Enter Lady Sophy — an English lady of mature years andextreme gravity of demeanour and dress. She carries a lecturer'swand in her hand. She is led on by the King, who expresses greatregard and admiration for her.RECITATIVE — Lady SophyThis morning we propose to illustrateA course of maiden courtship, from the startTo the triumphant matrimonial finish.(Through the following song the two Princesses illustrate ingesture the description given by Lady Sophy.)SONG — Lady SophyBold-faced ranger(Perfect stranger)Meets two well-behaved young ladies.He's attractive,Young and active—Each a little bit afraid is.Youth advances,At his glancesTo their danger they awaken;They repel himAs they tell himHe is very much mistaken.Though they speak to him politely,Please observe they're sneering slightly,Just to show he's acting vainly.This is Virtue saying plainly"Go away, young bachelor,We are not what you take us for!"When addressed impertinently,English ladies answer gently,"Go away, young bachelor,We are not what you take us for!"As he gazes,Hat he raises,Enters into conversation.Makes excuses—This producesInteresting agitation.He, with daring,Undespairing,Give his card—his rank disclosesLittle heedingThis proceeding,They turn up their little noses.Pray observe this lesson vital—When a man of rank and titleHis position first discloses,Always cock your little noses.When at home, let all the classTry this in the looking glass.English girls of well bred notions,Shun all unrehearsed emotions.English girls of highest classPractice them before the glass.His intentionsThen he mentions.Something definite to go on—Makes recitalsOf his titles,Hints at settlements, and so on.Smiling sweetly,They, discreetly,Ask for further evidences:Thus invited,He, delighted,Gives the usual references:This is business. Each is flutteredWhen the offer's fairly uttered."Which of them has his affection?"He declines to make selection.Do they quarrel for his dross?Not a bit of it—they toss!Please observe this cogent moral—English ladies never quarrel.When a doubt they come across,English ladies always toss.RECITATIVE — Lady SophyThe lecture's ended. In ten minute's space'Twill be repeated in the market-place!(Exit Lady Sophy, followed by Nekaya andKalyba.)Chorus: Quaff the nectar—cull the roses—Bashful girls will soon be plenty!Maid who thus at fifteen posesOught to be divine at twenty!(Exeunt all but KING.)King: I requested Scaphio and Phantis to be so good as tofavor me with an audience this morning. (Enter SCAPHIO andPHANTIS.) Oh, here they are!Scaphio: Your Majesty wished to speak with us, I believe.You—you needn't keep your crown on, on our account, youknow.King: I beg your pardon. (Removes it.) I always forget that!Odd, the notion of a King not being allowed to wear one of his owncrowns in the presence of two of his own subjects.Phantis: Yes—bizarre, is it not?King: Most quaint. But then it's a quaint world.Phantis: Teems with quiet fun. I often think what a lucky thingit is that you are blessed with such a keen sense of humor!King: Do you know, I find it invaluable. Do what I will, Icannot help looking at the humorous side of things—for,properly considered, everything has its humorous side—eventhe Palace Peeper (producing it). See here—"Another RoyalScandal," by Junius Junior. "How long is this to last?" by SenexSenior. "Ribald Royalty," by Mercury Major. "Where is the PublicExploder?" by Mephistopheles Minor. When I reflect that all theseoutrageous attacks on my morality are written by me, at yourcommand—well, it's one of the funniest things that havecome within the scope of my experience.Scaphio: Besides, apart from that, they have a quiet humor oftheir own which is simply irresistible.King: (gratified) Not bad, I think. Biting, trenchantsarcasm—the rapier, not the bludgeon—that's my line.But then it's so easy—I'm such a good subject—a badKing but a good Subject—ha! ha!—a capital heading fornext week's leading article! (makes a note) And then thestinging little paragraphs about our Royal goings-on with ourRoyal Second Housemaid—delicately sub-acid, are they not?Scaphio: My dear King, in that kind of thing no one can hold acandle to you.Phantis: But the crowning joke is the Comic Opera you've writtenfor us—"King Tuppence, or A Good Deal Less than Half aSovereign"—in which the celebrated English tenor, Mr.Wilkinson, burlesques your personal appearance and gives grotesqueimitations of your Royal peculiarities. It's immense!King: Ye—es—That's what I wanted to speak to youabout. Now I've not the least doubt but that even that has itshumorous side too—if one could only see it. As a rule I'mpretty quick at detecting latent humor—but I confess I donot quite see where it comes in, in this particular instance. It'sso horribly personal!Scaphio: Personal? Yes, of course it's personal—butconsider the antithetical humor of the situation.King: Yes. I—I don't think I've quite grasped that.Scaphio: No? You surprise me. Why, consider. During the daythousands tremble at your frown, during the night (from 8 to 11)thousands roar at it. During the day your most arbitrarypronouncements are received by your subjects with abjectsubmission—during the night, they shout with joy at yourmost terrible decrees. It's not every monarch who enjoys theprivilege of undoing by night all the despotic absurdities he'scommitted during the day.King: Of course! Now I see it! Thank you very much. I wassure it had its humorous side, and it was very dull of me not tohave seen it before. But, as I said just now, it's a quaintworld.Phantis: Teems with quiet fun.King: Yes. Properly considered, what a farce life is, to besure!SONG — King.First you're born—and I'll be bound youFind a dozen strangers round you."Hallo," cries the new-born baby,"Where's my parents? which may they be?"Awkward silence—no reply—Puzzled baby wonders why!Father rises, bows politely—Mother smiles (but not too brightly)—Doctor mumbles like a dumb thing—Nurse is busy mixing something.—Every symptom tends to showYou're decidedly de trop—All: Ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho!Time's teetotum,If you spin it,Gives it quotumOnce a minute.I'll go bailYou hit the nail,And if you fail,The deuce is in it!King: You grow up and you discoverWhat it is to be a lover.Some young lady is selected—Poor, perhaps, but well-connected.Whom you hail (for Love is blind)As the Queen of fairy kind.Though she's plain—perhaps unsightly,Makes her face up—laces tightly,In her form your fancy tracesAll the gifts of all the graces.Rivals none the maiden woo,So you take her and she takes you.All: Ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho!Joke beginning,Never ceasesTill your inningTime releases,On your wayYou blindly stray,And day by dayThe joke increases!King: Ten years later—Time progresses—Sours your temper—thins your tresses;Fancy, then, her chain relaxes;Rates are facts and so are taxes.Fairy Queen's no longer young—Fairy Queen has got a tongue.Twins have probably intruded—Quite unbidden—just as you did—They're a source of care and trouble—Just as you were—only double.Comes at last the final stroke—Time has had its little joke!All: Ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho!Daily driven(Wife as drover)Ill you've thriven—Ne'er in clover;Lastly, whenThree-score and ten(And not till then),The joke is over!Ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho!Then—and thenThe joke is over!(Exeunt Scaphio and Phantis.)King: (putting on his crown again) It's all very well. Ialways like to look on the humorous side of things; but I do notthink I ought to be required to write libels on my own moralcharacter. Naturally, I see the joke of it—anybodywould—but Zara's coming home today; she's no longer a child,and I confess I should not like her to see my Opera—thoughit's uncommonly well written; and I should be sorry if the PalacePeeper got into her hands—though it's certainlysmart—very smart indeed. It is almost a pity that I have tobuy up the whole edition, because it's really too good to be lost.And Lady Sophy—that blameless type of perfect womanhood!Great Heavens, what would she say if the Second Housemaid businesshappened to meet her pure blue eye! (Enter Lady Sophy)Lady S.: My monarch is soliloquizing. I will withdraw. (going)King: No—pray don't go. Now I'll give you fiftychances, and you won't guess whom I was thinking of.Lady S.: Alas, sir, I know too well. Ah! King, it's an old, oldstory, and I'm wellnigh weary of it! Be warned in time—frommy heart I pity you, but I am not for you! (going)King: But hear what I have to say.Lady S.: It is useless. Listen. In the course of a long andadventurous career in the principal European Courts, it has beenrevealed to me that I unconsciously exercise a weird andsupernatural fascination over all Crowned Heads. So irresistibleis this singular property, that there is not a European Monarchwho has not implored me, with tears in his eyes, to quit hiskingdom, and take my fatal charms elsewhere. As time was gettingon it occurred to me that by descending several pegs in the scaleof Respectability I might qualify your Majesty for my hand.Actuated by this humane motive and happening to possessRespectability enough for Six, I consented to conferRespectability enough for Four upon your two youngerdaughters—but although I have, alas, only Respectabilityenough for Two left, there is still, as I gather from the publicpress of this country (producing the Palace Peeper), aconsiderable balance in my favor.King: (aside) Damn! (aloud) May I ask how you came by this?Lady S.: It was handed to me by the officer who holds theposition of Public Exploder to your Imperial Majesty.King: And surely, Lady Sophy, surely you are not so unjust asto place any faith in the irresponsible gabble of the Societypress!Lady S.: (referring to paper) I read on the authority of SenexSenior that your Majesty was seen dancing with your SecondHousemaid on the Oriental Platform of the Tivoli Gardens. That isuntrue?King: Absolutely. Our Second Housemaid has only one leg.Lady S.: (suspiciously) How do you know that?King: Common report. I give you my honor.Lady S.: It may be so. I further read—and the statement isvouched for by no less an authority that MephistophelesMinor—that your Majesty indulges in a bath of hot rum-punchevery morning. I trust I do not lay myself open to the charge ofdisplaying an indelicate curiosity as to the mysteries of theroyal dressing-room when I ask if there is any foundation forthis statement?King: None whatever. When our medical adviser exhibits rum-punch it is as a draught, not as a fomentation. As to our bath,our valet plays the garden hose upon us every morning.Lady S.: (shocked) Oh, pray—pray spare me these unseemlydetails. Well, you are a Despot—have you taken steps to slaythis scribbler?King: Well, no—I have not gone so far as that. Afterall, it's the poor devil's living, you know.Lady S.: It is the poor devil's living that surprises me. Ifthis man lies, there is no recognized punishment that is sufficientlyterrible for him.King: That's precisely it. I—I am waiting until apunishment is discovered that will exactly meet the enormity ofthe case. I am in constant communication with the Mikado of Japan,who is a leading authority on such points; and, moreover, I havethe ground plans and sectional elevations of several capitalpunishments in my desk at this moment. Oh, Lady Sophy, as you arepowerful, be merciful!DUET — King and Lady Sophy.King: Subjected to your heavenly gaze(Poetical phrase),My brain is turned completely.Observe me nowNo monarch I vow,Was ever so afflicted!Lady S: I'm pleased with that poetical phrase,"A heavenly gaze,"But though you put it neatly,Say what you will,These paragraphs stillRemain uncontradicted.Come, crush me this contemptible worm(A forcible term),If he's assailed you wrongly.The rage display,Which, as you say,Has moved your Majesty lately.King: Though I admit that forcible term"Contemptible worm,"Appeals to me most strongly,To treat this pestAs you suggestWould pain my Majesty greatly.Lady S: This writer lies!King: Yes, bother his eyes!Lady S: He lives, you say?King: In a sort of way.Lady S: Then have him shot.King: Decidedly not.Lady S: Or crush him flat.King: I cannot do that.Both: O royal Rex,My her blameless sexAbhors such conduct shady.You I plead in vain,You will never gainRespectable English lady!(Dance of repudiation by Lady Sophy. Exit followed by King.)March. Enter all the Court, heralding the arrival of the PrincessZara, who enters, escorted by Captain Fitzbattleaxe and fourTroopers, all in the full uniform of the First Life Guards.CHORUS.Oh, maiden, richIn Girton loreThat wisdom which,We prized before,We do confessIs nothingness,And rather less,Perhaps, than more.On each of usThy learning shed.On calculusMay we be fed.And teach us, please,To speak with ease,All languages,Alive and dead!SOLO—Princess and ChorusZara: Five years have flown since I took wing—Time flies, and his footstep ne'er retards—I'm the eldest daughter of your King.Troop: And we are her escort—First Life Guards!On the royal yacht,When the waves were white,In a helmet hotAnd a tunic tight,And our great big boots,We defied the storm;For we're not recruits,And his uniformA well drilled trooper ne'er discards—And we are her escort—First Life Guards!Zara: These gentlemen I present to you,The pride and boast of their barrack-yards;They've taken, O! such care of me!Troop: For we are her escort—First Life Guards!When the tempest rose,And the ship went so—Do you supposeWe were ill? No, no!Though a qualmish lotIn a tunic tight,And a helmet hot,And a breastplate bright(Which a well-drilled trooper ne'er discards),We stood as her escort—First Life Guards!CHORUSKnightsbridge nursemaids—serving fairies—Stars of proud Belgravian airies;At stern duty's call you leave them,Though you know how that must grieve them!Zara: Tantantarara-rara-rara!Fitz: Trumpet-call of Princess Zara!Cho: That's trump-call, and they're all trump cards—They are her escort—First Life Guards!ENSEMBLEChorus Princess Zara and FitzbattleaxeLadies Oh! the hours are gold,And the joys untold,Knightsbridge nursemaids, etc. When my eyes beholdMy beloved Princess;Men And the years will seemWhen the tempest rose, etc. But a brief day-dream,In the joy extremeOf our happiness!Full Chorus: Knightsbridge nursemaids, serving fairies, etc.(Enter King, Princess Nekaya and Kalyba, and Lady Sophy. As theKing enters, the escort present arms.)King: Zara! my beloved daughter! Why, how well you look andhow lovely you have grown! (embraces her.)Zara: My dear father! (embracing him) And my two beautifullittle sisters! (embracing them)Nekaya: Not beautiful.Kalyba: Nice-looking.Zara: But first let me present to you the English warrior whocommands my escort, and who has taken, O! such care of meduring my voyage—Captain Fitzbattleaxe!Troopers: The First Life Guards.When the tempest rose,And the ship went so—(Captain Fitzbattleaxe motions them to be silent. The Troopersplace themselves in the four corners of the stage, standing atease, immovably, as if on sentry. Each is surrounded by anadmiring group of young ladies, of whom they take no notice.)King: (to Capt. Fitz.) Sir, you come from a country whereevery virtue flourishes. We trust that you will not criticize tooseverely such shortcomings as you may detect in our semi-barbaroussociety.Fitz.: (looking at Zara) Sir, I have eyes for nothing but theblameless and the beautiful.King: We thank you—he is really very polite! (LadySophy, who has been greatly scandalized by the attentions paid tothe Lifeguardsmen by the young ladies, marches the PrincessesNekaya and Kalyba towards an exit.) Lady Sophy, do not leave us.Lady S.: Sir, your children are young, and, so far, innocent. Ifthey are to remain so, it is necessary that they be at onceremoved from the contamination of their present disgracefulsurroundings. (She marches them off.)King: (whose attention has thus been called to the proceedingsof the young ladies—aside) Dear, dear! They really should-n't. (Aloud) Captain Fitzbattleaxe—Fitz.: Sir.King: Your Troopers appear to be receiving a troublesomeamount of attention from those young ladies. I know how strictyou English soldiers are, and I should be extremely distressed ifanything occurred to shock their puritanical Britishsensitiveness.Fitz.: Oh, I don't think there's any chance of that.King: You think not? They won't be offended?Fitz.: Oh no! They are quite hardened to it. They get a gooddeal of that sort of thing, standing sentry at the Horse Guards.King: It's English, is it?Fitz.: It's particularly English.King: Then, of course, it's all right. Pray proceed, ladies,it's particularly English. Come, my daughter, for we have much tosay to each other.Zara: Farewell, Captain Fitzbattleaxe! I cannot thank you tooem-phatically for the devoted care with which you have watchedover me during our long and eventful voyage.DUET — Zara and Captain Fitzbattleaxe.Zara: Ah! gallant soldier, brave and trueIn tented field and tourney,I grieve to have occasioned youSo very long a journey.A British warrior gives up all—His home and island beauty—When summoned to the trumpet callOf Regimental Duty!Cho: Tantantara-rara-rara!Trumpet call of the Princess Zara!ENSEMBLEMen Fitz. and Zara (aside)A British warrior gives up all, etc. Oh my joy, my pride,My delight to hide,Let us sing, aside,Ladies What in truth we feel,Let us whisper lowKnightsbridge nursemaids, etc. Of our love's glad glow,Lest the truth we showWe would fain conceal.Fitz.: Such escort duty, as his due,To young Lifeguardsman fallingCompletely reconciles him toHis uneventful calling.When soldier seeks Utopian gladesIn charge of Youth and Beauty,Then pleasure merely masqueradesAs Regimental Duty!All: Tantantarara-rara-rara!Trumpet-call of Princess Zara!ENSEMBLEMen Fitz. and Zara (aside)A British warrior gives up all, etc. Oh! my hours are gold,And the joys untold,When my eyes beholdLadies My beloved Princess;And the years will seemKnightsbridge nursemaids, etc. But a brief day-dream,In the joy extremeOf our happiness!(Exeunt King and Zara in one direction, Lifeguardsmen and crowd inopposite direction. Enter, at back, Scaphio and Phantis, whowatch Zara as she goes off. Scaphio is seated, shaking violently,and obviously under the influence of some strong emotion.)Phantis: There—tell me, Scaphio, is she not beautiful? Canyou wonder that I love her so passionately?Scaphio: No. She is extraordinarily—miraculously lovely!Good heavens, what a singularly beautiful girl!Phantis: I knew you would say so!Scaphio: What exquisite charm of manner! What surprisingdelicacy of gesture! Why, she's a goddess! a very goddess!Phantis: (rather taken aback) Yes—she's—she's anattractive girl.Scaphio: Attractive? Why, you must be blind!—She'sentrancing—enthralling—intoxicating! (Aside) Godbless my heart, what's the matter with me?Phantis: (alarmed) Yes. You—you promised to help me toget her father's consent, you know.Scaphio: Promised! Yes, but the convulsion has come, my goodboy! It is she—my ideal! Why, what's this? (Staggering)Phantis! Stop me—I'm going mad—mad with the love ofher!Phantis: Scaphio, compose yourself, I beg. The girl is perfectlyopaque! Besides, remember—each of us is helpless withoutthe other. You can't succeed without my consent, you know.Scaphio: And you dare to threaten? Oh, ungrateful! When youcame to me, palsied with love for this girl, and implored myassis-tance, did I not unhesitatingly promise it? And this is thereturn you make? Out of my sight, ingrate! (Aside) Dear! dear!what is the matter with me? (Enter Capt. Fitzbattleaxe and Zara)Zara: Dear me. I'm afraid we are interrupting a tete-a-tete.Scaphio: (breathlessly) No, no. You come very appropriately.To be brief, we—we love you—this man andI—madly—passionately!Zara: Sir!Scaphio: And we don't know how we are to settle which of us is tomarry you.Fitz.: Zara, this is very awkward.Scaphio: (very much overcome) I—I am paralyzed by thesingular radiance of your extraordinary loveliness. I know I amincoherent. I never was like this before—it shall not occuragain. I—shall be fluent, presently.Zara: (aside) Oh, dear, Captain Fitzbattleaxe, what is to bedone?Fitz.: (aside) Leave it to me—I'll manage it. (Aloud)It's a common situation. Why not settle it in the Englishfashion?Both: The English fashion? What is that?Fitz.: It's very simple. In England, when two gentlemen are inlove with the same lady, and until it is settled which gentlemanis to blow out the brains of the other, it is provided, by theRival Admirers' Clauses Consolidation Act, that the lady shall beentrusted to an officer of Household Cavalry as stakeholder, whois bound to hand her over to the survivor (on the Tontineprinciple) in a good condition of substantial and decorativerepair.Scaphio: Reasonable wear and tear and damages by fire excepted?Fitz.: Exactly.Phantis: Well, that seems very reasonable. (To Scaphio) What doyou say—Shall we entrust her to this officer of HouseholdCavalry? It will give us time.Scaphio: (trembling violently) I—I am not at present in acondition to think it out coolly—but if he is an officer ofHousehold Cavalry, and if the Princess consents—-Zara: Alas, dear sirs, I have no alternative—under theRival Admirers' Clauses Consolidation Act!Fitz.: Good—then that's settled.QUARTETFitzbattleaxe, Zara, Scaphio, and Phantis.Fitz.: It's understood, I think, all roundThat, by the English custom boundI hold the lady safe and soundIn trust for either rival,Until you clearly testifyBy sword and pistol, by and by,Which gentleman prefers to die,And which prefers survival.ENSEMBLESca. and Phan. Zara and FitzIts clearly understood all round We stand, I think, on safish groundThat, by your English custom bound Our senses weak it will astoundHe holds the lady safe and sound If either gentleman is foundIn trust for either rival, Prepared to meet his rival.Until we clearly testify Their machinations we defy;By sword or pistol, by and by We won't be parted, you and I—Which gentleman prefers to die, Of bloodshed each is rather shy—And which prefers survival. They both prefer survivalPhan.: If I should die and he should live(aside to Fitz.) To you, without reserve, I giveHer heart so young and sensitive,And all her predilections.Sca.: If he should live and I should die,(aside to Fitz.) I see no kind of reason whyYou should not, if you wish it, tryTo gain her young affections.ENSEMBLESca. and Phant. Fitz and ZaraIf I should die and you should live As both of us are positiveTo this young officer I give That both of them intend to live,Her heart so soft and sensitive, There's nothing in the case to giveAnd all her predilections. Us cause for grave reflections.If you should live and I should die As both will live and neither dieI see no kind of reason why I see no kind of reason whyHe should not, if he chooses, try I should not, if I wish it, tryTo win her young affections. To gain your young affections!(Exit Scaphio and Phantis together)DUET — Zara and FitzbattleaxeEnsemble: Oh admirable art!Oh, neatly-planned intention!Oh, happy intervention—Oh, well constructed plot!When sages try to partTwo loving hearts in fusion,Their wisdom's delusion,And learning serves them not!Fitz.: Until quite plainIs their intent,These sages twainI represent.Now please inferThat, nothing loth,You're henceforth, as it were,Engaged to marry both—Then take it that I represent the two—On that hypothesis, what would you do?Zara. (aside): What would I do? what would I do?(To Fitz.) In such a case,Upon your breast,My blushing faceI think I'd rest—(doing so)Then perhaps I mightDemurely say—"I find this breastplate brightIs sorely in the way!"Fitz.: Our mortal raceIs never blest—There's no such caseAs perfect rest;Some petty blightAsserts its sway—Some crumpled roseleaf lightIs always in the way!(Exit Fitzbattleaxe. Manet Zara.)(Enter King.)King: My daughter! At last we are alone together.Zara: Yes, and I'm glad we are, for I want to speak to youvery seriously. Do you know this paper?King: (aside) Da—! (Aloud) Ohyes—I've—I've seen it. Where in the world did you getthis from?Zara: It was given to me by Lady Sophy—my sisters'governess.King: (aside) Lady Sophy's an angel, but I do sometimes wishshe'd mind her own business! (Aloud) It's—ha!ha!—it's rather humorous.Zara: I see nothing humorous in it. I only see that you, thedespotic King of this country, are made the subject of the mostscandalous insinuations. Why do you permit these things?King: Well, they appeal to my sense of humor. It's the onlyreally comic paper in Utopia, and I wouldn't be without it for theworld.Zara: If it had any literary merit I could understand it.King: Oh, it has literary merit. Oh, distinctly, it hasliterary merit.Zara: My dear father, it's mere ungrammatical twaddle.King: Oh, it's not ungrammatical. I can't allow that.Unpleas-antly personal, perhaps, but written with anepigrammatical point that is very rare nowadays—very rareindeed.Zara: (looking at cartoon) Why do they represent you withsuch a big nose?King: (looking at cartoon) Eh? Yes, it is a big one! Why,the fact is that, in the cartoons of a comic paper, the size ofyour nose always varies inversely as the square of yourpopularity. It's the rule.Zara: Then you must be at a tremendous discount just now! Isee a notice of a new piece called "King Tuppence," in which anEnglish tenor has the audacity to personate you on a public stage.I can only say that I am surprised that any English tenor shouldlend himself to such degrading personalities.King: Oh, he's not really English. As it happens he's aUtopian, but he calls himself English.Zara: Calls himself English?King: Yes. Bless you, they wouldn't listen to any tenor whodidn't call himself English.Zara: And you permit this insolent buffoon to caricature youin a pointless burlesque! My dear father—if you were a freeagent, you would never permit these outrages.King: (almost in tears) Zara—I—I admit I am notaltogether a free agent. I—I am controlled. I try to makethe best of it, but sometimes I find it very difficult—verydifficult indeed. Nominally a Despot, I am, between ourselves,the helpless tool of two unscrupulous Wise Men, who insist on myfalling in with all their wishes and threaten to denounce me forimmediate explosion if I remonstrate! (Breaks down completely)Zara: My poor father! Now listen to me. With a view toremodel-ling the political and social institutions of Utopia, Ihave brought with me six Representatives of the principal causesthat have tended to make England the powerful, happy, andblameless country which the consensus of European civiliza-tionhas declared it to be. Place yourself unreservedly in the handsof these gentlemen, and they will reorganize your country on afooting that will enable you to defy your persecutors. They areall now washing their hands after their journey. Shall Iintroduce them?King: My dear Zara, how can I thank you? I will consent toany-thing that will release me from the abominable tyranny ofthese two men. (Calling) What ho! Without there! (Enter Calynx)Summon my Court without an instant's delay! (Exit Calynx)FINALEEnter every one, except the Flowers of Progress.CHORUSAlthough your Royal summons to appearFrom courtesy was singularly free,Obedient to that summons we are here—What would your Majesty?RECITATIVE — KingMy worthy people, my beloved daughterMost thoughtfully has brought with her from EnglandThe types of all the causes that have madeThat great and glorious country what it is.Chorus: Oh, joy unbounded!Sca., Tar., Phan (aside). Why, what does this mean?RECITATIVE — ZaraAttend to me, Utopian populace,Ye South Pacific island viviparians;All, in the abstract, types of courtly grace,Yet, when compared with Britain's glorious race,But little better than half clothed Barbarians!CHORUSYes! Contrasted whenWith Englishmen,Are little better than half-clothed barbarians!Enter all the Flowers of Progress, led by Fitzbattleaxe.SOLOS — Zara and the Flowers of Progress.(Presenting Captain Fitzbattleaxe)When Britain sounds the trump of war(And Europe trembles),The army of the conquerorIn serried ranks assemble;'Tis then this warrior's eyes and sabre gleamFor our protection—He represents a military schemeIn all its proud perfection!Chorus: Yes—yesHe represents a military schemeIn all its proud perfection.Ulahlica! Ulahlica! Ulahlica!SOLO — Zara.(Presenting Sir Bailey Barre, Q.C., M.P.)A complicated gentleman allow to present,Of all the arts and faculties the terse embodiment,He's a great arithmetician who can demonstrate with easeThat two and two are three or five or anything you please;An eminent Logician who can make it clear to youThat black is white—when looked at from the proper pointof view;A marvelous Philologist who'll undertake to showThat "yes" is but another and a neater form of "no."Sir Bailey: Yes—yes—yes—"Yes" is but another and a neater form of "no."All preconceived ideas on any subject I can scout,And demonstrate beyond all possibility of doubt,That whether you're an honest man or whether you're a thiefDepends on whose solicitor has given me my brief.Chorus: Yes—yes—yesThat whether your'e an honest man, etc.Ulahlica! Ulahlica! Ulahlica!Zara: (Presenting Lord Dramaleigh and County Councillor)What these may be, Utopians all,Perhaps you'll hardly guess—They're types of England's physicalAnd moral cleanliness.This is a Lord High Chamberlain,Of purity the gauge—He'll cleanse our court from moral stainAnd purify our Stage.Lord D.: Yes—yes—yesCourt reputations I revise,And presentations scrutinize,New plays I read with jealous eyes,And purify the Stage.Chorus: Court reputations, etc.Zara: This County Councillor acclaim,Great Britain's latest toy—On anything you like to nameHis talents he'll employ—All streets and squares he'll purifyWithin your city walls,And keep meanwhile a modest eyeOn wicked music halls.C.C.: Yes—yes—yesIn towns I make improvements great,Which go to swell the County Rate—I dwelling-houses sanitate,And purify the Halls!Chorus: In towns he makes improvements great, etc.Ulahlica! Ulahlica! Ulahlica!SOLO — Zara:(Presenting Mr. Goldbury)A Company Promoter this with special education,Which teaches what Contango means and also Backwardation—To speculators he supplies a grand financial leaven,Time was when two were company—but now it must be seven.Mr. Gold.: Yes—yes—yesStupendous loans to foreign thronesI've largely advocated;In ginger-pops and peppermint-dropsI've freely speculated;Then mines of gold, of wealth untold,Successfully I've floatedAnd sudden falls in apple-stallsOccasionally quoted.And soon or late I always callFor Stock Exchange quotation—No schemes too great and none too smallFor Companification!Chorus: Yes! Yes! Yes! No schemes too great, etc.Ulahlica! Ulahlica! Ulahlica!Zara: (Presenting Capt. Sir Edward Corcoran, R.N.)And lastly I presentGreat Britain's proudest boast,Who from the blowsOf foreign foesProtects her sea-girt coast—And if you ask him in respectful tone,He'll show you how you may protect your own!SOLO — Captain CorcoranI'm Captain Corcoran, K.C.B.,I'll teach you how we rule the sea,And terrify the simple Gauls;And how the Saxon and the CeltTheir Europe-shaking blows have dealtWith Maxim gun and Nordenfelt(Or will when the occasion calls).If sailor-like you'd play your cards,Unbend your sails and lower your yards,Unstep your masts—you'll never want 'em more.Though we're no longer hearts of oak,Yet we can steer and we can stoke,And thanks to coal, and thanks to coke,We never run a ship ashore!All: What never?Capt.: No, never!All: What never?Capt: Hardly ever!All: Hardly ever run a ship ashore!Then give three cheers, and three cheers more,For the tar who never runs his ship ashore;Then give three cheers, and three cheers more,For he never runs his ship ashore!CHORUSAll hail, ye types of England's power—Ye heaven-enlightened band!We bless the day and bless the hourThat brought you to our land.QUARTETYe wanderers from a mighty State,Oh, teach us how to legislate—Your lightest word will carry weight,In our attentive ears.Oh, teach the natives of this land(Who are not quick to understand)How to work off their social andPolitical arrears!Capt. Fitz.: Increase your army!Lord D.: Purify your court!Capt. Corc: Get up your steam and cut your canvas short!Sir B.: To speak on both sides teach your sluggish brains!Mr. B.: Widen your thoroughfares, and flush your drains!Mr. Gold.: Utopia's much too big for one small head—I'll float it as a Company Limited!King: A Company Limited? What may that be?The term, I rather think, is new to me.Chorus: A company limited? etc.Sca, Phant, and Tara (Aside)What does he mean? What does he mean?Give us a kind of clue!What does he mean? What does he mean?What is he going to do?SONG — Mr. GoldburySome seven men form an Association(If possible, all Peers and Baronets),They start off with a public declarationTo what extent they mean to pay their debts.That's called their Capital; if they are waryThey will not quote it at a sum immense.The figure's immaterial—it may varyFrom eighteen million down to eighteenpence.I should put it rather low;The good sense of doing soWill be evident at once to any debtor.When it's left to you to sayWhat amount you mean to pay,Why, the lower you can put it at, the better.Chorus: When it's left to you to say, etc.They then proceed to trade with all who'll trust 'emQuite irrespective of their capital(It's shady, but it's sanctified by custom);Bank, Railway, Loan, or Panama Canal.You can't embark on trading too tremendous—It's strictly fair, and based on common sense—If you succeed, your profits are stupendous—And if you fail, pop goes your eighteenpence.Make the money-spinner spin!For you only stand to win,And you'll never with dishonesty be twitted.For nobody can know,To a million or so,To what extent your capital's committed!Chorus: No, nobody can know, etc.If you come to grief, and creditors are craving(For nothing that is planned by mortal headIs certain in this Vale of Sorrow—savingThat one's Liability is Limited),—Do you suppose that signifies perdition?If so, you're but a monetary dunce—You merely file a Winding-Up Petition,And start another Company at once!Though a Rothschild you may beIn your own capacity,As a Company you've come to utter sorrow—But the Liquidators say,"Never mind—you needn't pay,"So you start another company to-morrow!Chorus: But the liquidators say, etc.King: Well, at first sight it strikes us as dishonest,But if its's good enough for virtuous England—The first commercial country in the world—It's good enough for us.Sca., Phan., Tar. (aside to the King)You'd best take care—Please recollect we have not been consulted.King: And do I understand that Great BritainUpon this Joint Stock principle is governed?Mr. G.: We haven't come to that, exactly—butWe're tending rapidly in that direction.The date's not distant.King: (enthusiastically) We will be before you!We'll go down in posterity renownedAs the First Sovereign in ChristendomWho registered his Crown and Country underThe Joint Stock Company's Act of Sixty-Two.All: Ulahlica!SOLO — KingHenceforward, of a verity,With Fame ourselves we link—We'll go down to PosterityOf sovereigns all the pink!Sca., Phan., Tar.: (aside to King)If you've the mad temerityOur wishes thus to blink,You'll go down to Posterity,Much earlier than you think!Tar.: (correcting them)He'll go up to Posterity,If I inflict the blow!Sca., Phan.: (angrily)He'll go down to Posterity—We think we ought to know!Tar.: (explaining) He'll go up to Posterity,Blown up with dynamite!Sca., Phan.: (apologetically)He'll go up to Posterity,Of course he will, you're right!ENSEMBLEKing, Lady Sophy, Nek., Sca., Phan, and Tar Fitz. and Zara (aside)Kal., Calynx and Chorus(aside)Henceforward of a verity, If he has the temerityWho love with all sincerity;With fame ourselves we Our wishes thus to blinklink— Their lives may safely link.And go down to Posterity, He'll go up to PosterityAnd as for our posterityOf sovereigns all pink! Much earlier than they think!We don't care what they think!CHORUSLet's seal this mercantile pact—The step we ne'er shall rue—It gives whatever we lacked—The statement's strictly true.All hail, astonishing Fact!All hail, Invention new—The Joint Stock Company's Act—The Act of Sixty-Two!END OF ACT I