Hail, holy Lead!—of human feuds the greatAnd universal arbiter; endowedWith penetration to pierce any cloudFogging the field of controversial hate,And with a swift, inevitable, straight,Searching precision find the unavowedBut vital point. Thy judgment, when allowedBy the chirurgeon, settles the debate.O useful metal!—were it not for theeWe'd grapple one another's ears alway:But when we hear thee buzzing like a beeWe, like old Muhlenberg, "care not to stay."And when the quick have run away like pulletsJack Satan smelts the dead to make new bullets.
LEARNING, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear, and his faith in your patience.
LEGACY, n. A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of tears.
LEONINE, adj. Unlike a menagerie lion. Leonine verses are those in which a word in the middle rhymes with a word at the end, as in this famous passage from Bella Peeler Silcox:
The electric light invades the dunnest deep ofHades.Cries Pluto, 'twixt his snores: "O tempora! Omores!"
It should be explained that Mrs. Silcox does not undertake to teach the pronunciation of the Greek and Latin tongues. Leonine verses are so called in honor of a poet named Leo, whom prosodists appear to find a pleasure in believing to have been the first to discover that a rhyming couplet could be run into a single line.
LETTUCE, n. An herb of the genusLactuca, "wherewith," says that pious gastronome, Hengist Pelly, "God has been pleased to reward the good and punish the wicked. For by his inner light the righteous man has discerned a manner of compounding for it a dressing to the appetency whereof a multitude of gustible condiments conspire, being reconciled and ameliorated with profusion of oil, the entire comestible making glad the heart of the godly and causing his face to shine. But the person of spiritual unworth is successfully tempted of the Adversary to eat of the lettuce with destitution of oil, mustard, egg, salt, and garlic, and with a rascal bath of vinegar polluted with sugar. Wherefore the person of spiritual unworth suffers an intestinal pang of strange complexity and raises the song."
LEVIATHAN, n. An enormous aquatic animal mentioned by Job. Some suppose it to have been the whale, but that distinguished ichthyologer, Dr. Jordan, of Stanford University, maintains with considerable heat that it was a species of gigantic Tadpole, ('Thaddeus Polandensis) or Polliwig—Maria pseudo-hirsuta. For an exhaustive description and history of the Tadpole consult the famous monograph of Jane Porter,Thaddeus of Warsaw.
LEXICOGRAPHER, n. A pestilent fellow who, under the pretense of recording some particular stage in the development of a language, does what he can to arrest its growth, stiffen its flexibility, and mechanize its methods. For your lexicographer, having written his dictionary, comes to be considered "as one having authority," whereas his function is only to make a record, not to give a law. The natural servility of the human understanding having invested him with judicial power, surrenders its right of reason and submits itself to a chronicle as if it were a statute. Let the dictionary (for example) mark a good word as "obsolete" or "obsolescent" and no man thereafter ventures to use it, whatever his need of it and however desirable its restoration to favor—whereby the process of impoverishment is accelerated and speech decays. On the contrary, the bold and discerning writer who, recognizing the truth that language must grow by innovation if it grow at all, makes new words and uses the old in an unfamiliar sense has no following and is tartly reminded that "it is n't in the dictionary"— although down to the time of the first lexicographer (Heaven forgive him!) no author ever had used a word thatwasin the dictionary. In the golden prime and high noon of English speech; when from the lips of the great Elizabethans fell words that made their own meaning and carried it in their very sound; when a Shakespeare and a Bacon were possible, and the language now rapidly perishing at one end and slowly renewed at the other was in vigorous growth and hardy preservation—sweeter than honey and stronger than a lion—the lexicographer was a person unknown, the dictionary a creation which his Creator had not created him to create.
God said: "Let Spirit perish into Form,"And lexicographers arose, a swarm!Thought fled and left her clothing, which they tookAnd catalogued each garment in a book.Now, from her leafy covert when she cries:"Give me my clothes and I 'll return," they riseAnd scan the list, and say without compassion:"Excuse us—they are mostly out of fashion."Sigismund Smith.
LIAR, n. A lawyer with a roving commission.
LIBERTY, n. One of Imagination's most precious possessions.
The rising People, hot and out of breath,Roared round the palace: "Liberty or death!""If death will do," the King said, "let me reign;You 'll have, I 'm sure, no reason to complain."Martha Braymance.
LICKSPITTLE, n. A useful functionary, not infrequently found editing a newspaper. In his character of editor he is closely allied to the blackmailer by the tie of occasional identity; for in truth the lickspittle is only the blackmailer under another aspect, though the latter is frequently found as an independent species. Lickspittling is more detestable than blackmailing, precisely as the business of a confidence man is more detestable than that of a highway robber; and the parallel maintains itself throughout, for whereas few robbers will cheat, every sneak will plunder if he dare.
LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed. The question, "Is life worth living?" has been much discussed; particularly by those who think it is not, many of whom have written at great length in support of their view and by careful observance of the laws of health enjoyed for long terms of years the honors of successful controversy.
"Life's not worth living, and that 's the truth,"Carelessly caroled the golden youth;And in manhood still he maintained that viewAnd held it more strongly the older he grew.When kicked by a jackass at eighty-three,"Go fetch me a surgeon at once!" cried he.Han Soper.
LIGHTHOUSE, n. A tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
LIMB, n. The branch of a tree or the leg of an American woman.
'T was a pair of boots that the lady bought.And the salesman laced them tightTo a very remarkable height—Higher, indeed, than I think he ought—Higher thancanbe right.For the Bible declares—but never mind:It is hardly fitTo censure freely and fault to findWith others for sins that I 'm not inclinedMyself to commit.Each has his weakness, and though my ownIs freedom from every sin,It still were unfair to pitch in,Discharging the first censorious stone.Besides, the truth compels me to say,The boots in question weremadethat way.As he drew the lace she made a grimace,And blushingly said to him:"This boot, I 'm sure, is too high to endure,It hurts my—hurts my—limb."The salesman smiled in a manner mild,Like an artless, undesigning child;Then, checking himself, to his face he gaveA look as sorrowful as the grave,Though he did n't care two figsFor her pains and throes,As he stroked her toes,Remarking with speech and manner justBefitting his calling: "Madam, I trustThat it does n't hurt your twigs."G. Percival Doke.
LINEN, n. "A kind of cloth the making of which entails a great waste of hemp."—Calcraft the Hangman.
LITIGANT, n. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.
LITIGATION, n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
LIVER, n. A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be bilious with. The sentiments and emotions which every literary anatomist now knows to haunt the heart were anciently believed to infest the liver; and even Gascoygne, speaking of the emotional side of human nature, calls it "our hepaticall parte." It was at one time considered the seat of life; hence its name—liver, the thing we live with. The liver is heaven's best gift to the goose; without it that bird would be unable to supply us with the Strasbourgpâté.
LL.D. Letters indicating the degreeLegumptionis Doctor, one learned in the laws, gifted with legal gumption. Some suspicion is cast upon this derivation by the fact that the title was formerly££. d.and conferred only upon gentlemen distinguished for their wealth. At the date of this writing Columbia University is considering the expediency of making another degree for clergymen, in place of the old D.D.—Damnator Diaboli. The new honor will be known asSanctorum Custos, and written $$. c. The name of the Rev. John Satan has been suggested as a suitable recipient by a lover of consistency, who points out that Professor Harry Thurston Peck has long enjoyed the advantage of a degree.
LOCK-AND-KEY, n. The distinguishing device of civilization and enlightenment.
LODGER, n. A less popular name for the First Person of that delectable newspaper Trinity, the Roomer, the Bedder, and the Mealer.
LOGIC, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basis of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion—thus:
Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man.
Minor Premise: One man can dig a post-hole in sixty seconds; therefore—Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post-hole in one second.
This may be called the syllogism arithmetical, in which, by combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice blessed.
LORD, n. In American society, an English tourist above the state of a costermonger, as, Lord 'Aberdasher, Lord Hartisan, and so forth. The travelling Briton of lesser degree is addressed as "Sir," as, Sir 'Arry Donkiboi, of 'Amstead 'Eath. The word "Lord" is sometimes used, also, as a title of the Supreme Being; but this is thought to be rather flattery than true reverence.
Miss Sallie Ann Splurge, of her own accord,Wedded a wandering English lord—Wedded and took him to dwell with her "paw,"A parent who throve by the practice of Draw.Lord Cadde I don't hesitate here to declareUnworthy the father-in-legal careOf that elderly sport, notwithstanding the truthThat Cadde had renounced the follies of youth;For, sad to relate, he 'd arrived at the stageOf existence that 's marked by the vices of age.Among them cupidity caused him to urgeRepeated demands on the pocket of Splurge,Till, wrecked in his fortune, that gentleman sawInadequate aid in the practice of Draw,And took, as a means of augmenting his pelf,To the business of being a lord himself.His neat-fitting garments he willfully shedAnd sacked himself strangely in checks instead;Denuded his chin, but retained at each earA whisker that looked like a blasted career.He painted his neck an incarnadine hueEach morning and varnished it all that he knew.The moony monocular set in his eyeAppeared to be scanning the Sweet Bye-and-Bye.His head was enroofed with a billycock hat,And his low-necked shoes were aduncous and flat.In speech he eschewed his American ways,Denying his nose to the use of his A'sAnd dulling their edge till the delicate senseOf a babe at their temper could take no offence.His H's—'t was most inexpressibly sweet,The patter they made as they fell at his feet!Re-outfitted thus, Mr. Splurge without fearBegan as Lord Splurge his recouping career.Alas, the Divinity shaping his endEntertained other views and decided to sendHis lordship in horror, despair, and dismayFrom the land of the nobleman's natural prey.For, smit with his Old World ways, Lady CaddeFell—suffering Caesar!—in love with her dad!G. J.