ACT THE FOURTH.

EnterWildair,interposing.

Sir H.'Tis all to no purpose; I told you so before; your pitiful five guineas will never do. You may go; I'll outbid you.

Clinch. jun.What the devil! the madman's here again.

Lady D.Bless me, cousin, what d'ye mean? Affront a gentleman of his quality in my house?

Clinch. jun.Quality!—Why, madam, I don't know what you mean by your madmen, and your beaux, and your quality——they're all alike, I believe.

Lady D.Pray, sir, walk with me into the next room.

[ExitLady Darling,leadingClincher,Dickyfollowing.

Ang.Sir, if your conversation be no more agreeable than 'twas the last time, I would advise you to make your visit as short as you can.

Sir H.The offences of my last visit, madam, bore their punishment in the commission; and have made me as uneasy till I receive pardon, as your ladyship can be till I sue for it.

Ang.Sir Harry, I did not well understand the offence, and must therefore proportion it to the greatness of your apology; if you would, therefore, have me think it light, take no great pains in an excuse.

Sir H.How sweet must the lips be that guard that tongue! Then, madam, no more of past offences; let us prepare for joys to come. Let this seal my pardon.

[Kisses her Hand.

Ang.Hold, sir: one question, Sir Harry, and pray answer plainly—D'ye love me?

Sir H.Love you! Does fire ascend? Do hypocrites dissemble? Usurers love gold, or great men flattery? Doubt these, then question that I love.

Ang.This shows your gallantry, sir, but not your love.

Sir H.View your own charms, madam, then judge my passion.

Ang.If your words be real, 'tis in your power to raise an equal flame in me.

Sir H.Nay, then, I seize——

Ang.Hold, sir; 'tis also possible to make me detest and scorn you worse than the most profligate of your deceiving sex.

Sir H.Ha! a very odd turn this. I hope, madam, you only affect anger, because you know your frowns are becoming.

Ang.Sir Harry, you being the best judge of your own designs, can best understand whether my anger should be real or dissembled; think what strict modesty should bear, then judge of my resentment.

Sir H.Strict modesty should bear! Why, 'faith, madam, I believe, the strictest modesty may bear fifty guineas, and I don't believe 'twill bear one farthing more.

Ang.What d'ye mean, sir?

Sir H.Nay, madam, what do you mean? If you go to that. I think now, fifty guineas is a fine offer for your strict modesty, as you call it.

Ang.I'm afraid you're mad, sir.

Sir H.Why, madam, you're enough to make any man mad. 'Sdeath, are you not a——

Ang.What, sir?

Sir H.Why, a lady of—strict modesty, if you will have it so.

Ang.I shall never hereafter trust common report, which represented you, sir, a man of honour, wit, and breeding; for I find you very deficient in them all three.[Exit.

Sir H.Now I find, that the strict pretences, which the ladies of pleasure make to strict modesty, is the reason why those of quality are ashamed to wear it.

EnterVizard.

Vizard.Ah! Sir Harry, have I caught you? Well, and what success?

Sir H.Success! 'Tis a shame for you young fellows in town here, to let the wenches grow so saucy. I offered her fifty guineas, and she was in her airs presently, and flew away in a huff. I could have had a brace of countesses in Paris for half the money, andje vous remercieinto the bargain.

Vizard.Gone in her airs, say you! and did not you follow her?

Sir H.Whither should I follow her?

Vizard.Into her bedchamber, man; she went on purpose. You a man of gallantry, and not understand that a lady's best pleased when she puts on her airs, as you call it!

Sir H.She talked to me of strict modesty, and stuff.

Vizard.Certainly. Most women magnify their modesty, for the same reason that cowards boast their courage—because they have least on't. Come, come, Sir Harry, when you make your next assault, encourage your spirits with brisk Burgundy: if you succeed, 'tis well; if not, you have a fair excuse for your rudeness. I'll go in, and make your peace for what's past. Oh, I had almost forgot——Colonel Standard wants to speak with you about some business.

Sir H.I'll wait upon him presently; d'ye know where he may be found?

Vizard.In the piazza of Covent Garden, about an hour hence, I promised to see him: and there you may meet him—to have your throat cut. [Aside.] I'll go in and intercede for you.

Sir H.But no foul play with the lady, Vizard.[Exit.

Vizard.No fair play, I can assure you.[Exit.

The Street beforeLady Lurewell'sLodgings.Clincher Senior,andLurewell,coquetting in the Balcony.—EnterStandard.

Colonel S.How weak is reason in disputes of love! I've heard her falsehood with such pressing proofs, that I no longer should distrust it. Yet still my love would baffle demonstration, and make impossibilities seem probable. [Looks up.] Ha! That fool too! What, stoop so low as that animal?—'Tis true, women once fallen, like cowards in despair, will stick at nothing; there's no medium in their actions. They must be bright as angels, or black as fiends. But now for my revenge; I'll kick her cully before her face, call her whore, curse the whole sex, and leave her.[Goes in.

A Dining Room.EnterLady LurewellandClincher Senior.

Lady L.Oh lord, sir, it is my husband! What will become of you?

Clinch. sen.Ah, your husband! Oh, I shall be murdered! What shall I do? Where shall I run? I'll creep into an oven—I'll climb up the chimney—I'll fly—I'll swim;——I wish to the lord I were at the Jubilee now.

Lady L.Can't you think of any thing, sir?

Clinch. sen.Think! not I; I never could think to any purpose in my life.

Lady L.What do you want, sir?

EnterTom Errand.

Tom.Madam, I am looking for Sir Harry Wildair; I saw him come in here this morning; and did imagine he might be here still, if he is not gone.

Lady L.A lucky hit! Here, friend, change clothes with this gentleman, quickly, strip.

Clinch. sen.Ay, ay, quickly strip; I'll give you half a crown to boot. Come here; so.

[They change Clothes.

Lady L.Now slip you [ToClinch Senior.] down stairs, and wait at the door till my husband be gone; and get you in there [ToTom Errand.] till I call you.

[PutsErrandin the next Room.

EnterColonel Standard.

Oh, sir, are you come? I wonder, sir, how you have the confidence to approach me, after so base a trick.

Colonel S.Oh, madam, all your artifices won't avail.

Lady L.Nay, sir, your artifices won't avail. I thought, sir, that I gave you caution enough against troubling me with Sir Harry Wildair's company, when I sent his letters back by you; yet you, forsooth, must tell him where I lodged, and expose me again to his impertinent courtship!

Colonel S.I expose you to his courtship!

Lady L.I'll lay my life you'll deny it now. Come, come, sir: a pitiful lie is as scandalous to a red coat, as an oath to a black.

Colonel S.You're all lies; first, your heart is false; your eyes are double; one look belies another; and then your tongue does contradict them all—Madam, I see a little devil just now hammering out a lie in your pericranium.

Lady L.As I hope for mercy, he's in the right on't.[Aside.

Colonel. S.Yes, yes, madam, I exposed you to the courtship of your fool Clincher, too; I hope your female wiles will impose that upon me——also——

Lady L.Clincher! Nay, now you're stark mad. I know no such person.

Colonel S.Oh, woman in perfection! not know him! 'Slife, madam, can my eyes, my piercing jealous eyes, be so deluded? Nay, madam, my nose could not mistake him; for I smelt the fop by his pulvilio, from the balcony down to the street.

Lady L.The balcony! ha! ha! ha! the balcony! I'll be hanged but he has mistaken Sir Harry Wildair's footman, with a new French livery, for a beau.

Colonel S.'Sdeath, madam! what is there in me that looks like a cully? Did I not see him?

Lady L.No, no, you could not see him; you're dreaming, colonel. Will you believe your eyes, now that I have rubbed them open?—Here, you friend.

EnterTom Errand,inClincher Senior'sClothes.

Colonel S.This is illusion all; my eyes conspire against themselves. Tis legerdemain.

Lady L.Legerdemain! Is that all your acknowledgment for your rude behaviour?—Oh, what a curse is it to love as I do!—Begone sir, [ToTom Errand.] to your impertinent master, and tell him I shall never be at leisure to receive any of his troublesome visits.—Send to me to know when I should be at home!—Begone, sir. [ExitTom Errand.] I am sure he has made me an unfortunate woman.[Weeps.

Colonel S.Nay, then there is no certainty in nature; and truth is only falsehood well disguised.

Lady L.Sir, had not I owned my fond, foolish passion, I should not have been subject to such unjust suspicions: but it is an ungrateful return.[Weeping.

Colonel S.Now, where are all my firm resolves? I hope, madam, you'll pardon me, since jealousy, that magnified my suspicion, is as much the effect of love, as my easiness in being satisfied.

Lady L.Easiness in being satisfied! No, no, sir; cherish your suspicions, and feed upon your jealousy: 'tis fit meat for your squeamish stomach.

With me all women should this rule pursue:Who think us false, should never find us true.[Exit in a Rage.

EnterClincher SeniorinTom Errand'sClothes.

Clinch. sen.Well, intriguing is the prettiest, pleasantest thing for a man of my parts.—How shall we laugh at the husband, when he is gone?—How sillily he looks! He's in labour of horns already.—To make a colonel a cuckold! 'Twill be rare news for the alderman.

Colonel S.All this Sir Harry has occasioned; but he's brave, and will afford me a just revenge.—Oh, this is the porter I sent the challenge by——Well sir, have you found him?

Clinch. sen.What the devil does he mean now?

Colonel S.Have you given Sir Harry the note, fellow?

Clinch. sen.The note! what note?

Colonel S.The letter, blockhead, which I sent by you to Sir Harry Wildair; have you seen him?

Clinch. sen.Oh, lord, what shall I say now? Seen him? Yes, sir—no, sir.—I have, sir—I have not, sir.

Colonel S.The fellow's mad. Answer me directly, sirrah, or I'll break your head.

Clinch. sen.I know Sir Harry very well, sir; but as to the note, sir, I can't remember a word on't: truth is, I have a very bad memory.

Colonel S.Oh, sir, I'll quicken your memory.[Strikes him.

Clinch. sen.Zouns, sir, hold!—I did give him the note.

Colonel S.And what answer?

Clinch. sen.I mean, I did not give him the note.

Colonel S.What, d'ye banter, rascal?[Strikes him again.

Clinch. sen.Hold, sir, hold! He did send an answer.

Colonel S.What was't, villain?

Clinch. sen.Why, truly sir, I have forgot it: I told you that I had a very treacherous memory.

Colonel S.I'll engage you shall remember me this month, rascal.

[Beats him, and exit.

EnterLurewellandParly.

Lady L.Oh, my poor gentleman! and was it beaten?

Clinch. sen.Yes, I have been beaten. But where's my clothes? my clothes?

Lady L.What, you won't leave me so soon, my dear, will ye?

Clinch. sen.Will ye!—If ever I peep into the colonel's tent again, may I be forced to run the gauntlet. But my clothes, madam.

Lady L.I sent the porter down stairs with them: did not you meet him?

Clinch. sen.Meet him? No, not I.

Parly.No! He went out at the back door, and is run clear away, I'm afraid.

Clinch. sen.Gone, say you, and with my clothes, my fine Jubilee clothes?—Oh, the rogue, the thief!—I'll have him hang'd for murder—But how shall I get home in this pickle?

Parly.I'm afraid, sir, the colonel will be back presently, for he dines at home.

Clinch. sen.Oh, then I must sneak off. Was ever such an unfortunate beau, To have his coat well thrash'd, and lose his coat also![Exit.

Parly.Methinks, madam, the injuries you have suffered by men must be very great, to raise such heavy resentments against the whole sex;—and, I think, madam, your anger should be only confined to the author of your wrongs.

Lady L.The author! alas, I know him not.

Parly.Not know him? Tis odd, madam, that a man should rob you of that same jewel, and you not know him.

Lady L.Leave trifling: 'tis a subject that always sours my temper: but since, by thy faithful service, I have some reason to confide in your secresy, hear the strange relation.—Some twelve years ago, I lived at my father's house in Oxfordshire, blest with innocence, the ornamental, but weak guard of blooming beauty. Then it happened that three young gentlemen from the university coming into the country, and being benighted, and strangers, called at my father's: he was very glad of their company, and offered them the entertainment of his house.

Parly.Which they accepted, no doubt. Oh, these strolling collegians are never abroad, but upon some mischief.

Lady L.Two of them had a heavy, pedantic air: but the third——

Parly.Ah, the third, madam—the third of all things, they say, is very critical.

Lady L.He was—but in short, nature formed him for my undoing. His very looks were witty, and his expressive eyes spoke softer, prettier things, than words could frame.

Parly.There will be mischief by and by; I never heard a woman talk so much of eyes, but there were tears presently after.

Lady L.My father was so well pleased with his conversation, that he begged their company next day; they consented, and next night, Parly——

Parly.Ah, next night, madam——next night (I'm afraid) was a night indeed.

Lady L.He bribed my maid, with his gold, out of her modesty; and me, with his rhetoric, out of my honour. [Weeps.] He swore that he would come down from Oxford in a fortnight, and marry me.

Parly.The old bait, the old bait—I was cheated just so myself. [Aside.] But had not you the wit to know his name all this while?

Lady L.He told me that he was under an obligation to his companions, of concealing himself then, but, that he would write to me in two days, and let me know his name and quality. After all the binding oaths of constancy, I gave him a ring with this motto—"Love and Honour"—then we parted, and I never saw the dear deceiver more.

Parly.No, nor never will, I warrant you.

Lady L.I need not tell my griefs, which my father's death made a fair pretence for; he left me sole heiress and executrix to three thousand pounds a year: at last, my love for this single dissembler turned to a hatred of the whole sex; and, resolving to divert my melancholy, I went to travel. Here I will play my last scene; then retire to my country-house, and live solitary. We shall have that old impotent lecher, Smuggler, here to-night; I have a plot to swinge him, and his precise nephew, Vizard.

Parly.I think, madam, you manage every body that comes in your way.

Lady L.No, Parly; those men, whose pretensions I found just and honourable, I fairly dismissed, by letting them know my firm resolutions never to marry, But those villains, that would attempt my honour, I've seldom failed to manage.

Parly.What d'ye think of the colonel, madam? I suppose his designs are honourable.

Lady L.That man's a riddle; there's something of honour in his temper that pleases; I'm sure he loves me too, because he's soon jealous, and soon satisfied.—But hang him, I have teased him enough—Besides, Parly, I begin to be tired of my revenge: but this buss and guinea I must maul once more. I'll hansel his woman's clothes for him. Go, get me pen and ink; I must write to Vizard too.

Fortune, this once assist me as before:Two such machines can never work in vain,As thy propitious wheel, and my projecting brain.[Exeunt.

Covent Garden.EnterSir H. WildairandColonel Standard,meeting.

Colonel S.I thought, Sir Harry, to have met you ere this in a more convenient place; but since my wrongs were without ceremony, my revenge shall be so too.—Draw, sir.

Sir H.Draw, sir! What shall I draw?

Colonel S.Come, come, sir, I like your facetious humour well enough; it shows courage and unconcern. I know you brave, and therefore use you thus. Draw your sword.

Sir H.Nay, to oblige you, I will draw; but the devil take me if I fight.—Perhaps, colonel, this is the prettiest blade you have seen.

Colonel S.I doubt not but the arm is good; and therefore think both worth my resentment. Come, sir.

Sir H.But, pr'ythee, colonel, dost think that I am such a madman, as to send my soul to the devil and body to the worms—upon every fool's errand?[Aside.

Colonel S.I hope you're no coward, sir.

Sir H.Coward, sir! I have eight thousand pounds a year, sir.

Colonel S.You fought in the army, to my knowledge.

Sir H.Ay, for the same reason that I wore a red coat; because 'twas fashionable.

Colonel S.Sir, you fought a French count in Paris.

Sir H.True, sir, he was a beau, like myself. Now you're a soldier, colonel, and fighting's your trade; and I think it downright madness to contend with any man in his profession.

Colonel S.Come, sir, no more dallying; I shall take very unseemly methods, if you don't show yourself a gentleman.

Sir H.A gentleman! Why, there again, now. A gentleman! I tell you once more, colonel, that I am a baronet, and have eight thousand pounds a year. I can dance, sing, ride, fence, understand the languages—Now I can't conceive how running you through the body should contribute one jot more to my gentility. But pray, colonel, I had forgot to ask you, what's the quarrel?

Colonel S.A woman, sir.

Sir H.Then I put up my sword. Take her.

Colonel S.Sir, my honour's concerned.

Sir H.Nay, if your honour be concerned with a woman, get it out of her hands as soon as you can.—An honourable lover is the greatest slave in nature: some will say, the greatest fool. Come, come, colonel, this is something about the Lady Lurewell, I warrant; I can give you satisfaction in that affair.

Colonel S.Do so then immediately.

Sir H.Put up your sword first; you know I dare fight, but I had much rather make you a friend than an enemy. I can assure you this lady will prove too hard for one of your temper. You have too much honour, too much in conscience, to be a favourite with the ladies.

Colonel S.I'm assured, sir, she never gave you any encouragement.

Sir H.A man can never hear reason with his sword in his hand. Sheath your weapon; and then, if I don't satisfy you, sheath it in my body.

Colonel S.Give me but demonstration of her granting you any favour, and it is enough.

Sir H.Will you take my word?

Colonel S.Pardon me, sir, I cannot.

Sir H.Will you believe your own eyes?

Colonel S.'Tis ten to one whether I shall or no; they have deceived me already.

Sir H.That's hard—but some means I shall devise for your satisfaction—[Noise.]—We must fly this place, else that cluster of mob will overwhelm us.[Exeunt.

EnterMob,Tom Errand'sWife hurrying inClincher SeniorinErrand'sClothes.

Wife.Oh! the villain, the rogue, he has murdered my husband. Ah, my poor Timothy![Crying.

Clinch. sen.Dem your Timothy!—your husband has murdered me, woman; for he has carried away my fine Jubilee clothes.

Mob.Away with him——away with him to the Thames.

Clinch. sen.Oh, if I had but my swimming girdle now!

EnterConstable.

Const.Hold, neighbours, I command the peace.

Wife.Oh, Mr. Constable, here's a rogue that has murdered my husband, and robbed him of his clothes.

Const.Murder and robbery!—Then he must be a gentleman.——Hands off there; he must not be abused.——Give an account of yourself. Are you a gentleman?

Clinch. sen.No, sir, I'm a beau.

Const.A beau—Then you have killed nobody, I'm persuaded. How came you by these clothes, sir?

Clinch. sen.You must know, sir, that walking along, sir, I don't know how, sir, I can't tell where, sir,—and so the porter and I changed clothes, sir.

Const.Very well. The man speaks reason, and like a gentleman.

Wife.But pray, Mr. Constable, ask him how he changed clothes with him.

Const.Silence, woman, and don't disturb the court. Well, sir, how did you change clothes?

Clinch. sen.Why, sir, he pulled off my coat, and I drew off his: so I put on his coat, and he put on mine.

Const.Why, neighbour, I don't find that he's guilty: search him—and if he carries no arms about him, we'll let him go.

[They search his Pockets, and pull out his Pistols.

Clinch. sen.Oh, gemini! My Jubilee pistols!

Const.What, a case of pistols! Then the case is plain. Speak, what are you, sir? Whence came you, and whither go you?

Clinch. sen.Sir, I came from Russel Street, and am going to the Jubilee.

Wife.You shall go the gallows, you rogue.

Const.Away with him, away with him to Newgate, straight.

Clinch. sen.I shall go to the Jubilee now, indeed.

EnterSir. H. WildairandColonel Standard.

Sir H.In short, colonel, 'tis all nonsense—fight for a woman! Hard by is the lady's house, if you please, we'll wait on her together: you shall draw your sword—I'll draw my snuff-box: you shall produce your wounds received in war—I'll relate mine by Cupid's dart: you shall swear—I'll sigh: you shall sa, sa, and I'll coupée; and if she flies not to my arms, like a hawk to its perch, my dancing-master deserves to be damned.

Colonel S.With the generality of women, I grant you, these arts may prevail.

Sir H.Generality of women! Why there again, you're out. They're all alike, sir: I never heard of any one that was particular, but one.

Colonel S.Who was she, pray?

Sir H.Penelope, I think she's called, and that's a poetical story too. When will you find a poet in our age make a woman so chaste?

Colonel S.Well, Sir Harry, your facetious humour can disguise falsehood, and make calumny pass for satire; but you have promised me ocular demonstration that she favours you: make that good, and I shall then maintain faith and female to be as inconsistent as truth and falsehood.

Sir H.But will you be convinced, if our plot succeeds.

Colonel S.I rely on your word and honour, Sir Harry.

Sir H.Then meet me half an hour hence at the Shakspeare; you must oblige me by taking a hearty glass with me toward the fitting me out for a certain project, which this night I undertake.

Colonel S.I guess, by the preparation, that woman's the design.

Sir H.Yes, 'faith.—I am taken dangerously ill with two foolish maladies, modesty and love: the first I'll cure with Burgundy, and my love by a night's lodging with the damsel. A sure remedy.Probatum est.

Colonel S.I'll certainly meet you, sir.[Exeunt severally.

EnterClincher JuniorandDicky.

Clinch. jun.Ah, Dick, this London is a sad place, a sad vicious place: I wish that I were in the country again. And this brother of mine—I'm sorry he's so great a rake: I had rather see him dead than see him thus.

Dicky.Ay, sir, he'll spend his whole estate at this same Jubilee. Who d'ye think lives at this same Jubilee?

Clinch. jun.Who, pray?

Dicky.The Pope.

Clinch. jun.The devil he does! My brother go to the place where the Pope dwells! He's bewitched, sure!

EnterTom Errand,inClincher Senior'sClothes.

Dicky.Indeed, I believe he is, for he's strangely altered.

Clinch. jun.Altered! Why, he looks like a Jesuit already.

Tom.This lace will sell. What a blockhead was the fellow to trust me with his coat! If I can get cross the garden, down to the water-side, I am pretty secure.

Clinch. jun.Brother?—Alaw! Oh, gemini! Are you my brother?

Dicky.I seize you in the kings name, sir.

Tom.Oh, lord! should this prove some parliament man now!

Clinch. jun.Speak, you rogue, what are you?

Tom.A poor porter, and going of an errand.

Dicky.What errand? Speak, you rogue.

Tom.A fool's errand, I'm afraid.

Clinch. jun.Who sent you?

Tom.A beau, sir.

Dicky.No, no; the rogue has murdered your brother, and stripped him of his clothes.

Clinch. jun.Murdered my brother! Oh, crimini! Oh, my poor Jubilee brother! Stay, by Jupiter Ammon, I'm heir though. Speak, sir, have you killed him? Confess that you have killed him, and I'll give you half a crown.

Tom.Who I, sir? Alack-a-day, sir, I never killed any man, but a carrier's horse once.

Clinch. jun.Then you shall certainly be hanged; but confess that you killed him, and we'll let you go.

Tom.Telling the truth hangs a man, but confessing a lie can do no harm: besides, if the worst come to the worst, I can but deny it again.—Well, sir, since I must tell you, I did kill him.

Clinch. jun.Here's your money, sir.—But are you sure you killed him dead?

Tom.Sir, I'll swear it before any judge in England.

Dicky.But are you sure that he's dead in law?

Tom.Dead in law! I can't tell whether he be dead in law. But he's as dead as a door nail; for I gave him seven knocks on the head with a hammer.

Dicky.Then you have the estate by statute. Any man that's knocked on the head is dead in law.

Clinch. jun.But are you sure he was compos mentis when he was killed?

Tom.I suppose he was, sir; for he told me nothing to the contrary afterwards.

Clinch. jun.Hey! Then I go to the Jubilee.—Strip, sir, strip. By Jupiter Ammon, strip.

Dicky.Ah! don't swear, sir.

[Puts on his Brother's Clothes.

Clinch. jun.Swear, sir! Zoons, ha'n't I got the estate, sir? Come, sir, now I'm in mourning for my brother.

Tom.I hope you'll let me go now, sir.

Clinch. jun.Yes, yes, sir; but you must do the favour to swear positively before a magistrate, that you killed him dead, that I may enter upon the estate without any trouble. By Jupiter Ammon, all my religion's gone, since I put on these fine clothes.—Hey, call me a coach somebody.

Tom.Ay, master, let me go, and I'll call one immediately.

Clinch. jun.No, no; Dicky, carry this spark before a justice, and when he has made oath, you may discharge him. And I'll go see Angelica. [ExeuntDickyandTom.] Now that I'm an elder brother, I'll court, and swear, and rant and rake, and go to the Jubilee with the best of them.[Exit.

Lady Lurewell'sHouse.EnterLady LurewellandParly.

Lure.Are you sure that Vizard had my letter?

Parly.Yes, yes, madam; one of your ladyship's footmen gave it to him in the Park, and he told the bearer, with all transports of joy, that he would be punctual to a minute.

Lady L.Thus most villains some time or other are punctual to their ruin; Are all things prepared for his reception?

Parly.Exactly to your ladyship's order: the alderman too is just come, dressed and cooked up for iniquity.

Lady L.Then he has got woman's clothes on?

Parly.Yes, madam, and has passed upon the family for your nurse.

Lady L.Convey him into that closet, and put out the candles, and tell him, I'll wait on him presently. When he is tired of his situation, let the servants pretend they take him for a common rogue, come with the intent to rob the house, and pump him heartily.

[AsParlygoes to put out the Candles,somebody knocks.—Music plays without.

Lady L.This must be Sir Harry; tell him I am nottobe spoken with.

Parly.Sir, my lady is not to be spoken with.

Sir H.[Without.] I must have that from her own mouth, Mrs. Parly. Play, gentlemen.

[Music plays again.

EnterSir Harry.

Lady L.'Tis too early for serenading, Sir Harry.

Sir H.Wheresoever love is, there music is proper.

Lady L.But, Sir Harry, what tempest drives you here at this hour?

Sir H.No tempest, madam, but love madam.

[Wildairtaking her by the Hand.

Lady L.As pure and white as angels' soft desires.

Sir H.Fierce, as when ripe consenting beauty fires.

Lady L.[Aside.] If this be a love token, [Wildairdrops a ring, she takes it up.] your mistress's favours hang very loose about you, sir.

Sir H.I can't, justly, madam, pay your trouble of taking it up, by any thing but desiring you to wear it.

Lady L.You gentlemen have the cunningest ways of playing the fool, and are so industrious in your profuseness. Speak seriously, am I beholden to chance or design for this ring?

Sir H.To design, upon my honour. And I hope my design will succeed.[Aside.

Lady L.Shall I be free with you, Sir Harry?

Sir H.With all my heart, madam, so I may be free with you.

Lady L.Then plainly, sir, I shall beg the favour to see you some other time; for at this very minute I have two lovers in the house.

Sir H.Then to be as plain, I must begone this minute, for I must see another mistress within these two hours.

Lady L.Frank and free.

Sir H.As you with me—Madam, your most humble servant.[Exit.

Lady L.Nothing can disturb his humour. Now for my merchant and Vizard.

[Exit, and takes the Candles with her.

EnterParly,leading inSmuggler,dressed in Woman's Clothes.

Parly.This way, Mr. Alderman.

Smug.Well, Mrs. Parly,—I'm obliged to you for this trouble: here are a couple of shillings for you. Times are hard, very hard indeed; but next time I'll steal a pair of silk stockings from my wife, and bring them to you—What are you fumbling about my pockets for?

Parly.Only setting the plaits of your gown: here, sir, get into this closet, and my lady will wait on you presently.

[Puts him into the Closet, runs out,and returns withVizard.

Vizard.Where wouldst thou lead me, my dear auspicious little pilot?

Parly.You're almost in port, sir; my lady's in the closet, and will come out to you immediately.

Vizard.Let me thank thee as I ought.[Kisses her.

Parly.Pshaw, who has hired me best? a couple of shillings, or a couple of kisses?

[ExitParly.

Vizard.Propitious darkness guides the lover's steps; and night, that shadows outward sense, lights up our inward joy.

Smug.My nephew's voice, and certainly possessed with an evil spirit.

Vizard.Ha! I hear a voice. Madam——my life, my happiness, where are you, madam?

Smug.Madam! He takes me for a woman too: I'll try him. Where have you left your sanctity, Mr. Vizard?

Vizard.Talk no more of that ungrateful subject—I left it where it has only business, with day-light; 'tis needless to wear a mask in the dark.

Smug.Well, sir, but I suppose your dissimulation has some other motive besides pleasure?

Vizard.Yes, madam, the honestest motive in the world—interest——You must know, madam, that I have an old uncle, Alderman Smuggler; you have seen him, I suppose.

Smug.Yes, yes, I have some small acquaintance with him.

Vizard.'Tis the most knavish, precise, covetous old rogue, that ever died of the gout.

Smug.Ah, the young son of a whore! [Aside.] Well, sir, and what of him?

Vizard.Why, madam, he has a swingeing estate, which I design to purchase as a saint, and spend like a gentleman. He got it by cheating, and should lose it by deceit. By the pretence of my zeal and sobriety, I'll cozen the old miser, one of these days, out of a settlement and deed of conveyance——

Smug.It shall be a deed to convey you to the gallows then, ye young dog.[Aside.

Vizard.And no sooner he's dead, but I'll rattle over his grave with a coach and six, to inform his covetous ghost how genteelly I spend his money.

Smug.I'll prevent you, boy; for I'll have my money buried with me.[Aside.

Vizard.Bless me, madam! here's a light coming this way. I must fly immediately.——When shall I see you, madam?

Smug.Sooner than you expect, my dear.

Vizard.Pardon me, dear madam, I would not be seen for the world. I would sooner forfeit my life, my pleasure, than my reputation.[Exit.

Smug.Egad, and so would I too.[Exit.

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