tell you here.
Dem.Step in then.
Chrem.But hark ye, Demipho!—I would not have
Even our very sons inform’d of this.
Exeunt.
Antiphoalone.
I’m glad, however my affairs proceed,That Phædria’s have succeeded to his mind.How wise to foster such desires alone,As, although cross’d, are easily supplied!Money, once found, sets Phædria at his ease;But my distress admits no remedy.For, if the secret’s kept, I live in fear;And if reveal’d, I am expos’d to shame.Nor would I now return, but in the hopeOf still possessing her.—But where is Geta?That I may learn of him the fittest timeTo meet my father.
I’m glad, however my affairs proceed,
That Phædria’s have succeeded to his mind.
How wise to foster such desires alone,
As, although cross’d, are easily supplied!
Money, once found, sets Phædria at his ease;
But my distress admits no remedy.
For, if the secret’s kept, I live in fear;
And if reveal’d, I am expos’d to shame.
Nor would I now return, but in the hope
Of still possessing her.—But where is Geta?
That I may learn of him the fittest time
To meet my father.
Enter, at a distance,Phormio.
Phor.(to himself). I’ve receiv’d the money;Paid the procurer; carried off the wench;Who’s free, and now in Phædria’s possession.One thing alone remains to be dispatch’d;To get a respite from th’ old gentlemenTo tipple some few days, which I must spendIn mirth and jollity.Ant.But yonder’s Phormio.— (Goes up.)What now?Phor.Of what?Ant.What’s Phædria about?How does he mean to take his fill of love?Phor.By acting your part in his turn.Ant.What part?Phor.Flying his father’s presence.—And he begsThat you’d act his, and make excuses for him;For he intends a drinking-bout with me.I shall pretend to the old gentlemenThat I am going to the fair at Sunium,To buy the servant-maid that Geta mention’d:Lest, finding I am absent, they suspectThat I am squandering the sum they paid me.—But your door opens.Ant.Who comes here?Phor.’Tis Geta.
Phor.(to himself). I’ve receiv’d the money;
Paid the procurer; carried off the wench;
Who’s free, and now in Phædria’s possession.
One thing alone remains to be dispatch’d;
To get a respite from th’ old gentlemen
To tipple some few days, which I must spend
In mirth and jollity.
Ant.But yonder’s Phormio.— (Goes up.)
What now?
Phor.Of what?
Ant.What’s Phædria about?
How does he mean to take his fill of love?
Phor.By acting your part in his turn.
Ant.What part?
Phor.Flying his father’s presence.—And he begs
That you’d act his, and make excuses for him;
For he intends a drinking-bout with me.
I shall pretend to the old gentlemen
That I am going to the fair at Sunium,
To buy the servant-maid that Geta mention’d:
Lest, finding I am absent, they suspect
That I am squandering the sum they paid me.
—But your door opens.
Ant.Who comes here?
Phor.’Tis Geta.
Enter hastily, at another part of the stage,Geta.
Geta.O fortune, O best fortune, what high blessings,What sudden, great, and unexpected joysHast thou shower’d down on Antipho to-day!——Ant.What can this be he’s so rejoic’d about?Geta.—And from what fears deliver’d us, his friends?—But wherefore do I loiter thus? and whyDo I not throw my cloak upon my shoulder,And haste to find him out, that he may knowAll that has happen’d?Ant.(toPhormio). Do you comprehendWhat he is talking of?Phor.Do you?Ant.Not I.Phor.I’m just as wise as you.Geta.I’ll hurry henceTo the procurer’s.—I shall find them there. (Going.)Ant.Ho, Geta!Geta.Look ye there!—Is’t new or strange,To be recall’d when one’s in haste? (Going.)Ant.Here, Geta!Geta.Again? bawl on! I’ll ne’er stop. (Going on.)Ant.Stay, I say!Geta.Go, and be drubb’d!Ant.You shall, I promise you,Unless you stop, you rascal!Geta(stopping). Hold, hold, Geta!Some intimate acquaintance this, be sure,Being so free with you.—But is it heThat I am looking for, or not?—’Tis he.Phor.Go up immediately. (They go up toGeta.)Ant.(toGeta). What means all this?Geta.O happy man! the happiest man on earth!So very happy, that, beyond all doubt,You are the God’s chief fav’rite, Antipho.Ant.Would I were! but your reason.Geta.Is’t enoughTo plunge you over head and ears in joy?Ant.You torture me.Phor.No promises! but tell usWhat is your news?Geta.Oh, Phormio! are you here?Phor.I am: but why d’ye trifle?Geta.Mind me then! (ToPhormio.)No sooner had we paid you at the Forum,But we return’d directly home again.—Arriv’d, my master sends me to your wife. (ToAntipho.)Ant.For what?Geta.No matter now, good Antipho.I was just entering the women’s lodging,When up runs little Mida; catches meHold by the cloak behind, and pulls me back.I turn about, and ask why he detains me.He told me, “Nobody must see his mistress:For Sophrona,” says he, “has just now broughtDemipho’s brother, Chremes, here; and heIs talking with the women now within.”—When I heard this, I stole immediatelyOn tip-toe tow’rd the door; came close; stood hush;Drew in my breath; applied my ear; and thus,Deep in attention, catch’d their whole discourse.Ant.Excellent, Geta!Geta.Here I overheardThe pleasantest adventure! On my life,I scarce refrain’d from crying out for joy.Ant.What?Geta.What d’ye think? (Laughing.)Ant.I can’t tell,Geta.Oh! it was (laughing.)Most wonderful!—most exquisite!—your uncleIs found to be the father of your wife.Ant.How! what?Geta.He had a sly intrigue, it seems,With Phanium’s mother formerly at Lemnos. (Laughing.)Phor.Nonsense! as if she did not know her father!Geta.Nay, there’s some reason for it, Phormio,You may be sure.—But was it possibleFor me, who stood without, to comprehendEach minute circumstance that pass’d within?Ant.I have heard something of this story too.Geta.Then, Sir, to settle your belief the more,At last out comes your uncle; and soon afterReturns again, and carries in your father.Then they both said, they gave their full consentThat you should keep your Phanium.—In a word,I’m sent to find you out, and bring you to them.Ant.Away with me then instantly! D’ye linger?Geta.Not I. Away!Ant.My Phormio, fare you well!Phor.Fare you well, Antipho!Exeunt.
Geta.O fortune, O best fortune, what high blessings,
What sudden, great, and unexpected joys
Hast thou shower’d down on Antipho to-day!——
Ant.What can this be he’s so rejoic’d about?
Geta.—And from what fears deliver’d us, his friends?
—But wherefore do I loiter thus? and why
Do I not throw my cloak upon my shoulder,
And haste to find him out, that he may know
All that has happen’d?
Ant.(toPhormio). Do you comprehend
What he is talking of?
Phor.Do you?
Ant.Not I.
Phor.I’m just as wise as you.
Geta.I’ll hurry hence
To the procurer’s.—I shall find them there. (Going.)
Ant.Ho, Geta!
Geta.Look ye there!—Is’t new or strange,
To be recall’d when one’s in haste? (Going.)
Ant.Here, Geta!
Geta.Again? bawl on! I’ll ne’er stop. (Going on.)
Ant.Stay, I say!
Geta.Go, and be drubb’d!
Ant.You shall, I promise you,
Unless you stop, you rascal!
Geta(stopping). Hold, hold, Geta!
Some intimate acquaintance this, be sure,
Being so free with you.—But is it he
That I am looking for, or not?—’Tis he.
Phor.Go up immediately. (They go up toGeta.)
Ant.(toGeta). What means all this?
Geta.O happy man! the happiest man on earth!
So very happy, that, beyond all doubt,
You are the God’s chief fav’rite, Antipho.
Ant.Would I were! but your reason.
Geta.Is’t enough
To plunge you over head and ears in joy?
Ant.You torture me.
Phor.No promises! but tell us
What is your news?
Geta.Oh, Phormio! are you here?
Phor.I am: but why d’ye trifle?
Geta.Mind me then! (ToPhormio.)
No sooner had we paid you at the Forum,
But we return’d directly home again.
—Arriv’d, my master sends me to your wife. (ToAntipho.)
Ant.For what?
Geta.No matter now, good Antipho.
I was just entering the women’s lodging,
When up runs little Mida; catches me
Hold by the cloak behind, and pulls me back.
I turn about, and ask why he detains me.
He told me, “Nobody must see his mistress:
For Sophrona,” says he, “has just now brought
Demipho’s brother, Chremes, here; and he
Is talking with the women now within.”
—When I heard this, I stole immediately
On tip-toe tow’rd the door; came close; stood hush;
Drew in my breath; applied my ear; and thus,
Deep in attention, catch’d their whole discourse.
Ant.Excellent, Geta!
Geta.Here I overheard
The pleasantest adventure! On my life,
I scarce refrain’d from crying out for joy.
Ant.What?
Geta.What d’ye think? (Laughing.)
Ant.I can’t tell,
Geta.Oh! it was (laughing.)
Most wonderful!—most exquisite!—your uncle
Is found to be the father of your wife.
Ant.How! what?
Geta.He had a sly intrigue, it seems,
With Phanium’s mother formerly at Lemnos. (Laughing.)
Phor.Nonsense! as if she did not know her father!
Geta.Nay, there’s some reason for it, Phormio,
You may be sure.—But was it possible
For me, who stood without, to comprehend
Each minute circumstance that pass’d within?
Ant.I have heard something of this story too.
Geta.Then, Sir, to settle your belief the more,
At last out comes your uncle; and soon after
Returns again, and carries in your father.
Then they both said, they gave their full consent
That you should keep your Phanium.—In a word,
I’m sent to find you out, and bring you to them.
Ant.Away with me then instantly! D’ye linger?
Geta.Not I. Away!
Ant.My Phormio, fare you well!
Phor.Fare you well, Antipho!
Exeunt.
Phormioalone.
Well done, ’fore Heaven!I’m overjoy’d to see so much good fortuneFallen thus unexpectedly upon them:I’ve now an admirable opportunityTo bubble the old gentlemen, and easePhædria of all his cares about the money;So that he need not be oblig’d to friends.For this same money, though it will be given,Will yet come from them much against the grain;But I have found a way to force them to’t.—Now then I must assume a grander air,And put another face upon this business.—I’ll hence a while into the next by-alley,And pop upon them as they’re coming forth.—As for the trip I talk’d of to the fair,I sha’n’t pretend to take that journey now.Exit.
Well done, ’fore Heaven!
I’m overjoy’d to see so much good fortune
Fallen thus unexpectedly upon them:
I’ve now an admirable opportunity
To bubble the old gentlemen, and ease
Phædria of all his cares about the money;
So that he need not be oblig’d to friends.
For this same money, though it will be given,
Will yet come from them much against the grain;
But I have found a way to force them to’t.
—Now then I must assume a grander air,
And put another face upon this business.
—I’ll hence a while into the next by-alley,
And pop upon them as they’re coming forth.
—As for the trip I talk’d of to the fair,
I sha’n’t pretend to take that journey now.
Exit.
EnterDemiphoandChremes—and soon after, on t’other side,Phormio.
Dem.Well may we thank the gracious Gods, good brother,That all things have succeeded to our wish.—But now let’s find out Phormio with all speed,Before he throws away our thirty minæ.Phor.(pretending not to see him).I’ll go and see if Demipho’s at home,That I may——Dem.(meeting him).—We were coming to you, Phormio.Phor.On the old score, I warrant.Dem.Aye.Phor.I thought so.—Why should you go to me?—ridiculous!Was you afraid I’d break my contract with you?No, no! how great soe’er my poverty,I’ve always shown myself a man of honor.Chrem.Has not she, as I said, a liberal air?Dem.She has.Apart.Phor.—And therefore I was coming, Demipho,To let you know I’m ready to receiveMy wife whene’er you please. For I postpon’dAll other business, as indeed I ought,Soon as I found ye were so bent on this.Dem.Aye, but my brother has dissuaded meFrom going any further in this business.“For how will people talk of it?” says he:“At first you might have done it handsomely;But then you’d not consent to it; and now,After cohabitation with your son,To think of a divorce is infamous.”—In short, he urg’d almost the very thingsThat you so lately charg’d me with yourself.Phor.You trifle with me, gentlemen.Dem.How so?Phor.How so? Because I can not marry t’other,With whom I told you I was first in treaty.For with what face can I return to herWhom I have held in such contempt?Chrem.Tell himAntipho does not care to part with her. (PromptingDemipho.)Dem.And my son too don’t care to part with her:—Step to the Forum then, and give an orderFor the repayment of our money, Phormio.Phor.What! when I’ve paid it to my creditors?Dem.What’s to be done then?Phor.Give me but the wifeTo whom you have betroth’d me, and I’ll wed her.But if you’d rather she should stay with you,The portion stays with me, good Demipho,For ’tis not just I should be bubbled by you;When, to retrieve your honor, I’ve refus’dAnother woman with an equal fortune.Dem.A plague upon your idle vaporing,You vagabond!—D’ye fancy we don’t know you?You, and your fine proceedings?Phor.You provoke me.Dem.Why, would you marry her, if proffer’d?Phor.Try me.Dem.What! that my son may keep her privatelyAt your house?—That was your intention.Phor.Ha!What say you, Sir?Dem.Give me my money, Sirrah!Phor.Give me my wife, I say.Dem.To justice with him!Phor.To justice? Now, by Heaven, gentlemen,If you continue to be troublesome——Dem.What will you do?Phor.What will I do? PerhapsYou think that I can only patronizeGirls without portion; but be sure of this,I’ve some with portions too.Chrem.What’s that to us?Phor.Nothing.—I know a lady here whose husband——Chrem.Ha! (Carelessly.)Dem.What’s the matter?Phor.—Had another wifeAt Lemnos.Chrem.(aside). I’m a dead man.Phor.—By which otherHe had a daughter; whom he now brings upIn private.Chrem.(aside). Dead and buried.Phor.This I’ll tell her. (Going toward the house.)Chrem.Don’t, I beseech you!Phor.Oh! are you the man?Dem.Death! how insulting!Chrem.(toPhormio). We discharge you.Phor.Nonsense!Chrem.What would you more? The money you have gotWe will forgive you.Phor.Well; I hear you now.—But what a plague d’ye mean by fooling thus,Acting and talking like mere children with me?—I won’t; I will: I will; I won’t again:——Give, take; say, unsay; do, and then undo.Chrem.(toDemipho). Which way could he have learn’d this?Dem.I don’t know;But I am sure I never mention’d it.Chrem.Good now! amazing!Phor.I have ruffled them. (Aside.)Dem.What! shall he carry off so large a sum,And laugh at us so openly?—By Heaven,I’d rather die.—Be of good courage, brother!Pluck up the spirit of a man! You seeThis slip of yours is got abroad; nor can youKeep it a secret from your wife. Now, therefore,’Tis more conducive to your peace, good Chremes,That we should fairly tell it her ourselves,Than she should hear the story from another.And then we shall be quite at libertyTo take our own revenge upon this rascal.Phor.Ha!—If I don’t take care I’m ruin’d still.They’re growing desperate, and making tow’rd meWith a determin’d gladiatorial air.Chrem.(toDemipho). I fear she’ll ne’er forgive me.Dem.Courage, Chremes!I’ll reconcile her to’t; especiallyThe mother being dead and gone.Phor.Is thisYour dealing, gentlemen? You come upon meExtremely cunningly.—But, Demipho,You have but ill consulted for your brother,To urge me to extremities.—And you, Sir (toChremes),When you have play’d the whoremaster abroad;Having no reverence for your lady here,A woman of condition; wronging herAfter the grossest manner; come you nowTo wash away your crimes with mean submission?No.—I will kindle such a flame in her,As, though you melt in tears, you sha’n’t extinguish.Dem.A plague upon him! was there ever manSo very impudent?—A knave! he oughtTo be transported at the public chargeInto some desert.Chrem.I am so confounded,I know not what to do with him.Dem.I know.Bring him before a judge!Phor.Before a judge?A lady-judge; in here, Sirs, if you please.Dem.Run you and hold him, while I call her servants.Chrem.I can not by myself; come up and help me.Phor.I have an action of assault against you. (ToDemipho.)Chrem.Bring it!Phor.Another against you too, Chremes!Dem.Drag him away! (Both lay hold of him.)Phor.(struggling). Is that your way with me!Then I must raise my voice.—Nausistrata!Come hither.Chrem.Stop his mouth!Dem.(struggling). A sturdy rogue!How strong he is!Phor.(struggling). Nausistrata, I say.Nausistrata!Chrem.(struggling). Peace, Sirrah!Phor.Peace, indeed!Dem.Unless he follows, strike him in the stomach!Phor.Aye, or put out an eye!—But here comes oneWill give me full revenge upon you both.
Dem.Well may we thank the gracious Gods, good brother,
That all things have succeeded to our wish.
—But now let’s find out Phormio with all speed,
Before he throws away our thirty minæ.
Phor.(pretending not to see him).
I’ll go and see if Demipho’s at home,
That I may——
Dem.(meeting him).—We were coming to you, Phormio.
Phor.On the old score, I warrant.
Dem.Aye.
Phor.I thought so.
—Why should you go to me?—ridiculous!
Was you afraid I’d break my contract with you?
No, no! how great soe’er my poverty,
I’ve always shown myself a man of honor.
Chrem.Has not she, as I said, a liberal air?
Dem.She has.
Phor.—And therefore I was coming, Demipho,
To let you know I’m ready to receive
My wife whene’er you please. For I postpon’d
All other business, as indeed I ought,
Soon as I found ye were so bent on this.
Dem.Aye, but my brother has dissuaded me
From going any further in this business.
“For how will people talk of it?” says he:
“At first you might have done it handsomely;
But then you’d not consent to it; and now,
After cohabitation with your son,
To think of a divorce is infamous.”
—In short, he urg’d almost the very things
That you so lately charg’d me with yourself.
Phor.You trifle with me, gentlemen.
Dem.How so?
Phor.How so? Because I can not marry t’other,
With whom I told you I was first in treaty.
For with what face can I return to her
Whom I have held in such contempt?
Chrem.Tell him
Antipho does not care to part with her. (PromptingDemipho.)
Dem.And my son too don’t care to part with her:
—Step to the Forum then, and give an order
For the repayment of our money, Phormio.
Phor.What! when I’ve paid it to my creditors?
Dem.What’s to be done then?
Phor.Give me but the wife
To whom you have betroth’d me, and I’ll wed her.
But if you’d rather she should stay with you,
The portion stays with me, good Demipho,
For ’tis not just I should be bubbled by you;
When, to retrieve your honor, I’ve refus’d
Another woman with an equal fortune.
Dem.A plague upon your idle vaporing,
You vagabond!—D’ye fancy we don’t know you?
You, and your fine proceedings?
Phor.You provoke me.
Dem.Why, would you marry her, if proffer’d?
Phor.Try me.
Dem.What! that my son may keep her privately
At your house?—That was your intention.
Phor.Ha!
What say you, Sir?
Dem.Give me my money, Sirrah!
Phor.Give me my wife, I say.
Dem.To justice with him!
Phor.To justice? Now, by Heaven, gentlemen,
If you continue to be troublesome——
Dem.What will you do?
Phor.What will I do? Perhaps
You think that I can only patronize
Girls without portion; but be sure of this,
I’ve some with portions too.
Chrem.What’s that to us?
Phor.Nothing.—I know a lady here whose husband——
Chrem.Ha! (Carelessly.)
Dem.What’s the matter?
Phor.—Had another wife
At Lemnos.
Chrem.(aside). I’m a dead man.
Phor.—By which other
He had a daughter; whom he now brings up
In private.
Chrem.(aside). Dead and buried.
Phor.This I’ll tell her. (Going toward the house.)
Chrem.Don’t, I beseech you!
Phor.Oh! are you the man?
Dem.Death! how insulting!
Chrem.(toPhormio). We discharge you.
Phor.Nonsense!
Chrem.What would you more? The money you have got
We will forgive you.
Phor.Well; I hear you now.
—But what a plague d’ye mean by fooling thus,
Acting and talking like mere children with me?
—I won’t; I will: I will; I won’t again:——
Give, take; say, unsay; do, and then undo.
Chrem.(toDemipho). Which way could he have learn’d this?
Dem.I don’t know;
But I am sure I never mention’d it.
Chrem.Good now! amazing!
Phor.I have ruffled them. (Aside.)
Dem.What! shall he carry off so large a sum,
And laugh at us so openly?—By Heaven,
I’d rather die.—Be of good courage, brother!
Pluck up the spirit of a man! You see
This slip of yours is got abroad; nor can you
Keep it a secret from your wife. Now, therefore,
’Tis more conducive to your peace, good Chremes,
That we should fairly tell it her ourselves,
Than she should hear the story from another.
And then we shall be quite at liberty
To take our own revenge upon this rascal.
Phor.Ha!—If I don’t take care I’m ruin’d still.
They’re growing desperate, and making tow’rd me
With a determin’d gladiatorial air.
Chrem.(toDemipho). I fear she’ll ne’er forgive me.
Dem.Courage, Chremes!
I’ll reconcile her to’t; especially
The mother being dead and gone.
Phor.Is this
Your dealing, gentlemen? You come upon me
Extremely cunningly.—But, Demipho,
You have but ill consulted for your brother,
To urge me to extremities.—And you, Sir (toChremes),
When you have play’d the whoremaster abroad;
Having no reverence for your lady here,
A woman of condition; wronging her
After the grossest manner; come you now
To wash away your crimes with mean submission?
No.—I will kindle such a flame in her,
As, though you melt in tears, you sha’n’t extinguish.
Dem.A plague upon him! was there ever man
So very impudent?—A knave! he ought
To be transported at the public charge
Into some desert.
Chrem.I am so confounded,
I know not what to do with him.
Dem.I know.
Bring him before a judge!
Phor.Before a judge?
A lady-judge; in here, Sirs, if you please.
Dem.Run you and hold him, while I call her servants.
Chrem.I can not by myself; come up and help me.
Phor.I have an action of assault against you. (ToDemipho.)
Chrem.Bring it!
Phor.Another against you too, Chremes!
Dem.Drag him away! (Both lay hold of him.)
Phor.(struggling). Is that your way with me!
Then I must raise my voice.—Nausistrata!
Come hither.
Chrem.Stop his mouth!
Dem.(struggling). A sturdy rogue!
How strong he is!
Phor.(struggling). Nausistrata, I say.
Nausistrata!
Chrem.(struggling). Peace, Sirrah!
Phor.Peace, indeed!
Dem.Unless he follows, strike him in the stomach!
Phor.Aye, or put out an eye!—But here comes one
Will give me full revenge upon you both.
To themNausistrata.
Naus.Who calls for me?Chrem.Confusion!Naus.(toChremes). Pray, my dear,What’s this disturbance?Phor.Dumb, old Truepenny!Naus.Who is this man?—Why don’t you answer me? (ToChremes.)Phor.He answer you! he’s hardly in his senses.Chrem.Never believe him!Phor.Do but go and touch him;He’s in a shivering fit, I’ll lay my life.Chrem.Nay——Naus.But what means he then?Phor.I’ll tell you, madam;Do but attend!Chrem.Will you believe him then?Naus.What is there to believe, when he says nothing?Phor.Poor man! his fear deprives him of his wits.Naus.(toChremes). I’m sure you’re not so much afraidfor nothing.Chrem.What! I afraid? (Endeavoring to take heart.)Phor.Oh, not at all!—And sinceYou’re in no fright, and what I say means nothing,Tell it yourself.Dem.At your desire, you rascal?Phor.Oh, you’ve done rarely for your brother, Sir!Naus.What! Won’t you tell me, husband?Chrem.But——Naus.But what?Chrem.There’s no occasion for it.Phor.Not for you:But for the Lady there is much occasion.In Lemnos——Chrem.Ha! what say you?Dem.(toPhormio). Hold your peace!Phor.Without your knowledge——Chrem.Oh dear!Phor.He has hadAnother wife.Naus.My husband? Heav’n forbid!Phor.’Tis even so.Naus.Ah me! I am undone.Phor.—And had a daughter by her there; while youWas left to sleep in ignorance alone.Naus.Oh Heavens!—Baseness!—Treachery!Phor.’Tis fact.Naus.Was ever any thing more infamous?When they’re with us, their wives forsooth, they’re old.—Demipho, I appeal to you: for himI can not bear to speak to.—And were theseHis frequent journeys and long stay at Lemnos?Was this the cheapness that reduc’d our rents?Dem.That he has been to blame, Nausistrata,I don’t deny; but not beyond all pardon.Phor.You’re talking to the dead.Dem.It was not doneOut of aversion or contempt to you.In liquor, almost fifteen years ago,He met this woman, whence he had this daughter;Nor e’er had commerce with her from that hour.She’s dead: your only grievance is remov’d.Wherefore I beg you’d show your wonted goodness,And bear it patiently.Naus.How! bear it patiently?Alas! I wish his vices might end here.But have I the least hope? can I supposeThat years will cure these rank offenses in him?Ev’n at that time he was already old,If age could make him modest.—Are my yearsAnd beauty, think ye, like to please him moreAt present, Demipho, than formerly?—In short, what ground, what reason to expectThat he should not commit the same hereafter?Phor.(aloud). Whoever would attend the funeralOf Chremes, now’s the time!—See! that’s my way.Come on then! provoke Phormio now, who dares!Like Chremes, he shall fall a victim to me.—Let him get into favor when he will!I’ve had revenge sufficient. She has somethingTo ring into his ears his whole life long.Naus.Have I deserv’d this?—Need I, Demipho,Number up each particular, and sayHow good a wife I’ve been?Dem.I know it all.Naus.Am I then justly treated?Dem.Not at all.But since reproaches can’t undo what’s done,Forgive him! he begs pardon; owns his fault;And promises to mend.—What would you more?Phor.But hold; before she ratifies his pardon,I must secure myself and Phædria. (Aside.)—Nausistrata, a word!—Before you giveYour answer rashly, hear me!Naus.What’s your pleasure?Phor.I trick’d your husband there of thirty minæ,Which I have giv’n your son; and he has paid themTo a procurer for a mistress.Chrem.How!What say you?Naus.Is it such a heinous crimeFor your young son, d’ye think, to haveonemistress,Whileyouhavetwowives?—Are you not asham’d?Have you the face to chide him? answer me!Dem.He shall do ev’ry thing you please.Naus.Nay, nay,To tell you plainly my whole mind at once,I’ll not forgive, nor promise any thing,Nor give an answer, till I see my son.Phor.Wisely resolv’d, Nausistrata.Naus.Is thatSufficient satisfaction for you?Phor.Quite.I rest contented, well pleas’d, past my hopes.Naus.What is your name, pray?Phor.My name? Phormio:A faithful friend to all your family,Especially to Phædria.Naus.Trust me, Phormio,I’ll do you all the service in my power.Phor.I’m much oblig’d to you.Naus.You’re worthy on’t.Phor.Will you then even now, Nausistrata,Grant me one favor that will pleasure me,And grieve your husband’s sight?Naus.With all my soul.Phor.Ask me to supper!Naus.I invite you.Dem.In then!Naus.We will. But where is Phædria, our judge?Phor.He shall be with you.— (To theAudience.)Farewell; Clap your hands!
Naus.Who calls for me?
Chrem.Confusion!
Naus.(toChremes). Pray, my dear,
What’s this disturbance?
Phor.Dumb, old Truepenny!
Naus.Who is this man?—Why don’t you answer me? (ToChremes.)
Phor.He answer you! he’s hardly in his senses.
Chrem.Never believe him!
Phor.Do but go and touch him;
He’s in a shivering fit, I’ll lay my life.
Chrem.Nay——
Naus.But what means he then?
Phor.I’ll tell you, madam;
Do but attend!
Chrem.Will you believe him then?
Naus.What is there to believe, when he says nothing?
Phor.Poor man! his fear deprives him of his wits.
Naus.(toChremes). I’m sure you’re not so much afraid
for nothing.
Chrem.What! I afraid? (Endeavoring to take heart.)
Phor.Oh, not at all!—And since
You’re in no fright, and what I say means nothing,
Tell it yourself.
Dem.At your desire, you rascal?
Phor.Oh, you’ve done rarely for your brother, Sir!
Naus.What! Won’t you tell me, husband?
Chrem.But——
Naus.But what?
Chrem.There’s no occasion for it.
Phor.Not for you:
But for the Lady there is much occasion.
In Lemnos——
Chrem.Ha! what say you?
Dem.(toPhormio). Hold your peace!
Phor.Without your knowledge——
Chrem.Oh dear!
Phor.He has had
Another wife.
Naus.My husband? Heav’n forbid!
Phor.’Tis even so.
Naus.Ah me! I am undone.
Phor.—And had a daughter by her there; while you
Was left to sleep in ignorance alone.
Naus.Oh Heavens!—Baseness!—Treachery!
Phor.’Tis fact.
Naus.Was ever any thing more infamous?
When they’re with us, their wives forsooth, they’re old.
—Demipho, I appeal to you: for him
I can not bear to speak to.—And were these
His frequent journeys and long stay at Lemnos?
Was this the cheapness that reduc’d our rents?
Dem.That he has been to blame, Nausistrata,
I don’t deny; but not beyond all pardon.
Phor.You’re talking to the dead.
Dem.It was not done
Out of aversion or contempt to you.
In liquor, almost fifteen years ago,
He met this woman, whence he had this daughter;
Nor e’er had commerce with her from that hour.
She’s dead: your only grievance is remov’d.
Wherefore I beg you’d show your wonted goodness,
And bear it patiently.
Naus.How! bear it patiently?
Alas! I wish his vices might end here.
But have I the least hope? can I suppose
That years will cure these rank offenses in him?
Ev’n at that time he was already old,
If age could make him modest.—Are my years
And beauty, think ye, like to please him more
At present, Demipho, than formerly?
—In short, what ground, what reason to expect
That he should not commit the same hereafter?
Phor.(aloud). Whoever would attend the funeral
Of Chremes, now’s the time!—See! that’s my way.
Come on then! provoke Phormio now, who dares!
Like Chremes, he shall fall a victim to me.
—Let him get into favor when he will!
I’ve had revenge sufficient. She has something
To ring into his ears his whole life long.
Naus.Have I deserv’d this?—Need I, Demipho,
Number up each particular, and say
How good a wife I’ve been?
Dem.I know it all.
Naus.Am I then justly treated?
Dem.Not at all.
But since reproaches can’t undo what’s done,
Forgive him! he begs pardon; owns his fault;
And promises to mend.—What would you more?
Phor.But hold; before she ratifies his pardon,
I must secure myself and Phædria. (Aside.)
—Nausistrata, a word!—Before you give
Your answer rashly, hear me!
Naus.What’s your pleasure?
Phor.I trick’d your husband there of thirty minæ,
Which I have giv’n your son; and he has paid them
To a procurer for a mistress.
Chrem.How!
What say you?
Naus.Is it such a heinous crime
For your young son, d’ye think, to haveonemistress,
Whileyouhavetwowives?—Are you not asham’d?
Have you the face to chide him? answer me!
Dem.He shall do ev’ry thing you please.
Naus.Nay, nay,
To tell you plainly my whole mind at once,
I’ll not forgive, nor promise any thing,
Nor give an answer, till I see my son.
Phor.Wisely resolv’d, Nausistrata.
Naus.Is that
Sufficient satisfaction for you?
Phor.Quite.
I rest contented, well pleas’d, past my hopes.
Naus.What is your name, pray?
Phor.My name? Phormio:
A faithful friend to all your family,
Especially to Phædria.
Naus.Trust me, Phormio,
I’ll do you all the service in my power.
Phor.I’m much oblig’d to you.
Naus.You’re worthy on’t.
Phor.Will you then even now, Nausistrata,
Grant me one favor that will pleasure me,
And grieve your husband’s sight?
Naus.With all my soul.
Phor.Ask me to supper!
Naus.I invite you.
Dem.In then!
Naus.We will. But where is Phædria, our judge?
Phor.He shall be with you.— (To theAudience.)
Farewell; Clap your hands!