Fac-simile of the Diploma I Received from St. Vincent's Hospital.Fac-simile of the Diploma I Received from St. Vincent's Hospital.
Fac-simile of the Diploma I Received from St. Vincent's Hospital.
This was simply another delusion of the Roman Catholic Hierarchy to hood-wink the public and cause them to think that the Roman institutions were as efficient as other institutions. Personally, I was qualified to nurse in nearly all branches, as I will prove to my readers before I close this book, but what I knew was not learned by a "thorough training" by any teacher other than the teacher of experience, and now, with over fifteen years of hospital work to my credit, I was receiving what the ordinary nurse receives after three years' training—the diploma.
About 1910 the new addition to St. Vincent's was opened for occupancy and it could then accommodate about four hundred patients.
The reports of the unfair treatment of the sisters and others as well, were coming to me so fast that I decided to try to right them from within the order. It was only the beginning of the end for me. I appealed to all the women authorities, from the local superior to the Mother General, but to no avail. It simply caused the sisters in authority to look upon me with suspicion and disfavor, and from the very first, reports were circulated about me losing my faith, and being a "bad religious." Orders were given the sisters on my floor as to the management and also as to the manner in which they were to treat me.
The reports of what was going on had reached the Mother House in Montreal, and the assistant Mother General, who was a very good friend of mine, and at the same time endeavoring to smooth matters over in the community, asked me to take the office of superior at Astoria. It was simply an attempt to get me out of St. Vincent's and I refused to take the office, knowing that I could not treat the sisters as a superior had to.
A letter soon came from the Mother House, which I will here copy, with others, showing how the news of strife within the community travels. Also how cautious a sister must be with her letters. The envelope was addressed tome, and on the top of it had these words: "P. S. If not there return to me unopened."
Providence Mother House,Montreal, Feb. 11th, 1910.
(This letter is for yourself alone.)
Sr. Lucretia,Portland, Oregon.Dear Sister:
What's up? It seems people find you so very, very naughty—so naughty that strong measures are required. Look out, the comet (Haley's Comet) may play serious tricks! But nonsense apart, do write me what has happened in that house? You cannot imagine how anxious I am, knowing what injustice is sometimes meted out under the plea of good order and merely for the sake of carrying out certain plans to attain ones end. Be watchful. I love the community with all my soul, but I hate the iniquity wrought by some of its members through jealousy and ambition. God help the weak! I shall say no more today, but leave it all to the strong right arm of the Almighty.
Good-bye and believe me,Sincerely yours,SISTER M. WILFRID.
This letter is proof that I was not the only sister who knew of the wrongs and injustices that were going on under the plea of religion. And believe me, I was very grateful to receive this letter from one so high in the order as Sister Wilfrid. It braced me up for the coming battle.
My reply was as follows:
St. Vincent's Hospital,Portland, Oregon, Feb. 20, 1910.
Rev. Mother Wilfrid, Asst. Gen.,Montreal, Canada.Dear Mother Wilfrid:
I am not aware of being so terribly naughty, and the same comet (Haley's) that will play unfair tricks on me might get a few played on it, when tricky cards will be played.
When these strange and strong measures will be put to me I will certainly have to know of them and then it shall be my business to learn the reason, and mine to employ whatever means I may require for justice or peace of soul and body. Any grievous wrongs coming to me through jealous and ambitious evil-doers will not be borne by me in a pent up heart any more like in the past. Accusations, as also insinuations, which falsify will have to come to light and proof. They can say all the dirty, wicked remarks about me they please. I know but precious little good has ever been said of me by the community representatives out here in the past, and I do not expect better yet. If I am American in my views and ways, it does not make me irreligious or disloyal. My faults and shortcomings are not worse, nor of meaner character than those I am with, and have lived with. With little effort I can produce plenty comparisons.
I will not again suffer humiliating trials cast upon me without cause, and worse, to no purpose, but to incur the displeasure of God and to please deceitful, jealous, scheming spirits.
You ask me what has happened this house? It wouldtake me six months to put it in writing and make a nervous wreck of myself and then be compelled to leave to others what I attempted to better. Time, and sisters who will be trained by home religious, who will understand our people and sisters, can only right things with us out here. Along these lines the trouble lies in this house. We are even bad for knowing where trouble lies, etc., etc., etc. You know as well as I do.
I work hard and know that I work well, and I do my duty the best I know. The crime is, I haven't the "L'esprit de la religieuse," because I am not French and they can't bake me over other than God made me. Amen.
With love in prayer, I am,Yours very sincerely,SISTER LUCRETIA,S. C. S. P.
On March 10th, 1910, I wrote her again, further explaining what was going on, as follows:
Dear Mother Wilfrid:
Another item which stands black against me is that I have been taking care of Archbishop Christie this winter. Three weeks' special nurse and for three months I went nearly every day to his residence to give his arm massage treatment. I did my hospital work all but the entering of a few names along with the extra work. I gave classes in nursing to the sisters two evenings per week.
Now, of course, I should be made to feel very sorry that I have been capable of giving agreeable service to such a distinguished patient. It being out of the question to punish him for being pleased with my care or an expression of a word of gratitude. So, it should behoove meto be put through the expiatory system to atone for my sins of having done well and more than the usual effort. I can't tell where the glory of such Christ-like doings belong. No doubt it is the right spirit—too bad I haven't it. What a grievous sin it must be to please, etc.
Another item, my name was cast a good many times in the ballot box on election evening for the new superior. I suppose I might be called upon to glorify God by expiating for this crime also, in some way or other. Those brilliant gems are being added to other hallows, too. What Paradise! minus innocence. Amen.
As ever.Very truly yours,SISTER LUCRETIA,S. C. S. P.
Just a day or two after I mailed the foregoing letter, I received a note from Mother Wilfrid asking me to write further, explaining more fully the national hatred mentioned in my first letter—she not having received this last one as yet. So on March 18th, 1910, I wrote at length:
Dear Mother Wilfrid:The only reason French sisters have no use for me, and would never give me a sign of prestige is that I am not French. That is my awful crime. I am liked and approved of by all that I have dealings with—the doctors, the people, the sick—great and lowly—the nurses, the help of the floor—all express happiness and pleasure on seeing me. The English-speaking sisters find a few minutes' comfort of mind and a little peace and enjoyment in my company. In the eyes of jealous, evil minds it must be wicked to possess gifts which radiate peace, happiness and harmony.
Dear Mother Wilfrid:
The only reason French sisters have no use for me, and would never give me a sign of prestige is that I am not French. That is my awful crime. I am liked and approved of by all that I have dealings with—the doctors, the people, the sick—great and lowly—the nurses, the help of the floor—all express happiness and pleasure on seeing me. The English-speaking sisters find a few minutes' comfort of mind and a little peace and enjoyment in my company. In the eyes of jealous, evil minds it must be wicked to possess gifts which radiate peace, happiness and harmony.
I even admit that I am not dead to approbation or condemnation. I naturally like to give to everybody of the best I have, whatever it may be—to receive people well and friendly, to serve someone a lunch, or to do some little favor of whatever kind, or if it were only a few kind words of encouragement. If anyone wishes my secret, I am not jealous to give my recipe. I always made it a particular point to do everything as well as I could and know that I do it with as pleasing and cheerful disposition as possible. But that is poison to the other side. I am and always have been successful in my office. I taught a class of sisters (nursing) since the beginning of last September, and I know that I did it right and successful the times I could get them.Why such national prejudice and jealousy? Really what the last election (superior's election) here showed, after all the talking of doing away with the spirit of nationality, the prayers and conferences to the same purpose, then the nationality spirit manifested itself with more force than ever before, at least openly, so that one knows what to call it. It shows clearly, too, that there will never be harmony, and it is obvious that one kind will predominate as long as they can, and when they cannot, the next majority will.Our community has failed to prove, up to now, that it is a success to have mixed nationalities. In time, of course, anyone can see that one kind will give way to the other, but not by means of harmony—probably by the same methods as of the past, the stronger or the majority shall control the weaker or minority. "As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen." Said this time in truth and effect.First of all, our people, the English-speaking sisters, have no one to go to for redress, who understands them in their troubles and trials and difficulties of a business or social nature, simply silence and obedience without a faint feeling of even a little sympathy in common.The Jews did not understand our Lord and His suffering, but the Blessed Virgin did. I believe He had a few other household members who were not only loyal, faithful and devoted to Him, but harmonious, too. If there was jealousy and disagreement, I do not believe that a good and generous worker was taken out of office by the Master and put aside as an evil spirit or put through humiliating and heart-rending trials till there would be nothing left but a grimace and distorted body or an insensible being, an object of pity and sadness.Should religion, if it was the right kind, make people wish and sigh for death to come and put an end to their misery? Why all this profession of religion if it cannot grow a few flowers and plants of joy and happiness, if it has to legislate people so stiff and cramped in body and mind that they cannot bend without breaking, or breath enough left in them without looking haggard or half dead?Religion and church are not to blame for want of breadth, harmony and strength amongst ourselves in organizations. It is up to the majority of us sisters to make life part Paradise or all Purgatory on earth, and all the sermons on charity that could be preached in the world and all the good will and generosity put together will fail to produce peace and harmony in a community which cannot organize and legislate just and fair dealings to begin with. Man knows and appreciates this.With the other letters I have sent you, you can see the situation. With love as ever.Sincerely yours,SISTER LUCRETIA,S. C. S. P.
I even admit that I am not dead to approbation or condemnation. I naturally like to give to everybody of the best I have, whatever it may be—to receive people well and friendly, to serve someone a lunch, or to do some little favor of whatever kind, or if it were only a few kind words of encouragement. If anyone wishes my secret, I am not jealous to give my recipe. I always made it a particular point to do everything as well as I could and know that I do it with as pleasing and cheerful disposition as possible. But that is poison to the other side. I am and always have been successful in my office. I taught a class of sisters (nursing) since the beginning of last September, and I know that I did it right and successful the times I could get them.
Why such national prejudice and jealousy? Really what the last election (superior's election) here showed, after all the talking of doing away with the spirit of nationality, the prayers and conferences to the same purpose, then the nationality spirit manifested itself with more force than ever before, at least openly, so that one knows what to call it. It shows clearly, too, that there will never be harmony, and it is obvious that one kind will predominate as long as they can, and when they cannot, the next majority will.
Our community has failed to prove, up to now, that it is a success to have mixed nationalities. In time, of course, anyone can see that one kind will give way to the other, but not by means of harmony—probably by the same methods as of the past, the stronger or the majority shall control the weaker or minority. "As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen." Said this time in truth and effect.
First of all, our people, the English-speaking sisters, have no one to go to for redress, who understands them in their troubles and trials and difficulties of a business or social nature, simply silence and obedience without a faint feeling of even a little sympathy in common.
The Jews did not understand our Lord and His suffering, but the Blessed Virgin did. I believe He had a few other household members who were not only loyal, faithful and devoted to Him, but harmonious, too. If there was jealousy and disagreement, I do not believe that a good and generous worker was taken out of office by the Master and put aside as an evil spirit or put through humiliating and heart-rending trials till there would be nothing left but a grimace and distorted body or an insensible being, an object of pity and sadness.
Should religion, if it was the right kind, make people wish and sigh for death to come and put an end to their misery? Why all this profession of religion if it cannot grow a few flowers and plants of joy and happiness, if it has to legislate people so stiff and cramped in body and mind that they cannot bend without breaking, or breath enough left in them without looking haggard or half dead?
Religion and church are not to blame for want of breadth, harmony and strength amongst ourselves in organizations. It is up to the majority of us sisters to make life part Paradise or all Purgatory on earth, and all the sermons on charity that could be preached in the world and all the good will and generosity put together will fail to produce peace and harmony in a community which cannot organize and legislate just and fair dealings to begin with. Man knows and appreciates this.
With the other letters I have sent you, you can see the situation. With love as ever.
Sincerely yours,SISTER LUCRETIA,S. C. S. P.
The reply I received was as follows:
My dear Sister Lucretia:Lest you worry about your letter of March 18th, I come, although I have but a few moments to myself, to say it reached me in due time. I have read and re-read it and find that what you say is true. Oh! if trying to please and comfort (without sacrificing one's religious principles) and succeeding therein were crime, I earnestly wish there were more criminals among us. In any case, I would urge you to continue to make other's lives happy, and not allow the narrow-mindedness of some and the unkindness of others to cast bitterness into your own life. It is hard, sometimes, but there are enough beauties and sweetnesses in life if we will only take them, and I am sure you have proved until now you know where they are to be found and how to make use of them. Continue, dear Sister Lucretia; nothing that is good ever dies; we have often heard this and perhaps so far have had occasions to experience its truth. Allow me to quote a few lines I found not long ago and find encouraging: "If you live the most devoted and disinterested life possible, you will find people sneering at you and imputing your actions to selfish motives and putting a cruel construction on all you do or say. Well, it does not matter, for we shall all be manifested at the Judgment seat of Christ, before God and men and angels. Let us live to please Him, for our integrity ofmotive will be known at the last, and put beyond all dispute."I have just learned that Sister Rita has been transferred to Oakland. I hope she will like the South and make herself happy.Believe me, dear Sister,Sincerely yours,SISTER M. WILFRID,S. C. S. P.
My dear Sister Lucretia:
Lest you worry about your letter of March 18th, I come, although I have but a few moments to myself, to say it reached me in due time. I have read and re-read it and find that what you say is true. Oh! if trying to please and comfort (without sacrificing one's religious principles) and succeeding therein were crime, I earnestly wish there were more criminals among us. In any case, I would urge you to continue to make other's lives happy, and not allow the narrow-mindedness of some and the unkindness of others to cast bitterness into your own life. It is hard, sometimes, but there are enough beauties and sweetnesses in life if we will only take them, and I am sure you have proved until now you know where they are to be found and how to make use of them. Continue, dear Sister Lucretia; nothing that is good ever dies; we have often heard this and perhaps so far have had occasions to experience its truth. Allow me to quote a few lines I found not long ago and find encouraging: "If you live the most devoted and disinterested life possible, you will find people sneering at you and imputing your actions to selfish motives and putting a cruel construction on all you do or say. Well, it does not matter, for we shall all be manifested at the Judgment seat of Christ, before God and men and angels. Let us live to please Him, for our integrity ofmotive will be known at the last, and put beyond all dispute."
I have just learned that Sister Rita has been transferred to Oakland. I hope she will like the South and make herself happy.
Believe me, dear Sister,Sincerely yours,SISTER M. WILFRID,S. C. S. P.
You will observe from the foregoing letters that we, as sisters, do not hold the system accountable for the wrongs we have to endure in the convent. We believe that the sisters alone are at fault, as I have stated in my letters to Mother Wilfrid. But the man or woman with ordinary intelligence, who reads these conditions as they were at that time can readily see the real source. The heads of the institution, who had the sole power, instead of the bettering conditions, tolerated and permitted them to remain. At that, I have my grave doubts if the convent system couldeverbe harmonious. Think of housing a large number of women under one roof, bound by the ironclad, childish rules and precepts. They are a barrier to "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness," which the Constitution of the United States guarantees every citizen. They make progress an impossibility. The outside world thinks the convent system is a success because they see the institutions grow in size and number, which is due to the economic methods of free sister-service. They never have the opportunity to see "success" from within.
As a further proof that the system is the cause of discord, strife and inharmony among the sisters I will copyanother letter I wrote to Mother Wilfrid. There is some repetition of portions of my former letters, but I think the whole of the letter will interest my readers, even though it is lengthy:
Dear Mother Wilfrid:I will bring a few other points before you, Mother, which means inharmony in our order. I do not intend to convey to you the idea that I am an oracle of success. The intention being simply to consider some of the principal essentials required for success. Just a little mental view of things.We all admit that experience is a great teacher—observation its necessary accompaniment. Both are in vain unless a practical application can be made of the lessons to be learned from them.One of the first essentials of success is common honesty. If those who have had experience in one kind of work could only dare to be sincere enough to express the difficulties they meet, in such a manner as to better conditions. What's in the way? Prejudice, the fear of not standing high as a perfect religious, sisters, whether qualified for leadership or not, ambitious for high offices. If the companion should be a little more gifted in some things than the superior, she should make herself so small and subservient that she can scarcely think. If she cannot look scared, stand back and look perfectly mum. She is proud, independent, trespassing on the superior's rights, disloyal and rebelling against all rightful and lawful authority. She is placed in a responsible position and not permitted to be woman enough to be justified in her own actions. She has to of necessity, due to inorganization, make a blunder ofherself and her work. We are constantly blundering and straightening out after each other. Experience should have taught some of us how to improve upon blundering ways. Take for one thing, the frequent changing of the sisters without system or method, often for no reason—then because some have put their heads together to bare so-and-so out, they have to eat "black bread." She has given offence—God alone knows for what trifle. She must be punished and made unsuccessful even if the house and place where she is will suffer the loss of her good and successful work. This might be saying a good deal for a subordinate, but it is the price paid for lessons taught by experience. We will have better organization only when we will have our sisters taught from the time they enter the work for which they have aptitude, talent and inclination, and leave them generally where they are contented and successful and not shift them about from house to house, pillar to post, without serious reason. We ought to know by this time that a work one does not care anything about she will not put much effort or interest in.To stand the hardships in connection with every occupation, one must have some liking for it and be qualified to succeed. And then there will be plenty of room to love God and suffer for Him, and any number of chances to practice the highest degree of religious perfection—entire abnegation, if you will. Such a one can be on the way to Gethsemane every day with greater fervor rather than murmurs.As a general rule, people who have worked the greater part of their lives or years in certain works, particularly when they reach the years of about forty, adapt themselves with great difficulty to an entirely different kind. Theyneed the efforts and thoughts as well, of younger years to correspond with their generosity and good will. First of all to grasp the situation, and then a renewing of energy, as it were, they need new thoughts to keep in progress with the changing conditions. I cannot see that we have to be a misfit to be a good religious, and to cripple every natural gift—physically or intellectually.It takes years of study, practice and experience to acquire the knowledge to fit ones self for the proper and successful way of handling any work or business. People who are every year, or every few years, starting something new, are always beginners, possessing a superficial or smattering knowledge of many things, and thorough in none.This is the way our house is largely represented here now—and we wonder what is the matter! "What has happened, St. Vincent's?" The greater wonder is that things go on as well as they do.Another mistake our people make is that of ousting out of office those who do have the good will and energy to capacitate themselves for their work and prove a success all round by making a little more of themselves than the ordinary hum-drum routine sisters. The spirit of the rule is one kind of spirit—and there are other spirits. If I have not the spirit, God forgive me. There are plenty of others who have not the spirit. Is it the spirit when one is successful in an office and in all her dealings with the people she comes in contact with, to not even make an effort to have harmony and understanding on the part of her superiors if misunderstanding and discord exists? They are not able to face you with one correction or complaint, but through the religious system, under cover of allthat is holy, to oust her and throw her down and out, as it were, regardless of human feelings or sense of righteousness—no, not even common civility. Anyone not made of cast-iron is bound to break—body and spirit—under such tremendous pressure.Such is Sister Rita's case, for one.Yours as ever,SISTER LUCRETIA,S. C. S. P.
Dear Mother Wilfrid:
I will bring a few other points before you, Mother, which means inharmony in our order. I do not intend to convey to you the idea that I am an oracle of success. The intention being simply to consider some of the principal essentials required for success. Just a little mental view of things.
We all admit that experience is a great teacher—observation its necessary accompaniment. Both are in vain unless a practical application can be made of the lessons to be learned from them.
One of the first essentials of success is common honesty. If those who have had experience in one kind of work could only dare to be sincere enough to express the difficulties they meet, in such a manner as to better conditions. What's in the way? Prejudice, the fear of not standing high as a perfect religious, sisters, whether qualified for leadership or not, ambitious for high offices. If the companion should be a little more gifted in some things than the superior, she should make herself so small and subservient that she can scarcely think. If she cannot look scared, stand back and look perfectly mum. She is proud, independent, trespassing on the superior's rights, disloyal and rebelling against all rightful and lawful authority. She is placed in a responsible position and not permitted to be woman enough to be justified in her own actions. She has to of necessity, due to inorganization, make a blunder ofherself and her work. We are constantly blundering and straightening out after each other. Experience should have taught some of us how to improve upon blundering ways. Take for one thing, the frequent changing of the sisters without system or method, often for no reason—then because some have put their heads together to bare so-and-so out, they have to eat "black bread." She has given offence—God alone knows for what trifle. She must be punished and made unsuccessful even if the house and place where she is will suffer the loss of her good and successful work. This might be saying a good deal for a subordinate, but it is the price paid for lessons taught by experience. We will have better organization only when we will have our sisters taught from the time they enter the work for which they have aptitude, talent and inclination, and leave them generally where they are contented and successful and not shift them about from house to house, pillar to post, without serious reason. We ought to know by this time that a work one does not care anything about she will not put much effort or interest in.
To stand the hardships in connection with every occupation, one must have some liking for it and be qualified to succeed. And then there will be plenty of room to love God and suffer for Him, and any number of chances to practice the highest degree of religious perfection—entire abnegation, if you will. Such a one can be on the way to Gethsemane every day with greater fervor rather than murmurs.
As a general rule, people who have worked the greater part of their lives or years in certain works, particularly when they reach the years of about forty, adapt themselves with great difficulty to an entirely different kind. Theyneed the efforts and thoughts as well, of younger years to correspond with their generosity and good will. First of all to grasp the situation, and then a renewing of energy, as it were, they need new thoughts to keep in progress with the changing conditions. I cannot see that we have to be a misfit to be a good religious, and to cripple every natural gift—physically or intellectually.
It takes years of study, practice and experience to acquire the knowledge to fit ones self for the proper and successful way of handling any work or business. People who are every year, or every few years, starting something new, are always beginners, possessing a superficial or smattering knowledge of many things, and thorough in none.
This is the way our house is largely represented here now—and we wonder what is the matter! "What has happened, St. Vincent's?" The greater wonder is that things go on as well as they do.
Another mistake our people make is that of ousting out of office those who do have the good will and energy to capacitate themselves for their work and prove a success all round by making a little more of themselves than the ordinary hum-drum routine sisters. The spirit of the rule is one kind of spirit—and there are other spirits. If I have not the spirit, God forgive me. There are plenty of others who have not the spirit. Is it the spirit when one is successful in an office and in all her dealings with the people she comes in contact with, to not even make an effort to have harmony and understanding on the part of her superiors if misunderstanding and discord exists? They are not able to face you with one correction or complaint, but through the religious system, under cover of allthat is holy, to oust her and throw her down and out, as it were, regardless of human feelings or sense of righteousness—no, not even common civility. Anyone not made of cast-iron is bound to break—body and spirit—under such tremendous pressure.
Yours as ever,SISTER LUCRETIA,S. C. S. P.
I want it strictly understood by my readers that all the letters I have here produced were written by me while I was yet a sister at St. Vincent's Hospital, and superintendent of the third floor of that institution. I could tell the same facts without the evidence of these letters, and in a great many less words, but I wish to let the world know that I knew while there that the governing heads of the institution were doing nothing to better the then existing conditions of inharmony and discord among the sisters; but, on the other hand, were making matters worse for them by transferring older sisters who were acquainted with the work and supplanting them with younger sisters who were ignorant in the care of the sick.
In a few words the wrongs could be summed up as follows:
National hatred and jealousy;
The rule of the system compelling the sisters to report on the other sisters to the superior, which means a great many false reports;
The employment of sisters who had no previous experience, and the transferring of those who did know about the care of the sick;
Superiors who were absolutely unqualified for hospital work;
Non-care of sick sisters;
Ignorance and blind obedience;
The numberless religious practices which took us away from the sick, very often when they needed the most careful attention;
Besides the taking care of the sick, the many other obligations which the sisters were called upon to perform—such as laundry work, janitor work, kitchen work, etc.
And no one to go to for redress in case of wrong.
On the tenth of July, 1911, I went to Vancouver, Washington, for my annual retreat. Immediately upon my return to St. Vincent's, July 19, I was summoned to the room of the Provincial Superior, Mother Nazareth, and she informed me that I had been "nominated" to go to Cranbrook, B. C., saying that as my health had not been very good for some time, the change would be good for me. I had undergone a very serious operation some time before this, from which I had not fully recovered. The nervous strain caused by the troubles within the order had not been of any physical benefit to me, owing to the weakened condition of my system from the operation. So I told Mother Nazareth that I did not think that going up in the mountains where the climate was so cold would be very beneficial to my health. I also told her that I did not think that my health was the reason for my removal, but that it was on account of reports, and I wished to know what some of them were. She refused to tell me, and I told her that if she did not care to, or would not, I would go to higher authority, the Superior General.
Talk about system, and the traveling of news! On July 21st, two days after I was informed that I was to go to Cranbrook, I received the following letter:
House of Providence,Vancouver, Wash., July 20, 1911.Sister Lucretia,St. Vincent's Hospital, Portland, Ore.Dear Sister:I am informed by your Provincial Superior that you refuse to accept your nomination to another house.Please write me to that effect.Awaiting your answer within a reasonable time, I am,Very sincerely yours,(Seal)SISTER MARY JULIAN,Superior General.
House of Providence,Vancouver, Wash., July 20, 1911.Sister Lucretia,St. Vincent's Hospital, Portland, Ore.Dear Sister:I am informed by your Provincial Superior that you refuse to accept your nomination to another house.
Please write me to that effect.
Awaiting your answer within a reasonable time, I am,
Very sincerely yours,(Seal)SISTER MARY JULIAN,Superior General.
Can you see how the sisters work to keep ahead of all the other sisters? Using, if necessary, unfair and unjust methods to attain their ends. I had told Mother Nazareth that I would go over her head, and from all evidence she must have immediately sent a messenger to the Superior General with the message that was written me in that letter, which was not true. I had not refused to accept the appointment, but had asked the reason for such a change. Our rule on "Fraternal Charity" and the "Roman Circular" from the Pope, says to "tell the wrongdoer of her faults." So I had the right to be given the reason for my change, after all the reports I had received of my very "irreligious conduct."
Instead of writing to the Superior General, as requested in her letter, I went in person. I asked her to tell me some of the reports she had against me. She informed me that she had heard many reports about me, but that she didnot have to tell me. I told her that if I was to correct myself of my faults, I should know what some of them were. She told me that she had heard reports about me counseling a young sister to leave the community, when she was in Missoula, Montana, long before she was Superior General. This I flatly denied, as I had not done so, and I asked her to name the sister, but she refused to do so. She also informed me that a great fault of mine was that I would not report on the other sisters. I told her that this was very true, and that I would not report on the other sisters unless there was something very wrong to report, as I did not think it was right. She became very angry after me questioning her, and said, "I am the authority and you are the subject, and you have nothing to do but to obey your superiors." I said, "All right, I made a vow of obedience, and I will obey; I will go where you send me, and I will do what I am told, but it will be mine to tell the story."
On my return to St. Vincent's, I went direct to Mother Nazareth and asked her if she had any fault to find with my work. She replied, "No." I asked her if she had any fault to find with my character. She replied "No."
I then went to my local superior, Sister Alexander, to whom by rule I was obliged to go every month to give an account of my spiritual and material progress or difficulties. It was her duty to tell me if she had any fault to find. She had never found any fault with me all the time she had been my superior, except that I had once given some food to an employee without her permission. I asked her the same questions I had asked Mother Nazareth in regard to my work and character, and she answered the same as Mother Nazareth had. I told her that no one ever had anyfaults against me before, why all the reports and faults now? To this she made no reply.
My rule gave me the right to appeal to ecclesiastical authority for redress of grievances if I was not satisfied with the decision of my women superiors. So I next went to Archbishop Alexander Christie.
I told him of the wrongs which were causing me many heartaches and sorrows, and also the report the Superior General had told me she had heard so many years before. He told me that the Superior General had no right to handle me on reports she had heard before she had been in office, according to Church or Canon law. He said that I had made a vow of obedience and that the best thing I could do was to obey for the present and maybe he could do something for me later.
I had heard from priests about the justice of Archbishop Christie's Coadjutor, or Vicar General, as he is called, Monsignor Rauw, so I decided to go to him and see if he could intercede for me, or at least cause an investigation. He listened very intently and, seemingly, with much interest to my story of the injust treatment I was receiving, how I had spent so many years in the service of the community and church. In tears and sorrow I appealed to him to see that the right was done, not that I was complaining about my appointment to another mission, but I was complaining about my appointment to this particular mission on account of the climatic conditions, and in the manner in which I was being sent. There must have been some reason for all this—and I knew well what it was—but I could get no one to tell me so I could defend myself. When I had finished telling my story to this great "holy father," he stood up, and holding himself together with both hands,said, with much force, "In religion we have to make big sacrifices!"
Sacrifice! I was all but sacrificed then, and to get an answer like that from the last one I could appeal to for right! It is impossible to find words to express the feeling that came over me. My heart and very being became chilled. I shuddered at the very thought of religion. In my novitiate I had been taught that if at any time during my community life I would be in need of fatherly kindness and redress, I was free to go in all childlike simplicity to authorized priests or bishops. This was the first time in all my service to the church that I had asked anything of the priestly "fathers." It had always beenmyservice and sacrificing for them. And now, when it was my turn to look for some assistance in my extreme oppression—when only a few words from any one of them would have caused the sun of justice to shine on my life—they stood by and did not say a word in my behalf.
"His watchmen are blind: they are all ignorant, they are all dumb dogs, they cannot bark; sleeping, lying down, loving to slumber. Yea, they are greedy dogs which can never have enough, and they are shepherds that cannot understand: they all look to their own way, every one for his gain, from his quarter. Come ye, say they, I will fetch wine, and we will fill ourselves with strong drink; and tomorrow shall be as this day, and much more abundant." (Isaiah, 56:10,12.)
In all my attempts for redress, the only word of encouragement I had received was from Archbishop Christie, who had said that he "might be able to do something for me later." But, as for the present, I could clearly see that nothing could be done, except for me to reconcile myself to my removal and go.
Remember, dear reader, that I had served eighteen years at St. Vincent's, and it had become as a home to me. Not only had eighteen years of my service been utilized in building this institution, but I had sold hundreds and hundreds of little cards to my friends and patients for five cents each, each card representing a brick in the building. More than that, I loved the work and had made hundreds of friends from every part of Oregon, administering to them in sickness. But laying all these things aside, I wanted to go and have it over with.
So I packed the wreck of a trunk that was assigned to me with what few belongings I had, stealing in a few forbidden books and pictures. In all cases of removals of sisters, the superior is supposed to examine the trunk, but for some reason, unknown to me, the superior did not examine mine, so I succeeded in keeping a great many little articles which otherwise I would not have.
During the last two days, I avoided meeting everyone possible for the final adieu, as the despotic and un-Christian manner of my removal was too sensibly present to me. The friends I did meet expressed great sympathy for me and often there was bitterness of tears from both of us. One of the leading physicians of the staff halted me near the main office, and in the presence of Sister Rita, told me that it was criminal to me after the years of service to that institution and at my years and poor health. He said that it was heartless and most un-Christian treatment. This little speech caused me to think differently of Protestants than I had in the past—that in the end I would rather go to the Protestant heaven than to ever again meet some of these "holy fathers and religious saints."
On July 26th, I left for Cranbrook in company withMother Nazareth. On leaving St. Vincent's, I placed my arm over my eyes so that I could not see the sisters, or other friends, or even the building where I had lived so long. This was the first of many long, sad, sorrowful days for me.
We arrived at our destination on July 28th, at one o'clock in the morning. The institution which was to be my new home, was a small hospital, which could accommodate about sixty patients.
The next morning, Mother Nazareth and my new superior, Sister Mary Vincent, assigned me to my new work. I was to serve in the dining-rooms—including the priest's—wash dishes, take care of the halls, the sister's community room and the priest's apartment, and to do the work that would be necessary in and about the building. Then, to make everything more "pleasing" for me, they told me that in the near future I could go begging as I had done in my younger years. To this, I told them that I would go,providingthat I could be home every night, as I did not think I was physically able to be out nights as I had in years past.
This was all for the benefit of my health, and this same Mother Nazareth, who was helping the superior assign me to my work, was the one that told me the change was for that purpose.
After years of struggle and convent slavery, endeavoring to make myself efficient in nursing, this the reward. If I had not been strong and robust, I could never have lasted as long as I had. The average girl in this drudgery goes years before she reaches the age I was at that time. But the years of grind and confinement had begun to tell onme, and the heads of the institution—sly old foxes—could see it; so I had to go.
"Authority intoxicates,And makes mere sots of magistrates;The fumes of it invade the brain,And make men giddy, proud and vain;By this the fool commands the wise,The noble with the base complies,The sot assumes the rule of wit,And cowards make the brave submit."
—Butler.
I was now permitted to be on mission with my own blood sister, Sister Cassilda. After having been estranged and poisoned in mind against me by the system for over twenty years, she was to be an example for making me a "good religious." And, poor girl, she sure enough was a "good example" of the products of the Roman convent system. She had been on Indian mission nearly all of her sisterhood life. For five years, without ever seeing civilization, she was kept at the Blackfoot Indian Mission, in Alta Territory, B. C. I remember once when she came to Vancouver, Washington, for her retreat, the poor, dear girl looked as primitive as the American natives she had been taking care of. Her sensibilities were dulled from the long practice of mortification and the endurance of terrible hardships. She did not realize it, but she was verily an object of pity. Oh, how sorry I felt, to have my sister there with me, and yet no sister to talk to, owing to the moulding and shaping we had undergone by the Roman Catholic system.
Even though she had never had any previous experience in caring for the sick, she was, at the time I went to Cranbrook, assistant superior of the hospital there. And after all the years I had served in nursing, I was under her direction.
A short time after my arrival at my new mission I received a letter from my dear friend, Sister Rita, as follows:
Dear Lucretia:Another change. Now they say Mere General (Mother General) intends leaving for your place Thursday the 10th (August 10th). I am not stealing your letter out, as I read it to Mother Nazareth, also to Sister Alexander, then told them that I wanted to see that it got off.You need your reputation and I would make them prove thelies. You were missioned through reports of companions who were out of their rule for not warning you first. Then, superiors have their rule. You have obeyed. Now you sift the matter, though stay in the community and make them take good care of you. That is only fair and just before God and man. When they make use of religion to cover dirty politics it is time to make them face it. You may show this to Mother General or anybody else.With love, fromRITA.
Dear Lucretia:
Another change. Now they say Mere General (Mother General) intends leaving for your place Thursday the 10th (August 10th). I am not stealing your letter out, as I read it to Mother Nazareth, also to Sister Alexander, then told them that I wanted to see that it got off.
You need your reputation and I would make them prove thelies. You were missioned through reports of companions who were out of their rule for not warning you first. Then, superiors have their rule. You have obeyed. Now you sift the matter, though stay in the community and make them take good care of you. That is only fair and just before God and man. When they make use of religion to cover dirty politics it is time to make them face it. You may show this to Mother General or anybody else.
With love, from
RITA.
Another letter I received from Sister Mary Winifred, about this time, will explain itself:
Providence Academy, Vancouver, Wash.August 13, 1911.Dear Sister Lucretia:Last week I spent a few days in Portland and it isneedless to say that I missed you very much, as do all your friends there.From conversations at recreation I understand that your change was made doubly painful by false charges. You have my heartfelt sympathy in this, for I have experienced that painful ordeal, and I say God help those who must go through it. Let me say to you what dear Father Schram said to me, "Be thankful that you are the accused rather than the accuser. I would rather be in your place than theirs." It is only a matter of time; justice will assert itself in spite of all human power. Your sorrow will be turned into joy. Be brave, dear sister, this will all be righted.There are some hard things in religious life. God knows why! The words of our dear Lord, "For which of my favors would you stone me," must come to the mind of some religious often during life.Now, dear sister, I must close.Believe me in union of prayer and suffering.Yours ever,SISTER M. WINIFRED.
Providence Academy, Vancouver, Wash.August 13, 1911.Dear Sister Lucretia:
Last week I spent a few days in Portland and it isneedless to say that I missed you very much, as do all your friends there.
From conversations at recreation I understand that your change was made doubly painful by false charges. You have my heartfelt sympathy in this, for I have experienced that painful ordeal, and I say God help those who must go through it. Let me say to you what dear Father Schram said to me, "Be thankful that you are the accused rather than the accuser. I would rather be in your place than theirs." It is only a matter of time; justice will assert itself in spite of all human power. Your sorrow will be turned into joy. Be brave, dear sister, this will all be righted.
There are some hard things in religious life. God knows why! The words of our dear Lord, "For which of my favors would you stone me," must come to the mind of some religious often during life.
Now, dear sister, I must close.
Believe me in union of prayer and suffering.
Yours ever,
SISTER M. WINIFRED.
Mother General Julian visited Cranbrook on August 13, 1911, and I endeavored to have her right matters, but to no avail. So I decided to write my complaints to Archbishop Christie of Portland. These letters also explain the most important points of the visit of Mother General Julian of August 13th.
St. Eugene Hospital,Cranbrook, B. C., August 17, 1911.Most Reverend A. Christie, D.D.,Portland, Oregon.Very Dear Bishop:I am now here three weeks lacking one day; needless to say that I have not been feeling very well, for in the manner I had to take my dismissal from St. Vincent's and move out to mission, I do not think it hardly possible for me to feel extra good, either mentally or physically, unless one was made of cast-iron.Your Grace, I hate to trouble you; I know you must have enough care on your mind and heavy responsibilities. Nevertheless, I beg you to listen to me a little while. I feel it an awful strain upon my mind and weight upon my heart to have to submit to so much downright cruelty and injustice. Power made use of to take advantage of others. My removal was prompted through ambition and jealousy. I was too successful and well liked, and no means could be found to break my influence except by taking advantage of my sacred vow of obedience to get me out of their way. Now what is this but making use of religion to play dirty politics? This change was brought about over my provincial's head. Our rule says reports are to go to the provincial and she is to make the change or report for such to higher authority. In the visit of our Mother General here, August 13, 1911, I told her I was not satisfied nor at peace in the service of God about the way I had been changed, because I had to feel too keenly that it was as a punishment influenced by reports. She then said that she might have been influenced and talkedto the effect that she had all right to make any change, whatever the reasons were. She said that she had reports and that she did not need to tell me where they came from or what they were. I said that if she expected me to correct myself for what was reported against me, I thought I should be told. She insisted that I had been told. I said the only thing I had been told, the one and only charge you already made "counseling a young sister to leave the community," which I positively denied and said that I might ask an investigation. Moreover, you had this against me before you were in office and I did not believe you could use it against me, even were it true.Is it not convenient to get into power and take advantage of another for all reports and remarks ever heard about you, years before they knew you?When I spoke of investigation, she said that she did not say that I was not telling the truth in denying the charge she made. I answered that it was easy to say that now, but the mischief was done; that I was thrown out of the occupation I worked so very hard to become efficient and useful in, and that I did not feel that it should be required of me to begin over as if I was twenty or twenty-five, neither did I think it was required of me to mould myself over according to every new superior's individual ways of thinking and liking, nor to run and jump about my work like a young soldier on picket duty.I don't claim perfection or sanctity, simply doing the best I know how, and at the same time trying to make the most of myself, becoming a decent human being and Sister of Charity. If I did not appear religious enough to please every sister that knows or hears of me, I could not help it. If I did good work and behaved myself inaccordance with our rules and constitution, I thought this was a good deal to be taken into account; and that I did not think that one should be so easily trifled with and annoyed to desperation over faults and imperfections that we are all, more or less, subject to, and for me to be treated like this was injurious to my mind and health.She (Mother General) said this was a nice place for me, and I did not need to work if I did not feel well, and that I could do the same work I had done before if I wanted to do it and resign myself.This is the kind of redress we have, Your Grace. They can even dispense the subject from any or all activity when it could mean torment to some one in their "black book."I told her I wanted to find out if the church had nothing to say concerning these matters, and also the way I had been removed from office, without one bit of consideration, either for my years of service in the community, which I thought was church service, or my ability or experience. It made no difference in the least how I felt, or what it had cost me to fit myself for my work. All that seemed required on their part was to show me and give me to understand that I was not needed or wanted any longer.Dismissal in a heartless manner from the work in which I have suffered all sorts of inconveniences, wretched trials due to narrowness, which I could enumerate to you, but would be too lengthy to write. God alone knows the circumstances under which I had to learn my lessons to fit myself for the work I did and managed. I had to be orderly, diet-cook, dish-washer, scrub-woman, painter, seamstress, account-keeper, collector—also take names and history of the patients, nurse and overseeing other nurses'work—these and other things have been my daily round of duties.Nice time of the day and years of my life for my superiors to say to my face that they have no fault to find with my work and none of character, and at the same time to do what they have done in the name of good under cover of religion, claiming all right because authority is theirs. Must unfit and unscrupulous ones be left to have their own way entirely? Has justice no weight or meaning in the government of church organizations?Does it seem fair to take one away from a work that she knows well and gave satisfaction, without giving one a single reason, and put beginners in her place and send the experienced one where beginners ought to start from? If I were even needed here! It really seems as if pleasure had to be taken in seeing how far one could be driven. It is maddening for the victim who has to stand it. I could not have the good will I ought to have, these things embitter one and in conscience I cannot hold myself accountable before God. It is discouraging and checks the better feelings, desires and efforts in doing their best, and in time the result will be callousness, indifference and unfitness for any good whatever. This way of doing is applying the system of authority in the old accustomed way when they want to make a human machine of one—is to deprive them of all chances of interest in life, the final result is bound to be physical and mental break-down or nervous wreck—as I have seen it too many times, unfortunately. Going through this process a number of times hurries our sisters to some cemetery or asylum.Your Grace, I feel to ask an investigation unless I canbe given assurance that I shall be reinstated in my former work and have my name restored.Our superiors claim that even an Archbishop has nothing to say in these matters in an order governed by a Mother General. That would be news to me. I thought he was our first ecclesiastical head of church affairs in his domain. I know in Canada the Mother General is not over Archbishop Bruchasie. There might be a big difference in the States, probably in the West.Your Grace, I am sorry and humiliated to have to trouble you in this unpleasant manner about so much awful disagreeableness, but I could not endure it without doing my utmost to get such unfairness righted. I cannot tell you in words how much I appreciate knowing you as I do, and that I feel perfectly at home in addressing myself to you during this time of difficulties. I hope and pray that your health remains good, Your Grace.Awaiting an answer, with much esteem and very best regards,Yours sincerely and respectfully,SISTER LUCRETIA,S. C. S. P.
St. Eugene Hospital,Cranbrook, B. C., August 17, 1911.
Most Reverend A. Christie, D.D.,Portland, Oregon.Very Dear Bishop:
I am now here three weeks lacking one day; needless to say that I have not been feeling very well, for in the manner I had to take my dismissal from St. Vincent's and move out to mission, I do not think it hardly possible for me to feel extra good, either mentally or physically, unless one was made of cast-iron.
Your Grace, I hate to trouble you; I know you must have enough care on your mind and heavy responsibilities. Nevertheless, I beg you to listen to me a little while. I feel it an awful strain upon my mind and weight upon my heart to have to submit to so much downright cruelty and injustice. Power made use of to take advantage of others. My removal was prompted through ambition and jealousy. I was too successful and well liked, and no means could be found to break my influence except by taking advantage of my sacred vow of obedience to get me out of their way. Now what is this but making use of religion to play dirty politics? This change was brought about over my provincial's head. Our rule says reports are to go to the provincial and she is to make the change or report for such to higher authority. In the visit of our Mother General here, August 13, 1911, I told her I was not satisfied nor at peace in the service of God about the way I had been changed, because I had to feel too keenly that it was as a punishment influenced by reports. She then said that she might have been influenced and talkedto the effect that she had all right to make any change, whatever the reasons were. She said that she had reports and that she did not need to tell me where they came from or what they were. I said that if she expected me to correct myself for what was reported against me, I thought I should be told. She insisted that I had been told. I said the only thing I had been told, the one and only charge you already made "counseling a young sister to leave the community," which I positively denied and said that I might ask an investigation. Moreover, you had this against me before you were in office and I did not believe you could use it against me, even were it true.
Is it not convenient to get into power and take advantage of another for all reports and remarks ever heard about you, years before they knew you?
When I spoke of investigation, she said that she did not say that I was not telling the truth in denying the charge she made. I answered that it was easy to say that now, but the mischief was done; that I was thrown out of the occupation I worked so very hard to become efficient and useful in, and that I did not feel that it should be required of me to begin over as if I was twenty or twenty-five, neither did I think it was required of me to mould myself over according to every new superior's individual ways of thinking and liking, nor to run and jump about my work like a young soldier on picket duty.
I don't claim perfection or sanctity, simply doing the best I know how, and at the same time trying to make the most of myself, becoming a decent human being and Sister of Charity. If I did not appear religious enough to please every sister that knows or hears of me, I could not help it. If I did good work and behaved myself inaccordance with our rules and constitution, I thought this was a good deal to be taken into account; and that I did not think that one should be so easily trifled with and annoyed to desperation over faults and imperfections that we are all, more or less, subject to, and for me to be treated like this was injurious to my mind and health.
She (Mother General) said this was a nice place for me, and I did not need to work if I did not feel well, and that I could do the same work I had done before if I wanted to do it and resign myself.
This is the kind of redress we have, Your Grace. They can even dispense the subject from any or all activity when it could mean torment to some one in their "black book."
I told her I wanted to find out if the church had nothing to say concerning these matters, and also the way I had been removed from office, without one bit of consideration, either for my years of service in the community, which I thought was church service, or my ability or experience. It made no difference in the least how I felt, or what it had cost me to fit myself for my work. All that seemed required on their part was to show me and give me to understand that I was not needed or wanted any longer.
Dismissal in a heartless manner from the work in which I have suffered all sorts of inconveniences, wretched trials due to narrowness, which I could enumerate to you, but would be too lengthy to write. God alone knows the circumstances under which I had to learn my lessons to fit myself for the work I did and managed. I had to be orderly, diet-cook, dish-washer, scrub-woman, painter, seamstress, account-keeper, collector—also take names and history of the patients, nurse and overseeing other nurses'work—these and other things have been my daily round of duties.
Nice time of the day and years of my life for my superiors to say to my face that they have no fault to find with my work and none of character, and at the same time to do what they have done in the name of good under cover of religion, claiming all right because authority is theirs. Must unfit and unscrupulous ones be left to have their own way entirely? Has justice no weight or meaning in the government of church organizations?
Does it seem fair to take one away from a work that she knows well and gave satisfaction, without giving one a single reason, and put beginners in her place and send the experienced one where beginners ought to start from? If I were even needed here! It really seems as if pleasure had to be taken in seeing how far one could be driven. It is maddening for the victim who has to stand it. I could not have the good will I ought to have, these things embitter one and in conscience I cannot hold myself accountable before God. It is discouraging and checks the better feelings, desires and efforts in doing their best, and in time the result will be callousness, indifference and unfitness for any good whatever. This way of doing is applying the system of authority in the old accustomed way when they want to make a human machine of one—is to deprive them of all chances of interest in life, the final result is bound to be physical and mental break-down or nervous wreck—as I have seen it too many times, unfortunately. Going through this process a number of times hurries our sisters to some cemetery or asylum.
Your Grace, I feel to ask an investigation unless I canbe given assurance that I shall be reinstated in my former work and have my name restored.
Our superiors claim that even an Archbishop has nothing to say in these matters in an order governed by a Mother General. That would be news to me. I thought he was our first ecclesiastical head of church affairs in his domain. I know in Canada the Mother General is not over Archbishop Bruchasie. There might be a big difference in the States, probably in the West.
Your Grace, I am sorry and humiliated to have to trouble you in this unpleasant manner about so much awful disagreeableness, but I could not endure it without doing my utmost to get such unfairness righted. I cannot tell you in words how much I appreciate knowing you as I do, and that I feel perfectly at home in addressing myself to you during this time of difficulties. I hope and pray that your health remains good, Your Grace.
Awaiting an answer, with much esteem and very best regards,
Yours sincerely and respectfully,
SISTER LUCRETIA,
S. C. S. P.
Letter No. 2:
St. Eugene Hospital,Cranbrook, B. C., August 28, 1911.Very dear Archbishop Christie:Your Grace, the large letter enclosed in this envelope, dated August 17th, I intended to send at the time, and after I had written it, I thought it was better for me to come to Portland and see you, as some matters in it mightrequire further explanation than I could express in writing, because I wanted you to know the true state of things, and for fear that I might induce you to do anything rash in regard to me, I thought it better to bring the letter myself.When Mother General was here on August 13, 1911, I told her that I might ask an investigation. She said it was alright, that I could do so if I wanted to. I supposed that this included my permission to come and see you when I decided to do so—if I needed permission from the lesser authority to speak to the higher. I had told Mother Nazareth that I wanted to go to Portland to see my higher superior on a matter of conscience.August 26th, last Saturday, I asked her for her pass or transportation to Portland. She said her pass was in Portland and that she would send for it and that it would be here by Wednesday. Instead of that she communicated with our Mother General, this morning she told me so, and that neither Mother General nor she could give me permission or money to go to Portland. I was frank with Mother Nazareth when she spoke of money; I said I could wait a few days for the pass. I cannot understand why this deception. I do not feel good over it, after telling her that I had Mother General's consent for what I was to do. Our people are afraid to make one move without Canada. I do not suppose from this transaction that Mother Nazareth gave Mother General an agreeable account of me since I am here.
St. Eugene Hospital,Cranbrook, B. C., August 28, 1911.
Very dear Archbishop Christie:
Your Grace, the large letter enclosed in this envelope, dated August 17th, I intended to send at the time, and after I had written it, I thought it was better for me to come to Portland and see you, as some matters in it mightrequire further explanation than I could express in writing, because I wanted you to know the true state of things, and for fear that I might induce you to do anything rash in regard to me, I thought it better to bring the letter myself.
When Mother General was here on August 13, 1911, I told her that I might ask an investigation. She said it was alright, that I could do so if I wanted to. I supposed that this included my permission to come and see you when I decided to do so—if I needed permission from the lesser authority to speak to the higher. I had told Mother Nazareth that I wanted to go to Portland to see my higher superior on a matter of conscience.
August 26th, last Saturday, I asked her for her pass or transportation to Portland. She said her pass was in Portland and that she would send for it and that it would be here by Wednesday. Instead of that she communicated with our Mother General, this morning she told me so, and that neither Mother General nor she could give me permission or money to go to Portland. I was frank with Mother Nazareth when she spoke of money; I said I could wait a few days for the pass. I cannot understand why this deception. I do not feel good over it, after telling her that I had Mother General's consent for what I was to do. Our people are afraid to make one move without Canada. I do not suppose from this transaction that Mother Nazareth gave Mother General an agreeable account of me since I am here.