{ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.}4 LETTERS.Mister Brown.—In haste, dear sur, I repli tew yure letter thusly:Jews harps are a one stringed instrument, held between the teeth, blowed on gently, and tickled with the fore-finger. The musik which they yield is balmy, but looses much of its melloness unless played upon bi a bull frog. I hav listened for hours at a bull frog playing on a Jews harp, and wept like a child. This iz the kind a musik that enters mi soul like a sister ov charity out ov a job. I hav a yung female bull frog now in mi employ, who plays the Jews harp quite bully for one ov her sex. Sum people must hav opera musik or they aint helthy, but giv me the liquid Jews harp, tickled bi the yung and impashioned bull frog.If i waz ritch i would buy me two akers ov swamp ground, issue proposals for a millyun ov Jews harps, and set every bull frog on mi farm to instrumental musik.Thare are others who aint happy unless they kan hear the pensiv murmers ov the bass drum, or the hoarse gutteral ov the trombone, or the pig like laffing ov the fife, or the jigger ov the banjo and the bones.I hav nothing but pitty for sich depraved tasted critters, and look forward, with the joyful gush ov a missionary, to the time when bull frogs will set under every vine and fig tree, tickling the buzzom ov a Jews harp.If i kan hav plenty ov Jews harps, and a bull frog, i dont kare if i dont never hear a hand orgin agin.4734 LETTERS.Mister Bates.—The best kind ov bate for a rat, iz toasted cheeze, and the best kind ov a trap, iz the one, that will ketch them the oftenest, and hang onto them the most. It aint always a sure thing tew ketch a rat bi the tail, i hav knew them tew bight oph their tail, just outside ov the jaws ov the trap, and thus save their rat meat.Bob tailed rats hav ceased tew be a curiosity to me long ago.Once i should hav looked upon a bob-tailed rat with mingled pheelings ov pitty, and suprise, but them daze hav fled from me, i look upon a bob-tailed rat now, as a cluss bizzness transackshun.Rats are one ov the far-famed butys ov civilashun, they wont live in the wildernes, and i wouldn’t if i waz they.Sum folks are so enlightened they kant bear rats, but az i lay in mi bed, at mi boarding hous, at the deceased hours ov night, it iz one ov mi priviliges, tew hear the rats chawing holes throu the base boards, and playing tag in the wainscote.Rats are very prolifick, one pair ov assorted rats, will keep a phamily in rats for years.Rats are very easy tew keep, thare aint but phew things but what they will eat, and them phew things are locked up.Rats are not a subjekt ov diet in this country, but i am told bi missionarys, that rat pi, iz thick in China.I shouldn’t wonder if rat pi might be good, but i hav alwus accustomed mi self to plain vittles.474Mister Barnes.—Hash iz made out ov cast oph vittles.Hash haz done more for the human race ov man than almost enny other breed ov food.For breakfast, a small tender-lion steak, sum few ham & eggs, 3 baked potatoze, a plate of buttered toast, sum slap jacks, 2 cups of coffy, and sum hash iz good.I like to eat hash this way better than enny other.Sum pholks alwuz raize their noze up at hash.If yu search history, with one eye, yu will find theze folks, 20, or 30 years ago, more or less, were born on hash.I hav seen hash miself, that i had mi doubts about, but i et it, and still liv.I love hash as a principle, and this iz mi rule, i watch the landlady, and if she eats it, i take the sekond plate.This makes me very popular at all the boarding houses which I attend.If folks would be a leetle more penurious with their hash, and not git stubs ov tallo kandles, babys morocko shoes, and now and then a fine tooth comb, that want more than half worn out, into their hash, hash would stand to day, at the head of all mux food.Mister Bartlett.—Ov all the animals who waz brought akrost the waters, into this country, by that grate improver ov the breed ov kattle Noah, i consider the cow the most respektable.A cow iz a kind ov old aunt in the family.I dont kno ov a more honest, and salubrious sight, than a brindle cow, that wont kik, and who gives 10 quarts ov milk that aint watered.It iz unkommon hard to git a cow to giv milk that aint watered now daze, thare iz a grate difference in cows about this.It iz sed the cowcumber derives its name from the cow, but whether this iz so, or not, i kant find out.Probably it iz, becauze they resemble the cow so mutch.The cowcumber cums under the hed ov gardin sass, and they gro on a running vine, and the vine kan beat every vine running, for 100 yards, in Amerika, after it gits started.475They are a little balky about starting.I hav known a cowcumber vine to run 15 foot in one night besides giving birth to 7 young cowcumbers on the way.Kowcumbers kut up into thin slices, and rooled in peper, and psalt, and soaked in vinegar, are good, for a sharp pain in the hebdominal region.A cowcumber iz about the only thing that i kan remember ov now, that iz good for nothing, after it reaches perfektshun.Mister Boggs.—Yure letter, informing me ov the loss ov yure dog, reached me by yesterday’s male.I know how to commune with you, Boggs, for i hav been deprived ov a dog once miself.I lost a most flattering purp on the 16th day of March three years ago.I found him ded in a vakant lot, near mi house.He probably had been struck with lightning, or sumthin else.He waz a most gifted pup, and could jerk a night-gown oft from a clothes line, or worry a goose, most butiful tew behold.He waz a bul pup, but iz no more.Tiger waz hiz fust name.I hav made up mi mind never to own enny more dog.Dog comfort, in this world iz, like all other joy, liable to leak.Human happiness iz skase enny how, and wants too mutch watching, to be invested in dorgs.JOSH SETTLES UP WITH HIS CORRESPONDENTS SUMMARILY.“Philander.”—If yu borrow ov the Devil, yu must keep yure eye peeled wide open, for the Devil always takes a mortgage, and seldum takes one, that he fails tew foreclose.“Plato.”—Mi experience, az far az i have got, iz this, that i kan most alwus find out the style ov milk in enny man’s moral kokernutt, by hearing hiz opinion ov hiz nearest nabors, for men are quite apt tew dam in others, what they hav got the most ov themselfs, and praze what they have got the least ov.476“Pindar.”—The strongest sentiment in woman iz modesty, and the next strongest iz a silk dress, made in the fashion. The strongest sentiment in man iz money, and the next strongest iz 10 per cent. for the use ov it.“Phillip.”—If yu expekt to win, yu hav got to suffer,—the bible tells us that heaven must be taken with hard knocks.“Pan.”—Fame iz very mutch like good health, them men who hunt for it the most find it the least.“Powell.”—Luv at fust sight iz perhaps a leetle risky, but it iz the richest, and most lastingest luv the heart ever feels.“Postboy.”—Marrying for munny, iz much like falling out ov a third story winder, if yu happen tew make a goodstrike, it iz a fust-rate excuse for never trying it again.“Peacock.”—Yu will find in yure journey through this vale ov tears and valley ov dispair, mutch tew fill yure soul with anguish, and dissapointments bitter:—thare iz one thing partickularly apt tew go back ov a yung man, whoze buzzum iz trieing tew bust with hope, and that iz—hiz mustash.“Pilot.”—A man may hav a grate deal ov edukashun, and not be verry wize, after awl; jist az he may hav a heap ov strength, and not know the best holts.“Pilgarlick.”—Yu ask me the best way tew make berlony sarsage. Here iz the best, and only way:Take an eel, about six feet in length, and about one feet in wideness, (git a lively eel if possibel); skin the eel lengthways from hed to foot, and stuff the skin with pulvarized gutty perchy, and equal parts ov merino wool; seazon with Scotch snuff and asserfedity, hang it up bi the tail in a Duch grosery for 4 months, for the flies tew giv it the trade marks; it iz then awl reddy for use, and kan be cut up into right lengths, and sold for police clubs.This kind ov sarsidge iz the only one who took a gold medal at the Paris imposition.“Pharaoh.”—It iz an actewal fackt that most ov us work harder, tew seem happy, than we should have to, to be happy.“Pedro.”—Before yu buy the hoss yu speak ov, look him477over cluss, but don’t examin him much afterward, for fear yu may cum across sumthing that yu are looking after. This iz a good rule tew foller when yu take a wife.“Pontoon.”—The principal art in flying a kite iz tew git the tail the right heft; tew mutch tail to things iz jist what haz spilte a whole parcel ov clever kites.“Palmer.”—Early impreshions are like the dews on the young flowers, soon dried off, but what the fragrance iz made of.“Pinchback.”—Don’t beleave more than half that yu hear, rumor haz got rising ov 600 toungs, and can lie faster with each one of them than Dexter can trot to an anatomy waggon.“Palmer.”—In reply to yure kind and numerous letter, i am happy tew state that mi age iz a profound sekret, but i waz born in the old-fashioned way in the old ov the moon, am long, but crooked, don’t beleaf in speerits (not even Jamaka speerits;) am married, or waz twenty years ago, and hav every reazon to beleave that I am now; hav never raized enny boys to mi knowledge, on account ov their liability tew git out ov repair; hav turned mi attenshion tew girl children; hav two ov that specie, one ov whom iz now boarding with a yung feller; mi hair iz black, and quite tall behind; i wear a mustash, and number 10 pegged boots; hav a sangunary temperament, and a billyus noze; eat az other folks do, except roasted gooze; roasted gooze iz not one ov mi weaknesses, I kan eat two ov them, and then take a little more ov that are goose; I work for mi bread and roast goose; hav a grey eye, and am alwus az reddy tew wag az the next dog—this iz me. I forgot to state that I waz brought up by a Presbeterian Church in Massachusetts, and am a good job.A LOOSE BILT EPISTLE.DearBrigham:—Excuse this peripatetick letter.I am a vagrant, and a wanderer on the trail ov literature,478and write letters in a rekless, hap-hazard way. I want harnessed young enuff tew be kind in all harness.DIDN’T KNOW HIS WASHERWOMAN.If i had a boy now who had enny simptoms ov enny kind ov lawless, unfixed, and flux noshuns, and who didn’t seem tew kare whether he ever amounted tew enny thing or not, and who couldn’t tell whare he waz last night till half past two this Morning, and who couldn’t recognize hiz own washer-woman, and who wanted tew go into bizzness fur himself, at 16 years old, with a kapital ov two bottles ov Phalon’s extrakt, and a mustash, that resembled the mold on a pound ov limeberger cheese, I would say confidenshally tu him:“Son, i hav ben tew blame thus far in frameing yure timber, but yu kan bet them pattent leather boots yu hav got on, and witch haint bin paid for yet, that from now hereafter yu hav got tew begin agin, and weed out yure gardin sass, and sucker yure grape vine, and plough up yure wild oats, and underdrain yure swamp land, and bush hook yure briar patch and fix yure farm for a krop ov sum kind ov grain that will not disgrace both son and daddy, when it iz brought tew market.”This iz the way i would converse with the young Billings, and if he didn’t begin, in ten minnitts, tew take an akount ov hiz bad dets, but begin tew argy the pint with me, and ackt yung rooster up and down in front ov me, mi strong impreshun iz now, that i would retreat a step and let fly mi left purswader, and land that boy sum 60 feet futher oph than he waz.479It would hav bin six hundred dollars in mi vest pocket if sum philanthropisst, about thirty years ago, had got mi knob in chancery, and not given up the case till he had punched out ov my hed the fresh water noshun that the best way tew foller a blind trail in the wilderness waz not tew take enny compass.This kind ov ded sure knowledge, amung fresh yung men, haz landed four hundred out ov evry five hundred ov them, before they had got half way thru life, into sum soft swamp, and the other hundred hav sot out the close ov their lifes on a fence, lamenting the hard work they did, in their younger daze, tew make * * * phools ov themselfs.I kno it iz az eazy az chawing gum, for a yung instutution ov a boy, who haz got a burning-fluid natur, tew be anxious tew jine all the torch-lite doings in the country, and tew holler “amen” before the prayer iz haff through; but i feel it my duty tew tell these camphene children tew cork up their litening.I don’t want enny body’s boy Billy tew be a ded hed; a skim-milk cheeze; a colporter of water gruel; a putty babeling; a kurl-papered nussery doll; an apron-tied anatomy blonde; a timid corpse amung hiz phellows, afraid ov a bug, and satisfied with a kitten.I ain’t voting for this breed ov boys; i only ask the virginity ov mi sex tew make up their minds, from the experiences ov those who have observed the elaphant, that youth waz given them, not tew be boss, but apprentiss; not tew lead, but tew foller; not tew harvest, but tew plant.There iz no danger in turning a snaik loose; even before he gits fairly haired out, natur teaches him tew make his fust wiggle a correct pattern for hiz last one. She makes him a snaik from the word “go,” and nothing else, and if he takes a noshun tew go tew the devil—who cares?But ov all the most deplorabel luck that kan be the inheritance ov a camphene boy, i don’t kno ov a more dangerous one than tew be hiz own master, or the master ov hiz daddy.I hav known sum ov theze excentricks that Satan couldn’t480ketch, who hav dodged him suckcessfully for the whole ov their lives, but i kan tell you, mi dear boys, it is no credit tew match yourselfs against the devil, even if you hav a ded soft thing. This beating the devil at his own game, is like surviving the small pox, it may make yu proff agin sum more small pox, but yu are sure tew show sum ov the dents.Dear Brigham, theze remarks are not intended tew be personal, they wouldn’t fit yu enny more than a side-saddle would fit the back stretch ov a trottin track, for i know yu hav bin broke tew stand without tieing.SHORT REPLYS.DearAlice.—I kno nothing about musik. I dont kno this tune from the other.I dont kno “Yankee doodle” from “Now I lay me on the grass,” or “Mary had an infant sheep.”I am unkommon sorry for this, but dont think that i am to blame for it.I hav melody in me sumwhare, for enny boddy kan make me kry if they are kareful.I love the tender az i do a rare boiled egg.I hav shed menny a tear, without enny boddy knoing it, over some mother’s catch, or simple lulaby.But this iz kalled mere weakness by the artistiks.I hav seen wimmin in opera, and also hav seen them in fits, and prefer the fits, for then i kno what tew do for them.Yu must git sum proffessor ov musik tew answer yure letter, for i don’t kno enny more about klassikal musik than i do about being a mother-in-law.Theze are two very hard things tew komprehend.I understand all about ice kream, and if yu ever kum down our way, we will hav a bowl ov it together.It dont seem tew require enny branes tew luv ice kream, and i dont kno az it duz tew luv musik.* * * * * * * *481Pensive Rebekker.—I got yure letter bi mistake, for the letter yu sent me, yu wrote for the other phellow.I am only sorry on the other phellow’s ackount, for yure deskripshun ov him, which i should hav received, may worry him.It don’t hurt my pheelings tew be called a “pokey dunce.”I never waz mutch ov a favourite, not even with miself, and often think i am what yu kall me, a “strapping monster.”Dont let this little mistake on yure part worry yu, for i luv frankness, and think just az mutch ov yu az i did before.Artless Jane.—In repli tew yure long letter, i will state promptly, I kant see enny objekshuns tew yure lover kissing yu, not if yu want tew hav him.Theze things are all regulated by the law ovsupplyanddemand.If thare iz a demand for it, the supply iz generally on hand.I dont think it iz best tew be too extravagant in theze matters, for kissing iz like all other hily konsentrated goods, a little ov it goes a good ways.Too mutch kissing is like molassis kandy, it spiles the hanker for plain vittles.But yure own good taste will decide when yu hav bin kisst enuff.Pretty Ruth.—Yu tell me that yure lover haz trifled with yure pheelings, and fled.This has alwus been the trubble, and alwas will be, whare kourting iz did in a kareless way.Courting iz business, and iz jist az mutch ov a game az hi lo jak.If you let yure opponent see yure jak, he will be very apt teu swing and ketch it.Yu shouldn’t let yure lover see yure pheelings tew mutch, but make beleave that yu haint got no jak in yure hand.We all ov us luv what we have tew work the hardest for, and prize it the most when we do git it.482I hav seen the game ov hi lo jak, that I am a talking about, played in this way, and it waz well played too.The phellow held a king, and a ten spot, and the gall held a jack, and a duce.The phellow swung for the jack with his king, and kaught the duce, and then the gall swung with her jak, and kaught his 10 spot.Theze kind ov galls never hav tew advertise for runaway lovers.Gay Betsey.—Mi opinyun ov oysters, on the haff shell, remains unchanged. I konsidder them better vittles than ever jupiter, or hiz wife Juno, swallowed, altho they had the pick ov all the best provishuns in their day.But i kant say that a woman kan take an oyster, oph from a shell, without spileing the effekt.It iz one ov them gimnastik feats, that they should alwas praktiss fust, for a long time, in the subdued stilness ov sum private pantry.I kant tell yu whether an oyster haz got enny pheelings or not, but i kno they hav excellent taste, espeshily the saddle roks.They hav more taste than judgement, and tho they are called muscles, they have no muskaler strength.They are also called “bivalves” bi the unlearned, but this iz a vulgarism.The true name iz “good-bye valves,” a term of affeckshun applied tew them, when they waz fust swallowed whole oph from the haff shell.If you will ponder into history, az i hav, yu will find menny sitch thing az this tew provoke yure gratitude and wisdum.Giv mi love tew yure sister Amelia, and tell her, that i say, she haz got what but phew wimmin hav, who hav got az mutch buty, she haz got a sweet temper.A sweet temper always grows brighter with age, while buty iz extra hazardous, and perishable goods.483WIMMINS RIGHTS. DOG TALK. CORRESPONDENCE.MiDear Miss Jemima Josephine Jenkins:I received your kind letter on time, asking me tew impart mi influence tew prokure for yu the privilege (and sundry and divers other females in yure school deestrikt) tew vote, and hav offis, and do the same things that men do.I hav thought over the thing industriously, and should be happy to floor miself, and all mi energys at yure feet in enny cauze that i thought waz for your happiness and final suckcess.484I am in favour ov wimmin, and they kan own me at enny moment bi asking for me or dropping me a letter.I owe them mi existence, mi fust nourishment, and mi fust virtews.If i am ever saved it will be the result ov woman’s care and influence, at a time when i want worth saving.Woman haz dun for me what no man could or would do.But, Jemima, Eve, yure gratist grandmother, committed a mistake, a good deal bigger than the one which yu are anxious tew commit, but thare iz a remote similarity in the mistakes.She wanted tew kno and hav a hand in awl that waz a going on, and the Devil offered tew teach her, and yu hav heard what the result waz.Mi advise tew yu iz tew stay right whare yu are, yu hav a power now that never kan be less if yu hold on to it, but if yu spit on yure hands tew git a better holt yu may lose yure grip entirely.When yu begin tew vote yu hav got tew learn how tew wrangle, tew jaw back, tew intrigue, and bet yure stamps on the election, and if yu vote contrary tew yure husband thare will be a muss in the family, and if he votes kontrary tew yu there will be a bigger muss in the family.Voting iz a mere negatiff power ennyhow. If a vote aint hove right it iz wuss than no vote, and what assurance hav yu tew offer that yu are going tew vote right? Yu hav more sensitiveness than the men have, and konsequently more prejudices, yu hav got full az mutch vanity and a heap more stubborness.Thare iz more than haff the votes hove now without judgement or influenced bi others.If yu git hold ov the ballot box what reformashuns dew yu propose?I hav never saw yure platform.Yu will vote against whiskee, i hope, and tobbacco, and whiskers, and club rooms, and trotting hosses, and pitching cents, and staying out late nights, and wearing pattent leather boots, two sizes too small, and lots ov this kind ov male iniquity, but what are yu going tu votefor?485Yu will hav tew vote agin trials bi jury, and dispoze ov them or else yu will hav tew sit on jurys, and will this be yure best style?—eight men and four wimmin locked up in a jury room all night together, on bred and water, with yure husbands peeking thru the key holes, tew see how the verdik is a going.Yu will hav tew vote agin a poll tax, and git rid ov poll taxes, or, if yu are poor, yu will hav tew work yure tax out on the road, alongside ov sum rum drinking and tobbaco chawing wretch, who will take grate pains tew chaw, and sware, tew show hiz superiorite tew yu.Yu will hav tew vote agin all riots, and reserexkshuns, and thus put an end tew them, or else when thare iz an irish riot, to kill oph the surpluss niggers, yu will hav tew cum out armed with sumthing, if nothing more than a pair ov tongs, and just az like az not looze yure best waterfall in the mussness, jist think how billyous this will be.Yu will hav tew vote agin awl kind ov housework, for how kan yu run the United States government, if yu are kept patching pantaloons all the time?Yu will hav tew vote agin enny more human beings making their appearance, for who iz a going tew nourish the babe, while yu are down tew the town hall, trieing tew elekt a favourite constabel, yure husband kant do it enny how, unless yu hav him rekonstrukted.Suppoze yu git elekted tew congress from yure distrikt, every woman in the country, who haz got a husband thare, will be on hand tew watch how things are a going, and yu will be acused ov transgreshuns, that never entered yure hed, or hart.Suppoze yu had a vote to day, dew yu know of enny woman on arth, that yu would vote for, i mean, unmarried woman, like yureself?Miss Jemima, Josephine, Jenkins, the more i grind these things in mi mind, the more i think yu had better turn yure attenshun towards harvesting a good hustband, and making his house the envy ov the naberhood, bi the gentle, and486domestik virtews, which Heaven haz so lavishly loaned tew yu, rather than attending caucusses, holding wimmin convenshuns, or travelling athwart the country, in company with a set of longhaired, male hybrids, who haven’t got enny reputashun tew spare, and who will cheat yu out ov what yu hav got.If you or enny other virtewous, gentle woman, wants an ernest defender, one who beleaves that yure sex holds the ballance ov power now, one who looks upon a mother (who ever she iz) az the queen ov the situation, one who looks upon a sister az an angel friend, one who looks upon a daughter az the gift of God, one who looks upon a wife with awl the pathos of venerashun, if yu want any help from sich a pheller, in battling with the trials that Heaven haz planted in the pathway ov a womans legitimate sphear, send for me, i am yure man.But i hav no ambishun tew see yu a voter, and i think the hour which sees yure sex, in this country, voters, will see the eazy and rapid dissolushun ov the only barrier we have, between the coarse instinkts ov man, and the sakred safety ov the domestick vertews, ov which yu hav been ordained the vestal keepers.Pardon me, Miss Jemima, if mi language in this letter iz strong, it cums from a strong place, mi heart, if i didn’t mean what i say i should hav bin az sweet az a courtier, i should hav torked about the gorgeous mission of woman, the exalted career that might be opened for her in walks yet untrod, and other rhapsodys in the key bugle style, but i kno the power that woman haz over me, and i kno whare it lays, it dont lay in the ballot box, it lays in that misterious delikasy ov hers, thoze silken threads, whoze power iz invisible.In summing up, if i kno ennything about human natur all that “Wimmin’s rights” means, iz,more power, and enny woman who would exchange a single article, in the “magna-karta” which she now iz empress ov, for the whole ov the byelaws, constitushun, and power sought for, in the ranting programme ov a “wimmins right convenshun,” would be swapping an intrinsick bower, for an emaskulated privilege.487“Barney.”—I received the rat tarrier yu sent me by the Merchants’ Union Express, last evening, and gave him a quart ov milk for hiz tea.He pocketed the milk, and wagged for sum more; it made him stick out like a false caff.He slept sound last night, and hasn’t waked up yet, altho it iz now 10 o’clock this morning.I have stopped writing tew tickle hiz nose with a pin, and he iz now rushing things around the room for sum rats.He haz just tipped over a Chinese god, worth 8 dollars, and broke him, he will git rats when mi wife cums in.He kant find enny rats, and is now chawing oph mi little boy’s toe—to hiz shoe.He iz now crazy for rats agin, and will smash the other vase agin, I’ll bet.Thare goes the other vase, bi thunder! all tew powder.He iz now out ov wind, and iz running hiz tung out and in.He wants tew go out doors for sumthing, and i hav let him went.He haz just found a poor little boy in the street, whom he knows, and the boy seems tew know him, and they hav gone round the next block, on a run, together, tew see sumthing.He don’t seem tew cum back!It iz now to-morrow, and the tarrier don’t seem tew cum back.My wife iz glad ov it.I am out 2 vases, a quart of nu milk, and one tarrier.My wife sez, if i ever buy another rat pup, she will put him tew immediate soak in the cistern at onst.Mi wife iz one ov them kind ov wimmin that don’t make enny statements unless they are true, so yu needn’t send me enny more tarrier.“Fred.”—Yu aint obliged tu ask a gals mother, if yu ma go home with her from a partee, git the gals endorsement, and sale in; it iz proper enuff tu ask her tu take yure arm, but yu haint got no rite tu put yure arm around her waste, unless yu488meet a Bear on the rode, and then yu are bound tu take yure arm away, just az soon az the Bear gits safely by.“Snyder.”—Rats originally cum from Norway, and i wish they had originally staid thare. They are about as uncalled for as a pain in the small ov the back. They kan be domestikated dreadful eazy, that is, as far as gitting in cupboards, and eating cheese, and knawing pie, is concerned.The best way tew domestikate them that ever I saw, is tew surround them gently, with a steel trap; yu kan reason with them then tew grate advantage.Rats are migratorious, they migrately whare ever they hav a mind to.Pisen is also good for rats; it softens their whole moral naturs.Cats hate rats, and rats hate cats, and—who don’t.I serpose thare is between 50 and 60 millions of rats in Amerika (i quote now entirely from memory,) and i don’t serpose thare is a single necessary rat in the whole lot. This shows at a glance how menny waste rats thare is. Rats enhance in numbers, faster than shoe pegs do by machinery. One pair ov helthy rats is awl that enny man wants tew start the rat bissiness with, and in ninety days, without enny outlay, he will begin tew hav rats,—tew turn oph.Stujent.—We never furnish ortograffs in less quantity than489bi the package. It iz a bizness that grate men hav got into, but it dont strik us az being profitable nor amuzing. We furnished a near and very dear friend our ortograff a few years ago, for 90 days, and it got into the hands ov one of the banks, and it kost us $275 tew get it back. We went out of the bizzness then, and have not hankered for it sinse.Manifess destiny iz a disseaze, but it iz eazy tew heal; i hav seen it in its wust stages cured bi sawing a cord ov dri hickory wood. I thought i had it onse, it broke out in the shape ov poetry; i sent a speciment ov the disseaze tew a magazine, the magazine man wrote me nex day as follers:“Dear Sur: Yu may be a darn phule, but yu are no poeck. Yures, in haste.”Matty—It iz very natral that you should ask me in what manner you should reseave the proposal from your lover. It iz sumthing ov a trick tew dew it nice. You don’t ought tew jump into the collar suddin, nor fly back suddin, like a bocky hoss, but yu ought tew take it kind, looking down hill, with an expreshun, about half tickled and half scart. After the pop iz over, if your luvver wants tew kiss you, I dont think I would say yes or no, but let the thing kind ov take its own course.Mirakle:—Yu sa “yu kant understand the mirakle ov the whale, that swallered Joner.” I dont serpose that Joner, nor the whale, ever fully understood it themselfs. I kant tell yu what Joner did while in the whale’s sosiety; but i kno what a yankee would hav did, he would hav rigged a rudder on the animal, and run him into port, and either klaimed the ile for salvage, or sold out his chanse.490SHORT, BUT SWEET.JOSH AT HUMRichard.—Yu done wisely tew ask me questions inNatral history. I am perfektly at hum amung beasts, burds, and fishes. I kan tell whi the flea bights, whi the bull bellers, and whi the rinosseross hasn’t got but one tusk, and that on the top of his knoze. I hav writ the biography ov all theze kritters, from the genial muskeeter and pensiv cockroach klean up tew the elephant, with hiz trunk, and the lion, who hain’t got enny trunk at all. You ask me about the zebra. The zebra iz a striped hoss, the wildesst thing in natral history ov hiz size, and az hard tew civilize az the hyena, and az useless, when civilized, az the osstritch or the rattlesnaik. They don’t inhabit the United States at large; they may liv in Kanda, if they hav a mind to—I never hav been thare tew diskover. They are about the size ov a moderate mule, but they kant kik with the mule. Thare ain’t nothing that kiks for phun or kiks for a living that kan outkik a mule, except it iz an old-fashioned, Continental, revolushionary war, Fourth ov July musket. Put about 3 and a haff inches ov powder491into one ov theze old vetrans of 1776, ram it down heavy, and lay it on a stump, and tutch it oph with a slo match, and I had just az leafs stand in front ov it az tew stand in the rear ov it. Thare iz sum ov the oldest and crossest ov theze muskets that will kik, and even squeal, if yu go near them, whether they are loaded or not. The zebra iz ov no use whatever only tew look at, at 25 cents a chance, in sum circus tent, but after they are broke they are spilte for enny thing else. They are like all other wild animals—fleet only for a short distance; and civilizashun iz a grate damage tew them, just az it iz tew an injun. Deth iz the only kind ov civilizashun that an injun kan understand.Caroline.—Yu ask me whi i dont write sweet, and sentimental, and luvly things.I aint bilt right, Caroline, for that kind ov labor.I am tew round-shouldered, tew write perfumed sentances.When i git hold ov an idee, i hav tew let it go out, into the world, like a bird oph from mi hand, bareheaded, and barefooted, a sort ov vagrant.If i should undertake tew dress it up in fine clothes, sum folks would say i stole the idee, and other folks would say i tried tew steal the clothes, tew dress it in, and got ketched at it.I make no pretentions tew literature, i pay no homage tew elegant sentances, i had rather be the father ov one genuine, original truth, i don’t kare if it iz az humpbacked az a drumudary, than tew be the author ov a whole volume ov glittering cadences, gotten up, for wintergreen-eating schoolgirls tew nibble at.Benjamin.—Horace Greeley iz not what may be termed a praktikal farmer, he iz what iz kalled a dikshionary farmer.The papers tell us he looks for cabages on trees, digs for apples, hunts stun walls for hens eggs, haz tried tew improve the flavor ov mutton, by a kross ov the hidraulik ram on the south-down, splits the duks feet, so they kan stand a fair chance with a hen when they cum tew the skratch, combs hiz roosters heds, by cutting oph their topnots, lathers and shaves492hiz phatting hogs 3 times a week, makes his cows wear greengogles, so they will mistake shavings, and peabrush for clover, piks hiz geese once in 24 hours tew keep them cool, and throws away the feathers, digs a hoel in the ground and plants oats, a pek in a place, and runs a grind stun, and two pattent churns, by konnekting sum kind ov a pattent kontrivance to hiz cows tails in fli time.Now if theze fakts are trew, Horace Greely iz not a praktikal farmer, he iz only a genius in husbandry a hundred years ahed ov the time.I haven’t mutch doubt miself a hundred years from now science and theory, and book larning will have so changed agrikultur that every time a hen laze an egg, they won’t indulge in the silly kackel they do now, but will sing sum lively air, and the old rooster will dance tew the musik in front ov the nest.Thare iz a good time comeing, so we are told, and we have waited so long for it, we might az well hang on now till it cums.Prudence.—I received yure kind letter yesterday, and must admit that i kant answer yure question.I don’t kno what a Dolly Varden iz.I kno that all the ladys, when they walk out, hav an immense sight of clothes, all in one spot, about the center ov their backs, but whether this iz a Dolly Varden, or knot, I dont kno, and darsent ask.I hav looked in Webster unabridged, and kant find it thare. I hav waded in the ensiklopedio, and lo! it aint thare. I have asked all mi bacheler friends, and they blush, and begin tew talk about the poets, Longfellow and Harry Bassett. I have spoke tew married men about it, (I am married too) and they say “hush” and pass on in a grate hurry, and I begin tew guess, the whole thing iz a kussid sell, got up expressly to Bear the market.Prudence, I giv it up square, I dont kno what a Dolly Varden iz, and I aint a going tew try to find out enny more nuther, for I am satisfied, from what I hav found out about it allready, that it iz none ov mi bizzness.493Picayune.—The sucker iz not a game phish, the very name indicates that.They won’t bight at a hook, and are a lazy set ov vagrants, emigrating in the spring ov the year, out ov muddy mill ponds, up sluggish streams, into the country.They kant liv in swift water, they are too lazy tew ketch their breth in it.They are az tasteless az a merino potatoe, and az for general intelligence, are jist about on a par, with a korn kob.They are kaught with a spear, and thare iz just about az mutch sport in it, az stabbing seed cowcumbers in a garden, by moonlite, with a three-tined fork.Howard.—Your letter iz come tew hand and its kontents karefully weighed, and I find that they don’t weigh heavy.In reply, we beg leaf tew state that the North Pole haz not bin found out yet.Du notiss ov its length, and its size at the butt, and the kind ov fowls that hav bin roostin on it, and the kind ov wood on which it iz bilt, and the amount ov kindling wood it would undoubtedly make, well split up, and its universal history will appear in the Spice Box collum, just az soon az the Pole iz got.In the mean time keep cool, kultivate your mustash, be polite tew your ritch aunt, if you hav got one, studdy Hall’s guide tew health, and shun all grass-widders.Caroline.—Yu ask us, “Which iz worth the most tew a woman, buty, or modesty.”For a quick return, perhaps buty iz, but for an investment, for the sake ov the interest, we rekomend modesty.Modesty never grows stale, but buty iz like bukwheat kakes, aint good kold, nor warmed up nex day.We konsider buty one ov the bestkollatteralsthat a woman kan possess, but if she haint got nothing else but buty, she aint no better off than she would be with a life insurance policy, which was forfeited for the non-payment of premiums.Buty alone wontwearwell, and thare iz a grate deal of it now daze that wontwashat all and keep its color.494JOSH REPLIES.“Thomas.”—“Jordan is a hard road to travel,” i kant tell you who was the inventor ov this saying, sum foot sore cus probably, who waz too lazy to keep a hoss and waggon, or else a hotel darkey carryin’ trunks all day.A HARD ROAD TO TRABBLE.“Ferdinand.”—“Man wants but little here belo, nor wants that little long,” iz a libel, manwantsevrything he kan see, or hear ov, and never is willing to let go ov hiz grab. Whenever yu find a man who iz thoroughly satisfied with what he has got, yu will find either an ideot, or one who haz tried to git more and couldn’t do it.The older a man grows, the more wantful he bekums, and az hiz hold on life slakens, hiz pinch on a dollar grows grippy.“Herod.”—He that puts a small value on hiz services, issues proposals tew the lowest bidder. When yu make a request ov divine Providence, it iz best to be modest, if yu expekt to git what you ask for, but there is so little modesty in the world, between men, that when we cum acrost it, we mistake it for ignorance or imbecility. Yu will often see little boys ketching flies, and killing them just for fun, but you don’t see them ketch hornets just for fun. The sting in the hornet’s tail iz what makes him respektable.“Miller.”—Yu hav got it right the fust time, ingratitude is one ov them crimes that evry boddy sticks up their noze495at, it is the worst insult we kan giv, or receive, it lets a man drop down belo the level ov the dum brutes, for the yellowest, and meanest dog in the United States wags hiz tail, if yu throw him but a burnt crust. What an awful thought it iz, that ingratitude iz the common sin against God.“Matilda.”—Kissing is one ov the rudiments, babys are learnt it instead ov the alphabet, but they dont understand the strong points in it, yet they seem tew luv it without knowing why, this iz a bricky argument that kissing iz one ov naturs most natural noshuns. I kant tell yu whether thare is enny pertikular etiket to be observed in administrating a kiss or not. Between lovers it iz sumtimes usual to kiss and hang on, but it strikes me that the best way iz tew cum up frunt face, in single file, then fire and fall back one pace, this gives the patients a chance tew get the flavour. The grate buty ov a kiss lies in its impulsiveness, and in its impressibility, two pretty big words, but worth the munny.I haven’t dun enny thing in the kissing line, (ov an amateur natur,) ov late years, and there may be sum new dodge, that i aint posted in, but the old-fashioned, 25 year ago kind, i remember fresh, that kind didn’t hav enny mathematicks in it, but waz more like spontaneous combustion.Kissing, az a general thing, iz not very interesting tew bystanders, and iz sumtimes even looked upon, by a third party, az uncalled-for.“Warwick.”—“He that giveth tew the poor, lendeth tew the Lord,” if yu had read yure Bible az mutch az i hav, yu wouldn’t hav asked me if Shakespeare wrote this remark.Charity iz az mutch ov a privilege, az it iz a duty, and lending to the Lord, iz undoubted security, for enny man’s munny.He that gives nothing away while living, dies a bankrupt, and hiz estate iz generally settled by hiz heirs, a good deal az the crows settle a ded hoss, by pitching into the remains.Thare iz menny folks whoze hearts bile with charity, but whoze extremitys are cold, a half a dollar kontrakts tew a 3 cent piece, by the time it reaches the end ov their fingers.“Gildad.”—Yure juicy letter haz questions enuff tew make496a distrikt-school-master faint, and if i should answer them all, yu would be fuller ov edukashun than an aulmanak.Who the author ov the saying, “the good die yung,” waz, i don’t care, but i will remark, if that iz a good bet, the yunger a man kan die the better; and not tew be born at all, iz a ded sure thing.Again, az it regards the number ov years that a kat kan live, that depends entirely upon circumstances, they kant liv over Sunday with me.“Abel.”—Yu kant pick out a hipokrite by his looks, enny more than yu kan a fat oyster by the shell, they are frequently like an old musket, laid away up garret, hav often bin known, tew let oph a charge, that had been sleeping, with one eye open, for 3 years. They are like silver-plated forks, wear well for a long time, but are sure to show the odious brass at last.“Hannibal.”—Giving presents, with the hope of receiving presents in return, takes away awl the cream ov giving, or receiving, it is like swopping skim-milk, for milk that has bin skimd.“Mercury.”—“Owe for a lodge in sum vast wilderness,” waz the private opinion of Mr. Cowper, one ov the very few men, who hav lived yet, who waz pure enuff, tew monopolize a woods, without enny company but his soul, and the God who made it. Most people holler for solitude without thinking that it iz a thickly settled place, full ov memorys. Solitude is the last place for a good man to go to, and the only place that a wicked man kant liv in. Even wild beasts dont like solitude, and luv tew see the smoke ov a chimbly. Solitude, in small doses, iz all well enuff, but 25 miles square ov it, would make most men, either a counterfiter, or a hoss thief.497JOSH BILLINGS CORRESPONDS WITH A “HAIR OIL AND VEGETABLE BITTERS MAN.”Dear Doktor Hirsute:—I reseaved a tin cup ov yure “Hair purswader,” also a bottle ov yure“Salvashun Bitters,” bi express, for which, I express my thanks.The greenbak, which yu enklozed waz the kind ov purswader that we ov the press fully understand.Yur hair grease, shall hav a reglar gimnastik puff, jist az soon az i kan find a spare time.I tried a little ov it on an old counter brush in my offiss, this morning, and in 15 minnitts, the brussells grew long az a hosses tale, and i notis this afternoon, the hair begins tew cum up thru, on bak ov the brush, ’tis really wonderful! ’tis almoste Eureka! I rubbed a drop or two on the head ov mi cane, which haz bin bald for more than 5 years, and beggar me! if I don’t hav to shave the cane handle, evry day, before I can walk out with it.I hav a verry favrite cat, she iz one ov the Hambletonian breed ov cats, and altho she iz yung, and haint bin trained yet, she shows grate signs ov speed.I thought I would just rub the corck ov the bottle on the floor, in the corner ov the room whare the cat generally repozes.The consequents waz, sum ov the “purswader” got onto the hair ov the cat’s tale.When the cat aroze from her slumbers she caught sight ov her tale, which had growed tew an exalted size; taking one498more look at the tale, she started, and bi the good olde Moses! sich running; across the yard! over the fence! up wun side ov an apple tree! and down the other! out into the fields, away! away! The laste i saw ov the cat, she waz pretty mutch awl tale.
{ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.}
Mister Brown.—In haste, dear sur, I repli tew yure letter thusly:
Jews harps are a one stringed instrument, held between the teeth, blowed on gently, and tickled with the fore-finger. The musik which they yield is balmy, but looses much of its melloness unless played upon bi a bull frog. I hav listened for hours at a bull frog playing on a Jews harp, and wept like a child. This iz the kind a musik that enters mi soul like a sister ov charity out ov a job. I hav a yung female bull frog now in mi employ, who plays the Jews harp quite bully for one ov her sex. Sum people must hav opera musik or they aint helthy, but giv me the liquid Jews harp, tickled bi the yung and impashioned bull frog.
If i waz ritch i would buy me two akers ov swamp ground, issue proposals for a millyun ov Jews harps, and set every bull frog on mi farm to instrumental musik.
Thare are others who aint happy unless they kan hear the pensiv murmers ov the bass drum, or the hoarse gutteral ov the trombone, or the pig like laffing ov the fife, or the jigger ov the banjo and the bones.
I hav nothing but pitty for sich depraved tasted critters, and look forward, with the joyful gush ov a missionary, to the time when bull frogs will set under every vine and fig tree, tickling the buzzom ov a Jews harp.
If i kan hav plenty ov Jews harps, and a bull frog, i dont kare if i dont never hear a hand orgin agin.
4 LETTERS.
4 LETTERS.
Mister Bates.—The best kind ov bate for a rat, iz toasted cheeze, and the best kind ov a trap, iz the one, that will ketch them the oftenest, and hang onto them the most. It aint always a sure thing tew ketch a rat bi the tail, i hav knew them tew bight oph their tail, just outside ov the jaws ov the trap, and thus save their rat meat.
Bob tailed rats hav ceased tew be a curiosity to me long ago.
Once i should hav looked upon a bob-tailed rat with mingled pheelings ov pitty, and suprise, but them daze hav fled from me, i look upon a bob-tailed rat now, as a cluss bizzness transackshun.
Rats are one ov the far-famed butys ov civilashun, they wont live in the wildernes, and i wouldn’t if i waz they.
Sum folks are so enlightened they kant bear rats, but az i lay in mi bed, at mi boarding hous, at the deceased hours ov night, it iz one ov mi priviliges, tew hear the rats chawing holes throu the base boards, and playing tag in the wainscote.
Rats are very prolifick, one pair ov assorted rats, will keep a phamily in rats for years.
Rats are very easy tew keep, thare aint but phew things but what they will eat, and them phew things are locked up.
Rats are not a subjekt ov diet in this country, but i am told bi missionarys, that rat pi, iz thick in China.
I shouldn’t wonder if rat pi might be good, but i hav alwus accustomed mi self to plain vittles.
Mister Barnes.—Hash iz made out ov cast oph vittles.
Hash haz done more for the human race ov man than almost enny other breed ov food.
For breakfast, a small tender-lion steak, sum few ham & eggs, 3 baked potatoze, a plate of buttered toast, sum slap jacks, 2 cups of coffy, and sum hash iz good.
I like to eat hash this way better than enny other.
Sum pholks alwuz raize their noze up at hash.
If yu search history, with one eye, yu will find theze folks, 20, or 30 years ago, more or less, were born on hash.
I hav seen hash miself, that i had mi doubts about, but i et it, and still liv.
I love hash as a principle, and this iz mi rule, i watch the landlady, and if she eats it, i take the sekond plate.
This makes me very popular at all the boarding houses which I attend.
If folks would be a leetle more penurious with their hash, and not git stubs ov tallo kandles, babys morocko shoes, and now and then a fine tooth comb, that want more than half worn out, into their hash, hash would stand to day, at the head of all mux food.
Mister Bartlett.—Ov all the animals who waz brought akrost the waters, into this country, by that grate improver ov the breed ov kattle Noah, i consider the cow the most respektable.
A cow iz a kind ov old aunt in the family.
I dont kno ov a more honest, and salubrious sight, than a brindle cow, that wont kik, and who gives 10 quarts ov milk that aint watered.
It iz unkommon hard to git a cow to giv milk that aint watered now daze, thare iz a grate difference in cows about this.
It iz sed the cowcumber derives its name from the cow, but whether this iz so, or not, i kant find out.
Probably it iz, becauze they resemble the cow so mutch.
The cowcumber cums under the hed ov gardin sass, and they gro on a running vine, and the vine kan beat every vine running, for 100 yards, in Amerika, after it gits started.
They are a little balky about starting.
I hav known a cowcumber vine to run 15 foot in one night besides giving birth to 7 young cowcumbers on the way.
Kowcumbers kut up into thin slices, and rooled in peper, and psalt, and soaked in vinegar, are good, for a sharp pain in the hebdominal region.
A cowcumber iz about the only thing that i kan remember ov now, that iz good for nothing, after it reaches perfektshun.
Mister Boggs.—Yure letter, informing me ov the loss ov yure dog, reached me by yesterday’s male.
I know how to commune with you, Boggs, for i hav been deprived ov a dog once miself.
I lost a most flattering purp on the 16th day of March three years ago.
I found him ded in a vakant lot, near mi house.
He probably had been struck with lightning, or sumthin else.
He waz a most gifted pup, and could jerk a night-gown oft from a clothes line, or worry a goose, most butiful tew behold.
He waz a bul pup, but iz no more.
Tiger waz hiz fust name.
I hav made up mi mind never to own enny more dog.
Dog comfort, in this world iz, like all other joy, liable to leak.
Human happiness iz skase enny how, and wants too mutch watching, to be invested in dorgs.
“Philander.”—If yu borrow ov the Devil, yu must keep yure eye peeled wide open, for the Devil always takes a mortgage, and seldum takes one, that he fails tew foreclose.
“Plato.”—Mi experience, az far az i have got, iz this, that i kan most alwus find out the style ov milk in enny man’s moral kokernutt, by hearing hiz opinion ov hiz nearest nabors, for men are quite apt tew dam in others, what they hav got the most ov themselfs, and praze what they have got the least ov.
“Pindar.”—The strongest sentiment in woman iz modesty, and the next strongest iz a silk dress, made in the fashion. The strongest sentiment in man iz money, and the next strongest iz 10 per cent. for the use ov it.
“Phillip.”—If yu expekt to win, yu hav got to suffer,—the bible tells us that heaven must be taken with hard knocks.
“Pan.”—Fame iz very mutch like good health, them men who hunt for it the most find it the least.
“Powell.”—Luv at fust sight iz perhaps a leetle risky, but it iz the richest, and most lastingest luv the heart ever feels.
“Postboy.”—Marrying for munny, iz much like falling out ov a third story winder, if yu happen tew make a goodstrike, it iz a fust-rate excuse for never trying it again.
“Peacock.”—Yu will find in yure journey through this vale ov tears and valley ov dispair, mutch tew fill yure soul with anguish, and dissapointments bitter:—thare iz one thing partickularly apt tew go back ov a yung man, whoze buzzum iz trieing tew bust with hope, and that iz—hiz mustash.
“Pilot.”—A man may hav a grate deal ov edukashun, and not be verry wize, after awl; jist az he may hav a heap ov strength, and not know the best holts.
“Pilgarlick.”—Yu ask me the best way tew make berlony sarsage. Here iz the best, and only way:
Take an eel, about six feet in length, and about one feet in wideness, (git a lively eel if possibel); skin the eel lengthways from hed to foot, and stuff the skin with pulvarized gutty perchy, and equal parts ov merino wool; seazon with Scotch snuff and asserfedity, hang it up bi the tail in a Duch grosery for 4 months, for the flies tew giv it the trade marks; it iz then awl reddy for use, and kan be cut up into right lengths, and sold for police clubs.
This kind ov sarsidge iz the only one who took a gold medal at the Paris imposition.
“Pharaoh.”—It iz an actewal fackt that most ov us work harder, tew seem happy, than we should have to, to be happy.
“Pedro.”—Before yu buy the hoss yu speak ov, look him477over cluss, but don’t examin him much afterward, for fear yu may cum across sumthing that yu are looking after. This iz a good rule tew foller when yu take a wife.
“Pontoon.”—The principal art in flying a kite iz tew git the tail the right heft; tew mutch tail to things iz jist what haz spilte a whole parcel ov clever kites.
“Palmer.”—Early impreshions are like the dews on the young flowers, soon dried off, but what the fragrance iz made of.
“Pinchback.”—Don’t beleave more than half that yu hear, rumor haz got rising ov 600 toungs, and can lie faster with each one of them than Dexter can trot to an anatomy waggon.
“Palmer.”—In reply to yure kind and numerous letter, i am happy tew state that mi age iz a profound sekret, but i waz born in the old-fashioned way in the old ov the moon, am long, but crooked, don’t beleaf in speerits (not even Jamaka speerits;) am married, or waz twenty years ago, and hav every reazon to beleave that I am now; hav never raized enny boys to mi knowledge, on account ov their liability tew git out ov repair; hav turned mi attenshion tew girl children; hav two ov that specie, one ov whom iz now boarding with a yung feller; mi hair iz black, and quite tall behind; i wear a mustash, and number 10 pegged boots; hav a sangunary temperament, and a billyus noze; eat az other folks do, except roasted gooze; roasted gooze iz not one ov mi weaknesses, I kan eat two ov them, and then take a little more ov that are goose; I work for mi bread and roast goose; hav a grey eye, and am alwus az reddy tew wag az the next dog—this iz me. I forgot to state that I waz brought up by a Presbeterian Church in Massachusetts, and am a good job.
DearBrigham:—Excuse this peripatetick letter.
I am a vagrant, and a wanderer on the trail ov literature,478and write letters in a rekless, hap-hazard way. I want harnessed young enuff tew be kind in all harness.
DIDN’T KNOW HIS WASHERWOMAN.
DIDN’T KNOW HIS WASHERWOMAN.
If i had a boy now who had enny simptoms ov enny kind ov lawless, unfixed, and flux noshuns, and who didn’t seem tew kare whether he ever amounted tew enny thing or not, and who couldn’t tell whare he waz last night till half past two this Morning, and who couldn’t recognize hiz own washer-woman, and who wanted tew go into bizzness fur himself, at 16 years old, with a kapital ov two bottles ov Phalon’s extrakt, and a mustash, that resembled the mold on a pound ov limeberger cheese, I would say confidenshally tu him:
“Son, i hav ben tew blame thus far in frameing yure timber, but yu kan bet them pattent leather boots yu hav got on, and witch haint bin paid for yet, that from now hereafter yu hav got tew begin agin, and weed out yure gardin sass, and sucker yure grape vine, and plough up yure wild oats, and underdrain yure swamp land, and bush hook yure briar patch and fix yure farm for a krop ov sum kind ov grain that will not disgrace both son and daddy, when it iz brought tew market.”
This iz the way i would converse with the young Billings, and if he didn’t begin, in ten minnitts, tew take an akount ov hiz bad dets, but begin tew argy the pint with me, and ackt yung rooster up and down in front ov me, mi strong impreshun iz now, that i would retreat a step and let fly mi left purswader, and land that boy sum 60 feet futher oph than he waz.
It would hav bin six hundred dollars in mi vest pocket if sum philanthropisst, about thirty years ago, had got mi knob in chancery, and not given up the case till he had punched out ov my hed the fresh water noshun that the best way tew foller a blind trail in the wilderness waz not tew take enny compass.
This kind ov ded sure knowledge, amung fresh yung men, haz landed four hundred out ov evry five hundred ov them, before they had got half way thru life, into sum soft swamp, and the other hundred hav sot out the close ov their lifes on a fence, lamenting the hard work they did, in their younger daze, tew make * * * phools ov themselfs.
I kno it iz az eazy az chawing gum, for a yung instutution ov a boy, who haz got a burning-fluid natur, tew be anxious tew jine all the torch-lite doings in the country, and tew holler “amen” before the prayer iz haff through; but i feel it my duty tew tell these camphene children tew cork up their litening.
I don’t want enny body’s boy Billy tew be a ded hed; a skim-milk cheeze; a colporter of water gruel; a putty babeling; a kurl-papered nussery doll; an apron-tied anatomy blonde; a timid corpse amung hiz phellows, afraid ov a bug, and satisfied with a kitten.
I ain’t voting for this breed ov boys; i only ask the virginity ov mi sex tew make up their minds, from the experiences ov those who have observed the elaphant, that youth waz given them, not tew be boss, but apprentiss; not tew lead, but tew foller; not tew harvest, but tew plant.
There iz no danger in turning a snaik loose; even before he gits fairly haired out, natur teaches him tew make his fust wiggle a correct pattern for hiz last one. She makes him a snaik from the word “go,” and nothing else, and if he takes a noshun tew go tew the devil—who cares?
But ov all the most deplorabel luck that kan be the inheritance ov a camphene boy, i don’t kno ov a more dangerous one than tew be hiz own master, or the master ov hiz daddy.
I hav known sum ov theze excentricks that Satan couldn’t480ketch, who hav dodged him suckcessfully for the whole ov their lives, but i kan tell you, mi dear boys, it is no credit tew match yourselfs against the devil, even if you hav a ded soft thing. This beating the devil at his own game, is like surviving the small pox, it may make yu proff agin sum more small pox, but yu are sure tew show sum ov the dents.
Dear Brigham, theze remarks are not intended tew be personal, they wouldn’t fit yu enny more than a side-saddle would fit the back stretch ov a trottin track, for i know yu hav bin broke tew stand without tieing.
DearAlice.—I kno nothing about musik. I dont kno this tune from the other.
I dont kno “Yankee doodle” from “Now I lay me on the grass,” or “Mary had an infant sheep.”
I am unkommon sorry for this, but dont think that i am to blame for it.
I hav melody in me sumwhare, for enny boddy kan make me kry if they are kareful.
I love the tender az i do a rare boiled egg.
I hav shed menny a tear, without enny boddy knoing it, over some mother’s catch, or simple lulaby.
But this iz kalled mere weakness by the artistiks.
I hav seen wimmin in opera, and also hav seen them in fits, and prefer the fits, for then i kno what tew do for them.
Yu must git sum proffessor ov musik tew answer yure letter, for i don’t kno enny more about klassikal musik than i do about being a mother-in-law.
Theze are two very hard things tew komprehend.
I understand all about ice kream, and if yu ever kum down our way, we will hav a bowl ov it together.
It dont seem tew require enny branes tew luv ice kream, and i dont kno az it duz tew luv musik.
* * * * * * * *
Pensive Rebekker.—I got yure letter bi mistake, for the letter yu sent me, yu wrote for the other phellow.
I am only sorry on the other phellow’s ackount, for yure deskripshun ov him, which i should hav received, may worry him.
It don’t hurt my pheelings tew be called a “pokey dunce.”
I never waz mutch ov a favourite, not even with miself, and often think i am what yu kall me, a “strapping monster.”
Dont let this little mistake on yure part worry yu, for i luv frankness, and think just az mutch ov yu az i did before.
Artless Jane.—In repli tew yure long letter, i will state promptly, I kant see enny objekshuns tew yure lover kissing yu, not if yu want tew hav him.
Theze things are all regulated by the law ovsupplyanddemand.
If thare iz a demand for it, the supply iz generally on hand.
I dont think it iz best tew be too extravagant in theze matters, for kissing iz like all other hily konsentrated goods, a little ov it goes a good ways.
Too mutch kissing is like molassis kandy, it spiles the hanker for plain vittles.
But yure own good taste will decide when yu hav bin kisst enuff.
Pretty Ruth.—Yu tell me that yure lover haz trifled with yure pheelings, and fled.
This has alwus been the trubble, and alwas will be, whare kourting iz did in a kareless way.
Courting iz business, and iz jist az mutch ov a game az hi lo jak.
If you let yure opponent see yure jak, he will be very apt teu swing and ketch it.
Yu shouldn’t let yure lover see yure pheelings tew mutch, but make beleave that yu haint got no jak in yure hand.
We all ov us luv what we have tew work the hardest for, and prize it the most when we do git it.
I hav seen the game ov hi lo jak, that I am a talking about, played in this way, and it waz well played too.
The phellow held a king, and a ten spot, and the gall held a jack, and a duce.
The phellow swung for the jack with his king, and kaught the duce, and then the gall swung with her jak, and kaught his 10 spot.
Theze kind ov galls never hav tew advertise for runaway lovers.
Gay Betsey.—Mi opinyun ov oysters, on the haff shell, remains unchanged. I konsidder them better vittles than ever jupiter, or hiz wife Juno, swallowed, altho they had the pick ov all the best provishuns in their day.
But i kant say that a woman kan take an oyster, oph from a shell, without spileing the effekt.
It iz one ov them gimnastik feats, that they should alwas praktiss fust, for a long time, in the subdued stilness ov sum private pantry.
I kant tell yu whether an oyster haz got enny pheelings or not, but i kno they hav excellent taste, espeshily the saddle roks.
They hav more taste than judgement, and tho they are called muscles, they have no muskaler strength.
They are also called “bivalves” bi the unlearned, but this iz a vulgarism.
The true name iz “good-bye valves,” a term of affeckshun applied tew them, when they waz fust swallowed whole oph from the haff shell.
If you will ponder into history, az i hav, yu will find menny sitch thing az this tew provoke yure gratitude and wisdum.
Giv mi love tew yure sister Amelia, and tell her, that i say, she haz got what but phew wimmin hav, who hav got az mutch buty, she haz got a sweet temper.
A sweet temper always grows brighter with age, while buty iz extra hazardous, and perishable goods.
MiDear Miss Jemima Josephine Jenkins:
I received your kind letter on time, asking me tew impart mi influence tew prokure for yu the privilege (and sundry and divers other females in yure school deestrikt) tew vote, and hav offis, and do the same things that men do.
I hav thought over the thing industriously, and should be happy to floor miself, and all mi energys at yure feet in enny cauze that i thought waz for your happiness and final suckcess.
I am in favour ov wimmin, and they kan own me at enny moment bi asking for me or dropping me a letter.
I owe them mi existence, mi fust nourishment, and mi fust virtews.
If i am ever saved it will be the result ov woman’s care and influence, at a time when i want worth saving.
Woman haz dun for me what no man could or would do.
But, Jemima, Eve, yure gratist grandmother, committed a mistake, a good deal bigger than the one which yu are anxious tew commit, but thare iz a remote similarity in the mistakes.
She wanted tew kno and hav a hand in awl that waz a going on, and the Devil offered tew teach her, and yu hav heard what the result waz.
Mi advise tew yu iz tew stay right whare yu are, yu hav a power now that never kan be less if yu hold on to it, but if yu spit on yure hands tew git a better holt yu may lose yure grip entirely.
When yu begin tew vote yu hav got tew learn how tew wrangle, tew jaw back, tew intrigue, and bet yure stamps on the election, and if yu vote contrary tew yure husband thare will be a muss in the family, and if he votes kontrary tew yu there will be a bigger muss in the family.
Voting iz a mere negatiff power ennyhow. If a vote aint hove right it iz wuss than no vote, and what assurance hav yu tew offer that yu are going tew vote right? Yu hav more sensitiveness than the men have, and konsequently more prejudices, yu hav got full az mutch vanity and a heap more stubborness.
Thare iz more than haff the votes hove now without judgement or influenced bi others.
If yu git hold ov the ballot box what reformashuns dew yu propose?
I hav never saw yure platform.
Yu will vote against whiskee, i hope, and tobbacco, and whiskers, and club rooms, and trotting hosses, and pitching cents, and staying out late nights, and wearing pattent leather boots, two sizes too small, and lots ov this kind ov male iniquity, but what are yu going tu votefor?
Yu will hav tew vote agin trials bi jury, and dispoze ov them or else yu will hav tew sit on jurys, and will this be yure best style?—eight men and four wimmin locked up in a jury room all night together, on bred and water, with yure husbands peeking thru the key holes, tew see how the verdik is a going.
Yu will hav tew vote agin a poll tax, and git rid ov poll taxes, or, if yu are poor, yu will hav tew work yure tax out on the road, alongside ov sum rum drinking and tobbaco chawing wretch, who will take grate pains tew chaw, and sware, tew show hiz superiorite tew yu.
Yu will hav tew vote agin all riots, and reserexkshuns, and thus put an end tew them, or else when thare iz an irish riot, to kill oph the surpluss niggers, yu will hav tew cum out armed with sumthing, if nothing more than a pair ov tongs, and just az like az not looze yure best waterfall in the mussness, jist think how billyous this will be.
Yu will hav tew vote agin awl kind ov housework, for how kan yu run the United States government, if yu are kept patching pantaloons all the time?
Yu will hav tew vote agin enny more human beings making their appearance, for who iz a going tew nourish the babe, while yu are down tew the town hall, trieing tew elekt a favourite constabel, yure husband kant do it enny how, unless yu hav him rekonstrukted.
Suppoze yu git elekted tew congress from yure distrikt, every woman in the country, who haz got a husband thare, will be on hand tew watch how things are a going, and yu will be acused ov transgreshuns, that never entered yure hed, or hart.
Suppoze yu had a vote to day, dew yu know of enny woman on arth, that yu would vote for, i mean, unmarried woman, like yureself?
Miss Jemima, Josephine, Jenkins, the more i grind these things in mi mind, the more i think yu had better turn yure attenshun towards harvesting a good hustband, and making his house the envy ov the naberhood, bi the gentle, and486domestik virtews, which Heaven haz so lavishly loaned tew yu, rather than attending caucusses, holding wimmin convenshuns, or travelling athwart the country, in company with a set of longhaired, male hybrids, who haven’t got enny reputashun tew spare, and who will cheat yu out ov what yu hav got.
If you or enny other virtewous, gentle woman, wants an ernest defender, one who beleaves that yure sex holds the ballance ov power now, one who looks upon a mother (who ever she iz) az the queen ov the situation, one who looks upon a sister az an angel friend, one who looks upon a daughter az the gift of God, one who looks upon a wife with awl the pathos of venerashun, if yu want any help from sich a pheller, in battling with the trials that Heaven haz planted in the pathway ov a womans legitimate sphear, send for me, i am yure man.
But i hav no ambishun tew see yu a voter, and i think the hour which sees yure sex, in this country, voters, will see the eazy and rapid dissolushun ov the only barrier we have, between the coarse instinkts ov man, and the sakred safety ov the domestick vertews, ov which yu hav been ordained the vestal keepers.
Pardon me, Miss Jemima, if mi language in this letter iz strong, it cums from a strong place, mi heart, if i didn’t mean what i say i should hav bin az sweet az a courtier, i should hav torked about the gorgeous mission of woman, the exalted career that might be opened for her in walks yet untrod, and other rhapsodys in the key bugle style, but i kno the power that woman haz over me, and i kno whare it lays, it dont lay in the ballot box, it lays in that misterious delikasy ov hers, thoze silken threads, whoze power iz invisible.
In summing up, if i kno ennything about human natur all that “Wimmin’s rights” means, iz,more power, and enny woman who would exchange a single article, in the “magna-karta” which she now iz empress ov, for the whole ov the byelaws, constitushun, and power sought for, in the ranting programme ov a “wimmins right convenshun,” would be swapping an intrinsick bower, for an emaskulated privilege.
“Barney.”—I received the rat tarrier yu sent me by the Merchants’ Union Express, last evening, and gave him a quart ov milk for hiz tea.
He pocketed the milk, and wagged for sum more; it made him stick out like a false caff.
He slept sound last night, and hasn’t waked up yet, altho it iz now 10 o’clock this morning.
I have stopped writing tew tickle hiz nose with a pin, and he iz now rushing things around the room for sum rats.
He haz just tipped over a Chinese god, worth 8 dollars, and broke him, he will git rats when mi wife cums in.
He kant find enny rats, and is now chawing oph mi little boy’s toe—to hiz shoe.
He iz now crazy for rats agin, and will smash the other vase agin, I’ll bet.
Thare goes the other vase, bi thunder! all tew powder.
He iz now out ov wind, and iz running hiz tung out and in.
He wants tew go out doors for sumthing, and i hav let him went.
He haz just found a poor little boy in the street, whom he knows, and the boy seems tew know him, and they hav gone round the next block, on a run, together, tew see sumthing.
He don’t seem tew cum back!
It iz now to-morrow, and the tarrier don’t seem tew cum back.
My wife iz glad ov it.
I am out 2 vases, a quart of nu milk, and one tarrier.
My wife sez, if i ever buy another rat pup, she will put him tew immediate soak in the cistern at onst.
Mi wife iz one ov them kind ov wimmin that don’t make enny statements unless they are true, so yu needn’t send me enny more tarrier.
“Fred.”—Yu aint obliged tu ask a gals mother, if yu ma go home with her from a partee, git the gals endorsement, and sale in; it iz proper enuff tu ask her tu take yure arm, but yu haint got no rite tu put yure arm around her waste, unless yu488meet a Bear on the rode, and then yu are bound tu take yure arm away, just az soon az the Bear gits safely by.
“Snyder.”—Rats originally cum from Norway, and i wish they had originally staid thare. They are about as uncalled for as a pain in the small ov the back. They kan be domestikated dreadful eazy, that is, as far as gitting in cupboards, and eating cheese, and knawing pie, is concerned.
The best way tew domestikate them that ever I saw, is tew surround them gently, with a steel trap; yu kan reason with them then tew grate advantage.
Rats are migratorious, they migrately whare ever they hav a mind to.
Pisen is also good for rats; it softens their whole moral naturs.
Cats hate rats, and rats hate cats, and—who don’t.
I serpose thare is between 50 and 60 millions of rats in Amerika (i quote now entirely from memory,) and i don’t serpose thare is a single necessary rat in the whole lot. This shows at a glance how menny waste rats thare is. Rats enhance in numbers, faster than shoe pegs do by machinery. One pair ov helthy rats is awl that enny man wants tew start the rat bissiness with, and in ninety days, without enny outlay, he will begin tew hav rats,—tew turn oph.
Stujent.—We never furnish ortograffs in less quantity than489bi the package. It iz a bizness that grate men hav got into, but it dont strik us az being profitable nor amuzing. We furnished a near and very dear friend our ortograff a few years ago, for 90 days, and it got into the hands ov one of the banks, and it kost us $275 tew get it back. We went out of the bizzness then, and have not hankered for it sinse.
Manifess destiny iz a disseaze, but it iz eazy tew heal; i hav seen it in its wust stages cured bi sawing a cord ov dri hickory wood. I thought i had it onse, it broke out in the shape ov poetry; i sent a speciment ov the disseaze tew a magazine, the magazine man wrote me nex day as follers:
“Dear Sur: Yu may be a darn phule, but yu are no poeck. Yures, in haste.”
Matty—It iz very natral that you should ask me in what manner you should reseave the proposal from your lover. It iz sumthing ov a trick tew dew it nice. You don’t ought tew jump into the collar suddin, nor fly back suddin, like a bocky hoss, but yu ought tew take it kind, looking down hill, with an expreshun, about half tickled and half scart. After the pop iz over, if your luvver wants tew kiss you, I dont think I would say yes or no, but let the thing kind ov take its own course.
Mirakle:—Yu sa “yu kant understand the mirakle ov the whale, that swallered Joner.” I dont serpose that Joner, nor the whale, ever fully understood it themselfs. I kant tell yu what Joner did while in the whale’s sosiety; but i kno what a yankee would hav did, he would hav rigged a rudder on the animal, and run him into port, and either klaimed the ile for salvage, or sold out his chanse.
JOSH AT HUM
Richard.—Yu done wisely tew ask me questions inNatral history. I am perfektly at hum amung beasts, burds, and fishes. I kan tell whi the flea bights, whi the bull bellers, and whi the rinosseross hasn’t got but one tusk, and that on the top of his knoze. I hav writ the biography ov all theze kritters, from the genial muskeeter and pensiv cockroach klean up tew the elephant, with hiz trunk, and the lion, who hain’t got enny trunk at all. You ask me about the zebra. The zebra iz a striped hoss, the wildesst thing in natral history ov hiz size, and az hard tew civilize az the hyena, and az useless, when civilized, az the osstritch or the rattlesnaik. They don’t inhabit the United States at large; they may liv in Kanda, if they hav a mind to—I never hav been thare tew diskover. They are about the size ov a moderate mule, but they kant kik with the mule. Thare ain’t nothing that kiks for phun or kiks for a living that kan outkik a mule, except it iz an old-fashioned, Continental, revolushionary war, Fourth ov July musket. Put about 3 and a haff inches ov powder491into one ov theze old vetrans of 1776, ram it down heavy, and lay it on a stump, and tutch it oph with a slo match, and I had just az leafs stand in front ov it az tew stand in the rear ov it. Thare iz sum ov the oldest and crossest ov theze muskets that will kik, and even squeal, if yu go near them, whether they are loaded or not. The zebra iz ov no use whatever only tew look at, at 25 cents a chance, in sum circus tent, but after they are broke they are spilte for enny thing else. They are like all other wild animals—fleet only for a short distance; and civilizashun iz a grate damage tew them, just az it iz tew an injun. Deth iz the only kind ov civilizashun that an injun kan understand.
Caroline.—Yu ask me whi i dont write sweet, and sentimental, and luvly things.
I aint bilt right, Caroline, for that kind ov labor.
I am tew round-shouldered, tew write perfumed sentances.
When i git hold ov an idee, i hav tew let it go out, into the world, like a bird oph from mi hand, bareheaded, and barefooted, a sort ov vagrant.
If i should undertake tew dress it up in fine clothes, sum folks would say i stole the idee, and other folks would say i tried tew steal the clothes, tew dress it in, and got ketched at it.
I make no pretentions tew literature, i pay no homage tew elegant sentances, i had rather be the father ov one genuine, original truth, i don’t kare if it iz az humpbacked az a drumudary, than tew be the author ov a whole volume ov glittering cadences, gotten up, for wintergreen-eating schoolgirls tew nibble at.
Benjamin.—Horace Greeley iz not what may be termed a praktikal farmer, he iz what iz kalled a dikshionary farmer.
The papers tell us he looks for cabages on trees, digs for apples, hunts stun walls for hens eggs, haz tried tew improve the flavor ov mutton, by a kross ov the hidraulik ram on the south-down, splits the duks feet, so they kan stand a fair chance with a hen when they cum tew the skratch, combs hiz roosters heds, by cutting oph their topnots, lathers and shaves492hiz phatting hogs 3 times a week, makes his cows wear greengogles, so they will mistake shavings, and peabrush for clover, piks hiz geese once in 24 hours tew keep them cool, and throws away the feathers, digs a hoel in the ground and plants oats, a pek in a place, and runs a grind stun, and two pattent churns, by konnekting sum kind ov a pattent kontrivance to hiz cows tails in fli time.
Now if theze fakts are trew, Horace Greely iz not a praktikal farmer, he iz only a genius in husbandry a hundred years ahed ov the time.
I haven’t mutch doubt miself a hundred years from now science and theory, and book larning will have so changed agrikultur that every time a hen laze an egg, they won’t indulge in the silly kackel they do now, but will sing sum lively air, and the old rooster will dance tew the musik in front ov the nest.
Thare iz a good time comeing, so we are told, and we have waited so long for it, we might az well hang on now till it cums.
Prudence.—I received yure kind letter yesterday, and must admit that i kant answer yure question.
I don’t kno what a Dolly Varden iz.
I kno that all the ladys, when they walk out, hav an immense sight of clothes, all in one spot, about the center ov their backs, but whether this iz a Dolly Varden, or knot, I dont kno, and darsent ask.
I hav looked in Webster unabridged, and kant find it thare. I hav waded in the ensiklopedio, and lo! it aint thare. I have asked all mi bacheler friends, and they blush, and begin tew talk about the poets, Longfellow and Harry Bassett. I have spoke tew married men about it, (I am married too) and they say “hush” and pass on in a grate hurry, and I begin tew guess, the whole thing iz a kussid sell, got up expressly to Bear the market.
Prudence, I giv it up square, I dont kno what a Dolly Varden iz, and I aint a going tew try to find out enny more nuther, for I am satisfied, from what I hav found out about it allready, that it iz none ov mi bizzness.
Picayune.—The sucker iz not a game phish, the very name indicates that.
They won’t bight at a hook, and are a lazy set ov vagrants, emigrating in the spring ov the year, out ov muddy mill ponds, up sluggish streams, into the country.
They kant liv in swift water, they are too lazy tew ketch their breth in it.
They are az tasteless az a merino potatoe, and az for general intelligence, are jist about on a par, with a korn kob.
They are kaught with a spear, and thare iz just about az mutch sport in it, az stabbing seed cowcumbers in a garden, by moonlite, with a three-tined fork.
Howard.—Your letter iz come tew hand and its kontents karefully weighed, and I find that they don’t weigh heavy.
In reply, we beg leaf tew state that the North Pole haz not bin found out yet.
Du notiss ov its length, and its size at the butt, and the kind ov fowls that hav bin roostin on it, and the kind ov wood on which it iz bilt, and the amount ov kindling wood it would undoubtedly make, well split up, and its universal history will appear in the Spice Box collum, just az soon az the Pole iz got.
In the mean time keep cool, kultivate your mustash, be polite tew your ritch aunt, if you hav got one, studdy Hall’s guide tew health, and shun all grass-widders.
Caroline.—Yu ask us, “Which iz worth the most tew a woman, buty, or modesty.”
For a quick return, perhaps buty iz, but for an investment, for the sake ov the interest, we rekomend modesty.
Modesty never grows stale, but buty iz like bukwheat kakes, aint good kold, nor warmed up nex day.
We konsider buty one ov the bestkollatteralsthat a woman kan possess, but if she haint got nothing else but buty, she aint no better off than she would be with a life insurance policy, which was forfeited for the non-payment of premiums.
Buty alone wontwearwell, and thare iz a grate deal of it now daze that wontwashat all and keep its color.
“Thomas.”—“Jordan is a hard road to travel,” i kant tell you who was the inventor ov this saying, sum foot sore cus probably, who waz too lazy to keep a hoss and waggon, or else a hotel darkey carryin’ trunks all day.
A HARD ROAD TO TRABBLE.
A HARD ROAD TO TRABBLE.
“Ferdinand.”—“Man wants but little here belo, nor wants that little long,” iz a libel, manwantsevrything he kan see, or hear ov, and never is willing to let go ov hiz grab. Whenever yu find a man who iz thoroughly satisfied with what he has got, yu will find either an ideot, or one who haz tried to git more and couldn’t do it.
The older a man grows, the more wantful he bekums, and az hiz hold on life slakens, hiz pinch on a dollar grows grippy.
“Herod.”—He that puts a small value on hiz services, issues proposals tew the lowest bidder. When yu make a request ov divine Providence, it iz best to be modest, if yu expekt to git what you ask for, but there is so little modesty in the world, between men, that when we cum acrost it, we mistake it for ignorance or imbecility. Yu will often see little boys ketching flies, and killing them just for fun, but you don’t see them ketch hornets just for fun. The sting in the hornet’s tail iz what makes him respektable.
“Miller.”—Yu hav got it right the fust time, ingratitude is one ov them crimes that evry boddy sticks up their noze495at, it is the worst insult we kan giv, or receive, it lets a man drop down belo the level ov the dum brutes, for the yellowest, and meanest dog in the United States wags hiz tail, if yu throw him but a burnt crust. What an awful thought it iz, that ingratitude iz the common sin against God.
“Matilda.”—Kissing is one ov the rudiments, babys are learnt it instead ov the alphabet, but they dont understand the strong points in it, yet they seem tew luv it without knowing why, this iz a bricky argument that kissing iz one ov naturs most natural noshuns. I kant tell yu whether thare is enny pertikular etiket to be observed in administrating a kiss or not. Between lovers it iz sumtimes usual to kiss and hang on, but it strikes me that the best way iz tew cum up frunt face, in single file, then fire and fall back one pace, this gives the patients a chance tew get the flavour. The grate buty ov a kiss lies in its impulsiveness, and in its impressibility, two pretty big words, but worth the munny.
I haven’t dun enny thing in the kissing line, (ov an amateur natur,) ov late years, and there may be sum new dodge, that i aint posted in, but the old-fashioned, 25 year ago kind, i remember fresh, that kind didn’t hav enny mathematicks in it, but waz more like spontaneous combustion.
Kissing, az a general thing, iz not very interesting tew bystanders, and iz sumtimes even looked upon, by a third party, az uncalled-for.
“Warwick.”—“He that giveth tew the poor, lendeth tew the Lord,” if yu had read yure Bible az mutch az i hav, yu wouldn’t hav asked me if Shakespeare wrote this remark.
Charity iz az mutch ov a privilege, az it iz a duty, and lending to the Lord, iz undoubted security, for enny man’s munny.
He that gives nothing away while living, dies a bankrupt, and hiz estate iz generally settled by hiz heirs, a good deal az the crows settle a ded hoss, by pitching into the remains.
Thare iz menny folks whoze hearts bile with charity, but whoze extremitys are cold, a half a dollar kontrakts tew a 3 cent piece, by the time it reaches the end ov their fingers.
“Gildad.”—Yure juicy letter haz questions enuff tew make496a distrikt-school-master faint, and if i should answer them all, yu would be fuller ov edukashun than an aulmanak.
Who the author ov the saying, “the good die yung,” waz, i don’t care, but i will remark, if that iz a good bet, the yunger a man kan die the better; and not tew be born at all, iz a ded sure thing.
Again, az it regards the number ov years that a kat kan live, that depends entirely upon circumstances, they kant liv over Sunday with me.
“Abel.”—Yu kant pick out a hipokrite by his looks, enny more than yu kan a fat oyster by the shell, they are frequently like an old musket, laid away up garret, hav often bin known, tew let oph a charge, that had been sleeping, with one eye open, for 3 years. They are like silver-plated forks, wear well for a long time, but are sure to show the odious brass at last.
“Hannibal.”—Giving presents, with the hope of receiving presents in return, takes away awl the cream ov giving, or receiving, it is like swopping skim-milk, for milk that has bin skimd.
“Mercury.”—“Owe for a lodge in sum vast wilderness,” waz the private opinion of Mr. Cowper, one ov the very few men, who hav lived yet, who waz pure enuff, tew monopolize a woods, without enny company but his soul, and the God who made it. Most people holler for solitude without thinking that it iz a thickly settled place, full ov memorys. Solitude is the last place for a good man to go to, and the only place that a wicked man kant liv in. Even wild beasts dont like solitude, and luv tew see the smoke ov a chimbly. Solitude, in small doses, iz all well enuff, but 25 miles square ov it, would make most men, either a counterfiter, or a hoss thief.
Dear Doktor Hirsute:—I reseaved a tin cup ov yure “Hair purswader,” also a bottle ov yure“Salvashun Bitters,” bi express, for which, I express my thanks.
The greenbak, which yu enklozed waz the kind ov purswader that we ov the press fully understand.
Yur hair grease, shall hav a reglar gimnastik puff, jist az soon az i kan find a spare time.
I tried a little ov it on an old counter brush in my offiss, this morning, and in 15 minnitts, the brussells grew long az a hosses tale, and i notis this afternoon, the hair begins tew cum up thru, on bak ov the brush, ’tis really wonderful! ’tis almoste Eureka! I rubbed a drop or two on the head ov mi cane, which haz bin bald for more than 5 years, and beggar me! if I don’t hav to shave the cane handle, evry day, before I can walk out with it.
I hav a verry favrite cat, she iz one ov the Hambletonian breed ov cats, and altho she iz yung, and haint bin trained yet, she shows grate signs ov speed.
I thought I would just rub the corck ov the bottle on the floor, in the corner ov the room whare the cat generally repozes.
The consequents waz, sum ov the “purswader” got onto the hair ov the cat’s tale.
When the cat aroze from her slumbers she caught sight ov her tale, which had growed tew an exalted size; taking one498more look at the tale, she started, and bi the good olde Moses! sich running; across the yard! over the fence! up wun side ov an apple tree! and down the other! out into the fields, away! away! The laste i saw ov the cat, she waz pretty mutch awl tale.