{AFFURISMS.}RAMRODS.Thehigher up we git, the more we are watched—the rooster on the top ov the church-steeple, is ov more importance, altho’ he is tin, than two roosters in a barn-yard.If men are honest they will tell yu that their suckcess in life iz more ov a wonder tew them, than it iz to you.Take all the pride out ov this world, and mankind would be like a bob-tailed pekok, anxious to hide under sumbody’s barn.I think the heft ov people take az mutch comfort in bragging ov their misfortunes, az they do ov their good luk.Call a man a thief, and yu license him tew steal.A sekret ceases tew be a sekret if it iz once confided—it iz like a dollar bill, once broken, it iz never a dollar agin.All fights, tew produce enny moral advantage, should endinviktory tew one side, or the other. Yu will alwus see dorgs renew a drawn battle, every time they meet.Thare iz a grate difference between holding a hi offiss, or having a hi offis hold us.If a man iz full ov himself, don’t tap him, but rather plugg him up, and let him choke tew deth or bust.Laws are not made out ov justiss, they are made out ov necessity.The man who kant find enny virtew in the human heart haz probably given us a faithful sinopsiss ov his own.I don’t think that Fortune haz got enny favourites, she207was born blind, and i notis them who win the oftenest, go it blind, too.It iz a safer thing enny time, to follow a man’s advice, than hiz example.RAMRODS.The heart is wife ov the head, and we, (who hav tried it), all kno how purswasiv the wife iz—espeshily when she wants sumthing.I konsider a weak man more dangerous than a malishus one, malishus men hav sum karacter, but weak ones don’t have enny.I hav notissed one thing, that the most virtewous and diskreet folks we hav amungst us, are thoze who hav either no pashuns all, or verry tame ones—it iz a grate deal eazier tew be a good dove, than a decent sarpent.The man who takes a dollar iz a thief, but if he steals a millyun he iz a genius.Virtew haz no pride in it, nor sin enny humility.Owls are grave, not on account ov their wisdom, but on account ov their gravity.He who duz a good thing sekretly, steals a march on heaven.Hunting after health, iz like hunting after fleas, the more yu hunt them, the more the flea.Take the sellfishness out ov this world, and thare would be more happeness than we should kno what to do with.When a man gits so reduced that he kant help ennyboddy208else, then we vote him a pension for the rest ov his days, by calling him a “poor devil.”Thare seems to be affektashun in every thing, even sin has its impostors.It is a fakt (known to us doktors) that yu kan ketch the little pox ov a man before it brakes out on him eazier than yu kan after it haz broke out. Tis thus with wickedness; the openly so are less dangerous than thoze who hav it under the skin.When we are more anxus tew pleaze than tew be pleazed, then we are in love in good arnest.If a man iz happy, he kan afford to be poor and neglekted.Thare iz nothing we brag ov more than our honesty, and we all ov us kno that our honesty iz az mutch the effekt ov interest az principle.It don’t show good judgment to be surprized at ennything in this world, for thare is nothing more certain than uncertainty.Every human physikal lump on the face ov this earth iz susceptible tew flattery; sum yu kan daub it on with a white-wash brush, while others must hav it sprinkled on them, like the dew from flowers.Every man haz a perfekt right tew hiz opinyun, provided it agrees with ours.Thare iz no sich thing az being proud before man and humble before God.Our continual desire for praise ought tew satisfy us ov our mortality, if nothing else will.Confession iz not the whole ov repentance, but it iz the butt end ov it.If virtu did not so often manage tew make herself repulsive, vice would not be half so attraktive.Cunning iz not an evidence ov wisdom, but iz prima facie evidence ov the want of it. If we were wize enuff tew ketch a fox bi argument, we shouldn’t hav to set a trap for him.Prosperity makes us all honest.Love iz a child ov the heart; and it iz lucky if the head iz the father ov it.209A coquette in love iz az silly az a mouse in a wire-trap; he don’t seem tew kno exackly how he got in, nor exackly how he iz going to get out.Every man thinks hiz nabor happier than he iz, but if he swops places with him he will want tew trade back next morning.Everyboddy’s friend should be noboddy’s confidant.Love iz like the meazles; we kant have it bad but onst, and the latter in life we hav it the tuffer it goes with us.Thare is nothing so easy to larn az experience, and nothing so hard to apply.Thare ain’t but phew men who kan stick a white hankerchef into the brest pocket ov their overcoat without letting a little ov it stick out—just bi acksident.LOBSTIR SALLAD.Aslanderiz like a hornet, if yu kant kill it dead the fust blo, yu better not strike at it.Politeness iz a shrewd way folks haz ov flattering themselfs.I make this distinkshun betweencharakterandreputashun—reputashun iz what the worldthinksov us, charakter iz what the worldknowsov us.What a ridikilus farce it iz to be continually on the hunt for peace and quiet.No man ever yet increased hiz reputashun bi contradikting lies.Anxiety alwus steps on itself.Silence, like darkness, iz generally safe.Thare iz only two things that i kno ov that a man wont brag ov, one iz lieing, and tuther iz jealousy.It takes branes tew make asmartman, but good luck often makes afamousone.Opinyuns are like other vegetables, worth just what they will fetch.210I think most men had rather be charged with malice than with making a blunder.Love cuts up all sorts ov monkey shines, it makes a fool sober, and a wize man frisky.I don’t beleave in total depravity, every man haz sumthing in him to show that God made him.I suppoze that one reazon whi the “road to ruin” iz broad, iz tew accomadate the grate amount ov travel in that direkshun.I think i had rather hear a man brag about himself, than tew hear him brag all the time ov sum one else—for i think i like vanity a leetle better than i do sickofansy.A humbug iz like a bladder, good for nothing till it iz blowed up, and then ain’t good for nothing after it iz pricked.A bigg noze iz sed tew be a sighn ov genius—if a man’s genius lays in hiz noze, i should say the sign waz a good one.Vanity iz seldom malishous.A woman (like an echo), will hav the last word.Put an Englishman into the garden of Eden, and he would find fault with the whole blassted consarn—put a Yankee in, and he would see whare he could alter it to advantage—put an Irishman in, and he would want tew boss the thing—put a Dutchman in, and he would proceed at once to plant it.When a man is squandering hiz estate, even those who are getting it, call him a phool.Men mourn for what they hav lost—wimmin, for what they hain’t got.I judge ov a man’s virtew entirely bi his phashions—it iz a grate deal eazier tew be a good dove, than a decent sarpent.Thare are menny ways to find out how brave and how honest a man may be, but thare aint no way to find out the extent ov hiz vanity.A lie iz like a cat, it never cums to yu in a straight line.Natur iz a kind mother. She couldn’t well afford to make us perfekt, and so she made us blind to our failings.Studdy the heart if yu want to learn human natur; there ain’t no human natur in a man’s head.Friendship iz simply the gallantry of self interest.211Beware ov the man with half-shut eyes—he ain’t dreaming.Experience makes more timid men than it duz wise ones.Advice iz a drug in the market; the supply alwus exceeds the demand.One ov the safest and most successful tallents I kno ov iz to be a good listener.Fools are the whet-stones ov society.Better make a weak man your enemy than your friend.Curiosity iz the instinct ov wisdum.Thoze who becum disgusted, and withdraw from the world, musn’t forgit one thing, that the world will forgit them, a long time before they will forgit the world.Put man down (for me) az a vain and selfish critter, all hiz talk and ackshuns to the contrary, notwithstanding, nevertheless, to wit, verily, amen.Wize men laff every good chance they kan git.Laffingis only a weakness in phools.I giv the world credit for a grate deal more honesty than it can show.Whenever i find a real handsum woman engaged in the “wimmins’ rights bizzness,” then i am going to take mi hat under mi arm and jine the procession.Gratitude iz a debt, and like all other debts is paid bekauze we are obliged to, not bekauze we love to.Praize that ain’t deserved iz no better than slander.There iz three kinds of phools in this world, the natural ones,the common, every day phool, and the daghm phool.MOLLASSIS KANDY.Thareiz a grate deal ov humin natur in a stik of mollassis kandy, I judge this, bekauze mi little grandson iz alwus reddy tew invest hiz only penny in it.I don’t kno az i want tew bet enny money, and giv odds, on the man, who iz alwus anxious tew pray out loud, every chance he kan git.212Praze and abuse, are both good in their place, but if I kan’t hav but one, give me the abuse.MOLLASSIS KANDY.Nine men, out ov every 10, that yu meet in New York City, are in a grate hurry, and are either mad, petulant, or sassy, and the reazon iz they are all ov them in pursuit ov munny, and only one out ov 10 gits it.Next tew the man who iz wuth a millyun, in point ov wealth, iz the man, who don’t kare a kuss for it.A reputashun for happiness needs az mutch watching az a reputashun for honesty.When yu strike ile, stop boring, menny a man has bored klean thru, and let all the ile run out at the bottom.I hav spent a large porshun ov mi life in hopeing, and praying that every boddy mite be suckcessful, and happy, and i intend tew spend a grate deal more time in the same bizzness, but i am satisfied that the philosophy ov the whole thing iz kontained in this passage, “the devil take the hindmost.”Success don’t konsist in never making blunders, but in never making the same one the seckond time.He who trusts tew luck for his happiness, will be lucky when he gits it.While we are poor, the necessarys ov life are the luxurys, after we git ritch, the luxurys are the necessarys.213Thare is no such thing az gitting tew the top ov the ladder in this world, if we reach the utmost round, then we mourn bekauze the ladder aint longer.Death iz an arrow, shot into a crowd, the only reazon whi it hit another, iz bekauze it missed us.When a man duz a good turn, just for the phun ov the thing, he haz got a grate deal more virtew in him, than he iz aware ov.The man who haz got a mote in hiz eye, kan alwus see a big beam in hiz brothers.Az a genral thing, we envy in others, not what we aint got, but what we hav got less than others.The only thing about a man that sin haz not, and kan not pervert, iz hiz conshience.Dissatisfackshun with everything we cum akrost iz the result ov being dissatisfied with ourselfs.Just edzakly in proporshun that a man undertakes tew make a reputashun bi hiz personal appearance, just in that proporshun, he iz a dead beat.Early genius iz like early cabbage, don’t head well.It iz a grate deal more eazier tew drop down 10 feet on a ladder, than it iz tew highst up 5; i found this out more than 7 years ago.Menny a man haz lost a good posishun in this world, bi letting go, tew spit on hiz hands.Go up hill as fast az you pleaze, but go down hill slo.About all that iz left for an old man in this world, iz an obituary notiss.Sedate yung men make imbecile old ones.I think yung coxcombs, end their lives, az old slovens.The man who iz alwus bragging ov hiz wife in publik, duz it more out of pride of himself, than love for her.If a man haz got 80 thousand dollars at interest, and owns the house he livs in, it aint mutch trouble to be a philosopher.The most that experience seems tew do for us, iz tew sho us, what kussid phools every boddy butwe, hav made ov themselfs.214Whiskey, and onions combined, are good for a bad breth.The hardest man in this world tew cheat, iz the man who iz alwus honest with himself.I look upon molassis az one ov our greatest blessings, it haz dun so mutch tew sweeten life.Life ain’t long enuff for enny man tew kno himself.Virtew don’t konsist in the absence ov the pashuns, but in the control ov them;—a man without enny pashuns iz simply az virtewous az a graven image.One ov the best temporary reliefs for vanity, that i kno ov, iz a sharp tutch ov the billyus kolick.Sharpers are like hornets, intimate on a short acquaintance.Don’t forget one thing yung man, thare iz a thousand people in this world who kan hurt yu, to one that kan help yu.Thare iz no accomplishment so eazy tew acquire az politeness, and none more profitable.Thare would be a grate supply ov wit and humor in this world, if we would only giv others the same credit for being witty that we claim for ourselfs.Thare are a grate menny excuses that are wuss than the offence.Be humble, and yu are sure tew be thankful,—be thankful, and yu are sure tew be happy.He who shows us all hiz wickedness, is not a very dangerous man.Thare iz no better evidence ov a weak mind, than tew be alwus in a hurry.Pride, and avarice, iz a most whimsikal mixtur.A man whom yu kan trust with a sekret, yu kan trust with ennything.Common sense is the favorite daughter of Reason, and altho thare are menny other wimmin more attraktive for a time, thare iz nothing but death kan rob common sense ov her buty.Opinions should be formed with grate caushun, and changed with grater.215The only thing that a human being is positively certain ov, iz death.Silence iz one ov the hardest arguments to refute.PUDDIN AND MILK.Loveiz sed tew be blind, but I kno lots ov phellows in love who kan see twice az much in their galls az i kan.The miser iz a riddle. What he possesses he haint got, and what he leaves behind him he never had.Good phisick iz like a fiddle, it furnishes the tune, while natur cuts the pigeon wing and cures the patient.Caution, tho very often wasted, iz a good risk to take.Pity iz about the meanest wash that one man kan offer another, i had rather hav a 10 dollar greenback that had been torn in two twice and pasted together, than tew have all the pity thare iz on the upper side ov the earth—pity iz nothing more than a quiet satisfackshun that i am a great deal better oph than yu am, and that I intend to keep so.Fortune iz like a coquette, if you dont run after her she will run after you.Did you ever hear a very ritch man sing?If i was a going to paint a pikter of Faith, Affection and Honesty, i would paint mi dog looking up in mi face and waggin his tail.The devil iz a mean kuss; he never keeps hiz own promises, but alwus makes us keep ours.Truth iz az artless az a child, and as purswasive.There iz nothing in this life that men pay so hi a price for az they do for repentance.Laws are made, customs grow—laws hav tew be executed, customs execute themselves—laws begin where customs end.Men who hav a good deal tew say, use the fewest words.Punning iz nothing more than mimickry, the best punster now living iz a monkey; he makes a pun on a louse forty times a day bi skratching hiz head.216The road tew wealth iz a highway, but the road tew knowledge iz a byeway.Shame iz the dieing embers of virtew.I don’t know ov a better kure for sorrow than tew pity sum boddy else.Experience iz a grindstun, and it iz lucky for us if we kan git brightened by it, not ground.We shouldn’t forgit one thing, that thare iz not a single fee simple on this futstool; even the best tooth in our hed may fall tew aking before sunset and hav tew be jerked out.Ignorance iz the wet nuss of prejudice.Anticipation iz constantly nibbling expekted pleazure untill it consumes it, jiss so the skool boy, who visits his basket during the forenoon too often, has allreddy diskounted hiz dinner.I never knu a man trubbled with melankolly, who had plenty to dew, and did it.Good breeding, az i understand it, iz giving every man his due, without robbing yourself.Natur iz jist az honest az a cow.Talk little, but listen out loud, yung man, iz the way tew make the company suspekt you—i mean suspekt yu ov knowing a grate deal more than yu aktually do.If yu should reduce the wants ov the people ov Nu York citty tew aktual necessitys and plain comforts, yu would hav tew dubble the perlice force tew keep them from committing suicide.People when they find fault with theirselfs, are generally more anxious tew be consoled than forgiven, and, therefore, when a man begins tew confess hiz sins tew me and sez, “thare ain’t no hope for him,” i tell him he ought tew know awl about it, and i guess iz more than half right.What the world wants iz good examples, not so mutch advice; advice may be wrong, but examples prove themselves.Pride iz bogus. Adam at one time had a right tew be proud but he let sin beat him out of hiz birthright.217A crowing hen and a cackling ruseter are very misfortunate poultry in a family.Az a ginral thing the man who marrys a woman ov more uppercrust than himself will find the woman more anxious tew preserve the distance between them than tew bring him up tew her grade or go down tew hiz level.Titles are valuable; they make us acquainted with menny persons who otherwise would be lost amung the rubbish.Peace iz the soft and holy shadder that virtew casts.Habits are like the wrinkles on a man’s brow, if yu will smoothe out the one i will smoothe out the other.It iz a darned sight eazier tew find six men who kan tell exactly how a thing ought tew be did than tew find one who will do it.Marrying for money iz a meaner way tew git it than counterfiting.Dispatch iz taking time bi the ears. Hurry iz taking it bi the end ov the tail.The miser who heaps up gains tew gloat over iz like a hog in a pen fatted for a show.PLUM PITS.Itiz a grate art to kno how tew listen.This seems to be about the way it iz did: When we are yung, weruninto difikultys, and when we git old, wefallinto them.Love seems tew hav this effekt, it makes a yung man sober, and an old man gay.Love iz a lighted kandel, and coquets fly around it, just az a miller duz, till by-and-by they dive into it, and then what a burnt coquet and miller we hav.It ain’t bekauze lovers are so sensitiff that they quarrel so often, it iz bekauze thare iz so mutch phun in making up.I don’t kno but a Prude may possibly fall in love, but if they ever do, they don’t kno it.218About the last thing a man duz tew korrekt hiz faults iz tew quit them.I should jist az soon expekt tew see a monkey fall in love as to see a dandy.The wimmen ought tew ketch all them phellows who part their hair in the middle, and clap a red flannel pettycoat on them.PULLED OUT A PLUMThe chief end ov woman, now daze, seems tew be to wear new silk clothes, and the chief end ov man seems to be to pay for them.About all that this far famedPhilosophykan teach us, iz tew suffer pain, and not own it, and it seems to hav reached the hight of its ambishun when it courts sorrow, for the sake ov being a martyr.Pure ignoranse, after all, iz the best alloy for vanity, for a vain phool iz quite harmless. It iz better that we be grater than our condishun in life, than tew hav our condishun appear too grate for us.There iz nothing that a man kan do that should cut him off from pitty, the fakt that he iz human should always entitle him to commiserashun.Prudes hoard their virtews, the same az mizers do their money, more for the sake ov recounting them, than for use.If yu seek wisdum, mi yung friend, studdy men, and things, if yu desire larning, studdy dikshionarys.I think opportunitys are made full az often az they happen.219I hav often had grave doubts, which waz ov the most importance, the bustle ov men or the hurry ov pissmires.It iz a grate deal eazier tew look upon thoze who are below us with pitty, than tew look upon thoze who are abuv us, without envy.Good common sense iz az helthy az onions, we often see thoze who are good, simply bekauze they haint got sense enuff tew be bad, and thoze who are bad just bekause they haint got sense enuff tew be good.The man who don’t knohimselfiz a poor judge ov the other phellow.Envy iz sutch a constant companyun, that if we find no one abuv us to envy, we will envy thoze below us.Whoever iz a sedate old man at 20, will be apt tew be a frivilous yung one at 60.Thare iz no servitude in life so oppressive az tew be obliged tew flatter thoze whom we don’t respekt enuff to praze.Wit, without sense, iz like a razor without a handle.We mingle in sosiety, not so mutch tew meet others az to eskape ourselfs.The truly innosent are thoze who not only are guiltless themselfes, but who think others are.To meet death without betraying enny emoshun iz tew be simply az courageous az a beast.Persekuted for rhighteousness sake, iz quite common in this world—persekuted for the devil’s sake iz not so common.Don’t be afrade, yung man, tew make a blunder once in a while most all the blunders are made by the sincere and honest.I must respekt thoze, I suppose, who never make enny blunders, but I don’t luv them.I like them kind of folks, who, if they do once in a while weigh out a pound with only 13 ounces in it, are just az apt tew make the next pound weigh 19 ounces.I luv mi phailings. It iz theze that make me pheel that i have that tutch ov natur in me that makes me brother tew every man living.The greatest blessing that the great and good God can bestow on enny human being iz humility.220Thare iz a grate deal ov poetry in gin; but the poetry and the gin, both ov them, are kussid poor.Thare iz sum excuse for a man being a loafer in the country, whare even natur once in a while takes the liberty to loaf a little; but in a big citty, whare all suckcess depends upon aktivity, a loafer iz a failure, except it be to paste advertisements onto.How natral it iz for a man, when he makes a mistake, to korrekt it by kussing sumboddy else for it.I never diskuss politiks nor sektarianism; i beleave in letting every man fight hiz rooster hiz own way.Pride seems tew be quite equally distributed; the man who owns the carriage and the man who drives it seem tew have it just alike.If we giv up our minds tew little things we never shall be fit for big ones. I knew a man once who could ketch more flies with one swoop ov his hand than enny boddy else could, and he want good at ennything else.Human happiness konsists in having what yu want, and wanting what yu hav.Fortune sumtimes shows us the way, but it iz energy that achieves suckcess.The richest man in the world is the one who dispizes riches the most.Trusting to luckis only another name fortrusting to lazyness.Fortune never takes enny boddy by the hand, but she often allows them to take her by the hand.Avarice and lazyness makes the most digusting kind ov a mixtur.Two thirds ov what is calledloveiz nothing but jealousy.Sekrets are like the meazles—they take eazy and spred eazy.The eazyest thing for our friends to diskover in us, and the hardest thing for us to diskover in ourselfs, iz that we are growing old.We sumtimes hit a thing right the fust blow, but most always a suckcess iz the result ov menny failures.221The heart rules the hed, bekauze the pashuns rule the judgement.Advice iz like kissing—it don’t kost nothing, and iz a pleazant thing to do.One ov the most diffikult, and at the same time one ov the most necessary, things for us old phellows to know, iz that we aint ov so mutch ackount now az we waz.CHIPS.Dontmistake a dounkast eye for modesty, dounkast eyes are often on the lookout sideways.“It is one thing tewtakethe chances, and quite another thing tewfindthem.“It is not the whole ov our duty tew foller the examples ov good men, but tew leave behind us sum decent tracks for others tew foller.“Rumor is a spark at fust, then a fire, then a conflagrashun, and then ashes.“The wust enemy that a man kan hav is flattery, it is wuss than abuse; it is better tew be knocked endways by a foe than tew be blowed up sideways with the quill of a windy friend.“Death is a cessation ov hosstilitys; a flag ov truce; to the righteous a gain, and tew the wicked no loss.“If you are looking after happiness don’t take the turnpike, take one ov the byroads, yu will avoid the tollgates, and find it less crowded and dursty.“Mutch buty iz like the strawberry, soon out ov season, but exquisit while it duz last, and like the strawberry, ain’t perfekt without a good deal ov sugar.“Rules for long life are like gide boards tew a deserted citty.“Hipokrasy is one ov the vices that yu kant konvert, ya might az well undertake tew git the wiggle out ov a snake, or the grease out ov fat pork.222“A witty writer is like a porkupine, hiz quill makes no distinktion between a friend and a foe.“About one-half the discumfert ov this life iz the result ov gitting tired ov ourselfs.“Solitude wud be an excellent place tew go to if a man could leave his baggage (orsin) behind him.“He that marrys a christian woman iz the son-in-law ov Divine Providence.“Menny a young person haz died old by living a long time after they waz dead, and menny an old person haz died long before their time cum by being dead while they waz a living.“Precepts are poor stuff tew bring up young ones on, it iz like sending them down cellar without enny kandle tew larn them tew see in the dark.“Thare iz no sutch thing az acksidents, if one thing happens by acksident awl things may; Heaven haz no beureau ov acksidents.“We should be kerful how we encourage luxurys, it iz but a step forward from hoe-cake to plum-puddin, but it iz a mile and a half, by the nearest road, when we hav tew go back agin.“Smiles and tears cum from the same fountain, and az the showers ov heaven are followed by the sunshine, tew gladden the earth, so duz joy follow sadness, tew make the soul cheerful.“Thare iz just az mutch jelousy, (it iz only less dangerous) among the lowly az among the ritch; the poor devil with a whole loaf under hiz arm, iz the lord of hiz naberhood, and the half loaves look on with envious wonder, while he struts up and down the alley.“We only love them that we fear. This may be only one of my lies, but it looks so tew me from where i stand now.“The best condishun in life iz not to be so ritch az tew be envyed, nor so poor az to be damned.“Iz it charity tew giv tew a thankless cuss in need? certainly; jest az mutch az it would be to save a drouning cow.“Just praize iz the vernakular ov good deeds.223“Whare thare iz grate virtue, thare must hav bin grate vices, or else a very poor sile, that raizes nothing but what haz bin planted, and well tended and manured at that.“Revenge iz jist az natral as milk, yu will see little bits ov boys club the post that they bump their heads aginst.”KOARSE SHOT.Wheneveryu see a doktor who alwus travels on the jump, yu kan bet he is looking for a job.KOARSE SHOT.The bulk ov mankind are mere imitators of very poor originals. It iz a grate deal eazier tew be a philosopher after a man haz had a warm meal than it iz when he don’t kno whare he iz a going tew git one.Most men lament their condishun in life, but thare are but phew, after all, who are superior to it.To never dispair may be God like, but it ain’t human. Affektashun looks well in a monkey.Trieing tew define love iz like trieing tew tell how yu kum tew brake thru the ice, all yu kno about it iz, yu fell in, and gotducked.The prinsipal importanse ov a mistery iz the mistery itself.224What makes a ghost so respektable a karakter iz, that noboddy ever saw one.The pedigree that we receive from our ansestors iz like the money we receive from them, we are not expekted tew liv on the principle, but on the accumulashun, and transmit the principle unimpaired.A weak man wants az mutch watching az a bad one.It iz hard work tew define human happiness, the real possessor ov it iz the very one who kant define it.Wealth iz no guard aginst villany, thare iz az mutch iniquity amung the ritch az amung the poor, ackording tew their numbers.A wize man never enjoys himself so mutch, nor a phool so little, az when alone.Avarice iz az hungry az the grave.Thare iz a grate deal ov virtew in this world that iz like jewellry, more for ornament than use.I am satisfied that courage in men iz more often the effekt ov konstitushun than ov principle.About the best thing that experience kan teach us iz tew bear misfortins, and sorrow, with kompozure.Mans necessitys are phew, but hiz wants are endless.Thare are menny people who not only beleave that this world revolves on its axis, but they beleave that they are the axis.Self-made men are most alwus apt tew be a leetle too proud ov the job.I think thare iz az menny old phools in the world, az thare iz yung ones, and thare iz this difference between them, the yung ones may outgrow their pholly, but the old ones never do.The ambishun of 9 men out of 10, if it should receive no check, would end in their destrukshun.A genuine aphorism, iz truth done up in a small package.A vishus old man iz a terrible sight dispised on earth and hated in heaven.The avarishus man iz like the grave, he takes all that he kan lay hiz hands on, and gives nothing back.225Bashfulness iz either the effek ov ignorance or modesty—if it iz ignorance, edukashun changes it into impertinence—if it iz modesty, it will kling tew a man a long az he haz got one single virtew left.Marrying for buty iz a poor spekulashun, for enny man who sees yure wife, has got just about az mutch stock in her az yu hav.Hopeiz the germ,Faiththe blossom, andCharitythe fruit.Thare iz this difference between a weak friend and a bitter enemy—the one puts us oph our guard, and the other puts us on.Whenever yu kan find a man to whom yu kan tell all yure sekrets, and still retain hiz respekt, yu have found a friend indeed.When a man abuzes me i will pay no more attenshon tew him than i will to a country cur who barks at me; this will make both the dog and the man ashamed ov themselfs.Thare iz this mutch kan be sed in favour ov good-breeding, it iz the only thing that kan make a phool endurable.Thare ain’t mutch phun in phisick, but thare iz a good deal ov phisick in phun.Men will forgit injurys eazier than kontempt; they had rather be hated than not noticed.I hav bin watching human intercourse a little lately, and i find it is largely made up ovgrunts,groansandgrowls, varied withhuffs,hoots, and howls.I like a good hater, but i want him able tew giv good reazons for it.About the emptyest thing i kno ov iz a pocket-book, with nothing in it—it iz rather wuss than a knot-hole.The man who pitys everyboddy, wants watching, for the chances are that he iz gitting phatt slily on other peoples misfortunes.It seems tew me that good breeding iz the art ov making everyboddy satisfied with themselfs, and pleased with you.The man whom forgivness wont humble iz a brute.226SLIPS OF THE PEN.Thewizest thing about a man iz hiz conscience—edukashun don’t improve it.If yu want tew find out the ruling pashun ov a hoss, feed him high on oats—it iz jiss so with mankind.Az a gineral rule, the best way iz tew decide yureself what bizness in life it iz best for yure yung one tew foller, and then stick him at it while he iz limber—men alwus pole vines before they begin tew run mutch.The only way for me to git out ov a tight spot iz tew git into it fust. Sum folks kan tell exackly how a thing feels by not tuching it, but I kant.The more babes in a family, the eazier and better they are raized—one chicken alwus makes an old hen more clucking and scratching than a duzen duz.It takes an uncommon smart man, now-daze, tew make money by telling the truth—it iz aktually an evidense ov genius.It iz a very small spot in the lightning bug’s tail that shines; it iz the darkness ov the nite that makes it so brilliant—it iz jist so with virtew.Nussing revenge iz like missing a yung hedgehog—the older he grows, the sharper hiz quills.The good man iz like an old-fashioned Nu England clock—hiz soul iz the pendulem whose regular moshuns giv life and grace tew hiz hands and face, thus showing the good works that are inside ov him.Most ov the epitaffs on the tombstuns read like gideboards tew the grate citty, and without them a great menny would take the wrong road.Most people travel to see and be seen; but few to compare.Fools are telling us (confidensally) “that time is short,” but the diffikulty lies not in the shortness ov time so mutch az it duz in the length ov the fools.Children are kut down like the yung wheat, to ripen; old people are gathered like the golden grain, to be ground and bolted.227The only way tew truli enjoy ennything iz tew be willing tew quit it when the bell rings.Time iz like a fair wind—if we don’t set our sails, we looze that breeze forever.We are often ridikuled for telling old truths. The 10 commandments are old enuff tew be wore out with truth; but who follers them?Take man, from Adam down to April fool 1868, and i would respekfully ask, if he ain’t a ded beat? Iz thare a single pashun ov hiz natur, up to date, that yu kan take the halter ov civil law off from, and turn it out to grass?Waking up in the morning, to a virtuous man, iz the same thing az being born agin.“Necessity iz the mother ov invenshun,” andPattent Wrightiz the father.It dun me good to hear a poor brute whinner in Broadway yesterday. I waz glad that thare waz one stage hoss in New York citty whoze heart wasn’t dead broke.Death iz the only thing in this life that iz certain; and even that ain’t always a safe investment.Rumor iz a vagrant without a home, and lives upon what it kan pick up.The gratest viktory for mankind that hav ever bin won, hav bin won by the rod and the katechism.The lion and the lamb may, possibly, sumtime lay down in this world together for a fu minnits, but when the lion kums tew git up, the lamb will be missing.Chastity iz like glassware—too much frost in it makes it more brittle.Virtew, backed up by courage, iz the perfekshun ov human natur. I don’t reckon mercy nor pity always amung the virtews; they are often only amable weaknesses. Justis iz the square root ov awl the virtews. I wouldn’t hav enny mercy nor pitty hove out for rubbish; neither would i hav a man think, bekauze he melts at the anguish ov the viscious, that it iz virtew that ails him.Bachelors are alwus a braggin ov their freedom!!—freedom228to darn their own stockings, and poultiss their own shins! I had rather be a widdower once in 2 years, reglar, than tew be a grunting, old, hair-dyed bachelor only for 90 days.The lazyest man that i kan think ov now, waz Israel Dunbar, ov Billingsville. He dried up a new milch cow in milkin her 3 times, and planted an aker of beans, last spring, awl in one hill. He iz 45 years old, and hain’t had the meazles yet; he haz alwus bin too lazy tew ketch them. He had one son, who was jist like him. This boy died when he waz 18 years old, in crossing a korn-field; the punkin-vines took after him and smothered him to death.GLASS DIMONDS.Ifwe could see the sekret motives that prompt even the good ackshuns ov men, we should see more tew reprove than admire.The best specimens ov calm resignashun tew their fate that I hav met with thus far, hav been amung thoze who had an inkum ov 40 thousand dollars a year, less government tax.Diogenes and Seneca were two az grate philosophers az the world haz ever produced; one lived in a tub, and the other in a palace.Most ov the happiness in this world konsists in possessing what others kant git.Take all the phools and the good luk out of this world, and it would bother menny ov us tew git a living.Thare iz a grate menny ghosts travelling around loose, but no one ever saw one yet.Honesty iz like money, yu hav got tew work hard tew git it, and then work harder to keep it.I alwus git my boots made bi the shumaker that other shumakers praze.Philosophy iz born in the head, and dies in the heart.I hav noticed one thing, that just about in proporshun that the pashuns are weak, men are seemingly virtewous.229Here iz just what’s the matter—if yu shut yureself up folks will run after yu, and if yu run after folks they will shut themselfs up.
{AFFURISMS.}
Thehigher up we git, the more we are watched—the rooster on the top ov the church-steeple, is ov more importance, altho’ he is tin, than two roosters in a barn-yard.
If men are honest they will tell yu that their suckcess in life iz more ov a wonder tew them, than it iz to you.
Take all the pride out ov this world, and mankind would be like a bob-tailed pekok, anxious to hide under sumbody’s barn.
I think the heft ov people take az mutch comfort in bragging ov their misfortunes, az they do ov their good luk.
Call a man a thief, and yu license him tew steal.
A sekret ceases tew be a sekret if it iz once confided—it iz like a dollar bill, once broken, it iz never a dollar agin.
All fights, tew produce enny moral advantage, should endinviktory tew one side, or the other. Yu will alwus see dorgs renew a drawn battle, every time they meet.
Thare iz a grate difference between holding a hi offiss, or having a hi offis hold us.
If a man iz full ov himself, don’t tap him, but rather plugg him up, and let him choke tew deth or bust.
Laws are not made out ov justiss, they are made out ov necessity.
The man who kant find enny virtew in the human heart haz probably given us a faithful sinopsiss ov his own.
I don’t think that Fortune haz got enny favourites, she207was born blind, and i notis them who win the oftenest, go it blind, too.
It iz a safer thing enny time, to follow a man’s advice, than hiz example.
RAMRODS.
RAMRODS.
The heart is wife ov the head, and we, (who hav tried it), all kno how purswasiv the wife iz—espeshily when she wants sumthing.
I konsider a weak man more dangerous than a malishus one, malishus men hav sum karacter, but weak ones don’t have enny.
I hav notissed one thing, that the most virtewous and diskreet folks we hav amungst us, are thoze who hav either no pashuns all, or verry tame ones—it iz a grate deal eazier tew be a good dove, than a decent sarpent.
The man who takes a dollar iz a thief, but if he steals a millyun he iz a genius.
Virtew haz no pride in it, nor sin enny humility.
Owls are grave, not on account ov their wisdom, but on account ov their gravity.
He who duz a good thing sekretly, steals a march on heaven.
Hunting after health, iz like hunting after fleas, the more yu hunt them, the more the flea.
Take the sellfishness out ov this world, and thare would be more happeness than we should kno what to do with.
When a man gits so reduced that he kant help ennyboddy208else, then we vote him a pension for the rest ov his days, by calling him a “poor devil.”
Thare seems to be affektashun in every thing, even sin has its impostors.
It is a fakt (known to us doktors) that yu kan ketch the little pox ov a man before it brakes out on him eazier than yu kan after it haz broke out. Tis thus with wickedness; the openly so are less dangerous than thoze who hav it under the skin.
When we are more anxus tew pleaze than tew be pleazed, then we are in love in good arnest.
If a man iz happy, he kan afford to be poor and neglekted.
Thare iz nothing we brag ov more than our honesty, and we all ov us kno that our honesty iz az mutch the effekt ov interest az principle.
It don’t show good judgment to be surprized at ennything in this world, for thare is nothing more certain than uncertainty.
Every human physikal lump on the face ov this earth iz susceptible tew flattery; sum yu kan daub it on with a white-wash brush, while others must hav it sprinkled on them, like the dew from flowers.
Every man haz a perfekt right tew hiz opinyun, provided it agrees with ours.
Thare iz no sich thing az being proud before man and humble before God.
Our continual desire for praise ought tew satisfy us ov our mortality, if nothing else will.
Confession iz not the whole ov repentance, but it iz the butt end ov it.
If virtu did not so often manage tew make herself repulsive, vice would not be half so attraktive.
Cunning iz not an evidence ov wisdom, but iz prima facie evidence ov the want of it. If we were wize enuff tew ketch a fox bi argument, we shouldn’t hav to set a trap for him.
Prosperity makes us all honest.
Love iz a child ov the heart; and it iz lucky if the head iz the father ov it.
A coquette in love iz az silly az a mouse in a wire-trap; he don’t seem tew kno exackly how he got in, nor exackly how he iz going to get out.
Every man thinks hiz nabor happier than he iz, but if he swops places with him he will want tew trade back next morning.
Everyboddy’s friend should be noboddy’s confidant.
Love iz like the meazles; we kant have it bad but onst, and the latter in life we hav it the tuffer it goes with us.
Thare is nothing so easy to larn az experience, and nothing so hard to apply.
Thare ain’t but phew men who kan stick a white hankerchef into the brest pocket ov their overcoat without letting a little ov it stick out—just bi acksident.
Aslanderiz like a hornet, if yu kant kill it dead the fust blo, yu better not strike at it.
Politeness iz a shrewd way folks haz ov flattering themselfs.
I make this distinkshun betweencharakterandreputashun—reputashun iz what the worldthinksov us, charakter iz what the worldknowsov us.
What a ridikilus farce it iz to be continually on the hunt for peace and quiet.
No man ever yet increased hiz reputashun bi contradikting lies.
Anxiety alwus steps on itself.
Silence, like darkness, iz generally safe.
Thare iz only two things that i kno ov that a man wont brag ov, one iz lieing, and tuther iz jealousy.
It takes branes tew make asmartman, but good luck often makes afamousone.
Opinyuns are like other vegetables, worth just what they will fetch.
I think most men had rather be charged with malice than with making a blunder.
Love cuts up all sorts ov monkey shines, it makes a fool sober, and a wize man frisky.
I don’t beleave in total depravity, every man haz sumthing in him to show that God made him.
I suppoze that one reazon whi the “road to ruin” iz broad, iz tew accomadate the grate amount ov travel in that direkshun.
I think i had rather hear a man brag about himself, than tew hear him brag all the time ov sum one else—for i think i like vanity a leetle better than i do sickofansy.
A humbug iz like a bladder, good for nothing till it iz blowed up, and then ain’t good for nothing after it iz pricked.
A bigg noze iz sed tew be a sighn ov genius—if a man’s genius lays in hiz noze, i should say the sign waz a good one.
Vanity iz seldom malishous.
A woman (like an echo), will hav the last word.
Put an Englishman into the garden of Eden, and he would find fault with the whole blassted consarn—put a Yankee in, and he would see whare he could alter it to advantage—put an Irishman in, and he would want tew boss the thing—put a Dutchman in, and he would proceed at once to plant it.
When a man is squandering hiz estate, even those who are getting it, call him a phool.
Men mourn for what they hav lost—wimmin, for what they hain’t got.
I judge ov a man’s virtew entirely bi his phashions—it iz a grate deal eazier tew be a good dove, than a decent sarpent.
Thare are menny ways to find out how brave and how honest a man may be, but thare aint no way to find out the extent ov hiz vanity.
A lie iz like a cat, it never cums to yu in a straight line.
Natur iz a kind mother. She couldn’t well afford to make us perfekt, and so she made us blind to our failings.
Studdy the heart if yu want to learn human natur; there ain’t no human natur in a man’s head.
Friendship iz simply the gallantry of self interest.
Beware ov the man with half-shut eyes—he ain’t dreaming.
Experience makes more timid men than it duz wise ones.
Advice iz a drug in the market; the supply alwus exceeds the demand.
One ov the safest and most successful tallents I kno ov iz to be a good listener.
Fools are the whet-stones ov society.
Better make a weak man your enemy than your friend.
Curiosity iz the instinct ov wisdum.
Thoze who becum disgusted, and withdraw from the world, musn’t forgit one thing, that the world will forgit them, a long time before they will forgit the world.
Put man down (for me) az a vain and selfish critter, all hiz talk and ackshuns to the contrary, notwithstanding, nevertheless, to wit, verily, amen.
Wize men laff every good chance they kan git.Laffingis only a weakness in phools.
I giv the world credit for a grate deal more honesty than it can show.
Whenever i find a real handsum woman engaged in the “wimmins’ rights bizzness,” then i am going to take mi hat under mi arm and jine the procession.
Gratitude iz a debt, and like all other debts is paid bekauze we are obliged to, not bekauze we love to.
Praize that ain’t deserved iz no better than slander.
There iz three kinds of phools in this world, the natural ones,the common, every day phool, and the daghm phool.
Thareiz a grate deal ov humin natur in a stik of mollassis kandy, I judge this, bekauze mi little grandson iz alwus reddy tew invest hiz only penny in it.
I don’t kno az i want tew bet enny money, and giv odds, on the man, who iz alwus anxious tew pray out loud, every chance he kan git.
Praze and abuse, are both good in their place, but if I kan’t hav but one, give me the abuse.
MOLLASSIS KANDY.
MOLLASSIS KANDY.
Nine men, out ov every 10, that yu meet in New York City, are in a grate hurry, and are either mad, petulant, or sassy, and the reazon iz they are all ov them in pursuit ov munny, and only one out ov 10 gits it.
Next tew the man who iz wuth a millyun, in point ov wealth, iz the man, who don’t kare a kuss for it.
A reputashun for happiness needs az mutch watching az a reputashun for honesty.
When yu strike ile, stop boring, menny a man has bored klean thru, and let all the ile run out at the bottom.
I hav spent a large porshun ov mi life in hopeing, and praying that every boddy mite be suckcessful, and happy, and i intend tew spend a grate deal more time in the same bizzness, but i am satisfied that the philosophy ov the whole thing iz kontained in this passage, “the devil take the hindmost.”
Success don’t konsist in never making blunders, but in never making the same one the seckond time.
He who trusts tew luck for his happiness, will be lucky when he gits it.
While we are poor, the necessarys ov life are the luxurys, after we git ritch, the luxurys are the necessarys.
Thare is no such thing az gitting tew the top ov the ladder in this world, if we reach the utmost round, then we mourn bekauze the ladder aint longer.
Death iz an arrow, shot into a crowd, the only reazon whi it hit another, iz bekauze it missed us.
When a man duz a good turn, just for the phun ov the thing, he haz got a grate deal more virtew in him, than he iz aware ov.
The man who haz got a mote in hiz eye, kan alwus see a big beam in hiz brothers.
Az a genral thing, we envy in others, not what we aint got, but what we hav got less than others.
The only thing about a man that sin haz not, and kan not pervert, iz hiz conshience.
Dissatisfackshun with everything we cum akrost iz the result ov being dissatisfied with ourselfs.
Just edzakly in proporshun that a man undertakes tew make a reputashun bi hiz personal appearance, just in that proporshun, he iz a dead beat.
Early genius iz like early cabbage, don’t head well.
It iz a grate deal more eazier tew drop down 10 feet on a ladder, than it iz tew highst up 5; i found this out more than 7 years ago.
Menny a man haz lost a good posishun in this world, bi letting go, tew spit on hiz hands.
Go up hill as fast az you pleaze, but go down hill slo.
About all that iz left for an old man in this world, iz an obituary notiss.
Sedate yung men make imbecile old ones.
I think yung coxcombs, end their lives, az old slovens.
The man who iz alwus bragging ov hiz wife in publik, duz it more out of pride of himself, than love for her.
If a man haz got 80 thousand dollars at interest, and owns the house he livs in, it aint mutch trouble to be a philosopher.
The most that experience seems tew do for us, iz tew sho us, what kussid phools every boddy butwe, hav made ov themselfs.
Whiskey, and onions combined, are good for a bad breth.
The hardest man in this world tew cheat, iz the man who iz alwus honest with himself.
I look upon molassis az one ov our greatest blessings, it haz dun so mutch tew sweeten life.
Life ain’t long enuff for enny man tew kno himself.
Virtew don’t konsist in the absence ov the pashuns, but in the control ov them;—a man without enny pashuns iz simply az virtewous az a graven image.
One ov the best temporary reliefs for vanity, that i kno ov, iz a sharp tutch ov the billyus kolick.
Sharpers are like hornets, intimate on a short acquaintance.
Don’t forget one thing yung man, thare iz a thousand people in this world who kan hurt yu, to one that kan help yu.
Thare iz no accomplishment so eazy tew acquire az politeness, and none more profitable.
Thare would be a grate supply ov wit and humor in this world, if we would only giv others the same credit for being witty that we claim for ourselfs.
Thare are a grate menny excuses that are wuss than the offence.
Be humble, and yu are sure tew be thankful,—be thankful, and yu are sure tew be happy.
He who shows us all hiz wickedness, is not a very dangerous man.
Thare iz no better evidence ov a weak mind, than tew be alwus in a hurry.
Pride, and avarice, iz a most whimsikal mixtur.
A man whom yu kan trust with a sekret, yu kan trust with ennything.
Common sense is the favorite daughter of Reason, and altho thare are menny other wimmin more attraktive for a time, thare iz nothing but death kan rob common sense ov her buty.
Opinions should be formed with grate caushun, and changed with grater.
The only thing that a human being is positively certain ov, iz death.
Silence iz one ov the hardest arguments to refute.
Loveiz sed tew be blind, but I kno lots ov phellows in love who kan see twice az much in their galls az i kan.
The miser iz a riddle. What he possesses he haint got, and what he leaves behind him he never had.
Good phisick iz like a fiddle, it furnishes the tune, while natur cuts the pigeon wing and cures the patient.
Caution, tho very often wasted, iz a good risk to take.
Pity iz about the meanest wash that one man kan offer another, i had rather hav a 10 dollar greenback that had been torn in two twice and pasted together, than tew have all the pity thare iz on the upper side ov the earth—pity iz nothing more than a quiet satisfackshun that i am a great deal better oph than yu am, and that I intend to keep so.
Fortune iz like a coquette, if you dont run after her she will run after you.
Did you ever hear a very ritch man sing?
If i was a going to paint a pikter of Faith, Affection and Honesty, i would paint mi dog looking up in mi face and waggin his tail.
The devil iz a mean kuss; he never keeps hiz own promises, but alwus makes us keep ours.
Truth iz az artless az a child, and as purswasive.
There iz nothing in this life that men pay so hi a price for az they do for repentance.
Laws are made, customs grow—laws hav tew be executed, customs execute themselves—laws begin where customs end.
Men who hav a good deal tew say, use the fewest words.
Punning iz nothing more than mimickry, the best punster now living iz a monkey; he makes a pun on a louse forty times a day bi skratching hiz head.
The road tew wealth iz a highway, but the road tew knowledge iz a byeway.
Shame iz the dieing embers of virtew.
I don’t know ov a better kure for sorrow than tew pity sum boddy else.
Experience iz a grindstun, and it iz lucky for us if we kan git brightened by it, not ground.
We shouldn’t forgit one thing, that thare iz not a single fee simple on this futstool; even the best tooth in our hed may fall tew aking before sunset and hav tew be jerked out.
Ignorance iz the wet nuss of prejudice.
Anticipation iz constantly nibbling expekted pleazure untill it consumes it, jiss so the skool boy, who visits his basket during the forenoon too often, has allreddy diskounted hiz dinner.
I never knu a man trubbled with melankolly, who had plenty to dew, and did it.
Good breeding, az i understand it, iz giving every man his due, without robbing yourself.
Natur iz jist az honest az a cow.
Talk little, but listen out loud, yung man, iz the way tew make the company suspekt you—i mean suspekt yu ov knowing a grate deal more than yu aktually do.
If yu should reduce the wants ov the people ov Nu York citty tew aktual necessitys and plain comforts, yu would hav tew dubble the perlice force tew keep them from committing suicide.
People when they find fault with theirselfs, are generally more anxious tew be consoled than forgiven, and, therefore, when a man begins tew confess hiz sins tew me and sez, “thare ain’t no hope for him,” i tell him he ought tew know awl about it, and i guess iz more than half right.
What the world wants iz good examples, not so mutch advice; advice may be wrong, but examples prove themselves.
Pride iz bogus. Adam at one time had a right tew be proud but he let sin beat him out of hiz birthright.
A crowing hen and a cackling ruseter are very misfortunate poultry in a family.
Az a ginral thing the man who marrys a woman ov more uppercrust than himself will find the woman more anxious tew preserve the distance between them than tew bring him up tew her grade or go down tew hiz level.
Titles are valuable; they make us acquainted with menny persons who otherwise would be lost amung the rubbish.
Peace iz the soft and holy shadder that virtew casts.
Habits are like the wrinkles on a man’s brow, if yu will smoothe out the one i will smoothe out the other.
It iz a darned sight eazier tew find six men who kan tell exactly how a thing ought tew be did than tew find one who will do it.
Marrying for money iz a meaner way tew git it than counterfiting.
Dispatch iz taking time bi the ears. Hurry iz taking it bi the end ov the tail.
The miser who heaps up gains tew gloat over iz like a hog in a pen fatted for a show.
Itiz a grate art to kno how tew listen.
This seems to be about the way it iz did: When we are yung, weruninto difikultys, and when we git old, wefallinto them.
Love seems tew hav this effekt, it makes a yung man sober, and an old man gay.
Love iz a lighted kandel, and coquets fly around it, just az a miller duz, till by-and-by they dive into it, and then what a burnt coquet and miller we hav.
It ain’t bekauze lovers are so sensitiff that they quarrel so often, it iz bekauze thare iz so mutch phun in making up.
I don’t kno but a Prude may possibly fall in love, but if they ever do, they don’t kno it.
About the last thing a man duz tew korrekt hiz faults iz tew quit them.
I should jist az soon expekt tew see a monkey fall in love as to see a dandy.
The wimmen ought tew ketch all them phellows who part their hair in the middle, and clap a red flannel pettycoat on them.
PULLED OUT A PLUM
The chief end ov woman, now daze, seems tew be to wear new silk clothes, and the chief end ov man seems to be to pay for them.
About all that this far famedPhilosophykan teach us, iz tew suffer pain, and not own it, and it seems to hav reached the hight of its ambishun when it courts sorrow, for the sake ov being a martyr.
Pure ignoranse, after all, iz the best alloy for vanity, for a vain phool iz quite harmless. It iz better that we be grater than our condishun in life, than tew hav our condishun appear too grate for us.
There iz nothing that a man kan do that should cut him off from pitty, the fakt that he iz human should always entitle him to commiserashun.
Prudes hoard their virtews, the same az mizers do their money, more for the sake ov recounting them, than for use.
If yu seek wisdum, mi yung friend, studdy men, and things, if yu desire larning, studdy dikshionarys.
I think opportunitys are made full az often az they happen.
I hav often had grave doubts, which waz ov the most importance, the bustle ov men or the hurry ov pissmires.
It iz a grate deal eazier tew look upon thoze who are below us with pitty, than tew look upon thoze who are abuv us, without envy.
Good common sense iz az helthy az onions, we often see thoze who are good, simply bekauze they haint got sense enuff tew be bad, and thoze who are bad just bekause they haint got sense enuff tew be good.
The man who don’t knohimselfiz a poor judge ov the other phellow.
Envy iz sutch a constant companyun, that if we find no one abuv us to envy, we will envy thoze below us.
Whoever iz a sedate old man at 20, will be apt tew be a frivilous yung one at 60.
Thare iz no servitude in life so oppressive az tew be obliged tew flatter thoze whom we don’t respekt enuff to praze.
Wit, without sense, iz like a razor without a handle.
We mingle in sosiety, not so mutch tew meet others az to eskape ourselfs.
The truly innosent are thoze who not only are guiltless themselfes, but who think others are.
To meet death without betraying enny emoshun iz tew be simply az courageous az a beast.
Persekuted for rhighteousness sake, iz quite common in this world—persekuted for the devil’s sake iz not so common.
Don’t be afrade, yung man, tew make a blunder once in a while most all the blunders are made by the sincere and honest.
I must respekt thoze, I suppose, who never make enny blunders, but I don’t luv them.
I like them kind of folks, who, if they do once in a while weigh out a pound with only 13 ounces in it, are just az apt tew make the next pound weigh 19 ounces.
I luv mi phailings. It iz theze that make me pheel that i have that tutch ov natur in me that makes me brother tew every man living.
The greatest blessing that the great and good God can bestow on enny human being iz humility.
Thare iz a grate deal ov poetry in gin; but the poetry and the gin, both ov them, are kussid poor.
Thare iz sum excuse for a man being a loafer in the country, whare even natur once in a while takes the liberty to loaf a little; but in a big citty, whare all suckcess depends upon aktivity, a loafer iz a failure, except it be to paste advertisements onto.
How natral it iz for a man, when he makes a mistake, to korrekt it by kussing sumboddy else for it.
I never diskuss politiks nor sektarianism; i beleave in letting every man fight hiz rooster hiz own way.
Pride seems tew be quite equally distributed; the man who owns the carriage and the man who drives it seem tew have it just alike.
If we giv up our minds tew little things we never shall be fit for big ones. I knew a man once who could ketch more flies with one swoop ov his hand than enny boddy else could, and he want good at ennything else.
Human happiness konsists in having what yu want, and wanting what yu hav.
Fortune sumtimes shows us the way, but it iz energy that achieves suckcess.
The richest man in the world is the one who dispizes riches the most.
Trusting to luckis only another name fortrusting to lazyness.
Fortune never takes enny boddy by the hand, but she often allows them to take her by the hand.
Avarice and lazyness makes the most digusting kind ov a mixtur.
Two thirds ov what is calledloveiz nothing but jealousy.
Sekrets are like the meazles—they take eazy and spred eazy.
The eazyest thing for our friends to diskover in us, and the hardest thing for us to diskover in ourselfs, iz that we are growing old.
We sumtimes hit a thing right the fust blow, but most always a suckcess iz the result ov menny failures.
The heart rules the hed, bekauze the pashuns rule the judgement.
Advice iz like kissing—it don’t kost nothing, and iz a pleazant thing to do.
One ov the most diffikult, and at the same time one ov the most necessary, things for us old phellows to know, iz that we aint ov so mutch ackount now az we waz.
Dontmistake a dounkast eye for modesty, dounkast eyes are often on the lookout sideways.
“It is one thing tewtakethe chances, and quite another thing tewfindthem.
“It is not the whole ov our duty tew foller the examples ov good men, but tew leave behind us sum decent tracks for others tew foller.
“Rumor is a spark at fust, then a fire, then a conflagrashun, and then ashes.
“The wust enemy that a man kan hav is flattery, it is wuss than abuse; it is better tew be knocked endways by a foe than tew be blowed up sideways with the quill of a windy friend.
“Death is a cessation ov hosstilitys; a flag ov truce; to the righteous a gain, and tew the wicked no loss.
“If you are looking after happiness don’t take the turnpike, take one ov the byroads, yu will avoid the tollgates, and find it less crowded and dursty.
“Mutch buty iz like the strawberry, soon out ov season, but exquisit while it duz last, and like the strawberry, ain’t perfekt without a good deal ov sugar.
“Rules for long life are like gide boards tew a deserted citty.
“Hipokrasy is one ov the vices that yu kant konvert, ya might az well undertake tew git the wiggle out ov a snake, or the grease out ov fat pork.
“A witty writer is like a porkupine, hiz quill makes no distinktion between a friend and a foe.
“About one-half the discumfert ov this life iz the result ov gitting tired ov ourselfs.
“Solitude wud be an excellent place tew go to if a man could leave his baggage (orsin) behind him.
“He that marrys a christian woman iz the son-in-law ov Divine Providence.
“Menny a young person haz died old by living a long time after they waz dead, and menny an old person haz died long before their time cum by being dead while they waz a living.
“Precepts are poor stuff tew bring up young ones on, it iz like sending them down cellar without enny kandle tew larn them tew see in the dark.
“Thare iz no sutch thing az acksidents, if one thing happens by acksident awl things may; Heaven haz no beureau ov acksidents.
“We should be kerful how we encourage luxurys, it iz but a step forward from hoe-cake to plum-puddin, but it iz a mile and a half, by the nearest road, when we hav tew go back agin.
“Smiles and tears cum from the same fountain, and az the showers ov heaven are followed by the sunshine, tew gladden the earth, so duz joy follow sadness, tew make the soul cheerful.
“Thare iz just az mutch jelousy, (it iz only less dangerous) among the lowly az among the ritch; the poor devil with a whole loaf under hiz arm, iz the lord of hiz naberhood, and the half loaves look on with envious wonder, while he struts up and down the alley.
“We only love them that we fear. This may be only one of my lies, but it looks so tew me from where i stand now.
“The best condishun in life iz not to be so ritch az tew be envyed, nor so poor az to be damned.
“Iz it charity tew giv tew a thankless cuss in need? certainly; jest az mutch az it would be to save a drouning cow.
“Just praize iz the vernakular ov good deeds.
“Whare thare iz grate virtue, thare must hav bin grate vices, or else a very poor sile, that raizes nothing but what haz bin planted, and well tended and manured at that.
“Revenge iz jist az natral as milk, yu will see little bits ov boys club the post that they bump their heads aginst.”
Wheneveryu see a doktor who alwus travels on the jump, yu kan bet he is looking for a job.
KOARSE SHOT.
KOARSE SHOT.
The bulk ov mankind are mere imitators of very poor originals. It iz a grate deal eazier tew be a philosopher after a man haz had a warm meal than it iz when he don’t kno whare he iz a going tew git one.
Most men lament their condishun in life, but thare are but phew, after all, who are superior to it.
To never dispair may be God like, but it ain’t human. Affektashun looks well in a monkey.
Trieing tew define love iz like trieing tew tell how yu kum tew brake thru the ice, all yu kno about it iz, yu fell in, and gotducked.
The prinsipal importanse ov a mistery iz the mistery itself.
What makes a ghost so respektable a karakter iz, that noboddy ever saw one.
The pedigree that we receive from our ansestors iz like the money we receive from them, we are not expekted tew liv on the principle, but on the accumulashun, and transmit the principle unimpaired.
A weak man wants az mutch watching az a bad one.
It iz hard work tew define human happiness, the real possessor ov it iz the very one who kant define it.
Wealth iz no guard aginst villany, thare iz az mutch iniquity amung the ritch az amung the poor, ackording tew their numbers.
A wize man never enjoys himself so mutch, nor a phool so little, az when alone.
Avarice iz az hungry az the grave.
Thare iz a grate deal ov virtew in this world that iz like jewellry, more for ornament than use.
I am satisfied that courage in men iz more often the effekt ov konstitushun than ov principle.
About the best thing that experience kan teach us iz tew bear misfortins, and sorrow, with kompozure.
Mans necessitys are phew, but hiz wants are endless.
Thare are menny people who not only beleave that this world revolves on its axis, but they beleave that they are the axis.
Self-made men are most alwus apt tew be a leetle too proud ov the job.
I think thare iz az menny old phools in the world, az thare iz yung ones, and thare iz this difference between them, the yung ones may outgrow their pholly, but the old ones never do.
The ambishun of 9 men out of 10, if it should receive no check, would end in their destrukshun.
A genuine aphorism, iz truth done up in a small package.
A vishus old man iz a terrible sight dispised on earth and hated in heaven.
The avarishus man iz like the grave, he takes all that he kan lay hiz hands on, and gives nothing back.
Bashfulness iz either the effek ov ignorance or modesty—if it iz ignorance, edukashun changes it into impertinence—if it iz modesty, it will kling tew a man a long az he haz got one single virtew left.
Marrying for buty iz a poor spekulashun, for enny man who sees yure wife, has got just about az mutch stock in her az yu hav.
Hopeiz the germ,Faiththe blossom, andCharitythe fruit.
Thare iz this difference between a weak friend and a bitter enemy—the one puts us oph our guard, and the other puts us on.
Whenever yu kan find a man to whom yu kan tell all yure sekrets, and still retain hiz respekt, yu have found a friend indeed.
When a man abuzes me i will pay no more attenshon tew him than i will to a country cur who barks at me; this will make both the dog and the man ashamed ov themselfs.
Thare iz this mutch kan be sed in favour ov good-breeding, it iz the only thing that kan make a phool endurable.
Thare ain’t mutch phun in phisick, but thare iz a good deal ov phisick in phun.
Men will forgit injurys eazier than kontempt; they had rather be hated than not noticed.
I hav bin watching human intercourse a little lately, and i find it is largely made up ovgrunts,groansandgrowls, varied withhuffs,hoots, and howls.
I like a good hater, but i want him able tew giv good reazons for it.
About the emptyest thing i kno ov iz a pocket-book, with nothing in it—it iz rather wuss than a knot-hole.
The man who pitys everyboddy, wants watching, for the chances are that he iz gitting phatt slily on other peoples misfortunes.
It seems tew me that good breeding iz the art ov making everyboddy satisfied with themselfs, and pleased with you.
The man whom forgivness wont humble iz a brute.
Thewizest thing about a man iz hiz conscience—edukashun don’t improve it.
If yu want tew find out the ruling pashun ov a hoss, feed him high on oats—it iz jiss so with mankind.
Az a gineral rule, the best way iz tew decide yureself what bizness in life it iz best for yure yung one tew foller, and then stick him at it while he iz limber—men alwus pole vines before they begin tew run mutch.
The only way for me to git out ov a tight spot iz tew git into it fust. Sum folks kan tell exackly how a thing feels by not tuching it, but I kant.
The more babes in a family, the eazier and better they are raized—one chicken alwus makes an old hen more clucking and scratching than a duzen duz.
It takes an uncommon smart man, now-daze, tew make money by telling the truth—it iz aktually an evidense ov genius.
It iz a very small spot in the lightning bug’s tail that shines; it iz the darkness ov the nite that makes it so brilliant—it iz jist so with virtew.
Nussing revenge iz like missing a yung hedgehog—the older he grows, the sharper hiz quills.
The good man iz like an old-fashioned Nu England clock—hiz soul iz the pendulem whose regular moshuns giv life and grace tew hiz hands and face, thus showing the good works that are inside ov him.
Most ov the epitaffs on the tombstuns read like gideboards tew the grate citty, and without them a great menny would take the wrong road.
Most people travel to see and be seen; but few to compare.
Fools are telling us (confidensally) “that time is short,” but the diffikulty lies not in the shortness ov time so mutch az it duz in the length ov the fools.
Children are kut down like the yung wheat, to ripen; old people are gathered like the golden grain, to be ground and bolted.
The only way tew truli enjoy ennything iz tew be willing tew quit it when the bell rings.
Time iz like a fair wind—if we don’t set our sails, we looze that breeze forever.
We are often ridikuled for telling old truths. The 10 commandments are old enuff tew be wore out with truth; but who follers them?
Take man, from Adam down to April fool 1868, and i would respekfully ask, if he ain’t a ded beat? Iz thare a single pashun ov hiz natur, up to date, that yu kan take the halter ov civil law off from, and turn it out to grass?
Waking up in the morning, to a virtuous man, iz the same thing az being born agin.
“Necessity iz the mother ov invenshun,” andPattent Wrightiz the father.
It dun me good to hear a poor brute whinner in Broadway yesterday. I waz glad that thare waz one stage hoss in New York citty whoze heart wasn’t dead broke.
Death iz the only thing in this life that iz certain; and even that ain’t always a safe investment.
Rumor iz a vagrant without a home, and lives upon what it kan pick up.
The gratest viktory for mankind that hav ever bin won, hav bin won by the rod and the katechism.
The lion and the lamb may, possibly, sumtime lay down in this world together for a fu minnits, but when the lion kums tew git up, the lamb will be missing.
Chastity iz like glassware—too much frost in it makes it more brittle.
Virtew, backed up by courage, iz the perfekshun ov human natur. I don’t reckon mercy nor pity always amung the virtews; they are often only amable weaknesses. Justis iz the square root ov awl the virtews. I wouldn’t hav enny mercy nor pitty hove out for rubbish; neither would i hav a man think, bekauze he melts at the anguish ov the viscious, that it iz virtew that ails him.
Bachelors are alwus a braggin ov their freedom!!—freedom228to darn their own stockings, and poultiss their own shins! I had rather be a widdower once in 2 years, reglar, than tew be a grunting, old, hair-dyed bachelor only for 90 days.
The lazyest man that i kan think ov now, waz Israel Dunbar, ov Billingsville. He dried up a new milch cow in milkin her 3 times, and planted an aker of beans, last spring, awl in one hill. He iz 45 years old, and hain’t had the meazles yet; he haz alwus bin too lazy tew ketch them. He had one son, who was jist like him. This boy died when he waz 18 years old, in crossing a korn-field; the punkin-vines took after him and smothered him to death.
Ifwe could see the sekret motives that prompt even the good ackshuns ov men, we should see more tew reprove than admire.
The best specimens ov calm resignashun tew their fate that I hav met with thus far, hav been amung thoze who had an inkum ov 40 thousand dollars a year, less government tax.
Diogenes and Seneca were two az grate philosophers az the world haz ever produced; one lived in a tub, and the other in a palace.
Most ov the happiness in this world konsists in possessing what others kant git.
Take all the phools and the good luk out of this world, and it would bother menny ov us tew git a living.
Thare iz a grate menny ghosts travelling around loose, but no one ever saw one yet.
Honesty iz like money, yu hav got tew work hard tew git it, and then work harder to keep it.
I alwus git my boots made bi the shumaker that other shumakers praze.
Philosophy iz born in the head, and dies in the heart.
I hav noticed one thing, that just about in proporshun that the pashuns are weak, men are seemingly virtewous.
Here iz just what’s the matter—if yu shut yureself up folks will run after yu, and if yu run after folks they will shut themselfs up.