NEST EGGS.It iz a wize man that watches himself, and a phoolish one that watches hiz nabors.Vanity iz often mistaken for wit, but it iz no more like it than gravity iz like wisdum.Thare iz this difference between a cunning man and a wize one—the cunning one looks thru a mikriskope, the wize one thru a teleskope. Vanity iz the chief ingredient in every human harte.Yer will find it az kommon amung slaves and paupers az amung kings and princes.Bizzy boddys are like pissmires, alwus in a grate hurry about nothing.One grate reazon whi every boddy likes the falls ov Niagara so mutch iz, bekauze no one kan make one like it.Thare iz sum hope ov a man who iz wicked, but not weak.Debt iz like enny other kind ov a trap, eazy enuff tew git into, but hard enuff tew git out ov.Thare iz no kind ov flattery so powerful, so subtle, and at the same time so agreeable az deference.279Bare necessitys will support life no doubt, so will the works support a watch, but they both want greasing once in a while, jist a leetle.Philosophy iz a very good kind ov a teacher, and yu may be able tew livbyit, but yu kant livonit—hash will tell.Lazyness weighs eighteen ounces to the pound.Thehistoryov life iz tew hope and be disapointed, theviktoryiz to “never say die.”The way tewFameiz like klimbing a greast pole; thare aint but phew kan do it, and even then it don’t pay.It iz dredful eazy tew mistake what wethinkfor what weknow; this iz the way that most ov the lies git born that are traveling around loose.Ambishun iz like a tred wheel; it knows no limits; yu no sooner git tew the end ov it than you begin agin.We are never in more danger ov being laft at than when we are laffing at others.Free living leads tew free thinking, free thinking leads tew free loveing, and free loveing leads to the devil.It iz az hard work tew make a weak man upright az it iz an empty bag.Good breeding seems tew be the art ov being superior tew most people, and equal tew all, without letting them kno it.Children are like vines; they will klimb the pole yu set up for them, be it krooked or strate.Happiness iz not only the choicest posseshun, but tha cheapest; it kosts nothing, if you only think so.Idleness, like industry, iz ketching.The devil iz the father ov lies, but he failed tew git out a pattent for hiz invenshun, and hiz bizzness iz now suffering from competishun.Maxims tew be good should be az sharp az vinegar, az short az pi krust, and az trew az a pair ov steelyards.A nickname will outlast all a man’s deeds, be they good, bad, or indifferent.Phun iz the best phisick i kno ov; it iz both cheap and durable.280Conshience iz our private sekretary.The three gratest luxurys ov life are, a klear conshience, a good appetight, and sound slumber.Pashion iz like fire, a good servant, but a bad master.The gay are alwus looking ahead, and the sad are always looking back; it iz a grate pitty they don’t change works with each other.A pedant iz a very learned individual, who mistakes a pop-gun for a pistill.Perseveranse will conker enny thing but muskeeters; the only way tew conker them iz tew bak out.A bigot iz a kind ov human ram, with a good deal ov wool over hiz eyes, but no horns.It dont require but a phew branes tew make up an atheist, for the less a man knows the less he generally beleaves.The man who tries tew please everyboddy iz az fickle bi natur az a puppy.Plezzure iz like mollassiss, tew mutch ov it spiles the taste for everything.The most miserable people i kno ov are thoze who make plezzure a bizzness; it iz like sliding down a hill 25 miles long.Thare iz no seed so sure tew produce a big yield az wild oats, and the krop iz repentance.Politeness iz like ginger-pop, there ain’t mutch nourishment in it, but it haz a pleazant pop and a refreshing flavor.Profane swaring in a man iz like continual crowing in a barn-yard rooster, a plan tew keep their courage or importanse.CHICKEN FEED.Thareiz one kritter in this world whoze trubbles yu kant console, and she iz—a setting hen.Thoze persons who spend all ov their spare time watching their simptoms, are the kind who enjoy poor health.Whenever a minister haz preached a sermon that pleazes281the whole congregashun, he probably haz preached one that the Lord wont endorse.Evry boddy seems tew be willing to be a phool himself, but he kant bear tew hav ennyboddy else one.Truth iz the edict ov God.The philosophers, az a class, are a sett ov old grannys, who possess grate knowledge, part ov which haz bin handed down tew them, and the ballance they guess at.About the fust and the last thing a human being duz in this world, iz tew shed tears.Thare iz no grater proff ov the power of love than that the crimes committed in its interests are in a measure hallowed.I kan tell exackly how mi nabors yung ones ought tew be fetched up, but i aint so clear about mi own.A loafer iz a person who iz willing tew be abuzed for the privilege ov abusing others.Thare iz sum folks in this world who spend their whole time hunting after rhighteousness and haint got enny spare time tew praktiss it.Adversity haz the same effekt on a man that severe training duz on the pugilist—it reduces him tew his fighting waight.Natur kan be improved upon often with good effekt, but to alter it generally spiles the whole thing.Affliktions are like the summers sun—they wilt for the purpuss ov ripening.If yu want to find out a man’s real disposishun, take him when he iz wet and hungry. If he iz aimable then, dry him and fill him up, and you hav got an angel.The man who haz never bin tempted, dont kno how dishonest he iz.Thare iz nothing like a sick bed for repentance. A man bekums so virtewous that he will often repent ov sins that he never haz committed.Three skore year and ten iz the time allotted to man, and it iz enuff. If a man kant suffer all the misery he wants in that time, he must be knumb.282It dont take mutch tew prove a truth. It iz only a lie that requires grate argumentatiff ability.Listen tew every mans opinyuns, disagree with none, but confide in yure own. This iz a kind ov flattery that wrongs no one.What a man gains in cunning he alwus lozes in wisdum.He who wont beleave ennything he kant understand, aint so wize az a mule—for they will kick at a thing they dont expekt tew reach.All ov us are anxious tew liv tew be very old, but not one in ten thousand kan fill the karakter ov an old man.Money iz like grain—it iz never so well invested az when it iz well sown.A bigot iz a religious coward trying tew play the autokrat.Money never made a man disgraceful yet, but men have often made money disgracefull.How menny people thare iz who only go into society just for the purpose ov telling over their akes and pains, their gripes and grunts! Such people ought tew be sent at once to the pest house.Health can be bought, but yu hav got tew pay for it with temperance, at the highest rates.Give me warm friends and bitter enemys about haff and haff. He who haint got an enemy on arth, kant show a friend that will stick to him thru thik and thin.Every time a man laffs harty, he takes a kink out ov the chain that binds him to life, and thus lengthens it.Beauty iz the melody ov the features.I hav alwus bore it in mind that, jist about in rasho that a person or individual iz proud and hauty, they are ignorant.Beleaving and disbeleaving iz oftner an effort ov the will than ov the understanding.It iz a lucky thing that epitaffs dont appear on a man’s tumestun untill he haz gone dead. If they were published while he waz living, what an insult most ov them would be tew hiz reputashun.I think Adam waz the weakest man i ever read ov. He283committed the most sin, with the least amount ov temtashun, ov enny person history iz familiar with.One ov the surest sighns ov an intelligent civilizashun iz tew see amung the masses a bekuming respekt and reverence for the aged.Before yu undertaik tew change a man’s politiks or religion, be sure yu hav got a better one to offer him.Altho the world iz chuck full ov liars, thare iz but few men who dont prefer tew listen tew the truth.No man ever got hiz bread by preaching wisdum. Philosophy iz a good thing tew preach, but a cussed poor thing tew liv on.Tew be forgiven, weakens us; but tew forgiv others, weakens them.I hav lived in this world jist long enuff tew look karefully the seckond time into things that i am the most certain ov the fust time.Great men are seldum intimate. They are too jealous to love or esteem each other.HARD TACK.Idontlike tew speak disrespekfullness agin ennyboddys near relashuns, but i hav made up mi mind that Eve waz a phool, and that Adam waz a bigger one.Too mutch religion iz wuss than none at all. Yu kant sho me a kuntry that haz existed yet, whare the people, all ov them, professed one religion and persekuted all other kinds, but what the religion ruined the country. (I paws for a repli.)It iz a good thing for thoze who hav bin sinful tew turn over a nu leaf, but it often happens that, in doing this, they turn over two leaves at onst, and bekum so suddenly virtewous that they freeze up stiff.It iz better tew kno nothing than tew kno jist enuff tew doubt and tew differ.284Charity is like a mule, a good servant but a bad master. When charity gits entire control ov a man’s affairs, it runs the affairs and the man both into the ground.Selfishness iz the alter which every man sets up in hiz soul and asks hiz conscience to be high priest ov the cerimonys.Cunning, at best, only duz the dirty work ov wisdum, and tharefore i dispize it.Hartes and dimonds are the two strong suits for a woman to hold—klubs and spades for man.HARD TACK.I kant see what woman wants enny more rights for; she beat the fust man born into the world out ov a ded sure thing, and she kan beat the last one with the same kards.The man who kan stand abuse kan generally stand prosperity. The only way tew beat the devil iz tew fite him with the Bible in one hand and a sword in the other.If i could only praktiss az well az i kan preach, i would not thank a man tew warrent me in this world nor in the world tew cum.The kream ov a joke dont never lay on the top, but alwus at the bottom.Whenever i see a man anxious tew git into a fite that dont belong tew him, i am alwus anxious tew hav him, for i kno he iz certain tew be the wust whipped man in the party.About all thare iz in mans natur that iz natral iz hiz sins, and about all thare iz in his natur that iz kultivated iz hiz way ov hiding thoze sins.285Pashunce iz oftner the result ov numbness than it iz ov principle.I dont kno how it iz with other pholks, but with me, the fall ov the Roman empire iz a grate deal eazier tew bear than a fall on the ice.I dont think thare ever waz a human being yet, who haz met deth without expekting in the last extremity tew be saved from it; even our Saviour uttered that wonderful exklamashun, “My God! my God! why hast thou forsaken me?”I am glad ov one thing, that i am keenly alive tew mental and phisikal suffering—i had az soon be a hydraulik ram az tew be able to sit down and hav a big dubble tooth jerked out without winking.Thare are but phew men weak enuff tew admit their jealousys—even a disgraced rooster, in a barn-yard, will git a little further off and begin tew crow up a new reputashun.Thare haz been more men in this world burnt at the stake for serving the Lord than for serving the devil, and thare alwus will be.I alwus did admire the malice ov the mule—if a freak ov fortune had made me as unfortunate among men az the mule iz amung animals, i would begin tew kick at things a mile and a haff off.Men no doubt owe mutch ov their suckcess in this world tew chance, but chances dont go for a man, the man must go for the chances.Econeme iz simply the art ov gitting the wuth ov our money.Tew work iz the grate law ov natur—if the woodchuck dont dig a hole he wont hav one, it iz trew he may steal one, but then sum other woodchuck will have tew dig two.Human happiness iz a dredful hard thing tew define. I hav seen a man, perfektly happy without enny shirt tew hiz back, bekum suddenly furious bekauze sumboddy had given him one, the collar ov which wan’t starched stiff enuff.Thare iz a grate deal ov bad luk lieing around loose in this world, but it iz publick property, it dont belong tew ennyboddy in pertikular.286Things haz got so now, if a man stops, he iz a-going tew be run over, for thare aint no man ov consequentz enuff tew stop the whole proceshun.If I waz a-going tew civilize a parcel of heathen on sum distant ile by the job, i should debate sum time in mi mind which tew send, dancing-masters or missionarys.We speak ov “falling in love,” without always thinking that it iz the only way tew git in love—we all stumble into it, and kan seldum tellhoworwhy.One ov the very best things a man kan say when he haz reazonable doubts what he ought tew say, iz tew saynothing.It iz a disgrace tew enny man tew be feared.Sychophants are alwus the fust ones tew be sakrificed when disasters cum.In a world like this, whare thare iz at least five false things to one that iz true, guessing iz poor bizzness.The best kind ov advice tew foller iz that which agrees with our own opinyun.SOLLUM THOUGHTS.Thefearov God iz the philosphy ov religion; theloveov God iz the charity of religion.Hope iz a hen that lays more eggs than she kan hatch out.Better leave yure child virtew than money; but this iz a sekret known only tew a few.I honestly beleave it iz better tew know nothing than two know what ain’t so.About the hardest work a phellow kan do iz tew spark two galls at once, and preserve a good average.Prudery iz one ov virtews bastards.A nickname will outline enny man or thing; it iz like the crook in a dogg’s taile, you may cut it oph, and throw it behind the barn, but the crook is thare yet, and the stump iz the epitaph.287If yu analize what most men kall plezzure, yu will find it compozed ov one part humbugg, and two parts pain.When yu haint got nothing tew do, do it at once; this iz the way to learn to be bizzy.We hav bin told that the best way to overkum misfortunes iz tew fight with them—I hav tried both ways, and recommend a successful dodge.The art ov becomeing ov importance in the eyes ov others, iz not tew overrate ourself, but tew cauze them tew do it.The true way to understand the judgments ov heaven is to submit to them.Method iz everything, espeshily tew ordinary men; the few men who kan lift a ton, at plessure, hav a divine right tew take holt ov it tew a disadvantage.The mind ov man iz like a piece ov land that, tew be useful, must be manured with learning, ploughed with energy, sown with virtew, and harvested with ekonemy.Whare religion iz a trade, moralityiza merchandize.Conversashun should be enlivened with wit, not compozed ov it.The less a man knows, the more he will guess at; and guessing iz nothing more than suspicion.Going tew law, iz like skinning a new milch cow for the hide, and giving the meat tew the lawyers.Death, tew most ov us, iz a kind ov “farewell benefit,”—“positively our last appearance.”Phools are quite often like hornets, verry bizzy, but about what, the Lord only knows.Living on Hope, iz like living on wind, a good way tew git phull, but a poor way tew git phatt.Jealousy don’t pay, the best it kan do, iz tew diskover what we don’t want tew find, nor don’t expekt to.Sekrets are a mortgage on friendships.I don’t think a bad man iz az dandgerous az a weak one—I don’t think that a bile that haz cum tew a hed, iz az risky as a hidden one, that may cum tew a dozzen heds.A vivid imaganashun iz like sum glasses, makes things at a288distance look twice az big as they am, and cluss to, twice as small az they am.Hope iz a draft on futurity, sumtimes honored, but generally extended.If the world dispizes a hypokrit, what must they think ov him in Heaven.Flattery iz like Colone water, tew be smelt ov, not swallowed.After all, there don’t seem tew be but this diffrence between the wize men and the phools; the wize men are all fuss and sum feathers, while the phools are all fuss and no feathers.Without friends and without enemys iz the last reliable ackount we hav ov a stray dog.Men generally, when they whip a mule, sware; the mule remembers the swareing, but forgits the licking.Sum folks wonder whare awl the lies cum from, but i don’t, one good liar will pizen a whole country.Hunting after fame iz like hunting after fleas, hard tew ketch, and sure tew make yu uneazy if yu dew or don’t ketch them.Menny people spend their time trieing tew find the hole whare sin got into this world—if two men brake through the ice into a mill pond, they had better hunt for sum good hole tew git out, rather than git into a long argument about the hole they cum tew fall in.Imaginashun, tew mutch indulged in, soon iz tortured into reality; this iz one way that good hoss thiefs are made, a man leans over a fence all day, and imagines the hoss in the lot belongs tew him, and sure enuff, the fust dark night, the hoss does.If you must chaw terbacker, young man, for Heaven’s sake, chaw old plugg, it iz the nastyest.INK LINGS.Truthiz like the burdocks a cow gits into the end ov her tail, the more she shakes them oph, the less she gits rid ov them.289Thare is 2 kinds ov men in this world, that i don’t kare about meeting when i am in a grate hurry. Men whom i owe, and men who want to owe me.INK LINGS.Thare iz always one chance agin the best laid plans ov man, and the Lord holds that chance.Mi private opinyun about “abscence ov mind” is, that 9 times out ov 10, it iz abscence ov branes.The flattery that men offer tew themselfs iz the most dangerous, bekause the least suspekted.Take a kitten that kan hardly walk on land, and chuck him into a mill pond, and he will swim ashore—enny boddy kan apply the moral in this. The best philosophers and moralists i hav ever met, hav been thoze who had plenty to eat, and drink, and had money at interest.It takes a wize man to suffer prosperity, but most enny phool kan suffer adversity.Pride, after all, iz one ov our best friends—it makes us beleave we are better and happier than our nabors.Before yu give enny man advise, find out what kind ov advice will suit him the best.Knowledge is like money, the more a man gits the more he hankers for.The vices and phollys ov grate men are never admired nor imitated bi grate men.290The trew art ov kriticism is tew excuse faults rather than ridikule them.We hav no more right to laff at a deformed person, than we hav at a crooked tree—both ov them are God’s arkitekture.How strange it iz that most men had rather be flattered for possessing what they hav not, than to be justly praised for having what they possess.Suavity ov manners towards men iz like suavity ov molassis toward flies, it not only calls them to you, but sticks them fast after they git thare.Thare iz a grate deal ov charity in this world so koldly rendered that it fairly hurts, it iz like lifting a drowning man out ov the water bi the hair ov the hed, and then letting him drop on the ground.Exchanging kompliments iz another name for exchanging lies.The greatest thief this world haz ever produced izProcrastination, and he is still at large.Religion iz nothing more than a chattel mortgage, excepted, and rekorded, az sekurity for a man’s morality, and virtew.White lies are sed tew be innocent, but i am satisfied that enny man who will lie for phun, after a while will lie for wages.The most valuable thing in this world iz Time, and yet people waste it as they do water, most of them letting it run full head, and even the most prudent let it drizzle.The devil himself, with all hiz genius, allways travels under an alias—this shows the power of truth and morality.If a dog falls in love with you at first sight, it will do to trust him—not so with a man.One ov the hardest things to do is to be a good listener, thoze who are stone deaf succeed the best.If you don’t kno how to lie, cheat and steal, turn yure attenshun to pollyticks, and learn how.Thare are men who seem to be born on purpose to step into291every thing, they kant set a common rat trap without gitting ketched in it.A sekret iz like an aking tooth, it keeps us uneasy until it iz out.I hav larn’t one thing, bi grate experience, and that iz, I want as much watching az mi nabors do.The only way to larn sum men how to do enny thing, iz to do it yourself.I don’t rekoleckt now ov ever hearing ov two dogs fiteing, unless thare waz a man or two around.A wize man is never so mutch alone, as when he iz in a crowd, and never so mutch in a crowd as when he iz alone.I am satisfied that thare iz more weakness among men than malice.Thare iz no man in the world so easy to cheat az ourselfs.I don’t kno ov ennything that will kill a man so quick az praize that he don’t deserve.Repentanse should be the effekt ov love—not fear.The soul haz more disseases than the boddy haz.Things that we kant do wouldn’t be ov enny use to us, if we could do them.Amongst animals the most ignorant are the most stubborn, and i wonder if this ain’t so amungst men.A phool seems tew be a person who haz more will than judgment, and more vanity than either.The fust intimashun i had that i waz gitting old waz, i found myself telling to mi friends the same storys over again.In repenting ov sins, men are apt tew repent ov thoze they haint got, and overlook thoze they hav.A dandy never yet fell in love—only with himself.Revenge sumtimes sleeps, but vanity always keeps one eye open.Thoze folks who expekt to fail in an enterprise, most generally do.A man with only one accomplishment kant expekt to interest us long.We all git tired pretty soon looking at a goose standing on one leg.292EMBERS ON THE HARTH.Themoon looks down at night upon the vices of the world and yet remains az chaste az ever.Caution and curiosity are the privy counsillers ov truth.I had rather not have a thing than tew be obliged tew wait for it.We are always a-looking ahed, and that iz the way tew look; if the man at the wheel looks back he will soon beach hiz vessell.The time tew be karefullest iz when we hav a hand full ov trumps.I am a poor man, but i hav this consolashun, i am poor by acksident, not desighn.What an unreal life most folks lead; they don’t ever hav a genuine taste ov sorrow during their existence.How menny people thare iz whoze importance depends entirely upon the size ov their hotel bills.Mother!—The holy thoughts and chastened memorys that cluster around this name can never be so well expressed az in the calm utterance ov the name itself.It iz a good thing tew be hedstrong, but it iz a better thing tew understand that a stun-wall iz a hard thing tew buk agin.Mankind ain’t apt tew respekt verry mutch what they are familiar with, it iz what we don’t know, or kant see, that we hanker for.When i see people ov shaller understandings extravagantly clothed, i always feel sorry—for the clothes.I am just az certain that thare iz sitch a thing az “Spiritual manafestashuns” az i am that there iz plenty ov superstishun and trickery.Prosperity makes us suspicious ov each other, while adversity makes us trust in each other—the only way that i kan akount for this iz that in prosperity we hav sumthing tew lose, while in adversity we hav everything tew gain.I konsider it a grate kompliment tew religion that there are only two substitutes for it; one iz hipokrasy, and the other iz superstishun.293It iz a safe mistake tew make to call a man “Kurnel,” who may in fakt be only a 4th Korporal.We are never nearer right than we am when we fear we are rong.Modesty weighs a pound, impudence only 6 ounces, this ackounts for the diffidence ov the one, and the vivacity ov the other.Envy iz not so bad a pashun when it prompts us tew bild our chimney higher than our nabors, but when it prompts us tew hurt hiz draft it iz an awful mean one.I thank the Lord for one thing, that he haz made the wordnothe hardest one in any language tew say.Old dorgs nuss their grudges, but yung pupps fight and then frolik.A man may git a big fut, or a pug noze, bi birthright, but nine-tenths ov hiz virtews are the effekt ov associashun or edukashun.Confess yure sorrows, yure fears, yure hopes, yure love, and even yure deviltrys tew men, but don’t let them git a smell ov yure poverty—poverty haz no friends, not even among paupers.Larning iz the only good substitute for experience.I suppoze the reazon whi we all ov us admire the Atlantik Ocean so mutch iz bekauze it don’t belong tew enny boddy in partiklar; for what we kant own, iz about all that we aint jealous ov.Pedantry iz ignorant knowledge.Thare iz this difference between modesty and bashfulness, one iz paint under the skin, and the other iz paint on the outside ov it, liable tew wash oph.Abstinenceshould be the exception, andtemperancethe rule.If a man should happen tew reach perfeckshun in this world, he would hav tew die immediately tew enjoy himself.One ov the best evidences ov our immortality, iz our desires tew be so.A man who haint got enny imaginashun at all, iz just right for a hitching post.294Old age iz covetous, bekauze it haz larnt bi experience, that the best friend a man haz in this world, iz hiz pocket-book.Love iz the fust pashun ov the heart, ambishun the seckond and avarice the third, and last.Patience will tire out ennything but musketoes.Deference iz silent flattery.The chains ov slavery are none the less gauling for being made ov gold.The love that a man gains by flattery, is worth just about az mutch az the flattery is.“Happy as a king,” iz a libel on happiness, and on the king to.If you will be familiar, you must expekt tew loose the confidence ov phools, and the esteem ov the wize.Learning iz a good deal like strength, it requires good hoss sense tew know how tew apply it.Grate men are knot bi enny means the best ov companyuns, they seldum kan ever enjoy themselfs.Confess yure sins tew the Lord, and yu will be forgiven, confess them tew men, and yu will be laffed at.Impudence is nothing more than open hipokrasy.About the most we kan hope in our old age iz tew endure the thoughts ov what we enjoyed when we waz young.There iz only one good substitute for the endearments ov a sister, and that iz the endearments ov sum other pheller’s sister.HOT KORN.Thareiz a grate deal ov rezolushun inGin, but kussid little judgment.A nikname will not only outliv a man, but outlast even hiz tombstun.What iz the chief end ov man? To foot hiz wife’s bills and foot the man who insults her.A genial old man iz pleasant tew look upon, but a frisky old man is too mutch like an Irish wake to be captivating.295A man who kant fiddle but one tune, i don’t kare how well he kan do it, ain’t a permanent suckcess.HOT KORN.After all i don’t kno az thare iz ennything in this world that pays mutch better than being a natral born phool.A literary reputashun iz hard tew git and eazy tew loose, and when once lost iz lost forever.Thare iz grate art in growing old gracefully.If a man haz got a good reputashun he better git it insured, for they are dredful risky.Misplaced charity iz a good blunder tew make. If yu want tew git a good general idee ov a man’s karakter find out from him what hiz opinion ov his nabor iz.It iz a grate deal better for a man tew be defamed than tew be praized for what he don’t possess.Genuine happiness is like a genuine ghost, everyboddy talks about them and seems tew beleaf in them, but i guess noboddy hain’t seen one yet.Solomon remarked “that thare want ennything nu under the sun,” and it duz really seem that if a man sez ennything nu he haz got tew lie a leetle tew do it.I serpose that whi advise is such a drug in the market iz bekauze the supply alwus exceeds the demand.Dandys and blujays are alike, both worthless without their feathers.296Gold seems tew be the standard of all values in this world Even virtew in a poor man, iz quoted 75 per cent belo par.Watching one’s helth all the time iz like watching the weather—a grate deal of time iz lost, and thare iz just az menny showers after all.We hear a good deal sed about the freaks ov natur, but i hav alwus noticed that when natur makes a two-legged swine, she takes a mighty sight ov pains about it.Gravity iz the homage that a phool pays to wisdum, without knowing it.A flatterer iz a common enemy.If mankind were obliged tew giv their gifts sekretly, they would look upon it az a grate hardship.He that won’t listen, kan’t learn; phools and bobalinks are poor listeners, and hav but one song.Thare iz nothing we talk so fluently about az happiness, and nothing we kno so little about.Revenge iz the prerogative ov the brutes.Manneriz a grate deal more attraktive thanmatter—espeshily in a monkey.Whenever yu find a man who iz strikly honest, yu will find one who iz truly courageous.When eloquence and wisdum kontend for the superiority in a man, he haz got about az far abuv the rest ov us az he kan git.The luv ov change iz az natral in man az it iz in natur.Thare iz two kinds ov hipokrits, the bold, and the humble, and the humble ones are the wust.The grate strength ov simplicity lays in the words,not in the ideas.I don’t beleave thare iz ennything in this world that will add to a man’s wealth, convenience or luxury, but what he kan git, if he will only hunt enuff for it.All wimmin are bi natur flirts, but those who are the most so, have the least sense.To be thoroughly good-natured, and yet avoid being imposed upon, shows great strength ov character.297Enny person who will deliberately flatter yu, will deliberately defame yu.It iz a mighty hard job tew respekt the man that we hav tew forgiv.I beleave thare iz more people in this world, honest from policy, than thare iz from principle.Very old people often are free from all appearances ov sin, bekauze they hav nothing left for either tew feed upon.Thare are people who are alwus anticipating trubble, and in this way they manage tewenjoymenny sorrows that never really happen tew them.Fear ov sin haz made a grate menny more Christians than the luv ov virtew haz.I kno ov sevral kinds ov kuriosity, but thare iz one kind which prompts us tew stick our noze into things just for the purpose ov smelling.The luv ov praize never made enny man wuss, and haz made menny a man better.Thoze people who are sik and disgusted with themselfs are the ones who suffer from ennui.In bible times, when Balem’s ass spoke, it waz a mirakle; but the daze ov mirakels are over, and the greatest asses we hav in theze times are the gratest talkers.Thare iz quite a difference between aluminous and avoluminous writer, altho menny authors konfound the two.Thoze who hav never sukceeded themselfs are alwus the most reddy tew tell others how tew do it.I am satisfied that the 2 gratest bores in the world are the Hoosick tunnel and the author who iz hunting up a publisher for his fust book.If yu wish tew retain the friendship, or even luv, ov others, yu must keep them in yure hands, and not git into theirs.It iz kind ov phunny that while modesty iz the gratest evidence ov merit, it seems tew be the poorest gurantee ov suckcess.Admire beauty, but don’t worship it.Cunning men are sure tew git kaught at last, and when298they are kaught they are like a fox in a trap, about the sylliest looking fox yu ever see.Yu mite az well undertake tew drown a knot-hole out, bi pouring water into it, az tew outtalk sum wimmin I kno ov.We laff at sheep bekauze when one ov them leads the way all the rest follow, however ridikilus it may be, and i suppose sheep laff, when they see us doing the vary same thing.It will do tew endorse some men, but not their paper, while thare iz others whoze paper iz safer tew endosse than their karakter.Fortune iz no holyday goddess she don’t simper amung arkadian scenes, she dwells in rugged places, and yu kant wear her favors without winning them.FOUNDLINGS.Hethat will foller good advice, iz a greater man than he that gives it.It iz human to err, but devlish to brag on it.Blessed iz he who haz a big pile, and knows how to spread it.The minds ov the young are eazily trained; it iz hard work to git an old hop vine to travel a new pole.I dont hanker after bad luck, but I had rather run the risk ov it than trust too mutch in the professions ov men.Just in proportion that a man iz thankful to Heaven, and hiz nabor, just in that proportion he iz happy.It iz a dredful fine thing to whip a young one jist enuff, and not enny more. I take it that the spot iz lokated jist whare their pride ends, and their mad begins.Blessed iz them who hav no eye for a key, nor ear for a knot-hole.A man should learn tew be a good servant to himself before he iz fit to boss others.The more exalted our stashun, the more conspikuous our299virtews, just az a ritch setting adds to the brilliancy ov a jewel.Blessed are the single, for they kan double at leizure.If yu want to learn a child to steal oats in the bundle, make him beg out ov yu evry thing that yu giv him.Thare iz nothing so difikult for the best ov us az tew git the approval ov our own conscience.Blessed iz he who kan pocket abuse, and feel that it iz no disgrace to be bit by a dog.Punishments, tew hit the spot, should be few, but red-hot.Happyness consists in being perfektly satisfied with what we hav got, and what we haint got.We are told that ritches takes wings and flies out ov sight, and i hav known them tew take the proprietor along with them.Blessed iz the man who kan eat hash with a clear conscience, for hiz heart must be full ov pitty.I hav seen those who were az full ov awl sorts ov learning az the heavens are ov wind; they are just the things to cut up into weather-cocks.If a man iz thoroughly satisfied with himself, he will be very well satisfied with evrybody else.“Blessed are the meek and lowly” (and very lucky, too, if they don’t git their noze pulled.)If death iz an evil, birth iz a greater one.One ov the fussyest scenes I ever listened to, waz two old maids, waiting on one sick bachelor.If we take all the hard sledding ov this life, and make it four times az mutch, it wont amount tew the affliktions that men pile on to each other.I think evry man and woman on earth, ought tew wear on their hat-band theze words, in large letters: “Lead us not into temtashun.”I never knew ennyboddy yet to git stung by hornets, who kept away from whare they waz—it iz jist so with bad-luck.Blessed iz he who haz got a good wife and knows how to sail her.300The true definition ov a luxury iz sumthing that another feller haint got the stamps to buy.Blessed iz he who alwus carrys a big stone in hiz hand but never heaves her.Pissmires on the level, are only insignificent, but when they git up on end and begin tew strut on 2 legs they are permanantly ridiklous.I never read the comick papers, dear Jesse, enny more than I would eat rye-bread when I am away from home.Yu kan judge ov a mans religion very well by hearing him talk, but yu kant judge ov hiz piety by what he sez, enny more than yu kan judge ov hiz amount ov linnen by the stick out ov hiz collar and waistbands.DRIED FRUIT.Whena rooster crows, he crows all over.Apoor, but dishonest cussiz about az low down az enny man kan git, unless he drinks whiskee too.Error will slip thru a crack, while truth will git stuck in a doorway.The man who haz just found out he kant afford tew burn green wood haz taken hiz fust lesson in ekonemy.Thare iz only one thing that kan beat truth, and that iz he who alwus speaks it.It iz hard work, at fust sight, tew see the wisdum ov a rattle snaik bite, but thare iz thousands ov folks who never think ov their sins untill they are bit bi a rattle snaik.Thare iz a grate deal ov human natur in a krab, if yu don’t pick them up in the right way, yu will diskover it.I think now, if i had all the money that iz due me, i would invest it in a saw mill, and then “let her rip.”Take the humbugg out ov this world, and yu wont hav mutch left tew do bizzness with.301When we say, “such a man haz bowels ov mercy,” do we mean tew be understood that he iz a light eater?Faith and curiosity are the gin cocktails ov suckcess.Advertising iz sed tew be a certain means of success; sum folks are so impressed with this truth, that it sticks out ov their tombstun.Thare iz this diffrence between ignorance and error; ignorance iz stone blind, and error iz near-sighted; ignorance stands still and error only moves to run agin a post.Economy iz a savings bank, into which men drop pennys, and git dollars in return.There iz one thing yu kant put out, and that iz yure conscience; yu may smother it, but a coal pit, it kontains the charred remains.The two richest men now living in Amerika that i kno of, iz the one who haz got the most money and the other who wants the least; and the last one iz the happiest ov the two.REMNANTS.Customsare like grease—they make ennything slip eazy.Thare iz sum things that kant be counterfitted—a blush iz one ov them.Goodness iz jist az mutch ov a studdy az mathumaticks iz.If a man expekts tew be very virtewous he musn’t mix too much with the world, nor too mutch with himself neither.Thare iz more deviltry in the world than thare iz ignorance.The people who acktually deserve tew liv their lives over agin are the verry ones who dont want to do it.The richest man ov all iz he who haz got but little, but haz got all he wants.Natur makes all the noblemen—wealth, edukashun, nor pedigree, never made one yet.302When a man duz me a favour i alwus try tew remember it, and when he duz me an injury i alwus try tew forget it—if i dont, I ought to.
NEST EGGS.
NEST EGGS.
It iz a wize man that watches himself, and a phoolish one that watches hiz nabors.
Vanity iz often mistaken for wit, but it iz no more like it than gravity iz like wisdum.
Thare iz this difference between a cunning man and a wize one—the cunning one looks thru a mikriskope, the wize one thru a teleskope. Vanity iz the chief ingredient in every human harte.
Yer will find it az kommon amung slaves and paupers az amung kings and princes.
Bizzy boddys are like pissmires, alwus in a grate hurry about nothing.
One grate reazon whi every boddy likes the falls ov Niagara so mutch iz, bekauze no one kan make one like it.
Thare iz sum hope ov a man who iz wicked, but not weak.
Debt iz like enny other kind ov a trap, eazy enuff tew git into, but hard enuff tew git out ov.
Thare iz no kind ov flattery so powerful, so subtle, and at the same time so agreeable az deference.
Bare necessitys will support life no doubt, so will the works support a watch, but they both want greasing once in a while, jist a leetle.
Philosophy iz a very good kind ov a teacher, and yu may be able tew livbyit, but yu kant livonit—hash will tell.
Lazyness weighs eighteen ounces to the pound.
Thehistoryov life iz tew hope and be disapointed, theviktoryiz to “never say die.”
The way tewFameiz like klimbing a greast pole; thare aint but phew kan do it, and even then it don’t pay.
It iz dredful eazy tew mistake what wethinkfor what weknow; this iz the way that most ov the lies git born that are traveling around loose.
Ambishun iz like a tred wheel; it knows no limits; yu no sooner git tew the end ov it than you begin agin.
We are never in more danger ov being laft at than when we are laffing at others.
Free living leads tew free thinking, free thinking leads tew free loveing, and free loveing leads to the devil.
It iz az hard work tew make a weak man upright az it iz an empty bag.
Good breeding seems tew be the art ov being superior tew most people, and equal tew all, without letting them kno it.
Children are like vines; they will klimb the pole yu set up for them, be it krooked or strate.
Happiness iz not only the choicest posseshun, but tha cheapest; it kosts nothing, if you only think so.
Idleness, like industry, iz ketching.
The devil iz the father ov lies, but he failed tew git out a pattent for hiz invenshun, and hiz bizzness iz now suffering from competishun.
Maxims tew be good should be az sharp az vinegar, az short az pi krust, and az trew az a pair ov steelyards.
A nickname will outlast all a man’s deeds, be they good, bad, or indifferent.
Phun iz the best phisick i kno ov; it iz both cheap and durable.
Conshience iz our private sekretary.
The three gratest luxurys ov life are, a klear conshience, a good appetight, and sound slumber.
Pashion iz like fire, a good servant, but a bad master.
The gay are alwus looking ahead, and the sad are always looking back; it iz a grate pitty they don’t change works with each other.
A pedant iz a very learned individual, who mistakes a pop-gun for a pistill.
Perseveranse will conker enny thing but muskeeters; the only way tew conker them iz tew bak out.
A bigot iz a kind ov human ram, with a good deal ov wool over hiz eyes, but no horns.
It dont require but a phew branes tew make up an atheist, for the less a man knows the less he generally beleaves.
The man who tries tew please everyboddy iz az fickle bi natur az a puppy.
Plezzure iz like mollassiss, tew mutch ov it spiles the taste for everything.
The most miserable people i kno ov are thoze who make plezzure a bizzness; it iz like sliding down a hill 25 miles long.
Thare iz no seed so sure tew produce a big yield az wild oats, and the krop iz repentance.
Politeness iz like ginger-pop, there ain’t mutch nourishment in it, but it haz a pleazant pop and a refreshing flavor.
Profane swaring in a man iz like continual crowing in a barn-yard rooster, a plan tew keep their courage or importanse.
Thareiz one kritter in this world whoze trubbles yu kant console, and she iz—a setting hen.
Thoze persons who spend all ov their spare time watching their simptoms, are the kind who enjoy poor health.
Whenever a minister haz preached a sermon that pleazes281the whole congregashun, he probably haz preached one that the Lord wont endorse.
Evry boddy seems tew be willing to be a phool himself, but he kant bear tew hav ennyboddy else one.
Truth iz the edict ov God.
The philosophers, az a class, are a sett ov old grannys, who possess grate knowledge, part ov which haz bin handed down tew them, and the ballance they guess at.
About the fust and the last thing a human being duz in this world, iz tew shed tears.
Thare iz no grater proff ov the power of love than that the crimes committed in its interests are in a measure hallowed.
I kan tell exackly how mi nabors yung ones ought tew be fetched up, but i aint so clear about mi own.
A loafer iz a person who iz willing tew be abuzed for the privilege ov abusing others.
Thare iz sum folks in this world who spend their whole time hunting after rhighteousness and haint got enny spare time tew praktiss it.
Adversity haz the same effekt on a man that severe training duz on the pugilist—it reduces him tew his fighting waight.
Natur kan be improved upon often with good effekt, but to alter it generally spiles the whole thing.
Affliktions are like the summers sun—they wilt for the purpuss ov ripening.
If yu want to find out a man’s real disposishun, take him when he iz wet and hungry. If he iz aimable then, dry him and fill him up, and you hav got an angel.
The man who haz never bin tempted, dont kno how dishonest he iz.
Thare iz nothing like a sick bed for repentance. A man bekums so virtewous that he will often repent ov sins that he never haz committed.
Three skore year and ten iz the time allotted to man, and it iz enuff. If a man kant suffer all the misery he wants in that time, he must be knumb.
It dont take mutch tew prove a truth. It iz only a lie that requires grate argumentatiff ability.
Listen tew every mans opinyuns, disagree with none, but confide in yure own. This iz a kind ov flattery that wrongs no one.
What a man gains in cunning he alwus lozes in wisdum.
He who wont beleave ennything he kant understand, aint so wize az a mule—for they will kick at a thing they dont expekt tew reach.
All ov us are anxious tew liv tew be very old, but not one in ten thousand kan fill the karakter ov an old man.
Money iz like grain—it iz never so well invested az when it iz well sown.
A bigot iz a religious coward trying tew play the autokrat.
Money never made a man disgraceful yet, but men have often made money disgracefull.
How menny people thare iz who only go into society just for the purpose ov telling over their akes and pains, their gripes and grunts! Such people ought tew be sent at once to the pest house.
Health can be bought, but yu hav got tew pay for it with temperance, at the highest rates.
Give me warm friends and bitter enemys about haff and haff. He who haint got an enemy on arth, kant show a friend that will stick to him thru thik and thin.
Every time a man laffs harty, he takes a kink out ov the chain that binds him to life, and thus lengthens it.
Beauty iz the melody ov the features.
I hav alwus bore it in mind that, jist about in rasho that a person or individual iz proud and hauty, they are ignorant.
Beleaving and disbeleaving iz oftner an effort ov the will than ov the understanding.
It iz a lucky thing that epitaffs dont appear on a man’s tumestun untill he haz gone dead. If they were published while he waz living, what an insult most ov them would be tew hiz reputashun.
I think Adam waz the weakest man i ever read ov. He283committed the most sin, with the least amount ov temtashun, ov enny person history iz familiar with.
One ov the surest sighns ov an intelligent civilizashun iz tew see amung the masses a bekuming respekt and reverence for the aged.
Before yu undertaik tew change a man’s politiks or religion, be sure yu hav got a better one to offer him.
Altho the world iz chuck full ov liars, thare iz but few men who dont prefer tew listen tew the truth.
No man ever got hiz bread by preaching wisdum. Philosophy iz a good thing tew preach, but a cussed poor thing tew liv on.
Tew be forgiven, weakens us; but tew forgiv others, weakens them.
I hav lived in this world jist long enuff tew look karefully the seckond time into things that i am the most certain ov the fust time.
Great men are seldum intimate. They are too jealous to love or esteem each other.
Idontlike tew speak disrespekfullness agin ennyboddys near relashuns, but i hav made up mi mind that Eve waz a phool, and that Adam waz a bigger one.
Too mutch religion iz wuss than none at all. Yu kant sho me a kuntry that haz existed yet, whare the people, all ov them, professed one religion and persekuted all other kinds, but what the religion ruined the country. (I paws for a repli.)
It iz a good thing for thoze who hav bin sinful tew turn over a nu leaf, but it often happens that, in doing this, they turn over two leaves at onst, and bekum so suddenly virtewous that they freeze up stiff.
It iz better tew kno nothing than tew kno jist enuff tew doubt and tew differ.
Charity is like a mule, a good servant but a bad master. When charity gits entire control ov a man’s affairs, it runs the affairs and the man both into the ground.
Selfishness iz the alter which every man sets up in hiz soul and asks hiz conscience to be high priest ov the cerimonys.
Cunning, at best, only duz the dirty work ov wisdum, and tharefore i dispize it.
Hartes and dimonds are the two strong suits for a woman to hold—klubs and spades for man.
HARD TACK.
HARD TACK.
I kant see what woman wants enny more rights for; she beat the fust man born into the world out ov a ded sure thing, and she kan beat the last one with the same kards.
The man who kan stand abuse kan generally stand prosperity. The only way tew beat the devil iz tew fite him with the Bible in one hand and a sword in the other.
If i could only praktiss az well az i kan preach, i would not thank a man tew warrent me in this world nor in the world tew cum.
The kream ov a joke dont never lay on the top, but alwus at the bottom.
Whenever i see a man anxious tew git into a fite that dont belong tew him, i am alwus anxious tew hav him, for i kno he iz certain tew be the wust whipped man in the party.
About all thare iz in mans natur that iz natral iz hiz sins, and about all thare iz in his natur that iz kultivated iz hiz way ov hiding thoze sins.
Pashunce iz oftner the result ov numbness than it iz ov principle.
I dont kno how it iz with other pholks, but with me, the fall ov the Roman empire iz a grate deal eazier tew bear than a fall on the ice.
I dont think thare ever waz a human being yet, who haz met deth without expekting in the last extremity tew be saved from it; even our Saviour uttered that wonderful exklamashun, “My God! my God! why hast thou forsaken me?”
I am glad ov one thing, that i am keenly alive tew mental and phisikal suffering—i had az soon be a hydraulik ram az tew be able to sit down and hav a big dubble tooth jerked out without winking.
Thare are but phew men weak enuff tew admit their jealousys—even a disgraced rooster, in a barn-yard, will git a little further off and begin tew crow up a new reputashun.
Thare haz been more men in this world burnt at the stake for serving the Lord than for serving the devil, and thare alwus will be.
I alwus did admire the malice ov the mule—if a freak ov fortune had made me as unfortunate among men az the mule iz amung animals, i would begin tew kick at things a mile and a haff off.
Men no doubt owe mutch ov their suckcess in this world tew chance, but chances dont go for a man, the man must go for the chances.
Econeme iz simply the art ov gitting the wuth ov our money.
Tew work iz the grate law ov natur—if the woodchuck dont dig a hole he wont hav one, it iz trew he may steal one, but then sum other woodchuck will have tew dig two.
Human happiness iz a dredful hard thing tew define. I hav seen a man, perfektly happy without enny shirt tew hiz back, bekum suddenly furious bekauze sumboddy had given him one, the collar ov which wan’t starched stiff enuff.
Thare iz a grate deal ov bad luk lieing around loose in this world, but it iz publick property, it dont belong tew ennyboddy in pertikular.
Things haz got so now, if a man stops, he iz a-going tew be run over, for thare aint no man ov consequentz enuff tew stop the whole proceshun.
If I waz a-going tew civilize a parcel of heathen on sum distant ile by the job, i should debate sum time in mi mind which tew send, dancing-masters or missionarys.
We speak ov “falling in love,” without always thinking that it iz the only way tew git in love—we all stumble into it, and kan seldum tellhoworwhy.
One ov the very best things a man kan say when he haz reazonable doubts what he ought tew say, iz tew saynothing.
It iz a disgrace tew enny man tew be feared.
Sychophants are alwus the fust ones tew be sakrificed when disasters cum.
In a world like this, whare thare iz at least five false things to one that iz true, guessing iz poor bizzness.
The best kind ov advice tew foller iz that which agrees with our own opinyun.
Thefearov God iz the philosphy ov religion; theloveov God iz the charity of religion.
Hope iz a hen that lays more eggs than she kan hatch out.
Better leave yure child virtew than money; but this iz a sekret known only tew a few.
I honestly beleave it iz better tew know nothing than two know what ain’t so.
About the hardest work a phellow kan do iz tew spark two galls at once, and preserve a good average.
Prudery iz one ov virtews bastards.
A nickname will outline enny man or thing; it iz like the crook in a dogg’s taile, you may cut it oph, and throw it behind the barn, but the crook is thare yet, and the stump iz the epitaph.
If yu analize what most men kall plezzure, yu will find it compozed ov one part humbugg, and two parts pain.
When yu haint got nothing tew do, do it at once; this iz the way to learn to be bizzy.
We hav bin told that the best way to overkum misfortunes iz tew fight with them—I hav tried both ways, and recommend a successful dodge.
The art ov becomeing ov importance in the eyes ov others, iz not tew overrate ourself, but tew cauze them tew do it.
The true way to understand the judgments ov heaven is to submit to them.
Method iz everything, espeshily tew ordinary men; the few men who kan lift a ton, at plessure, hav a divine right tew take holt ov it tew a disadvantage.
The mind ov man iz like a piece ov land that, tew be useful, must be manured with learning, ploughed with energy, sown with virtew, and harvested with ekonemy.
Whare religion iz a trade, moralityiza merchandize.
Conversashun should be enlivened with wit, not compozed ov it.
The less a man knows, the more he will guess at; and guessing iz nothing more than suspicion.
Going tew law, iz like skinning a new milch cow for the hide, and giving the meat tew the lawyers.
Death, tew most ov us, iz a kind ov “farewell benefit,”—“positively our last appearance.”
Phools are quite often like hornets, verry bizzy, but about what, the Lord only knows.
Living on Hope, iz like living on wind, a good way tew git phull, but a poor way tew git phatt.
Jealousy don’t pay, the best it kan do, iz tew diskover what we don’t want tew find, nor don’t expekt to.
Sekrets are a mortgage on friendships.
I don’t think a bad man iz az dandgerous az a weak one—I don’t think that a bile that haz cum tew a hed, iz az risky as a hidden one, that may cum tew a dozzen heds.
A vivid imaganashun iz like sum glasses, makes things at a288distance look twice az big as they am, and cluss to, twice as small az they am.
Hope iz a draft on futurity, sumtimes honored, but generally extended.
If the world dispizes a hypokrit, what must they think ov him in Heaven.
Flattery iz like Colone water, tew be smelt ov, not swallowed.
After all, there don’t seem tew be but this diffrence between the wize men and the phools; the wize men are all fuss and sum feathers, while the phools are all fuss and no feathers.
Without friends and without enemys iz the last reliable ackount we hav ov a stray dog.
Men generally, when they whip a mule, sware; the mule remembers the swareing, but forgits the licking.
Sum folks wonder whare awl the lies cum from, but i don’t, one good liar will pizen a whole country.
Hunting after fame iz like hunting after fleas, hard tew ketch, and sure tew make yu uneazy if yu dew or don’t ketch them.
Menny people spend their time trieing tew find the hole whare sin got into this world—if two men brake through the ice into a mill pond, they had better hunt for sum good hole tew git out, rather than git into a long argument about the hole they cum tew fall in.
Imaginashun, tew mutch indulged in, soon iz tortured into reality; this iz one way that good hoss thiefs are made, a man leans over a fence all day, and imagines the hoss in the lot belongs tew him, and sure enuff, the fust dark night, the hoss does.
If you must chaw terbacker, young man, for Heaven’s sake, chaw old plugg, it iz the nastyest.
Truthiz like the burdocks a cow gits into the end ov her tail, the more she shakes them oph, the less she gits rid ov them.
Thare is 2 kinds ov men in this world, that i don’t kare about meeting when i am in a grate hurry. Men whom i owe, and men who want to owe me.
INK LINGS.
INK LINGS.
Thare iz always one chance agin the best laid plans ov man, and the Lord holds that chance.
Mi private opinyun about “abscence ov mind” is, that 9 times out ov 10, it iz abscence ov branes.
The flattery that men offer tew themselfs iz the most dangerous, bekause the least suspekted.
Take a kitten that kan hardly walk on land, and chuck him into a mill pond, and he will swim ashore—enny boddy kan apply the moral in this. The best philosophers and moralists i hav ever met, hav been thoze who had plenty to eat, and drink, and had money at interest.
It takes a wize man to suffer prosperity, but most enny phool kan suffer adversity.
Pride, after all, iz one ov our best friends—it makes us beleave we are better and happier than our nabors.
Before yu give enny man advise, find out what kind ov advice will suit him the best.
Knowledge is like money, the more a man gits the more he hankers for.
The vices and phollys ov grate men are never admired nor imitated bi grate men.
The trew art ov kriticism is tew excuse faults rather than ridikule them.
We hav no more right to laff at a deformed person, than we hav at a crooked tree—both ov them are God’s arkitekture.
How strange it iz that most men had rather be flattered for possessing what they hav not, than to be justly praised for having what they possess.
Suavity ov manners towards men iz like suavity ov molassis toward flies, it not only calls them to you, but sticks them fast after they git thare.
Thare iz a grate deal ov charity in this world so koldly rendered that it fairly hurts, it iz like lifting a drowning man out ov the water bi the hair ov the hed, and then letting him drop on the ground.
Exchanging kompliments iz another name for exchanging lies.
The greatest thief this world haz ever produced izProcrastination, and he is still at large.
Religion iz nothing more than a chattel mortgage, excepted, and rekorded, az sekurity for a man’s morality, and virtew.
White lies are sed tew be innocent, but i am satisfied that enny man who will lie for phun, after a while will lie for wages.
The most valuable thing in this world iz Time, and yet people waste it as they do water, most of them letting it run full head, and even the most prudent let it drizzle.
The devil himself, with all hiz genius, allways travels under an alias—this shows the power of truth and morality.
If a dog falls in love with you at first sight, it will do to trust him—not so with a man.
One ov the hardest things to do is to be a good listener, thoze who are stone deaf succeed the best.
If you don’t kno how to lie, cheat and steal, turn yure attenshun to pollyticks, and learn how.
Thare are men who seem to be born on purpose to step into291every thing, they kant set a common rat trap without gitting ketched in it.
A sekret iz like an aking tooth, it keeps us uneasy until it iz out.
I hav larn’t one thing, bi grate experience, and that iz, I want as much watching az mi nabors do.
The only way to larn sum men how to do enny thing, iz to do it yourself.
I don’t rekoleckt now ov ever hearing ov two dogs fiteing, unless thare waz a man or two around.
A wize man is never so mutch alone, as when he iz in a crowd, and never so mutch in a crowd as when he iz alone.
I am satisfied that thare iz more weakness among men than malice.
Thare iz no man in the world so easy to cheat az ourselfs.
I don’t kno ov ennything that will kill a man so quick az praize that he don’t deserve.
Repentanse should be the effekt ov love—not fear.
The soul haz more disseases than the boddy haz.
Things that we kant do wouldn’t be ov enny use to us, if we could do them.
Amongst animals the most ignorant are the most stubborn, and i wonder if this ain’t so amungst men.
A phool seems tew be a person who haz more will than judgment, and more vanity than either.
The fust intimashun i had that i waz gitting old waz, i found myself telling to mi friends the same storys over again.
In repenting ov sins, men are apt tew repent ov thoze they haint got, and overlook thoze they hav.
A dandy never yet fell in love—only with himself.
Revenge sumtimes sleeps, but vanity always keeps one eye open.
Thoze folks who expekt to fail in an enterprise, most generally do.
A man with only one accomplishment kant expekt to interest us long.
We all git tired pretty soon looking at a goose standing on one leg.
Themoon looks down at night upon the vices of the world and yet remains az chaste az ever.
Caution and curiosity are the privy counsillers ov truth.
I had rather not have a thing than tew be obliged tew wait for it.
We are always a-looking ahed, and that iz the way tew look; if the man at the wheel looks back he will soon beach hiz vessell.
The time tew be karefullest iz when we hav a hand full ov trumps.
I am a poor man, but i hav this consolashun, i am poor by acksident, not desighn.
What an unreal life most folks lead; they don’t ever hav a genuine taste ov sorrow during their existence.
How menny people thare iz whoze importance depends entirely upon the size ov their hotel bills.
Mother!—The holy thoughts and chastened memorys that cluster around this name can never be so well expressed az in the calm utterance ov the name itself.
It iz a good thing tew be hedstrong, but it iz a better thing tew understand that a stun-wall iz a hard thing tew buk agin.
Mankind ain’t apt tew respekt verry mutch what they are familiar with, it iz what we don’t know, or kant see, that we hanker for.
When i see people ov shaller understandings extravagantly clothed, i always feel sorry—for the clothes.
I am just az certain that thare iz sitch a thing az “Spiritual manafestashuns” az i am that there iz plenty ov superstishun and trickery.
Prosperity makes us suspicious ov each other, while adversity makes us trust in each other—the only way that i kan akount for this iz that in prosperity we hav sumthing tew lose, while in adversity we hav everything tew gain.
I konsider it a grate kompliment tew religion that there are only two substitutes for it; one iz hipokrasy, and the other iz superstishun.
It iz a safe mistake tew make to call a man “Kurnel,” who may in fakt be only a 4th Korporal.
We are never nearer right than we am when we fear we are rong.
Modesty weighs a pound, impudence only 6 ounces, this ackounts for the diffidence ov the one, and the vivacity ov the other.
Envy iz not so bad a pashun when it prompts us tew bild our chimney higher than our nabors, but when it prompts us tew hurt hiz draft it iz an awful mean one.
I thank the Lord for one thing, that he haz made the wordnothe hardest one in any language tew say.
Old dorgs nuss their grudges, but yung pupps fight and then frolik.
A man may git a big fut, or a pug noze, bi birthright, but nine-tenths ov hiz virtews are the effekt ov associashun or edukashun.
Confess yure sorrows, yure fears, yure hopes, yure love, and even yure deviltrys tew men, but don’t let them git a smell ov yure poverty—poverty haz no friends, not even among paupers.
Larning iz the only good substitute for experience.
I suppoze the reazon whi we all ov us admire the Atlantik Ocean so mutch iz bekauze it don’t belong tew enny boddy in partiklar; for what we kant own, iz about all that we aint jealous ov.
Pedantry iz ignorant knowledge.
Thare iz this difference between modesty and bashfulness, one iz paint under the skin, and the other iz paint on the outside ov it, liable tew wash oph.
Abstinenceshould be the exception, andtemperancethe rule.
If a man should happen tew reach perfeckshun in this world, he would hav tew die immediately tew enjoy himself.
One ov the best evidences ov our immortality, iz our desires tew be so.
A man who haint got enny imaginashun at all, iz just right for a hitching post.
Old age iz covetous, bekauze it haz larnt bi experience, that the best friend a man haz in this world, iz hiz pocket-book.
Love iz the fust pashun ov the heart, ambishun the seckond and avarice the third, and last.
Patience will tire out ennything but musketoes.
Deference iz silent flattery.
The chains ov slavery are none the less gauling for being made ov gold.
The love that a man gains by flattery, is worth just about az mutch az the flattery is.
“Happy as a king,” iz a libel on happiness, and on the king to.
If you will be familiar, you must expekt tew loose the confidence ov phools, and the esteem ov the wize.
Learning iz a good deal like strength, it requires good hoss sense tew know how tew apply it.
Grate men are knot bi enny means the best ov companyuns, they seldum kan ever enjoy themselfs.
Confess yure sins tew the Lord, and yu will be forgiven, confess them tew men, and yu will be laffed at.
Impudence is nothing more than open hipokrasy.
About the most we kan hope in our old age iz tew endure the thoughts ov what we enjoyed when we waz young.
There iz only one good substitute for the endearments ov a sister, and that iz the endearments ov sum other pheller’s sister.
Thareiz a grate deal ov rezolushun inGin, but kussid little judgment.
A nikname will not only outliv a man, but outlast even hiz tombstun.
What iz the chief end ov man? To foot hiz wife’s bills and foot the man who insults her.
A genial old man iz pleasant tew look upon, but a frisky old man is too mutch like an Irish wake to be captivating.
A man who kant fiddle but one tune, i don’t kare how well he kan do it, ain’t a permanent suckcess.
HOT KORN.
HOT KORN.
After all i don’t kno az thare iz ennything in this world that pays mutch better than being a natral born phool.
A literary reputashun iz hard tew git and eazy tew loose, and when once lost iz lost forever.
Thare iz grate art in growing old gracefully.
If a man haz got a good reputashun he better git it insured, for they are dredful risky.
Misplaced charity iz a good blunder tew make. If yu want tew git a good general idee ov a man’s karakter find out from him what hiz opinion ov his nabor iz.
It iz a grate deal better for a man tew be defamed than tew be praized for what he don’t possess.
Genuine happiness is like a genuine ghost, everyboddy talks about them and seems tew beleaf in them, but i guess noboddy hain’t seen one yet.
Solomon remarked “that thare want ennything nu under the sun,” and it duz really seem that if a man sez ennything nu he haz got tew lie a leetle tew do it.
I serpose that whi advise is such a drug in the market iz bekauze the supply alwus exceeds the demand.
Dandys and blujays are alike, both worthless without their feathers.
Gold seems tew be the standard of all values in this world Even virtew in a poor man, iz quoted 75 per cent belo par.
Watching one’s helth all the time iz like watching the weather—a grate deal of time iz lost, and thare iz just az menny showers after all.
We hear a good deal sed about the freaks ov natur, but i hav alwus noticed that when natur makes a two-legged swine, she takes a mighty sight ov pains about it.
Gravity iz the homage that a phool pays to wisdum, without knowing it.
A flatterer iz a common enemy.
If mankind were obliged tew giv their gifts sekretly, they would look upon it az a grate hardship.
He that won’t listen, kan’t learn; phools and bobalinks are poor listeners, and hav but one song.
Thare iz nothing we talk so fluently about az happiness, and nothing we kno so little about.
Revenge iz the prerogative ov the brutes.
Manneriz a grate deal more attraktive thanmatter—espeshily in a monkey.
Whenever yu find a man who iz strikly honest, yu will find one who iz truly courageous.
When eloquence and wisdum kontend for the superiority in a man, he haz got about az far abuv the rest ov us az he kan git.
The luv ov change iz az natral in man az it iz in natur.
Thare iz two kinds ov hipokrits, the bold, and the humble, and the humble ones are the wust.
The grate strength ov simplicity lays in the words,not in the ideas.
I don’t beleave thare iz ennything in this world that will add to a man’s wealth, convenience or luxury, but what he kan git, if he will only hunt enuff for it.
All wimmin are bi natur flirts, but those who are the most so, have the least sense.
To be thoroughly good-natured, and yet avoid being imposed upon, shows great strength ov character.
Enny person who will deliberately flatter yu, will deliberately defame yu.
It iz a mighty hard job tew respekt the man that we hav tew forgiv.
I beleave thare iz more people in this world, honest from policy, than thare iz from principle.
Very old people often are free from all appearances ov sin, bekauze they hav nothing left for either tew feed upon.
Thare are people who are alwus anticipating trubble, and in this way they manage tewenjoymenny sorrows that never really happen tew them.
Fear ov sin haz made a grate menny more Christians than the luv ov virtew haz.
I kno ov sevral kinds ov kuriosity, but thare iz one kind which prompts us tew stick our noze into things just for the purpose ov smelling.
The luv ov praize never made enny man wuss, and haz made menny a man better.
Thoze people who are sik and disgusted with themselfs are the ones who suffer from ennui.
In bible times, when Balem’s ass spoke, it waz a mirakle; but the daze ov mirakels are over, and the greatest asses we hav in theze times are the gratest talkers.
Thare iz quite a difference between aluminous and avoluminous writer, altho menny authors konfound the two.
Thoze who hav never sukceeded themselfs are alwus the most reddy tew tell others how tew do it.
I am satisfied that the 2 gratest bores in the world are the Hoosick tunnel and the author who iz hunting up a publisher for his fust book.
If yu wish tew retain the friendship, or even luv, ov others, yu must keep them in yure hands, and not git into theirs.
It iz kind ov phunny that while modesty iz the gratest evidence ov merit, it seems tew be the poorest gurantee ov suckcess.
Admire beauty, but don’t worship it.
Cunning men are sure tew git kaught at last, and when298they are kaught they are like a fox in a trap, about the sylliest looking fox yu ever see.
Yu mite az well undertake tew drown a knot-hole out, bi pouring water into it, az tew outtalk sum wimmin I kno ov.
We laff at sheep bekauze when one ov them leads the way all the rest follow, however ridikilus it may be, and i suppose sheep laff, when they see us doing the vary same thing.
It will do tew endorse some men, but not their paper, while thare iz others whoze paper iz safer tew endosse than their karakter.
Fortune iz no holyday goddess she don’t simper amung arkadian scenes, she dwells in rugged places, and yu kant wear her favors without winning them.
Hethat will foller good advice, iz a greater man than he that gives it.
It iz human to err, but devlish to brag on it.
Blessed iz he who haz a big pile, and knows how to spread it.
The minds ov the young are eazily trained; it iz hard work to git an old hop vine to travel a new pole.
I dont hanker after bad luck, but I had rather run the risk ov it than trust too mutch in the professions ov men.
Just in proportion that a man iz thankful to Heaven, and hiz nabor, just in that proportion he iz happy.
It iz a dredful fine thing to whip a young one jist enuff, and not enny more. I take it that the spot iz lokated jist whare their pride ends, and their mad begins.
Blessed iz them who hav no eye for a key, nor ear for a knot-hole.
A man should learn tew be a good servant to himself before he iz fit to boss others.
The more exalted our stashun, the more conspikuous our299virtews, just az a ritch setting adds to the brilliancy ov a jewel.
Blessed are the single, for they kan double at leizure.
If yu want to learn a child to steal oats in the bundle, make him beg out ov yu evry thing that yu giv him.
Thare iz nothing so difikult for the best ov us az tew git the approval ov our own conscience.
Blessed iz he who kan pocket abuse, and feel that it iz no disgrace to be bit by a dog.
Punishments, tew hit the spot, should be few, but red-hot.
Happyness consists in being perfektly satisfied with what we hav got, and what we haint got.
We are told that ritches takes wings and flies out ov sight, and i hav known them tew take the proprietor along with them.
Blessed iz the man who kan eat hash with a clear conscience, for hiz heart must be full ov pitty.
I hav seen those who were az full ov awl sorts ov learning az the heavens are ov wind; they are just the things to cut up into weather-cocks.
If a man iz thoroughly satisfied with himself, he will be very well satisfied with evrybody else.
“Blessed are the meek and lowly” (and very lucky, too, if they don’t git their noze pulled.)
If death iz an evil, birth iz a greater one.
One ov the fussyest scenes I ever listened to, waz two old maids, waiting on one sick bachelor.
If we take all the hard sledding ov this life, and make it four times az mutch, it wont amount tew the affliktions that men pile on to each other.
I think evry man and woman on earth, ought tew wear on their hat-band theze words, in large letters: “Lead us not into temtashun.”
I never knew ennyboddy yet to git stung by hornets, who kept away from whare they waz—it iz jist so with bad-luck.
Blessed iz he who haz got a good wife and knows how to sail her.
The true definition ov a luxury iz sumthing that another feller haint got the stamps to buy.
Blessed iz he who alwus carrys a big stone in hiz hand but never heaves her.
Pissmires on the level, are only insignificent, but when they git up on end and begin tew strut on 2 legs they are permanantly ridiklous.
I never read the comick papers, dear Jesse, enny more than I would eat rye-bread when I am away from home.
Yu kan judge ov a mans religion very well by hearing him talk, but yu kant judge ov hiz piety by what he sez, enny more than yu kan judge ov hiz amount ov linnen by the stick out ov hiz collar and waistbands.
Whena rooster crows, he crows all over.
Apoor, but dishonest cussiz about az low down az enny man kan git, unless he drinks whiskee too.
Error will slip thru a crack, while truth will git stuck in a doorway.
The man who haz just found out he kant afford tew burn green wood haz taken hiz fust lesson in ekonemy.
Thare iz only one thing that kan beat truth, and that iz he who alwus speaks it.
It iz hard work, at fust sight, tew see the wisdum ov a rattle snaik bite, but thare iz thousands ov folks who never think ov their sins untill they are bit bi a rattle snaik.
Thare iz a grate deal ov human natur in a krab, if yu don’t pick them up in the right way, yu will diskover it.
I think now, if i had all the money that iz due me, i would invest it in a saw mill, and then “let her rip.”
Take the humbugg out ov this world, and yu wont hav mutch left tew do bizzness with.
When we say, “such a man haz bowels ov mercy,” do we mean tew be understood that he iz a light eater?
Faith and curiosity are the gin cocktails ov suckcess.
Advertising iz sed tew be a certain means of success; sum folks are so impressed with this truth, that it sticks out ov their tombstun.
Thare iz this diffrence between ignorance and error; ignorance iz stone blind, and error iz near-sighted; ignorance stands still and error only moves to run agin a post.
Economy iz a savings bank, into which men drop pennys, and git dollars in return.
There iz one thing yu kant put out, and that iz yure conscience; yu may smother it, but a coal pit, it kontains the charred remains.
The two richest men now living in Amerika that i kno of, iz the one who haz got the most money and the other who wants the least; and the last one iz the happiest ov the two.
Customsare like grease—they make ennything slip eazy.
Thare iz sum things that kant be counterfitted—a blush iz one ov them.
Goodness iz jist az mutch ov a studdy az mathumaticks iz.
If a man expekts tew be very virtewous he musn’t mix too much with the world, nor too mutch with himself neither.
Thare iz more deviltry in the world than thare iz ignorance.
The people who acktually deserve tew liv their lives over agin are the verry ones who dont want to do it.
The richest man ov all iz he who haz got but little, but haz got all he wants.
Natur makes all the noblemen—wealth, edukashun, nor pedigree, never made one yet.
When a man duz me a favour i alwus try tew remember it, and when he duz me an injury i alwus try tew forget it—if i dont, I ought to.