CHAPTER XXVIII.
Heaven Worketh With the Bamboozlers, Confirming Their Words, With Signs Following.—Great Experience Meeting Around the Flag.—Harry Granddadhat Tells What the Flag Hath Done for His Soul and Body.—Likewise Andronicus Carnivorous.—Wonderful Proofs of the Fact that God Helps Those Who are Not Slow at Helping Themselves.
Illustration: DECORATIVE LETTER ‘W’.
WHEN Chancy Mountebank Dephool Flea had got through with his highly successful oration, he ordered the loud-noise-producing instruments to strike up their loudest, and the pretty cloths to be waved on high with the greatest vigor, in order to keep up the effect that had been produced, and to scare away from the doorways of the dogs’ brains, any sober reflections that might, perchance, be seeking entrance there; and at a given signal, a very large and pretty cloth—which until then, had been kept hidden—having on it a number of white spots and red streaks, was run up to the top of a tall pole and thrown to the breeze. Whereupon, the whole multitude of the fleas, rose up, and prostrated themselves to it, crying:
“Hail! All Hail! All Holy Flag,Source of our life, we bow to thee,The Flag, the Flag, the Flag of the Free,The Flag of the dog, and Flag of the flea.”
“Hail! All Hail! All Holy Flag,Source of our life, we bow to thee,The Flag, the Flag, the Flag of the Free,The Flag of the dog, and Flag of the flea.”
“Hail! All Hail! All Holy Flag,Source of our life, we bow to thee,The Flag, the Flag, the Flag of the Free,The Flag of the dog, and Flag of the flea.”
“Hail! All Hail! All Holy Flag,
Source of our life, we bow to thee,
The Flag, the Flag, the Flag of the Free,
The Flag of the dog, and Flag of the flea.”
And there came a great darkness over all the land; and the atmosphere was suffused with ghostly green and yellow lights,that cast a lurid gloom over the whole assembly; and out of the darkness there came lightnings and a voice of thunder, saying:
“Who doubteth that this is the Flag of the Free,And boweth not down, thrice cursed be he.”
“Who doubteth that this is the Flag of the Free,And boweth not down, thrice cursed be he.”
“Who doubteth that this is the Flag of the Free,And boweth not down, thrice cursed be he.”
“Who doubteth that this is the Flag of the Free,
And boweth not down, thrice cursed be he.”
And all the multitude of the fleas, cried out in chorus, “Amen.”
By this time, all the poor dogs were shaking like leaves in the breeze, and they cried out: “What shall we do? What shall we do?”
And the voice thundered again:
“Bow down, bow down to the Flag of the Free,Bow down, and thank God for sweet Liberty.”
“Bow down, bow down to the Flag of the Free,Bow down, and thank God for sweet Liberty.”
“Bow down, bow down to the Flag of the Free,Bow down, and thank God for sweet Liberty.”
“Bow down, bow down to the Flag of the Free,
Bow down, and thank God for sweet Liberty.”
And all the multitude of the prostrate fleas, cried out again in chorus: “Aye! Bow down.”
And again the ghostly lights flashed, and all manner of solemn and awful noises were heard.
And the dogs being dazed and dazzled and confused with the awful sights and sounds, began everywhere to fall down and worship the Flag, and, catching the enthusiasm, they soon were shouting as loud as they could, which with many of them was not very loud; for they were so hungry and weak that their breath failed them, but they did the best they could.
Then was lifted up the voice of the Reverend Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite, proclaiming: “Let there now be a time of silent lifting up of the heart in thanksgiving to God for this our Flag, the most glorious on earth, and for these our liberties, the only real ones on earth.”
And it was so. And there came a solemn hush over all the bowed assembly, broken only by pious sighs, groans and ejaculations from the fleas, which, by contagion, was taken up by the dogs, who were soon sighing and groaning and ejaculating too, until the air was heavy with a solemn buzz. Then there blew a holy wind from Heaven, that lifted up the folds of thebeautiful flag and caused it to wave with solemn flappings most beautifully; and the solemn darkness began to pass away, to the accompaniment of low, soft music, as of angel songs stealing down from Heaven; and the sun shone out in splendor, and cast his brilliant beams right on the beautiful Flag, that was transfigured in the glory of it.
Then proclaimed the Reverend Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite—who seemed to have naturally become the Master of Ceremonies—“Brethren, let us sing:
“My Country, ’tis of Thee,Sweet land of Liberty,Of Thee I sing.Land where my fathers died,Land of the pilgrim’s pride,From every mountain side,Let Freedom ring.“My native country! Thee,Land of the noble Free,Thy name I love.I love thy rocks and rills,Thy woods and templed hills,My heart with rapture thrills,Like that above.“Let music swell the breeze,And ring from all the trees,Sweet Freedom’s song.Let mortal tongues awake;Let all that breathe partake;Let rocks their silence break:The sound prolong.”
“My Country, ’tis of Thee,Sweet land of Liberty,Of Thee I sing.Land where my fathers died,Land of the pilgrim’s pride,From every mountain side,Let Freedom ring.“My native country! Thee,Land of the noble Free,Thy name I love.I love thy rocks and rills,Thy woods and templed hills,My heart with rapture thrills,Like that above.“Let music swell the breeze,And ring from all the trees,Sweet Freedom’s song.Let mortal tongues awake;Let all that breathe partake;Let rocks their silence break:The sound prolong.”
“My Country, ’tis of Thee,Sweet land of Liberty,Of Thee I sing.Land where my fathers died,Land of the pilgrim’s pride,From every mountain side,Let Freedom ring.
“My Country, ’tis of Thee,
Sweet land of Liberty,
Of Thee I sing.
Land where my fathers died,
Land of the pilgrim’s pride,
From every mountain side,
Let Freedom ring.
“My native country! Thee,Land of the noble Free,Thy name I love.I love thy rocks and rills,Thy woods and templed hills,My heart with rapture thrills,Like that above.
“My native country! Thee,
Land of the noble Free,
Thy name I love.
I love thy rocks and rills,
Thy woods and templed hills,
My heart with rapture thrills,
Like that above.
“Let music swell the breeze,And ring from all the trees,Sweet Freedom’s song.Let mortal tongues awake;Let all that breathe partake;Let rocks their silence break:The sound prolong.”
“Let music swell the breeze,
And ring from all the trees,
Sweet Freedom’s song.
Let mortal tongues awake;
Let all that breathe partake;
Let rocks their silence break:
The sound prolong.”
Then the whole assembly arose, and the loud-noise-producing instruments joined in. And the fleas being very vigorous, and fat and strong, lifted up their voices with tremendous energy; and all the salaried barkers, and the police dogs, and all the other dogs that were well-fed and rotund of belly, were in good voice, so that they all sent up a volume of glad sound that made the air shake and caused the great Flag to give an extraflap; but the other dogs, being very weak with hunger, and short of wind, could not do so well, but they, nevertheless, made a very respectable noise and were very happy.
When the singing was over, the Reverend Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite lifted up his right paw, commanding attention, and said: “Brethren, both dogs and fleas—I may call you brethren, for beneath the all-encompassing folds of this glorious Flag, we are all equal [mighty applause from the fleas, echoed by the dogs]—I think it would be very appropriate upon this occasion, and well pleasing to God, to turn this into an experience meeting; and let each of us testify to the blessings of Liberty, that our beloved Flag has conferred upon us. Let any dog or flea get up and speak, for all are equal here. Brother Grandadhat, suppose you cheer us with your experience.”
Brother Grandadhat, being thus exhorted, arose, and bowing low to the Flag, said: “I bless God for that Flag, and I bless God that under its protecting and blessing-scattering folds I was born, as were my father and my father’s father. I am proud to live under it. I am proud to boast that from the very first day, when our fathers first flung it to the breeze, and bade tyranny fly trembling, with its tail between its legs—which it did—it has been giving us more and more freedom every day, until now we are the freest, grandest and noblest nation on the face of the great round globe. Yea, I will go further, and declare that there is no freedom on earth, save here.
“Brethren, all, God gave us that Flag; it was designed in Heaven, and God has been ever with it, and acknowledged it for his own. Never, never, never has it floated—never, never, never can it float—over any wrong, injustice or tyranny. Under the effulgent splendor of its beautiful white spots and red streaks, wrong, injustice and tyranny wither and wilt as would toadstools before the midsummer midday sun. [Tremendous explosion of applause from the fleas, joined in by the dogs.] When God gave us that Flag, he, with it, threw wide open the windows and doors of Heaven, and poured out fromhis infinite cornucopiæ, such a deluge of blessings upon us as no nation on earth ever got or ever will get, and forthwith made us the pride of ourselves and the envy of the whole world. [A most awful burst of applause from the fleas, all the fleas rising up to give it. Several very weak, hungry and woe-begone dogs, carried away by the whirlwind of excitement, drop dead of heart failure.]
Illustration: HE SAT DOWN AMID A THUNDER OF APPLAUSE.
“‘The gifts of God to our people have been so abundant and so special, that the spirit of devout thanksgiving awaits but the appointment of a day when it may have a common expression. He has stayed the pestilence at our door,’ and caused all evil to turn aside from touching us. ‘He has given us a love for our free civil institutions,’ and grace to abhor and hang all who do not believe we are free, and dare to say so. ‘He has widened our philanthropy by calls to succor the distress in other lands; and he has given us’ such ‘a great increase in material wealth, and’ such ‘a wide diffusion of contentment and comfort in the homes of our’ dogs, that we are the wonder of the whole world, and the joy of ourselves. [Grand crescendo of applause from the fleas, and penitent ejaculations from the dogs of: “Lord, forgive our past repinings;” “Lord, help us to feel how full we are;” “Lord, take away our blindness, that our wealth may be disclosed to us;” and much winking amongst the Bamboozling Committee, at the satisfactory working of the Bamboozle.] Oh, beloved brethren, ours istheFlag, theonlyFlag in the world worth having, andwe’ve got it, and don’t you forget it; [Screams, yells, and deliriums of applause.] the worldenvies us its possession; they would like it, but they shall not have it; for my part, I will never desert the Flag. No! I will never do it. It’s of no use asking me. That Flag has blessed me; it has given me and mine prosperity, so that I am comfortably rotund and fat; it is the object of my love, my adoration, and Ineverwill desert it; no ne—ver. I will not live under any other; so it’s of no use asking me; I would not take the riches of the whole world for the daily sight of it; so it’s no use any one offering them to me. I am perfectly happy now, and I shall go to Heaven when I die. And when the death dew lies cold on my brow, may my last words be:
‘Oh, Flag of the Free! I would die for thee;Emblem of Libertee, Libertee—ee.’”
‘Oh, Flag of the Free! I would die for thee;Emblem of Libertee, Libertee—ee.’”
‘Oh, Flag of the Free! I would die for thee;Emblem of Libertee, Libertee—ee.’”
‘Oh, Flag of the Free! I would die for thee;
Emblem of Libertee, Libertee—ee.’”
And making again obeisance to the emblem, he sat down amid a thunder of applause, and the hullabaloo of the loud-noise-producing instruments.
Then spake the Reverend Tee De Little Wit Blatherskite, “Brethren, that testimony must have done us all good, I am sure. Will some other good brother favor us with his experience?”
Then stepped forth Andronicus Carnivorous, and, making three very low obeisances to the Flag, said in a voice low and broken with emotion: “Brother dogs and fleas: This is the proudest and solemnest moment of my life. When I look on that glorious Flag, amongst whose bright spots and broad red streaks, I can, with my mind’s eye, see, traced in lines of refulgent brightness, ‘LIFE, LIBERTY, HAPPINESS, EQUALITY, FRATERNITY,’ my heart swells to bursting with gratitude, that some God, Providence or other beneficence, did, in boundless mercy, direct my wandering feet, when a young and poverty-stricken dog, to the shores of this glorious free land, so bountifully blest with the milk and honey of prosperity; and that I was privileged—for itwasa privilege—to rest and dwell,and make my home under the great broad shadow of that grand old Flag [making obeisance thereto] of the Free [Flea applause].
“Oh, Brother dogs—for though that blessed Flag has prospered me immensely, and made me as corpulent a sucker as the most monstrous of your fleas, I am not puffed up with pride, but still deem it my highest honor to count myself as one of you, and to share with you the dignities of your citizenship. [Applause from the dogs and a mysterious voice from the rear, “Yes, but not the hunger of it,” and cries of “Put him out.”]
“Oh, brother dogs, if it is such a blessed privilege to come in as a ragged stranger, and with the brogue of a foreign dog on my tongue, under the folds of this Flag, Oh! what must it be to be born under it, of parents born under it, too! Oh! I cannot enough congratulate the dogs here, who were thus blessed, upon the unutterably precious heritage they have in that fact. Neither can I forgive the irreparable wrong—unintentional though it might have been—my parents did me, in having brought me into the world in a foreign land, in the midst of the darkness, heathenism, want, misery and tyranny that reign wheresoever that Flag fluttereth not. [Tumultuous applause from dogs and fleas.] Yet, though I cannot help that wrong, I yield to no dog and no flea in the width, length, depth and intensity of my love and adoration of that blessed emblem of the liberty, equality and fraternity that all enjoy that live under it. Yea, I believe that I, carrying about with me the agonizing consciousness of my foreign origin, am more acutely appreciative of the blessedness of living under it than they who are born under it, and can claim the Flag as their very own. Often and often am I amazed that so many of our native dogs seem so little to appreciate their blessings. Instead of living in a state of perpetual thankfulness, that they were born and live under this Flag, and participate in the wealth, protection and liberty it scatters over all that are worthy, they go about discontented and complainingof hunger and hard work; and I have often been shocked by hearing some of these very native dogs say, ‘Damn Flags when you’ve nothing to eat.’ I think all such dogs are blind and ungrateful, and should be punished as infidels and blasphemers. [Applause.]
“Oh, Brethren, I can testify that the Flag has abundantly blessedme, though a foreigner born. And what I say is, that what it has done for me, it stands ready to do for all. I love it. I live for it; I would die for it if need were, and I should happen to be in the country at the time. I would abide ever under its great, wide, brooding folds, but that an imperious and inevitable duty drives me to spend most of my time away over the pond.
“Like my dear friend, Dephool Flea here, it is with a high and lofty purpose I go abroad. Upon me is laid the solemn duty to go and testify to my old kin beyond the pond, what great things this glorious Flag hath done for my soul and body. Over there are divers cantankerous and evil-minded carpers and jibers against our glorious liberties, who allege that our dogocracy is all snide; our equality all fake; our fraternity all buncombe and gaseous boast; our liberty all a gorgeous mendacity. Therefore deem I myself charged with the responsibility of putting to silence and shame these calumniators, by frequently dropping myself amongst them, a visible, tangible, audible proof and specimen of the product of our Flag. It is laid on me to be the exponent of Triumphant Dogocracy under the Flag of the Free; and woe is me if I shirk to discharge this duty.”
“I can understand the pain it gives our beloved Chancy to be away from under his beloved Flag, three or four months every year, and the overwhelming joy he always feels in getting back again; for it is martyrdom to me to be expatriated so long; but I bear up under it as well as I can, cheered by the reflection that I have a mission that none but I can fulfill, and that I am performing the incalculably beneficent service of disseminatingcorrect notions about this great country and its Flag, and creating friendly feeling towards it.”
“When this my duty shall be finally accomplished—as I pray it soon may be—and I shall be privileged to come home finally, and rest me forevermore under the proud flutter of its waving, and daily bathe my glad soul in the healing beams of its shining, then alone shall Andronicus Carnivorous be happy.” [Immense and prolonged applause, amid which the Bamboozling Committee get around him, and hug and kiss him. And the Holy One a Maker of long prayers, regretfully sighs and says to himself, “Oh, Andy, Andy! One thing only thou lackest. If thou wert only a Christian, thou wouldst bequiteperfect.”]