CHAPTER XX.
Shows How Hard it is to Establish Piety Amongst the Unregenerate; and also What Happens When the Irresistible Comes in Contact With the Immovable.—The Blue Thunderbolts.
Illustration: SOCIETY FOR THE PROTECTION OF THE ALMIGHTY.
Illustration: DECORATIVE LETTER ‘E’.
EMINENT over all the gangs whose objects were the “saving†of dogs, was the “Society for the Protection of the Almighty.†This was the gang of gangs, theeliteof the rest, the real and truly genuine born-blinds, live-blinds and die-blinds. It had its origin countless ages before the founding of Canisville, and had been in all those ages the ever-ready help of fleas in the bloody exploitation of dogs.
In the beginning did the very acute fleas discover that if dogs were to be thoroughly and easily bled, they must be taught to close their eyes and bow down and believe that over them stood a terrifically awful thing, called Almighty Wrath. And in thoseearly times most dogshadclosed their eyes and bowed down in fear of the Wrath that stood over them. And the fleas had prospered mightily thereby; for they had taken advantage of the dogs’ prostration to get on their backs in fearful numbers; and when the dogs had howled and grown restless, they had hired the salaried barkers of those times to bend over the dogs and pour into their ears that it was the Will of the Almighty that they lie quiet under the bleeding of the fleas, the penalty for disobedience of which Will was to be stricken with lightnings and everlasting destruction.
But in spite of all the terrors, divers dogs at divers times did venture with pitter-pattering hearts to slyly steal a look upward, and seeing nothing real there but fleas, and salaried barkers bending low and pouring tales of woe into the ears of prostrate dogs, did nudge their neighbors and tell them to look up and see for themselves that there was nothing there; which sometimes the neighbor timidly did, and was disillusionized; but more often the neighbor dog groaned with additional terror of the suggestion, and closed his eyes tighter than ever, and grovelled lower, and prayed that the Almighty would forgive the wickedness of the temptation and the audacity of the tempter.
However, in time quite a number got to furtively peeping up; and each dog, seeing others peeping up too, grew bold, and not only looked up, but stood up, and laughed at his own former folly and at the long lines of foolish dogs bowed down in fear of——Nothing.
Whereupon the fleas and the barkers were alarmed and counselled together as to what was best to be done; for they foresaw that if all the dogs got to looking up they would see that the Almighty Vengeance was a Fiction, and might also proceed to the impious length of casting the fleas off their backs.
So they agreed that something strong must be done, and done quickly, or the Almighty might be overthrown and perish. Some of the fleas counselled that the barkers increase their diligence in assuring the prostrate dogs of the reality of theWrath, and use more Imagination in the recital of his terrors. And certain barkers of naturally gloomy minds, who loved to wander at midnight amongst the skulls and bones of dead dogs, and to meditate until their imaginations had grown lurid, voluntarily set themselves apart to invent more horrible attributes and diabolical features to be affixed to the Almighty.
But some of the barkers objected that this would involve much labor—which, as salaried barkers, they were on principle opposed to, ease and good feed being the main object of their lives—and they proposed to protect the Almighty by a more easy (to them) and more reliable method. They said that the horrible inventions would certainly be very good for the dogs which were still prostrate, and there were, no doubt, some good, conscientious barkers to whose gloomy minds the horrible inventions would be a labor of love; but they were sure the horrible inventions would be too late for the dogs which had already looked up and got to laughing. Why not turn the protection of the Almighty over to the police dogs? Themselves would make Blue Thunderbolts, and set the police dogs to launch them at every dog discovered holding his head up and laughing. Thus the Almighty would be protected, and the heavy labor of doing it would devolve on other dogs.
This proposition was received with great favor, and was deemed a worthy supplement to the Horrible Inventions.
And it was so, that the most gloomy-minded barkers with the lurid imaginations were set apart to invent the horrible attributes to attach to the already too horrible Fiction with which they terrified the prostrate dogs. These lurid-minded barkers set to with gusto and zest, and very soon had revised and re-created him into the most bloodily cruel, pitiless and unnatural monster of ferocity and hate towards those who did not want to bow down to him, that the theology-debauched canine mind had ever conceived. This they called, generically, the Character of God. They also formulated all the particulars of the manifestation of his imaginary cruel hate, which consisted of the mostblood-freezing terrors, damnations and eternal pains, which they called by the generic name of Hell.
All these Horrible Inventions the other salaried barkers said were most glorious, blessed and eternaltruths, which had the sanction of all true believers, and they were to be poured diligently into the ears of all prostrate dogs.
And they did pour these blessed truths into their ears, with great success; for many of the dogs at the recital thereof went into fits; many went insane, and most of the rest terrifiedly burrowed deeply in the earth in their desire to prostrate themselves still lower.
But, as had been prophesied, the up-looking dogs only laughed the more at the great Almighty Fiction, and the poor fools who bowed down to it; and they even barked out blasphemous words of contempt of the new woes and the lurid-minded inventors thereof.
Illustration: EXCOMMUNICATE!
Whereupon the lurid-minded barkers, at the request of the fleas, did call in more effectual help for the protection of the Almighty; for they called in the police dogs, and gave them the Blue Thunderbolts which the other barkers had invented, and ordered them to launch them at the contumelious dogs. Which the police dogs did. And many of those contumelious dogs got it heavily in the neck, and fell over dead or sore wounded; which caused the rest of them to laugh on the other side of their mouths; for they found that although the Almighty Vengeance might be a fiction, the Blue Thunderbolts were terrible facts.
And the Blue Thunderbolt launchers got to like the sport of keeling over contumelious dogs; for it gratified their brutal instincts which would otherwise have been wasted in torturing and killing other creatures, and at the same time gave them a great reputation for piety, and zeal for God; all which was very gratifying;for they found it exceedingly cheap and easy to be pious along the line of their strongest brutal impulses. And the salaried barkers liked it too; for it released them from the hard labor of persuading the dogs to bow down to the profitable Almighty Fiction.
But the lust of keeling over contumelious dogs grew so strong that it outran the supply of dogs to be keeled over; and it often happened that the dogs, being all prostrate and in fear, the police dogs, armed with Blue Thunderbolts, found no one to launch them against; which they looked upon as a most grievous grievance; and they thereupon reproached the barkers with giving them too little to do. So the gloomy barkers, thinking that a little extra terror might be a little extra protection to the Almighty, besides keeping the police dogs in a cheerful frame of mind, went about amongst the prostrate dogs, and arbitrarily picked out many whom they charged withthinkingblasphemy and ridicule of the Almighty Fiction, and by force stood them up for the launchers of Blue Thunderbolts to knock over.
But as time went on there came from over the pond many new dogs to Canisville who did not know anything about the Almighty Fiction or Blue Thunderbolts, and they circulated amongst the prostrate dogs and hustled and jostled them and laughed at them, so that the former bold dogs, feeling encouraged, got up and laughed too; and many of the others got ashamed of their prostration, and took a little heart, and ventured to look up, and little by little, leg by leg, they got up and walked, and laughed surprisedly at seeing nothing to fear but Blue Thunderbolts; and the lazy barkers found it too much trouble to get them to lie down again; and the police dogs, being brutal and cowardly,slunk away ashamed and dropped their Blue Thunderbolts in dark holes and swamps where they rotted and rusted.
And that was how the great Almighty Fiction lost his almighty grip on the dogs and went under a cloud.
Illustration: BLUE THUNDERBOLT.