CHAPTER XIII.
The Moral and Spiritual Cobblers Adopt Physical Coercion.—Squads.—Dog-Flea-Monkey Officers.—Brain Embalming College.—Encouraging Success of the Gangs.
Illustration: DECORATED LETTER ‘T’.
THEN did the numerous Chaos Straighteners and Moral and Spiritual Cobblers, seeing that they had the hearty appreciation of the Church of the Fleas, in their efforts to spiritually “save” the bodily starved dogs, feel much encouraged, and began to devise how they might improve, strengthen and enlarge their saving methods. Having religiously gone out of their way to coax and beguile the poor, depraved and rib-stripped dogs into becoming good—though having religiously remainedintheir way while all the fleas, big and little, had depraved them—it was naturally easy to go one step further and supplement their beguilements with a little coercion. They reasoned that if it was right to hold nice moral persuasives to the dogs’ noses to draw them onward and upward, it could not be wrong to club them in the same direction from behind. They said the “Getting to Heaven” was the main thing, and that even if a dog had to be taken by the tail and flung over the wall thereof, and landed inside with a flop that shook his bowels out, it was infinitely more merciful to him than allowing him to go easily to Hell.
So they divided themselves into groups and squads for the purpose of surrounding the dogs. To the churchy squads was assigned the duty of standing in a little narrow, dingy and very uninviting moral alley-way, which they euphemisticallycalled the “Way to Heaven,” and with call whistles and Jews-harps and kazoos calling the dogs’ attention to pretty pictures at the far end of the alley-way, representing green fields and flowing streams, and big piles of very meaty bones, and fat and full dogs snoozing thereby, and other scenes supposed to be attractive to starving dogs. Another churchy band strewed lollipops, drops of gravy and other seducements along the alley-way.
These two bands called themselves “The Society of Strenuous Endeavorists,” because they “endeavored” to cajole and persuade flea-bitten and depraved dogs to go up the dingy alley-way.
Other squads planted themselves here and there at various strategic points, where dogs were likely to break away, and “endeavored” by more or less violent methods, to turn the faces of the dogs towards the dingy alley-way and force them, by goads and prods and clubs, to be persuaded by the Endeavorists and Lollipoppers. These squads proudly called themselves by various distinguishing names, such as the “Go to Church or be Clubbed Society;” “The Yanking Dogs Heaven-ward Association;” “The Order of Holy Whackers and Thwackers;” “The Compulsory Holiness Society;” “The A. A. U. S. G. B. & L,” which being interpreted, means “The Association for the Advancement of the Use of Sanctification Generating Billies and Locusts;” “The Society for the Promotion of Pious Poverty;” “The Society for the Suppression of Natural Consequences and the Sundering of Cause and Effect;” “The Gulp-a-Camel-and-Gag-at-a-Gnat Society,” and the “Dog Souling and Healing Association.”
These squads were all officered by fat and comfortable mongrel creatures, one third dog, one third flea, and the rest monkey, whose qualifications for the headship thereof were that while young they had graduated from a certain College of the fleas established to teach the doctrine that virtue in dogs had no relation to their living carcases, but could be arbitrarily produced in anydog by thrusting him into a certain conventional moral mould, and thumping, walloping, pounding and hammering him until he fit it. After several years of training in this School where they saw thousands of dogs broken and smashed and distorted,but never a one made to fit, and they themselves had laboriously tried to make dogs fit the mould, but never did, they were examined as to their proficiency in the science and art of achieving moral failure; and as to their belief in the Attainability of the Impossible; and if the examination was satisfactory they signed a solemn declaration that they were true believers in that self-same blessed doctrine.
Whereupon the Principals opened their heads to see if their brains werereallyfull of that doctrine, and if so they poured therein a ladleful of an antiseptic compound called “Compound Concentrated Quintessence of Pig-Headed Bourbonism” that was warranted to keep sound and immovably fix that doctrine in their brains all their lives; then they hermetically sealed up the opening against the entrance of any displacing idea, and turned the creature abroad upon the earth with a diploma certifying that the holder thereof had been duly treated, and had had his brain properly embalmed, and was thereafter incapable of receiving any other idea if he lived a million years.
Now, all these gangs and squads had very “encouraging success” in their work. That is to say thesuccesswas not much—in truth it was very little—but what there was of it was veryencouragingto them because they were incapable of perceiving failure. Not many dogs could be induced by the Strenuous Endeavorists and Lollipoppers to go up the dingy alley-way, and of the few who went to the far end thereof, most returned saying that, barring the lollipops and drops of gravy, the fullness and plenty was all wretchedly pictorial, and the air was so heavy and stagnant, and the surroundings so dull and dreary that they preferred to go back and be damned hungry, rather than be “saved” hungry. In fact they had got so used to being damned hungry that it hurt less than the hungry “salvation.”
But over the little few who stayed in the Way to Heaven the Strenuous Endeavorists made great rejoicings; they labelled them Spared Monuments, packed them carefully in wadding and toted them round to the churches of the fleas and exhibited them as fine samples of what could be accomplished by “never wearying in well doing,” and the Church applauded, and the Monstrous Fleas being appealed to for help in carrying on the work, sent down their blessing and a large fund to provide more lollipops and gravy, and an earnest appeal to the Strenuous Endeavorists to endeavor to devise some scheme of salvation for the poor unfortunate dogs that ground at the Handle of their Mill, and whose spiritual interests lay very near to their hearts.
Illustration: THE PRINCIPALS OPENED THEIR HEADS TO SEE IF THEIR BRAINS WERE REALLY FULL OF THAT DOCTRINE.