CHAPTER XXIA TERRIBLE CONFESSION
Ray staggered back.
“Howard—you here!” he gasped.
Howard said nothing, but remained gazing doggedly at the floor.
“Answer me!” cried Ray, as the first shock of surprise subsided. “What are you doing in this room?”
Howard replied hesitatingly, as if scarcely knowing what to say:
“I saw the door open—and—and when Ridley went out into the hall for a moment—I—I stepped in, thinking you might have returned. Ridley closed the door and locked me in.”
As the door was fastened by a spring lock, easily opened from the inside, the transparency of this excuse was pitiable, and showed how desperate was Howard’s position.
“And I suppose, not finding me here, you determined to await my return,” said Ray, suppressing his feelings with difficulty.
Howard remained silent.
“And in the interval you occupied yourself lookingover my things,” continued Ray, pointing to his desk.
Still no answer.
“Howard,” said Ray contemptuously, “what are we to think of you?”
“Think what you choose,” answered Howard bitterly. “Think the worst of me. Every one will think the same in a few days.”
Ray did not seem to notice the significance of these words.
“Do you realize that you are committing a crime?” he said. “Don’t you know that I could have you arrested for this?”
“I know it,” answered Howard; “but why should I care now?”
“Care!” exclaimed Ray, aghast at the other’s tone. “Have you no respect for your good name?”
“Good name!” echoed Howard, still more bitterly. “Where will that be in a day or two? No, I have no reason to respect my ‘good name.’ I own that I came in here dishonestly. Go on, then, and expose me.”
“I did not say I was going to expose you,” answered Ray.
“But you will,” said Howard. “What else should I expect from you?”
“I do not know that I will,” said Ray.
Howard looked up quickly.
“You mean to say that you—you—” then his face clouded again as he continued—“still, after all whatdifference could that make to me? Only a few days. You might as well do your worst.”
“Howard,” cried Ray, with determination, “I do not say yet what I will do, but of one thing you may be sure. I intend to have an explanation of this strange behavior of yours. If you were simply a common burglar I should turn you over to justice without more ado; but you are not, you are a classmate of mine, and, as such, your act is simply one of madness. No student in his senses would attempt a thing of this kind. I am convinced that it was a desperate act on your part, and that you were driven to it by some extraordinary cause. I am determined, therefore, before going any further, to know your reason for acting and talking in this strange manner.”
A curious expression came over Howard’s face as Ray spoke. This evidence of interest in him on Ray’s part was entirely unexpected by Howard, and wrought quite a change in him. Like some hunted animal, who has suddenly found a momentary resting place, his nervousness and agitation diminished, his manner became more composed, and his bitter tone gave way to one of passive dejection. He leaned his head heavily on his hands, and gazed despondently at the floor.
“You are right,” he said in a voice that was scarcely audible, “I was desperate. I would never have stooped to this if a chance of retaining my reputation was left. It was my last throw. Ruin is staring me in the face!”
“Ruin!” exclaimed Ray. “Why, Howard, what can you mean? What have you done?”
“Ruined myself—utterly—I don’t care what happens now.”
A struggle was going on in Ray’s breast. His face lost some of its severity.
“Tell me your whole story, Howard,” he said, in a somewhat altered tone. “Why did you come in here?”
“To steal—yes, give it the worst name—to steal. Itwasan act of madness, but what else was there for me to do? I had done almost everything else, and exposure and disgrace stared me in the face,” and Howard’s voice broke.
“Exposure! disgrace! For what?” asked Ray, in great concern. “Come, speak out. Tell me all.”
Howard was silent a moment.
“I might as well speak,” he said at length, “for everybody will know it soon.”
Ray and I remained silent, breathless and expectant, while a death-like stillness settled upon the room. After several minutes Howard roused himself slightly and began:
“I can scarcely bear to think of it. It has been growing a heavier weight on my mind for weeks past, haunting me at night, destroying my sleep, and depriving me of all peace, until to-day, when I could stand it no longer, and was about to—but I will tell you the whole story. My trouble really began away back in Freshman year. You remember that wealthyCuban, Rapello, in the Senior class at that time. You remember his companion and roommate, Leisenring, and the whole crowd with whom they went, and you remember warning me against them as dangerous company. I felt able to take care of myself, and, as I was very much flattered by the attention of these upper classmen, I went with them constantly, as you know. You may not know, however, that a great deal of card playing was done in their rooms, and always for money. As my father is a clergyman, I was never allowed to look at cards at home, so I first became acquainted with the game in the company of those fellows. I became fascinated with it, and naturally too, for I was very fortunate, and won a great deal of money during Freshman year. During Sophomore year I was still more fortunate, and began to look upon my luck as assured, and to play with boldness and confidence. In Junior year the men whom I had associated with had nearly all graduated; so my next step was to form my room into a similar establishment to that of Rapello and Leisenring’s, and to draw in some of my companions and such of the under classmen as I could influence.
“I worked very cautiously, and kept it very quiet, but my room during Junior year was scarcely better than a downright gambling den. Late into the nights we played, with drawn curtains, and our stakes ran even higher than had been known in the games of Rapello and Leisenring. I always forced the play boldly, taking pride in my reckless daring and theluck that almost invariably attended it. A change, however, came at last, and toward the end of Junior year I began to suffer heavy reverses. The passion for play had by this time taken thorough possession of me, and I could not give up the game. My position as the leader, moreover, made it doubly difficult for me to retire, had I wanted to. At the beginning of Senior year, when I returned to college, I had lost all I had ever won.
“Thinking that my luck would turn, I began the game again in my rooms. Only a few college students rejoined me, for the stakes had grown high, so I sought a few companions among some of the men of the town. They were older than I, and had, as a rule, considerable money. After a month or so the game was transferred from my room—where it was risky—to a place in town. Here my ill luck began again, and all during the winter I continued to lose, until I had nothing left. Then, still unable to give up the game, and always hoping to recover my lost ground, I began to play on borrowed money. This continued until my credit was gone amongst my friends, then I played for a while without money, paying my losses in promissory notes.
“As I saw these notes coming due, and found myself unable to meet them, I grew desperate, and stooped to a number of half dishonest devices in order to secure the cash needed. I can’t mention all these. They made me feel ashamed at first, but necessity forced me, and I soon became used to it. Things thathad previously seemed mean and despicable to me, became matters of indifference. I found myself excusing acts that had always aroused my contempt. At length I got down to cheating—I couldn’t help it. I had to have money. I didn’t cheat in the games with town men. I couldn’t do that—they were too sharp for me; but I would play smaller games with under classmen and win money by unfair practices. In doing this I was very careful, and was never suspected. Those from whom I have obtained money in this way are good friends, and have never supposed me guilty of dishonorable dealing. But it weighed on me and destroyed my peace of mind. I was always uneasy and in fear of being detected, so I looked about me for other means of obtaining money.
“It was then that tennis occurred to me. I began to bet on my playing, not in small sums—I had done that often before—but heavily. Some one dared me to play you, saying that you could beat me. I made a bet of twenty-five dollars on the result, and invited you to play me. That bet I lost, as you know, and you refused to give me an opportunity of recovering that loss. At that time I was specially hard pressed for money, and ready to do almost anything to secure it. Suddenly an idea occurred to me that seemed to promise well. If I could interest the college in contributing to lawn tennis I might make use of the money appropriated for this purpose, and obtain temporary relief from the debts that were pressing me so hard. I did not contemplate actually stealingthe money. I only wanted to gain time until I could raise more money in some other quarter.
“I had it all arranged that I should be nominated for treasurer in case the college took up with my idea, and I would have no difficulty in being elected, as I had always been so prominent in tennis. I took advantage of the fact that baseball stock seemed low, and tried to draw the college toward tennis. You know how my effort failed, but you do not know how desperate that failure made me. I was angry with everybody, especially with you, whom I believed to be chiefly to blame—you see I don’t mind telling all this. I can do myself no harm now.”
“But Howard,” cried Ray aghast, “could even that bring you to such an act as this? Could——”
“No. The worst is to come. That only made me angry, and it was because I was angry with you that I intercepted your letter about the baseball meeting. It was merely to get square with you. It was mean and small, I know, but it isn’t the worst I have done.
“Of course I was compelled to carry my debts for a while longer, and as this was becoming more and more difficult on account of the growing impatience of my creditors, I was at my wits’ end to know what to do. Some notes had come due, others were impending, and the men—who had been friendly enough at the start—refused to extend the time, and threatened to force me to payment. Of course I did not fear legal prosecution for a debt contracted at cards, but I dreaded exposure, and the disgrace that wouldfollow. So it continued until last Wednesday night.
“It was then that I cast all caution to the winds, and determined to make a bold move at cards. I had not been playing lately, for I had no money, and the others had refused to trust me for any further amounts. But Wednesday night I received a little money from home and I went to the usual place. I feared that they would keep me from the game on account of my unpaid debts, so I told them that I had only fifteen dollars, and as they seemed to be in a good humor they let me in, each of my creditors, I suppose hoping that I would win enough to pay off his claim. I was reckless of consequences, and had come to win by any means fair or unfair. As I might have supposed, in such an experienced crowd, I was detected before I had cheated half a dozen times, and then a terrible storm arose. I thought I would be torn to pieces. They rose in a body, calling me a swindler and blackleg, and put me out of the place. Before leaving they dictated the terms of payment of the money I owed them. They told me that unless the notes that were due were paid by Saturday they would expose me to the town and faculty and so ruin my character as well as my chances of graduation.
“I knew not where to turn. My first impulse was to run away, anywhere, so as to be free from the terrible burden that was growing on me. Every resource had been exhausted, and exposure and disgrace awaited me. Oh, such a night of agony as Ipassed! I lay awake, racking my brain for some method of escape. Suddenly I thought of Professor Fuller. It was humiliating to think of visiting him on such an errand, but I knew that I must obtain money somewhere, and that he had been kind to the boys, so I resolved to call on him. I did so the next morning. I did not tell him the story, but said I owed money to tradesmen in town, that they were pressing me hard and threatened trouble, that I didn’t want to ask my father at once for more money, as I had just received some from home; and I solicited his help for a short time. The more pressing debts amounted to $100, and this sum he lent me.
“This was Thursday, and I was going to pay the four notes that were due at once, when it suddenly occurred to me that Saturday’s game with Dean College might win me some more money if I could get several bets. Accordingly I saved the money, and took it over to Dean. I succeeded in staking it all, and I felt confident of the result, for we had never been beaten by Dean. To my amazement we lost the game, and my case was utterly hopeless. Every cent was gone, and I had no means of gaining more.
“Every resource had been exhausted, and I had only to wait for the crash that was sure to come. I was dazed and benumbed at the prospect. There was nothing for me to do. Every vestige of hope had left me. I was simply ruined. When I came back I started for my room with no special purpose in mind, when I saw your door ajar. As I told you,Ridley was in the hall. He was filling your pitcher at the back of the building and did not see me. I scarcely knew why I came in. When Ridley closed the door, I began to look about. I did not expect your return, for I supposed you were still living in town. I took my time, therefore, and was examining the contents of your desk when I heard you in the hall.”