CHAPTER XXXI.
Unqualified Triumph of Bunkum, Statistics and Averages.—Everything and Everybody “All Right.”—Thin and Hungry Honest Labor Testifies.—His Head Swells.—Shows that a Great Deal of Rich Patriotism can be Raised on a Very Small Amount of Poor Victuals.
Illustration: WILHELM BUNKUM MAK TINLEY.
WILHELM Bunkum Mak Tinley’s oration made a profound impression. Upon assembled fleas there fell a peace as of an undisturbed sea, a sweet consciousness that at last, all danger from dog-thinking was safely over. The Bamboozling Committee beamed and winked at each other in silent ecstasy. And as for the dogs, nothing like their satisfaction ever was before seen. Mak Tinley’s magnificent effort had done the job. There was in it an array of facts and figures that carried conviction home to their hearts and consciences. Poetry, imagery and gush the others had given—which was all very delightful—but he hadrisen to the needs of the times. They were hungry and wasted, and he had opened the granary of his brilliant imagination, and had poured out upon them some real, genuine, solid, substantial, and stomach filling Statistics and Averages, that put new life and soul into them. They danced and howled with joy; they hugged and kissed each other, and blessed God for Mak Tinley, the Stomach Filler. One meagre and unkempt dog cried, “Three cheers for Mak Tinley, Statistics and Averages,” which all the dogs gave. Then another meagre dog yelled, “Hurrah for our Country and Flag, the finest in the world,” and all the dogs hurrahed, the pretty cloths were fluttered on high, the loud-noise-producing instruments were blown and banged and thumped, and at the word “Flag,” all the fleas arose and made prosternation.
Then a large, thin and lanky dog, with hungry eyes, jumped up and demanded that three cheers be rendered unto the Bamboozling Committee; which were no sooner given than he inquired with great and strident solicitude, “What is the matter with Harry Grandadhat?” And the whole assembly of dogs and fleas, before Grandadhat had time to reply on his own behalf, thundered out in one mighty chorus, “He’s all right;” to which some one, who had evidently not heard who was referred to, inquired, “Who’s all right?” to which again the whole assembly, very courteously and obligingly, responded in chorus: “Why, Harry Grandadhat.” All which catechism seemed, for some deep and inscrutable reason, to cause a perfect delirium of joy. And the delirium spread and waxed until nothing was heard or seen but the chorused catechism, three cheers for everything and everybody, the hubbub of the wind and thump instruments, the waving of the pretty cloths, and the dogs tearing madly around, howling, standing on their heads, rolling on the ground, and leaping over each other for joy and gladness.
At last the tempest lulled, and the Blatherskite stepped forward and said, “Brethren, now is the accepted time; now isthe day of testimony. In this hour of softened splendor and outpouring upon us all of the holy spirit of patriotism, if there is any dog here that feels it borne in upon his soul to testify, let him step up, and the Lord be with him.”
Then stepped up the large and lanky dog of the hungry eyes, lolling out his tongue and panting with his recent great exertions, and feebly tottered up the eminence to testify. But before he commenced, Chancy Mountebank Dephool Flea got hold of him, and demanded of him his name, that he might introduce him. Then Dephool Flea stepped forward and said, “Dogs and fellow citizens: This respected citizen says his name is Honest Labor, and that he desires to say what the Flag has done for his soul. Oh, fellow citizens, I need not tell you that such as he are the pride and strength of our common country, that it is to him and the Lowly Toiler, that the grandeur, magnificence and superbity of our material prosperity are due. Let us all gratefully remember that without him and his unceasing toil, this country had not been; that to him are we beholden for a large part—if not the largest part—of our wealth; that our brain, without his diligent paw, would have been absolutely useless; that in the upbuilding of this great country, he was the greatest factor, and that to him we look for its defence, its perpetuity.
“And I may say that it is our pride that this isacountry, this is THE country, this the ONLY country in the world, where Honest Labor is held in honor; yea, in reverence; yea, that is crowned with glory and honor, and given first place in our esteem, and——” Here a loud voice came from afar off in the crowd, “First place at the grub basket would suit him better,” followed by great confusion, alarm, and a great rush of police dogs that way, and a sound of thumped heads. The fleas looked anxious, and the Bamboozlers uneasy, and Andronicus Carnivorous, scenting danger, sidled off. Dephool Flea was much discumfuzzled, and nearly lost his cherubic smile; but he heroically held up his end, and continued:
“As I was saying, other effete countries have their kings and lords; but here we recognize no king, but Honest Labor [great cheers and restoration of confidence], no order of nobility but that of Humble Toil; and in no country does Honest Labor get so large a share of his own product, or hold his head so high with the conscious pride of his own worth. I have the proud honor and precious privilege of introducing him.”
During all this speech, it was noticed that poor Honest Labor was changing visibly. At first his hungry eye grew bright, and his nostrils distended; and as the eloquence waxed in tumidity and turgidity, his head was lifted up and began to swell and swell, and at the crowning reference to his coronation as a king, it took a sudden and mighty inflation that made his body and legs look ridiculously thin and small and spindling by comparison.
“What thinkest thou of our Chancy now?” said Harry Grandadhat, to his dear friend, the Holy One a Maker of long prayers, as he pointed to the Phenomenon.
“Called and chosen, called and chosen,” replied One a Maker of prayers, “God hath indeed given unto him great talents.”
“The Bamboozle prospereth indeed,” said Mak Tinley, and tipping the wink to the Monstrous Fleas, he whispered to one of the nearest of them, whose name was Shikago Pigsfoot, “Brother, merrily will go the Blood and Bones Mill after this.”
“Yes, yes,” replied Shikago Pigsfoot, “the last drop of blood shall be squeezed out of them. I am famishing to see the Mill going again, it seems an awful loss to waste a whole day when every tiny drop of blood is so precious to us; but I suppose this bamboozle is all for our ultimate good. Oh, that to-morrow were here and the Mill going!”
Then stepped forward Honest Labor, and having made obeisance to the Flag, as he had seen the flea speakers do, he spake:
“Feller dogs; this is the proudest moment of my life. Feller dogs, you mustn’t expect a fine speech from me, for as I was born poor and hungry, I had to turn out at eight monthsold to scratch for bones to eke out the family living. Consequently, I haint had no eddication. My father, whose name was Lowly Toil, and is dead now, having been taken off early by a mysterious epidemic called ‘Vacuity of the Alimentary Canal,’ that was going about at that time, was always too poor to give me any eddication; but, bless the Lord, he gave me what is far better—he early planted in my youthful breast the love of country. Says he to me, says he, he says, ‘Honny, this ’ere’s your Country and that there’s your Flag, and you’ll never get such another Country with such another Flag on it, if you sarch the earth over. It’s the finest Country and the finest Flag that ever was or ever will be, and don’t you forget it.’ [Burst of applause from the fleas and dogs too.] Says I to him, says I, I says, ‘Father, I never will; come dark, come light, come weal, come woe, come anything, I’ll never go back on my Country and my Flag.’ [Tempest of cheers.]
“And I never have. This is God’s country. [Cheers from the fleas.] It is a free country. [Cheers.] It is the poor dog’s country. [Cheers on cheers from the fleas and dogs too.] Everybody says so. The foreign dogs from over the pond say so. Where will you find a country that gives the honest worker so good a living? [Immense cheering by the fleas.] Where will you find a country that gives such ‘constant employment?’ And pays such ‘high wages?’ [Cheers from the fleas, and “Aye, that’s the question,” from the Bamboozlers.] Where so many dogs have snug bank accounts? Where Statistics give dogs such a high Average of victuals to eat? [Immense cheers and cries of “Hurrah for Mak Tinley.”] Where there is such a wide ‘diffusion of comfort and content?’ [Cheers, and “Hurrah for Grandadhat.”] Where will you find a country as gives such chances for poor and honest dogs to get on and come to the Great Transformation? [Great cheers.]
“Look at Carnivorous; he was poor and honest once, andnowlook at him. And he aint the only one. Look at ourGold Jays, ourRollefeckers, ourArmorses, ourMakkizes, ourBandervilts, ourPimples, ourCarbuncles, ourCorns, ourWarts, ourBunions; all poor and honest once, and now see what they are. I tell you, feller dogs, there never was a Country and a Flag as gave the poor and honest such grand chances to get on and become something totally different. Look at our Blood and Bones Grindery! Why, I am told that if any of our free and happy Handle turners were to go over the pond, and get a job in them foreign pauper labor grinderies, they would be disgusted with the long hours and small pay. There the Monstrous Fleas actually demand that every dog give a whole leg to the hopper, before he can get a place at the Handle, and is, moreover, bound to serve seven years before he can leave his job. But here, in this free country, a dog has only got to contribute two or three toes, and is free to leave his job whenever he chooses. [Wonderful cheering.]
Illustration: PORTRAITS INCLUDING ROLLEFECKERS AND BANDERVILTS.
“Everything in this glorious country is away ahead of the old countries. Even the rags of the dogs here look more respectable than there; and as for poverty, such a thing is not known here, for if a dog have neither food, nor kennel, nor where to lay his head, he can look up and thank God that he has a Country and a Flag.
“I grind at the Handle nineteen hours a day, and I have given four toes to the hopper; but I thank God that I might be far worse off. Often I am hungry, very hungry, but I thank God that I might be hungrier. I am contented. It is the duty of dogs to be contented [applause from the Monstrous Fleas,] a dog that is always growling about his lot, is a nuisance to himself and everybody else. God don’t love him, the Church don’t respect him, and his employers hate him.”
Here all the Bamboozlers arose and patted him on the back, and the Blatherskite turned to the assembly and said, “Behold, a model citizen. Blessed are the contented, for when they die the gates of Heaven shall swing wide open to let them in.”
Continuing, Honest Labor said, “It is the duty of every dog to stick up for the country that gives him employment and keeps wages as high as they are. The only thing we have to fear, is that them foreign pauper dogs from over the pond, envious of our great prosperity, will come crowding over here, and tempt our employers to cut down our wages. But I am convinced that all our eminent, wealthy and Monstrous Fleas, led on and sustained by such friends of ours as Carnivorous, Phrique, Mak Tinley, Dephool Flea, Webbfoot, and others, would make a tremendous fight against that temptation before they would yield. Therefore, I say, three times three cheers for our Country, our Institutions, and our Flag, the freest, finest and grandest in the world.”
The burst of applause that followed this simple eloquence was deafening. The wind and bang instruments struck up, the dogs ranted and raved, the Bamboozling Committee stood on their heads with delight and all the fleas beamed with silent ecstasy.