{MONOGRAFFS.}THE INTERVIEWER.Ipittythe poor Interviewer, he iz not alwus a bad phellow at heart, but hiz trade iz a mean one, and the bizzness haz spilte him.I would rather lead a blind mule on the tow-path for a living, or retail soft klams from a ricketty waggon, than tew be an Interviewer, and worry people with questions, they waz afrade tew answer and too vain tew refuse.The Interviewer iz a human hosstrich, feeding on enny thing he kan find, and digesting eazy enny thing he can swallo.He iz a kind ov kultivated hyena, and makes yu shudder to think, that at enny moment, he may turn wild and begin tew hunt for a human beefstake.He haz just branes enuff tew keep hiz impudence aktiv, and tho he haz but little malice, he will hunt yu sharper, and worry yu wuss, than a canal boat bedbug.He iz like a ritch cheeze, chuck phull ov little things.Thare iz no eskaping this breed ov kritters, if yu run they will overtake yu, if yu steal into yure hole they will either dig for yu, or stand around on the outside till yu cum out.They are wuss than a flea tew a long-haired dog.Interviewers are a cross between the old-fashionedquid nunkand the modern Buzzer, and are a pesky improvement on both.Death itself iz no eskape from the Interviewer, for they321will hang around the departure till they git an item, and then go for the widow.The Interviewer would rather tell the truth if he kan, but aint discouraged if he iz forced tew tell what aint so.They are az dangerous tew admit into yure konfidence az a pickpocket iz, not bekause they will take enny spoons, but bekauze yu are haff afrade they will.THE INTERVIEWER.Modesty would ruin an Interviewer, delikasy would unfit him for bizzness, he kan even thrive without being honest, and tew make him an adept in hiz calling, he dont require enny more tenderness than an undertaker duz.Yu kan git rid ov a hornet by brakeing his nek, yu kan outrun a blak snaik, and kan hide from the sheriff, but the Interviewer, like the cursid muskeeter in the dark, hovers around yu, and if he don’t bight, he sings, which is the wusstest ov the two.I hav bin lit onto by the Interviewer miself, and hav answered hiz questions, az honest az ever a child did the katekism, and the next day read the dialogue in the morning paper, and it waz all az new to me az Old Probabilitiz log ov the weather.Don’t never tell any sekrets tew an Interviewer; he will open them az they open oysters in the market, and retail them on the haff shell.I treat all interviewers politely; when they begin tew bait322me, i ask them tew smoke (i never knu one to refuse), and when they press me too clussly then i begin tew whissell.I am an awful poor whissler enny how.I do really pitty the poor Interviewer; he works for hiz bread like enny other skribbler, and for what i kno, hates the bizzness, but i am sad when I say, that if he iz good at interviewing, he iz too impudent tew be good for enny thing else.Sum people luv tew be interviewed, and i must say, theze kind of pholks never reach the dignity ov impudence; they are simply disgusting.Yu kant git a journeyman Interviewer tew waste enny time on sutch stale goods; he would az soon think of interviewing a last year’s birds’ nest, or a kuntry gide-board.Thare iz no kure for a reglar Interviewer; he thirsts for the game like a fox hound on the trak; he livs upon plunder, and would rather be sent up for 30 daze than to see hiz collum in the morning Gazzette without a trophy.THE MUSK RAT.Themusk rat iz bigger than a squirrell, and smaller than a woodchuk, and iz az unlike them az a Rokaway klam and a lobster are different from each other.He iz amphibikuss, and kan liv on the land a good deal longer than he kan liv under the water.He feeds upon roots, herbs, and soft klams, and smells like the wake of a fashionable woman out on parade.He bilds houses in the winter, about az big az flour barrels, all over the marshes, and enters them from the cellar.Hiz phur iz worth just about 25 cents, and aint lively in market at that.Yu kan ketch them in allmoste enny kind ov a trap that haz got a way tew git into it. They are not kunning, and aint diffikult tew suit.When i waz a boy i trapped every winter for musk rats,323and bought the fust pare ov skates i ever owned with their skins.I hav seen them in winter setting up on end on the ice, cluss beside their holes, az stiff az an ezklamashun point, and when they see me they change ends and point down, like a semicolon, and that waz the last ov them.The musk rat haz a flat tale, with no more phur on it than a file haz.I dont dispize musk rat—oh, no!—but i dont worship him.He haz but phew sins tew answer for; the chief one iz digging holes in the bank of the Erie kanal, and letting the water brake out. He will hav tew answer for this sumtime.I luv all the animals, all the bugs, all the beasts, all the insex, all the katterpillars, bekauze they are so natral. They are az mutch, if not more, an evidence tew me ov the existance, the power, and the luv, ov an overruling Providence, as man iz.I kan see az mutch fust klass natur in an angleworm, akording tew the square inch, az i kan see in an elephant.I luv tew go phooling around amung the animiles ov all kinds in a warm day; i had rather set down bi the side ov an ant hill and see the whole swarm pitch onto a lazy kuss who won’t work, and run him out ov the diggins, than tew set six hours at the opera and applaud what i don’t understand, and weep at the spot whare the rest do, and pay 3 dollars for the privilege ov doing it.THE MINK.Themink iz about fourth cuzzin tew the musk rat, and haz sum things in common with him; they both smell alike.He iz one ov yure land and water citizens, and kan dive deeper, do it quicker, and kum out dryer than enny thing i kno ov.324His phur iz one ov the luxurys ov the present generashun and iz worth az mutch akording tew its size as one dollar bills are.He haz no very strong pekuliarity ov karakter except hiz perfume, which iz about haff way in its smell between the beaver and the musk rat.The mink haz 4 times the kunning that the musk rat haz, and iz bilt long and slim like a little girl’s stocking.They are not handy tew ketch, but when ketched are skinned whole.I hav trapt a good deal for mink and hav kaught them mity little, for they are almost az hard tew ketch in a trap and keep thare as a ray ov light iz.Thare iz sum people who hav et mink, and sed it waz good, but i wouldn’t beleave sutch a man under oath, not bekauze he ment tew lie, but bekauze he didn’t kno what the truth waz.I et a piece ov biled wilekat once, and that haz lasted me ever since, but i never waz parshall tew wild meat ennyhow.I lived 25 years ov mi life whare game ov all kinds waz plenty. We had bear, oppossum, buffalo and rattlesnaik, and then nights we had draw poker and hi lo Jak, just tew waste the time a leetle.THE DISTRIKT SKOOLMASTER.Thareiz one man in this basement world that i alwus look upon with mixt pheelings ov pitty and respekt.Pittyandrespekt, az a genral mixtur, don’t mix well.You will find them both traveling around amungst folks, but not growing on the same bush.When they do hug each other, they mean sumthing.Pitty, without respekt, hain’t got much more oats in it than disgust haz.I had rather a man would hit me on the side ov the hed than tew pitty me.325But thare iz one man in this world to whom i alwus take oph mi hat, and remain uncovered untill he gits safely by, and that iz the distrikt skoolmaster.When I meet him, I look upon him az a martyr just returning from the stake, or on hiz way thare tew be cooked.He leads a more lonesum and single life than an old bachelor, and a more anxious one than an old maid.He iz remembered jist about az long and affektionately az a gide board iz by a traveling pack pedlar.If he undertakes tew make hiz skollars luv him, the chances are he will neglekt their larning; and if he don’t lick them now and then pretty often, they will soon lick him.The distrikt skoolmaster hain’t got a friend on the flat side ov earth. The boys snow-ball him during recess; the girls put water in hiz hair die; and the skool committee make him work for haff the money a bartender gits, and board him around the naberhood, whare they giv him rhy coffee, sweetened with mollassis, tew drink, and kodfish bawls 3 times a day for vittles.And, with all this abuse, I never heard ov a distrikt skoolmaster swareing enny thing louder than—Condem it.Don’t talk tew me about the pashunce ov anshunt Job.Job had pretty plenty ov biles all over him, no doubt, but they were all ov one breed.Every yung one in a distrikt skool iz a bile ov a diffrent breed, and each one needs a diffrent kind ov poultiss tew git a good head on them.A distrikt skoolmaster, who duz a square job and takes hiz codfish bawls reverently, iz a better man to day tew hav lieing around loose than Soloman would be arrayed in all ov hiz glory.Soloman waz better at writing proverbs and manageing a large family, than he would be tew navigate a distrikt skool hous.Enny man who haz kept a distrikt skool for ten years, and boarded around the naberhood, ought tew be made a mager gineral, and hav a penshun for the rest ov hiz natral days, and a hoss and waggin tew do hiz going around in.326But, az a genral consequence, a distrikt skoolmaster hain’t got any more warm friends than an old blind fox houn haz.He iz jist about az welkum az a tax gatherer iz.He is respekted a good deal az a man iz whom we owe a debt ov 50 dollars to and don’t mean tew pay.He goes through life on a back road, az poor az a wood sled, and finally iz missed—but what ever bekums ov hiz remains, i kant tell.Fortunately he iz not often a sensitive man; if he waz, he couldn’t enny more keep a distrikt skool than he could file a kross kut saw.Whi iz it that theze men and wimmen, who pashuntly and with crazed brain teach our remorseless brats the tejus meaning ov the alphabet, who take the fust welding heat on their destinys, who lay the stepping stones and enkurrage them tew mount upwards, who hav dun more hard and mean work than enny klass on the futstool, who have prayed over the reprobate, strengthened the timid, restrained the outrageous, and flattered the imbecile, who hav lived on kodfish and vile coffee, and hain’t been heard to sware—whi iz it that they are treated like a vagrant fiddler, danced to for a night, paid oph in the morning, and eagerly forgotten?I had rather burn a coal pit, or keep the flys out ov a butcher’s shop in the month ov August, than meddle with the distrikt skool bizzness.SINGULAR BEINGS.THE POMPOUS MAN.Thepompous man iz generally a snob at home and abroad.He fills himself up with an east wind and thinks he iz grate just bekauze he happens tew feel big.He talks loud and large, but deceives noboddy who will take the trubble tew meazzure him.He iz a man ov smallcaliber, but a good deal ovbore.327Hiz family looks upon him az the gratest man that the world haz had the honor to produce lately, and tho he gits snubbed often amungst folks, lie rekompenses himself bi going home and snubbing hiz family.THE ONE IDEA MAN.THE YANKEE, THAT IS ALWAYS REDDY TO ARGUE THE QUESTION.The one idea man iz like the merino ram, he shuts up both eyes and goze for things inkontinently. He misses, ov course, oftener than he hits, but don’t kno the difference, and is always reddy to argue the question. Yu kant konvince him that he iz wrong enny more than you kan a hornet.One idea men are their own wust enemys, and there iz but one kure for them, and that iz tew agree with them. If yu think just az they do, they will soon want tew think sum other way, and that lets two ideas git into their hed, which makes them perhaps endurable.THE HAPPY MAN.The happy man iz a poor judge of hiz own bliss, for he kant set down and deskribe it.Happiness iz like helth—thoze who hav the most ov it seem tew kno it the least.Yu kant go out in the spring ov the year and gather happiness along the side ov the road just the same az you would328dandylions—noboddy but a natral born phool kan do this they are alwus happy, ov course.When i hear a man bragging how happy he iz, he dont cheat me, he only cheats himself.THE HENPECKED MAN.The henpecked man iz most generally married; but thare are instances on reckord of single men being harrassed by the pullets.Yu kan alwus tell one ov theze kind ov men, espeshily if they are in the company ov their wives. They look az humble and resighned tew their fate az a hen turkey in a wet day.Thare aint nothing that will take the starch out ov a man like being pecked by a woman. It is wuss than a seven months’ turn ov the fever and agy.The wives ov hen-pecked husbands most alwus out liv their viktims, and I hav known them tew git marrid agin, and git hold ov a man that time (thank the Lord!) who understood all the hen-peck dodges.One ov these kind ov husbands iz an honor tew his sex.The hen-pecked man, when he gits out amungst men, puts on an air ov bravery and defiance, and once in a while will git a leetle drunk, and then go home with a firm resolve that he will be captain ov his household; but the old woman soon takes the glory out ov him, and handles him just az she would a haff-grown chicken, who had fell into the swill barrel, and had tew be jerked out dredful quick.THE OFFICIOUS MAN.The officious man stands around rubbing his hands, anxious for a job.He seems tew ake for sumthing tew do, and if he gits snubbed in one place, it don’t seem tew diskourage him, but like the fly, he lights on another.The officious man iz az free from malice as a young pup, who, if he kant do anything else, iz reddy tew lay down in front of yu and be stept on.329Theze kind ov men spend their whole lives trieing tew make friends ov all, and never succeed with any.There iz a kind ov officious man, who iz only prompted bi his vanity, hiz anxiety tew be useful tew others don’t arise from enny goodness ov heart, but simply from a desire ov stiking hiz noze into things.Theze kind ov individuals are supremely disgusting.The officious man iz generally ov no use whatever tew himself, and a nusance tew everyboddy else.I don’t know ov but phew more unfortunit disposishuns than the officious mans, for even in its very best phase, it seldom suckceedes in gitting paid for its labors with common politeness.THE PHUNNY MAN.Thare iz hardly ennything that a man iz so vain ov az the humor that iz in him.Thephunny maniz seldum an humorist, and never a wit.Hiz only pride iz tew make you laff; he seldum rizes abuv a jest, and very often iz the only one who kan see enny point even in that.He iz generally the hero ov the ockashun in the rural distrikts, and kuntry bumbkins laff obstreprous whenever he opens his mouth.The phunny man iz the clown at large, and hiz jests are sumtimes amuzing, but never remembered.Thare iz seldum enny taint ov originality in him, and the quips and the quirks he deals in are old saws reset and refiled, and bad enuff done at that.It iz a dredful unfortunit thing tew deal in cast oph jokes; for, like the old clothes bizzness, they will stick tew a man all thru life.THE CHEEKY MAN.Impudence, or sumthing like it, iz the leading trait in most suckcessful mens karakters.All the nice things that hav bin sed in favour ov modesty,330fail tew stand the test when brought into the pull and haul of every-day life.Bold assurance, while it may often disgust us; will win 9 times out ov 10.We all ov us praze the modest, but our praze iz only a kind ov pitty, and pitty will ruin enny man.Enny man will liv four times az long on abuse, and git phatt, az he will on pitty.Thare iz now and then a man who iz modest, but intensely in earnest, and sutch men sweep everything before them.The karakter ov the modest man iz a good thing, and a butiful thing tew frame and hang up in a private apartment, but experience teaches us that if we wait for our turn in this world,our turnnever seems tew come round.The cheeky man never enjoys thoze delightful sensations which arize from having yielded tew others; hiz logick iz that the arly bird gits the worm, and, regardless ov all delikasy, he goze for the worm.Thare seems tew be nothing now daze that will warrant sukcess like cheek, and the more cheek the better, even if you hav az mutch as a mule.THE LIVE MAN.TheLive Maniz like the little pig; he iz weaned young, and begins tew root arly.He iz the pepper-sass ov creation—the all-spice ov the world.OneLive Manin a village is like a case ov itch in a distrikt skool—he sets evry boddy scratching at onst.A man who kan draw New Orleans molasses in the month ov January, thru a half inch augur-hole, and sing “Home! sweet home!” while the molasis iz running, may be strictly honest, but he aint sudden enuff for this climate.The Live Man iz az full ov bizness az the conducter ov a street kar—he iz often like a hornet, very bizzy, but about what, the Lord only knows.He lights up like a cotton faktory, and haint got enny more time tew spare than a skool-boy has Saturday afternoons.331He is like a decoy duck, alwus above water, and lives at least 18 months each year.He is like a runaway hoss; he gits the whole ov the road.He trots when he walks, and lies down at night only bekauze everyboddy else duz.The live man is not always a deep thinker; he jumps at conclusions, just as the frog duz, and don’t alwus land at the spot he is looking at.He is the Amerikan pet, a perfekt mystery tew foreigners; but he has done more (with charcoal) tew work out the greatness of this country than any other man in it.He is jist as necessary as the grease on an axle-tree.He don’t alwus die ritch, but alwus dies bizzy, and meets death a good deal az an oyster duz, without making enny fuss.THE FAULT-FINDER.Good Lord, deliver us from the Falt finder, one ov yure kronick grunters, i mean. Theze kind ov human critters are alwuss full ov self consait; if tha waz humble and wud dam themself okasionally, i wud try tew pity them. Yure falt-finding old-bachelor, for instanze, odars a pair ov No. 8 boots, and then kolides with his shumaker insted ov his big feet; he walks tew the depo tew saive hack-hire and misses the trane, and then kolides with the time-table; he kourts a gal till she has tew marry sumboddy else tew keep from spileing, and then he don’t believe thare is a vartuous woman living. If he enjoys ennything he dus it under protess, and if ennyboddy else enjoys ennything he knows tha lie about it. He is like a seckund rate bull tarrier, alwus a fiteing, and alwus gitting licked. These kind ov critters never are reddy tew die, bekause tha haint never begun tew live. I never maik their ackquaintanse enny more than i dew sumboddy’s small pox, bekause i am a looking after bright things and haint got enny to lose. Thare aint enny remedee for this dissease but hunger, and that aint parmanent unless it results in starvashun. Good Lord, deliver us from the falt-finder! if yu undertake tew argy with them yu onla flatter them, and332if yu jine in with them yu onla maik them mad with them selfs.I had rather be a target for awl the bad luk in this wurld than tew go thru life shuteing a pizen arrow at awl the good luk. The more i think ov it, the more i keep thinking that falt-finding iz verry much like bobing for eels with a raw potater; a fust rate wa tew git out ov consait ov awl kinds ov fishing, and a fust rate wa not tew ketch enny eels.Thare are many singular beins in this world, but i fancy the singularest are thespinsters.SPINSTERSJOSH AND THE BORDER INJUN.Yuinform me, mi dear sir, that yu are a member ov the sosiety “for the prevenshun ov kruelty tew animiles.”Allow me tew simpathize with yu, bi saying, that i am glad ov it.It iz a nobel institushun, and standsahedov the prevenshun ov kruelty tew humans.333It iz a fakt, that thoze who are kind tew animiles, are kind tew humans.I am not acquainted with Mr. Bergh, the president ov yure assosiashun, whom yu speak ov so kindly, i dont kno him personally, but i kno him at a distance, he is very tall.In yure letter tew me, yu speak very tenderly about the Injuns, and ask me, “if thare aint sum way, tew alleviate the condishun ov the nobel red man on our frontier.”Yu say yu are willing tew bekum a missionary, and go amung them, and labur for their good.The injun, mi dear sir, iz a pekuliar kuss.He haz the most ardent simpathizers amung thoze who dont kno him the muchest.In the komposishun ov the skool girl, the injun maiden bekums a brik, and when the boys speak about him, they speak ov his bo and arrows, and hiz nobel natur.Most people kno the injun from the Hiawatha stand point, but i git mi informashun from the kritter himself.I dont liv amungst him now, but in the early years ov mi misfortunes, in this latitude, i bekum striktly acquainted with the nobel injun az he iz, not so mutch az he ought tew be, nor az poets hav tost him up.I hav saw him in hiz natiff buty at home, and hav mi opinyun ov him, which i am willing tew impart tew yu, at fust cost.Mi advice tew yu, iz tew stay with Mr. Bergh, and stick tew the stage hoss, and make him az comfortable az yu kan, and not waste enny philanthropy, nor hallelujah, on the border injun.Thare ain’t a more villainous individual, now loafing around loose, on the footstool, than Mr. Lo, the injun.The minnit an injun bekums what yu kall civilized, that minnit he iz spilte.A civilized injun aint ov enny more use tew himself, az a means ov grace, nor ennyboddy else, than a tame deer.If thare could be found an iland, in the depths of the sea, whare it waz sure, no white man, nor blak man, nor blue man,334would ever go, it mite do tew stock it, with the injuns now residing on our border, and let them civilize each other.I am willing tew admit, thare iz a difference in the various tribes ov injuns.Sum are wuss than others, but civilizashun haz never been ov enny uze tew an injun.If yu ask enny border man, one who knos the kritters, he will tell yu the same story.Sunday skools are a good place tew learn the katekism, and git the hang ov the 10 commandments, but tew kno the injun, mi dear sir, yu must go amungst him.Yu kant studdy injun, and lay around a meeting house all the time, i am sorry for this, but i dont konsider that i am tew blame for it.As i sed above, stick tew the omnibust hoss, he iz, in mi opinyun, a more fit, and better paying investment, for yure kindness, than the best Blackfeet injun thare iz now in the rocky mountains.If yu should go amungst this tribe, az a fust class missionary, yu mite eskape with yure life, and possibly with yure skalp, if yu did, you would have sumthing tew brag ov, the rest ov yure life.The grate trubble iz, the injun wont larn the virtews ov civilizashun, he iz satisfied with larning the vices, and only studdiz how tew improve on them.Kruelty, and deceit, are the leading artikles in an injuns natur, and yu mite az well undertaik tew break the wiggle out ov a snaix, or the sting out ov a hornet, az tew git theze two vices out ov enny specimen ov human natur, when they form the basis ov karakter.Kindness towards an injun, is no gurantee ov safety.When yu are amungst injuns, keep yure hand on yure revolver, and yure eye over yure shoulder.When i waz a very pretty boy, and fust began tew dwell amung romances, i red menny ov the tales, told so well, about the injun, and thought, how i would like tew be an nobel injun, and hav a wigwam, and foller the bounding deer, and335lay mi venson at the feet ov a dark komplekted buty, and several more things, ov this prerswashun, but sum years after, i found miself on the trail, and had all the injun poetry taken out ov me, never more tew cum back.BIG REWARD FOR A INDIAN’S HEAD: CAN NOT TELL A LIE, I CUT IT WITH MY LITTLE HATCHETI dont wish tew hurt ennyboddys aktual pheelings, who have made up their minds, that the injun iz a nobel kritter, but i will say tew them, stay at home, and enjoy yure sentiments.Dont go amung the nobel red man, now on our frontier, but stay at home, and write sum stanzas about him, and civilize him at a distance.I hav never had but one plan tew civilize the injun, since i hav got old enuff tew do him enny good, and this plan iz more unique, than elegant.Mi plan iz simpli thus,—let the government offer 10 dollars for every injun civilized, and let the proof ov civilizashun be the hair ov the injuns head, with the skin attached tew it.Now menny folks will hold up their hands, in number one horror, at this plan, but i will bet on the plan.This iz the only way tew civilize the kind ov injun that i am a talking ov, and not hav tew do the work over agin.I dont klaim tew be the original pattentee ov this plan ov civilizashun, sumthing like it occurred in the palmy daze ov Noah, when the best plan for civilizashun, that could be thought ov, waz tew wipe out the whole race ov human beings and make sum more.336This iz mi plan, for noble red men, on the frontier, wipe them out, but here i pauze, i say, dont make enny more.Try sum other breed ov human kritter.Mi opinyun, mi dear sir, about the missionary bizzness, haz alwus bin, that it iz a profitable bizzness, well followed, but thare iz several good ways tew do it, and several good men tew invest in the undertaking.Sum are kalkulated tew make the good better, sum are kalkulated tew make the better almost perfekt, but thare aint but phew, ov the right bore, kalkulated tew work in the vineyard ov the wild border savage, and thoze, are theze, whoze piety konsists, in shooting at a mark, and hitting the bull’s eye every time.I say once more, mi friend, stick to the omnibust hoss, and let thoze missionarys, on the borders, the skalps ov whoze wifes, and children, are now hung up az trophys in the wigwams ov the nobel red man, let them civilize the injuns.They will do it so that it will stay did.I am the last man tew throw enny thing in the way ov yure gitting a good job, espeshily in the missionary bizzness, but i kant reckomend enny man, tew this partikular situashun, unless i kno he understands the use ov a gain twist rifle, and kan civilize a Pawnee, every time, 440 yards, with a cross wind.THE CUNNING MAN.Cunningiz often took for wisdum, but it iz the mere skum that rizes when wisdum biles her pot, it hath not the stride ov wisdum, neither haz it the honesty ov wisdum, it iz more like instinkt, than it iz like reazon.Cunning ain’t good at begetting, it iz better at executing, it iz like the wisdum ov a kat, fust rate tew watch a rat hole.The cunning man haz two virtues alwus prominent, patience, and energy, without these he would fall below the kat, and fail tew git hiz mouse.337Thare iz lots ov cunning men who are like an unskillful trapper, who knows how tew set a trap, but hain’t got the wisdum tew bait it.Cunning men alwus hav a speciality, such az it iz, i hav seen them who could ride a mule tew a spot, but who set a hoss awkwardly.Thare iz this average between a cunning man and a wise man, the cunning man’s wisdum iz alwus on the outside ov hiz face, he kant hide it, it iz alwus squirting out ov the corner ov his eyes, while the wize man carrys hiz grist deep, stowed away in hiz heart, and don’t use hiz wisdum tew find ockasions, but tew master them, when they pop up.Cunning men have grate caution, bekauze they serpoze themselfs watched, inasmutch az they are alwus watching others.They hav but few brains, but what they hav, are petroleum, and their brains being few, and greasy, enables them tew fetch them tew a focus sudden.It iz hard work to be very cunning and very honest, at the same time, i reckon this, bekauze i dont see the two hugging and kissing each other very much.Cunning haz a skandalous pedigree, he iz the babe ov wisdum, and Fraud, and iz the only child they ever had, but looks and ackts just like his ma.It would take a big book tew make an almanack ov a cunning man, and the changes in him, fits, starts, and doubles, and hiz windings, hiz in’s and hiz outs, the parables in which he talks, and the double entenders ov hiz face, awl that he duz, and awl that he thinks, are for effekt.Cunning men’s advice iz hard tew follow, bekause their wisdum iz made like a bed quilt, out ov patches, and iz also composed ov shifts, for the emergincy ov an ockasion, tew mutch for a stiddy diet.If you don’t understand wiggling yourself, or the rudiments ov it, yu must not git yure advice from the cunning man.Cunning haz alwus passed for wisdum, and will continue338on to do so, az long az phools last, and phools will last az long az enny boddy else duz, and sustane their reputashun.Cunning iz alwus selfish, bekauze it iz not ov mutch breadth, while wisdum can afford tew be magnanimous, and hav sumthing left over.But the ways and dodges ov cunning are past finding out, yu might az well undertake tew track a snake in the grass, when the dew iz off, or a fox, in a straight line tew hiz hole.Cunning men are not very dangerous, they hav so mutch vanity, and their vanity satisfied their ambition iz, and when vanity takes the place ov ambishun, we are more amuzed than alarmed.Cunning men, in the hands ov wize men, are useful, more useful, quite often, than honesty, bekauze they are more sudden, and less sempelous.It is safer tew entrust a sekret tew a cunning man, than a clever man, the clever man is sure tew spill it, the cunning one may use it aginst yu, but he iz eazier tew watch, and control, than the good natured fellow, who, like a young pup, lays down, rools over, and wags himself in front ov evry man he meets.Cunning men hav manny associates, but few intimates, they sumtimes hunt in couples, but are apt tew fight, when they cum to divide the plunder.The Deceitful Cuss.—An open enemy, a hearty hater, a bold dead-beater, an imperious friend, a phoolish chum, a reckless companyun, anything in shape ov human, or ov brute, and even aul things devlish, are mince pies with raizins in them, compared tew a slipping, sneakingDeceit, who, under the guize and garments ov being in love with you, chaws tobbaker out ov yure box, and lies tew yu evry time he tells yu the truth.Theze human polecats are thick in this world, their eyes are like the kats, made tew see in the dark, they hav the face ov a sheep, and the heart ov a snaik, they kan kry at an impromptu christening, they are az full ov cunning az a she opposum, and would rather fail in an enterprise than to do it honestly.339These critters, az awkward as it may seem, are full ov vanity and ambishun, and their vanity and ambishun iz tew play lion under a sheep’s skin.It iz a strange ambishun that a man will cultivate wisdum only for the sake ov being cunning, that he will perfect himself in the art and imagery of love and friendship for the sake ov counterfitting them, that he will studdy pitty for gain, that he will work hard for the devil at 2 shillings a day, and finally, that he will practiss the rudiments ov awl the virtews ov soshul life, simply for the sake ov doing with a good grace what iz shameful and wicked to do at all.I havknownmen ov this brand, who where not wholly malishus, who would aktually dew yu a good turn to-morrow if they could cheat yu to-day, who deceive not entirely for gain, but tew keep their tools whet, who hav sum excellent traits, which sumtimes drop out seemingly by mistake.But a natral crook toward deception iz like the bight ov a mad dogg, it may sleep for a long time in the veins ov its viktim, very well behaved pizen, watching for a good time, but sooner or later, when least expekted, the virus begins tew play dorg by asserting its dredful prerogative.It don’t cure theze vermin tew ketch them, if they waz rats, which we could drown in the trap, it would be bully, but letting them go only makes them the more cunning.Deception iz one ov the sciences, it haz its deakons, elders and hod carriers, the world swarms with them, all ov the pimps among them, such az the wodden nutmeg makers, and the small beer-cheats, we kan punish enuff by dispising, but what reward, short ov the gibbet, or at least the whipping post, iz equal tew the villainous cuss who creeps on hiz body into yure confidense, a subdued and shivering snake, and warms up into a viper.Ingratitude iz one ov them diabolikal crimes that awl men hate, but leave the punishment to heaven.TheDomestik Maniz ov a maskuline and feminine tendency—half and half—and sumtimes more so.He kan most generally be found at home—when he aint wanted.340He iz a kind ov second lutennant in hiz family, under haff pay, with promiss of promoshun.He kan beat hiz wife bileing soap, or nussing the baby, and she kan beat him, in the 4th ward, running for perlice constabel.He iz alwus reddy tew do ennything—when hiz wife iz.He iz a kind ov spy in the household, and iz treated az such by the whole family. The servants laff at him, and the children dont fear him.He iz az fierce as an old hen setting on one egg, and just about az dangerous.Hiz wife marrid him, not out ov love, but out ov pitty; and pitty never changes into respekt, but gennerally into disgust.The Generous Man.—Generosity iz an instinkt—a kind ov natral crook—a weird child ov the heart.It iz diffrent from profusion; profusion iz most alwus the decoy duck ov vanity.Generosity iz diffrent from charity; charity iz the impulse ov reason.It iz diffrent from justiss—justiss iz 16 ounces tew the pound, and no more.Generosity iz sumthing more than justiss, and sumthing less than profusion; it iz the good a man duz, without being able tew give enny reazon for it.If a man iz alwus genrous he will alwus be right, or will hav a good excuse for what seems tew be wrong.Generosity iz bravery, and it iz truth: no one ever saw a generous man who waz a coward or a liar.Generosity sumtimes may lack prudence, but it never lacks faith, and faith haz won holier laurels than prudence ever did.The generous man chastens hiz gifts with the assurance that the giver iz az happy in the gift az the receiver iz.He takes the fust swaller out ov the dipper, and smacking hiz lips, insists upon your drinking the balance awl up.Poverty haz no power over generosity enny more than it haz over love.341This iz my idee ov the kind ov generosity that I am writing about.FREQUENT KRITTERS.THE LOAFER.Theloafer iz a human being who iz willing tew be dispized just for the privilege ov abuzing others.He occupys all grades in sosiety, from the judge on the bench klean doun to the ragged thing in britches who leans aginst a lamp-post and fites flys in August.FREQUENT KRITTERS.He haz hiz circle ov friends, whare hiz koarse jests are re-echoed, and whare to be in hiz konfidence iz konsidered an honor.He iz not alwus destitute ov kommon sense, and quite often iz the author ov jests which pass upon the unwary for humor and even wit.He haz no pride that is worthy, and haz no delikasy that enny boddy kan hurt.During hiz boyhood he kills kats and sells their hides to the hatters, and robs all the hens’ nests and arly apple trees in the naborhood.During hiz middle life he begs all the tobacco he uses, and drinks all the cheap whisky he kan at sumboddy else’s expense.During hiz old age he winters in the alms-houses, and summers in the sugar hogsheds, and when he comes tew die he iz342buried in a dich, like an omnibus hoss, with hiz old shoes on.This iz a trew ackount ov the life and adventures ov the ordinary loafer, and yet there are thousands ov human kritters coming onto the platform ov life every six months whoze only ambishun iz to be successful loafers.The loafer kares nothing for publik opinyun, and this alone, will make any man a loafer.The loafer rather covets disgrace ov all kinds, and when a man gits az low down az this, he haz got az low down az he kan git without digging.THE PROJEKTOR.The projektor iz a man with one idee, and that idee iz often like a paving stun, the hardest kind ov a thing tew hatch out, and when it iz hatched out, yu kan’t alwus tell what kind ov a breed the thing iz.He haz been bizzy at work for the last 4 thousand years trieing tew bild perpetual moshun, and haz cum within 3 quarters ov an inch ov it sevral times, but alwus slips up jist az he reaches out tew grab it.He haz dun sum dredful good things for mankind, but too often iz ov no more use in the world, than an extra pump iz.The projektor iz alwus a man ov genius, but hiz genius iz frequently like the genius ov a goose, thare ain’t no one kan beat them at standing on one legg.I hav known theze breed ov pholks tew drag out a long life, richer in their own estimashun than Crœsus, and poorer in the opinyun ov others than Lazarus.They seldum reap enny gain from their invenshuns, and if ever they do diskover perpetual moshun, they will sell the principle tew sum kunning kuss, for 17 or 18 dollars, and starve tew death on the glory ov it.I hav known several ov these poor phellows in mi life, and only knew them tew pitty them, for they are az tender, all over, az spring lam, and az eazy tew cheat az a blind baby.I hav a friend who iz a projektor. I kant tell what partikular pholly he iz at work at now, but sum one I am sure, for343thare aint on the whole arth, a more bizzy kritter than the man, who iz sure that to-morrow will put the finishing touches tew hiz pattent rite plan, for threading the rong end ov a kambrik needle, or his resipee for making soft sope out ov calfs liver.But we kant spare the projektors, all that we can hope for iz, that too menny ov them wont spend a whole life in making a juse harp that will play Yankee doodle backwards, and finally die, and leave the tune haff finished.THE KONDEM PHOOL.Thare iz two kinds ov phools, at the date ov this article, laying around loose in the world, one iz thenatral, and the other iz thekondem.Thare iz sum other kind ov phools besides these, which I shall tutch lightly before I git thru.The natral phool kant help it, he iz born like the daizy, bi the side ov the road, just to nod, and to be sport for the winds.He haz no destiny to phill, that we know ov, but hiz Heavenly Father will care for him, for He cares for the koarse weed and the rank thissell.The kondem phool iz a self-made man, and iz entitled tew all the credit ov the job.Natur turns him out loose into the world, jist as she duz her other works, with all hiz fakultys in good order, but like a ram in a bak lot, he undertaiks tew knok down a stun fence with hiz head, and finds the stun fence too much for the ockashun.He often haz a hed phull ov branes, but like a swarm ov beeze, they keep up sich a buzzing they bewilder him.The kondem phool generally lacks but one thing tew make him all the the suckcess he could ask for, and that one thing iz common sense.Common sense iz all greek tew these kind ov phellows, they kan often rite poetry that reads az smooth and sweet az ile and molassis mixt together, and kan even deliver lekturs all around the kuntry, but one dose ov common sense would344take all the starch out ov them, and leave them az limpsey az the nek ov a ded goslin.The kondem phool iz the kauze ov most all trubble thare iz in this world, he ain’t alwus malishus, but iz alwus a phool.I divide the populashun ov the whole world into 2 heaps, and out ov respect for the parable ov the virgins in the bible, i call 5 ov them wize and 5 ov them foolish.It is verry easy tew be a kondem phool, enny boddy kan be one, and not suspekt it.Thare iz a large invoice ov phools just now pressing upon the market, but the market for them iz stiddy, the demand alwus being phull up tew the supply.I rekolekt ov onst saying, upon a memorabel ockashun, (i dont rekolek the ockashun now,) God bless the phools, and don’t let them run out, for if it want for them, the rest ov the world would be bothered tew git a good living.Among the list ov prominent phools, i take the liberty tew introduce the following:The “Profeshional Phool,” one who travels for a living.The “Wag Phool,” one who is a phool on private ackount.The “Bizzness Phool,” one who either Bulls or Bears everything in the market.The “Radikal Phool,” one who kant help it.The “Conservatiff Phool,” one who kan help it, but wont.The “Meek Phool,” one who sez he prefers kodphish bawls to porterhous stakes, or even quales on toast.The “Hipreshure Phool,” one who, like the hornet, alwus keeps mad in advance, so az tew be reddy for the ockashun.The “Silly Phool,” one who thinks the whole civilized world iz in luv with him.The “Wise Phool,” one who thinks he knoze all things, and luvs everyboddy.And four thousand, 3 hundred and 36 other distinkt kinds ov phools, which i haint got the pashunce tew elucidate now.THE PRECISE MAN.The “Precise Man,” sumtimes parts hiz hare in the middle, And when he duz, he kounts the hairs on each side ov hiz hed,345and splits sum, if it iz necessary, tew make the thing ded even.If he iz a marrid man, everything must be jist so—if he iz a bachelor it must be more so.He alwus sets a hen on 12 eggs, and haz a grate horror for all odd numbers.He gits up at jist sitch a time in the morning, and goes tew bed at jist sitch a time at night, and would as soon think ov taking a dose ov striknine for the hikcups az tew kut oph a dogs tale when the moon waz in the laste quarter.The precise man haz but phew branes, and they are az well broke az a setter dog’s, for he seldum makes a false point.He iz a bundle of fakts and figgers, and iz az handy in the naberhood az a pair ov platform skales or a reddy rekoner.He iz invariably an honest man, but often az mutch from pride az from principle.He luvs hiz children, if he haz any, and would rather hav them perfekt in the multiplikashun table than in the Illiad ov Homer.Hiz wife iz soon broke tew akt and think az he duz, and she iz known fur and near for the excellence ov her softe sope.The laste thing he alwus duz Saturday night iz tew grease hiz boots, and the fust thing Sunday morning iz tew wind up the old wodden klok in the kitchen.He iz generally respekted during life, and after he iz ded and gone hiz children keep his fame fresh by pointing out with pride the korner whare his kane alwus stood and peg whare his hat alwus hung.INDIVIDUAL FOLKS.THE OBTUSE MAN.Theobtuse man iz sawed off square at both ends, and iron bound like a beetle.He finds out the hard spot in things by running aginst346them, and like the merino ram, shuts up both eyes when he butts.It iz az hard tew git an idee into him az it iz tew git a wedge into a pepperidge log.He alwus sez “Yes” to what he don’t understand, and iz az hard tew argy out ov a conceit az a dog iz out ov a bone.He often sets himself up for a wise man, and sumtimes a wit, but i never knu one tew think he waz a bore.He goes thru life hed fust, and when he cums tew die he iz az well seasoned az a foot-ball.If he waz a going tew liv hiz life over again, he tells yu, he wouldn’t alter it, only he would eat more raw onions and be a hard-shell baptist.Every man remembers him az a man too stubborn tew be very viscious, with a few ideas, sum ov which he inherited, but most ov which he got by sleeping with hiz mouth wide open.THE POSATIFF MAN.The posatiff man bets hiz last dollar on a kard and looses, and then tells yu he knew he shouldn’t win.He alwus knows what will happen 3 weeks from now, and if it don’t happen he knew that too.If he falls down on the ice and breaks hiz leg it want an accident, it waz sumthing that couldn’t help but happen.He iz az certain ov everything az a mule iz anxious tew hit what he kicks at.Yu kant tell him ennything new, nor ennything old, he iz more certain ov things than Webster’s unabridged dickshionary.The less certain yu are the more posatiff he iz.He never made but one blunder in hiz life and that turned out at last tew be a good hit.The posatiff man haz too little cunning tew be very malishus, he iz generally happy, bekauze he iz posatiff ov it, and tho he gits things wrong oftner than he duz right, people are pleazed at hiz blunders bekauze he iz so much in earnest.347THE CROSS MAN.The cross man goes thru life like a sore-headed dog, followed by flies.He iz az sour az a pot-bellyed pickle, and like a skein of silk, iz alwus reddy for a snarl.He iz like an old hornet, mad all the way through, but about what, he kan’t tell, tew save hiz life.Everyboddy at home fears him, and everyboddy in the street dispizes him.He mistakes sullenness for bravery, and bekauze he feels savage, everyboddy else must feel humble.Thare iz no grater coward in the world than the cross man, nor none eazyer tew kure.He iz eazyer tew kure than the stummuk ake, for one good knok down will do so.THE PASHUNT MAN.The pashunt man never sez “dam it,” however much he may think so.He iz so well-ballanced that it takes at least fifty pounds ov musketeze tew turn hiz skales.He kan’t tell yu what makes him so pashunt if yu ask him; it may be nothing but numbness after all.Pashunce iz like enny other virtew, its value konsists in its power tew resist temptashun.It ain’t but little trubble for a graven image tew be pashunt, not even in fly time.Real pashunce stands amung the virtews, like genius amung the gifts; in fakt, pashunce, iz the genius ov virtew.The best thing i kno ov, tew try a man’s pashunce on, iz a kicking heifer, if he finds himself praying for the heifer every time she kicks, he haz got pashunce on the heart, and brain both.THE FUNNY MAN.The funny man kan’t open hiz mouth without letting a joke fly out, like ginger pop, when the kork iz pulled out.348Thare iz no genuine wit in the simply funny man, hiz only desire iz tew make yu laff, and real wit don’t stoop so low.The funny man’s jokes are at best only jests, sumtimes he reaches tew the dignity ov a poor pun, and hiz vanity then absorbs all hiz humor.It iz an awful thing tew be a funny man, it iz almost az dredful az the counterfiting bizzness.Thare iz no stattue aginst joking, but thare ought tew be, not that I think a good joke iz criminal, but they are so scarce, they are suspicious. I am the last man who wants tew see enny real wit leave this world, for i think genuine wit, iz az good az religion.THE HONEST MAN.Honest men are skarse, and are a going tew be skarser.Thare grate scarsity iz what makes them valuable.If every boddy waz honest, the supply would ruin the demand.Honesty iz like money, a man haz tew work hard tew git it, and then work harder tew keep it.Adam waz the fust honest man we hav enny ackount ov, and hiz honesty want ov mutch ackount.You couldn’t put yure finger on Adam, for in the garden ov Eden, when he waz wanted, he couldn’t be found.Old deakon Skinner, ov lower Pordunk village, waz an honest man, he wouldn’t hunt for hen’s eggs on sunday, but he waz an awful cluss man, he set a hen once, on three eggs, just tew save eggs.PECULIAR ONES.THE SQUARE MAN.Thesquare man meazzures the same each way, and haint got no wainny edges, nor shaky lumber in him.He is free from knots and sap, and won’t warp.349He iz klear stuff, and I don’t kare what yu work him up into, he won’t swell, and he won’t shrink.
{MONOGRAFFS.}
Ipittythe poor Interviewer, he iz not alwus a bad phellow at heart, but hiz trade iz a mean one, and the bizzness haz spilte him.
I would rather lead a blind mule on the tow-path for a living, or retail soft klams from a ricketty waggon, than tew be an Interviewer, and worry people with questions, they waz afrade tew answer and too vain tew refuse.
The Interviewer iz a human hosstrich, feeding on enny thing he kan find, and digesting eazy enny thing he can swallo.
He iz a kind ov kultivated hyena, and makes yu shudder to think, that at enny moment, he may turn wild and begin tew hunt for a human beefstake.
He haz just branes enuff tew keep hiz impudence aktiv, and tho he haz but little malice, he will hunt yu sharper, and worry yu wuss, than a canal boat bedbug.
He iz like a ritch cheeze, chuck phull ov little things.
Thare iz no eskaping this breed ov kritters, if yu run they will overtake yu, if yu steal into yure hole they will either dig for yu, or stand around on the outside till yu cum out.
They are wuss than a flea tew a long-haired dog.
Interviewers are a cross between the old-fashionedquid nunkand the modern Buzzer, and are a pesky improvement on both.
Death itself iz no eskape from the Interviewer, for they321will hang around the departure till they git an item, and then go for the widow.
The Interviewer would rather tell the truth if he kan, but aint discouraged if he iz forced tew tell what aint so.
They are az dangerous tew admit into yure konfidence az a pickpocket iz, not bekause they will take enny spoons, but bekauze yu are haff afrade they will.
THE INTERVIEWER.
THE INTERVIEWER.
Modesty would ruin an Interviewer, delikasy would unfit him for bizzness, he kan even thrive without being honest, and tew make him an adept in hiz calling, he dont require enny more tenderness than an undertaker duz.
Yu kan git rid ov a hornet by brakeing his nek, yu kan outrun a blak snaik, and kan hide from the sheriff, but the Interviewer, like the cursid muskeeter in the dark, hovers around yu, and if he don’t bight, he sings, which is the wusstest ov the two.
I hav bin lit onto by the Interviewer miself, and hav answered hiz questions, az honest az ever a child did the katekism, and the next day read the dialogue in the morning paper, and it waz all az new to me az Old Probabilitiz log ov the weather.
Don’t never tell any sekrets tew an Interviewer; he will open them az they open oysters in the market, and retail them on the haff shell.
I treat all interviewers politely; when they begin tew bait322me, i ask them tew smoke (i never knu one to refuse), and when they press me too clussly then i begin tew whissell.
I am an awful poor whissler enny how.
I do really pitty the poor Interviewer; he works for hiz bread like enny other skribbler, and for what i kno, hates the bizzness, but i am sad when I say, that if he iz good at interviewing, he iz too impudent tew be good for enny thing else.
Sum people luv tew be interviewed, and i must say, theze kind of pholks never reach the dignity ov impudence; they are simply disgusting.
Yu kant git a journeyman Interviewer tew waste enny time on sutch stale goods; he would az soon think of interviewing a last year’s birds’ nest, or a kuntry gide-board.
Thare iz no kure for a reglar Interviewer; he thirsts for the game like a fox hound on the trak; he livs upon plunder, and would rather be sent up for 30 daze than to see hiz collum in the morning Gazzette without a trophy.
Themusk rat iz bigger than a squirrell, and smaller than a woodchuk, and iz az unlike them az a Rokaway klam and a lobster are different from each other.
He iz amphibikuss, and kan liv on the land a good deal longer than he kan liv under the water.
He feeds upon roots, herbs, and soft klams, and smells like the wake of a fashionable woman out on parade.
He bilds houses in the winter, about az big az flour barrels, all over the marshes, and enters them from the cellar.
Hiz phur iz worth just about 25 cents, and aint lively in market at that.
Yu kan ketch them in allmoste enny kind ov a trap that haz got a way tew git into it. They are not kunning, and aint diffikult tew suit.
When i waz a boy i trapped every winter for musk rats,323and bought the fust pare ov skates i ever owned with their skins.
I hav seen them in winter setting up on end on the ice, cluss beside their holes, az stiff az an ezklamashun point, and when they see me they change ends and point down, like a semicolon, and that waz the last ov them.
The musk rat haz a flat tale, with no more phur on it than a file haz.
I dont dispize musk rat—oh, no!—but i dont worship him.
He haz but phew sins tew answer for; the chief one iz digging holes in the bank of the Erie kanal, and letting the water brake out. He will hav tew answer for this sumtime.
I luv all the animals, all the bugs, all the beasts, all the insex, all the katterpillars, bekauze they are so natral. They are az mutch, if not more, an evidence tew me ov the existance, the power, and the luv, ov an overruling Providence, as man iz.
I kan see az mutch fust klass natur in an angleworm, akording tew the square inch, az i kan see in an elephant.
I luv tew go phooling around amung the animiles ov all kinds in a warm day; i had rather set down bi the side ov an ant hill and see the whole swarm pitch onto a lazy kuss who won’t work, and run him out ov the diggins, than tew set six hours at the opera and applaud what i don’t understand, and weep at the spot whare the rest do, and pay 3 dollars for the privilege ov doing it.
Themink iz about fourth cuzzin tew the musk rat, and haz sum things in common with him; they both smell alike.
He iz one ov yure land and water citizens, and kan dive deeper, do it quicker, and kum out dryer than enny thing i kno ov.
His phur iz one ov the luxurys ov the present generashun and iz worth az mutch akording tew its size as one dollar bills are.
He haz no very strong pekuliarity ov karakter except hiz perfume, which iz about haff way in its smell between the beaver and the musk rat.
The mink haz 4 times the kunning that the musk rat haz, and iz bilt long and slim like a little girl’s stocking.
They are not handy tew ketch, but when ketched are skinned whole.
I hav trapt a good deal for mink and hav kaught them mity little, for they are almost az hard tew ketch in a trap and keep thare as a ray ov light iz.
Thare iz sum people who hav et mink, and sed it waz good, but i wouldn’t beleave sutch a man under oath, not bekauze he ment tew lie, but bekauze he didn’t kno what the truth waz.
I et a piece ov biled wilekat once, and that haz lasted me ever since, but i never waz parshall tew wild meat ennyhow.
I lived 25 years ov mi life whare game ov all kinds waz plenty. We had bear, oppossum, buffalo and rattlesnaik, and then nights we had draw poker and hi lo Jak, just tew waste the time a leetle.
Thareiz one man in this basement world that i alwus look upon with mixt pheelings ov pitty and respekt.
Pittyandrespekt, az a genral mixtur, don’t mix well.
You will find them both traveling around amungst folks, but not growing on the same bush.
When they do hug each other, they mean sumthing.
Pitty, without respekt, hain’t got much more oats in it than disgust haz.
I had rather a man would hit me on the side ov the hed than tew pitty me.
But thare iz one man in this world to whom i alwus take oph mi hat, and remain uncovered untill he gits safely by, and that iz the distrikt skoolmaster.
When I meet him, I look upon him az a martyr just returning from the stake, or on hiz way thare tew be cooked.
He leads a more lonesum and single life than an old bachelor, and a more anxious one than an old maid.
He iz remembered jist about az long and affektionately az a gide board iz by a traveling pack pedlar.
If he undertakes tew make hiz skollars luv him, the chances are he will neglekt their larning; and if he don’t lick them now and then pretty often, they will soon lick him.
The distrikt skoolmaster hain’t got a friend on the flat side ov earth. The boys snow-ball him during recess; the girls put water in hiz hair die; and the skool committee make him work for haff the money a bartender gits, and board him around the naberhood, whare they giv him rhy coffee, sweetened with mollassis, tew drink, and kodfish bawls 3 times a day for vittles.
And, with all this abuse, I never heard ov a distrikt skoolmaster swareing enny thing louder than—Condem it.
Don’t talk tew me about the pashunce ov anshunt Job.
Job had pretty plenty ov biles all over him, no doubt, but they were all ov one breed.
Every yung one in a distrikt skool iz a bile ov a diffrent breed, and each one needs a diffrent kind ov poultiss tew git a good head on them.
A distrikt skoolmaster, who duz a square job and takes hiz codfish bawls reverently, iz a better man to day tew hav lieing around loose than Soloman would be arrayed in all ov hiz glory.
Soloman waz better at writing proverbs and manageing a large family, than he would be tew navigate a distrikt skool hous.
Enny man who haz kept a distrikt skool for ten years, and boarded around the naberhood, ought tew be made a mager gineral, and hav a penshun for the rest ov hiz natral days, and a hoss and waggin tew do hiz going around in.
But, az a genral consequence, a distrikt skoolmaster hain’t got any more warm friends than an old blind fox houn haz.
He iz jist about az welkum az a tax gatherer iz.
He is respekted a good deal az a man iz whom we owe a debt ov 50 dollars to and don’t mean tew pay.
He goes through life on a back road, az poor az a wood sled, and finally iz missed—but what ever bekums ov hiz remains, i kant tell.
Fortunately he iz not often a sensitive man; if he waz, he couldn’t enny more keep a distrikt skool than he could file a kross kut saw.
Whi iz it that theze men and wimmen, who pashuntly and with crazed brain teach our remorseless brats the tejus meaning ov the alphabet, who take the fust welding heat on their destinys, who lay the stepping stones and enkurrage them tew mount upwards, who hav dun more hard and mean work than enny klass on the futstool, who have prayed over the reprobate, strengthened the timid, restrained the outrageous, and flattered the imbecile, who hav lived on kodfish and vile coffee, and hain’t been heard to sware—whi iz it that they are treated like a vagrant fiddler, danced to for a night, paid oph in the morning, and eagerly forgotten?
I had rather burn a coal pit, or keep the flys out ov a butcher’s shop in the month ov August, than meddle with the distrikt skool bizzness.
Thepompous man iz generally a snob at home and abroad.
He fills himself up with an east wind and thinks he iz grate just bekauze he happens tew feel big.
He talks loud and large, but deceives noboddy who will take the trubble tew meazzure him.
He iz a man ov smallcaliber, but a good deal ovbore.
Hiz family looks upon him az the gratest man that the world haz had the honor to produce lately, and tho he gits snubbed often amungst folks, lie rekompenses himself bi going home and snubbing hiz family.
THE YANKEE, THAT IS ALWAYS REDDY TO ARGUE THE QUESTION.
THE YANKEE, THAT IS ALWAYS REDDY TO ARGUE THE QUESTION.
The one idea man iz like the merino ram, he shuts up both eyes and goze for things inkontinently. He misses, ov course, oftener than he hits, but don’t kno the difference, and is always reddy to argue the question. Yu kant konvince him that he iz wrong enny more than you kan a hornet.
One idea men are their own wust enemys, and there iz but one kure for them, and that iz tew agree with them. If yu think just az they do, they will soon want tew think sum other way, and that lets two ideas git into their hed, which makes them perhaps endurable.
The happy man iz a poor judge of hiz own bliss, for he kant set down and deskribe it.
Happiness iz like helth—thoze who hav the most ov it seem tew kno it the least.
Yu kant go out in the spring ov the year and gather happiness along the side ov the road just the same az you would328dandylions—noboddy but a natral born phool kan do this they are alwus happy, ov course.
When i hear a man bragging how happy he iz, he dont cheat me, he only cheats himself.
The henpecked man iz most generally married; but thare are instances on reckord of single men being harrassed by the pullets.
Yu kan alwus tell one ov theze kind ov men, espeshily if they are in the company ov their wives. They look az humble and resighned tew their fate az a hen turkey in a wet day.
Thare aint nothing that will take the starch out ov a man like being pecked by a woman. It is wuss than a seven months’ turn ov the fever and agy.
The wives ov hen-pecked husbands most alwus out liv their viktims, and I hav known them tew git marrid agin, and git hold ov a man that time (thank the Lord!) who understood all the hen-peck dodges.
One ov these kind ov husbands iz an honor tew his sex.
The hen-pecked man, when he gits out amungst men, puts on an air ov bravery and defiance, and once in a while will git a leetle drunk, and then go home with a firm resolve that he will be captain ov his household; but the old woman soon takes the glory out ov him, and handles him just az she would a haff-grown chicken, who had fell into the swill barrel, and had tew be jerked out dredful quick.
The officious man stands around rubbing his hands, anxious for a job.
He seems tew ake for sumthing tew do, and if he gits snubbed in one place, it don’t seem tew diskourage him, but like the fly, he lights on another.
The officious man iz az free from malice as a young pup, who, if he kant do anything else, iz reddy tew lay down in front of yu and be stept on.
Theze kind ov men spend their whole lives trieing tew make friends ov all, and never succeed with any.
There iz a kind ov officious man, who iz only prompted bi his vanity, hiz anxiety tew be useful tew others don’t arise from enny goodness ov heart, but simply from a desire ov stiking hiz noze into things.
Theze kind ov individuals are supremely disgusting.
The officious man iz generally ov no use whatever tew himself, and a nusance tew everyboddy else.
I don’t know ov but phew more unfortunit disposishuns than the officious mans, for even in its very best phase, it seldom suckceedes in gitting paid for its labors with common politeness.
Thare iz hardly ennything that a man iz so vain ov az the humor that iz in him.
Thephunny maniz seldum an humorist, and never a wit.
Hiz only pride iz tew make you laff; he seldum rizes abuv a jest, and very often iz the only one who kan see enny point even in that.
He iz generally the hero ov the ockashun in the rural distrikts, and kuntry bumbkins laff obstreprous whenever he opens his mouth.
The phunny man iz the clown at large, and hiz jests are sumtimes amuzing, but never remembered.
Thare iz seldum enny taint ov originality in him, and the quips and the quirks he deals in are old saws reset and refiled, and bad enuff done at that.
It iz a dredful unfortunit thing tew deal in cast oph jokes; for, like the old clothes bizzness, they will stick tew a man all thru life.
Impudence, or sumthing like it, iz the leading trait in most suckcessful mens karakters.
All the nice things that hav bin sed in favour ov modesty,330fail tew stand the test when brought into the pull and haul of every-day life.
Bold assurance, while it may often disgust us; will win 9 times out ov 10.
We all ov us praze the modest, but our praze iz only a kind ov pitty, and pitty will ruin enny man.
Enny man will liv four times az long on abuse, and git phatt, az he will on pitty.
Thare iz now and then a man who iz modest, but intensely in earnest, and sutch men sweep everything before them.
The karakter ov the modest man iz a good thing, and a butiful thing tew frame and hang up in a private apartment, but experience teaches us that if we wait for our turn in this world,our turnnever seems tew come round.
The cheeky man never enjoys thoze delightful sensations which arize from having yielded tew others; hiz logick iz that the arly bird gits the worm, and, regardless ov all delikasy, he goze for the worm.
Thare seems tew be nothing now daze that will warrant sukcess like cheek, and the more cheek the better, even if you hav az mutch as a mule.
TheLive Maniz like the little pig; he iz weaned young, and begins tew root arly.
He iz the pepper-sass ov creation—the all-spice ov the world.
OneLive Manin a village is like a case ov itch in a distrikt skool—he sets evry boddy scratching at onst.
A man who kan draw New Orleans molasses in the month ov January, thru a half inch augur-hole, and sing “Home! sweet home!” while the molasis iz running, may be strictly honest, but he aint sudden enuff for this climate.
The Live Man iz az full ov bizness az the conducter ov a street kar—he iz often like a hornet, very bizzy, but about what, the Lord only knows.
He lights up like a cotton faktory, and haint got enny more time tew spare than a skool-boy has Saturday afternoons.
He is like a decoy duck, alwus above water, and lives at least 18 months each year.
He is like a runaway hoss; he gits the whole ov the road.
He trots when he walks, and lies down at night only bekauze everyboddy else duz.
The live man is not always a deep thinker; he jumps at conclusions, just as the frog duz, and don’t alwus land at the spot he is looking at.
He is the Amerikan pet, a perfekt mystery tew foreigners; but he has done more (with charcoal) tew work out the greatness of this country than any other man in it.
He is jist as necessary as the grease on an axle-tree.
He don’t alwus die ritch, but alwus dies bizzy, and meets death a good deal az an oyster duz, without making enny fuss.
Good Lord, deliver us from the Falt finder, one ov yure kronick grunters, i mean. Theze kind ov human critters are alwuss full ov self consait; if tha waz humble and wud dam themself okasionally, i wud try tew pity them. Yure falt-finding old-bachelor, for instanze, odars a pair ov No. 8 boots, and then kolides with his shumaker insted ov his big feet; he walks tew the depo tew saive hack-hire and misses the trane, and then kolides with the time-table; he kourts a gal till she has tew marry sumboddy else tew keep from spileing, and then he don’t believe thare is a vartuous woman living. If he enjoys ennything he dus it under protess, and if ennyboddy else enjoys ennything he knows tha lie about it. He is like a seckund rate bull tarrier, alwus a fiteing, and alwus gitting licked. These kind ov critters never are reddy tew die, bekause tha haint never begun tew live. I never maik their ackquaintanse enny more than i dew sumboddy’s small pox, bekause i am a looking after bright things and haint got enny to lose. Thare aint enny remedee for this dissease but hunger, and that aint parmanent unless it results in starvashun. Good Lord, deliver us from the falt-finder! if yu undertake tew argy with them yu onla flatter them, and332if yu jine in with them yu onla maik them mad with them selfs.
I had rather be a target for awl the bad luk in this wurld than tew go thru life shuteing a pizen arrow at awl the good luk. The more i think ov it, the more i keep thinking that falt-finding iz verry much like bobing for eels with a raw potater; a fust rate wa tew git out ov consait ov awl kinds ov fishing, and a fust rate wa not tew ketch enny eels.
Thare are many singular beins in this world, but i fancy the singularest are thespinsters.
SPINSTERS
Yuinform me, mi dear sir, that yu are a member ov the sosiety “for the prevenshun ov kruelty tew animiles.”
Allow me tew simpathize with yu, bi saying, that i am glad ov it.
It iz a nobel institushun, and standsahedov the prevenshun ov kruelty tew humans.
It iz a fakt, that thoze who are kind tew animiles, are kind tew humans.
I am not acquainted with Mr. Bergh, the president ov yure assosiashun, whom yu speak ov so kindly, i dont kno him personally, but i kno him at a distance, he is very tall.
In yure letter tew me, yu speak very tenderly about the Injuns, and ask me, “if thare aint sum way, tew alleviate the condishun ov the nobel red man on our frontier.”
Yu say yu are willing tew bekum a missionary, and go amung them, and labur for their good.
The injun, mi dear sir, iz a pekuliar kuss.
He haz the most ardent simpathizers amung thoze who dont kno him the muchest.
In the komposishun ov the skool girl, the injun maiden bekums a brik, and when the boys speak about him, they speak ov his bo and arrows, and hiz nobel natur.
Most people kno the injun from the Hiawatha stand point, but i git mi informashun from the kritter himself.
I dont liv amungst him now, but in the early years ov mi misfortunes, in this latitude, i bekum striktly acquainted with the nobel injun az he iz, not so mutch az he ought tew be, nor az poets hav tost him up.
I hav saw him in hiz natiff buty at home, and hav mi opinyun ov him, which i am willing tew impart tew yu, at fust cost.
Mi advice tew yu, iz tew stay with Mr. Bergh, and stick tew the stage hoss, and make him az comfortable az yu kan, and not waste enny philanthropy, nor hallelujah, on the border injun.
Thare ain’t a more villainous individual, now loafing around loose, on the footstool, than Mr. Lo, the injun.
The minnit an injun bekums what yu kall civilized, that minnit he iz spilte.
A civilized injun aint ov enny more use tew himself, az a means ov grace, nor ennyboddy else, than a tame deer.
If thare could be found an iland, in the depths of the sea, whare it waz sure, no white man, nor blak man, nor blue man,334would ever go, it mite do tew stock it, with the injuns now residing on our border, and let them civilize each other.
I am willing tew admit, thare iz a difference in the various tribes ov injuns.
Sum are wuss than others, but civilizashun haz never been ov enny uze tew an injun.
If yu ask enny border man, one who knos the kritters, he will tell yu the same story.
Sunday skools are a good place tew learn the katekism, and git the hang ov the 10 commandments, but tew kno the injun, mi dear sir, yu must go amungst him.
Yu kant studdy injun, and lay around a meeting house all the time, i am sorry for this, but i dont konsider that i am tew blame for it.
As i sed above, stick tew the omnibust hoss, he iz, in mi opinyun, a more fit, and better paying investment, for yure kindness, than the best Blackfeet injun thare iz now in the rocky mountains.
If yu should go amungst this tribe, az a fust class missionary, yu mite eskape with yure life, and possibly with yure skalp, if yu did, you would have sumthing tew brag ov, the rest ov yure life.
The grate trubble iz, the injun wont larn the virtews ov civilizashun, he iz satisfied with larning the vices, and only studdiz how tew improve on them.
Kruelty, and deceit, are the leading artikles in an injuns natur, and yu mite az well undertaik tew break the wiggle out ov a snaix, or the sting out ov a hornet, az tew git theze two vices out ov enny specimen ov human natur, when they form the basis ov karakter.
Kindness towards an injun, is no gurantee ov safety.
When yu are amungst injuns, keep yure hand on yure revolver, and yure eye over yure shoulder.
When i waz a very pretty boy, and fust began tew dwell amung romances, i red menny ov the tales, told so well, about the injun, and thought, how i would like tew be an nobel injun, and hav a wigwam, and foller the bounding deer, and335lay mi venson at the feet ov a dark komplekted buty, and several more things, ov this prerswashun, but sum years after, i found miself on the trail, and had all the injun poetry taken out ov me, never more tew cum back.
BIG REWARD FOR A INDIAN’S HEAD: CAN NOT TELL A LIE, I CUT IT WITH MY LITTLE HATCHET
I dont wish tew hurt ennyboddys aktual pheelings, who have made up their minds, that the injun iz a nobel kritter, but i will say tew them, stay at home, and enjoy yure sentiments.
Dont go amung the nobel red man, now on our frontier, but stay at home, and write sum stanzas about him, and civilize him at a distance.
I hav never had but one plan tew civilize the injun, since i hav got old enuff tew do him enny good, and this plan iz more unique, than elegant.
Mi plan iz simpli thus,—let the government offer 10 dollars for every injun civilized, and let the proof ov civilizashun be the hair ov the injuns head, with the skin attached tew it.
Now menny folks will hold up their hands, in number one horror, at this plan, but i will bet on the plan.
This iz the only way tew civilize the kind ov injun that i am a talking ov, and not hav tew do the work over agin.
I dont klaim tew be the original pattentee ov this plan ov civilizashun, sumthing like it occurred in the palmy daze ov Noah, when the best plan for civilizashun, that could be thought ov, waz tew wipe out the whole race ov human beings and make sum more.
This iz mi plan, for noble red men, on the frontier, wipe them out, but here i pauze, i say, dont make enny more.
Try sum other breed ov human kritter.
Mi opinyun, mi dear sir, about the missionary bizzness, haz alwus bin, that it iz a profitable bizzness, well followed, but thare iz several good ways tew do it, and several good men tew invest in the undertaking.
Sum are kalkulated tew make the good better, sum are kalkulated tew make the better almost perfekt, but thare aint but phew, ov the right bore, kalkulated tew work in the vineyard ov the wild border savage, and thoze, are theze, whoze piety konsists, in shooting at a mark, and hitting the bull’s eye every time.
I say once more, mi friend, stick to the omnibust hoss, and let thoze missionarys, on the borders, the skalps ov whoze wifes, and children, are now hung up az trophys in the wigwams ov the nobel red man, let them civilize the injuns.
They will do it so that it will stay did.
I am the last man tew throw enny thing in the way ov yure gitting a good job, espeshily in the missionary bizzness, but i kant reckomend enny man, tew this partikular situashun, unless i kno he understands the use ov a gain twist rifle, and kan civilize a Pawnee, every time, 440 yards, with a cross wind.
Cunningiz often took for wisdum, but it iz the mere skum that rizes when wisdum biles her pot, it hath not the stride ov wisdum, neither haz it the honesty ov wisdum, it iz more like instinkt, than it iz like reazon.
Cunning ain’t good at begetting, it iz better at executing, it iz like the wisdum ov a kat, fust rate tew watch a rat hole.
The cunning man haz two virtues alwus prominent, patience, and energy, without these he would fall below the kat, and fail tew git hiz mouse.
Thare iz lots ov cunning men who are like an unskillful trapper, who knows how tew set a trap, but hain’t got the wisdum tew bait it.
Cunning men alwus hav a speciality, such az it iz, i hav seen them who could ride a mule tew a spot, but who set a hoss awkwardly.
Thare iz this average between a cunning man and a wise man, the cunning man’s wisdum iz alwus on the outside ov hiz face, he kant hide it, it iz alwus squirting out ov the corner ov his eyes, while the wize man carrys hiz grist deep, stowed away in hiz heart, and don’t use hiz wisdum tew find ockasions, but tew master them, when they pop up.
Cunning men have grate caution, bekauze they serpoze themselfs watched, inasmutch az they are alwus watching others.
They hav but few brains, but what they hav, are petroleum, and their brains being few, and greasy, enables them tew fetch them tew a focus sudden.
It iz hard work to be very cunning and very honest, at the same time, i reckon this, bekauze i dont see the two hugging and kissing each other very much.
Cunning haz a skandalous pedigree, he iz the babe ov wisdum, and Fraud, and iz the only child they ever had, but looks and ackts just like his ma.
It would take a big book tew make an almanack ov a cunning man, and the changes in him, fits, starts, and doubles, and hiz windings, hiz in’s and hiz outs, the parables in which he talks, and the double entenders ov hiz face, awl that he duz, and awl that he thinks, are for effekt.
Cunning men’s advice iz hard tew follow, bekause their wisdum iz made like a bed quilt, out ov patches, and iz also composed ov shifts, for the emergincy ov an ockasion, tew mutch for a stiddy diet.
If you don’t understand wiggling yourself, or the rudiments ov it, yu must not git yure advice from the cunning man.
Cunning haz alwus passed for wisdum, and will continue338on to do so, az long az phools last, and phools will last az long az enny boddy else duz, and sustane their reputashun.
Cunning iz alwus selfish, bekauze it iz not ov mutch breadth, while wisdum can afford tew be magnanimous, and hav sumthing left over.
But the ways and dodges ov cunning are past finding out, yu might az well undertake tew track a snake in the grass, when the dew iz off, or a fox, in a straight line tew hiz hole.
Cunning men are not very dangerous, they hav so mutch vanity, and their vanity satisfied their ambition iz, and when vanity takes the place ov ambishun, we are more amuzed than alarmed.
Cunning men, in the hands ov wize men, are useful, more useful, quite often, than honesty, bekauze they are more sudden, and less sempelous.
It is safer tew entrust a sekret tew a cunning man, than a clever man, the clever man is sure tew spill it, the cunning one may use it aginst yu, but he iz eazier tew watch, and control, than the good natured fellow, who, like a young pup, lays down, rools over, and wags himself in front ov evry man he meets.
Cunning men hav manny associates, but few intimates, they sumtimes hunt in couples, but are apt tew fight, when they cum to divide the plunder.
The Deceitful Cuss.—An open enemy, a hearty hater, a bold dead-beater, an imperious friend, a phoolish chum, a reckless companyun, anything in shape ov human, or ov brute, and even aul things devlish, are mince pies with raizins in them, compared tew a slipping, sneakingDeceit, who, under the guize and garments ov being in love with you, chaws tobbaker out ov yure box, and lies tew yu evry time he tells yu the truth.
Theze human polecats are thick in this world, their eyes are like the kats, made tew see in the dark, they hav the face ov a sheep, and the heart ov a snaik, they kan kry at an impromptu christening, they are az full ov cunning az a she opposum, and would rather fail in an enterprise than to do it honestly.
These critters, az awkward as it may seem, are full ov vanity and ambishun, and their vanity and ambishun iz tew play lion under a sheep’s skin.
It iz a strange ambishun that a man will cultivate wisdum only for the sake ov being cunning, that he will perfect himself in the art and imagery of love and friendship for the sake ov counterfitting them, that he will studdy pitty for gain, that he will work hard for the devil at 2 shillings a day, and finally, that he will practiss the rudiments ov awl the virtews ov soshul life, simply for the sake ov doing with a good grace what iz shameful and wicked to do at all.
I havknownmen ov this brand, who where not wholly malishus, who would aktually dew yu a good turn to-morrow if they could cheat yu to-day, who deceive not entirely for gain, but tew keep their tools whet, who hav sum excellent traits, which sumtimes drop out seemingly by mistake.
But a natral crook toward deception iz like the bight ov a mad dogg, it may sleep for a long time in the veins ov its viktim, very well behaved pizen, watching for a good time, but sooner or later, when least expekted, the virus begins tew play dorg by asserting its dredful prerogative.
It don’t cure theze vermin tew ketch them, if they waz rats, which we could drown in the trap, it would be bully, but letting them go only makes them the more cunning.
Deception iz one ov the sciences, it haz its deakons, elders and hod carriers, the world swarms with them, all ov the pimps among them, such az the wodden nutmeg makers, and the small beer-cheats, we kan punish enuff by dispising, but what reward, short ov the gibbet, or at least the whipping post, iz equal tew the villainous cuss who creeps on hiz body into yure confidense, a subdued and shivering snake, and warms up into a viper.
Ingratitude iz one ov them diabolikal crimes that awl men hate, but leave the punishment to heaven.
TheDomestik Maniz ov a maskuline and feminine tendency—half and half—and sumtimes more so.
He kan most generally be found at home—when he aint wanted.
He iz a kind ov second lutennant in hiz family, under haff pay, with promiss of promoshun.
He kan beat hiz wife bileing soap, or nussing the baby, and she kan beat him, in the 4th ward, running for perlice constabel.
He iz alwus reddy tew do ennything—when hiz wife iz.
He iz a kind ov spy in the household, and iz treated az such by the whole family. The servants laff at him, and the children dont fear him.
He iz az fierce as an old hen setting on one egg, and just about az dangerous.
Hiz wife marrid him, not out ov love, but out ov pitty; and pitty never changes into respekt, but gennerally into disgust.
The Generous Man.—Generosity iz an instinkt—a kind ov natral crook—a weird child ov the heart.
It iz diffrent from profusion; profusion iz most alwus the decoy duck ov vanity.
Generosity iz diffrent from charity; charity iz the impulse ov reason.
It iz diffrent from justiss—justiss iz 16 ounces tew the pound, and no more.
Generosity iz sumthing more than justiss, and sumthing less than profusion; it iz the good a man duz, without being able tew give enny reazon for it.
If a man iz alwus genrous he will alwus be right, or will hav a good excuse for what seems tew be wrong.
Generosity iz bravery, and it iz truth: no one ever saw a generous man who waz a coward or a liar.
Generosity sumtimes may lack prudence, but it never lacks faith, and faith haz won holier laurels than prudence ever did.
The generous man chastens hiz gifts with the assurance that the giver iz az happy in the gift az the receiver iz.
He takes the fust swaller out ov the dipper, and smacking hiz lips, insists upon your drinking the balance awl up.
Poverty haz no power over generosity enny more than it haz over love.
This iz my idee ov the kind ov generosity that I am writing about.
Theloafer iz a human being who iz willing tew be dispized just for the privilege ov abuzing others.
He occupys all grades in sosiety, from the judge on the bench klean doun to the ragged thing in britches who leans aginst a lamp-post and fites flys in August.
FREQUENT KRITTERS.
FREQUENT KRITTERS.
He haz hiz circle ov friends, whare hiz koarse jests are re-echoed, and whare to be in hiz konfidence iz konsidered an honor.
He iz not alwus destitute ov kommon sense, and quite often iz the author ov jests which pass upon the unwary for humor and even wit.
He haz no pride that is worthy, and haz no delikasy that enny boddy kan hurt.
During hiz boyhood he kills kats and sells their hides to the hatters, and robs all the hens’ nests and arly apple trees in the naborhood.
During hiz middle life he begs all the tobacco he uses, and drinks all the cheap whisky he kan at sumboddy else’s expense.
During hiz old age he winters in the alms-houses, and summers in the sugar hogsheds, and when he comes tew die he iz342buried in a dich, like an omnibus hoss, with hiz old shoes on.
This iz a trew ackount ov the life and adventures ov the ordinary loafer, and yet there are thousands ov human kritters coming onto the platform ov life every six months whoze only ambishun iz to be successful loafers.
The loafer kares nothing for publik opinyun, and this alone, will make any man a loafer.
The loafer rather covets disgrace ov all kinds, and when a man gits az low down az this, he haz got az low down az he kan git without digging.
The projektor iz a man with one idee, and that idee iz often like a paving stun, the hardest kind ov a thing tew hatch out, and when it iz hatched out, yu kan’t alwus tell what kind ov a breed the thing iz.
He haz been bizzy at work for the last 4 thousand years trieing tew bild perpetual moshun, and haz cum within 3 quarters ov an inch ov it sevral times, but alwus slips up jist az he reaches out tew grab it.
He haz dun sum dredful good things for mankind, but too often iz ov no more use in the world, than an extra pump iz.
The projektor iz alwus a man ov genius, but hiz genius iz frequently like the genius ov a goose, thare ain’t no one kan beat them at standing on one legg.
I hav known theze breed ov pholks tew drag out a long life, richer in their own estimashun than Crœsus, and poorer in the opinyun ov others than Lazarus.
They seldum reap enny gain from their invenshuns, and if ever they do diskover perpetual moshun, they will sell the principle tew sum kunning kuss, for 17 or 18 dollars, and starve tew death on the glory ov it.
I hav known several ov these poor phellows in mi life, and only knew them tew pitty them, for they are az tender, all over, az spring lam, and az eazy tew cheat az a blind baby.
I hav a friend who iz a projektor. I kant tell what partikular pholly he iz at work at now, but sum one I am sure, for343thare aint on the whole arth, a more bizzy kritter than the man, who iz sure that to-morrow will put the finishing touches tew hiz pattent rite plan, for threading the rong end ov a kambrik needle, or his resipee for making soft sope out ov calfs liver.
But we kant spare the projektors, all that we can hope for iz, that too menny ov them wont spend a whole life in making a juse harp that will play Yankee doodle backwards, and finally die, and leave the tune haff finished.
Thare iz two kinds ov phools, at the date ov this article, laying around loose in the world, one iz thenatral, and the other iz thekondem.
Thare iz sum other kind ov phools besides these, which I shall tutch lightly before I git thru.
The natral phool kant help it, he iz born like the daizy, bi the side ov the road, just to nod, and to be sport for the winds.
He haz no destiny to phill, that we know ov, but hiz Heavenly Father will care for him, for He cares for the koarse weed and the rank thissell.
The kondem phool iz a self-made man, and iz entitled tew all the credit ov the job.
Natur turns him out loose into the world, jist as she duz her other works, with all hiz fakultys in good order, but like a ram in a bak lot, he undertaiks tew knok down a stun fence with hiz head, and finds the stun fence too much for the ockashun.
He often haz a hed phull ov branes, but like a swarm ov beeze, they keep up sich a buzzing they bewilder him.
The kondem phool generally lacks but one thing tew make him all the the suckcess he could ask for, and that one thing iz common sense.
Common sense iz all greek tew these kind ov phellows, they kan often rite poetry that reads az smooth and sweet az ile and molassis mixt together, and kan even deliver lekturs all around the kuntry, but one dose ov common sense would344take all the starch out ov them, and leave them az limpsey az the nek ov a ded goslin.
The kondem phool iz the kauze ov most all trubble thare iz in this world, he ain’t alwus malishus, but iz alwus a phool.
I divide the populashun ov the whole world into 2 heaps, and out ov respect for the parable ov the virgins in the bible, i call 5 ov them wize and 5 ov them foolish.
It is verry easy tew be a kondem phool, enny boddy kan be one, and not suspekt it.
Thare iz a large invoice ov phools just now pressing upon the market, but the market for them iz stiddy, the demand alwus being phull up tew the supply.
I rekolekt ov onst saying, upon a memorabel ockashun, (i dont rekolek the ockashun now,) God bless the phools, and don’t let them run out, for if it want for them, the rest ov the world would be bothered tew git a good living.
Among the list ov prominent phools, i take the liberty tew introduce the following:
The “Profeshional Phool,” one who travels for a living.
The “Wag Phool,” one who is a phool on private ackount.
The “Bizzness Phool,” one who either Bulls or Bears everything in the market.
The “Radikal Phool,” one who kant help it.
The “Conservatiff Phool,” one who kan help it, but wont.
The “Meek Phool,” one who sez he prefers kodphish bawls to porterhous stakes, or even quales on toast.
The “Hipreshure Phool,” one who, like the hornet, alwus keeps mad in advance, so az tew be reddy for the ockashun.
The “Silly Phool,” one who thinks the whole civilized world iz in luv with him.
The “Wise Phool,” one who thinks he knoze all things, and luvs everyboddy.
And four thousand, 3 hundred and 36 other distinkt kinds ov phools, which i haint got the pashunce tew elucidate now.
The “Precise Man,” sumtimes parts hiz hare in the middle, And when he duz, he kounts the hairs on each side ov hiz hed,345and splits sum, if it iz necessary, tew make the thing ded even.
If he iz a marrid man, everything must be jist so—if he iz a bachelor it must be more so.
He alwus sets a hen on 12 eggs, and haz a grate horror for all odd numbers.
He gits up at jist sitch a time in the morning, and goes tew bed at jist sitch a time at night, and would as soon think ov taking a dose ov striknine for the hikcups az tew kut oph a dogs tale when the moon waz in the laste quarter.
The precise man haz but phew branes, and they are az well broke az a setter dog’s, for he seldum makes a false point.
He iz a bundle of fakts and figgers, and iz az handy in the naberhood az a pair ov platform skales or a reddy rekoner.
He iz invariably an honest man, but often az mutch from pride az from principle.
He luvs hiz children, if he haz any, and would rather hav them perfekt in the multiplikashun table than in the Illiad ov Homer.
Hiz wife iz soon broke tew akt and think az he duz, and she iz known fur and near for the excellence ov her softe sope.
The laste thing he alwus duz Saturday night iz tew grease hiz boots, and the fust thing Sunday morning iz tew wind up the old wodden klok in the kitchen.
He iz generally respekted during life, and after he iz ded and gone hiz children keep his fame fresh by pointing out with pride the korner whare his kane alwus stood and peg whare his hat alwus hung.
Theobtuse man iz sawed off square at both ends, and iron bound like a beetle.
He finds out the hard spot in things by running aginst346them, and like the merino ram, shuts up both eyes when he butts.
It iz az hard tew git an idee into him az it iz tew git a wedge into a pepperidge log.
He alwus sez “Yes” to what he don’t understand, and iz az hard tew argy out ov a conceit az a dog iz out ov a bone.
He often sets himself up for a wise man, and sumtimes a wit, but i never knu one tew think he waz a bore.
He goes thru life hed fust, and when he cums tew die he iz az well seasoned az a foot-ball.
If he waz a going tew liv hiz life over again, he tells yu, he wouldn’t alter it, only he would eat more raw onions and be a hard-shell baptist.
Every man remembers him az a man too stubborn tew be very viscious, with a few ideas, sum ov which he inherited, but most ov which he got by sleeping with hiz mouth wide open.
The posatiff man bets hiz last dollar on a kard and looses, and then tells yu he knew he shouldn’t win.
He alwus knows what will happen 3 weeks from now, and if it don’t happen he knew that too.
If he falls down on the ice and breaks hiz leg it want an accident, it waz sumthing that couldn’t help but happen.
He iz az certain ov everything az a mule iz anxious tew hit what he kicks at.
Yu kant tell him ennything new, nor ennything old, he iz more certain ov things than Webster’s unabridged dickshionary.
The less certain yu are the more posatiff he iz.
He never made but one blunder in hiz life and that turned out at last tew be a good hit.
The posatiff man haz too little cunning tew be very malishus, he iz generally happy, bekauze he iz posatiff ov it, and tho he gits things wrong oftner than he duz right, people are pleazed at hiz blunders bekauze he iz so much in earnest.
The cross man goes thru life like a sore-headed dog, followed by flies.
He iz az sour az a pot-bellyed pickle, and like a skein of silk, iz alwus reddy for a snarl.
He iz like an old hornet, mad all the way through, but about what, he kan’t tell, tew save hiz life.
Everyboddy at home fears him, and everyboddy in the street dispizes him.
He mistakes sullenness for bravery, and bekauze he feels savage, everyboddy else must feel humble.
Thare iz no grater coward in the world than the cross man, nor none eazyer tew kure.
He iz eazyer tew kure than the stummuk ake, for one good knok down will do so.
The pashunt man never sez “dam it,” however much he may think so.
He iz so well-ballanced that it takes at least fifty pounds ov musketeze tew turn hiz skales.
He kan’t tell yu what makes him so pashunt if yu ask him; it may be nothing but numbness after all.
Pashunce iz like enny other virtew, its value konsists in its power tew resist temptashun.
It ain’t but little trubble for a graven image tew be pashunt, not even in fly time.
Real pashunce stands amung the virtews, like genius amung the gifts; in fakt, pashunce, iz the genius ov virtew.
The best thing i kno ov, tew try a man’s pashunce on, iz a kicking heifer, if he finds himself praying for the heifer every time she kicks, he haz got pashunce on the heart, and brain both.
The funny man kan’t open hiz mouth without letting a joke fly out, like ginger pop, when the kork iz pulled out.
Thare iz no genuine wit in the simply funny man, hiz only desire iz tew make yu laff, and real wit don’t stoop so low.
The funny man’s jokes are at best only jests, sumtimes he reaches tew the dignity ov a poor pun, and hiz vanity then absorbs all hiz humor.
It iz an awful thing tew be a funny man, it iz almost az dredful az the counterfiting bizzness.
Thare iz no stattue aginst joking, but thare ought tew be, not that I think a good joke iz criminal, but they are so scarce, they are suspicious. I am the last man who wants tew see enny real wit leave this world, for i think genuine wit, iz az good az religion.
Honest men are skarse, and are a going tew be skarser.
Thare grate scarsity iz what makes them valuable.
If every boddy waz honest, the supply would ruin the demand.
Honesty iz like money, a man haz tew work hard tew git it, and then work harder tew keep it.
Adam waz the fust honest man we hav enny ackount ov, and hiz honesty want ov mutch ackount.
You couldn’t put yure finger on Adam, for in the garden ov Eden, when he waz wanted, he couldn’t be found.
Old deakon Skinner, ov lower Pordunk village, waz an honest man, he wouldn’t hunt for hen’s eggs on sunday, but he waz an awful cluss man, he set a hen once, on three eggs, just tew save eggs.
Thesquare man meazzures the same each way, and haint got no wainny edges, nor shaky lumber in him.
He is free from knots and sap, and won’t warp.
He iz klear stuff, and I don’t kare what yu work him up into, he won’t swell, and he won’t shrink.