No. 8. How say you, maiden, will you wed(TRIO)Elsie, Point, and LieutenantLIEUT. How say you, maiden, will you wedA man about to lose his head?For half an hourYou'll be his wife,And then the dowerIs your for life.A headless bridegroom why refuse?If truth the poets tell,Most bridegrooms, 'ere they marry,Lose both head and heart as well!ELSIE A strange proposal you reveal,It almost makes my senses reel.Alas! I'm very poor indeed,And such a sum I sorely need.My mother, sir, is like to die.This money life may bring.Bear this in mind, I pray,If I consent to do this thing!POINT Though as a general rule of lifeI don't allow my promised wife,My lovely bride that is to be,To marry anyone but me,Yet if the fee is promptly paid,And he, in well-earned grave,Within the hour is duly laid,Objection I will waive!Yes, objection I will waive!ALL Temptation, oh, temptation,Were we, I pray, intendedTo shun, what e'er our station,Your fascinations splendid;Or fall, whene'er we view you,Head over heels into you?Head over heels, Head over heels,Head over heels into you!Head over heels, Head over heels,Head over heels, Right into you!Head over heels, Head over heels, etc.Temptation, oh, temptation![During this, the LIEUTENANT has whispered to WILFRED(who has entered). WILFRED binds ELSIE's eyes with akerchief, and leads her into the Cold Harbour TowerLIEUT. And so, good fellow, you are a jester?POINT Aye, sir, and like some of my jests, out of place.LIEUT. I have a vacancy for such an one. Tell me, what areyour qualifications for such a post?POINT Marry, sir, I have a pretty wit. I can rhyme youextempore; I can convulse you with quip andconundrum;I have the lighter philosophies at mytongue's tip; I can be merry, wise, quaint, grim, andsardonic, one by one, or all at once; I have a prettyturn for anecdote; I know all the jests— ancient andmodern— past, present, and to come; I can riddle youfrom dawn of day to set of sun, and, if that contentyou not, well on to midnight and the small hours. Oh,sir, a pretty wit, I warrant you— a pretty, prettywit!
No. 9. I've jibe and joke(SONG)PointPOINT I've jibe and jokeAnd quip and crankFor lowly folkAnd men of rank.I ply my craftAnd know no fear.But aim my shaftAt prince or peer.At peer or prince— at prince or peer,I aim my shaft and know no fear!I've wisdom from the East and from the West,That's subject to no academic rule;You may find it in the jeering of a jest,Or distil it from the folly of a fool.I can teach you with a quip, if I've a mind;I can trick you into learning with a laugh;Oh, winnow all my folly, folly, folly, andyou'll findA grain or two of truth among the chaff!Oh, winnow all my folly, folly, folly, andyou'll findA grain or two of truth among the chaff!I can set a braggart quailing with a quip,The upstart I can wither with a whim;He may wear a merry laugh upon his lip,But his laughter has an echo that is grim.When they're offered to the world in merryguise,Unpleasant truths are swallowed with a will,For he who'd make his fellow,fellow, fellow creatures wiseShould always gild the philosophic pill!For he who'd make his fellow,fellow, fellow creatures wiseShould always gild the philosophic pill!LIEUT. And how came you to leave your last employ?POINT Why, sir, it was in this wise. My Lord was theArchbishop of Canterbury, and it was considered thatone of my jokes was unsuited to His Grace's familycircle. In truth, I ventured to ask a poor riddle,sir— Wherein lay the difference between His Grace andpoor Jack Point? His Grace was pleased to give it up,sir. And thereupon I told him that whereas His Gracewas paid 10,000 a year for being good, poor Jack Pointwas good— for nothing. 'Twas but a harmless jest, butit offended His Grace, who whipped me and set me inthe stocks for a scurril rogue, and so we parted. Ihad as lief not take post again with the dignifiedclergy.LIEUT. But I trust you are very careful not to give offence.I have daughters.POINT Sir, my jests are most carefully selected, andanything objectionable is expunged. If your honourpleases, I will try then first on your honour'schaplain.LIEUT. Can you give me an example? Say that I had sat me downhurriedly on something sharp?POINT Sir, I should say that you had sat down on the spur ofthe moment.LIEUT. Humph! I don't think much of that. Is that the bestyou can do?POINT It has always been much admired, sir, but we will tryagain.LIEUT. Well, then, I am at dinner, and the joint of meat isbut half cooked.POINT Why then, sir, I should say that what is underdonecannot be helped.LIEUT. I see. I think that manner of thing would be somewhatirritating.POINT At first, sir, perhaps; but use is everything, and youwould come in time to like it.LIEUT. We will suppose that I caught you kissing the kitchenwench under my very nose.POINT Under her very nose, good sir— not under yours! Thatis where I would kiss her. Do you take me? Oh, sir, apretty wit— a pretty, pretty wit!LIEUT. The maiden comes. Follow me, friend, and we willdiscuss this matter at length in my library.POINT I am your worship's servant. That is to say, I trustI soon shall be. But, before proceeding to a moreserious topic, can you tell me, sir, why a cook'sbrain-pan is like an overwound clock?LIEUT. A truce to this fooling— follow me.POINT Just my luck; my best conundrum wasted![Exeunt LIEUTENANT and POINT. Enter ELSIE from Tower, ledby WILFRED, who removes the bandage from her eyes, andexits.No. 10. 'Tis done! I am a bride!(RECITATIVE AND SONG)ElsieELSIE 'Tis done! I am a bride! Oh, little ring,That bearest in thy circlet all the gladnessThat lovers hope for, and that poets sing,What bringest thou to me but gold and sadness?A bridegroom all unknown, save in this wise,To-day he dies! To-day, alas, he dies!Though tear and long-drawn sighIll fit a bride,No sadder wife than IThe whole world wide!Ah me! Ah me!Yet maids there beWho would consent to loseThe very rose of youth,The flow'r of life,To be, in honest truth,A wedded wife,No matter whose!No matter whose!Ah me! what profit we,O maids that sigh,Though gold, though gold should liveIf wedded love must die?Ere half an hour has rung,A widow I!Ah, heaven, he is too young,Too brave to die!Ah me! Ah me!Yet wives there beSo weary worn, I trow,That they would scarce complain,So that they couldIn half an hour attainTo widowhood,No matter how!No matter how!O weary wivesWho widowhood would win,Rejoice, rejoice, that ye have timeTo weary in.O weary wivesWho widowhood would win,Rejoice, rejoice, rejoice,that ye have timeO weary, weary wives, rejoice![Exit ELSIE as WILFRED re-enters.WILFRED [looking after ELSIE] 'Tis an odd freak for a dyingman and his confessor to be closeted alone with astrange singing girl. I would fain have espied them,but they stopped up the keyhole. My keyhole![Enter PHOEBE with SERGEANT MERYLL. MERYLL remains in thebackground, unobserved by WILFRED.PHOEBE [aside] Wilfred— and alone!WILFRED Now what could he have wanted with her? That's whatpuzzles me!PHOEBE [aside] Now to get the keys from him.[Aloud] Wilfred— has no reprieve arrived?WILFRED None. Thine adored Fairfax is to die.PHOEBE Nay, thou knowest that I have naught but pity for thepoor condemned gentleman.WILFRED I know that he who is about to die is more to theethan I, who am alive and well.PHOEBE Why, that were out of reason, dear Wilfred. Do theynot say that a live ass is better than a dead lion?No, I didn't mean that!WILFRED Oh, they say that, do they?PHOEBE It's unpardonably rude of them, but I believe they putit in that way. Not that it applies to thee, who artclever beyond all telling!WILFRED Oh yes, as an assistant-tormentor.PHOEBE Nay, as a wit, as a humorist, as a most philosophiccommentator on the vanity of human resolution.[PHOEBE slyly takes bunch of keys from WILFRED's waistbandand hands them to MERYLL, who enters the Tower, unnoticedby WILFRED.WILFRED Truly, I have seen great resolution give way under mypersuasive methods [working with a small thumbscrew].In the nice regulation of a thumbscrew— in thehundredth part of a single revolution lieth all thedifference between stony reticence and a torrent ofimpulsive unbosoming that the pen can scarcely follow.Ha! ha! I am a mad wag.PHOEBE [with a grimace] Thou art a most light-hearted anddelightful companion, Master Wilfred. Thine anecdotesof the torture-chamber are the prettiest hearing.WILFRED I'm a pleasant fellow an' I choose. I believe I am themerriest dog that barks. Ah, we might be passing happytogether—PHOEBE Perhaps. I do not know.WILFRED For thou wouldst make a most tender and loving wife.PHOEBE Aye, to one whom I really loved. For there is a wealthof love within this little heart— saving up for— Iwonder whom? Now, of all the world of men, I wonderwhom? To think that he whom I am to wed is now aliveand somewhere! Perhaps far away, perhaps close athand! And I know him not! It seemeth that I am wastingtime in not knowing him.WILFRED Now say that it is I— nay! suppose it for the nonce.Say that we are wed— suppose it only— say that thouart my very bride, and I thy cherry, joyous, bright,frolicsome husband— and that, the day's work beingdone, and the prisoners stored away for the night,thou and I are alone together— with a long, longevening before us!PHOEBE [with a grimace] It is a pretty picture— but Iscarcely know. It cometh so unexpectedly— and yet—andyet— were I thy bride—WILFRED Aye!— wert thou my bride—?PHOEBE Oh, how I would love thee!
No. 11. Were I thy bride(SONG)PhoebePHOEBE Were I thy bride,Then all the world besideWere not too wideTo hold my wealth of love—Were I thy bride!Upon thy breastMy loving head would rest,As on her nestThe tender turtle dove—Were I thy bride!This heart of mineWould be one heart with thine,And in that shrineOur happiness would dwell—Were I thy bride!And all day longOur lives should be a song:No grief, no wrongShould make my heart rebel—Were I thy bride!The silvery flute,The melancholy lute,Were night-owl's hootTo my low-whispered coo—Were I thy bride!The skylark's trillWere but discordance shrillTo the soft thrillOf wooing as I'd woo—Were I thy bride![MERYLL re-enters; gives keys to PHOEBE, who replacesthem at WILFRED's girdle, unnoticed by him. ExitMERYLL.The rose's sighWere as a carrion's cryTo lullabySuch as I'd sing to thee,Were I thy bride!A feather's pressWere leaden heaviness to my caress.But then, of course, you see,I'm not thy bride.[Exit PHOEBEWILFRED No, thou'rt not— not yet! But, Lord, how she woo'd; Ishould be no mean judge of wooing, seeing that I havebeen more hotly woo'd than most men. I have been woo'dby maid, widow, and wife. I have been woo'd boldly,timidly, tearfully, shyly— by direct assault, bysuggestion, by implication, by inference, and byinnuendo. But this wooing is not of the common order;it is the wooing of one who must needs me, if she diefor it![Exit WILFRED. Enter SERGEANT MERRILL, cautiously, fromTower.MERYLL [looking after them] The deed is, so far, safelyaccomplished. The slyboots, how she wheedled him! Whata helpless ninny is a love-sick man! He is but as alute in a woman's hands— she plays upon him whatevertune she will. But the Colonel comes. I' faith, he'sjust in time, for the Yeomen parade here for hisexecution in two minutes![Enter FAIRFAX, without beard and moustache, and dressed inYeoman's uniform.FAIRFAX My good and kind friend, thou runnest a grave risk forme!MERYLL Tut, sir, no risk. I'll warrant none here willrecognise you. You make a brave Yeoman, sir! So— thisruff is too high; so— and the sword should hang thus.Here is your halbert, sir; carry it thus. The Yeomencome. Now, remember, you are my brave son, LeonardMeryll.FAIRFAX If I may not bear mine own name, there is none otherI would bear so readily.MERYLL Now, sir, put a bold face on it, for they come.
No. 12. Oh, Sergeant Meryll, is it true(FINALE OF ACT I)Ensemble[Enter YEOMEN of the GuardYEOMEN Oh, Sergeant Meryll, is it true—The welcome news we read in orders?Thy son, whose deeds of derring-doAre echoed all the country through,Has come to join the Tower Warders?If so, we come to meet him,That we may fitly greet him,And welcome his arrival hereWith shout on shout and cheer on cheer,Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!MERYLL Ye Tower warders, nursed in war's alarms,Suckled on gunpowder, and weaned on glory,Behold my son, whose all-subduing armsHave formed the theme of many a song and story!Forgive his aged father's pride; nor jeerHis aged father's sympathetic tear![Pretending to weep]YEOMEN Leonard Meryll!Leonard Meryll!Dauntless he in time of peril!Man of power,Knighthood's flower,Welcome to the grim old Tower,To the Tower, welcome thou!FAIRFAX Forbear, my friends, and spare me this ovation,I have small claim to such consideration;The tales that of my prowess are narratedHave been prodigiously exaggerated,prodigiously exaggerated!YEOMEN 'Tis ever thus!Wherever valor true is found,True modesty will there abound.1ST YEOMAN Didst thou not, oh, Leonard Meryll!Standard lost in last campaign,Rescue it at deadly peril—Bear it safely back again?YEOMEN Leonard Meryll, at his peril,Bore it safely back again!2ND YEOMAN Didst thou not, when prisoner taken,And debarred from all escape,Face, with gallant heart unshaken,Death in most appalling shape?YEOMEN Leonard Meryll, faced his peril,Death in most appalling shape!FAIRFAX [aside] Truly I was to be pitied,Having but an hour to live,I reluctantly submitted,I had no alternative!FAIRFAX [aloud] Oh! the tales that are narratedOf my deeds of derring-doHave been much exaggerated,Very much exaggerated,Scarce a word of them is true!Scarce a word of them is true!YEOMEN They are not exaggerated,Not at all exaggerated,Could not be exaggerated,Ev'ry word of them is true!3RD YEOMAN [optional] You, when brought to execution,Like a demigod of yore,With heroic resolutionSnatched a sword and killed a score.YEOMEN [optional] Leonard Meryll, Leonard MeryllSnatched a sword and killed a score!4TH YEOMAN [optional] Then escaping from the foemen,Boltered with the blood you shed,You, defiant, fearing no men,Saved your honour and your head!YEOMEN [optional] Leonard Meryll, Leonard MeryllSaved his honour and his head.FAIRFAX [optional] True, my course with judgementshaping,Favoured, too, by lucky star,I succeeded in escapingPrison-bolt and prison bar!FAIRFAX [optional] Oh! the tales that are narratedOf my deeds of derring-doHave been much exaggerated,Very much exaggerated,Scarce a word of them is true!Scarce a word of them is true!YEOMEN [optional] They are not exaggerated,Not at all exaggerated,Could not be exaggerated,Ev'ry word of them is true![Enter PHOEBE. She rushes to FAIRFAX. Enter WILFRED.PHOEBE Leonard!FAIRFAX [puzzled] I beg your pardon?PHOEBE Don't you know me? I'm little Phoebe!FAIRFAX [still puzzled] Phoebe? Is this Phoebe?What! little Phoebe?[aside] Who the deuce may she be?It can't be Phoebe, surely?WILFRED Yes, 'tis Phoebe—Your sister Phoebe! Your own little sister!YEOMEN Aye, he speaks the truth; 'Tis Phoebe!FAIRFAX [pretending to recognise her]Sister Phoebe!PHOEBE Oh, my brother!FAIRFAX Why, how you've grown!I did not recognize you!PHOEBE So many years! Oh, brother!FAIRFAX Oh, my sister!BOTH Oh, brother!/Oh, sister!WILFRED Aye, hug him, girl!There are three thou mayst hug—Thy father and thy brother and— myself!FAIRFAX Thyself, forsooth?And who art thou thyself?WILFRED Good sir, we are betrothed.[FAIRFAX turns inquiringly to PHOEBEPHOEBE Or more or less—But rather less than more!WILFRED To thy fond careI do commend thy sister.Be to herAn ever-watchful guardian— eagle-eyed!And when she feels (as sometimes she does feel)Disposed to indiscriminate caress,Be thou at hand to take those favours from her!YEOMEN Be thou at hand to take those favours from her!PHOEBE Yes, yes.Be thou at hand to take those favours from me!WILFRED To thy fraternal careThy sister I commend;From every lurking snareThy lovely charge defend;And to achieve this end,Oh! grant, I pray, this boon—Oh! grant this boonShe shall not quit my sight;From morn to afternoon—From afternoon to night—From sev'n o'clock to two—From two to eventide—From dim twilight to 'lev'n at night,From dim twilight to 'lev'n at nightShe shall not quit my side!YEOMEN From morn to afternoon—From afternoon to 'lev'n at nightShe shall not quit thy side!PHOEBE So amiable I've grown,So innocent as well,That if I'm left aloneThe consequences fellNo mortal can foretell.So grant, I pray, this boon—Oh! grant this boonI shall not quit thy sight:From morn to afternoon—From afternoon to night—From sev'n o'clock to two—From two to eventide—From dim twilight to 'lev'n at nightFrom dim twilight to 'lev'n at nightI shall not quit thy side!YEOMEN From morn to afternoon—From afternoon to 'lev'n at nightShe shall not quit thy side!FAIRFAX With brotherly readiness,For my fair sister's sake,At once I answer "Yes"—That task I undertake—My word I never break.I freely grant that boon,And I'll repeat my plight.From morn to afternoon— [kiss]From afternoon to night— [kiss]From sev'n o'clock to two— [kiss]From two to evening meal— [kiss]From dim twilight to 'lev'n at night,From dim twilight to 'lev'n at night,That compact I will seal. [kiss]YEOMEN From morn to afternoon,From afternoon to 'lev'n at nightHe freely grants that boon.[The bell of St. Peter's begins to toll. The CROWD enters;the block is brought on to the stage, and the HEADSMANtakes his place. The YEOMEN of the Guard form up. TheLIEUTENANT enters and takes his place, and tells offFAIRFAX and two others to bring the prisoner to execution.WILFRED, FAIRFAX, and TWO YEOMEN exeunt to Tower.CHORUS The prisoner comes to meet his doom;The block, the headsman, and the tomb.The funeral bell begins to toll;May Heav'n have mercy on his soul!May Heav'n have mercy on his soul!ELSIE Oh, Mercy, thou whose smile has shoneSo many a captive heart upon;Of all immured within these walls,To-day the very worthiest falls!ALL Oh, Mercy, thou whose smile has shoneSo many a captive heart upon;Of all immured within these walls,The very worthiest falls.Oh, Mercy, Oh, Mercy![Enter FAIRFAX and TWO YEOMEN from Tower in greatexcitement.FAIRFAX My lord! I know not how to tellThe news I bear!I and my comrades sought the pris'ner's cell—He is not there!ALL He is not there!They sought the pris'ner's cell—he is not there!FAIRFAX ANDTWO YEOMEN As escort for the prisonerWe sought his cell, in duty bound;The double gratings open were,No prisoner at all we found!We hunted high, we hunted low,We hunted here, we hunted there—The man we sought with anxious careHad vanished into empty air!The man we sought with anxious careHad vanished into empty air![Exit LIEUTENANTWOMEN Now, by my troth, the news is fair,The man has vanished into air!ALL As escort for the prisonerWe/they sought his cell in duty bound;The double gratings open were,No prisoner at all we/they found,We/they hunted high, we/they hunted low,We/they hunted here, we/they hunted there,The man we/they sought with anxious careHad vanished into empty air!The man we/they sought with anxious careHad vanished into empty air![Enter WILFRED, followed by LIEUTENANTLIEUT. Astounding news! The pris'ner fled![To WILFRED] Thy life shall forfeit be instead![WILFRED is arrestedWILFRED My lord, I did not set him free,I hate the man— my rival he!MERYLL The pris'ner gone— I'm all agape!LIEUT. Thy life shall forfeit be instead!MERYLL Who could have helped him to escape?WILFRED My lord, I did not set him free!PHOEBE Indeed I can't imagine who!I've no idea at all, have you?[Enter JACK POINTDAME Of his escape no traces lurk,Enchantment must have been at work!ELSIE [aside to POINT]What have I done? Oh, woe is me!PHOEBE & DAME Indeed I can't imagine who!I've no idea at all, have you?ELSIE I am his wife, and he is free!POINT Oh, woe is you? Your anguish sink!Oh, woe is me, I rather think!Oh, woe is me, I rather think!Yes, woe is me, I rather think!Whate'er betideYou are his bride,And I am leftAlone— bereft!Yes, woe is me, I rather think!Yes, woe is me, I rather think!Yes, woe is me, Yes, woe is me, Yes, woe is me,Yes, woe is me, I rather think!ENSEMBLE All frenzied with despair I/they rave,The grave is cheated of its due.Who is, who is the misbegotten knaveWho hath contrived this deed to do?Let search, let searchBe made throughout the land,Or his/my vindictive anger dread—A thousand marks, a thousand markshe'll/I'll handWho brings him here, alive or dead,Who brings him here, alive or dead!A thousand marks, a thousand marks,Alive, alive or deadAlive, alive or deadWho brings him here, alive, alive, or dead.[At the end, ELSIE faints in FAIRFAX's arms; all the YEOMENand CROWD rush off the stage in different directions, tohunt for the fugitive, leaving only the HEADSMAN on thestage, and ELSIE insensible in FAIRFAX's arms.END OF ACT I
[SCENE.— The same— Moonlight.][Two days have elapsed.][WOMEN and YEOMEN of the Guard discovered.
No. 13. Night has spread her pall once more(CHORUS AND SOLO)People, Yeomen, and Dame CarruthersCHORUS Night has spread her pall once more,And the pris'ner still is free:Open is his dungeon door,Useless now his dungeon key.He has shaken off his yoke—How, no mortal man can tell!Shame on loutish jailor-folk—Shame on sleepy sentinel![Enter DAME CARRUTHERS and KATEDAME Warders are ye?Whom do ye ward?Warders are ye?Whom do ye ward?Bolt, bar, and key,Shackle and cord,Fetter and chain,Dungeon and stone,All are in vain—Prisoner's flown!Spite of ye all, he is free— he is free!Whom do ye ward? Pretty warders are ye!WOMEN Pretty warders are ye!Whom do ye ward?Spite of ye all, he is free— he is free!Whom do ye ward?Pretty warders are ye!MEN Up and down, and in and out,Here and there, and round about;Ev'ry chamber, ev'ry house,Ev'ry chink that holds a mouse,Ev'ry crevice in the keep,Where a beetle black could creep,Ev'ry outlet, ev'ry drain,Have we searched, but all in vain, all in vain.WOMEN Warders are ye?Whom do ye ward?MEN Ev'ry house, ev'ry chink, ev'ry drain,WOMEN Warders are ye?Whom do ye ward?MEN Ev'ry chamber, ev'ry outlet,Have we searched, but all in vain.WOMEN Night has spread her pall once more,And the pris'ner still is free:MEN Warders are we? Whom do we ward?Whom do we ward?Warders are we? Whom do we ward?Whom do we ward?WOMEN Open is his dungeon door,Useless his dungeon key!ALL Spite of us all, he is free, he is free!MEN Pretty warders are we, he is free!Spite of us all, he is free, he is free!WOMEN Open is his dungeon door,MEN Spite of us all, he is free, he is free!Pretty warders are we, he is free! He is free!WOMEN He is free! He is free!Pretty warders are ye,ALL He is free! He is free!Pretty warders are ye/we![Exeunt all.[Enter JACK POINT, in low spirits, reading from a hugevolumePOINT [reads] "The Merrie Jestes of Hugh Ambrose, No.7863.The Poor Wit and the Rich Councillor. A certaynepoor wit, being an-hungered, did meet a well-fedcouncillor.'Marry, fool,' quothe the councillor,'whither away?' 'In truth,' said the poor wag, 'inthat I have eaten naught these two dayes, I do witheraway, and that right rapidly!' The Councillor laughedhugely, and gave him a sausage." Humph! the councillorwas easier to please than my new master theLieutenant. I would like to take post under thatcouncillor. Ah! 'tis but melancholy mumming when poorheart-broken, jilted Jack Point must needs turn toHugh Ambrose for original light humour![Enter WILFRED, also in low spirits.WILFRED [sighing] Ah, Master Point!POINT [changing his manner] Ha! friend jailer! Jailer thatwast— jailer that never shalt be more! Jailer thatjailed not, or that jailed, if jail he did, sounjailery that 'twas but jerry-jailing, or jailing injoke— though no joke to him who, by unjailerlikejailing, did so jeopardise his jailership. Come, takeheart, smile, laugh, wink, twinkle, thou tormentorthat tormentest none— thou racker that rackest not—thou pincher out of place— come, take heart, and bemerry, as I am!— [aside, dolefully]— as I am!WILFRED Aye, it's well for thee to laugh. Thou hast a goodpost, and hast cause to be merry.POINT [bitterly] Cause? Have we not all cause? Is not theworld a big butt of humour, into which all who willmay drive a gimlet? See, I am a salaried wit; and isthere aught in nature more ridiculous? A poor, dull,heart-broken man, who must needs be merry, or he willbe whipped; who must rejoice, lest he starve; who mustjest you, jibe you, quip you, crank you, wrack you,riddle you, from hour to hour, from day to day, fromyear to year, lest he dwindle, perish, starve,pine,and die! Why, when there's naught else to laughat, I laugh at myself till I ache for it!WILFRED Yet I have often thought that a jester's calling wouldsuit me to a hair.POINT Thee? Would suit thee, thou death's head and cross-bones?WILFRED Aye, I have a pretty wit— a light, airy, joysome wit,spiced with anecdotes of prison cells and the torturechamber. Oh, a very delicate wit! I have tried it onmany a prisoner, and there have been some who smiled.Now it is not easy to make a prisoner smile. And itshould not be difficult to be a good jester, seeingthat thou are one.POINT Difficult? Nothing easier. Nothing easier. Attend, andI will prove it to thee!No. 14. Oh! a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon(SONG)PointPOINT Oh! a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon,If you listen to popular rumour;From morning to night he's so joyous and bright,And he bubbles with wit and good humour!He's so quaint and so terse,Both in prose and in verse;Yet though people forgive his transgression,There are one or two rules that all family foolsMust observe, if they love their profession.There are one or two rules,Half-a-dozen, maybe,That all family fools,Of whatever degree,Must observe if they love their profession.If you wish to succeed as a jester, you'll needTo consider each person's auricular:What is all right for B would quite scandalize C(For C is so very particular);And D may be dull, and E's very thick skullIs as empty of brains as a ladle;While F is F sharp, and will cry with a carp,That he's known your best joke from his cradle!When your humour they flout,You can't let yourself go;And it does put you outWhen a person says, "Oh!I have known that old joke from my cradle!"If your master is surly, from getting up early(And tempers are short in the morning),An inopportune joke is enough to provokeHim to give you, at once, a month's warning.Then if you refrain, he is at you again,For he likes to get value for money:He'll ask then and there, with an insolent stare,"If you know that you're paid to be funny?"It adds to the tasksOf a merryman's place,When your principal asks,With a scowl on his face,If you know that you're paid to be funny?Comes a Bishop, maybe, or a solemn D.D.—Oh, beware of his anger provoking!Better not pull his hair—Don't stick pins in his chair;He won't understand practical joking.If the jests that you crack have an orthodox smack,You may get a bland smile from these sages;But should it, by chance, be imported from France,Half-a-crown is stopped out of your wages!It's a general rule,Tho' your zeal it may quench,If the Family FoolMakes a joke that's too French,Half-a-crown is stopped out of his wages!Though your head it may rack with a bilious attack,And your senses with toothache you're losing,And you're mopy and flat—they don't fine you for thatIf you're properly quaint and amusing!Though your wife ran away with a soldier that day,And took with her your trifle of money;Bless your heart, they don't mind—they're exceedingly kind—They don't blame you—as long as you're funny!It's a comfort to feelIf your partner should flit,Though you suffer a deal,They don't mind it a bit—They don't blame you—so long as you're funny!POINT And so thou wouldst be a jester eh?WILFRED Aye!POINT Now, listen! My sweetheart, Elsie Maynard, wassecretly wed to this Fairfax half an hour ere heescaped.WILFRED She did well.POINT She did nothing of the kind, so hold thy peace andperpend. Now, while he liveth she is dead to me and Ito her, and so, my jibes and jokes notwithstanding, Iam the saddest and the sorriest dog in England!WILFRED Thou art a very dull dog indeed.POINT Now, if thou wilt swear that thou didst shoot thisFairfax while he was trying to swim across the river—it needs but the discharge of an arquebus on a darknight— and that he sank and was seen no more, I'llmake thee the very Archbishop of jesters, and that intwo days'time! Now, what sayest thou?WILFRED I am to lie?POINT Heartily. But thy lie must be a lie of circumstance,which I will support with the testimony of eyes,ears,and tongue.WILFRED And thou wilt qualify me as a jester?POINT As a jester among jesters. I will teach thee all myoriginal songs, my self-constructed riddles, my owningenious paradoxes; nay, more, I will reveal to theethe source whence I get them. Now, what sayest thou?WILFRED Why, if it be but a lie thou wantest of me, I hold itcheap enough, and I say yes, it is a bargain!No. 15. Hereupon we're both agreed(DUET)Point and WilfredBOTH Hereupon we're both agreed,All that we twoDo agree toWe'll secure by solemn deed,To prevent allError mental.POINT You on Elsie are to callWith a storyGrim and gory;WILFRED How this Fairfax died, and allI declare toYou're to swear to.POINT I to swear to!WILFRED I declare to,POINT I to swear to!WILFRED I declare to,BOTH I to swear to,/I declare to,You declare to,/You're to swear to,I to swear to,/I declare to.BOTH Tell a tale of cock and bull,Of convincing detail fullTale tremendous,Heav'n defend us!What a tale of cock and bull!In return for your/my own partYou are/I am making, undertakingTo instruct me/you in the art(Art amazing, wonder raising)POINT Of a jester, jesting free.Proud position—High ambition!WILFRED And a lively one I'll be,Wag-a-wagging,Never flagging!POINT Wag-a-wagging,WILFRED Never flagging,POINT Wag-a-wagging,WILFRED Never flagging,BOTH Never flagging,/Wag-a-wagging,Wag-a-wagging,/Never flagging,Never flagging,/Wag-a-wagging!BOTH Tell a tale of cock and bull,Of convincing detail fullTale tremendous,Heav'n defend us!What a tale of cock and bull!POINT What a tale of cock,WILFRED What a tale of bull!POINT What a tale of cock,WILFRED What a tale of bull!BOTH What a tale of cock and bull,Cock and bull, cock and bull,Heav'n defend us!What a tale of cock and bull![Exeunt together.[Enter FAIRFAXFAIRFAX Two days gone, and no news of poor Fairfax. The dolts!They seek him everywhere save within a dozen yards ofhis dungeon. So I am free! Free, but for the cursedhaste with which I hurried headlong into the bonds ofmatrimony with— Heaven knows whom! As far as Iremember, she should have been young; but even had nother face been concealed by her kerchief, I doubtwhether, in my then plight, I should have taken muchnote of her. Free? Bah! The Tower bonds were but athread of silk compared with these conjugal fetterswhich I, fool that I was, placed upon mine own hands.From the one I broke readily enough— how to break theother!