IN A HORN.Sumtimes theze rings fill up the whole horn and grow off onto the adjoining fences in the pasture lot, but this only happens tew very old cows.I never knu it tew happen in mi life, and I dont think it ever did, it iz one ov them venerable lies that are handed down from father to son, just tew keep the stock ov lies from running out.When I waz a boy and had just begun tew chew tobacco, i waz told that butter cum from the cow’s horn—I hav since found out that this iz another cussed old lie. This lieing tew children iz no evidence ov genius, and iz sowing the seeds ov decepshun in a soil too apt bi nature tew covet what aint undoubtedly so.“Dinner-Horn.”—This is the oldest, and most sakred horn thare iz. It iz set tew musik, and plays “Home, Sweet Home” about noon. It has bin listened tew, with more rapturous delite, than ever Graffula’s band haz. Yu kan hear it further than yu kan one ov Mr. Rodman’s guns. It61will arrest a man and bring him in quicker than a sheriff’s warrent. It kan outfoot enny other noize. It kauzes the deaf tew hear, and the dum tew shout for joy. Glorious old instrument! long may yure lungs last!“Ram’s Horn.”—A spiral root, that emerges suddenly from the figure hed ov the maskuline sheep, and ramafies untill it reaches a tip end. Ram’s horns are alwus a sure sighn ov battle. They are used tew butt with,but without enny respekt to persons. They will attak a stun wall, or a deakon or an established church. A story iz told ov old deakon Fletcher ov Konnektikutt State, who waz digging post holes in a ram pasture on hiz farm, and the moshun ov hiz boddy waz looked upon, by the old ram, who fed in the lot, az a banter for a fight.Without arrangeing enny terms for the fight, the ram went incontinently for the deakon, and took him, the fust shot, on the blind side ov hiz boddy, jist about the meridian.The blow transposed the deakon sum eighteen feet, with a heels-over-hed moshun.Exhasperated tew a point, at least ten foot beyond endurance, the deakon jumped up, and skreamed his whole voice * * * “yu darned—old cuss,” and then all at once remembering that he waz a good, piuz deakon, he apologized by saying—“that iz, if I may be allowed the expresshun.”The deakon haz mi entire simpathy for the remarks made tew the ram.“Whisky Horn.”—This horn varys in length, but from three to six inches iz the favorite size.It iz different from other horns, being ov a fluid natur.It iz really more pugnashus than the ram’s horn; six inches ov it will knok a man perfekly calm.When it knoks a man down it holds him thare.It iz either the principal or the sekond in most all the iniquity that iz travelling around.It makes brutes of men, demons of wimmin and vagrants of children.It haz drawn more tears, broken more hearts and blited62more hopes than all the other agencys of the devil put together.“Horn Comb.”—This simple little unsophistikated instrument haz beheaded countless legions ov innocent children.I don’t mean that it haz cut oph their heads, but that it haz cut its way thru the hirsute embossing that adorns their skalps.It haz two rows of sharp teeth, and always haz a good appetite.It iz always az ready for a job az a village lawyer, and iz az thorough az a sarch warrent.It iz an emblem of faith and neatness.When it gits old and looses its teeth it should be cherished, hung up and labeled, “Well done old mouser.”I always look upon an old and worn out horn tooth comb with a species ov venerashun, bordering on melankolly. It reminds me ov mi boyhood,andthe boyish things that waz running through mi head in thoze days ov simplicity and innocence.Thare iz a grate menny other kinds ov horns, but I haint got the time to tell yu all about them now. Thare iz the “Powder Horn,” the “Horn ov the Bull Head,” and the “Horn ov Plenty;” and there iz also “Horn Tooke,” a celebrated writer ov hiz day; but good-by for the present.KISSING.Ihavwritten essays on kissing before this one, and they didn’t satisfy me, nor dew I think this one will, for the more a man undertakes tew tell about a kiss, the more he will reduce his ignorance tew a science.Yu kant analize a kiss enny more than yu kan the breath ov a flower. Yu kant tell what makes a kiss taste so good enny more than yu kan a peach.Enny man who kan set down, whare it is cool, and tell how63a kiss tastes, haint got enny more real flavor tew his mouth than a knot hole haz. Such a phellow wouldn’t hesitate tew deskribe Paridise as a fust rate place for gardin sass.The only way tew diskribe a kiss is tew take one, and then set down, awl alone, out ov the draft, and smack yure lips.If yu kant satisfy yureself how a kiss tastes without taking another one, how on arth kan you define it tew the next man.I hav heard writers talk about the egstatick bliss thare waz in a kiss, and they really seemed tew think they knew all about it, but these are the same kind ov folks who perspire and kry when they read poetry, and they fall to writing sum ov their own, and think they hav found out how.I want it understood that I am talking about pure emotional kissing, that is born in the heart, and flies tew the lips, like a humming bird tew her roost.I am not talking about your lazy, milk and molasses kissing, that daubs the face ov enny body, nor yure savage bite, that goes around, like a roaring lion, in search ov sumthing to eat.Kissing an unwilling pair ov lips, iz az mean a viktory, az robbin a bird’s nest, and kissing too willing ones iz about az unfragant a recreation, az making boquets out ov dandelions.The kind ov kissing that I am talking about iz the kind that must do it, or spile.If yu sarch the rekords ever so lively, yu kant find the author ov the first kiss; kissing, like mutch other good things, iz anonymous.But thare iz such natur in it, sitch a world ov language without words, sitch a heap ov pathos without fuss, so much honey, and so little water, so cheap, so sudden, and so neat a mode of striking up an acquaintance, that i consider it a good purchase, that Adam giv, and got, the fust kiss.Who kan imagin a grater lump ov earthly bliss, reduced tew a finer thing, than kissing the only woman on earth, in the garden of Eden.Adam wan’t the man, i don’t beleave, tew pass sich a hand64I may be wrong in mi konklusions, but if enny boddy kan date kissing further back, i would like tew see them do it.I don’t know whether the old stoick philosophers ever kist enny boddy or not, if they did, they probably did it, like drawing a theorem on a black board, more for the purpose of proving sumthing else.I do hate to see this delightful and invigorating beverage adulturated, it iz nektar for the gods, i am often obliged tew stand still, and see kissing did, and not say a word, that haint got enny more novelty, nor meaning in it, than throwing stones tew a mark.I saw two maiden ladys kiss yesterday on the north side ov Union square, 5 times in less than 10 minnitts; they kist every time they bid each other farewell, and then immediately thought ov sumthing else they hadn’t sed. I couldn’t tell for the life ov me whether the kissing waz the effekt ov what they sed, or what they sed waz the effekt ov the kissing. It waz a which, and tother, scene.Cross-matched kissing iz undoubtedly the strength ov the game. It iz trew thare iz no stattu regulashun aginst two females kissing each other; but i don’t think thare iz much pardon for it, unless it iz done to keep tools in order; and two men kissing each other iz prima face evidence ov deadbeatery.Kissing that passes from parent to child, and back agin seems to be az necessary az shinplasters, to do bizzness with; and kissing that hussbands give and take iz simply gathering ripe fruit from ones own plumb tree, that would otherwise drop oph, or be stolen.Tharefore i am driv tew konklude, tew git out ov the corner that mi remarks hav chased me into, that the ile ov a kiss iz only tew be had once in a phellow’s life, in the original package, and that iz when....Not tew waste the time ov the reader, i hav thought best not tew finish the abuv sentence, hoping that their aint no person ov a good edukashun, and decent memory, but what kan reckolekt the time which i refer to, without enny ov mi help.65“WHAT I KNO ABOUT PHARMING.”Whati kno about pharmin, iz kussid little.Mi buzzum friend, Horace Greely, haz rit a book with the abuv name, and altho i haven’t had time tew peerose it yet, i don’t hesitate tew pronounse it bully.Pharmin, (now daze) iz pretty much all theory, and tharefore it aint astonishing, that a man kan live in New York, and be a good chancery lawyer, and also kno all about pharming.BLOWING.A pharm, (now daze) ov one hundred akers, will produse more bukwheat, and pumkins, run on theory, than it would 60 years ago, run with manure, and hard knoks.Thare iz nothing like book larning, and the time will evventually cum, when a man, won’t hav tew hav only one ov “Josh Billing’s Farmers’ Allmanax,” to run a farm, or a kamp meeting with.Even now it aint unkommon, tew see three, or four, hired men, on a farm, with three, or four, spans ov oxen, all standing still, while the boss goes into the library, and reads himself up for the days’ ploughing.If i was running a pharm, (now daze) i suppoze i would rather hav 36 bushels, ov sum nu breed ov potatoze, raized on theory, than tew hav 84 bushels, got in the mean, benighted, and underhanded way, ov our late lamented grand parents.66Pharmin, after all, iz a good deal like the tavern bizzness, ennyboddy thinks they kan keep a hotel, (now daze,)and they kan, but this iz the way that poor hotels cum tew be so plenty, and this iz likewize what makes pharmin such eazy, and proffitable bizzness.Just take the theory out ov pharming, and thare aint nothing left, but hard work, and all fired lite krops.When i see so mutch pholks, rushing into theory pharming, az thare iz, (now daze) and so menny ov them rushing out agin, i think ov that remarkable piece ov skriptur, which remarks, “menny are called, but few are chosen.”I onst took a pharm, on shares miself, and run her on sum theorys, and the thing figured up this way, i dun all the work, I furnished all the seed, and manure, had the ague 9 months, out of 12, for mi share ov the proffits, and the other phellow, paid the taxes on the pharm, for hiz share.By mutual konsent, i quit the farm, at the end of the year.What i kno about pharmin, aint wuth bragging about, and i feel it mi duty to state, for the benefit ov mi kreditors, that if they ever expekt me tew pay 5 cents on a dollar, they musn’t start me in the theoretikal pharmin employ.If a man really iz anxious tew make munny on a pharm, the less theory he lays in the better, and he must do pretty mutch all the work hisself, and support hiz family on what he kant sell, and go ragged enuff all the time tew hunt bees.I kno ov menny farmers, who are so afflikted with superstishun, that they wont plant a single bean, only in the last quarter of the moon, and i kno ov others so pregnant with science, that they wont set a gate post, until they hav had the ground analized, bi sum professor ov anatomy, tew see if the earth haz got the right kind of ingredience for post-holes.This iz what i call running science into the ground.The fakt ov it iz, that theorys, ov all kind, work well, except in praktiss: they are too often designed tew do the work ov praktiss.67Thare aint no theory in brakeing a mule, only tew go at him, with a klub in yure hand, and sum blood in yure eye, and brake him, just as yu would split a log.What i kno about pharming, aint wuth mutch enny how, but I undertook teu brake a kicking heifer once.I read a treatiss on the subjekt, and phollowed the direkshuns cluss, and got knokt endwaze, in about 5 minnits.I then sot down, and thought the thing over.I made up mi mind that the phellow who wrote the treatiss waz more in the treatiss bizzness than he waz in the kicking heifer trade.I cum tew the konklushun that what he knu about milking kiking heifers, he had larnt by leaning over a barn yard fence, and writing the thing up.I got up from my reflekshuns strengthened, and went for that heifer.I will draw a veil over the language i used, and the things i did, but i went in to win,and won.That heifer never bekum a cow.This iz one way tew brake a kicking heifer, and after a man haz studdyed all the books in kreashun on the subjek, and tried them on, he will fall back onto mi plan, and make up hiz mind, az i did, that a kicking heifer iz wuth more for beef than she iz for theoretick milk.I hav worked on a pharm just long enuff tew kno that thare iz no prayers so good for poor land az manure, and no theory kan beat twelve hours each day, (sundaze excepted) of honest labour applied tew the sile.I am an old phashioned phellow, and hartily hate most nu things, bekauze i hav bin beat bi them so often.I never knu a pharm that waz worked pretty mutch by theory, but what waz for sale, or to let, in a fu years, and i never knu a pharm that waz worked by manure, and muscle, on the good old ignorant way ov our ansestors, but what waz handed down, from father to son, and alwus waz noted for razing brawny armed boys, and buxom lasses, and fust rate potatoze.What i kno about pharmin, iz nothing but experiense, and experiense, (now daze,) aint wuth a kuss.68I had rather hav a good looking theory, tew ketch flats with, than the experiense—even ov Methuseler.Experiense iz a good thing tew lay down and die with, but yu kant do no big bizzness with it, (now daze,) it aint hot enuff.Giv me a red hot humbug, and i kan make most ov the experiense, in this world ashamed ov itself.QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS.Qu.—Did you ever see an old horce, holler-eyed and bony, limp-legged and pur-blind, kivvered with a gold-plated harniss and waited upon by a spruce postillion, and a liveryed coachman?Ans.—Yes i hav, and i hav seen old age put on pomposity, hobble in brocade, command reverance, exult with pride and grin with pain, and i hav sed tew myself “poor old hoss.”Qu.—Did yu ever hear phools, and even wise men say that life waz short, that deth waz certain, that happiness waz skase?Ans.—I have herd theze remarks quite often, but i never herd a bizzy man find enny fault with the length of life, nor a pure one regret that deth waz a sure thing, nor a vartuous one konplain about the high price of happiness.Qu.—Did you ever hear an old maid prattle about the falsity ov man, the grate risk thare waz in having one, the bliss thare waz in being boss ov one’s self?Ans.—It seems tew me that i hav, and i have alwus felt az tho the old virgin waz taking medicine awl the time she was saying it.Qu.—Iz thare enny vacancy at present for a man in polite sirkles, who didn’t hav a ritch daddy, or who hadn’t bored suckcessfully for ile himself?Ans.—If we hear ov enny sutch opening we will telegraff yu at once, but jist now, the way things are run, a man with seedy garments on would even git kicked out ov a fust klass meeting house, and be put under 10 thousand dollar bonds69tew keep the peace. Our advice tew a poor, but virtewous individual, would be tew take hiz virtew under hiz arm, keep shady, and let the polite sirkles chew each other.Qu.—Kan a young man without enny mustash git a situation in Nu York Sitty?Ans.—Yes, but it would probably be in the station-house. Yung men without enny mustash are looked upon with suspicion, and yu will find, if yu put them under oath, that they either haint got ennything but common sense, or they are too stingy to buy a bottle ov “Bolivards’s oil ov seduktion,” warrented tew fetch hair, or tare oph the lip.Qu.—Kan yu inform me the best way that haz yet been invented yet to bring up a boy?Ans.—Giv me 10 dollars and i will tell you. But here is a recipee that i giv away. Bring up your boy in fear ov the rod and a gin mill.Qu.—Iz thare enny kure for natral laziness, whare it iz a part ov a man’s constitushun and bye laws?Ans.—Only one kure, that iz, milk a cow on the run, and subsist on the milk.Qu.—How fast duz sound travel?Ans.—This depends a good deal upon the natur ov the noize yu are talking about. The sound ov a dinner horn for instance travels a half a mile in a seckond, while an invitashun tew git up in the morning I hav known to be 3 quarters ov an hour going up two pair ov stairs, and then not hav strength enuff left tew be heard.WHISSLING.Ihavspent a grate deal ov sarching, and sum money, tew find out who waz the first whissler, but up tew now i am just az mutch uncivilized on the subjekt az i waz.I kan tell who played on the first juice harp, and who beat the fust tin pan, and i kno the year the harp ov a thousand70strings waz diskovered in, but when whissling waz an infant, iz az hard for me tew say, az mi prayers in lo dutch.WHISSLING.Whissling iz a wind instrument, and iz did bi puckring up the mouth, and blowing through the hole.Thare aint no tune on the whole earth but what kan be played on this instrument, and that selebrated old tune, Yankeedoodle haz bin almost whissled tew deth.Grate thinkers are not apt tew be good whisslers, in fakt, when a man kant think ov nothing, then he begins tew whissell. We seldom see a raskal who iz a good whissler, thare iz a grate deal ov honor bright, in a sharp, well puckered whissell.Good whisslers are gitting skarse, 75 years ago they waz plenty, but the desire tew git ritch, or tew hold offiss, haz took the pucker out ov this honest, and cheerful amuzement.If i had a boy, who couldn’t whissell, i don’t want tew be understood, that i should feel at liberty, tew giv the boy up for lost, but i would mutch rather he would kno how tew whissell fust rate, than to kno how tew play a seckond rate game ov kards.I wouldn’t force a boy ov mine tew whissell agin his natral inclinashun.Wimmin az a kind, or in the lump, are poor whizzlers, i don’t kno how i found this out, but i am glad ov it, it iz a good deal like crowing in a hen.71Crowing iz an unladylike thing in a hen tew do.I hav often heard hens tri tew cro, but i never knu one tew do herself justiss.A rooster kan krow well, and a hen kan kluk well, and i sa let each one ov them stik tew their trade.Klucking iz jist az necessary in this wurld az crowing espeshily if it iz well did.But i want it well understood that i am the last man on reckord who would refuse a woman a chance tew whissell if she waz certain she had the right pucker for it.I never knu a good whissler but what had a good constitushun. Whissling iz compozed ov pucker and wind, and these two accomplishments denote vigor.Sum people alwus whissell whare thare iz danger—this they do to keep the fraid out ov them. When i waz a boy i alwus konsidered whissling the next best thing to a kandle to go down cellar with in the nite time.The best whisslers i hav ever heard hav bin amung the negroes (i make this remark with the highest respekt to the accomplishments ov the whites), i hav herd a south karoliny darkey whissell so natral that a mocking-bird would drop a worm out ov hiz bill and talk back to the nigger.I dont want enny better evidence ov the general honesty thare iz in a whissell than the fackt that thare aint nothing which a dog will answer quicker than the wissell ov hiz master, and dogs are az good judges ov honesty az enny kritters that live.It iz hard work to phool a dog once, and it iz next to impossible to phool him the sekond time.I aint afraid to trust enny man for a small amount who iz a good whissler.I wouldn’t want to sell him a farm on credit, for i should expekt to hav to take the farm back after awhile and remove the mortgage miself.Yu cant whissell a mortgage oph from a farm.A fust rate whissler iz like a middling sized fiddler, good for nothing else, and tho whissling may keep a man from gitting lonesum, it wont keep him from gitting ragged.72I never knu a bee hunter but what waz a good whissler, and i dont kno ov enny bizzness on the breast ov the earth that will make a man so lazy and useless, without acktually killing him, az hunting bees in the wilderness.Hunting bees and writing seckond rate verses are evidences ov sum genius, but either of them will unfit a man for doing a good square day’s work.HOTELS.Hotelsare houses ov refuge, homes for the vagrants, the married man’s retreat, and the bachelor’s fireside.They are kept in all sorts ov ways, sum on the European plan, and menny ov them on no plan at all.A good landlord iz like a good stepmother, he knows hiz bizzness and means to do hiz duty.He knows how to rub hiz hands with joy when the traveler draws nigh, he knows how to smile, he knew yure wife’s father when he waz living, and yure wife’s fust husband, but he don’t speak about him.He kan tell whether it will rain to-morrow or not, he hears yure komplaints with a tear in hiz eye, he blows up the servants at yure suggestion, and stands around reddy, with a shirt collar az stiff az broken china.A man may be a good supream court judge and at the same time be a miserable landlord.Most evrybody thinks they kan keep a hotel (and they kan), but this ackounts for the grate number ov hotels that are kept on the same principle that a justiss ov the peace offiss iz kept in the country during a six-days’ jury trial for killing sumboddy’s yello dorg.A hotel wont keep itself and keep the landlord too, and ever kure a traveler from the habit ov profane swareing.I hav had this experiment tried on me several times, and it alwus makes the swares, wuss.73It iz too often the kase that landlords go into the bizzness ov hash az ministers go into the professhun, with the very best ov motives, but the poorest kind ov prospecks.I dont know ov enny bizzness more flattersum than the tavern bizzness, there dont seem to be ennything to do but to stand in front ov the register with a pen behind the ear and see that the guests enter themselfs az soon az they enter the house, then yank a bell-rope six or seven times, and then tell John to sho the gentleman to 976, and then take four dollars and fifty cents next morning from the poor devil ov a traveler and let him went.This seems to be the whole thing (and it iz the whole thing) in most cases.Yu will diskover the following deskripshun a mild one, ov about 9 hotels out ov 10 between the Atlantik and Pacifick Oshuns akrost the United States in a straight line:Yure room iz 13 foot 6 inches, by 9 foot 7 inches, parallelogramly.It being court week (az usual), all the good rooms are employed bi the lawyers and judges.Yure room iz on the uttermost floor.The carpet iz ingrain—ingrained with the dust, kerosene ile, and ink-spots ov four generashuns.Thare iz two pegs in the room tew hitch coats onto, one ov them broke oph, and the other pulled out, and missing.The buro haz three legs, and one brick.The glass to the buro swings on two pivots, which hav lost their grip.Thare iz one towel on the rack, thin, but wet. The rain water in the pitcher cum out ov the well.The soap iz az tuff tew wear az a whetstone.The soap iz scented with cinnamon ile, and variagated with spots.Thare iz three chairs, kane setters, one iz a rocker, and all three are busted.Thare iz a match-box, empty.74Thare iz no kurtin to the windo, and thare don’t want to be any, yu kant see out, and who kan see in?The bel rope iz cum oph about 6 inches this side ov the ceiling.The bed iz a modern slat bottom, with two mattrasses, one cotton, and one husk, and both harder, and about az thick az a sea biskitt.Yu enter the bed sideways and kan feel evry slat at once az eazy az yu could the ribs ov a grid iron.The bed iz inhabited.Yu sleep sum, but rool over a good deal.For breakfast you have a gong, and rhy coffee too kold to melt butter, fride potatoze which resemble the chips a two inch auger makes in its journey through an oak log.Bread solid, beef stake about az thik az a blister plaster, and so tuff az a hound’s ear.Table covered with plates, a few scared to death pickles on one ov them, and 6 fly endorsed crackers on another.A pewterinktom caster with three bottles in it, one without enny pepper in it, one without enny mustard, and one with two inches ov drowned flies, and vinegar in it.Servant gall, with hoops on, hangs around you earnestly, and wants to know if yu will take another cup ov coffee.Yu say “No mom, i thank yu,” and push back yure chair.Yu haven’t eat enuff tew pay for picking yure teeth.I am about az selfconsaited az it will do for a man to be and not crack open, but i never yet consaited that i could keep a hotel, i had rather be a hiwayman than to be sum landlords i have visited with.Thare are hotels that are a joy upon earth, where a man pays hiz bill az cheerfully az he did the parson who married him, whare yu kant find the landlord unless yu hunt in the kitchen, whare servants glide around like angels ov mercy, whare the beds fit a man’s back like the feathers on a goose, and whare the vittles taste just az tho yure wife, or yure mother had fried them.75Theze kind ov hotels ought tew be bilt on wheels and travel around the country; they are az phull ov real cumfort az a thanksgiving pudding, but alass! yes, alass! they are az unplenty az double-yelked eggs.LAFFING.Anatomikallykonsidered, laffing iz the sensashun ov pheeling good all over, and showing it principally in one spot.Morally konsidered, it iz the next best thing tew the 10 commandments.Philosophikally konsidered, it beats Herrick’s pills 3 pills in the game.Theoretikally konsidered, it kan out-argy all the logik in existence.Analitikally konsidered, enny part ov it iz equal tew the whole.Konstitushionally konsidered, it iz vittles and sumthing tew drink.Multifariously konsidered, it iz just az different from ennything else az it is from itself.Phumatically konsidered, it haz a good deal ov essence and sum boddy.Pyroteknikally konsidered, it is the fire-works of the soul.Syllogestikally konsidered, the konklushuns allwus follows the premises.Spontaneously konsidered, it iz az natral and refreshing az a spring bi the road-side.Phosphorescently konsidered, it lights up like a globe lantern.Exsudashiously konsidered, it haz all the dissolving propertys ov a hot whiskee puntch.But this iz too big talk for me; theze flatulent words waz put into the dikshionary for those giants in knolledge tew76use who hav tew load a kannon klean up tew the muzzell with powder and ball when they go out tew hunt pissmires.But i don’t intend this essa for laffing in the lump, but for laffing on the half-shell.Laffingiz just az natral tew cum tew the surface as a rat iz tew cum out ov hiz hole when he wants tew.Yu kant keep it back by swallowing enny more than yu kan the heekups.If a mankan’tlaff there iz sum mistake made in putting him together, and if hewon’tlaff he wants az mutch keeping away from az a bear-trap when it iz sot.I have seen people who laffed altogether too mutch for their own good or for ennyboddy else’s; they laft like a barrell ov nu sider with the tap pulled out, a perfekt stream.This is a grate waste ov natral juice.I have seen other people who didn’t laff enuff tew giv themselfs vent; they waz like a barrell ov nu sider too, that waz bunged up tite, apt tew start a hoop and leak all away on the sly.Thare ain’t neither ov theze 2 ways right, and they never ought tew be pattented.Sum pholks hav got what iz kalled a hoss-laff, about haffway between a growl and a bellow, just az a hoss duz when he feels hiz oats, and don’t exackly kno what ails him.Theze pholks don’t enjoy a laff enny more than the man duz hiz vettles who swallows hiz pertatoze whole.A laff tew be nourishsome wants tew be well chewed.Thare iz another kind ov a laff which i never did enjoy, one loud busst, and then everything iz az still az a lager beer barrell after it haz blowed up and slung 2 or 3 gallons ov beer around loose.Thare iz another laff whitch I hav annalized; it cums out ov the mouth with a noize like a pig makes when he iz in a tite spot, one sharp squeal and two snikkers, and then dies in a simper.This kind ov a laff iz larnt at femail boarding-skools, and77dont mean ennything; it iz nothing more than the skin ov a laff.Genuine laffing iz the vent ov the soul, the nostrils ov the heart, and iz jist az necessary for helth and happiness as spring water iz for a trout.Thare iz one kind ov a laff that i always did reckommend; it looks out ov the eye fust with a merry twinkle, then it kreeps down on its hands and kneze and plays around the mouth like a pretty moth around the blaze ov a kandle, then it steals over into the dimples ov the cheeks and rides around in thoze little whirlpools for a while, then it lites up the whole face like the mello bloom on a damask roze, then it swims oph on the air, with a peal az klear and az happy az a dinner-bell, then it goes bak agin on golden tiptoze like an angel out for an airing, and laze down on its little bed ov violets in the heart whare it cum from.Thare iz another laff that noboddy kan withstand; it iz just az honest and noizy az a distrikt skool let out tew play, it shakes a man up from hiz toze tew hiz temples, it dubbles and twists him like a whiskee phit, it lifts him up oph from hiz cheer, like feathers, and lets him bak agin like melted led, it goes all thru him like a pikpocket, and finally leaves him az weak and az krazy az tho he had bin soaking all day in a Rushing bath and forgot tew be took out.This kind ov a laff belongs tew jolly good phellows who are az helthy az quakers, and who are az eazy tew pleaze az a gall who iz going tew be married to-morrow.In konclushion i say laff every good chance yu kan git, but don’t laff unless yu feal like it, for there ain’t nothing in this world more harty than a good honest laff, nor nothing more hollow than a hartless one.When yu do laff open yure mouth wide enuff for the noize tew git out without squealing, thro yure hed bak az tho yu waz going tew be shaved, hold on tew yure false hair with both hands and then laff till yure soul gets thoroly rested.But i shall tell yu more about theze things at sum fewter time.78HOSS SENSE.Thereis nothing that haz bin diskovered yet, that iz so skarse as good Hoss sense, about 28 hoss power.ORATION.I don’t mean race hoss, nor trotting hoss sense, that kan run a mile in 1:28 and then brake down; nor trot in 2:13, and good for nothing afterwards, only to brag on; but I mean the all-day hoss sense, that iz good for 8 miles an hour, from rooster crowing in the morning, until the cows cum home at night, klean tew the end ov the road.I hav seen fast sense, that was like sum hoses, who could git so far in one day that it would take them two days tew git back, on a litter. I don’t mean this kind nuther.Good hard-pan sense iz the thing that will wash well, wear well, iron out without wrinkling, and take starch without kracking.Menny people are hunting after uncommon sense, but they never find it a good deal; uncommon sense iz ov the nature of genius, and all genius iz the gift of God, and kant be had, like hens eggs, for the hunting.Good, old-fashioned common sense iz one ov the hardest things in the world to out-wit, out-argy, or beat in enny way, it iz az honest az a loaf ov good domestik bread, alwus in tune, either hot from the oven or 8 days old.79Common sense kan be improved upon by edukashun—genius kan be too, sum, but not much.Edukashun gauls genius like a bad setting harness.Common sense iz like biled vittles, it is good right from the pot, and it is good nex day warmed up.If every man waz a genius, mankind would be az bad oph az the heavens would be, with every star a comet, things would git hurt badly, and noboddy tew blame.Common sense iz instinkt, and instinkt don’t make enny blunders mutch, no more than a rat duz, in coming out, or going intew a hole, he hits the hole the fust time, and just fills it.Genius iz always in advance ov the times, and makes sum magnificent hits, but the world owes most ov its tributes to good hoss sense.SILENCE.Silenceis a still noise.One ov the hardest things for a man to do, iz tew keep still.Everyboddy wants tew be heard fust, and this iz jist what fills the world with nonsense.Everyboddy wants tew talk, few want to think, and noboddy wants tew listen.The greatest talkers amung the feathered folks, are the magpie and ginny hen, and neither ov them are ov mutch account.If a man ain’t sure he iz right the best kard he kan play iz a blank one.I have known menny a man tew beat in an argument by just nodding his hed once in a while and simply say, “jess so, jess so.”It takes a grate menny blows tew drive in a nail, but one will clinch it.Sum men talk just az a French pony trots, all day long, in a haff bushel meazzure.80Silence never makes enny blunders, and alwus gits az mutch credit az iz due it, and oftimes more.When i see a man listening to me cluss i alwus say to mi self, “look out, Josh, that fellow iz taking your meazzure.”I hav herd men argy a pint two hours and a haff and not git enny further from whare they started than a mule in a bark mill, they did a good deal ov going round and round.I hav sot on jurys and had a lawyer talk the law, fakts and evidence ov the kase all out ov me, besides starting the taps on mi boots.I hav bin tew church hungry for sum gospel, and cum hum so phull ov it that i couldn’t draw a long breth without starting a button.Brevity and silence are the two grate kards, and next to saying nothing, saying a little, iz the strength ov the game.One thing iz certain, it iz only the grate thinkers who kan afford tew be brief, and thare haz bin but phew volumes yet published which could not be cut down two-thirds, and menny ov them could be cut klean back tew the title page without hurting them.Iz hard tew find a man ov good sense who kan look back upon enny occason and wish he had sed sum more, but it iz eazy tew find menny who wish they had said less.A thing sed iz hard tew recall, but unsed it kan be spoken any time.Brevity iz the child of silence, and iz a great credit tew the old man.BRAVERY.Truebravery iz very eazy tew detekt, for it iz az mutch a part and parcel of a man’s every day life az hiz clothes iz.Everything that a truly brave man duz iz did from principle not impulse, and when no one sees him he iz just az heroik az he would be if he waz in the eyes of the multitude.81Thare iz a grate deal ov bravery that iz simply ornamental, and if it wan’t for its spurs and cockade wouldn’t amount tew mutch.It iz not bravery to face what we kan’t dodge, but it iz true courage tew face all things that are honest and dodge nothing.True bravery exists amung the lowly just az mutch az amung the grate, and a man really haz no more right tew expekt praise for his courage than he haz for hiz virtue.It often requires more bravery tew tell the simple truth than it duz tew win a battle.He who fills to the brim the stashun in life, which nature or fortune haz given him, iz a hero; i don’t kare whether he iz a peasant on the hillside, or chieftian in the tented field.The most sublime courage I hav ever witnessed, hav been among that klass who waz too poor to know that they possessed it, and too humble for the world ever to diskover it.When I want to see a hero, or commune with one, i don’t go tew the pages ov history; i kan find them in among the bipaths ov every day life, i hav known them tew liv out their lives and die without enny reckord here; but hereafter, when the grate sorting takes place, they will be found among the jewels.DISPATCH.Dispatchiz the gift, or art ov doing a thing right quick. To do a thing right, and to do it quick iz an attribute ov genius.Hurry iz often mistaken for dispatch; but thare iz just az much difference az thare iz between a hornet and a pissmire when they are both ov them on duty.A hornet never takes any steps backwards, but a pissmire alwus travels just as tho he had forgot sumthing.Hurry works from morning until night, but works on a tred-wheel.82Dispatch never undertakes a job without fust marking out the course to take, and then follows it, right or wrong, while hurry travels like a blind hoss, stepping hi and often, and spends most ov her time in running into things, and the ballance in backing out agin.Dispatch iz alwus the mark ov grate abilitys, while hurry iz the evidence ov a phew branes, and they, flying around so fast in the hed, they keep their owner alwus dizzy.Hurry iz a good phellow tew phite bumble bees, whare, if yu hav ever so good a plan, yu kant make it work well.Dispatch haz dun all the grate things that hav been did in this world, while hurry haz been at work at the small ones, and haint got thru yet.HOW TO PIK OUT A WIFE.Finda girl that iz 19 years old last May, about the right hight, with a blue eye, and dark-brown hair and white teeth.Let the girl be good to look at, not too phond of musik, a firm disbeleaver in ghosts, and one ov six children in the same family.Look well tew the karakter ov her father; see that he is not the member ov enny klub, don’t bet on elekshuns, and gits shaved at least 3 times a week.Find out all about her mother, see if she haz got a heap ov good common sense, studdy well her likes and dislikes, eat sum ov her hum-made bread and apple dumplins, notiss whether she abuzes all ov her nabors, and don’t fail tew observe whether her dresses are last year’s ones fixt over.If you are satisfied that the mother would make the right kind ov a mother-in-law, yu kan safely konklude that the dauter would make the right kind of a wife.After theze prelimenarys are all settled, and yu have done a reazonable amount ov sparking, ask the yung lady for her83heart and hand, and if she refuses, yu kan konsider yourself euchered.If on the contrary, she should say yes, git married at once, without any fuss and feathers, and proceed to take the chances.
IN A HORN.
IN A HORN.
Sumtimes theze rings fill up the whole horn and grow off onto the adjoining fences in the pasture lot, but this only happens tew very old cows.
I never knu it tew happen in mi life, and I dont think it ever did, it iz one ov them venerable lies that are handed down from father to son, just tew keep the stock ov lies from running out.
When I waz a boy and had just begun tew chew tobacco, i waz told that butter cum from the cow’s horn—I hav since found out that this iz another cussed old lie. This lieing tew children iz no evidence ov genius, and iz sowing the seeds ov decepshun in a soil too apt bi nature tew covet what aint undoubtedly so.
“Dinner-Horn.”—This is the oldest, and most sakred horn thare iz. It iz set tew musik, and plays “Home, Sweet Home” about noon. It has bin listened tew, with more rapturous delite, than ever Graffula’s band haz. Yu kan hear it further than yu kan one ov Mr. Rodman’s guns. It61will arrest a man and bring him in quicker than a sheriff’s warrent. It kan outfoot enny other noize. It kauzes the deaf tew hear, and the dum tew shout for joy. Glorious old instrument! long may yure lungs last!
“Ram’s Horn.”—A spiral root, that emerges suddenly from the figure hed ov the maskuline sheep, and ramafies untill it reaches a tip end. Ram’s horns are alwus a sure sighn ov battle. They are used tew butt with,but without enny respekt to persons. They will attak a stun wall, or a deakon or an established church. A story iz told ov old deakon Fletcher ov Konnektikutt State, who waz digging post holes in a ram pasture on hiz farm, and the moshun ov hiz boddy waz looked upon, by the old ram, who fed in the lot, az a banter for a fight.
Without arrangeing enny terms for the fight, the ram went incontinently for the deakon, and took him, the fust shot, on the blind side ov hiz boddy, jist about the meridian.
The blow transposed the deakon sum eighteen feet, with a heels-over-hed moshun.
Exhasperated tew a point, at least ten foot beyond endurance, the deakon jumped up, and skreamed his whole voice * * * “yu darned—old cuss,” and then all at once remembering that he waz a good, piuz deakon, he apologized by saying—“that iz, if I may be allowed the expresshun.”
The deakon haz mi entire simpathy for the remarks made tew the ram.
“Whisky Horn.”—This horn varys in length, but from three to six inches iz the favorite size.
It iz different from other horns, being ov a fluid natur.
It iz really more pugnashus than the ram’s horn; six inches ov it will knok a man perfekly calm.
When it knoks a man down it holds him thare.
It iz either the principal or the sekond in most all the iniquity that iz travelling around.
It makes brutes of men, demons of wimmin and vagrants of children.
It haz drawn more tears, broken more hearts and blited62more hopes than all the other agencys of the devil put together.
“Horn Comb.”—This simple little unsophistikated instrument haz beheaded countless legions ov innocent children.
I don’t mean that it haz cut oph their heads, but that it haz cut its way thru the hirsute embossing that adorns their skalps.
It haz two rows of sharp teeth, and always haz a good appetite.
It iz always az ready for a job az a village lawyer, and iz az thorough az a sarch warrent.
It iz an emblem of faith and neatness.
When it gits old and looses its teeth it should be cherished, hung up and labeled, “Well done old mouser.”
I always look upon an old and worn out horn tooth comb with a species ov venerashun, bordering on melankolly. It reminds me ov mi boyhood,andthe boyish things that waz running through mi head in thoze days ov simplicity and innocence.
Thare iz a grate menny other kinds ov horns, but I haint got the time to tell yu all about them now. Thare iz the “Powder Horn,” the “Horn ov the Bull Head,” and the “Horn ov Plenty;” and there iz also “Horn Tooke,” a celebrated writer ov hiz day; but good-by for the present.
Ihavwritten essays on kissing before this one, and they didn’t satisfy me, nor dew I think this one will, for the more a man undertakes tew tell about a kiss, the more he will reduce his ignorance tew a science.
Yu kant analize a kiss enny more than yu kan the breath ov a flower. Yu kant tell what makes a kiss taste so good enny more than yu kan a peach.
Enny man who kan set down, whare it is cool, and tell how63a kiss tastes, haint got enny more real flavor tew his mouth than a knot hole haz. Such a phellow wouldn’t hesitate tew deskribe Paridise as a fust rate place for gardin sass.
The only way tew diskribe a kiss is tew take one, and then set down, awl alone, out ov the draft, and smack yure lips.
If yu kant satisfy yureself how a kiss tastes without taking another one, how on arth kan you define it tew the next man.
I hav heard writers talk about the egstatick bliss thare waz in a kiss, and they really seemed tew think they knew all about it, but these are the same kind ov folks who perspire and kry when they read poetry, and they fall to writing sum ov their own, and think they hav found out how.
I want it understood that I am talking about pure emotional kissing, that is born in the heart, and flies tew the lips, like a humming bird tew her roost.
I am not talking about your lazy, milk and molasses kissing, that daubs the face ov enny body, nor yure savage bite, that goes around, like a roaring lion, in search ov sumthing to eat.
Kissing an unwilling pair ov lips, iz az mean a viktory, az robbin a bird’s nest, and kissing too willing ones iz about az unfragant a recreation, az making boquets out ov dandelions.
The kind ov kissing that I am talking about iz the kind that must do it, or spile.
If yu sarch the rekords ever so lively, yu kant find the author ov the first kiss; kissing, like mutch other good things, iz anonymous.
But thare iz such natur in it, sitch a world ov language without words, sitch a heap ov pathos without fuss, so much honey, and so little water, so cheap, so sudden, and so neat a mode of striking up an acquaintance, that i consider it a good purchase, that Adam giv, and got, the fust kiss.
Who kan imagin a grater lump ov earthly bliss, reduced tew a finer thing, than kissing the only woman on earth, in the garden of Eden.
Adam wan’t the man, i don’t beleave, tew pass sich a hand
I may be wrong in mi konklusions, but if enny boddy kan date kissing further back, i would like tew see them do it.
I don’t know whether the old stoick philosophers ever kist enny boddy or not, if they did, they probably did it, like drawing a theorem on a black board, more for the purpose of proving sumthing else.
I do hate to see this delightful and invigorating beverage adulturated, it iz nektar for the gods, i am often obliged tew stand still, and see kissing did, and not say a word, that haint got enny more novelty, nor meaning in it, than throwing stones tew a mark.
I saw two maiden ladys kiss yesterday on the north side ov Union square, 5 times in less than 10 minnitts; they kist every time they bid each other farewell, and then immediately thought ov sumthing else they hadn’t sed. I couldn’t tell for the life ov me whether the kissing waz the effekt ov what they sed, or what they sed waz the effekt ov the kissing. It waz a which, and tother, scene.
Cross-matched kissing iz undoubtedly the strength ov the game. It iz trew thare iz no stattu regulashun aginst two females kissing each other; but i don’t think thare iz much pardon for it, unless it iz done to keep tools in order; and two men kissing each other iz prima face evidence ov deadbeatery.
Kissing that passes from parent to child, and back agin seems to be az necessary az shinplasters, to do bizzness with; and kissing that hussbands give and take iz simply gathering ripe fruit from ones own plumb tree, that would otherwise drop oph, or be stolen.
Tharefore i am driv tew konklude, tew git out ov the corner that mi remarks hav chased me into, that the ile ov a kiss iz only tew be had once in a phellow’s life, in the original package, and that iz when....
Not tew waste the time ov the reader, i hav thought best not tew finish the abuv sentence, hoping that their aint no person ov a good edukashun, and decent memory, but what kan reckolekt the time which i refer to, without enny ov mi help.
Whati kno about pharmin, iz kussid little.
Mi buzzum friend, Horace Greely, haz rit a book with the abuv name, and altho i haven’t had time tew peerose it yet, i don’t hesitate tew pronounse it bully.
Pharmin, (now daze) iz pretty much all theory, and tharefore it aint astonishing, that a man kan live in New York, and be a good chancery lawyer, and also kno all about pharming.
BLOWING.
BLOWING.
A pharm, (now daze) ov one hundred akers, will produse more bukwheat, and pumkins, run on theory, than it would 60 years ago, run with manure, and hard knoks.
Thare iz nothing like book larning, and the time will evventually cum, when a man, won’t hav tew hav only one ov “Josh Billing’s Farmers’ Allmanax,” to run a farm, or a kamp meeting with.
Even now it aint unkommon, tew see three, or four, hired men, on a farm, with three, or four, spans ov oxen, all standing still, while the boss goes into the library, and reads himself up for the days’ ploughing.
If i was running a pharm, (now daze) i suppoze i would rather hav 36 bushels, ov sum nu breed ov potatoze, raized on theory, than tew hav 84 bushels, got in the mean, benighted, and underhanded way, ov our late lamented grand parents.
Pharmin, after all, iz a good deal like the tavern bizzness, ennyboddy thinks they kan keep a hotel, (now daze,)and they kan, but this iz the way that poor hotels cum tew be so plenty, and this iz likewize what makes pharmin such eazy, and proffitable bizzness.
Just take the theory out ov pharming, and thare aint nothing left, but hard work, and all fired lite krops.
When i see so mutch pholks, rushing into theory pharming, az thare iz, (now daze) and so menny ov them rushing out agin, i think ov that remarkable piece ov skriptur, which remarks, “menny are called, but few are chosen.”
I onst took a pharm, on shares miself, and run her on sum theorys, and the thing figured up this way, i dun all the work, I furnished all the seed, and manure, had the ague 9 months, out of 12, for mi share ov the proffits, and the other phellow, paid the taxes on the pharm, for hiz share.
By mutual konsent, i quit the farm, at the end of the year.
What i kno about pharmin, aint wuth bragging about, and i feel it mi duty to state, for the benefit ov mi kreditors, that if they ever expekt me tew pay 5 cents on a dollar, they musn’t start me in the theoretikal pharmin employ.
If a man really iz anxious tew make munny on a pharm, the less theory he lays in the better, and he must do pretty mutch all the work hisself, and support hiz family on what he kant sell, and go ragged enuff all the time tew hunt bees.
I kno ov menny farmers, who are so afflikted with superstishun, that they wont plant a single bean, only in the last quarter of the moon, and i kno ov others so pregnant with science, that they wont set a gate post, until they hav had the ground analized, bi sum professor ov anatomy, tew see if the earth haz got the right kind of ingredience for post-holes.
This iz what i call running science into the ground.
The fakt ov it iz, that theorys, ov all kind, work well, except in praktiss: they are too often designed tew do the work ov praktiss.
Thare aint no theory in brakeing a mule, only tew go at him, with a klub in yure hand, and sum blood in yure eye, and brake him, just as yu would split a log.
What i kno about pharming, aint wuth mutch enny how, but I undertook teu brake a kicking heifer once.
I read a treatiss on the subjekt, and phollowed the direkshuns cluss, and got knokt endwaze, in about 5 minnits.
I then sot down, and thought the thing over.
I made up mi mind that the phellow who wrote the treatiss waz more in the treatiss bizzness than he waz in the kicking heifer trade.
I cum tew the konklushun that what he knu about milking kiking heifers, he had larnt by leaning over a barn yard fence, and writing the thing up.
I got up from my reflekshuns strengthened, and went for that heifer.
I will draw a veil over the language i used, and the things i did, but i went in to win,and won.
That heifer never bekum a cow.
This iz one way tew brake a kicking heifer, and after a man haz studdyed all the books in kreashun on the subjek, and tried them on, he will fall back onto mi plan, and make up hiz mind, az i did, that a kicking heifer iz wuth more for beef than she iz for theoretick milk.
I hav worked on a pharm just long enuff tew kno that thare iz no prayers so good for poor land az manure, and no theory kan beat twelve hours each day, (sundaze excepted) of honest labour applied tew the sile.
I am an old phashioned phellow, and hartily hate most nu things, bekauze i hav bin beat bi them so often.
I never knu a pharm that waz worked pretty mutch by theory, but what waz for sale, or to let, in a fu years, and i never knu a pharm that waz worked by manure, and muscle, on the good old ignorant way ov our ansestors, but what waz handed down, from father to son, and alwus waz noted for razing brawny armed boys, and buxom lasses, and fust rate potatoze.
What i kno about pharmin, iz nothing but experiense, and experiense, (now daze,) aint wuth a kuss.
I had rather hav a good looking theory, tew ketch flats with, than the experiense—even ov Methuseler.
Experiense iz a good thing tew lay down and die with, but yu kant do no big bizzness with it, (now daze,) it aint hot enuff.
Giv me a red hot humbug, and i kan make most ov the experiense, in this world ashamed ov itself.
Qu.—Did you ever see an old horce, holler-eyed and bony, limp-legged and pur-blind, kivvered with a gold-plated harniss and waited upon by a spruce postillion, and a liveryed coachman?
Ans.—Yes i hav, and i hav seen old age put on pomposity, hobble in brocade, command reverance, exult with pride and grin with pain, and i hav sed tew myself “poor old hoss.”
Qu.—Did yu ever hear phools, and even wise men say that life waz short, that deth waz certain, that happiness waz skase?
Ans.—I have herd theze remarks quite often, but i never herd a bizzy man find enny fault with the length of life, nor a pure one regret that deth waz a sure thing, nor a vartuous one konplain about the high price of happiness.
Qu.—Did you ever hear an old maid prattle about the falsity ov man, the grate risk thare waz in having one, the bliss thare waz in being boss ov one’s self?
Ans.—It seems tew me that i hav, and i have alwus felt az tho the old virgin waz taking medicine awl the time she was saying it.
Qu.—Iz thare enny vacancy at present for a man in polite sirkles, who didn’t hav a ritch daddy, or who hadn’t bored suckcessfully for ile himself?
Ans.—If we hear ov enny sutch opening we will telegraff yu at once, but jist now, the way things are run, a man with seedy garments on would even git kicked out ov a fust klass meeting house, and be put under 10 thousand dollar bonds69tew keep the peace. Our advice tew a poor, but virtewous individual, would be tew take hiz virtew under hiz arm, keep shady, and let the polite sirkles chew each other.
Qu.—Kan a young man without enny mustash git a situation in Nu York Sitty?
Ans.—Yes, but it would probably be in the station-house. Yung men without enny mustash are looked upon with suspicion, and yu will find, if yu put them under oath, that they either haint got ennything but common sense, or they are too stingy to buy a bottle ov “Bolivards’s oil ov seduktion,” warrented tew fetch hair, or tare oph the lip.
Qu.—Kan yu inform me the best way that haz yet been invented yet to bring up a boy?
Ans.—Giv me 10 dollars and i will tell you. But here is a recipee that i giv away. Bring up your boy in fear ov the rod and a gin mill.
Qu.—Iz thare enny kure for natral laziness, whare it iz a part ov a man’s constitushun and bye laws?
Ans.—Only one kure, that iz, milk a cow on the run, and subsist on the milk.
Qu.—How fast duz sound travel?
Ans.—This depends a good deal upon the natur ov the noize yu are talking about. The sound ov a dinner horn for instance travels a half a mile in a seckond, while an invitashun tew git up in the morning I hav known to be 3 quarters ov an hour going up two pair ov stairs, and then not hav strength enuff left tew be heard.
Ihavspent a grate deal ov sarching, and sum money, tew find out who waz the first whissler, but up tew now i am just az mutch uncivilized on the subjekt az i waz.
I kan tell who played on the first juice harp, and who beat the fust tin pan, and i kno the year the harp ov a thousand70strings waz diskovered in, but when whissling waz an infant, iz az hard for me tew say, az mi prayers in lo dutch.
WHISSLING.
WHISSLING.
Whissling iz a wind instrument, and iz did bi puckring up the mouth, and blowing through the hole.
Thare aint no tune on the whole earth but what kan be played on this instrument, and that selebrated old tune, Yankeedoodle haz bin almost whissled tew deth.
Grate thinkers are not apt tew be good whisslers, in fakt, when a man kant think ov nothing, then he begins tew whissell. We seldom see a raskal who iz a good whissler, thare iz a grate deal ov honor bright, in a sharp, well puckered whissell.
Good whisslers are gitting skarse, 75 years ago they waz plenty, but the desire tew git ritch, or tew hold offiss, haz took the pucker out ov this honest, and cheerful amuzement.
If i had a boy, who couldn’t whissell, i don’t want tew be understood, that i should feel at liberty, tew giv the boy up for lost, but i would mutch rather he would kno how tew whissell fust rate, than to kno how tew play a seckond rate game ov kards.
I wouldn’t force a boy ov mine tew whissell agin his natral inclinashun.
Wimmin az a kind, or in the lump, are poor whizzlers, i don’t kno how i found this out, but i am glad ov it, it iz a good deal like crowing in a hen.
Crowing iz an unladylike thing in a hen tew do.
I hav often heard hens tri tew cro, but i never knu one tew do herself justiss.
A rooster kan krow well, and a hen kan kluk well, and i sa let each one ov them stik tew their trade.
Klucking iz jist az necessary in this wurld az crowing espeshily if it iz well did.
But i want it well understood that i am the last man on reckord who would refuse a woman a chance tew whissell if she waz certain she had the right pucker for it.
I never knu a good whissler but what had a good constitushun. Whissling iz compozed ov pucker and wind, and these two accomplishments denote vigor.
Sum people alwus whissell whare thare iz danger—this they do to keep the fraid out ov them. When i waz a boy i alwus konsidered whissling the next best thing to a kandle to go down cellar with in the nite time.
The best whisslers i hav ever heard hav bin amung the negroes (i make this remark with the highest respekt to the accomplishments ov the whites), i hav herd a south karoliny darkey whissell so natral that a mocking-bird would drop a worm out ov hiz bill and talk back to the nigger.
I dont want enny better evidence ov the general honesty thare iz in a whissell than the fackt that thare aint nothing which a dog will answer quicker than the wissell ov hiz master, and dogs are az good judges ov honesty az enny kritters that live.
It iz hard work to phool a dog once, and it iz next to impossible to phool him the sekond time.
I aint afraid to trust enny man for a small amount who iz a good whissler.
I wouldn’t want to sell him a farm on credit, for i should expekt to hav to take the farm back after awhile and remove the mortgage miself.
Yu cant whissell a mortgage oph from a farm.
A fust rate whissler iz like a middling sized fiddler, good for nothing else, and tho whissling may keep a man from gitting lonesum, it wont keep him from gitting ragged.
I never knu a bee hunter but what waz a good whissler, and i dont kno ov enny bizzness on the breast ov the earth that will make a man so lazy and useless, without acktually killing him, az hunting bees in the wilderness.
Hunting bees and writing seckond rate verses are evidences ov sum genius, but either of them will unfit a man for doing a good square day’s work.
Hotelsare houses ov refuge, homes for the vagrants, the married man’s retreat, and the bachelor’s fireside.
They are kept in all sorts ov ways, sum on the European plan, and menny ov them on no plan at all.
A good landlord iz like a good stepmother, he knows hiz bizzness and means to do hiz duty.
He knows how to rub hiz hands with joy when the traveler draws nigh, he knows how to smile, he knew yure wife’s father when he waz living, and yure wife’s fust husband, but he don’t speak about him.
He kan tell whether it will rain to-morrow or not, he hears yure komplaints with a tear in hiz eye, he blows up the servants at yure suggestion, and stands around reddy, with a shirt collar az stiff az broken china.
A man may be a good supream court judge and at the same time be a miserable landlord.
Most evrybody thinks they kan keep a hotel (and they kan), but this ackounts for the grate number ov hotels that are kept on the same principle that a justiss ov the peace offiss iz kept in the country during a six-days’ jury trial for killing sumboddy’s yello dorg.
A hotel wont keep itself and keep the landlord too, and ever kure a traveler from the habit ov profane swareing.
I hav had this experiment tried on me several times, and it alwus makes the swares, wuss.
It iz too often the kase that landlords go into the bizzness ov hash az ministers go into the professhun, with the very best ov motives, but the poorest kind ov prospecks.
I dont know ov enny bizzness more flattersum than the tavern bizzness, there dont seem to be ennything to do but to stand in front ov the register with a pen behind the ear and see that the guests enter themselfs az soon az they enter the house, then yank a bell-rope six or seven times, and then tell John to sho the gentleman to 976, and then take four dollars and fifty cents next morning from the poor devil ov a traveler and let him went.
This seems to be the whole thing (and it iz the whole thing) in most cases.
Yu will diskover the following deskripshun a mild one, ov about 9 hotels out ov 10 between the Atlantik and Pacifick Oshuns akrost the United States in a straight line:
Yure room iz 13 foot 6 inches, by 9 foot 7 inches, parallelogramly.
It being court week (az usual), all the good rooms are employed bi the lawyers and judges.
Yure room iz on the uttermost floor.
The carpet iz ingrain—ingrained with the dust, kerosene ile, and ink-spots ov four generashuns.
Thare iz two pegs in the room tew hitch coats onto, one ov them broke oph, and the other pulled out, and missing.
The buro haz three legs, and one brick.
The glass to the buro swings on two pivots, which hav lost their grip.
Thare iz one towel on the rack, thin, but wet. The rain water in the pitcher cum out ov the well.
The soap iz az tuff tew wear az a whetstone.
The soap iz scented with cinnamon ile, and variagated with spots.
Thare iz three chairs, kane setters, one iz a rocker, and all three are busted.
Thare iz a match-box, empty.
Thare iz no kurtin to the windo, and thare don’t want to be any, yu kant see out, and who kan see in?
The bel rope iz cum oph about 6 inches this side ov the ceiling.
The bed iz a modern slat bottom, with two mattrasses, one cotton, and one husk, and both harder, and about az thick az a sea biskitt.
Yu enter the bed sideways and kan feel evry slat at once az eazy az yu could the ribs ov a grid iron.
The bed iz inhabited.
Yu sleep sum, but rool over a good deal.
For breakfast you have a gong, and rhy coffee too kold to melt butter, fride potatoze which resemble the chips a two inch auger makes in its journey through an oak log.
Bread solid, beef stake about az thik az a blister plaster, and so tuff az a hound’s ear.
Table covered with plates, a few scared to death pickles on one ov them, and 6 fly endorsed crackers on another.
A pewterinktom caster with three bottles in it, one without enny pepper in it, one without enny mustard, and one with two inches ov drowned flies, and vinegar in it.
Servant gall, with hoops on, hangs around you earnestly, and wants to know if yu will take another cup ov coffee.
Yu say “No mom, i thank yu,” and push back yure chair.
Yu haven’t eat enuff tew pay for picking yure teeth.
I am about az selfconsaited az it will do for a man to be and not crack open, but i never yet consaited that i could keep a hotel, i had rather be a hiwayman than to be sum landlords i have visited with.
Thare are hotels that are a joy upon earth, where a man pays hiz bill az cheerfully az he did the parson who married him, whare yu kant find the landlord unless yu hunt in the kitchen, whare servants glide around like angels ov mercy, whare the beds fit a man’s back like the feathers on a goose, and whare the vittles taste just az tho yure wife, or yure mother had fried them.
Theze kind ov hotels ought tew be bilt on wheels and travel around the country; they are az phull ov real cumfort az a thanksgiving pudding, but alass! yes, alass! they are az unplenty az double-yelked eggs.
Anatomikallykonsidered, laffing iz the sensashun ov pheeling good all over, and showing it principally in one spot.
Morally konsidered, it iz the next best thing tew the 10 commandments.
Philosophikally konsidered, it beats Herrick’s pills 3 pills in the game.
Theoretikally konsidered, it kan out-argy all the logik in existence.
Analitikally konsidered, enny part ov it iz equal tew the whole.
Konstitushionally konsidered, it iz vittles and sumthing tew drink.
Multifariously konsidered, it iz just az different from ennything else az it is from itself.
Phumatically konsidered, it haz a good deal ov essence and sum boddy.
Pyroteknikally konsidered, it is the fire-works of the soul.
Syllogestikally konsidered, the konklushuns allwus follows the premises.
Spontaneously konsidered, it iz az natral and refreshing az a spring bi the road-side.
Phosphorescently konsidered, it lights up like a globe lantern.
Exsudashiously konsidered, it haz all the dissolving propertys ov a hot whiskee puntch.
But this iz too big talk for me; theze flatulent words waz put into the dikshionary for those giants in knolledge tew76use who hav tew load a kannon klean up tew the muzzell with powder and ball when they go out tew hunt pissmires.
But i don’t intend this essa for laffing in the lump, but for laffing on the half-shell.
Laffingiz just az natral tew cum tew the surface as a rat iz tew cum out ov hiz hole when he wants tew.
Yu kant keep it back by swallowing enny more than yu kan the heekups.
If a mankan’tlaff there iz sum mistake made in putting him together, and if hewon’tlaff he wants az mutch keeping away from az a bear-trap when it iz sot.
I have seen people who laffed altogether too mutch for their own good or for ennyboddy else’s; they laft like a barrell ov nu sider with the tap pulled out, a perfekt stream.
This is a grate waste ov natral juice.
I have seen other people who didn’t laff enuff tew giv themselfs vent; they waz like a barrell ov nu sider too, that waz bunged up tite, apt tew start a hoop and leak all away on the sly.
Thare ain’t neither ov theze 2 ways right, and they never ought tew be pattented.
Sum pholks hav got what iz kalled a hoss-laff, about haffway between a growl and a bellow, just az a hoss duz when he feels hiz oats, and don’t exackly kno what ails him.
Theze pholks don’t enjoy a laff enny more than the man duz hiz vettles who swallows hiz pertatoze whole.
A laff tew be nourishsome wants tew be well chewed.
Thare iz another kind ov a laff which i never did enjoy, one loud busst, and then everything iz az still az a lager beer barrell after it haz blowed up and slung 2 or 3 gallons ov beer around loose.
Thare iz another laff whitch I hav annalized; it cums out ov the mouth with a noize like a pig makes when he iz in a tite spot, one sharp squeal and two snikkers, and then dies in a simper.
This kind ov a laff iz larnt at femail boarding-skools, and77dont mean ennything; it iz nothing more than the skin ov a laff.
Genuine laffing iz the vent ov the soul, the nostrils ov the heart, and iz jist az necessary for helth and happiness as spring water iz for a trout.
Thare iz one kind ov a laff that i always did reckommend; it looks out ov the eye fust with a merry twinkle, then it kreeps down on its hands and kneze and plays around the mouth like a pretty moth around the blaze ov a kandle, then it steals over into the dimples ov the cheeks and rides around in thoze little whirlpools for a while, then it lites up the whole face like the mello bloom on a damask roze, then it swims oph on the air, with a peal az klear and az happy az a dinner-bell, then it goes bak agin on golden tiptoze like an angel out for an airing, and laze down on its little bed ov violets in the heart whare it cum from.
Thare iz another laff that noboddy kan withstand; it iz just az honest and noizy az a distrikt skool let out tew play, it shakes a man up from hiz toze tew hiz temples, it dubbles and twists him like a whiskee phit, it lifts him up oph from hiz cheer, like feathers, and lets him bak agin like melted led, it goes all thru him like a pikpocket, and finally leaves him az weak and az krazy az tho he had bin soaking all day in a Rushing bath and forgot tew be took out.
This kind ov a laff belongs tew jolly good phellows who are az helthy az quakers, and who are az eazy tew pleaze az a gall who iz going tew be married to-morrow.
In konclushion i say laff every good chance yu kan git, but don’t laff unless yu feal like it, for there ain’t nothing in this world more harty than a good honest laff, nor nothing more hollow than a hartless one.
When yu do laff open yure mouth wide enuff for the noize tew git out without squealing, thro yure hed bak az tho yu waz going tew be shaved, hold on tew yure false hair with both hands and then laff till yure soul gets thoroly rested.
But i shall tell yu more about theze things at sum fewter time.
Thereis nothing that haz bin diskovered yet, that iz so skarse as good Hoss sense, about 28 hoss power.
ORATION.
ORATION.
I don’t mean race hoss, nor trotting hoss sense, that kan run a mile in 1:28 and then brake down; nor trot in 2:13, and good for nothing afterwards, only to brag on; but I mean the all-day hoss sense, that iz good for 8 miles an hour, from rooster crowing in the morning, until the cows cum home at night, klean tew the end ov the road.
I hav seen fast sense, that was like sum hoses, who could git so far in one day that it would take them two days tew git back, on a litter. I don’t mean this kind nuther.
Good hard-pan sense iz the thing that will wash well, wear well, iron out without wrinkling, and take starch without kracking.
Menny people are hunting after uncommon sense, but they never find it a good deal; uncommon sense iz ov the nature of genius, and all genius iz the gift of God, and kant be had, like hens eggs, for the hunting.
Good, old-fashioned common sense iz one ov the hardest things in the world to out-wit, out-argy, or beat in enny way, it iz az honest az a loaf ov good domestik bread, alwus in tune, either hot from the oven or 8 days old.
Common sense kan be improved upon by edukashun—genius kan be too, sum, but not much.
Edukashun gauls genius like a bad setting harness.
Common sense iz like biled vittles, it is good right from the pot, and it is good nex day warmed up.
If every man waz a genius, mankind would be az bad oph az the heavens would be, with every star a comet, things would git hurt badly, and noboddy tew blame.
Common sense iz instinkt, and instinkt don’t make enny blunders mutch, no more than a rat duz, in coming out, or going intew a hole, he hits the hole the fust time, and just fills it.
Genius iz always in advance ov the times, and makes sum magnificent hits, but the world owes most ov its tributes to good hoss sense.
Silenceis a still noise.
One ov the hardest things for a man to do, iz tew keep still.
Everyboddy wants tew be heard fust, and this iz jist what fills the world with nonsense.
Everyboddy wants tew talk, few want to think, and noboddy wants tew listen.
The greatest talkers amung the feathered folks, are the magpie and ginny hen, and neither ov them are ov mutch account.
If a man ain’t sure he iz right the best kard he kan play iz a blank one.
I have known menny a man tew beat in an argument by just nodding his hed once in a while and simply say, “jess so, jess so.”
It takes a grate menny blows tew drive in a nail, but one will clinch it.
Sum men talk just az a French pony trots, all day long, in a haff bushel meazzure.
Silence never makes enny blunders, and alwus gits az mutch credit az iz due it, and oftimes more.
When i see a man listening to me cluss i alwus say to mi self, “look out, Josh, that fellow iz taking your meazzure.”
I hav herd men argy a pint two hours and a haff and not git enny further from whare they started than a mule in a bark mill, they did a good deal ov going round and round.
I hav sot on jurys and had a lawyer talk the law, fakts and evidence ov the kase all out ov me, besides starting the taps on mi boots.
I hav bin tew church hungry for sum gospel, and cum hum so phull ov it that i couldn’t draw a long breth without starting a button.
Brevity and silence are the two grate kards, and next to saying nothing, saying a little, iz the strength ov the game.
One thing iz certain, it iz only the grate thinkers who kan afford tew be brief, and thare haz bin but phew volumes yet published which could not be cut down two-thirds, and menny ov them could be cut klean back tew the title page without hurting them.
Iz hard tew find a man ov good sense who kan look back upon enny occason and wish he had sed sum more, but it iz eazy tew find menny who wish they had said less.
A thing sed iz hard tew recall, but unsed it kan be spoken any time.
Brevity iz the child of silence, and iz a great credit tew the old man.
Truebravery iz very eazy tew detekt, for it iz az mutch a part and parcel of a man’s every day life az hiz clothes iz.
Everything that a truly brave man duz iz did from principle not impulse, and when no one sees him he iz just az heroik az he would be if he waz in the eyes of the multitude.
Thare iz a grate deal ov bravery that iz simply ornamental, and if it wan’t for its spurs and cockade wouldn’t amount tew mutch.
It iz not bravery to face what we kan’t dodge, but it iz true courage tew face all things that are honest and dodge nothing.
True bravery exists amung the lowly just az mutch az amung the grate, and a man really haz no more right tew expekt praise for his courage than he haz for hiz virtue.
It often requires more bravery tew tell the simple truth than it duz tew win a battle.
He who fills to the brim the stashun in life, which nature or fortune haz given him, iz a hero; i don’t kare whether he iz a peasant on the hillside, or chieftian in the tented field.
The most sublime courage I hav ever witnessed, hav been among that klass who waz too poor to know that they possessed it, and too humble for the world ever to diskover it.
When I want to see a hero, or commune with one, i don’t go tew the pages ov history; i kan find them in among the bipaths ov every day life, i hav known them tew liv out their lives and die without enny reckord here; but hereafter, when the grate sorting takes place, they will be found among the jewels.
Dispatchiz the gift, or art ov doing a thing right quick. To do a thing right, and to do it quick iz an attribute ov genius.
Hurry iz often mistaken for dispatch; but thare iz just az much difference az thare iz between a hornet and a pissmire when they are both ov them on duty.
A hornet never takes any steps backwards, but a pissmire alwus travels just as tho he had forgot sumthing.
Hurry works from morning until night, but works on a tred-wheel.
Dispatch never undertakes a job without fust marking out the course to take, and then follows it, right or wrong, while hurry travels like a blind hoss, stepping hi and often, and spends most ov her time in running into things, and the ballance in backing out agin.
Dispatch iz alwus the mark ov grate abilitys, while hurry iz the evidence ov a phew branes, and they, flying around so fast in the hed, they keep their owner alwus dizzy.
Hurry iz a good phellow tew phite bumble bees, whare, if yu hav ever so good a plan, yu kant make it work well.
Dispatch haz dun all the grate things that hav been did in this world, while hurry haz been at work at the small ones, and haint got thru yet.
Finda girl that iz 19 years old last May, about the right hight, with a blue eye, and dark-brown hair and white teeth.
Let the girl be good to look at, not too phond of musik, a firm disbeleaver in ghosts, and one ov six children in the same family.
Look well tew the karakter ov her father; see that he is not the member ov enny klub, don’t bet on elekshuns, and gits shaved at least 3 times a week.
Find out all about her mother, see if she haz got a heap ov good common sense, studdy well her likes and dislikes, eat sum ov her hum-made bread and apple dumplins, notiss whether she abuzes all ov her nabors, and don’t fail tew observe whether her dresses are last year’s ones fixt over.
If you are satisfied that the mother would make the right kind ov a mother-in-law, yu kan safely konklude that the dauter would make the right kind of a wife.
After theze prelimenarys are all settled, and yu have done a reazonable amount ov sparking, ask the yung lady for her83heart and hand, and if she refuses, yu kan konsider yourself euchered.
If on the contrary, she should say yes, git married at once, without any fuss and feathers, and proceed to take the chances.