ALL. To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block![Exeunt Pooh.and Pish.KO. This is simply appalling! I, who allowed myself to berespited at the last moment, simply in order to benefit my nativetown, am now required to die within a month, and that by a manwhom I have loaded with honours! Is this public gratitude? Isthis—- (Enter Nanki-Poo, with a rope in his hands.) Go away,sir! How dare you? Am I never to be permitted to soliloquize?NANK. Oh, go on—don't mind me.KO. What are you going to do with that rope?NANK. I am about to terminate an unendurabIe existence.KO. Terminate your existence? Oh, nonsense! What for?NANK. Because you are going to marry the girl I adore.KO. Nonsense, sir. I won't permit it. I am a humane man,and if you attempt anything of the kind I shall order yourinstant arrest. Come, sir, desist at once or I summon my guard.NANK. That's absurd. If you attempt to raise an alarm, Iinstantly perform the Happy Despatch with this dagger.KO. No, no, don't do that. This is horrible! (Suddenly.)Why, you cold-blooded scoundrel, are you aware that, in takingyour life, you are committing a crime which—which—which is——Oh! (Struck by an idea.) Substitute!NANK. What's the matter?KO. Is it absolutely certain that you are resolved to die?NANK. Absolutely!KO. Will nothing shake your resolution?NANK. Nothing.KO. Threats, entreaties, prayers—all useless?NANK. All! My mind is made up.KO. Then, if you really mean what you say, and if you areabsolutely resolved to die, and if nothing whatever will shakeyour determination—don't spoil yourself by committing suicide,but be beheaded handsomely at the hands of the PublicExecutioner!NANK. I don't see how that would benefit me.KO. You don't? Observe: you'll have a month to live, andyou'll live like a fighting-cock at my expense. When the daycomes there'll be a grand public ceremonial—you'll be thecentral figure—no one will attempt to deprive you of thatdistinction. There'll be a procession—bands—dead march—bellstolling—all the girls in tears—Yum-Yum distracted—then, whenit's all over, general rejoicings, and a display of fireworks inthe evening. You won't see them, but they'll be there all thesame.NANK. Do you think Yum-Yum would really be distracted at mydeath?KO. I am convinced of it. Bless you, she's the mosttender-hearted little creature alive.NANK. I should be sorry to cause her pain. Perhaps, afterall, if I were to withdraw from Japan, and travel in Europe for acouple of years, I might contrive to forget her.KO. Oh, I don't think you could forget Yum-Yum so easily;and, after all, what is more miserable than a love-blighted life?NANK. True.KO. Life without Yum-Yum—why, it seems absurd!NANK. And yet there are a good many people in the world whohave to endure it.KO. Poor devils, yes! You are quite right not to be oftheir number.NANK. (suddenly). I won't be of their number!KO. Noble fellow!NANK. I'll tell you how we'll manage it. Let me marryYum-Yum to-morrow, and in a month you may behead me.KO. No, no. I draw the line at Yum-Yum.NANK. Very good. If you can draw the line, so can I.(Preparing rope.)KO. Stop, stop—listen one moment—be reasonable. How canI consent to your marrying Yum-Yum if I'm going to marry hermyself?NANK. My good friend, she'll be a widow in a month, and youcan marry her then.KO. That's true, of course. I quite see that. But, dearme! my position during the next month will be mostunpleasant—most unpleasant.NANK. Not half so unpleasant as my position at the end ofit.KO. But—dear me!—well—I agree—after all, it's onlyputting off my wedding for a month. But you won't prejudice heragainst me, will you? You see, I've educated her to be my wife;she's been taught to regard me as a wise and good man. Now Ishouldn't like her views on that point disturbed.NANK. Trust me, she shall never learn the truth from me.FINALE.Enter Chorus, Pooh-Bah, and Pish-Tush.CHORUS.With aspect sternAnd gloomy stride,We come to learnHow you decide.Don't hesitateYour choice to name,A dreadful fateYou'll suffer all the same.POOH. To ask you what you mean to do we punctually appear.KO. Congratulate me, gentlemen, I've found a Volunteer!ALL. The Japanese equivalent for Hear, Hear, Hear!KO. (presenting him). 'Tis Nanki-Poo!ALL. Hail, Nanki-Poo!KO. I think he'll do?ALL. Yes, yes, he'll do!KO. He yields his life if I'll Yum-Yum surrender.Now I adore that girl with passion tender,And could not yield her with a ready will,Or her allot,If I did notAdore myself with passion tenderer still!Enter Yum-Yum, Peep-Bo, and Pitti-Sing.ALL. Ah, yes!He loves himself with passion tenderer still!KO. (to Nanki-Poo). Take her—she's yours![Exit Ko-KoENSEMBLE.NANKI-POO. The threatened cloud has passed away,YUM-YUM. And brightly shines the dawning day;NANKI-POO. What though the night may come too soon,YUM-YUM. There's yet a month of afternoon!NANKI-POO, POOH-BAH, YUM-YUM, PITTI-SING,and PEEP-BO.Then let the throngOur joy advance,With laughing songAnd merry dance,CHORUS. With joyous shout and ringing cheer,Inaugurate our brief career!PITTI-SING. A day, a week, a month, a year—YUM. Or far or near, or far or near,POOH. Life's eventime comes much too soon,PITTI-SING. You'll live at least a honeymoon!ALL. Then let the throng, etc.CHORUS. With joyous shout, etc.SOLO—POOH-BAH.As in a month you've got to die,If Ko-Ko tells us true,'Twere empty compliment to cry"Long life to Nanki-Poo!"But as one month you have to liveAs fellow-citizen,This toast with three times three we'll give—"Long life to you—till then!"[ExitPooh-Bah.CHORUS. May all good fortune prosper you,May you have health and riches too,May you succeed in all you do!Long life to you—till then!(Dance.)Enter Katisha melodramaticallyKAT. Your revels cease! Assist me, all of you!CHORUS. Why, who is this whose evil eyesRain blight on our festivities?KAT. I claim my perjured lover, Nanki-Poo!Oh, fool! to shun delights that never cloy!CHORUS. Go, leave thy deadly work undone!KAT. Come back, oh, shallow fool! come back to joy!CHORUS. Away, away! ill-favoured one!NANK. (aside to Yum-Yum). Ah!'Tis Katisha!The maid of whom I told you. (About to go.)KAT. (detaining him). No!You shall not go,These arms shall thus enfold you!SONG—KATISHA.KAT. (addressing Nanki-Poo).Oh fool, that fleestMy hallowed joys!Oh blind, that seestNo equipoise!Oh rash, that judgestFrom half, the whole!Oh base, that grudgestLove's lightest dole!Thy heart unbind,Oh fool, oh blind!Give me my place,Oh rash, oh base!CHORUS. If she's thy bride, restore her place,Oh fool, oh blind, oh rash, oh base!KAT. (addressing Yum-Yum).Pink cheek, that rulestWhere wisdom serves!Bright eye, that foolestHeroic nerves!Rose lip, that scornestLore-laden years!Smooth tongue, that warnestWho rightly hears!Thy doom is nigh.Pink cheek, bright eye!Thy knell is rung,Rose lip, smooth tongue!CHORUS. If true her tale, thy knell is rung,Pink cheek, bright eye, rose lip, smooth tongue!PITTI-SING. Away, nor prosecute your quest—From our intention, well expressed,You cannot turn us!The state of your connubial viewsTowards the person you accuseDoes not concern us!For he's going to marry Yum-Yum—ALL. Yum-Yum!PITTI. Your anger pray bury,For all will be merry,I think you had better succumb—ALL. Cumb—cumb!PITTI. And join our expressions of glee.On this subject I pray you be dumb—ALL. Dumb—dumb.PITTI. You'll find there are manyWho'll wed for a penny—The word for your guidance is "Mum"—ALL. Mum—mum!PITTI. There's lots of good fish in the sea!ALL. On this subject we pray you be dumb, etc.SOLO—KATISHA.The hour of gladnessIs dead and gone;In silent sadnessI live alone!The hope I cherishedAll lifeless lies,And all has perishedSave love, which never dies!Oh, faithless one, this insult you shall rue!In vain for mercy on your knees you'll sue.I'll tear the mask from your disguising!NANK. (aside). Now comes the blow!KAT. Prepare yourselves for news surprising!NANK. (aside). How foil my foe?KAT. No minstrel he, despite bravado!YUM. (aside, struck by an idea). Ha! ha! I know!KAT. He is the son of your——(Nanki-Poo, Yum-Yum, and Chorus, interrupting, sing Japanese words,to drown her voice.)O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to!KAT. In vain you interrupt with this tornado!He is the only son of your——ALL. O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to!KAT. I'll spoil——ALL. O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to!KAT. Your gay gambado!He is the son——ALL. O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to!KAT. Of your——ALL. O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to!KAT. The son of your——ALL. O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to! oya! oya!ENSEMBLE.
KATISHA. THE OTHERS.Ye torrents roar! We'll hear no more,Ye tempests howl! Ill-omened owl.Your wrath outpour To joy we soar,With angry growl! Despite yourscowl!Do ye your worst, my vengeance The echoes of our festivalcallShall rise triumphant over all! Shall rise triumphant overall!Prepare for woe, Away you go,Ye haughty lords, Collect yourhordes;At once I go Proclaim your woeMikado-wards, In dismalchordsMy wrongs with vengeance shall We do not heed theirdismalbe crowned! soundMy wrongs with vengeance shall For joy reigns everywherebe crowned! around.(Katisha rushes furiously up stage, clearing the crowd away rightand left, finishing on steps at the back of stage.)END OF ACT I.
SCENE.—Ko-Ko's Garden.Yum-Yum discovered seated at her bridal toilet, surrounded bymaidens, who are dressing her hair and painting her face andlips, as she judges of the effect in a mirror.SOLO—PITTI-SING and CHORUS OF GIRLS.CHORUS. Braid the raven hair—Weave the supple tress—Deck the maiden fairIn her loveliness—Paint the pretty face—Dye the coral lip—Emphasize the graceOf her ladyship!Art and nature, thus allied,Go to make a pretty bride.SOLO—PITTI-SING.Sit with downcast eyeLet it brim with dew—Try if you can cry—We will do so, too.When you're summoned, startLike a frightened roe—Flutter, little heart,Colour, come and go!Modesty at marriage-tideWell becomes a pretty bride!CHORUS.Braid the raven hair, etc.[Exeunt Pitti-Sing, Peep-Bo, andChorus.YUM. Yes, I am indeed beautiful! Sometimes I sit andwonder, in my artless Japanese way, why it is that I am so muchmore attractive than anybody else in the whole world. Can thisbe vanity? No! Nature is lovely and rejoices in her loveliness.I am a child of Nature, and take after my mother.SONG—YUM-YUM.The sun, whose raysAre all ablazeWith ever-living glory,Does not denyHis majesty—He scorns to tell a story!He don't exclaim,"I blush for shame,So kindly be indulgent."But, fierce and bold,In fiery gold,He glories effulgent!I mean to rule the earth,As he the sky—We really know our worth,The sun and I!Observe his flame,That placid dame,The moon's Celestial Highness;There's not a traceUpon her faceOf diffidence or shyness:She borrows lightThat, through the night,Mankind may all acclaim her!And, truth to tell,She lights up well,So I, for one, don't blame her!Ah, pray make no mistake,We are not shy;We're very wide awake,The moon and I!Enter Pitti-Sing and Peep-Bo.YUM. Yes, everything seems to smile upon me. I am to bemarried to-day to the man I love best and I believe I am the veryhappiest girl in Japan!PEEP. The happiest girl indeed, for she is indeed to beenvied who has attained happiness in all but perfection.YUM. In "all but" perfection?PEEP. Well, dear, it can't be denied that the fact thatyour husband is to be beheaded in a month is, in its way, adrawback. It does seem to take the top off it, you know.PITTI. I don't know about that. It all depends!PEEP. At all events, he will find it a drawback.PITTI. Not necessarily. Bless you, it all depends!YUM. (in tears). I think it very indelicate of you torefer to such a subject on such a day. If my married happinessis to be—to be—PEEP. Cut short.YUM. Well, cut short—in a month, can't you let me forgetit? (Weeping.)Enter Nanki-Poo, followed by Go-To.NANK. Yum-Yum in tears—and on her wedding morn!YUM. (sobbing). They've been reminding me that in a monthyou're to be beheaded! (Bursts into tears.)PITTI. Yes, we've been reminding her that you're to bebeheaded. (Bursts into tears.)PEEP. It's quite true, you know, you are to be beheaded!(Bursts into tears.)NANK. (aside). Humph! Now, some bridegrooms would bedepressed by this sort of thing! (Aloud.) A month? Well,what's a month? Bah! These divisions of time are purelyarbitrary. Who says twenty-four hours make a day?PITTI. There's a popular impression to that effect.NANK. Then we'll efface it. We'll call each second aminute—each minute an hour—each hour a day—and each day ayear. At that rate we've about thirty years of married happinessbefore us!PEEP. And, at that rate, this interview has already lastedfour hours and three-quarters![ExitPeep-Bo.YUM. (still sobbing). Yes. How time flies when one isthoroughly enjoying oneself!NANK. That's the way to look at it! Don't let's bedownhearted! There's a silver lining to every cloud.YUM. Certainly. Let's—let's be perfectly happy! (Almostin tears.)GO-TO. By all means. Let's—let's thoroughly enjoyourselves.PITTI. It's—it's absurd to cry! (Trying to force alaugh.)YUM. Quite ridiculous! (Trying to laugh.)(All break into a forced and melancholy laugh.)MADRIGAL.YUM-YUM, PITTI-SING, NANKI-POO, and PISH-TUSHBrightly dawns our wedding day;Joyous hour, we give thee greeting!Whither, whither art thou fleeting?Fickle moment, prithee stay!What though mortal joys be hollow?Pleasures come, if sorrows follow:Though the tocsin sound, ere long,Ding dong! Ding dong!Yet until the shadows fallOver one and over all,Sing a merry madrigal—A madrigal!Fal-la—fal-la! etc. (Ending in tears.)Let us dry the ready tear,Though the hours are surely creepingLittle need for woeful weeping,Till the sad sundown is near.All must sip the cup of sorrow—I to-day and thou to-morrow;This the close of every song—Ding dong! Ding dong!What, though solemn shadows fall,Sooner, later, over all?Sing a merry madrigal—A madrigal!Fal-la—fal-la! etc. (Ending in tears.)[Exeunt Pitti-Sing andPish-Tush.(Nanki-Poo embraces Yum-Yum. Enter Ko-Ko. Nanki-Poo releasesYum-Yum.)KO. Go on—don't mind me.NANK. I'm afraid we're distressing you.KO. Never mind, I must get used to it. Only please do itby degrees. Begin by putting your arm round her waist.(Nanki-Poo does so.) There; let me get used to that first.YUM. Oh, wouldn't you like to retire? It must pain you tosee us so affectionate together!KO. No, I must learn to bear it! Now oblige me by allowingher head to rest on your shoulder.NANK. Like that? (He does so. Ko-Ko much affected.)KO. I am much obliged to you. Now—kiss her! (He does so.Ko-Ko writhes with anguish.) Thank you—it's simple torture!YUM. Come, come, bear up. After all, it's only for amonth.KO. No. It's no use deluding oneself with false hopes.NANK. and YUM. What do you mean?KO. (to Yum-Yum). My child—my poor child! (Aside.) Howshall I break it to her? (Aloud.) My little bride that was tohave been?YUM. (delighted). Was to have been?KO. Yes, you never can be mine!NANK. and YUM. (simultaneously, in ecstacy) What!/I'm soglad!KO. I've just ascertained that, by the Mikado's law, when amarried man is beheaded his wife is buried alive.NANK. and YUM. Buried alive!KO. Buried alive. It's a most unpleasant death.NANK. But whom did you get that from?KO. Oh, from Pooh-Bah. He's my Solicitor.YUM. But he may be mistaken!KO. So I thought; so I consulted the Attorney General, theLord Chief Justice, the Master of the Rolls, the Judge Ordinary,and the Lord Chancellor. They're all of the same opinion. Neverknew such unanimity on a point of law in my life!NANK. But stop a bit! This law has never been put inforce.KO. Not yet. You see, flirting is the only crimepunishable with decapitation, and married men never flirt.NANK. Of course, they don't. I quite forgot that! Well, Isuppose I may take it that my dream of happiness is at an end!YUM. Darling—I don't want to appear selfish, and I loveyou with all my heart—I don't suppose I shall ever love anybodyelse half as much—but when I agreed to marry you—my own—I hadno idea—pet—that I should have to be buried alive in a month!NANK. Nor I! It's the very first I've heard of it!YUM. It—it makes a difference, doesn't it?NANK. It does make a difference, of course.YUM. You see—burial alive—it's such a stuffy death!NANK. I call it a beast of a death.YUM. You see my difficulty, don't you?NANK. Yes, and I see my own. If I insist on your carryingout your promise, I doom you to a hideous death; if I releaseyou, you marry Ko-Ko at once!TRIO.—YUM-YUM, NANKI-POO, and KO-KO.YUM. Here's a how-de-do!If I marry you,When your time has come to perish,Then the maiden whom you cherishMust be slaughtered, too!Here's a how-de-do!NANK. Here's a pretty mess!In a month, or less,I must die without a wedding!Let the bitter tears I'm sheddingWitness my distress,Here's a pretty mess!KO. Here's a state of thingsTo her life she clings!Matrimonial devotionDoesn't seem to suit her notion—Burial it brings!Here's a state of things!ENSEMBLEYUM-YUM and NANKI-POO. KO-KO.With a passion that's intense With a passion that'sintenseI worship and adore, You worship and adore,But the laws of common sense But the laws of commonsenseWe oughtn't to ignore. You oughtn't toignore.If what he says is true, If what I say is true,'Tis death to marry you! 'Tis death to marryyou!Here's a pretty state of things! Here's a pretty state ofthings!Here's a pretty how-de-do! Here's a prettyhow-de-do![ExitYum-Yum.KO. (going up to Nanki-Poo). My poor boy, I'm really verysorry for you.NANK. Thanks, old fellow. I'm sure you are.KO. You see I'm quite helpless.NANK. I quite see that.KO. I can't conceive anything more distressing than to haveone's marriage broken off at the last moment. But you shan't bedisappointed of a wedding—you shall come to mine.NANK. It's awfully kind of you, but that's impossible.KO. Why so?NANK. To-day I die.KO. What do you mean?NANK. I can't live without Yum-Yum. This afternoon Iperform the Happy Despatch.KO. No, no—pardon me—I can't allow that.NANK. Why not?KO. Why, hang it all, you're under contract to die by thehand of the Public Executioner in a month's time! If you killyourself, what's to become of me? Why, I shall have to beexecuted in your place!NANK. It would certainly seem so!Enter Pooh-Bah.KO. Now then, Lord Mayor, what is it?POOH. The Mikado and his suite are approaching the city,and will be here in ten minutes.KO. The Mikado! He's coming to see whether his orders havebeen carried out! (To Nanki-Poo.) Now look here, you know—thisis getting serious—a bargain's a bargain, and you really mustn'tfrustrate the ends of justice by committing suicide. As a man ofhonour and a gentleman, you are bound to die ignominiously by thehands of the Public Executioner.NANK. Very well, then—behead me.KO. What, now?NANK. Certainly; at once.POOH. Chop it off! Chop it off!KO. My good sir, I don't go about prepared to executegentlemen at a moment's notice. Why, I never even killed ablue-bottle!POOH. Still, as Lord High Executioner——KO. My good sir, as Lord High Executioner, I've got tobehead him in a month. I'm not ready yet. I don't know how it'sdone. I'm going to take lessons. I mean to begin with a guineapig, and work my way through the animal kingdom till I come to aSecond Trombone. Why, you don't suppose that, as a humane man,I'd have accepted the post of Lord High Executioner if I hadn'tthought the duties were purely nominal? I can't kill you—Ican't kill anything! I can't kill anybody! (Weeps.)NANK. Come, my poor fellow, we all have unpleasant dutiesto discharge at times; after all, what is it? If I don't mind,why should you? Remember, sooner or later it must be done.KO. (springing up suddenly). Must it? I'm not so sureabout that!NANK. What do you mean?KO. Why should I kill you when making an affidavit thatyou've been executed will do just as well? Here are plenty ofwitnesses—the Lord Chief Justice, Lord High Admiral,Commander-in-Chief, Secretary of State for the Home Department,First Lord of the Treasury, and Chief Commissioner of Police.NANK. But where are they?KO. There they are. They'll all swear to it—won't you?(To Pooh-Bah.)POOH. Am I to understand that all of us high Officers ofState are required to perjure ourselves to ensure your safety?KO. Why not! You'll be grossly insulted, as usual.POOH. Will the insult be cash down, or at a date?KO. It will be a ready-money transaction.POOH. (Aside.) Well, it will be a useful discipline.(Aloud.) Very good. Choose your fiction, and I'll endorse it!(Aside.) Ha! ha! Family Pride, how do you like that, my buck?NANK. But I tell you that life without Yum-Yum——KO. Oh, Yum-Yum, Yum-Yum! Bother Yum-Yum! Here,Commissionaire (to Pooh-Bah), go and fetch Yum-Yum. (ExitPooh-Bah.) Take Yum-Yum and marry Yum-Yum, only go away and nevercome back again. (Enter Pooh-Bah with Yum-Yum.) Here she is.Yum-Yum, are you particularly busy?YUM. Not particularly.KO. You've five minutes to spare?YUM. Yes.KO. Then go along with his Grace the Archbishop of Titipu;he'll marry you at once.YUM. But if I'm to be buried alive?KO. Now, don't ask any questions, but do as I tell you, andNanki-Poo will explain all.NANK. But one moment——KO. Not for worlds. Here comes the Mikado, no doubt toascertain whether I've obeyed his decree, and if he finds youalive I shall have the greatest difficulty in persuading him thatI've beheaded you. (Exeunt Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum, followed byPooh-Bah.) Close thing that, for here he comes![Exit Ko-Ko.March.—Enter procession, heralding Mikado, with Katisha.Entrance of Mikado and Katisha.("March of the Mikado's troops.")CHORUS. Miya sama, miya sama,On n'm-ma no maye niPira-Pira suru no waNan gia naToko tonyare tonyare na?DUET—MIKADO and KATISHA.MIK. From every kind of manObedience I expect;I'm the Emperor of Japan—KAT. And I'm his daughter-in-law elect!He'll marry his son(He's only got one)To his daughter-in-law elect!MIK. My morals have been declaredParticularly correct;KAT. But they're nothing at all, comparedWith those of his daughter-in-law elect!Bow—Bow—To his daughter-in-law elect!ALL. Bow—Bow—To his daughter-in-law elect.MIK. In a fatherly kind of wayI govern each tribe and sect,All cheerfully own my sway—KAT. Except his daughter-in-law elect!As tough as a bone,With a will of her own,Is his daughter-in-law elect!MIK. My nature is love and light—My freedom from all defect—KAT. Is insignificant quite,Compared with his daughter-in-law elect!Bow—Bow—To his daughter-in-law elect!ALL. Bow—Bow—To his daughter-in-law elect!SONG—MIKADO and CHORUS.A more humane Mikado neverDid in Japan exist,To nobody second,I'm certainly reckonedA true philanthropist.It is my very humane endeavourTo make, to some extent,Each evil liverA running riverOf harmless merriment.My object all sublimeI shall achieve in time—To let the punishment fit the crime—The punishment fit the crime;And make each prisoner pentUnwillingly representA source of innocent merriment!Of innocent merriment!All prosy dull society sinners,Who chatter and bleat and bore,Are sent to hear sermonsFrom mystical GermansWho preach from ten till four.The amateur tenor, whose vocal villainiesAll desire to shirk,Shall, during off-hours,Exhibit his powersTo Madame Tussaud's waxwork.The lady who dyes a chemical yellowOr stains her grey hair puce,Or pinches her figure,Is painted with vigourWith permanent walnut juice.The idiot who, in railway carriages,Scribbles on window-panes,We only sufferTo ride on a bufferIn Parliamentary trains.My object all sublime, etc.CHORUS. His object all sublime, etc.The advertising quack who weariesWith tales of countless cures,His teeth, I've enacted,Shall all be extractedBy terrified amateurs.The music-hall singer attends a seriesOf masses and fugues and "ops"By Bach, interwovenWith Spohr and Beethoven,At classical Monday Pops.The billiard sharp who any one catches,His doom's extremely hard—He's made to dwell—In a dungeon cellOn a spot that's always barred.And there he plays extravagant matchesIn fitless finger-stallsOn a cloth untrueWith a twisted cueAnd elliptical billiard balls!My object all sublime, etc.CHORUS. His object all sublime, etc.Enter Pooh-Bah, Ko-Ko, and Pitti-Sing. All kneel(Pooh-Bah hands a paper to Ko-Ko.)KO. I am honoured in being permitted to welcome yourMajesty. I guess the object of your Majesty's visit—your wisheshave been attended to. The execution has taken place.MIK. Oh, you've had an execution, have you?KO. Yes. The Coroner has just handed me his certificate.POOH. I am the Coroner. (Ko-Ko hands certificate toMikado.)MIK. And this is the certificate of his death. (Reads.)"At Titipu, in the presence of the Lord Chancellor, Lord ChiefJustice, Attorney-General, Secretary of State for the HomeDepartment, Lord Mayor, and Groom of the Second Floor Front——"POOH. They were all present, your Majesty. I counted themmyself.MIK. Very good house. I wish I'd been in time for theperformance.KO. A tough fellow he was, too—a man of gigantic strength.His struggles were terrific. It was a remarkable scene.MIK. Describe it.TRIO and CHORUS.KO-KO, PITTI-SING, POOH-BAH and CHORUS.KO. The criminal cried, as he dropped him down,In a state of wild alarm—With a frightful, frantic, fearful frown,I bared my big right arm.I seized him by his little pig-tail,And on his knees fell he,As he squirmed and struggled,And gurgled and guggled,I drew my snickersnee!Oh, never shall IForget the cry,Or the shriek that shrieked he,As I gnashed my teeth,When from its sheathI drew my snickersnee!CHORUS.We know him well,He cannot tellUntrue or groundless tales—He always triesTo utter lies,And every time he fails.PITTI. He shivered and shook as he gave the signFor the stroke he didn't deserve;When all of a sudden his eye met mine,And it seemed to brace his nerve;For he nodded his head and kissed his hand,And he whistled an air, did he,As the sabre trueCut cleanly throughHis cervical vertebrae!When a man's afraid,A beautiful maidIs a cheering sight to see;And it's oh, I'm gladThat moment sadWas soothed by sight of me!CHORUS.Her terrible taleYou can't assail,With truth it quite agrees:Her taste exactFor faultless factAmounts to a disease.POOH. Now though you'd have said that head was dead(For its owner dead was he),It stood on its neck, with a smile well-bred,And bowed three times to me!It was none of your impudent off-hand nods,But as humble as could be;For it clearly knewThe deference dueTo a man of pedigree!And it's oh, I vow,This deathly bowWas a touching sight to see;Though trunkless, yetIt couldn't forgetThe deference due to me!CHORUS.This haughty youth,He speaks the truthWhenever he finds it pays:And in this caseIt all took placeExactly as he says![ExeuntChorus.MIK. All this is very interesting, and I should like tohave seen it. But we came about a totally different matter. Ayear ago my son, the heir to the throne of Japan, bolted from ourImperial Court.KO. Indeed! Had he any reason to be dissatisfied with hisposition?KAT. None whatever. On the contrary, I was going to marryhim—yet he fled!POOH. I am surprised that he should have fled from one solovely!KAT. That's not true.POOH. No!KAT. You hold that I am not beautiful because my face isplain. But you know nothing; you are still unenlightened.Learn, then, that it is not in the face alone that beauty is tobe sought. My face is unattractive!POOH. It is.KAT. But I have a left shoulder-blade that is a miracle ofloveliness. People come miles to see it. My right elbow has afascination that few can resist.POOH. Allow me!KAT. It is on view Tuesdays and Fridays, on presentation ofvisiting card. As for my circulation, it is the largest in theworld.KO. And yet he fled!MIK. And is now masquerading in this town, disguised as aSecond Trombone.KO., POOH., and PITTI. A Second Trombone!MIK. Yes; would it be troubling you too much if I asked youto produce him? He goes by the name of——KAT. Nanki-Poo.MIK. Nanki-Poo.KO. It's quite easy. That is, it's rather difficult. Inpoint of fact, he's gone abroad!MIK. Gone abroad! His address.KO. Knightsbridge!KAT. (who is reading certificate of death). Ha!MIK. What's the matter?KAT. See here—his name—Nanki-Poo—beheaded this morning.Oh, where shall I find another? Where shall I find another?[Ko-Ko, Pooh-Bah, and Pitti-Sing fall ontheir knees.MIK. (looking at paper). Dear, dear, dear! this is verytiresome. (To Ko-Ko.) My poor fellow, in your anxiety to carryout my wishes you have beheaded the heir to the throne of Japan!KO. I beg to offer an unqualified apology.POOH. I desire to associate myself with that expression ofregret.PITTI. We really hadn't the least notion—MIK. Of course you hadn't. How could you? Come, come, mygood fellow, don't distress yourself—it was no fault of yours.If a man of exalted rank chooses to disguise himself as a SecondTrombone, he must take the consequences. It really distresses meto see you take on so. I've no doubt he thoroughly deserved allhe got. (They rise.)KO. We are infinitely obliged to your Majesty——PITTI. Much obliged, your Majesty.POOH. Very much obliged, your Majesty.MIK. Obliged? not a bit. Don't mention it. How could youtell?POOH. No, of course we couldn't tell who the gentlemanreally was.PITTI. It wasn't written on his forehead, you know.KO. It might have been on his pocket-handkerchief, butJapanese don't use pocket-handkerchiefs! Ha! ha! ha!MIK. Ha! ha! ha! (To Katisha.) I forget the punishment forcompassing the death of the Heir Apparent.KO., POOH, and PITTI. Punishment. (They drop down on theirknees again.)MIK. Yes. Something lingering, with boiling oil in it, Ifancy. Something of that sort. I think boiling oil occurs init, but I'm not sure. I know it's something humorous, butlingering, with either boiling oil or melted lead. Come, come,don't fret—I'm not a bit angry.KO. (in abject terror). If your Majesty will accept ourassurance, we had no idea——MIK. Of course——PITTI. I knew nothing about it.POOH. I wasn't there.MIK. That's the pathetic part of it. Unfortunately, thefool of an Act says "compassing the death of the Heir Apparent."There's not a word about a mistake——KO., PITTI., and POOH. No!MIK. Or not knowing——KO. No!MIK. Or having no notion——PITTI. No!MIK. Or not being there——POOH. No!MIK. There should be, of course—-KO., PITTI., and POOH. Yes!MIK. But there isn't.KO., PITTI., and POOH. Oh!MIK. That's the slovenly way in which these Acts are alwaysdrawn. However, cheer up, it'll be all right. I'll have italtered next session. Now, let's see about your execution—willafter luncheon suit you? Can you wait till then?KO., PITTI., and POOH. Oh, yes—we can wait till then!MIK. Then we'll make it after luncheon.POOH. I don't want any lunch.MIK. I'm really very sorry for you all, but it's an unjustworld, and virtue is triumphant only in theatrical performances.GLEE.PITTI-SING, KATISHA, KO-KO, POOH-BAH, and MIKADO,MIK. See how the Fates their gifts allot,For A is happy—B is not.Yet B is worthy, I dare say,Of more prosperity than A!KO., POOH., and PITTI. Is B more worthy?KAT. I should sayHe's worth a great deal more than A.ENSEMBLE: Yet A is happy!Oh, so happy!Laughing, Ha! ha!Chaffing, Ha! ha!Nectar quaffing, Ha! ha! ha!Ever joyous, ever gay,Happy, undeserving A!KO., POOH., and PITTI. If I were Fortune—which I'm not—B should enjoy A's happy lot,And A should die in miserie—That is, assuming I am B.MIK. and KAT. But should A perish?KO., POOH., and PITTI. That should be(Of course, assuming I am B).B should be happy!Oh, so happy!Laughing, Ha! ha!Chaffing, Ha! ha!Nectar quaffing, Ha! ha! ha!But condemned to die is he,Wretched meritorious B![Exeunt Mikado andKatisha.KO. Well, a nice mess you've got us into, with your noddinghead and the deference due to a man of pedigree!POOH. Merely corroborative detail, intended to giveartistic verisimilitude to an otherwise bald and unconvincingnarrative.PITTI. Corroborative detail indeed! Corroborativefiddlestick!KO. And you're just as bad as he is with your cock—and-a-bull stories about catching his eye and his whistling anair. But that's so like you! You must put in your oar!POOH. But how about your big right arm?PITTI. Yes, and your snickersnee!KO. Well, well, never mind that now. There's only onething to be done. Nanki-Poo hasn't started yet—he must come tolife again at once. (Enter Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum prepared forjourney.) Here he comes. Here, Nanki-Poo, I've good news foryou—you're reprieved.NANK. Oh, but it's too late. I'm a dead man, and I'm offfor my honeymoon.KO. Nonsense! A terrible thing has just happened. Itseems you're the son of the Mikado.NANK. Yes, but that happened some time ago.KO. Is this a time for airy persiflage? Your father ishere, and with Katisha!NANK. My father! And with Katisha!KO. Yes, he wants you particularly.POOH. So does she.YUM. Oh, but he's married now.KO. But, bless my heart! what has that to do with it?NANK. Katisha claims me in marriage, but I can't marry herbecause I'm married already—consequently she will insist on myexecution, and if I'm executed, my wife will have to be buriedalive.YUM. You see our difficulty.KO. Yes. I don't know what's to be done.NANK. There's one chance for you. If you could persuadeKatisha to marry you, she would have no further claim on me, andin that case I could come to life without any fear of being putto death.KO. I marry Katisha!YUM. I really think it's the only course.KO. But, my good girl, have you seen her? She's somethingappalling!PITTI. Ah! that's only her face. She has a left elbowwhich people come miles to see!POOH. I am told that her right heel is much admired byconnoisseurs.KO. My good sir, I decline to pin my heart upon any lady'sright heel.NANK. It comes to this: While Katisha is single, I preferto be a disembodied spirit. When Katisha is married, existencewill be as welcome as the flowers in spring.DUET—NANKI-POO and KO-KO.(With YUM-YUM, PITTI-SING, and POOH-BAH.)NANK. The flowers that bloom in the spring,Tra la,Breathe promise of merry sunshine—As we merrily dance and we sing,Tra la,We welcome the hope that they bring,Tra la,Of a summer of roses and wine.And that's what we mean when we say that athingIs welcome as flowers that bloom in thespring.Tra la la la la la, etc.ALL. Tra la la la, etc.KO. The flowers that bloom in the spring,Tra la,Have nothing to do with the case.I've got to take under my wing,Tra la,A most unattractive old thing,Tra la,With a caricature of a faceAnd that's what I mean when I say, or I sing,"Oh, bother the flowers that bloom in the spring."Tra la la la la la, etc.ALL. Tra la la la, Tra la la la, etc.[Dance and exeunt Nanki-Poo, Yum-Yum, Pooh-Bah, Pitti-Sing, andKo-Ko.Enter Katisha.RECITATIVE and SONG.—KATISHA.Alone, and yet alive! Oh, sepulchre!My soul is still my body's prisoner!Remote the peace that Death alone can give—My doom, to wait! my punishment, to live!SONG.Hearts do not break!They sting and acheFor old love's sake,But do not die,Though with each breathThey long for deathAs witnessethThe living I!Oh, living I!Come, tell me why,When hope is gone,Dost thou stay on?Why linger here,Where all is drear?Oh, living I!Come, tell me why,When hope is gone,Dost thou stay on?May not a cheated maiden die?KO. (entering and approaching her timidly). Katisha!KAT. The miscreant who robbed me of my love! But vengeancepursues—they are heating the cauldron!KO. Katisha—behold a suppliant at your feet!Katisha—mercy!KAT. Mercy? Had you mercy on him? See here, you! Youhave slain my love. He did not love me, but he would have lovedme in time. I am an acquired taste—only the educated palate canappreciate me. I was educating his palate when he left me.Well, he is dead, and where shall I find another? It takes yearsto train a man to love me. Am I to go through the weary roundagain, and, at the same time, implore mercy for you who robbed meof my prey—I mean my pupil—just as his education was on thepoint of completion? Oh, where shall I find another?KO. (suddenly, and with great vehemence). Here!—Here!KAT. What!!!KO. (with intense passion). Katisha, for years I haveloved you with a white-hot passion that is slowly but surelyconsuming my very vitals! Ah, shrink not from me! If there isaught of woman's mercy in your heart, turn not away from alove-sick suppliant whose every fibre thrills at your tiniesttouch! True it is that, under a poor mask of disgust, I haveendeavoured to conceal a passion whose inner fires are broilingthe soul within me! But the fire will not be smothered—itdefies all attempts at extinction, and, breaking forth, all themore eagerly for its long restraint, it declares itself in wordsthat will not be weighed—that cannot be schooled—that shouldnot be too severely criticised. Katisha, I dare not hope foryour love—but I will not live without it! Darling!KAT. You, whose hands still reek with the blood of mybetrothed, dare to address words of passion to the woman you haveso foully wronged!KO. I do—accept my love, or I perish on the spot!KAT. Go to! Who knows so well as I that no one ever yetdied of a broken heart!KO. You know not what you say. Listen!SONG—KO-KO.On a tree by a river a little tom-titSang "Willow, titwillow, titwillow!"And I said to him, "Dicky-bird, why do you sitSinging Willow, titwillow, titwillow'?""Is it weakness of intellect, birdie?" I cried,"Or a rather tough worm in your little inside?"With a shake of his poor little head, he replied,"Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!"He slapped at his chest, as he sat on that bough,Singing "Willow, titwillow, titwillow!"And a cold perspiration bespangled his brow,Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!He sobbed and he sighed, and a gurgle he gave,Then he plunged himself into the billowy wave,And an echo arose from the suicide's grave—"Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!"Now I feel just as sure as I'm sure that my nameIsn't Willow, titwillow, titwillow,That 'twas blighted affection that made him exclaim"Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!"And if you remain callous and obdurate, IShall perish as he did, and you will know why,Though I probably shall not exclaim as I die,"Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!"(During this song Katisha has been greatly affected, and at theend is almost in tears.)KAT. (whimpering). Did he really die of love?KO. He really did.KAT. All on account of a cruel little hen?KO. Yes.KAT. Poor little chap!KO. It's an affecting tale, and quite true. I knew thebird intimately.KAT. Did you? He must have been very fond of her.KO. His devotion was something extraordinary.KAT. (still whimpering). Poor little chap! And—and if Irefuse you, will you go and do the same?KO. At once.KAT. No, no—you mustn't! Anything but that! (Falls onhis breast.) Oh, I'm a silly little goose!KO. (making a wry face). You are!KAT. And you won't hate me because I'm just a little teenyweeny wee bit bloodthirsty, will you?KO. Hate you? Oh, Katisha! is there not beauty even inbloodthirstiness?KAT. My idea exactly.DUET—KATISHA and KO-KO.KAT. There is beauty in the bellow of the blast,There is grandeur in the growling of the gale,There is eloquent outpouringWhen the lion is a-roaring,And the tiger is a-lashing of his tail!KO. Yes, I like to see a tigerFrom the Congo or the Niger,And especially when lashing of his tail!KAT. Volcanoes have a splendor that is grim,And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,But to him who's scientificThere's nothing that's terrificIn the falling of a flight of thunderbolts!KO. Yes, in spite of all my meekness,If I have a little weakness,It's a passion for a flight of thunderbolts!BOTH. If that is so,Sing derry down derry!It's evident, very,Our tastes are one.Away we'll go,And merrily marry,Nor tardily tarryTill day is done!KO. There is beauty in extreme old age—Do you fancy you are elderly enough?Information I'm requestingOn a subject interesting:Is a maiden all the better when she's tough?KAT. Throughout this wide dominionIt's the general opinionThat she'll last a good deal longer when she'stough.KO. Are you old enough to marry, do you think?Won't you wait till you are eighty in the shade?There's a fascination franticIn a ruin that's romantic;Do you think you are sufficiently decayed?KAT. To the matter that you mentionI have given some attention,And I think I am sufficiently decayed.BOTH. If that is so,Sing derry down derry!It's evident, very,Our tastes are one!Away we'll go,And merrily marry,Nor tardily tarryTill day is done![Exeunttogether.Flourish. Enter the Mikado, attended by Pish-Tush and Court.MIK. Now then, we've had a capital lunch, and we're quiteready. Have all the painful preparations been made?PISH. Your Majesty, all is prepared.MIK. Then produce the unfortunate gentleman and his twowell-meaning but misguided accomplices.Enter Ko-Ko, Katisha, Pooh-Bah, and Pitti-Sing. They throwthemselvesat the Mikado's feetKAT. Mercy! Mercy for Ko-Ko! Mercy for Pitti-Sing! Mercyeven for Pooh-Bah!MIK. I beg your pardon, I don't think I quite caught thatremark.POOH. Mercy even for Pooh-Bah.KAT. Mercy! My husband that was to have been is dead, andI have just married this miserable object.MIK. Oh! You've not been long about it!KO. We were married before the Registrar.POOH. I am the Registrar.MIK. I see. But my difficulty is that, as you have slainthe Heir Apparent——Enter Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum. They kneel.NANK. The Heir Apparent is not slain.MIK. Bless my heart, my son!YUM. And your daughter-in-law elected!KAT. (seizing Ko-Ko). Traitor, you have deceived me!MIK. Yes, you are entitled to a little explanation, but Ithink he will give it better whole than in pieces.KO. Your Majesty, it's like this: It is true that I statedthat I had killed Nanki-Poo——MIK. Yes, with most affecting particulars.POOH. Merely corroborative detail intended to give artisticverisimilitude to a bald and——KO. Will you refrain from putting in your oar? (ToMikado.) It's like this: When your Majesty says, "Let a thing bedone," it's as good as done—practically, it is done—becauseyour Majesty's will is law. Your Majesty says, "Kill agentleman," and a gentleman is told off to be killed.Consequently, that gentleman is as good as dead—practically, heis dead—and if he is dead, why not say so?MIK. I see. Nothing could possibly be more satisfactory!FINALE.PITTI. For he's gone and married Yum-Yum—ALL. Yum-Yum!PITTI. Your anger pray bury,For all will be merry,I think you had better succumb—ALL. Cumb—cumb.PITTI. And join our expressions of glee!KO. On this subject I pray you be dumb—ALL. Dumb—dumb!KO. Your notions, though many,Are not worth a penny,The word for your guidance is "Mum"—ALL. Mum—Mum!KO. You've a very good bargain in me.ALL. On this subject we pray you be dumb—Dumb—dumb!We think you had better succumb—Cumb—cumb!You'll find there are manyWho'll wed for a penny,There are lots of good fish in the sea.YUM. and NANK. The threatened cloud has passed away,And brightly shines the dawning day;What though the night may come too soon,We've years and years of afternoon!ALL. Then let the throngOur joy advance,With laughing songAnd merry dance,With joyous shout and ringing cheer,Inaugurate our new career!Then let the throng, etc.