No. 14. Love is a plaintive song(Solo)PatiencePATIENCE Love is a plaintive song,Sung by a suff'ring maid,Telling a tale of wrong,Telling of hope betrayed;Tuned to each changing note,Sorry when he is sad,Blind to his ev'ry mote,Merry when he is glad!Merry when he is glad!Love that no wrong can cure,Love that is always new,That is the love that's pure,That is the love that's true!Love that no wrong can cure,Love that is always new,That is the love that's pure,That is the love, the love that's true!Rendering good for ill,Smiling at ev'ry frown,Yielding your own self-will,Laughing your teardrops down;Never a selfish whim,Trouble, or pain to stir;Everything for him,Nothing at all for her!Nothing at all for her!Love that will aye endure,Though the rewards be few,That is the love that's pure,That is the love that's true!Love that will aye endure,Though the rewards be few,That is the love that's pure,That is the love, the love that's true![At the end of ballad exit PATIENCE, L., weeping. EnterBUNTHORNE, R., JANE following.]BUN. Everything has gone wrong with me since that smug-facedidiot came here. Before that I was admired — I may say, loved.JANE Too mild — adored!BUN. Do let a poet soliloquize! The damozels used to follow mewherever I went; now they all follow him!JANE Not all! I am still faithful to you.BUN. Yes, and a pretty damozel you are!JANE No, not pretty. Massive. Cheer up! I will never leaveyou, I swear it!BUN. Oh, thank you! I know what it is; it's his confoundedmildness. They find me too highly spiced, if you please! And nodoubt I am highly spiced.JANE Not for my taste!BUN. [savagely] No, but I am for theirs. But I will show theworld I can be as mild as he. If they want insipidity, theyshall have it. I'll meet this fellow on his own ground and beathim on it.JANE You shall. And I will help you.BUN. You will? Jane, there's a good deal of good in you, afterall!
No. 15. So go to him and say to him(Duet)Jane and Bunthorne[Dance]JANE So go to him and say to him, with compliment ironical—BUNTHORNE Sing "Hey to you—Good-day to you"—And that's what I shall say!JANE "Your style is much too sanctified — your cut is toocanonical"—BUNTHORNE Sing "Bah to you—Ha! ha! to you"—And that's what I shall say!JANE "I was the beau ideal of the morbid young aesthetical—To doubt my inspiration was regarded as heretical—Until you cut me out with your placidity emetical."BUNTHORNE Sing "Booh to you—Pooh, pooh to you"—And that's what I shall say!Sing "Booh to you—Pooh, pooh to you"—And that's what I shall say!JANE BUNTHORNESing "Hey to you — good-day to you"— "Hey,Sing "Bah to you — ha! ha! to you"— Good-daySing "Booh to you — pooh, pooh to you"— Bah.And that's what you should say! ha! ha!Sing "Hey to you — good-day to you"— "Booh,Sing "Bah to you —ha! ha! to you"— pooh-poohSing "Booh to you"— Bah.And that's what you should say! And that's what I shallsay!"Bah, bah," "Booh, booh,"And that's what you should say! And that's what I shallsay!"Booh, booh," "Bah, bah,"And that's what you should say! And that's what I shallsay!BUNTHORNE I'll tell him that unless he will consent to be morejocular—JANE Sing "Booh to you—Pooh, pooh to you"—And that's what you should say!BUNTHORNE To cut his curly hair, and stick an eyeglass in hisocular—JANE Sing "Bah to you—Ha! ha! to you"—And that's what you should say!BUNTHORNE To stuff his conversation full of quibble and ofquiddity,To dine on chops and roly-poly pudding withavidity—He'd better clear away with all convenientrapidity.JANE Sing "Hey to you—Good-day to you"—And that's what you should say!BUNTHORNE Sing "Booh to you—Pooh, pooh to you"—And that's what I shall say!JANE BUNTHORNESing "Hey to you — good-day to you"— "Hey,Sing "Bah to you — ha! ha! to you"— Good-daySing "Booh to you — pooh, pooh to you"— Bah.And that's what you should say! ha! ha!Sing "Hey to you — good-day to you"— "Booh,Sing "Bah to you — ha! ha! to you"— pooh-poohSing "Booh to you"— Bah.And that's what you should say! And that's what I shallsay!"Bah, bah," "Booh, booh,"And that's what you should say! And that's what I shallsay!"Booh, booh," "Bah, bah,"And that's what you should say! And that's what I shallsay![They dance off,L.][Enter DUKE, COLONEL, and MAJOR, R. They have abandoned theiruniforms, and are dressed and made up in imitation ofAesthetics. They have long hair, and other signs ofattachment to the brotherhood. As they sing they walk instiff, constrained, and angular attitudes — a grotesqueexaggeration of the attitudes adopted by BUNTHORNE and theyoung LADIES in Act I.][Enter DUKE... enter MAJOR... enter COLONEL, Attitude. They walkto C.]No. 16. It's clear that mediaeval art(Trio)Duke, Major, and ColonelALL It's clear that medieval art alone retains its zest,To charm and please its devotees we've done our little best.We're not quite sure if all we do has the Early Englishring;But, as far as we can judge, it's something like this sortof thing:You hold yourself like this, [attitude]You hold yourself like that, [attitude]By hook and crook you try to look both angular and flat[attitude].We venture to expectThat what we recollect,Though but a part of true High Art, will have its dueeffect.If this is not exactly right, we hope you won't upbraid;You can't get high Aesthetic tastes, like trousers, readymade.True views on Medieavalism Time alone will bring,But, as far as we can judge, it's something like this sortof thing:You hold yourself like this, [attitude]You hold yourself like that, [attitude]By hook and crook you try to look both angular and flat[attitude].To cultivate the trimRigidity of limb,You ought to get a Marionette, and form your style on him[attitude].[Attitudes change in time to the music.]COLONEL [attitude] Yes, it's quite clear that our only chance ofmaking a lasting impression on these young ladies is to become asaesthetic as they are.MAJOR [attitude] No doubt. The only question is how far we'vesucceeded in doing so. I don't know why, but I've an idea thatthis is not quite right.DUKE [attitude] I don't like it. I never did. I don't see whatit means. I do it, but I don't like it.COLONEL My good friend, the question is not whether we like it,but whether they do. They understand these things — we don't.Now I shouldn't be surprised if this is effective enough — at adistance.MAJOR I can't help thinking we're a little stiff at it. Itwould be extremely awkward if we were to be "struck" so!COLONEL I don't think we shall be struck so. Perhaps we're alittle awkward at first — but everything must have a beginning.Oh, here they come! 'Tention![They strike fresh attitudes, as ANGELA and SAPHIR enter, L.]ANGELA [seeing them] Oh, Saphir — see — see! The immortalfire has descended on them, and they are of the Inner Brotherhood— perceptively intense and consummately utter.[The OFFICERS have some difficulty in maintaining theirconstrained attitudes.]SAPHIR [in admiration] How Botticelian! How Fra Angelican! Oh,Art, we thank thee for this boon!COLONEL [apologetically] I'm afraid we're not quite right.ANGELA Not supremely, perhaps, but oh, so all — but![to SAPHIR] Oh, Saphir, are they not quite too all — but?SAPHIR They are indeed jolly utter!MAJOR [in agony] I wonder what the Inner Brotherhood usuallyrecommend for cramp?COLONEL Ladies, we will not deceive you. We are doing this atsome personal inconvenience with a view of expressing theextremity of our devotion to you. We trust that it is notwithout its effect.ANGELA We will not deny that we are much moved by this proof ofyour attachment.SAPHIR Yes, your conversion to the principles of Aesthetic Artin its highest development has touched us deeply.ANGELA And if Mr. Bunthorne should remain obdurate—SAPHIR Which we have every reason to believe he will—MAJOR [aside, in agony] I wish they'd make haste! [The othershush him.]ANGELA We are not prepared to say that our yearning hearts willnot go out to you.COLONEL [as giving a word of command] By sections of threes —Rapture! [All strike a fresh attitude, expressive of aestheticrapture.]SAPHIR Oh, it's extremely good — for beginners it's admirable.MAJOR The only question is, who will take who?COLONEL Oh, the Duke chooses first, as a matter of course.DUKE Oh, I couldn't thank of it — you are really too good!COLONEL Nothing of the kind. You are a great matrimonial fish,and it's only fair that each of these ladies should have a chanceof hooking you. It's perfectly simple. Observe, suppose youchoose Angela, I take Saphir, Major takes nobody. [withincreasing speed] Suppose you choose Saphir, Major tales Angela,I take nobody. Suppose you choose neither, I take Angela, Majortakes Saphir. Clear as day![The officers, with obvious relief, abandon their aestheticattitudes, and, with the Ladies, dance into position. L. toR. 1st verse: Colonel with Angela; Duke with Saphir; Majoralone. 2nd verse: Colonel alone; Angela with Duke; Saphirwith Major. 3rd verse: Colonel with Saphir; Duke alone;Angela with Major.]
No. 17. If Saphir I choose to marryQuintetDuke, Colonel, Major, Angela, and SaphirDUKE If Saphir I choose to marry,I shall be fixed up for life;Then the Colonel need not tarry,Angela can be his wife.MAJOR In that case unprecedented,Single I shall live and die—I shall have to be contentedWith their heartfelt sympathy!ALL He will have to be contentedWith our/their heartfelt sympathy!In that case unprecedented,Single he/I will/shall live and die—He/I will/shall have to be contentedWith our/their heartfelt sympathy!He/I will/shall have to be contentedWith our/their heartfelt sympathy!He/I will/shall have to be contentedWith our/their heartfelt sympathy!DUKE If on Angy I determine,At my wedding she'll appear,Decked in diamond and ermine.Major then can take Saphir!COLONEL In that case unprecedented,Single I shall live and die—I shall have to be contentedWith their heartfelt sympathy!ALL He/I will/shall have to be contentedWith our/their heartfelt sympathy!In that case unprecedented,Single he/I will/shall live and die—He/I will/shall have to be contentedWith our/their heartfelt sympathy!He/I will/shall have to be contentedWith our/their heartfelt sympathy!He/I will/shall have to be contentedWith our/their heartfelt sympathy![Positions at beginning of Verse 3: L. to R., COLONEL, ANGELA,DUKE, SAPHIR, MAJOR]DUKE After some debate internal,If on neither I decide,Saphir then can take the Colonel,[Hands her to the COLONEL.]Angy be the Major's bride![Hands her to the MAJOR.]In that case unprecedented,Single I shall live and die—I shall have to be contentedWith their heartfelt sympathy!ALL He will have to be contentedWith our/their heartfelt sympathy!In that case unprecedented,Single he/I will/shall live and die—He/I will/shall have to be contentedWith our/their heartfelt sympathy!He/I will/shall have to be contentedWith our/their heartfelt sympathy!He/I will/shall have to be contentedWith our/their heartfelt sympathy![They dance off, arm-in-arm, up-stage and off, L.U.E., theCOLONEL leading with SAPHIR.][Enter GROSVENOR, R.U.E.]GROS. It is very pleasant to be alone. It is pleasant to beable to gaze at leisure upon those features which all others maygaze upon at their good will! [Looking at his reflection inhand-mirror.] Ah, I am a very Narcissus![Enter BUNTHORNE, L. moodily.]BUN. It's no use; I can't live without admiration. SinceGrosvenor came here, insipidity has been at a premium. Ah, he isthere!GROS. Ah, Bunthorne! Come here — look! Very graceful, isn'tit!BUN. [taking hand-mirror] Allow me; I haven't seen it. Yes, itis graceful.GROS. [taking back the mirror) Oh, good gracious! not that —this—BUN. You don't mean that! Bah! I am in no mood for trifling.GROS. And what is amiss?BUN. Ever since you came here, you have entirely monopolized theattentions of the young ladies. I don't like it, sir!GROS. My dear sir, how can I help it? They are the plague of mylife. My dear Mr. Bunthorne, with your personal disadvantages,you can have no idea of the inconvenience of being madly loved,at first sight, by every woman you meet.BUN. Sir, until you came here I was adored!GROS. Exactly — until I came here. That's my grievance. I cuteverybody out! I assure you, if you could only suggest somemeans whereby, consistently with my duty to society, I couldescape these inconvenient attentions, you would earn myeverlasting gratitude.BUN. I will do so at once. However popular it may be with theworld at large, your personal appearance is highly objectionableto me.GROS. It is? [shaking his hand] Oh, thank you! thank you! Howcan I express my gratitude?BUN. By making a complete change at once. Your conversationmust henceforth be perfectly matter-of-fact. You must cut yourhair, and have a back parting. In appearance and costume youmust be absolutely commonplace.GROS. [decidedly] No. Pardon me, that's impossible.BUN. Take care! When I am thwarted I am very terrible.GROS. I can't help that. I am a man with a mission. And thatmission must be fulfilled.BUN. I don't think you quite appreciate the consequences ofthwarting me.GROS. I don't care what they are.BUN. Suppose — I won't go so far as to say that I will do it —but suppose for one moment I were to curse you? [GROSVENORquails.] Ah! Very well. Take care.GROS. But surely you would never do that? [In great alarm]BUN. I don't know. It would be an extreme measure, no doubt.Still—GROS. [wildly] But you would not do it — I am sure you wouldnot. [Throwing himself at BUNTHORNE's knees, and clinging to him]Oh, reflect, reflect! You had a mother once.BUN. Never!GROS. Then you had an aunt! [BUNTHORNE affected.] Ah! I seeyou had! By the memory of that aunt, I implore you to pause ereyou resort to this last fearful expedient. Oh, Mr. Bunthorne,reflect, reflect! [Weeping]BUN. [aside, after a struggle with himself] I must not allowmyself to be unmanned! [aloud] It is useless. Consent at once,or may a nephew's curse—GROS. Hold! Are you absolutely resolved?BUN. Absolutely.GROS. Will nothing shake you?BUN. Nothing. I am adamant.GROS. Very good. [rising] Then I yield.BUN. Ha! You swear it?GROS. I do, cheerfully. I have long wished for a reasonablepretext for such a change as you suggest. It has come at last.I do it on compulsion!BUN. Victory! I triumph!
No. 18. When I go out of door(Duet)Bunthorne and Grosvenor[Each one dances around the stage while the other is singing hissolo verses.]BUNTHORNE When I go out of door,Of damozels a score(All sighing and burning,And clinging and yearning)Will follow me as before.I shall, with cultured taste,Distinguish gems from paste,And "High diddle diddle"Will rank as an idyll,If I pronounce it chaste!BOTH A most intense young man,A soulful-eyed young man,An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical,Out-of-the-way young man!GROSVENOR Conceive me, if you can,An ev'ryday young man:A commonplace type,With a stick and a pipe,And a half-bred black-and-tan;Who thinks suburban "hops"More fun than "Monday Pops,"—Who's fond of his dinner,And doesn't get thinnerOn bottled beer and chops.BOTH A commonplace young man,A matter-of-fact young man—A steady and stolidy, jolly Bank-holiday,Every-day young man!BUNTHORNE A Japanese young man—A blue-and-white young man—Francesca di Rimini, miminy, piminy,Je-ne-sais-quoi young man!GROSVENOR A Chancery lane young man—A Somerset House young man,—A very delectable, highly respectableThree-penny-bus young man!BUNTHORNE A pallid and thin young man—A haggard and lank young man,A greenery-yallery, Grosvenor Gallery,Foot-in-the-grave young man!GROSVENOR A Sewell and Cross young man,A Howell & James young man,A pushing young particle — "What's the nextarticle?"—Waterloo House young man!BUNTHORNE GROSVENORConceive me, if you can, Conceive me, if you can,A crotchety, cracked young man, A matter-of-fact young man,An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical, An alphabetical,arithmetical,Out-of-the way young man! Every day young man!Conceive me, if you can, Conceive me, if you can,A crotchety, cracked young man, A matter-of-fact young man,An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical, An alphabetical,arithmetical,Out-of-the way young man! Every day young man![GROSVENOR dances off, L.U.E. ]BUN. It is all right! I have committed my last act of ill-nature, and henceforth I'm a changed character.[Dances about stage, humming refrain of last air. EnterPATIENCE, L. She gazes in astonishment at him.]PATIENCE Reginald! Dancing! And — what in the world is thematter with you?BUN. Patience, I'm a changed man. Hitherto I've been gloomy,moody, fitful — uncertain in temper and selfish in disposition—PATIENCE You have, indeed! [sighing]BUN. All that is changed. I have reformed. I have modelledmyself upon Mr. Grosvenor. Henceforth I am mildly cheerful. Myconversation will blend amusement with instruction. I shallstill be aesthetic; but my aestheticism will be of the mostpastoral kind.PATIENCE Oh, Reginald! Is all this true?BUN. Quite true. Observe how amiable I am. [Assuming a fixedsmile]PATIENCE But, Reginald, how long will this last?BUN. With occasional intervals for rest and refreshment, as longas I do.PATIENCE Oh, Reginald, I'm so happy! Oh, dear, dear Reginald, Icannot express the joy I feel at this change. It will no longerbe a duty to love you, but a pleasure — a rapture — an ecstasy!BUN. My darling! [embracing her]PATIENCE But — oh, horror! [recoiling from him]BUN. What's the matter?PATIENCE Is it quite certain that you have absolutely reformed -- that you are henceforth a perfect being — utterly free fromdefect of any kind?BUN. It is quite certain. I have sworn it.PATIENCE Then I never can be yours! [crossing to R.C.]BUN. Why not?PATIENCE Love, to be pure, must be absolutely unselfish, andthere can be nothing unselfish in loving so perfect a being asyou have now become!BUN. But, stop a bit. I don't want to change — I'll relapse —I'll be as I was — interrupted![Enter GROSVENOR, L.U.E., followed by all the young LADIES, whoare followed by Chorus of DRAGOONS. He has had his haircut, and is dressed in an ordinary suit and a bowler hat.They all dance cheerfully round the stage in marked contrastto their former languor.]
No. 19. I'm a Waterloo House young man(Solo and Chorus)Grosvenor and MaidensGROSVENOR I'm a Waterloo House young man,A Sewell & Cross young man,A steady and stolidy, jolly Bank-holiday,Everyday young man.MAIDENS We're Swears & Wells young girls,We're Madame Louise young girls,We're prettily pattering, cheerily chattering,Every-day young girls.BUN. [C.] Angela — Ella — Saphir — what — what does thismean?ANGELA [R.] It means that Archibald the All-Right cannot be all-wrong; and if the All-Right chooses to discard aestheticism, itproves that aestheticism ought to be discarded.PATIENCE Oh, Archibald! Archibald! I'm shocked — surprised —horrified!GROS. [L.C.] I can't help it. I'm not a free agent. I do it oncompulsion.PATIENCE This is terrible. Go! I shall never set eyes on youagain. But — oh, joy!GROS.[L.C.] What is the matter?PATIENCE [R.C.] Is it quite, quite certain that you will alwaysbe a commonplace young man?GROS. Always — I've sworn it.PATIENCE Why, then, there's nothing to prevent my loving youwith all the fervour at my command!GROS. Why, that's true.PATIENCE [crossing to him] My Archibald!GROS. My Patience! [They embrace.]BUN. Crushed again![Enter JANE, L.]JANE [who is still aesthetic] Cheer up! I am still here. Ihave never left you, and I never will!BUN. Thank you, Jane. After all, there is no denying it, you'rea fine figure of a woman!JANE My Reginald!BUN. My Jane! [They embrace.]
Fanfare
[Enter, R., COLONEL, MAJOR, and DUKE. They are again inuniform.]COLONEL Ladies, the Duke has at length determined to select abride![General excitement]DUKE [R.] I have a great gift to bestow. Approach, such of youas are truly lovely. [All the MAIDENS come forward, bashfully,except JANE and PATIENCE.] In personal appearance you have allthat is necessary to make a woman happy. In common fairness, Ithink I ought to choose the only one among you who has themisfortune to be distinctly plain. [Girls retire disappointed.]Jane!JANE [leaving BUNTHORNE's arms] Duke! [JANE and DUKE embrace.BUNTHORNE is utterly disgusted.]BUN. Crushed again!
No. 20. After much debate internal(Finale of Act II)EnsembleDUKE [R.C.] After much debate internal,I on Lady Jane decide,Saphir now may take the Col'nel,Angry be the Major's bride![SAPHIR pairs off with COLONEL, R., ANGELA with MAJOR, L.C.,ELLA with SOLICITOR, L.]BUNTHORNE [C.] In that case unprecedented,Single I must live and die—I shall have to be contentedWith a tulip or li-ly![BUNTHORNE, C., takes a lily from buttonhole and gazesaffectionately at it.]SAPHIR, ELLA,ANGELA, DUKE,BUNTHORNE andCOLONEL He will have to be contentedWith a tulip or li-ly!ALL In that case unprecedented,Single he/I must live and die—He will/I shall have to be contentedWith a tulip or li-ly!Greatly pleased with one another,To get married we/they decide.Each of us/them will wed the other,Nobody be Bunthorne's Bride!DanceEND OF OPERA