THE EUNUCH.

THE EUNUCH.PERSONS REPRESENTED.Prologue.Laches.Phædria.Chærea.Antipho.Chremes.Thraso.Gnatho.Parmeno.Dorus.Sanga.Simalio, etc.Thais.Pythias.Dorias.Sophrona.Pamphila.Scene, Athens.PROLOGUE.Toplease the candid, give offense to none,This, says the Poet, ever was his care:Yet if there’s one who thinks he’s hardly censur’d,Let him remember he was the aggressor:He, who translating many, but not well,On good Greek fables fram’d poor Latin plays;He, who but lately to the public gaveThe Phantom of Menander;He, who made,In the Thesaurus, the Defendant pleadAnd vouch the question’d treasure to be his,Before the Plaintiff his own title shows,Or whence it came into his father’s tomb.Henceforward, let him not deceive himself,Or cry,“I’msafe, he can say naught of me.”I charge him that he err not, and forbearTo urge me farther; for I’ve more, much more,Which now shall be o’erlook’d, but shall be known,If he pursue his slanders, as before.Soon as this play, the Eunuch of Menander,Which we are now preparing to perform,Was purchas’d by the Ædiles, he obtain’dLeave to examine it: and afterwardWhen ’twas rehears’d before the Magistrates,“A Thief,” he cried, “no Poet gives this piece.Yet has he not deceived us: for we know,The Colax is an ancient comedyOf Nævius, and of Plautus; and from thenceThe Parasite and Soldier both are stolen.”If that’s the Poet’s crime, it is a crimeOf ignorance, and not a studied theft.Judge for yourselves! the fact is even thus.The Colax is a fable of Menander’s;Wherein is drawn the character of ColaxThe parasite, and the vain-glorious soldier;Which characters, he scruples not to own,He to his Eunuch from the Greek transferr’d:But that he knew those pieces were beforeMade Latin, that he steadfastly denies.Yet if to other Poets ’tis not lawfulTo draw the characters our fathers drew,How can it then be lawful to exhibitSlaves running to and fro; to representGood matrons, wanton harlots; or to showAn eating parasite, vain-glorious soldier,Supposititious children, bubbled dotards,Or love, or hate, or jealousy?—In short,Nothing’s said now but has been said before.Weigh then these things with candor, and forgiveThe Moderns, if what Ancients did, they do.Attend, and list in silence to our play,That ye may know what ’tis the Eunuch means.ACT THE FIRST.SCENE I.EnterPhædriaandParmeno.Phæd.And what then shall I do? not go? not now?When she herself invites me? or were’t bestFashion my mind no longer to endureThese harlots’ impudence?—Shut out! recall’d!Shall I return? No, not if she implore me.Par.Oh brave! oh excellent! if you maintain it!But if you try, and can’t go through with spirit,And finding you can’t bear it, uninvited,Your peace unmade, all of your own accord,You come and swear you love, and can’t endure it,Good-night! all’s over! ruin’d and undoneShe’ll jilt you, when she sees you in her pow’r.Phæd.You then, in time consider and advise!Par.Master! the thing which hath not in itselfOr measure or advice, advice can’t rule.In love are all these ills: suspicions, quarrels,Wrongs, reconcilements, war, and peace again:Things thus uncertain, if by reason’s rulesYou’d certain make, it were as wise a taskTo try with reason to run mad. And nowWhat you in anger meditate—I her?That him?—that me? that would not—pardon me!I would die rather: No! she shall perceiveHow much I am a man.—Big words like these,She in good faith with one false tiny drop,Which, after grievous rubbing, from her eyesCan scarce perforce be squeez’d, shall overcome.Nay, she shall swear, ’twas you in fault, not she;You too shall own th’ offense, and pray for pardon.Phæd.Oh monstrous! monstrous! now indeed I seeHow false she is, and what a wretch I am!Spite of myself I love; and knowing, feeling,With open eyes run on to my destruction;And what to do I know not.Par.What to do?What should you do, Sir, but redeem yourselfAs cheaply as you can?—at easy ratesIf possible—if not—at any rate——And never vex yourself.Phæd.Is that your counsel?Par.Aye, if you’re wise; and do not add to loveMore troubles than it has, and those it hasBear bravely! But she comes, our ruin comes;For she, like storms of hail on fields of corn,Beats down our hopes, and carries all before her.SCENE II.EnterThais.Thais.Ah me! I fear lest Phædria take offenseAnd think I meant it other than I did,That he was not admitted yesterday. (To herself, not seeing them.)Phæd.I tremble, Parmeno, and freeze with horror.Par.Be of good cheer! approach yon fire—she’ll warm you.Thais.Who’s there? my Phædria? Why did you stand here?Why not directly enter?Par.Not one wordOf having shut him out!Thais.Why don’t you speak?Phæd.Because, forsooth, these doors will always flyOpen to me, or that because I standThe first in your good graces. (Ironically.)Thais.Nay, no more!Phæd.No more?—O Thais, Thais, would to HeavenOur loves were parallel, that things like theseMight torture you, as this has tortur’d me:Or that your actions were indifferent to me!Thais.Grieve not, I beg, my love, my Phædria!Not that I lov’d another more, I did this.But I by circumstance was forc’d to do it.Par.So then, it seems, for very love, poor soul,You shut the door in ’s teeth.Thais.Ah Parmeno!Is’t thus you deal with me? Go to!—But hearWhy I did call you hither?Phæd.Be it so.Thais.But tell me first, can yon slave hold his peace?Pam.I? oh most faithfully: But hark ye, madam!On this condition do I bind my faith:The truths I hear, I will conceal; but falsehood,Fiction, or gross pretence, shall out at once.The truths I hear, I will conceal; whate’erIs false, or vain, or feign’d, I’ll publish it.I’m full of chinks, and run through here and there:So if you claim my secrecy, speak truth.Thais.My mother was a Samian, liv’d at Rhodes.Par.This sleeps in silence. (Archly.)Thais.There a certain merchantMade her a present of a little girl,Stol’n hence from Attica.Phæd.A citizen?Thais.I think so, but we can not tell for certain.Her father’s and her mother’s name she toldHerself; her country and the other marksOf her original, she neither knew,Nor, from her age, was ’t possible she should.The merchant added further, that the pirates,Of whom he bought her, let him understand,She had been stol’n from Sunium. My motherGave her an education, brought her upIn all respects as she had been her own;And she in gen’ral was suppos’d my sister.I journeyed hither with the gentlemanTo whom alone I was connected then,The same who left me all I have.Par.These articlesAre both rank falsehoods, and shall out.Par.Both theseAre false, and shall go forth at large.Thais.Why so?Par.Because nor you with one could be content,Nor he alone enrich’d you; for my masterMade good and large addition.Thais.I allow it,But let me hasten to the point I wish:Meantime the captain, who was then but youngIn his attachment to me, went to Caria.I, in his absence, was address’d by you;Since when, full well you know, how very dearI’ve held you, and have trusted you with allMy nearest counsels.Phæd.And yet ParmenoWill not be silent even here.Par.Oh, Sir,Is that a doubt?Thais.Nay, prithee now, attend!My mother’s lately dead at Rhodes: her brother,Too much intent on wealth, no sooner sawThis virgin, handsome, well-accomplish’d, skill’dIn music, than, spurr’d on by hopes of gain,In public market he expos’d and sold her.It so fell out, my soldier-spark was there,And bought her, all unknowing these events,To give to me: but soon as he return’d,And found how much I was attach’d to you,He feign’d excuses to keep back the girl;Pretending, were he thoroughly convinc’dThat I would still prefer him to yourself,Nor fear’d that when I had receiv’d the girl,I would abandon him, he’d give her to me;But that he doubted. For my part, I thinkHe is grown fond of her himself.Phæd.Is thereAught more between them?Thais.No; for I’ve inquir’d,And now, my Phædria, there are sundry causesWherefore I wish to win the virgin from him.First, for she’s call’d my sister; and moreover,That I to her relations may restore her.I’m a lone woman, have nor friend, nor kin:Wherefore, my Phædria, I would raise up friendsBy some good turn:—And you, I prithee now,Help me to do it. Let him some few daysBe my gallant in chief. What! no reply?Phæd.Abandon’d woman! Can I aught replyTo deeds like these?Par.Oh excellent! well said!He feels at length; Now, master, you’re a man.Phæd.I saw your story’s drift.—“A little girlStol’n hence—My mother brought her up—was call’dMy sister—I would fain obtain her from him,That I to her relations might restore her——”All this preamble comes at last to this.I am excluded, he’s admitted. Why?But that you love him more than me, and fearLest this young captive win your hero from you.Thais.Do I fear that?Phæd.Why, prithee now, what else?Does he bring gifts alone? didst e’er perceiveMy bounty shut against you? Did I not,Because you told me you’d be glad to haveAn Ethiopian servant-maid, all elseOmitted, seek one out? You said besides,You wish’d to have an Eunuch, ’cause forsooth,They were for dames of quality; I found one:For both I yesterday paid twentyminæ,Yet you contemn me—I forgot not these,And for these I’m despis’d.Thais.Why this, my Phædria?Though I would fain obtain the girl, and thoughI think by these means it might well be done;Yet, rather than make you my enemy,I’ll do as you command.Phæd.Oh, had you saidThose words sincerely. “Rather than make youMy enemy!”—Oh, could I think those wordsCame from your heart, what is ’t I’d not endure!Par.Gone! conquer’d with one word! alas, how soon!Thais.Not speak sincerely? from my very soul?What did you ever ask, although in sport,But you obtain’d it of me? yet I can’tPrevail on you to grant but two short days.Phæd.Well—for two days—so those two be not twenty.Thais.No in good faith but two, or——Phæd.Or? no more.Thais.It shall not be: but you will grant me those.Phæd.Your will must be a law.Thais.Thanks, my sweet Phædria!Phæd.I’ll to the country: there consume myselfFor these two days: it must be so: we mustGive way to Thais. See you, Parmeno,The slaves brought hither.Par.Sir, I will.Phæd.My Thais,For these two days farewell!Thais.Farewell, my Phædria!Would you aught else with me?Phæd.Aught else, my Thais?Be with yon soldier present, as if absent:All night and day love me: still long for me:Dream, ponder still of me; wish, hope for me:Delight in me; be all in all with me;Give your whole heart, for mine’s all yours, to me.Exeunt.SCENE III.ManetThais.Ah me! I fear that he believes me not,And judges of my heart from those of others.I in my conscience know, that nothing falseI have deliver’d, nor to my true heartIs any dearer than this Phædria:And whatsoe’er in this affair I’ve done,For the girl’s sake I’ve done: for I’m in hopesI know her brother, a right noble youth.To-day I wait him, by his own appointment;Wherefore I’ll in, and tarry for his coming.ACT THE SECOND.SCENE I.Phædria,Parmeno.Phædria.Carry the slaves according to my order.Par.I will.Phæd.But diligently.Par.Sir, I will.Phæd.But soon.Par.I will, Sir!Phæd.Say, is it sufficient?Par.Ah! what a question’s that? as if it wereSo difficult! I wish, Sir Phædria,You could gain aught so easy, as lose these.Phæd.I lose, what’s dearer yet, my comfort with them.Repine not at my gifts.Par.Not I: moreoverI will convey them straight. But have you anyOther commands?Phæd.Oh yes: set off our presentsWith words as handsome as you can: and drive,As much as possible, that rival from her!Par.Ah, Sir, I should, of course, remember that.Phæd.I’ll to the country, and stay there.Par.O, aye! (Ironically.)Phæd.But hark you!Par.Sir, your pleasure?Phæd.Do you thinkI can with constancy hold out, and notReturn before my time?Par.Hold out? Not you.Either you’ll straight return, or want of sleepWill drive you forth at midnight.Phæd.I will toil;Either you’ll straight return, or soon at nightYour dreams will drive you out o’ doors.Phæd.I’ll toil;That, weary, I may sleep against my will.Par.Weary you may be; but you’ll never sleep.Phæd.Ah, Parmeno, you wrong me. I’ll cast outThis treacherous softness from my soul, nor thusIndulge my passions. Yes, I could remain,If need, without her even three whole days.Par.Hui! three whole livelong days! consider, Sir.Phæd.I am resolved.Parmenoalone.Heav’ns, what a strange disease is this! that loveShould so change men, that one can hardly swearThey are the same!—No mortal liv’dLess weak, more grave, more temperate than he.—But who comes yonder?—Gnatho, as I live;The Captain’s parasite! and brings alongThe Virgin for a present: oh rare wench!How beautiful! I shall come off, I doubt,But scurvily with my decrepit Eunuch.This Girl surpasses ev’n Thais herself.SCENE II.EnterGnatholeadingPamphila;Parmenobehind.Gnat.Good Heav’ns! how much one man excels another!What diff’rence ’twixt a wise man and a fool!What just now happen’d proves it: coming hitherI met with an old countryman, a manOf my own place and order, like myself,No scurvy fellow, who, like me, had spentIn mirth and jollity his whole estate.Seeing him in a wretched trim; his looksHe was in a most wretched trim; his looksLean, sick, and dirty; and his clothes all rags.“Hownow!” cried I, “what means this figure, friend?Alas! says he, my patrimony’s gone.—Ah, how am I reduc’d! my old acquaintanceAnd friends all shun me.”—Hearing this, how cheapI held him in comparison with me!“Why, how now? wretch, said I, most idle wretch!Have you spent all, nor left ev’n hope behind?What! have you lost your sense with your estate?Me!—look on me—come from the same condition!How sleek! how neat! how clad! in what good case!I’ve ev’ry thing, though nothing; naught possess,Yet naught I ever want.”—“Ah, Sir, but IHave an unhappy temper, and can’t bearTo be the butt of others, or to takeA beating now and then.”—“How then! d’ye thinkThose are the means of thriving? No, my friend!Such formerly indeed might drive a trade:Butmine’sa new profession; I the firstThat ever struck into this road. There areA kind of men, who wish to be the headOf ev’ry thing; but are not. These I follow;Not for their sport and laughter, but for gainTo laugh with them, and wonder at their parts:Whate’er they say, I praise it; if againThey contradict, I praise that too: does anyDeny? I too deny: affirm? I tooAffirm: and in a word, I’ve brought myselfTo say, unsay, swear, and forswear, at pleasure:And that is now the best of all professions.”Par.A special fellow this! who drives fools mad.Gnat.Deep in this conversation, we at lengthCome to the market, where the sev’ral tradesmen,Butchers, cooks, grocers, poult’rers, fishmongers,(Who, while my means were ample, profited,And, tho’ now wasted, profit by me still,)(Who once did profit and still profit by me,)All run with joy to me, salute, invite,And bid me welcome. He, poor half-starv’d wretch,Soon as he saw me thus caress’d, and foundI got my bread so easily, desiredHe might have leave to learn that art of me.I bade him follow me, if possible:And, as the Schools of the PhilosophersHave ta’en from the Philosophers their names,So, in like manner, let all ParasitesBe call’d from me Gnathonics!Par.Mark, what ease,And being kept at other’s cost, produces!Gnat.But hold, I must convey this girl to Thais,And bid her forth to sup.—Ha, Parmeno!Our rival’s slave, standing at Thais’ door!—How melancholy he appears! All’s safe:These poor rogues find but a cold welcome here.I’ll play upon this knave. (Aside.)Par.These fellows thinkThis present will make Thais all their own. (Aside.)Gnat.To Parmeno, his lov’d and honor’d friend,Gnatho sends greeting. (Ironically.)—What are you upon?Par.My legs.Gnat.I see it.—Is there nothing hereDispleasing to you?Par.You.Gnat.I do believe it.But prithee, is there nothing else?Par.Wherefore?Gnat.Because you’re melancholy.Par.Not at all.Gnat.Well, do not be so!—Pray, now, what d’ye thinkOf this young handmaid?Par.Troth, she’s not amiss.Gnat.I plague the rascal. (Half aside.)Par.How the knave’s deceiv’d! (Half aside.)Gnat.Will not this gift be very acceptableTo Thais, think you?Par.You’d insinuateThat we’re shut out.—There is, alas, a changeIn all things.Gnat.For these six months, Parmeno,For six whole months at least, I’ll make you easy;You sha’n’t run up and down, and watch till daylight;Come, don’t I make you happy?Par.Very happy.Gnat.’Tis my way with my friends.Par.You’re very good.Gnat.But I detain you: you, perhaps, was goingSomewhere else.Par.Nowhere.Gnat.May I beg you thenTo use your int’rest here, and introduce meTo Thais?Par.Hence! away! these doorsFly open now, because you carry her.Gnat.Would you have any one call’d forth?Exit.Par.Well, well!Pass but two days; and you, so welcome now,That the doors open with your little finger,Shall kick against them then, I warrant you,Till your heels ache again.Re-enterGnatho.Gnat.Ha! Parmeno!Are you here still? What! are you left a spy,Lest any go-between should run by stealthTo Thais from the Captain?Exit.Par.Very smart!No wonder such a wit delights the Captain!But hold! I see my master’s younger sonComing this way. I wonder much he shouldDesert Piræus, where he’s now on guard.’Tis not for nothing. All in haste he comes,And seems to look about.SCENE III.EnterChærea;Parmenobehind.Chær.Undone! undone!The Girl is lost; I know not where she is,Nor where I am: ah, whither shall I trace?Where seek? of whom inquire? or which way turn?I’m all uncertain; but have one hope still:Where’er she is, she can not long lie hid.Oh charming face! all others from my memoryHence I blot out. Away with common beauties!Par.So, here’s the other! and he mutters tooI know not what of love. Oh what a poorUnfortunate old man their father is!As for this stripling, if he once begin,His brother’s is but jest and children’s playTo his mad fury.Chær.Twice ten thousand cursesSeize the old wretch, who kept me back to-day;And me for staying! with a fellow tooI did not care a farthing for!—But see!Yonder stands Parmeno.—Good-day!Par.How now?Wherefore so sad? and why this hurry, Chærea?Whence come you?Chær.I? I can not tell, i’faith,Whence I am come, or whither I am going,I’ve so entirely lost myself.Par.And why?Chær.I am in love.Par.Oh brave!Chær.Now, Parmeno,Now you may show what kind of man you are.You know you’ve often told me;“Chærea,Find something out to set your heart upon,And mark how I will serve you!” yes, you knowYou’ve often said so, when I scrap’d togetherAll the provisions for you at my father’s.Par.Away, you trifler!Chær.Nay, in faith, it’s true:Now make your promise good! and in a causeWorthy the utmost reachings of your soul:A girl! my Parmeno, not like our misses;Whose mothers try to keep their shoulders down,And bind their bosoms, that their shapes may seemGenteel and slim. Is a girl rather plump?They call her nurse, and stint her in her food:Thus art, in spits of nature, makes them allMere bulrushes: and therefore they’re belov’d.Par.And what’s this girl of yours?Chær.A miracle.Par.Oh, to be sure!Chær.True, natural red and white;Her body firm, and full of precious stuff!Par.Her age?Chær.About sixteen.Par.The very prime!Chær.This girl, by force, by stealth, or by entreaty,Procure me! how I care not, so I have her.Par.Well, whom does she belong to?Chær.I don’t know.Par.Whence comes she?Chær.I can’t tell.Par.Where does she live?Chær.I can’t tell neither.Par.Where was it you saw her?Chær.Here in the street.Par.And how was it you lost her?Chær.Why it was that, which I so fumed about,As I came hither! nor was ever manSo jilted by good fortune as myself.Par.What mischief now?Chær.Confounded luck.Par.How so?Chær.How so! d’ye know one Archidemides,My father’s kinsman, and about his age?Par.Full well.Chær.As I was in pursuit of herHe met me.Par.Rather inconveniently.Chær.Oh most unhappily! for lighter illsMay pass for inconvenient, Parmeno.Nay, I could swear, with a safe conscience too,Chær.Oh most unhappily! for other illsMay be told, Parmeno!—I could swear too,For six, nay seven months, I had not seen him,Till now, when least I wish’d and most would shun it.Is not this monstrous? Eh!Par.Oh! very monstrous.Chær.Soon as from far he saw me, instantly,Bent, trembling, drop-jaw’d, gasping, out of breath,He hobbled up to me.—“Holo!ho! Chærea!”——I stopp’d.—“D’ye know what I want with you?”—“What?”—“I have a cause to-morrow.”—“Well! what then?”———“Fail not to tell your father, he rememberTo go up with me, as an advocate.”——His prating took some time. “Aught else?” said I.“Nothing,” said he:—Away flew I, and sawThe girl that instant turn into this street.Par.Sure he must mean the virgin, just now broughtTo Thais for a present.Chær.When I reach’dThis place, the girl was vanish’d.Par.Had your ladyAny attendants?Chær.Soon as ICame hither, she was out of sight.Par.Had sheAny attendants?Chær.Yes; a parasite,With a maid-servant.Par.’Tis the very same;Away! have done! all’s over.Chær.What d’ye mean?Par.The girl I mean.Chær.D’ye know then who she is?Tell me!—or have you seen her?Par.Yes, I’ve seen her;I know her; and can tell you where she is.Chær.How! my dear Parmeno, d’ye know her?Par.Yes.Chær.And where she is, d’ye know?Par.Yes,—there she is; (Pointing.)Carried to Madam Thais for a present.Chær.What monarch could bestow a gift so precious?Par.The mighty Captain Thraso, Phædria’s rival.Chær.Alas, poor brother!Par.Aye, and if you knewThe gift he sends to be compar’d with this,You’d cry alas, indeed!Chær.What is his gift?Par.An Eunuch.Chær.What! that old and ugly slaveThat he bought yesterday?Par.The very same.Chær.Why, surely, he’ll be trundled out o’ doorsHe and his gift together—But till nowI never knew this Thais was our neighbour.Par.She came but lately.Chær.Ev’ry way unlucky:He and his gift together—I ne’er knewTill now that Thais was our neighbor.Par.SheHas not been long so.Chær.Ev’ry way unlucky:Ne’er to have seen her neither:—Prithee, tell me,Is she so handsome, as she’s said to be?Par.Yes, faith.Chær.But nothing to compare to mine.Par.Oh, quite another thing.Chær.But Parmeno!Contrive that I may have her.Par.Well, I will.Depend on my assistance:—have you anyFurther commands? (As if going.)Chær.Where are you going?Par.Home;To bring according to your brother’s order,The slaves to Thais.Chær.Oh, that happy Eunuch!To be convey’d into that house!Par.Why so?Chær.Why so? why, he shall have that charming girlHis fellow-servant, see her all day long,Converse with her, dwell under the same roof,And sometimes eat, and sometimes sleep by her.His fellow-servant, see her, speak with her,Be with her in the same house all day long,And sometimes eat, and sometimes sleep by her.Par.And what if you should be so happy?Chær.How?Tell me, dear Parmeno!Par.Assume his dress.Chær.His dress! what then?Par.I’ll carry you for him.Chær.I hear you.Par.I will say that you are he.Chær.I understand you.Par.So shall you enjoyThose blessings which but now you envied him:Eat with her, be with her, touch, toy with her,And sleep by her: since none of Thais’ maidsKnow you, or dream of what you are. Besides,Your figure, and your age are such, that youMay well pass for an Eunuch.Chær.Oh, well said!I ne’er heard better counsel. Come, let’s in?Dress me, and carry me! Away, make haste!Par.What are you at? I did but jest.Chær.You trifle.Par.I’m ruin’d: fool, what have I done? Nay, whitherD’ye push me thus? You’ll throw me down. Nay, stay!Chær.Away.Par.Nay, prithee!Chær.I’m resolv’d.Par.Consider;You carry this too far.Chær.No, not at all.Give way!Par.And Parmeno must pay for all.Ah, we do wrong!Chær.Is it then wrong for meTo be convey’d into a house of harlots,And turn those very arts on them, with whichThey hamper us, and turn our youth to scorn?Can it be wrong for me too, in my turn,To deceive them, by whom we’re all deceiv’d?No, rather let it be! ’tis just to playThis trick upon them: which, if gray-beards know,They’ll blame indeed, but all will think well done.Par.Well, if you must, you must; but do not then,After all’s over, throw the blame on me.Chær.No, no!Par.But do you order me?Chær.I do:Order, command, compel you; nor will e’erDeny, or disavow my putting-on.Par.Come on then: follow me!Chær.Heav’n grant success!Chær.I do:Order, command, force.Par.Oh, I’ll not disputeYour pow’r. So, follow me.Chær.Heav’n speed the plow.ACT THE THIRD.SCENE I.EnterThrasoandGnatho.Thraso.And Thais then returns me many thanks?Gnat.Ten thousand.Thra.Say, is she delighted with it?Gnat.Not for the present’s sake so much, as thatFrom you it was presented: But thereinShe truly triumphs.Par.I’m upon the watch,To mark a proper opportunityTo bring my presents. But behold the Captain?Thra.It is, indeed, something, I know not how,Peculiar to me, do whate’er I please,It will appear agreeable.Gnat.In truthI always have observ’d it.Thra.Ev’n the KingHeld himself much obliged, whate’er I did:Not so to others.Gnat.Not so much with the gift itself, as thatBy you ’twas given: but therein she triumphs.EnterParmenobehind.Par.I’m come to look about me, and observeA proper opportunity to bringMy presents. But behold the Captain!Thra.’TisSomething, I know not how, peculiar to me,That all I do ’s agreeable.Gnat.In truthI have observ’d it.Thra.E’en the King alwaysHeld himself much obliged, whate’er I did:Not so to others.Gnat.Men of wit, like you,The glory, got by others’ care and toil,Often transfer unto themselves.Thra.You’ve hit it.Gnat.The king then held you——Thra.Certainly.Gnat.Most dear.Thra.Most near. He trusted his whole army to me,His counsels.——Gnat.Wonderful!Thra.And then whene’erSatiety of company, or hateOf business seiz’d him—when he would repose——As if——you understand me.Gnat.Perfectly.When he would—in a manner—clear his stomachOf all uneasiness.Thra.The very thing.On such occasions he chose none but me.Gnat.Hui! there’s a king indeed! a king of taste!Thra.No general man, I promise you.Gnat.Oh no!He must have been particular indeed,If he convers’d with You.Thra.One of a thousand.Gnat.Of a million sure!—If he could live with you. (Aside.)Thra.The courtiers allBegan to envy me, and rail’d in secret:I car’d not; whence their spleen increas’d the more.One in particular, who had the chargeOf th’ Indian elephants; who grew at lastSo very troublesome, “I prithee, Strato,Are you so savage, and so fierce, (says I,)Because you’re governor of the wild beasts?”Gnat.Oh, finely said! and shrewdly! excellent!Too hard upon him!—what said he to’t?Thra.Nothing.Gnat.And how the devil should he?Par.Gracious Heav’n!The stupid coxcomb!—and that rascal too! (Aside.)Thra.Aye! but the story of the Rhodian, Gnatho!How smart I was upon him at a feast——Did I ne’er tell you?Gnat.Never: but pray do!—I’ve heard it o’er and o’er a thousand times. (Aside.)Thra.We were by chance together at a feast——This Rhodian, that I told you of and I.——I, as it happen’d, had a wench: the sparkBegan to toy with her, and laugh at me.“Why how now, Impudence! (said I,) are youAhareyourself, and yet would hunt forgame?”Gnat.Ha! ha! ha!Thra.What’s the matter?Gnat.Ha! ha! ha!Witty! smart! excellent! incomparable!Is it your own? I swear I thought ’twas old.Thra.Why, did you ever hear it?Gnat.Very often;And reckon’d admirable.Thra.’Tis my own.Gnat.And yet ’twas pity to be so severeOn a young fellow, and a gentleman.Par.Ah! devil take you! (Aside.)Gnat.What became of him?Thra.It did for him. The company were allReady to die with laughing:—in a word,They dreaded me.Gnat.No wonder.Thra.Harkye, Gnatho!Thais, you know, suspects I love this girl.Shall I acquit myself?Gnat.On no account.Rather increase her jealousy.Thra.And why?Gnat.Why?—do you ask?—as if you didn’t know!——Whene’er she mentions Phædria, or whene’erShe praises him, to vex you——Thra.I perceive.Gnat.To hinder that, you’ve only this resource.When she names Phædria, name you Pamphila.If she should say,“come!let’s have PhædriaTo dinner with us!”—“aye, and PamphilaTo sing to us!”—if she praise Phædria’s person,Praise you the girl’s! so give her tit for tat,And gall her in her turn.Thra.Suppose she lov’d me,This might avail me, Gnatho!Gnat.While she lovesThe presents which you give, expecting more,So long she loves you; and so long you mayHave pow’r to vex her. She will always fearTo make you angry, lest some other reapThe harvest, which she now enjoys alone.Thra.You’re right: and yet I never thought of it.Gnat.Ridiculous! because you did not turnYour thoughts that way; or with how much more easeWould you have hit on this device yourself!SCENE II.EnterThaisandPythias.

Prologue.

Laches.

Phædria.

Chærea.

Antipho.

Chremes.

Thraso.

Gnatho.

Parmeno.

Dorus.

Sanga.

Simalio, etc.

Thais.

Pythias.

Dorias.

Sophrona.

Pamphila.

Scene, Athens.

Toplease the candid, give offense to none,This, says the Poet, ever was his care:Yet if there’s one who thinks he’s hardly censur’d,Let him remember he was the aggressor:He, who translating many, but not well,On good Greek fables fram’d poor Latin plays;He, who but lately to the public gaveThe Phantom of Menander;He, who made,In the Thesaurus, the Defendant pleadAnd vouch the question’d treasure to be his,Before the Plaintiff his own title shows,Or whence it came into his father’s tomb.Henceforward, let him not deceive himself,Or cry,“I’msafe, he can say naught of me.”I charge him that he err not, and forbearTo urge me farther; for I’ve more, much more,Which now shall be o’erlook’d, but shall be known,If he pursue his slanders, as before.Soon as this play, the Eunuch of Menander,Which we are now preparing to perform,Was purchas’d by the Ædiles, he obtain’dLeave to examine it: and afterwardWhen ’twas rehears’d before the Magistrates,“A Thief,” he cried, “no Poet gives this piece.Yet has he not deceived us: for we know,The Colax is an ancient comedyOf Nævius, and of Plautus; and from thenceThe Parasite and Soldier both are stolen.”If that’s the Poet’s crime, it is a crimeOf ignorance, and not a studied theft.Judge for yourselves! the fact is even thus.The Colax is a fable of Menander’s;Wherein is drawn the character of ColaxThe parasite, and the vain-glorious soldier;Which characters, he scruples not to own,He to his Eunuch from the Greek transferr’d:But that he knew those pieces were beforeMade Latin, that he steadfastly denies.Yet if to other Poets ’tis not lawfulTo draw the characters our fathers drew,How can it then be lawful to exhibitSlaves running to and fro; to representGood matrons, wanton harlots; or to showAn eating parasite, vain-glorious soldier,Supposititious children, bubbled dotards,Or love, or hate, or jealousy?—In short,Nothing’s said now but has been said before.Weigh then these things with candor, and forgiveThe Moderns, if what Ancients did, they do.Attend, and list in silence to our play,That ye may know what ’tis the Eunuch means.

Toplease the candid, give offense to none,

This, says the Poet, ever was his care:

Yet if there’s one who thinks he’s hardly censur’d,

Let him remember he was the aggressor:

He, who translating many, but not well,

On good Greek fables fram’d poor Latin plays;

He, who but lately to the public gave

The Phantom of Menander;He, who made,

In the Thesaurus, the Defendant plead

And vouch the question’d treasure to be his,

Before the Plaintiff his own title shows,

Or whence it came into his father’s tomb.

Henceforward, let him not deceive himself,

Or cry,“I’msafe, he can say naught of me.”

I charge him that he err not, and forbear

To urge me farther; for I’ve more, much more,

Which now shall be o’erlook’d, but shall be known,

If he pursue his slanders, as before.

Soon as this play, the Eunuch of Menander,

Which we are now preparing to perform,

Was purchas’d by the Ædiles, he obtain’d

Leave to examine it: and afterward

When ’twas rehears’d before the Magistrates,

“A Thief,” he cried, “no Poet gives this piece.

Yet has he not deceived us: for we know,

The Colax is an ancient comedy

Of Nævius, and of Plautus; and from thence

The Parasite and Soldier both are stolen.”

If that’s the Poet’s crime, it is a crime

Of ignorance, and not a studied theft.

Judge for yourselves! the fact is even thus.

The Colax is a fable of Menander’s;

Wherein is drawn the character of Colax

The parasite, and the vain-glorious soldier;

Which characters, he scruples not to own,

He to his Eunuch from the Greek transferr’d:

But that he knew those pieces were before

Made Latin, that he steadfastly denies.

Yet if to other Poets ’tis not lawful

To draw the characters our fathers drew,

How can it then be lawful to exhibit

Slaves running to and fro; to represent

Good matrons, wanton harlots; or to show

An eating parasite, vain-glorious soldier,

Supposititious children, bubbled dotards,

Or love, or hate, or jealousy?—In short,

Nothing’s said now but has been said before.

Weigh then these things with candor, and forgive

The Moderns, if what Ancients did, they do.

Attend, and list in silence to our play,

That ye may know what ’tis the Eunuch means.

EnterPhædriaandParmeno.

Phæd.And what then shall I do? not go? not now?When she herself invites me? or were’t bestFashion my mind no longer to endureThese harlots’ impudence?—Shut out! recall’d!Shall I return? No, not if she implore me.Par.Oh brave! oh excellent! if you maintain it!But if you try, and can’t go through with spirit,And finding you can’t bear it, uninvited,Your peace unmade, all of your own accord,You come and swear you love, and can’t endure it,Good-night! all’s over! ruin’d and undoneShe’ll jilt you, when she sees you in her pow’r.Phæd.You then, in time consider and advise!Par.Master! the thing which hath not in itselfOr measure or advice, advice can’t rule.In love are all these ills: suspicions, quarrels,Wrongs, reconcilements, war, and peace again:Things thus uncertain, if by reason’s rulesYou’d certain make, it were as wise a taskTo try with reason to run mad. And nowWhat you in anger meditate—I her?That him?—that me? that would not—pardon me!I would die rather: No! she shall perceiveHow much I am a man.—Big words like these,She in good faith with one false tiny drop,Which, after grievous rubbing, from her eyesCan scarce perforce be squeez’d, shall overcome.Nay, she shall swear, ’twas you in fault, not she;You too shall own th’ offense, and pray for pardon.Phæd.Oh monstrous! monstrous! now indeed I seeHow false she is, and what a wretch I am!Spite of myself I love; and knowing, feeling,With open eyes run on to my destruction;And what to do I know not.Par.What to do?What should you do, Sir, but redeem yourselfAs cheaply as you can?—at easy ratesIf possible—if not—at any rate——And never vex yourself.Phæd.Is that your counsel?Par.Aye, if you’re wise; and do not add to loveMore troubles than it has, and those it hasBear bravely! But she comes, our ruin comes;For she, like storms of hail on fields of corn,Beats down our hopes, and carries all before her.

Phæd.And what then shall I do? not go? not now?

When she herself invites me? or were’t best

Fashion my mind no longer to endure

These harlots’ impudence?—Shut out! recall’d!

Shall I return? No, not if she implore me.

Par.Oh brave! oh excellent! if you maintain it!

But if you try, and can’t go through with spirit,

And finding you can’t bear it, uninvited,

Your peace unmade, all of your own accord,

You come and swear you love, and can’t endure it,

Good-night! all’s over! ruin’d and undone

She’ll jilt you, when she sees you in her pow’r.

Phæd.You then, in time consider and advise!

Par.Master! the thing which hath not in itself

Or measure or advice, advice can’t rule.

In love are all these ills: suspicions, quarrels,

Wrongs, reconcilements, war, and peace again:

Things thus uncertain, if by reason’s rules

You’d certain make, it were as wise a task

To try with reason to run mad. And now

What you in anger meditate—I her?

That him?—that me? that would not—pardon me!

I would die rather: No! she shall perceive

How much I am a man.—Big words like these,

She in good faith with one false tiny drop,

Which, after grievous rubbing, from her eyes

Can scarce perforce be squeez’d, shall overcome.

Nay, she shall swear, ’twas you in fault, not she;

You too shall own th’ offense, and pray for pardon.

Phæd.Oh monstrous! monstrous! now indeed I see

How false she is, and what a wretch I am!

Spite of myself I love; and knowing, feeling,

With open eyes run on to my destruction;

And what to do I know not.

Par.What to do?

What should you do, Sir, but redeem yourself

As cheaply as you can?—at easy rates

If possible—if not—at any rate——

And never vex yourself.

Phæd.Is that your counsel?

Par.Aye, if you’re wise; and do not add to love

More troubles than it has, and those it has

Bear bravely! But she comes, our ruin comes;

For she, like storms of hail on fields of corn,

Beats down our hopes, and carries all before her.

EnterThais.

Thais.Ah me! I fear lest Phædria take offenseAnd think I meant it other than I did,That he was not admitted yesterday. (To herself, not seeing them.)Phæd.I tremble, Parmeno, and freeze with horror.Par.Be of good cheer! approach yon fire—she’ll warm you.Thais.Who’s there? my Phædria? Why did you stand here?Why not directly enter?Par.Not one wordOf having shut him out!Thais.Why don’t you speak?Phæd.Because, forsooth, these doors will always flyOpen to me, or that because I standThe first in your good graces. (Ironically.)Thais.Nay, no more!Phæd.No more?—O Thais, Thais, would to HeavenOur loves were parallel, that things like theseMight torture you, as this has tortur’d me:Or that your actions were indifferent to me!Thais.Grieve not, I beg, my love, my Phædria!Not that I lov’d another more, I did this.But I by circumstance was forc’d to do it.Par.So then, it seems, for very love, poor soul,You shut the door in ’s teeth.Thais.Ah Parmeno!Is’t thus you deal with me? Go to!—But hearWhy I did call you hither?Phæd.Be it so.Thais.But tell me first, can yon slave hold his peace?Pam.I? oh most faithfully: But hark ye, madam!On this condition do I bind my faith:The truths I hear, I will conceal; but falsehood,Fiction, or gross pretence, shall out at once.The truths I hear, I will conceal; whate’erIs false, or vain, or feign’d, I’ll publish it.I’m full of chinks, and run through here and there:So if you claim my secrecy, speak truth.Thais.My mother was a Samian, liv’d at Rhodes.Par.This sleeps in silence. (Archly.)Thais.There a certain merchantMade her a present of a little girl,Stol’n hence from Attica.Phæd.A citizen?Thais.I think so, but we can not tell for certain.Her father’s and her mother’s name she toldHerself; her country and the other marksOf her original, she neither knew,Nor, from her age, was ’t possible she should.The merchant added further, that the pirates,Of whom he bought her, let him understand,She had been stol’n from Sunium. My motherGave her an education, brought her upIn all respects as she had been her own;And she in gen’ral was suppos’d my sister.I journeyed hither with the gentlemanTo whom alone I was connected then,The same who left me all I have.Par.These articlesAre both rank falsehoods, and shall out.Par.Both theseAre false, and shall go forth at large.Thais.Why so?Par.Because nor you with one could be content,Nor he alone enrich’d you; for my masterMade good and large addition.Thais.I allow it,But let me hasten to the point I wish:Meantime the captain, who was then but youngIn his attachment to me, went to Caria.I, in his absence, was address’d by you;Since when, full well you know, how very dearI’ve held you, and have trusted you with allMy nearest counsels.Phæd.And yet ParmenoWill not be silent even here.Par.Oh, Sir,Is that a doubt?Thais.Nay, prithee now, attend!My mother’s lately dead at Rhodes: her brother,Too much intent on wealth, no sooner sawThis virgin, handsome, well-accomplish’d, skill’dIn music, than, spurr’d on by hopes of gain,In public market he expos’d and sold her.It so fell out, my soldier-spark was there,And bought her, all unknowing these events,To give to me: but soon as he return’d,And found how much I was attach’d to you,He feign’d excuses to keep back the girl;Pretending, were he thoroughly convinc’dThat I would still prefer him to yourself,Nor fear’d that when I had receiv’d the girl,I would abandon him, he’d give her to me;But that he doubted. For my part, I thinkHe is grown fond of her himself.Phæd.Is thereAught more between them?Thais.No; for I’ve inquir’d,And now, my Phædria, there are sundry causesWherefore I wish to win the virgin from him.First, for she’s call’d my sister; and moreover,That I to her relations may restore her.I’m a lone woman, have nor friend, nor kin:Wherefore, my Phædria, I would raise up friendsBy some good turn:—And you, I prithee now,Help me to do it. Let him some few daysBe my gallant in chief. What! no reply?Phæd.Abandon’d woman! Can I aught replyTo deeds like these?Par.Oh excellent! well said!He feels at length; Now, master, you’re a man.Phæd.I saw your story’s drift.—“A little girlStol’n hence—My mother brought her up—was call’dMy sister—I would fain obtain her from him,That I to her relations might restore her——”All this preamble comes at last to this.I am excluded, he’s admitted. Why?But that you love him more than me, and fearLest this young captive win your hero from you.Thais.Do I fear that?Phæd.Why, prithee now, what else?Does he bring gifts alone? didst e’er perceiveMy bounty shut against you? Did I not,Because you told me you’d be glad to haveAn Ethiopian servant-maid, all elseOmitted, seek one out? You said besides,You wish’d to have an Eunuch, ’cause forsooth,They were for dames of quality; I found one:For both I yesterday paid twentyminæ,Yet you contemn me—I forgot not these,And for these I’m despis’d.Thais.Why this, my Phædria?Though I would fain obtain the girl, and thoughI think by these means it might well be done;Yet, rather than make you my enemy,I’ll do as you command.Phæd.Oh, had you saidThose words sincerely. “Rather than make youMy enemy!”—Oh, could I think those wordsCame from your heart, what is ’t I’d not endure!Par.Gone! conquer’d with one word! alas, how soon!Thais.Not speak sincerely? from my very soul?What did you ever ask, although in sport,But you obtain’d it of me? yet I can’tPrevail on you to grant but two short days.Phæd.Well—for two days—so those two be not twenty.Thais.No in good faith but two, or——Phæd.Or? no more.Thais.It shall not be: but you will grant me those.Phæd.Your will must be a law.Thais.Thanks, my sweet Phædria!Phæd.I’ll to the country: there consume myselfFor these two days: it must be so: we mustGive way to Thais. See you, Parmeno,The slaves brought hither.Par.Sir, I will.Phæd.My Thais,For these two days farewell!Thais.Farewell, my Phædria!Would you aught else with me?Phæd.Aught else, my Thais?Be with yon soldier present, as if absent:All night and day love me: still long for me:Dream, ponder still of me; wish, hope for me:Delight in me; be all in all with me;Give your whole heart, for mine’s all yours, to me.Exeunt.

Thais.Ah me! I fear lest Phædria take offense

And think I meant it other than I did,

That he was not admitted yesterday. (To herself, not seeing them.)

Phæd.I tremble, Parmeno, and freeze with horror.

Par.Be of good cheer! approach yon fire—she’ll warm you.

Thais.Who’s there? my Phædria? Why did you stand here?

Why not directly enter?

Par.Not one word

Of having shut him out!

Thais.Why don’t you speak?

Phæd.Because, forsooth, these doors will always fly

Open to me, or that because I stand

The first in your good graces. (Ironically.)

Thais.Nay, no more!

Phæd.No more?—O Thais, Thais, would to Heaven

Our loves were parallel, that things like these

Might torture you, as this has tortur’d me:

Or that your actions were indifferent to me!

Thais.Grieve not, I beg, my love, my Phædria!

Not that I lov’d another more, I did this.

But I by circumstance was forc’d to do it.

Par.So then, it seems, for very love, poor soul,

You shut the door in ’s teeth.

Thais.Ah Parmeno!

Is’t thus you deal with me? Go to!—But hear

Why I did call you hither?

Phæd.Be it so.

Thais.But tell me first, can yon slave hold his peace?

Pam.I? oh most faithfully: But hark ye, madam!On this condition do I bind my faith:The truths I hear, I will conceal; but falsehood,Fiction, or gross pretence, shall out at once.The truths I hear, I will conceal; whate’erIs false, or vain, or feign’d, I’ll publish it.I’m full of chinks, and run through here and there:So if you claim my secrecy, speak truth.

Pam.I? oh most faithfully: But hark ye, madam!

On this condition do I bind my faith:

The truths I hear, I will conceal; but falsehood,Fiction, or gross pretence, shall out at once.

The truths I hear, I will conceal; but falsehood,

Fiction, or gross pretence, shall out at once.

The truths I hear, I will conceal; whate’er

Is false, or vain, or feign’d, I’ll publish it.

I’m full of chinks, and run through here and there:

So if you claim my secrecy, speak truth.

Thais.My mother was a Samian, liv’d at Rhodes.

Par.This sleeps in silence. (Archly.)

Thais.There a certain merchant

Made her a present of a little girl,

Stol’n hence from Attica.

Phæd.A citizen?

Thais.I think so, but we can not tell for certain.

Her father’s and her mother’s name she told

Herself; her country and the other marks

Of her original, she neither knew,

Nor, from her age, was ’t possible she should.

The merchant added further, that the pirates,

Of whom he bought her, let him understand,

She had been stol’n from Sunium. My mother

Gave her an education, brought her upIn all respects as she had been her own;And she in gen’ral was suppos’d my sister.I journeyed hither with the gentlemanTo whom alone I was connected then,The same who left me all I have.Par.These articlesAre both rank falsehoods, and shall out.Par.Both theseAre false, and shall go forth at large.Thais.Why so?

Gave her an education, brought her up

In all respects as she had been her own;

And she in gen’ral was suppos’d my sister.

I journeyed hither with the gentleman

To whom alone I was connected then,

The same who left me all I have.

Par.These articlesAre both rank falsehoods, and shall out.

Par.These articles

Are both rank falsehoods, and shall out.

Par.Both these

Are false, and shall go forth at large.

Thais.Why so?

Par.Because nor you with one could be content,

Nor he alone enrich’d you; for my master

Made good and large addition.

Thais.I allow it,

But let me hasten to the point I wish:

Meantime the captain, who was then but young

In his attachment to me, went to Caria.

I, in his absence, was address’d by you;

Since when, full well you know, how very dear

I’ve held you, and have trusted you with all

My nearest counsels.

Phæd.And yet Parmeno

Will not be silent even here.

Par.Oh, Sir,

Is that a doubt?

Thais.Nay, prithee now, attend!

My mother’s lately dead at Rhodes: her brother,

Too much intent on wealth, no sooner saw

This virgin, handsome, well-accomplish’d, skill’d

In music, than, spurr’d on by hopes of gain,

In public market he expos’d and sold her.

It so fell out, my soldier-spark was there,

And bought her, all unknowing these events,

To give to me: but soon as he return’d,

And found how much I was attach’d to you,

He feign’d excuses to keep back the girl;

Pretending, were he thoroughly convinc’d

That I would still prefer him to yourself,

Nor fear’d that when I had receiv’d the girl,

I would abandon him, he’d give her to me;

But that he doubted. For my part, I think

He is grown fond of her himself.

Phæd.Is there

Aught more between them?

Thais.No; for I’ve inquir’d,

And now, my Phædria, there are sundry causes

Wherefore I wish to win the virgin from him.

First, for she’s call’d my sister; and moreover,

That I to her relations may restore her.

I’m a lone woman, have nor friend, nor kin:

Wherefore, my Phædria, I would raise up friends

By some good turn:—And you, I prithee now,

Help me to do it. Let him some few days

Be my gallant in chief. What! no reply?

Phæd.Abandon’d woman! Can I aught reply

To deeds like these?

Par.Oh excellent! well said!

He feels at length; Now, master, you’re a man.

Phæd.I saw your story’s drift.—“A little girl

Stol’n hence—My mother brought her up—was call’d

My sister—I would fain obtain her from him,

That I to her relations might restore her——”

All this preamble comes at last to this.

I am excluded, he’s admitted. Why?

But that you love him more than me, and fear

Lest this young captive win your hero from you.

Thais.Do I fear that?

Phæd.Why, prithee now, what else?

Does he bring gifts alone? didst e’er perceive

My bounty shut against you? Did I not,

Because you told me you’d be glad to have

An Ethiopian servant-maid, all else

Omitted, seek one out? You said besides,

You wish’d to have an Eunuch, ’cause forsooth,

They were for dames of quality; I found one:

For both I yesterday paid twentyminæ,

Yet you contemn me—I forgot not these,

And for these I’m despis’d.

Thais.Why this, my Phædria?

Though I would fain obtain the girl, and though

I think by these means it might well be done;

Yet, rather than make you my enemy,

I’ll do as you command.

Phæd.Oh, had you said

Those words sincerely. “Rather than make you

My enemy!”—Oh, could I think those words

Came from your heart, what is ’t I’d not endure!

Par.Gone! conquer’d with one word! alas, how soon!

Thais.Not speak sincerely? from my very soul?

What did you ever ask, although in sport,

But you obtain’d it of me? yet I can’t

Prevail on you to grant but two short days.

Phæd.Well—for two days—so those two be not twenty.

Thais.No in good faith but two, or——

Phæd.Or? no more.

Thais.It shall not be: but you will grant me those.

Phæd.Your will must be a law.

Thais.Thanks, my sweet Phædria!

Phæd.I’ll to the country: there consume myself

For these two days: it must be so: we must

Give way to Thais. See you, Parmeno,

The slaves brought hither.

Par.Sir, I will.

Phæd.My Thais,

For these two days farewell!

Thais.Farewell, my Phædria!

Would you aught else with me?

Phæd.Aught else, my Thais?

Be with yon soldier present, as if absent:

All night and day love me: still long for me:

Dream, ponder still of me; wish, hope for me:

Delight in me; be all in all with me;

Give your whole heart, for mine’s all yours, to me.

Exeunt.

ManetThais.

Ah me! I fear that he believes me not,And judges of my heart from those of others.I in my conscience know, that nothing falseI have deliver’d, nor to my true heartIs any dearer than this Phædria:And whatsoe’er in this affair I’ve done,For the girl’s sake I’ve done: for I’m in hopesI know her brother, a right noble youth.To-day I wait him, by his own appointment;Wherefore I’ll in, and tarry for his coming.

Ah me! I fear that he believes me not,

And judges of my heart from those of others.

I in my conscience know, that nothing false

I have deliver’d, nor to my true heart

Is any dearer than this Phædria:

And whatsoe’er in this affair I’ve done,

For the girl’s sake I’ve done: for I’m in hopes

I know her brother, a right noble youth.

To-day I wait him, by his own appointment;

Wherefore I’ll in, and tarry for his coming.

Phædria,Parmeno.

Phædria.Carry the slaves according to my order.Par.I will.Phæd.But diligently.Par.Sir, I will.Phæd.But soon.Par.I will, Sir!Phæd.Say, is it sufficient?Par.Ah! what a question’s that? as if it wereSo difficult! I wish, Sir Phædria,You could gain aught so easy, as lose these.Phæd.I lose, what’s dearer yet, my comfort with them.Repine not at my gifts.Par.Not I: moreoverI will convey them straight. But have you anyOther commands?Phæd.Oh yes: set off our presentsWith words as handsome as you can: and drive,As much as possible, that rival from her!Par.Ah, Sir, I should, of course, remember that.Phæd.I’ll to the country, and stay there.Par.O, aye! (Ironically.)Phæd.But hark you!Par.Sir, your pleasure?Phæd.Do you thinkI can with constancy hold out, and notReturn before my time?Par.Hold out? Not you.Either you’ll straight return, or want of sleepWill drive you forth at midnight.Phæd.I will toil;Either you’ll straight return, or soon at nightYour dreams will drive you out o’ doors.Phæd.I’ll toil;That, weary, I may sleep against my will.Par.Weary you may be; but you’ll never sleep.Phæd.Ah, Parmeno, you wrong me. I’ll cast outThis treacherous softness from my soul, nor thusIndulge my passions. Yes, I could remain,If need, without her even three whole days.Par.Hui! three whole livelong days! consider, Sir.Phæd.I am resolved.Parmenoalone.Heav’ns, what a strange disease is this! that loveShould so change men, that one can hardly swearThey are the same!—No mortal liv’dLess weak, more grave, more temperate than he.—But who comes yonder?—Gnatho, as I live;The Captain’s parasite! and brings alongThe Virgin for a present: oh rare wench!How beautiful! I shall come off, I doubt,But scurvily with my decrepit Eunuch.This Girl surpasses ev’n Thais herself.

Phædria.Carry the slaves according to my order.

Par.I will.

Phæd.But diligently.

Par.Sir, I will.

Phæd.But soon.

Par.I will, Sir!

Phæd.Say, is it sufficient?

Par.Ah! what a question’s that? as if it were

So difficult! I wish, Sir Phædria,

You could gain aught so easy, as lose these.

Phæd.I lose, what’s dearer yet, my comfort with them.

Repine not at my gifts.

Par.Not I: moreover

I will convey them straight. But have you any

Other commands?

Phæd.Oh yes: set off our presents

With words as handsome as you can: and drive,

As much as possible, that rival from her!

Par.Ah, Sir, I should, of course, remember that.

Phæd.I’ll to the country, and stay there.

Par.O, aye! (Ironically.)

Phæd.But hark you!

Par.Sir, your pleasure?

Phæd.Do you think

I can with constancy hold out, and not

Return before my time?

Par.Hold out? Not you.Either you’ll straight return, or want of sleepWill drive you forth at midnight.Phæd.I will toil;Either you’ll straight return, or soon at nightYour dreams will drive you out o’ doors.Phæd.I’ll toil;That, weary, I may sleep against my will.

Par.Hold out? Not you.

Either you’ll straight return, or want of sleepWill drive you forth at midnight.Phæd.I will toil;

Either you’ll straight return, or want of sleep

Will drive you forth at midnight.

Phæd.I will toil;

Either you’ll straight return, or soon at night

Your dreams will drive you out o’ doors.

Phæd.I’ll toil;

That, weary, I may sleep against my will.

Par.Weary you may be; but you’ll never sleep.

Phæd.Ah, Parmeno, you wrong me. I’ll cast out

This treacherous softness from my soul, nor thus

Indulge my passions. Yes, I could remain,

If need, without her even three whole days.

Par.Hui! three whole livelong days! consider, Sir.

Phæd.I am resolved.

Parmenoalone.

Heav’ns, what a strange disease is this! that love

Should so change men, that one can hardly swear

They are the same!—No mortal liv’d

Less weak, more grave, more temperate than he.

—But who comes yonder?—Gnatho, as I live;

The Captain’s parasite! and brings along

The Virgin for a present: oh rare wench!

How beautiful! I shall come off, I doubt,

But scurvily with my decrepit Eunuch.

This Girl surpasses ev’n Thais herself.

EnterGnatholeadingPamphila;Parmenobehind.

Gnat.Good Heav’ns! how much one man excels another!What diff’rence ’twixt a wise man and a fool!What just now happen’d proves it: coming hitherI met with an old countryman, a manOf my own place and order, like myself,No scurvy fellow, who, like me, had spentIn mirth and jollity his whole estate.Seeing him in a wretched trim; his looksHe was in a most wretched trim; his looksLean, sick, and dirty; and his clothes all rags.“Hownow!” cried I, “what means this figure, friend?Alas! says he, my patrimony’s gone.—Ah, how am I reduc’d! my old acquaintanceAnd friends all shun me.”—Hearing this, how cheapI held him in comparison with me!“Why, how now? wretch, said I, most idle wretch!Have you spent all, nor left ev’n hope behind?What! have you lost your sense with your estate?Me!—look on me—come from the same condition!How sleek! how neat! how clad! in what good case!I’ve ev’ry thing, though nothing; naught possess,Yet naught I ever want.”—“Ah, Sir, but IHave an unhappy temper, and can’t bearTo be the butt of others, or to takeA beating now and then.”—“How then! d’ye thinkThose are the means of thriving? No, my friend!Such formerly indeed might drive a trade:Butmine’sa new profession; I the firstThat ever struck into this road. There areA kind of men, who wish to be the headOf ev’ry thing; but are not. These I follow;Not for their sport and laughter, but for gainTo laugh with them, and wonder at their parts:Whate’er they say, I praise it; if againThey contradict, I praise that too: does anyDeny? I too deny: affirm? I tooAffirm: and in a word, I’ve brought myselfTo say, unsay, swear, and forswear, at pleasure:And that is now the best of all professions.”Par.A special fellow this! who drives fools mad.Gnat.Deep in this conversation, we at lengthCome to the market, where the sev’ral tradesmen,Butchers, cooks, grocers, poult’rers, fishmongers,(Who, while my means were ample, profited,And, tho’ now wasted, profit by me still,)(Who once did profit and still profit by me,)All run with joy to me, salute, invite,And bid me welcome. He, poor half-starv’d wretch,Soon as he saw me thus caress’d, and foundI got my bread so easily, desiredHe might have leave to learn that art of me.I bade him follow me, if possible:And, as the Schools of the PhilosophersHave ta’en from the Philosophers their names,So, in like manner, let all ParasitesBe call’d from me Gnathonics!Par.Mark, what ease,And being kept at other’s cost, produces!Gnat.But hold, I must convey this girl to Thais,And bid her forth to sup.—Ha, Parmeno!Our rival’s slave, standing at Thais’ door!—How melancholy he appears! All’s safe:These poor rogues find but a cold welcome here.I’ll play upon this knave. (Aside.)Par.These fellows thinkThis present will make Thais all their own. (Aside.)Gnat.To Parmeno, his lov’d and honor’d friend,Gnatho sends greeting. (Ironically.)—What are you upon?Par.My legs.Gnat.I see it.—Is there nothing hereDispleasing to you?Par.You.Gnat.I do believe it.But prithee, is there nothing else?Par.Wherefore?Gnat.Because you’re melancholy.Par.Not at all.Gnat.Well, do not be so!—Pray, now, what d’ye thinkOf this young handmaid?Par.Troth, she’s not amiss.Gnat.I plague the rascal. (Half aside.)Par.How the knave’s deceiv’d! (Half aside.)Gnat.Will not this gift be very acceptableTo Thais, think you?Par.You’d insinuateThat we’re shut out.—There is, alas, a changeIn all things.Gnat.For these six months, Parmeno,For six whole months at least, I’ll make you easy;You sha’n’t run up and down, and watch till daylight;Come, don’t I make you happy?Par.Very happy.Gnat.’Tis my way with my friends.Par.You’re very good.Gnat.But I detain you: you, perhaps, was goingSomewhere else.Par.Nowhere.Gnat.May I beg you thenTo use your int’rest here, and introduce meTo Thais?Par.Hence! away! these doorsFly open now, because you carry her.Gnat.Would you have any one call’d forth?Exit.Par.Well, well!Pass but two days; and you, so welcome now,That the doors open with your little finger,Shall kick against them then, I warrant you,Till your heels ache again.Re-enterGnatho.Gnat.Ha! Parmeno!Are you here still? What! are you left a spy,Lest any go-between should run by stealthTo Thais from the Captain?Exit.Par.Very smart!No wonder such a wit delights the Captain!But hold! I see my master’s younger sonComing this way. I wonder much he shouldDesert Piræus, where he’s now on guard.’Tis not for nothing. All in haste he comes,And seems to look about.

Gnat.Good Heav’ns! how much one man excels another!What diff’rence ’twixt a wise man and a fool!What just now happen’d proves it: coming hitherI met with an old countryman, a manOf my own place and order, like myself,No scurvy fellow, who, like me, had spentIn mirth and jollity his whole estate.Seeing him in a wretched trim; his looksHe was in a most wretched trim; his looksLean, sick, and dirty; and his clothes all rags.“Hownow!” cried I, “what means this figure, friend?Alas! says he, my patrimony’s gone.

Gnat.Good Heav’ns! how much one man excels another!

What diff’rence ’twixt a wise man and a fool!

What just now happen’d proves it: coming hither

I met with an old countryman, a man

Of my own place and order, like myself,

No scurvy fellow, who, like me, had spent

In mirth and jollity his whole estate.

Seeing him in a wretched trim; his looks

He was in a most wretched trim; his looks

Lean, sick, and dirty; and his clothes all rags.

“Hownow!” cried I, “what means this figure, friend?

Alas! says he, my patrimony’s gone.

—Ah, how am I reduc’d! my old acquaintance

And friends all shun me.”—Hearing this, how cheap

I held him in comparison with me!

“Why, how now? wretch, said I, most idle wretch!

Have you spent all, nor left ev’n hope behind?

What! have you lost your sense with your estate?

Me!—look on me—come from the same condition!

How sleek! how neat! how clad! in what good case!

I’ve ev’ry thing, though nothing; naught possess,

Yet naught I ever want.”—“Ah, Sir, but I

Have an unhappy temper, and can’t bear

To be the butt of others, or to take

A beating now and then.”—“How then! d’ye think

Those are the means of thriving? No, my friend!

Such formerly indeed might drive a trade:

Butmine’sa new profession; I the first

That ever struck into this road. There are

A kind of men, who wish to be the head

Of ev’ry thing; but are not. These I follow;

Not for their sport and laughter, but for gain

To laugh with them, and wonder at their parts:

Whate’er they say, I praise it; if again

They contradict, I praise that too: does any

Deny? I too deny: affirm? I too

Affirm: and in a word, I’ve brought myself

To say, unsay, swear, and forswear, at pleasure:

And that is now the best of all professions.”

Par.A special fellow this! who drives fools mad.

Gnat.Deep in this conversation, we at lengthCome to the market, where the sev’ral tradesmen,Butchers, cooks, grocers, poult’rers, fishmongers,(Who, while my means were ample, profited,And, tho’ now wasted, profit by me still,)(Who once did profit and still profit by me,)All run with joy to me, salute, invite,And bid me welcome. He, poor half-starv’d wretch,Soon as he saw me thus caress’d, and foundI got my bread so easily, desiredHe might have leave to learn that art of me.I bade him follow me, if possible:And, as the Schools of the PhilosophersHave ta’en from the Philosophers their names,So, in like manner, let all ParasitesBe call’d from me Gnathonics!

Gnat.Deep in this conversation, we at length

Come to the market, where the sev’ral tradesmen,

Butchers, cooks, grocers, poult’rers, fishmongers,

(Who, while my means were ample, profited,And, tho’ now wasted, profit by me still,)

(Who, while my means were ample, profited,

And, tho’ now wasted, profit by me still,)

(Who once did profit and still profit by me,)

All run with joy to me, salute, invite,

And bid me welcome. He, poor half-starv’d wretch,

Soon as he saw me thus caress’d, and found

I got my bread so easily, desired

He might have leave to learn that art of me.

I bade him follow me, if possible:

And, as the Schools of the Philosophers

Have ta’en from the Philosophers their names,

So, in like manner, let all Parasites

Be call’d from me Gnathonics!

Par.Mark, what ease,

And being kept at other’s cost, produces!

Gnat.But hold, I must convey this girl to Thais,

And bid her forth to sup.—Ha, Parmeno!

Our rival’s slave, standing at Thais’ door!

—How melancholy he appears! All’s safe:

These poor rogues find but a cold welcome here.

I’ll play upon this knave. (Aside.)

Par.These fellows think

This present will make Thais all their own. (Aside.)

Gnat.To Parmeno, his lov’d and honor’d friend,

Gnatho sends greeting. (Ironically.)—What are you upon?

Par.My legs.

Gnat.I see it.—Is there nothing here

Displeasing to you?

Par.You.

Gnat.I do believe it.

But prithee, is there nothing else?

Par.Wherefore?

Gnat.Because you’re melancholy.

Par.Not at all.

Gnat.Well, do not be so!—Pray, now, what d’ye think

Of this young handmaid?

Par.Troth, she’s not amiss.

Gnat.I plague the rascal. (Half aside.)

Par.How the knave’s deceiv’d! (Half aside.)

Gnat.Will not this gift be very acceptable

To Thais, think you?

Par.You’d insinuate

That we’re shut out.—There is, alas, a change

In all things.

Gnat.For these six months, Parmeno,

For six whole months at least, I’ll make you easy;

You sha’n’t run up and down, and watch till daylight;

Come, don’t I make you happy?

Par.Very happy.

Gnat.’Tis my way with my friends.

Par.You’re very good.

Gnat.But I detain you: you, perhaps, was going

Somewhere else.

Par.Nowhere.

Gnat.May I beg you then

To use your int’rest here, and introduce me

To Thais?

Par.Hence! away! these doors

Fly open now, because you carry her.

Gnat.Would you have any one call’d forth?

Exit.

Par.Well, well!

Pass but two days; and you, so welcome now,

That the doors open with your little finger,

Shall kick against them then, I warrant you,

Till your heels ache again.

Re-enterGnatho.

Gnat.Ha! Parmeno!

Are you here still? What! are you left a spy,

Lest any go-between should run by stealth

To Thais from the Captain?

Exit.

Par.Very smart!

No wonder such a wit delights the Captain!

But hold! I see my master’s younger son

Coming this way. I wonder much he should

Desert Piræus, where he’s now on guard.

’Tis not for nothing. All in haste he comes,

And seems to look about.

EnterChærea;Parmenobehind.Chær.Undone! undone!The Girl is lost; I know not where she is,Nor where I am: ah, whither shall I trace?Where seek? of whom inquire? or which way turn?I’m all uncertain; but have one hope still:Where’er she is, she can not long lie hid.Oh charming face! all others from my memoryHence I blot out. Away with common beauties!Par.So, here’s the other! and he mutters tooI know not what of love. Oh what a poorUnfortunate old man their father is!As for this stripling, if he once begin,His brother’s is but jest and children’s playTo his mad fury.Chær.Twice ten thousand cursesSeize the old wretch, who kept me back to-day;And me for staying! with a fellow tooI did not care a farthing for!—But see!Yonder stands Parmeno.—Good-day!Par.How now?Wherefore so sad? and why this hurry, Chærea?Whence come you?Chær.I? I can not tell, i’faith,Whence I am come, or whither I am going,I’ve so entirely lost myself.Par.And why?Chær.I am in love.Par.Oh brave!Chær.Now, Parmeno,Now you may show what kind of man you are.You know you’ve often told me;“Chærea,Find something out to set your heart upon,And mark how I will serve you!” yes, you knowYou’ve often said so, when I scrap’d togetherAll the provisions for you at my father’s.Par.Away, you trifler!Chær.Nay, in faith, it’s true:Now make your promise good! and in a causeWorthy the utmost reachings of your soul:A girl! my Parmeno, not like our misses;Whose mothers try to keep their shoulders down,And bind their bosoms, that their shapes may seemGenteel and slim. Is a girl rather plump?They call her nurse, and stint her in her food:Thus art, in spits of nature, makes them allMere bulrushes: and therefore they’re belov’d.Par.And what’s this girl of yours?Chær.A miracle.Par.Oh, to be sure!Chær.True, natural red and white;Her body firm, and full of precious stuff!Par.Her age?Chær.About sixteen.Par.The very prime!Chær.This girl, by force, by stealth, or by entreaty,Procure me! how I care not, so I have her.Par.Well, whom does she belong to?Chær.I don’t know.Par.Whence comes she?Chær.I can’t tell.Par.Where does she live?Chær.I can’t tell neither.Par.Where was it you saw her?Chær.Here in the street.Par.And how was it you lost her?Chær.Why it was that, which I so fumed about,As I came hither! nor was ever manSo jilted by good fortune as myself.Par.What mischief now?Chær.Confounded luck.Par.How so?Chær.How so! d’ye know one Archidemides,My father’s kinsman, and about his age?Par.Full well.Chær.As I was in pursuit of herHe met me.Par.Rather inconveniently.Chær.Oh most unhappily! for lighter illsMay pass for inconvenient, Parmeno.Nay, I could swear, with a safe conscience too,Chær.Oh most unhappily! for other illsMay be told, Parmeno!—I could swear too,For six, nay seven months, I had not seen him,Till now, when least I wish’d and most would shun it.Is not this monstrous? Eh!Par.Oh! very monstrous.Chær.Soon as from far he saw me, instantly,Bent, trembling, drop-jaw’d, gasping, out of breath,He hobbled up to me.—“Holo!ho! Chærea!”——I stopp’d.—“D’ye know what I want with you?”—“What?”—“I have a cause to-morrow.”—“Well! what then?”———“Fail not to tell your father, he rememberTo go up with me, as an advocate.”——His prating took some time. “Aught else?” said I.“Nothing,” said he:—Away flew I, and sawThe girl that instant turn into this street.Par.Sure he must mean the virgin, just now broughtTo Thais for a present.Chær.When I reach’dThis place, the girl was vanish’d.Par.Had your ladyAny attendants?Chær.Soon as ICame hither, she was out of sight.Par.Had sheAny attendants?Chær.Yes; a parasite,With a maid-servant.Par.’Tis the very same;Away! have done! all’s over.Chær.What d’ye mean?Par.The girl I mean.Chær.D’ye know then who she is?Tell me!—or have you seen her?Par.Yes, I’ve seen her;I know her; and can tell you where she is.Chær.How! my dear Parmeno, d’ye know her?Par.Yes.Chær.And where she is, d’ye know?Par.Yes,—there she is; (Pointing.)Carried to Madam Thais for a present.Chær.What monarch could bestow a gift so precious?Par.The mighty Captain Thraso, Phædria’s rival.Chær.Alas, poor brother!Par.Aye, and if you knewThe gift he sends to be compar’d with this,You’d cry alas, indeed!Chær.What is his gift?Par.An Eunuch.Chær.What! that old and ugly slaveThat he bought yesterday?Par.The very same.Chær.Why, surely, he’ll be trundled out o’ doorsHe and his gift together—But till nowI never knew this Thais was our neighbour.Par.She came but lately.Chær.Ev’ry way unlucky:He and his gift together—I ne’er knewTill now that Thais was our neighbor.Par.SheHas not been long so.Chær.Ev’ry way unlucky:Ne’er to have seen her neither:—Prithee, tell me,Is she so handsome, as she’s said to be?Par.Yes, faith.Chær.But nothing to compare to mine.Par.Oh, quite another thing.Chær.But Parmeno!Contrive that I may have her.Par.Well, I will.Depend on my assistance:—have you anyFurther commands? (As if going.)Chær.Where are you going?Par.Home;To bring according to your brother’s order,The slaves to Thais.Chær.Oh, that happy Eunuch!To be convey’d into that house!Par.Why so?Chær.Why so? why, he shall have that charming girlHis fellow-servant, see her all day long,Converse with her, dwell under the same roof,And sometimes eat, and sometimes sleep by her.His fellow-servant, see her, speak with her,Be with her in the same house all day long,And sometimes eat, and sometimes sleep by her.Par.And what if you should be so happy?Chær.How?Tell me, dear Parmeno!Par.Assume his dress.Chær.His dress! what then?Par.I’ll carry you for him.Chær.I hear you.Par.I will say that you are he.Chær.I understand you.Par.So shall you enjoyThose blessings which but now you envied him:Eat with her, be with her, touch, toy with her,And sleep by her: since none of Thais’ maidsKnow you, or dream of what you are. Besides,Your figure, and your age are such, that youMay well pass for an Eunuch.Chær.Oh, well said!I ne’er heard better counsel. Come, let’s in?Dress me, and carry me! Away, make haste!Par.What are you at? I did but jest.Chær.You trifle.Par.I’m ruin’d: fool, what have I done? Nay, whitherD’ye push me thus? You’ll throw me down. Nay, stay!Chær.Away.Par.Nay, prithee!Chær.I’m resolv’d.Par.Consider;You carry this too far.Chær.No, not at all.Give way!Par.And Parmeno must pay for all.Ah, we do wrong!Chær.Is it then wrong for meTo be convey’d into a house of harlots,And turn those very arts on them, with whichThey hamper us, and turn our youth to scorn?Can it be wrong for me too, in my turn,To deceive them, by whom we’re all deceiv’d?No, rather let it be! ’tis just to playThis trick upon them: which, if gray-beards know,They’ll blame indeed, but all will think well done.Par.Well, if you must, you must; but do not then,After all’s over, throw the blame on me.Chær.No, no!Par.But do you order me?Chær.I do:Order, command, compel you; nor will e’erDeny, or disavow my putting-on.Par.Come on then: follow me!Chær.Heav’n grant success!Chær.I do:Order, command, force.Par.Oh, I’ll not disputeYour pow’r. So, follow me.Chær.Heav’n speed the plow.

EnterChærea;Parmenobehind.

Chær.Undone! undone!

The Girl is lost; I know not where she is,

Nor where I am: ah, whither shall I trace?

Where seek? of whom inquire? or which way turn?

I’m all uncertain; but have one hope still:

Where’er she is, she can not long lie hid.

Oh charming face! all others from my memory

Hence I blot out. Away with common beauties!

Par.So, here’s the other! and he mutters too

I know not what of love. Oh what a poor

Unfortunate old man their father is!

As for this stripling, if he once begin,

His brother’s is but jest and children’s play

To his mad fury.

Chær.Twice ten thousand curses

Seize the old wretch, who kept me back to-day;

And me for staying! with a fellow too

I did not care a farthing for!—But see!

Yonder stands Parmeno.—Good-day!

Par.How now?

Wherefore so sad? and why this hurry, Chærea?

Whence come you?

Chær.I? I can not tell, i’faith,

Whence I am come, or whither I am going,

I’ve so entirely lost myself.

Par.And why?

Chær.I am in love.

Par.Oh brave!

Chær.Now, Parmeno,

Now you may show what kind of man you are.

You know you’ve often told me;“Chærea,

Find something out to set your heart upon,

And mark how I will serve you!” yes, you know

You’ve often said so, when I scrap’d together

All the provisions for you at my father’s.

Par.Away, you trifler!

Chær.Nay, in faith, it’s true:

Now make your promise good! and in a cause

Worthy the utmost reachings of your soul:

A girl! my Parmeno, not like our misses;

Whose mothers try to keep their shoulders down,

And bind their bosoms, that their shapes may seem

Genteel and slim. Is a girl rather plump?

They call her nurse, and stint her in her food:

Thus art, in spits of nature, makes them all

Mere bulrushes: and therefore they’re belov’d.

Par.And what’s this girl of yours?

Chær.A miracle.

Par.Oh, to be sure!

Chær.True, natural red and white;

Her body firm, and full of precious stuff!

Par.Her age?

Chær.About sixteen.

Par.The very prime!

Chær.This girl, by force, by stealth, or by entreaty,

Procure me! how I care not, so I have her.

Par.Well, whom does she belong to?

Chær.I don’t know.

Par.Whence comes she?

Chær.I can’t tell.

Par.Where does she live?

Chær.I can’t tell neither.

Par.Where was it you saw her?

Chær.Here in the street.

Par.And how was it you lost her?

Chær.Why it was that, which I so fumed about,

As I came hither! nor was ever man

So jilted by good fortune as myself.

Par.What mischief now?

Chær.Confounded luck.

Par.How so?

Chær.How so! d’ye know one Archidemides,

My father’s kinsman, and about his age?

Par.Full well.

Chær.As I was in pursuit of her

He met me.

Par.Rather inconveniently.Chær.Oh most unhappily! for lighter illsMay pass for inconvenient, Parmeno.Nay, I could swear, with a safe conscience too,Chær.Oh most unhappily! for other illsMay be told, Parmeno!—I could swear too,For six, nay seven months, I had not seen him,Till now, when least I wish’d and most would shun it.Is not this monstrous? Eh!Par.Oh! very monstrous.

Par.Rather inconveniently.

Chær.Oh most unhappily! for lighter illsMay pass for inconvenient, Parmeno.Nay, I could swear, with a safe conscience too,

Chær.Oh most unhappily! for lighter ills

May pass for inconvenient, Parmeno.

Nay, I could swear, with a safe conscience too,

Chær.Oh most unhappily! for other ills

May be told, Parmeno!—I could swear too,

For six, nay seven months, I had not seen him,

Till now, when least I wish’d and most would shun it.

Is not this monstrous? Eh!

Par.Oh! very monstrous.

Chær.Soon as from far he saw me, instantly,

Bent, trembling, drop-jaw’d, gasping, out of breath,

He hobbled up to me.—“Holo!ho! Chærea!”——

I stopp’d.—“D’ye know what I want with you?”—“What?”

—“I have a cause to-morrow.”—“Well! what then?”——

—“Fail not to tell your father, he remember

To go up with me, as an advocate.”——

His prating took some time. “Aught else?” said I.

“Nothing,” said he:—Away flew I, and saw

The girl that instant turn into this street.

Par.Sure he must mean the virgin, just now broughtTo Thais for a present.Chær.When I reach’dThis place, the girl was vanish’d.Par.Had your ladyAny attendants?Chær.Soon as ICame hither, she was out of sight.Par.Had sheAny attendants?Chær.Yes; a parasite,With a maid-servant.

Par.Sure he must mean the virgin, just now brought

To Thais for a present.

Chær.When I reach’dThis place, the girl was vanish’d.Par.Had your ladyAny attendants?

Chær.When I reach’d

This place, the girl was vanish’d.

Par.Had your lady

Any attendants?

Chær.Soon as I

Came hither, she was out of sight.

Par.Had she

Any attendants?

Chær.Yes; a parasite,

With a maid-servant.

Par.’Tis the very same;

Away! have done! all’s over.

Chær.What d’ye mean?

Par.The girl I mean.

Chær.D’ye know then who she is?

Tell me!—or have you seen her?

Par.Yes, I’ve seen her;

I know her; and can tell you where she is.

Chær.How! my dear Parmeno, d’ye know her?

Par.Yes.

Chær.And where she is, d’ye know?

Par.Yes,—there she is; (Pointing.)

Carried to Madam Thais for a present.

Chær.What monarch could bestow a gift so precious?

Par.The mighty Captain Thraso, Phædria’s rival.

Chær.Alas, poor brother!

Par.Aye, and if you knew

The gift he sends to be compar’d with this,

You’d cry alas, indeed!

Chær.What is his gift?

Par.An Eunuch.

Chær.What! that old and ugly slave

That he bought yesterday?

Par.The very same.

Chær.Why, surely, he’ll be trundled out o’ doorsHe and his gift together—But till nowI never knew this Thais was our neighbour.Par.She came but lately.Chær.Ev’ry way unlucky:He and his gift together—I ne’er knewTill now that Thais was our neighbor.Par.SheHas not been long so.Chær.Ev’ry way unlucky:Ne’er to have seen her neither:—Prithee, tell me,Is she so handsome, as she’s said to be?

Chær.Why, surely, he’ll be trundled out o’ doors

He and his gift together—But till nowI never knew this Thais was our neighbour.Par.She came but lately.Chær.Ev’ry way unlucky:

He and his gift together—But till now

I never knew this Thais was our neighbour.

Par.She came but lately.

Chær.Ev’ry way unlucky:

He and his gift together—I ne’er knew

Till now that Thais was our neighbor.

Par.She

Has not been long so.

Chær.Ev’ry way unlucky:

Ne’er to have seen her neither:—Prithee, tell me,

Is she so handsome, as she’s said to be?

Par.Yes, faith.

Chær.But nothing to compare to mine.

Par.Oh, quite another thing.

Chær.But Parmeno!

Contrive that I may have her.

Par.Well, I will.

Depend on my assistance:—have you any

Further commands? (As if going.)

Chær.Where are you going?

Par.Home;

To bring according to your brother’s order,

The slaves to Thais.

Chær.Oh, that happy Eunuch!

To be convey’d into that house!

Par.Why so?Chær.Why so? why, he shall have that charming girlHis fellow-servant, see her all day long,Converse with her, dwell under the same roof,And sometimes eat, and sometimes sleep by her.His fellow-servant, see her, speak with her,Be with her in the same house all day long,And sometimes eat, and sometimes sleep by her.Par.And what if you should be so happy?

Par.Why so?

Chær.Why so? why, he shall have that charming girl

His fellow-servant, see her all day long,Converse with her, dwell under the same roof,And sometimes eat, and sometimes sleep by her.

His fellow-servant, see her all day long,

Converse with her, dwell under the same roof,

And sometimes eat, and sometimes sleep by her.

His fellow-servant, see her, speak with her,

Be with her in the same house all day long,

And sometimes eat, and sometimes sleep by her.

Par.And what if you should be so happy?

Chær.How?

Tell me, dear Parmeno!

Par.Assume his dress.

Chær.His dress! what then?

Par.I’ll carry you for him.

Chær.I hear you.

Par.I will say that you are he.

Chær.I understand you.

Par.So shall you enjoy

Those blessings which but now you envied him:

Eat with her, be with her, touch, toy with her,

And sleep by her: since none of Thais’ maids

Know you, or dream of what you are. Besides,

Your figure, and your age are such, that you

May well pass for an Eunuch.

Chær.Oh, well said!

I ne’er heard better counsel. Come, let’s in?

Dress me, and carry me! Away, make haste!

Par.What are you at? I did but jest.

Chær.You trifle.

Par.I’m ruin’d: fool, what have I done? Nay, whither

D’ye push me thus? You’ll throw me down. Nay, stay!

Chær.Away.

Par.Nay, prithee!

Chær.I’m resolv’d.

Par.Consider;

You carry this too far.

Chær.No, not at all.

Give way!

Par.And Parmeno must pay for all.

Ah, we do wrong!

Chær.Is it then wrong for me

To be convey’d into a house of harlots,

And turn those very arts on them, with which

They hamper us, and turn our youth to scorn?

Can it be wrong for me too, in my turn,

To deceive them, by whom we’re all deceiv’d?

No, rather let it be! ’tis just to play

This trick upon them: which, if gray-beards know,

They’ll blame indeed, but all will think well done.

Par.Well, if you must, you must; but do not then,

After all’s over, throw the blame on me.

Chær.No, no!

Par.But do you order me?

Chær.I do:Order, command, compel you; nor will e’erDeny, or disavow my putting-on.Par.Come on then: follow me!Chær.Heav’n grant success!

Chær.I do:

Order, command, compel you; nor will e’er

Deny, or disavow my putting-on.

Par.Come on then: follow me!

Chær.Heav’n grant success!

Chær.I do:

Order, command, force.

Par.Oh, I’ll not dispute

Your pow’r. So, follow me.

Chær.Heav’n speed the plow.

EnterThrasoandGnatho.

Thraso.And Thais then returns me many thanks?Gnat.Ten thousand.Thra.Say, is she delighted with it?Gnat.Not for the present’s sake so much, as thatFrom you it was presented: But thereinShe truly triumphs.Par.I’m upon the watch,To mark a proper opportunityTo bring my presents. But behold the Captain?Thra.It is, indeed, something, I know not how,Peculiar to me, do whate’er I please,It will appear agreeable.Gnat.In truthI always have observ’d it.Thra.Ev’n the KingHeld himself much obliged, whate’er I did:Not so to others.Gnat.Not so much with the gift itself, as thatBy you ’twas given: but therein she triumphs.EnterParmenobehind.Par.I’m come to look about me, and observeA proper opportunity to bringMy presents. But behold the Captain!Thra.’TisSomething, I know not how, peculiar to me,That all I do ’s agreeable.Gnat.In truthI have observ’d it.Thra.E’en the King alwaysHeld himself much obliged, whate’er I did:Not so to others.Gnat.Men of wit, like you,The glory, got by others’ care and toil,Often transfer unto themselves.Thra.You’ve hit it.Gnat.The king then held you——Thra.Certainly.Gnat.Most dear.Thra.Most near. He trusted his whole army to me,His counsels.——Gnat.Wonderful!Thra.And then whene’erSatiety of company, or hateOf business seiz’d him—when he would repose——As if——you understand me.Gnat.Perfectly.When he would—in a manner—clear his stomachOf all uneasiness.Thra.The very thing.On such occasions he chose none but me.Gnat.Hui! there’s a king indeed! a king of taste!Thra.No general man, I promise you.Gnat.Oh no!He must have been particular indeed,If he convers’d with You.Thra.One of a thousand.Gnat.Of a million sure!—If he could live with you. (Aside.)Thra.The courtiers allBegan to envy me, and rail’d in secret:I car’d not; whence their spleen increas’d the more.One in particular, who had the chargeOf th’ Indian elephants; who grew at lastSo very troublesome, “I prithee, Strato,Are you so savage, and so fierce, (says I,)Because you’re governor of the wild beasts?”Gnat.Oh, finely said! and shrewdly! excellent!Too hard upon him!—what said he to’t?Thra.Nothing.Gnat.And how the devil should he?Par.Gracious Heav’n!The stupid coxcomb!—and that rascal too! (Aside.)Thra.Aye! but the story of the Rhodian, Gnatho!How smart I was upon him at a feast——Did I ne’er tell you?Gnat.Never: but pray do!—I’ve heard it o’er and o’er a thousand times. (Aside.)Thra.We were by chance together at a feast——This Rhodian, that I told you of and I.——I, as it happen’d, had a wench: the sparkBegan to toy with her, and laugh at me.“Why how now, Impudence! (said I,) are youAhareyourself, and yet would hunt forgame?”Gnat.Ha! ha! ha!Thra.What’s the matter?Gnat.Ha! ha! ha!Witty! smart! excellent! incomparable!Is it your own? I swear I thought ’twas old.Thra.Why, did you ever hear it?Gnat.Very often;And reckon’d admirable.Thra.’Tis my own.Gnat.And yet ’twas pity to be so severeOn a young fellow, and a gentleman.Par.Ah! devil take you! (Aside.)Gnat.What became of him?Thra.It did for him. The company were allReady to die with laughing:—in a word,They dreaded me.Gnat.No wonder.Thra.Harkye, Gnatho!Thais, you know, suspects I love this girl.Shall I acquit myself?Gnat.On no account.Rather increase her jealousy.Thra.And why?Gnat.Why?—do you ask?—as if you didn’t know!——Whene’er she mentions Phædria, or whene’erShe praises him, to vex you——Thra.I perceive.Gnat.To hinder that, you’ve only this resource.When she names Phædria, name you Pamphila.If she should say,“come!let’s have PhædriaTo dinner with us!”—“aye, and PamphilaTo sing to us!”—if she praise Phædria’s person,Praise you the girl’s! so give her tit for tat,And gall her in her turn.Thra.Suppose she lov’d me,This might avail me, Gnatho!Gnat.While she lovesThe presents which you give, expecting more,So long she loves you; and so long you mayHave pow’r to vex her. She will always fearTo make you angry, lest some other reapThe harvest, which she now enjoys alone.Thra.You’re right: and yet I never thought of it.Gnat.Ridiculous! because you did not turnYour thoughts that way; or with how much more easeWould you have hit on this device yourself!

Thraso.And Thais then returns me many thanks?Gnat.Ten thousand.Thra.Say, is she delighted with it?Gnat.Not for the present’s sake so much, as thatFrom you it was presented: But thereinShe truly triumphs.Par.I’m upon the watch,To mark a proper opportunityTo bring my presents. But behold the Captain?Thra.It is, indeed, something, I know not how,Peculiar to me, do whate’er I please,It will appear agreeable.Gnat.In truthI always have observ’d it.Thra.Ev’n the KingHeld himself much obliged, whate’er I did:Not so to others.Gnat.Not so much with the gift itself, as thatBy you ’twas given: but therein she triumphs.EnterParmenobehind.Par.I’m come to look about me, and observeA proper opportunity to bringMy presents. But behold the Captain!Thra.’TisSomething, I know not how, peculiar to me,That all I do ’s agreeable.Gnat.In truthI have observ’d it.Thra.E’en the King alwaysHeld himself much obliged, whate’er I did:Not so to others.

Thraso.And Thais then returns me many thanks?

Gnat.Ten thousand.

Thra.Say, is she delighted with it?

Gnat.Not for the present’s sake so much, as thatFrom you it was presented: But thereinShe truly triumphs.Par.I’m upon the watch,To mark a proper opportunityTo bring my presents. But behold the Captain?Thra.It is, indeed, something, I know not how,Peculiar to me, do whate’er I please,It will appear agreeable.Gnat.In truthI always have observ’d it.Thra.Ev’n the KingHeld himself much obliged, whate’er I did:Not so to others.

Gnat.Not for the present’s sake so much, as that

From you it was presented: But therein

She truly triumphs.

Par.I’m upon the watch,

To mark a proper opportunity

To bring my presents. But behold the Captain?

Thra.It is, indeed, something, I know not how,

Peculiar to me, do whate’er I please,

It will appear agreeable.

Gnat.In truth

I always have observ’d it.

Thra.Ev’n the King

Held himself much obliged, whate’er I did:

Not so to others.

Gnat.Not so much with the gift itself, as that

By you ’twas given: but therein she triumphs.

EnterParmenobehind.

Par.I’m come to look about me, and observe

A proper opportunity to bring

My presents. But behold the Captain!

Thra.’Tis

Something, I know not how, peculiar to me,

That all I do ’s agreeable.

Gnat.In truth

I have observ’d it.

Thra.E’en the King always

Held himself much obliged, whate’er I did:

Not so to others.

Gnat.Men of wit, like you,

The glory, got by others’ care and toil,

Often transfer unto themselves.

Thra.You’ve hit it.

Gnat.The king then held you——

Thra.Certainly.

Gnat.Most dear.

Thra.Most near. He trusted his whole army to me,

His counsels.——

Gnat.Wonderful!

Thra.And then whene’er

Satiety of company, or hate

Of business seiz’d him—when he would repose——

As if——you understand me.

Gnat.Perfectly.

When he would—in a manner—clear his stomach

Of all uneasiness.

Thra.The very thing.On such occasions he chose none but me.Gnat.Hui! there’s a king indeed! a king of taste!Thra.No general man, I promise you.Gnat.Oh no!He must have been particular indeed,If he convers’d with You.Thra.One of a thousand.Gnat.Of a million sure!—If he could live with you. (Aside.)Thra.The courtiers allBegan to envy me, and rail’d in secret:I car’d not; whence their spleen increas’d the more.One in particular, who had the chargeOf th’ Indian elephants; who grew at lastSo very troublesome, “I prithee, Strato,Are you so savage, and so fierce, (says I,)Because you’re governor of the wild beasts?”

Thra.The very thing.

On such occasions he chose none but me.

Gnat.Hui! there’s a king indeed! a king of taste!

Thra.No general man, I promise you.Gnat.Oh no!He must have been particular indeed,If he convers’d with You.

Thra.No general man, I promise you.

Gnat.Oh no!

He must have been particular indeed,

If he convers’d with You.

Thra.One of a thousand.

Gnat.Of a million sure!

—If he could live with you. (Aside.)

Thra.The courtiers all

Began to envy me, and rail’d in secret:

I car’d not; whence their spleen increas’d the more.

One in particular, who had the charge

Of th’ Indian elephants; who grew at last

So very troublesome, “I prithee, Strato,

Are you so savage, and so fierce, (says I,)

Because you’re governor of the wild beasts?”

Gnat.Oh, finely said! and shrewdly! excellent!

Too hard upon him!—what said he to’t?

Thra.Nothing.

Gnat.And how the devil should he?

Par.Gracious Heav’n!

The stupid coxcomb!—and that rascal too! (Aside.)

Thra.Aye! but the story of the Rhodian, Gnatho!

How smart I was upon him at a feast——

Did I ne’er tell you?

Gnat.Never: but pray do!

—I’ve heard it o’er and o’er a thousand times. (Aside.)

Thra.We were by chance together at a feast——

This Rhodian, that I told you of and I.——

I, as it happen’d, had a wench: the spark

Began to toy with her, and laugh at me.

“Why how now, Impudence! (said I,) are you

Ahareyourself, and yet would hunt forgame?”

Gnat.Ha! ha! ha!

Thra.What’s the matter?

Gnat.Ha! ha! ha!

Witty! smart! excellent! incomparable!

Is it your own? I swear I thought ’twas old.

Thra.Why, did you ever hear it?

Gnat.Very often;

And reckon’d admirable.

Thra.’Tis my own.

Gnat.And yet ’twas pity to be so severe

On a young fellow, and a gentleman.

Par.Ah! devil take you! (Aside.)

Gnat.What became of him?

Thra.It did for him. The company were all

Ready to die with laughing:—in a word,

They dreaded me.

Gnat.No wonder.

Thra.Harkye, Gnatho!

Thais, you know, suspects I love this girl.

Shall I acquit myself?

Gnat.On no account.

Rather increase her jealousy.

Thra.And why?

Gnat.Why?—do you ask?—as if you didn’t know!——

Whene’er she mentions Phædria, or whene’er

She praises him, to vex you——

Thra.I perceive.

Gnat.To hinder that, you’ve only this resource.

When she names Phædria, name you Pamphila.

If she should say,“come!let’s have Phædria

To dinner with us!”—“aye, and Pamphila

To sing to us!”—if she praise Phædria’s person,

Praise you the girl’s! so give her tit for tat,

And gall her in her turn.

Thra.Suppose she lov’d me,

This might avail me, Gnatho!

Gnat.While she loves

The presents which you give, expecting more,

So long she loves you; and so long you may

Have pow’r to vex her. She will always fear

To make you angry, lest some other reap

The harvest, which she now enjoys alone.

Thra.You’re right: and yet I never thought of it.

Gnat.Ridiculous! because you did not turn

Your thoughts that way; or with how much more ease

Would you have hit on this device yourself!

EnterThaisandPythias.

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