BLEPYRUS. Stop! in the name of the gods! Do you want me to die of hunger?
CHORUS. Good sir, let your wife speak.
PRAXAGORA. There will be no more thieves, nor envious people, no more rags nor misery, no more abuse and no more prosecutions and lawsuits.
BLEPYRUS. By Posidon! 'tis grand, if true.
PRAXAGORA. The results will prove it; you will confess it, and even these good people (pointing to the spectators) will not be able to say a word.
CHORUS. You have served your friends, but now it behoves you to apply your ability and your care to the welfare of the people. Devote the fecundity of your mind to the public weal; adorn the citizens' lives with a thousand enjoyments and teach them to seize every favourable opportunity. Devise some ingenious method to secure the much-needed salvation of Athens; but let neither your acts nor your words recall anything of the past, for 'tis only innovations that please. Don't delay the realization of your plans, for speedy execution is greatly esteemed by the public.
PRAXAGORA. I believe my ideas are good, but what I fear is, that the public will cling to the old customs and refuse to accept my reforms.
BLEPYRUS. Have no fear about that. Love of novelty and disdain for the past, these are the dominating principles among us.
PRAXAGORA. Let none contradict nor interrupt me until I have explained my plan. I want all to have a share of everything and all property to be in common; there will no longer be either rich or poor; no longer shall we see one man harvesting vast tracts of land, while another has not ground enough to be buried in, nor one man surround himself with a whole army of slaves, while another has not a single attendant; I intend that there shall only be one and the same condition of life for all.
BLEPYRUS. But how do you mean for all?
PRAXAGORA. Go and eat your excrements![696]
BLEPYRUS. Come, share and share alike!
PRAXAGORA. No, no, but you shall not interrupt me. This is what I was going to say: I shall begin by making land, money, everything that is private property, common to all. Then we shall live on this common wealth, which we shall take care to administer with wise thrift.
BLEPYRUS. And how about the man who has no land, but only gold and silver coins, that cannot be seen?
PRAXAGORA. He must bring them to the common stock, and if he fails he will be a perjured man.
BLEPYRUS. That won't worry him much, for has he not gained them by perjury?
PRAXAGORA. But his riches will no longer be of any use to him.
BLEPYRUS. Why?
PRAXAGORA. The poor will no longer be obliged to work; each will have all that he needs, bread, salt fish, cakes, tunics, wine, chaplets and chick-pease; of what advantage will it be to him not to contribute his share to the common wealth? What do you think of it?
BLEPYRUS. But is it not the folk who rob most that have all these things?
PRAXAGORA. Yes, formerly, under the old order of things; but now that all goods are in common, what will he gain by not bringing his wealth into the general stock?
BLEPYRUS. If someone saw a pretty wench and wished to satisfy his fancy for her, he would take some of his reserve store to make her a present and stay the night with her; this would not prevent him claiming his share of the common property.
PRAXAGORA. But he can sleep with her for nothing; I intend that women shall belong to all men in common, and each shall beget children by any man that wishes to have her.
BLEPYRUS. But all will go to the prettiest woman and beseech her to go with him.
PRAXAGORA. The ugliest and the most flat-nosed will be side by side with the most charming, and to win the latter's favours, a man will first have to get into the former.
BLEPYRUS. But we old men, shall we have penis enough if we have to satisfy the ugly first?
PRAXAGORA. They will make no resistance.
BLEPYRUS. To what?
PRAXAGORA. Never fear; they will make no resistance.
BLEPYRUS. Resistance to what?
PRAXAGORA. To the pleasure of the thing. 'Tis thus that matters will be ordered for you.
BLEPYRUS. 'Tis right well conceived for you women, for every wench's hole will be occupied; but as regards us poor men, you will leave those who are ugly to run after the handsome fellows.
PRAXAGORA. The ugly will follow the handsomest into the public places after supper and see to it that the law, which forbids the women to sleep with the big, handsome men before having satisfied the ugly shrimps, is complied with.
BLEPYRUS. Thus ugly Lysicrates' nose will be as proud as the handsomest face?
PRAXAGORA. Yes, by Apollo! this is a truly popular decree, and what a set-back 'twill be for one of those elegants with their fingers loaded with rings, when a man with heavy shoes says to him, "Give way to me and wait till I have done; you will pass in after me."
BLEPYRUS. But if we live in this fashion, how will each one know his children?
PRAXAGORA. The youngest will look upon the oldest as their fathers.
BLEPYRUS. Ah! how heartily they will strangle all the old men, since even now, when each one knows his father, they make no bones about strangling him! then, my word! won't they just scorn and shit upon the old folks!
PRAXAGORA. But those around will prevent it. Hitherto, when anyone saw an old man beaten, he would not meddle, because it did not concern him; but now each will fear the sufferer may be his own father and such violence will be stopped.
BLEPYRUS. What you say is not so silly after all; but 'twould be highly unpleasant were Epicurus and Leucolophas to come up and call me father.
PRAXAGORA. But 'twould be far worse, were …
BLEPYRUS. Were what?
PRAXAGORA. … Aristyllus to embrace you and style you his father.
BLEPYRUS. Ah! let him look to himself if he dares!
PRAXAGORA. For you would smell vilely of mint if he kissed you. But he was born before the decree was carried, so that you have not to fear his kiss.
BLEPYRUS. 'Twould be awful. But who will do the work?
PRAXAGORA. The slaves. Your only cares will be to scent yourself, and to go and dine, when the shadow of the gnomon is ten feet long on the dial.
BLEPYRUS. But how shall we obtain clothing? Tell me that!
PRAXAGORA. You will first wear out those you have, and then we women will weave you others.
BLEPYRUS. Now another point: if the magistrates condemn a citizen to the payment of a fine, how is he going to do it? Out of the public funds? That would not be right surely.
PRAXAGORA. But there will be no more lawsuits.
BLEPYRUS. What a disaster for many people!
PRAXAGORA. I have decreed it. Besides, friend, why should there be lawsuits?
BLEPYRUS. Oh! for a thousand reasons, on my faith! Firstly, because a debtor denies his obligation.
PRAXAGORA. But where will the lender get the money to lend, if all is in common? unless he steals it out of the treasury?
BLEPYRUS. That's true, by Demeter! But then again, tell me this; here are some men who are returning from a feast and are drunk and they strike some passer-by; how are they going to pay the fine? Ah! you are puzzled now!
PRAXAGORA. They will have to take it out of their pittance; and being thus punished through their belly, they will not care to begin again.
BLEPYRUS. There will be no more thieves then, eh?
PRAXAGORA. Why steal, if you have a share of everything?
BLEPYRUS. People will not be robbed any more at night?
PRAXAGORA. No, whether you sleep at home or in the street, there will be no more danger, for all will have the means of living. Besides, if anyone wanted to steal your cloak, you would give it him yourself. Why not? You will only have to go to the common store and be given a better one.
BLEPYRUS. There will be no more playing at dice?
PRAXAGORA. What object will there be in playing?
BLEPYRUS. But what kind of life is it you propose to set up?
PRAXAGORA. The life in common. Athens will become nothing more than a single house, in which everything will belong to everyone; so that everybody will be able to go from one house to the other at pleasure.
BLEPYRUS. And where will the meals be served?
PRAXAGORA. The law-courts and the porticoes will be turned into dining-halls.
BLEPYRUS. And what will the speaker's platform be used for?
PRAXAGORA. I shall place the bowls and the ewers there; and young children will sing the glory of the brave from there, also the infamy of cowards, who out of very shame will no longer dare to come to the public meals.
BLEPYRUS. Well thought of, by Apollo! And what will you do with the urns?
PRAXAGORA. I shall have them taken to the market-place, and standing close to the statue of Harmodius,[697] I shall draw a lot for each citizen, which by its letter will show the place where he must go to dine.[698] Thus, those for whom I have drawn a Beta, will go to the royal portico;[699] if 'tis a Theta, they will go to the portico of Theseus;[700] if 'tis a Kappa, to that of the flour-market.[701]
BLEPYRUS. To cram[702] himself there like a capon?
PRAXAGORA. No, to dine there.
BLEPYRUS. And the citizen whom the lot has not given a letter showing where he is to dine will be driven off by everyone?
PRAXAGORA. But that will not occur. Each man will have plenty; he will not leave the feast until he is well drunk, and then with a chaplet on his head and a torch in his hand; and then the women running to meet you in the cross-roads will say, "This way, come to our house, you will find a beautiful young girl there."—"And I," another will call from her balcony, "have one so pretty and as white as milk; but before touching her, you must sleep with me." And the ugly men, watching closely after the handsome fellows, will say, "Hi! friend, where are you running to? Go in, but you must do nothing, for 'tis the ugly and the flat-nosed to whom the law gives the first right of admission; amuse yourself in the porch while you wait, in handling your fig-leaves and playing with your tool." Well, tell me, does that picture suit you?
BLEPYRUS. Marvellously well.
PRAXAGORA. I must now go to the market-place to receive the property that is going to be placed in common and to choose a woman with a loud voice as my herald. I have all the cares of State on my shoulders, since the power has been entrusted to me. I must likewise go to busy myself about establishing the common meals, and you will attend your first banquet to-day.
BLEPYRUS. Are we going to banquet?
PRAXAGORA. Why, undoubtedly! Furthermore, I propose abolishing the courtesans.
BLEPYRUS. And what for?
PRAXAGORA. 'Tis clear enough why; so that, instead of them,wemay have the first-fruits of the young men. It is not meet that tricked-out slaves should rob free-born women of their pleasures. Let the courtesans be free to sleep with the slaves and to depilate their privates for them.
BLEPYRUS. I will march at your side, so that I may be seen and that everyone may say, "Admire our leader's husband!" [Exeunt Blepyrus and Praxagora.
[The Chorus which followed this scene is lost.]
FIRST CITIZEN. Come, let us collect and examine all my belongings before taking them to the market-place. Come hither, my beautiful sieve, I have nothing more precious than you, come, all clotted with the flour of which I have poured so many sacks through you; you shall act the part of Canephoros[703] in the procession of my chattels. Where is the sunshade carrier?[704] Ah! this stew-pot shall take his place. Great gods, how black it is! it could not be more so if Lysicrates[705] had boiled the drugs in it with which he dyes his hair. Hither, my beautiful mirror. And you, my tripod, bear this urn for me; you shall be the waterbearer;[706] and you, cock, whose morning song has so often roused me in the middle of the night to send me hurrying to the Assembly, you shall be my flute-girl. Scaphephoros,[707] do you take the large basin, place in it the honeycombs and twine the olive-branches over them, bring the tripods and the phial of perfume; as for the humble crowd of little pots, I will just leave them behind.
SECOND CITIZEN. What folly to carry one's goods to the common store; I have a little more sense than that. No, no, by Posidon, I want first to ponder and calculate over the thing at leisure. I shall not be fool enough to strip myself of the fruits of my toil and thrift, if it is not for a very good reason; let us see first, which way things turn. Hi! friend, what means this display of goods? Are you moving or are you going to pawn your stuff?
FIRST CITIZEN. Neither.
SECOND CITIZEN. Why then are you setting all these things out in line? Is it a procession that you are starting off to the public crier, Hiero?
FIRST CITIZEN. No, but in accordance with the new law, that has been decreed, I am going to carry all these things to the marketplace to make a gift of them to the State.
SECOND CITIZEN. Oh! bah! you don't mean that.
FIRST CITIZEN. Certainly.
SECOND CITIZEN. Oh! Zeus the Deliverer! you unfortunate man!
FIRST CITIZEN. Why?
SECOND CITIZEN. Why? 'Tis as clear as noonday.
FIRST CITIZEN. Must the laws not be obeyed then?
SECOND CITIZEN. What laws, you poor fellow?
FIRST CITIZEN. Those that have been decreed.
SECOND CITIZEN. Decreed! Are you mad, I ask you?
FIRST CITIZEN. Am I mad?
SECOND CITIZEN. Oh! this is the height of folly!
FIRST CITIZEN. Because I obey the law? Is that not the first duty of an honest man?
SECOND CITIZEN. Say rather of a ninny.
FIRST CITIZEN. Don't you propose taking what belongs to you to the common stock?
SECOND CITIZEN. I'll take good care I don't until I see what the majority are doing.
FIRST CITIZEN. There's but one opinion, namely, to contribute every single thing one has.
SECOND CITIZEN. I am waiting to see it, before I believe that.
FIRST CITIZEN. At least, so they say in every street.
SECOND CITIZEN. And they will go on saying so.
FIRST CITIZEN. Everyone talks of contributing all he has.
SECOND CITIZEN. And will go on talking of it.
FIRST CITIZEN. You weary me with your doubts and dubitations.
SECOND CITIZEN. Everybody else will doubt it.
FIRST CITIZEN. The pest seize you!
SECOND CITIZEN. Itwilltake you. What? give up your goods! Is there a man of sense who will do such a thing? Giving is not one of our customs. Receiving is another matter; 'tis the way of the gods themselves. Look at the position of their hands on their statues; when we ask a favour, they present their hands turned palm up so as not to give, but to receive.
FIRST CITIZEN. Wretch, let me do what is right. Come, I'll make a bundle of all these things. Where is my strap?
SECOND CITIZEN. Are you really going to carry them in?
FIRST CITIZEN. Undoubtedly, and there are my three tripods strung together already.
SECOND CITIZEN. What folly! Not to wait to see what the others do, and then …
FIRST CITIZEN. Well, and then what?
SECOND CITIZEN. … wait and put it off again.
FIRST CITIZEN. What for?
SECOND CITIZEN. That an earthquake may come or an ill-omened flash of lightning, that a weasel may run across the street and that none carry in anything more, you fool!
FIRST CITIZEN. 'Twould be a fine matter, were I to find no room left for placing all this.
SECOND CITIZEN. You are much more likely to lose your stuff. As for placing it, you can be at ease, for there will be room enough as long as a month hence.
FIRST CITIZEN. Why?
SECOND CITIZEN. I know these folk; a decree is soon passed, but it is not so easily attended to.
FIRST CITIZEN. All will contribute their property, my friend.
SECOND CITIZEN. But what if they don't?
FIRST CITIZEN. But there is no doubt that they will.
SECOND CITIZEN. Butanyhow, what if they don't?
FIRST CITIZEN. We shall compel them to do so.
SECOND CITIZEN. And what if they prove the stronger?
FIRST CITIZEN. I shall leave my goods and go off.
SECOND CITIZEN. And what if they sell them for you?
FIRST CITIZEN. The plague take you!
SECOND CITIZEN. And if it does?
FIRST CITIZEN. 'Twill be a good riddance.
SECOND CITIZEN. You are bent on contributing then?
FIRST CITIZEN. 'Pon my soul, yes! Look, there are all my neighbours carrying in all they have.
SECOND CITIZEN. Ha, ha! 'Tis no doubt Antisthenes.[708] He's a fellow who would rather sit on his pot for thirty days than not!
FIRST CITIZEN. The pest seize you!
SECOND CITIZEN. And perhaps Callimachus[709] is going to take in more money than Callias owns? That man want to ruin himself!
FIRST CITIZEN. How you weary me!
SECOND CITIZEN. Ah! I weary you! But, wretch, see what comes of decrees of this kind. Don't you remember the one reducing the price of salt, eh?
FIRST CITIZEN. Why, certainly I do.
SECOND CITIZEN. And do you remember that about the copper coinage?
FIRST CITIZEN. Ah! that cursed money did me enough harm. I had sold my grapes and had my mouth stuffed with pieces of copper;[710] indeed I was going to the market to buy flour, and was in the act of holding out my bag wide open, when the herald started shouting, "Let none in future accept pieces of copper; those of silver are alone current."
SECOND CITIZEN. And quite lately, were we not all swearing that the impost of one-fortieth, which Euripides[711] had conceived, would bring five talents to the State, and everyone was vaunting Euripides to the skies? But when the thing was looked at closely, it was seen that this fine decree was mere moonshine and would produce nothing, and you would have willingly burnt this very same Euripides alive.
FIRST CITIZEN. The cases are quite different, my good fellow. We were the rulers then, but now 'tis the women.
SECOND CITIZEN. Whom, by Posidon, I will never allow to piss on my nose.
FIRST CITIZEN. I don't know what the devil you're chattering about.Slave, pick up that bundle.
HERALD. Let all citizens come, let them hasten at our leader's bidding! 'Tis the new law. The lot will teach each citizen where he is to dine; the tables are already laid and loaded with the most exquisite dishes; the couches are covered with the softest of cushions; the wine and water is already being mixed in the ewers; the slaves are standing in a row and waiting to pour scent over the guests; the fish is being grilled, the hares are on the spit and the cakes are being kneaded, chaplets are being plaited and the fritters are frying; the youngest women are watching the pea-soup in the saucepans, and in the midst of them all stands Smaeus,[712] dressed as a knight, washing the crockery. And Geres[713] has come, dressed in a grand tunic and finely shod; he is joking with another young fellow and has already divested himself of his heavy shoes and his cloak.[714] The pantryman is waiting, so come and use your jaws.
SECOND CITIZEN. Aye, I'll go. Why should I delay, since the Republic commands me?
FIRST CITIZEN. And where are you going to, since you have not deposited your belongings?
SECOND CITIZEN. To the feast.
FIRST CITIZEN. If the women have any wits, they will first insist on your depositing your goods.
SECOND CITIZEN. But I am going to deposit them.
FIRST CITIZEN. When?
SECOND CITIZEN. I am not the man to make delays.
FIRST CITIZEN. How do you mean?
SECOND CITIZEN. There will be many less eager than I.
FIRST CITIZEN. In the meantime you are going to dine.
SECOND CITIZEN. What else should I do? Every sensible man must give his help to the State.
FIRST CITIZEN. But if admission is forbidden you?
SECOND CITIZEN. I shall duck my head and slip in.
FIRST CITIZEN. And if the women have you beaten?
SECOND CITIZEN. I shall summon them.
FIRST CITIZEN. And if they laugh you in the face?
SECOND CITIZEN. I shall stand near the door …
FIRST CITIZEN. And then?
SECOND CITIZEN. … and seize upon the dishes as they pass.
FIRST CITIZEN. Then go there, but after me. Sicon and Parmeno,[715] pick up all the baggage.
SECOND CITIZEN. Come, I will help you carry it.
FIRST CITIZEN. No, no, I should be afraid of your pretending to the leader that what I am depositing belonged to you.
SECOND CITIZEN. Let me see! let me think of some good trick by which I can keep my goods and yet take my share of the common feast. Ha! that's a good notion! Quick! I'll go and dine, ha, ha! [Exit laughing.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. How is this? no men are coming? And yet it must be fully time! 'Tis then for naught that I have painted myself with white lead, dressed myself in my beautiful yellow robe, and that I am here, frolicking and humming between my teeth to attract some passer-by! Oh, Muses, alight upon my lips, inspire me with some soft Ionian love-song!
A YOUNG GIRL. You rotten old thing, you have placed yourself at the window before me. You were expecting to strip my vines during my absence and to trap some man in your snares with your songs. If you sing, I shall follow suit; all this singing will weary the spectators, but is nevertheless very pleasant and very diverting.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Ha! here is an old man; take him and lead him away. As for you, you young flute-player, let us hear some airs that are worthy of you and me. Let him who wishes to taste pleasure come to my side. These young things know nothing about it; 'tis only the women of ripe age who understand the art of love, and no one could know how to fondle the lover who possessed me so well as myself; the young girls are all flightiness.
YOUNG GIRL. Don't be jealous of the young girls; voluptuousness resides in the pure outline of their beautiful limbs and blossoms on their rounded bosoms; but you, old woman, you who are tricked out and perfumed as if for your own funeral, are an object of love only for grim Death himself.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. May your hole be stopped; may you be unable to find your couch when you want to be fucked. And on your couch, when your lips seek a lover, may you embrace only a viper!
YOUNG GIRL. Alas! alas! what is to become of me? There is no lover! I am left here alone; my mother has gone out and the rest care little for me. Oh! my dear nurse, I adjure you to call Orthagoras, and may heaven bless you.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Ah! poor child, desire is consuming you like an Ionian woman; I think you are no stranger to the wanton arts of the Lesbian women, but you shall not rob me of my pleasures; you will not be able to reduce or filch the time that first belongs to me, for your own gain. Sing as much as you please, peep out like a cat lying in wait, but none shall pass through your door without first having been to see me.
YOUNG GIRL. If anyone enter your house, 'twill be to carry out your corpse.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. That's new to me.
YOUNG GIRL. What! you rotten wretch, can anything be new to an old hag like you?
FIRST OLD WOMAN. My old age will not harm you.
YOUNG GIRL. Ah! shame on your painted cheeks!
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Why do you speak to me at all?
YOUNG GIRL. And why do you place yourself at the window?
FIRST OLD WOMAN. I am singing to myself about my lover, Epigenes.
YOUNG GIRL. Can you have any other lover than that old fop Geres?
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Epigenes will show you that himself, for he is coming to me. See, here he is.
YOUNG GIRL. He's not thinking of you in the least, you old witch.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Aye, but he is, you little pest.
YOUNG GIRL. Let's see what he will do. I will leave my window.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. And I likewise. You will see I am not far wrong.
A YOUNG MAN. Ah! could I but sleep with the young girl without first satisfying the old flat-nose! 'Tis intolerable for a free-born man.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Willy nilly, you must first gratify my desire. There shall be no nonsense about that, for my authority is the law and the law must be obeyed in a democracy. But come, let me hide, to see what he's going to do.
YOUNG MAN. Ah! ye gods, if I were to find the sweet child alone! for the wine has fired my lust.
YOUNG GIRL. I have tricked that cursed old wretch; she has left her window, thinking I would stay at home.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Ah! here is the lover we were talking of. This way, my love, this way, come here and haste to rest the whole night in my arms. I worship your lovely curly hair; I am consumed with ardent desire. Oh! Eros, in thy mercy, compel him to my bed.
YOUNG MAN (standing beneath the young girl's window and singing).[716] Come down and haste to open the door unless you want to see me fall dead with desire. Dearest treasure, I am burning to yield myself to most voluptuous sport, lying on your bosom, to let my hands play with your buttocks. Aphrodité, why dost thou fire me with such delight in her? Oh! Eros, I beseech thee, have mercy and make her share my couch. Words cannot express the tortures I am suffering. Oh! my adored one, I adjure you, open your door for me and press me to your heart; 'tis for you that I am suffering. Oh! my jewel, my idol, you child of Aphrodité, the confidante of the Muses, the sister of the Graces, you living picture of Voluptuousness, oh! open for me, press me to your heart, 'tis for you that I am suffering.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Are you knocking? Is it I you seek?
YOUNG MAN. What an idea!
FIRST OLD WOMAN. But you were tapping at the door.
YOUNG MAN. Death would be sweeter.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Why do you come with that torch in your hand?
YOUNG MAN. I am looking for a man from Anaphlystia.[717]
FIRST OLD WOMAN. What's his name?
YOUNG MAN. Oh! 'tis not Sebinus,[718] whom no doubt you are expecting.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. By Aphrodité, youmust, whether you like it or not.
YOUNG MAN. We are not now concerned with cases dated sixty years back; they are remanded for a later day; we are dealing only with those of less than twenty.[719]
FIRST OLD WOMAN. That was under the old order of things, sweetheart, but now you must first busy yourself with us.
YOUNG MAN. Aye,if I want to, according to the rules of draughts, where we may either take or leave.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. But 'tis not according to the rules of draughts that you take your seat at the banquet.[720]
YOUNG MAN. I don't know what you mean; 'tis at this door I want to knock.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Not before knocking at mine first.
YOUNG MAN. For the moment I really have no need for old leather.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. I know that you love me; perhaps you are surprised to find me at the door. But come, let me kiss you.
YOUNG MAN. No, no, my dear, I am afraid of your lover.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Of whom?
YOUNG MAN. The most gifted of painters.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Why, whom do you mean to speak of?
YOUNG MAN. The artist who paints the little bottles on coffins.[721] But get you indoors, lest he should find you at the door.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. I know what you want.
YOUNG MAN. I can say as much of you.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. By Aphrodité, who has granted me this good chance, I won't let you go.
YOUNG MAN. You are drivelling, you little old hag.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Rubbish! I am going to lead you to my couch.
YOUNG MAN. What need for buying hooks? I will let her down to the bottom of the well and pull up the buckets with her old carcase, for she's crooked enough for that.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. A truce to your jeering, poor boy, and follow me.
YOUNG MAN. Nothing compels me to do so, unless you have paid the levy of five hundredths for me.[722]
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Look, by Aphrodité, there is nothing that delights me as much as sleeping with a lad of your years.
YOUNG MAN. And I abhor such as you, and I will never, never consent.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. But, by Zeus, here is something will force you to it.
YOUNG MAN. What's that?
FIRST OLD WOMAN. A decree, which orders you to enter my house.
YOUNG MAN. Read it out then, and let's hear.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Listen. "The women have decreed, that if a young man desires a young girl, he can only possess her after having satisfied an old woman; and if he refuses and goes to seek the maiden, the old women are authorized to seize him by his privates and so drag him in."
YOUNG MAN. Alas! I shall become a Procrustes.[723]
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Obey the law.
YOUNG MAN. But if a fellow-citizen, a friend, came to pay my ransom?
FIRST OLD WOMAN. No man may dispose of anything above a medimnus.[724]
YOUNG MAN. But may I not enter an excuse?
FIRST OLD WOMAN. There's no evasion.
YOUNG MAN. I shall declare myself a merchant and so escape service.[725]
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Beware what you do!
YOUNG MAN. Well! what is to be done?
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Follow me.
YOUNG MAN. Is it absolutely necessary?
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Yes, as surely as if Diomedes had commanded it.[726]
YOUNG MAN. Well then, first spread out a layer of origanum[727] upon four pieces of wood; bind fillets round your head, bring phials of scent and place a bowl filled with lustral water before your door.[728]
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Will you buy a chaplet for me too?
YOUNG MAN. Aye, if you outlast the tapers; for I expect to see you fall down dead as you go in.
YOUNG GIRL. Where are you dragging this unfortunate man to?
FIRST OLD WOMAN. 'Tis my very own property that I am leading in.
YOUNG GIRL. You do ill. A young fellow like him is not of the age to suit you. You ought to be his mother rather than his wife. With these laws in force, the earth will be filled with Oedipuses.[729]
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Oh! you cursed pest! 'tis envy that makes you say this; but I will be revenged.
YOUNG MAN. By Zeus the Deliverer, what a service you have done me, by freeing me of this old wretch! with what ardour I will show you my gratitude in a form both long and thick!
SECOND OLD WOMAN. Hi! you there! where are you taking that young man to, in spite of the law? The decree ordains that he must first sleep with me.
YOUNG MAN. Oh! what a misfortune! Where doesthishag come from? 'Tis a more frightful monster than the other even.
SECOND OLD WOMAN. Come here.
YOUNG MAN (to the young girl). Oh! I adjure you, don't let me be led off by her!
SECOND OLD WOMAN. 'Tis not I; 'tis the law that leads you off.
YOUNG MAN. No, 'tis not the law, but an Empusa[730] with a body covered with blemishes and blotches.
SECOND OLD WOMAN. Follow me, my handsome little friend, come along quick without any more ado.
YOUNG MAN. Oh! let me first do the needful, so that I may gather my wits somewhat. Else I should be so terrified that you would see me letting out something yellow.
SECOND OLD WOMAN. Never mind! you can stool, if you want, in my house.
YOUNG MAN. Oh! I fear doing more than I want to; but I offer you two good securities.
SECOND OLD WOMAN. I don't require them.
THIRD OLD WOMAN. Hi! friend, where are you off to with that woman?
YOUNG MAN. I am not going with her, but am being dragged by force. Oh! whoever you are, may heaven bless you for having had pity on me in my dire misfortune. (Turns round and sees the Third Old Woman.) Oh Heracles! oh Heracles! oh Pan! Oh ye Corybantes! oh ye Dioscuri! Why, she is still more awful! Oh! what a monster! great gods! Are you an ape plastered with white lead, or the ghost of some old hag returned from the dark borderlands of death?
THIRD OLD WOMAN. No jesting! Follow me.
SECOND OLD WOMAN. No, come this way.
THIRD OLD WOMAN. I will never let you go.
SECOND OLD WOMAN. Nor will I.
YOUNG MAN. But you will rend me asunder, you cursed wretches.
SECOND OLD WOMAN. 'Tis I he must go with according to the law.
THIRD OLD WOMAN. Not if an uglier old woman than yourself appears.
YOUNG MAN. But if you kill me at the outset, how shall I afterwards go to find this beautiful girl of mine?
THIRD OLD WOMAN. That's your business. But begin by obeying.
YOUNG MAN. Of which one must I rid myself first?
SECOND OLD WOMAN. Don't you know? Come here.
YOUNG MAN. Then let the other one release me.
THIRD OLD WOMAN. Come to my house.
YOUNG MAN. If this dame will let me go.
SECOND OLD WOMAN. No, by all the gods, I'll not let you go.
THIRD OLD WOMAN. Nor will I.
YOUNG MAN. You would make very bad boatwomen.
SECOND OLD WOMAN. Why?
YOUNG MAN. Because you would tear your passengers to pieces in dragging them on board.
SECOND OLD WOMAN. Then come along, do, and hold your tongue.
THIRD OLD WOMAN. No, by Zeus, come with me.
YOUNG MAN. 'Tis clearly a case of the decree of Cannonus;[731] I must cut myself in two in order to fuck you both. But how am I to work two oars at once?
SECOND OLD WOMAN. Easily enough; you have only to eat a full pot of onions.[732]
YOUNG MAN. Oh! great gods! here I am close to the door and being dragged in!
THIRD OLD WOMAN (to Second Old Woman). You will gain nothing by this, for I shall rush into your house with you.
YOUNG MAN. Oh, no! no! 'twould be better to suffer a single misfortune than two.
THIRD OLD WOMAN. Ah! by Hecaté, 'twill be all the same whether you wish it or not.
YOUNG MAN. What a fate is mine, that I must gratify such a stinking harridan the whole night through and all day; then, when I am rid of her, I have still to tackle a hag of brick-colour hue! Am I not truly unfortunate? Ah! by Zeus the Deliverer! under what fatal star must I have been born, that I must sail in company with such monsters! But if my bark sinks in the sewer of these strumpets, may I be buried at the very threshold of the door; let this hag be stood upright on my grave, let her be coated alive with pitch and her legs covered with molten lead up to the ankles, and let her be set alight as a funeral lamp.
A SERVANT-MAID TO PRAXAGORA (she comes from the banquet). What happiness is the people's! what joy is mine, and above all that of my mistress! Happy are ye, who form choruses before our house! Happy all ye, both neighbours and fellow-citizens! Happy am I myself! I am but a servant, and yet I have poured on my hair the most exquisite essences. Let thanks be rendered to thee, oh, Zeus! But a still more delicious aroma is that of the wine of Thasos; its sweet bouquet delights the drinker for a long enough, whereas the others lose their bloom and vanish quickly. Therefore, long life to the wine-jars of Thasos! Pour yourselves out unmixed wine, it will cheer you the whole night through, if you choose the liquor that possesses most fragrance. But tell me, friends, where is my mistress's husband?
CHORUS. Wait for him here; he will no doubt pass this way.
MAID-SERVANT. Ah! there he is just going to dinner. Oh! master! what joy! what blessedness is yours!
BLEPYRUS. Ah! d'you think so?
MAID-SERVANT. None can compare his happiness to yours; you have reached its utmost height, you who, alone out of thirty thousand citizens, have not yet dined.
CHORUS Aye, here is undoubtedly a truly happy man.
MAID-SERVANT. Where are you off to?
BLEPYRUS. I am going to dine.
MAID-SERVANT. By Aphrodité, you will be the last of all, far and away the last. Yet my mistress has bidden me take you and take with you these young girls. Some Chian wine is left and lots of other good things. Therefore hurry, and invite likewise all the spectators whom we have pleased, and such of the judges as are not against us, to follow us; we will offer them everything they can desire. Let our hospitality be large and generous; forget no one, neither old nor young men, nor children. Dinner is ready for them all; they have but to go … home.[733]
CHORUS. I am betaking myself to the banquet with this torch in my hand according to custom. But why do you tarry, Blepyrus? Take these young girls with you and, while you are away a while, I will whet my appetite with some dining-song. I have but a few words to say: let the wise judge me because of whatever is wise in this piece, and those who like a laugh by whatever has made them laugh. In this way I address pretty well everyone. If the lot has assigned my comedy to be played first of all, don't let that be a disadvantage to me; engrave in your memory all that shall have pleased you in it and judge the competitors equitably as you have bound yourselves by oath to do. Don't act like vile courtesans, who never remember any but their last lover. It is time, friends, high time to go to the banquet, if we want to have our share of it. Open your ranks and let the Cretan rhythms regulate your dances.[734]
SEMI-CHORUS. Ready; we are ready!
CHORUS. And you others, let your light steps too keep time. Very soon will be served a very fine menu[*]—oysters-saltfish-skate-sharks'-heads left-over-vinegar-dressing-laserpitium-leek-with-honey-sauce-thrush blackbird-pigeon-dove-roast-cock's-brains-wagtail-cushat-hare-stewed in-new-wine-gristle-of-veal-pullet's-wings.[735] Come, quick, seize hold of a plate, snatch up a cup, and let's run to secure a place at table. The rest will have their jaws at work by this time.
[* Transcriber's note: In the original, all following words until 'wings' are connected with hyphens, i.e. they formoneword.]
SEMI-CHORUS. Let up leap and dance, Io! evoë! Let us to dinner, Io! evoë.For victory is ours, victory is ours! Ho! Victory! Io! evoë!
* * * * *
* * * * *
Footnotes:
[648] A parody of the pompous addresses to inanimate objects so frequent in the prologues and monodies of Euripides.
[649] A festival which was kept in Athens in the month of scirophorion (June), whence its name; the statues of Athené, Demeter, Persephoné, Apollo and Posidon were borne through the city with great pomp with banners or canopies ([Greek: skira]) over them.
[650] Unknown.
[651] So as to get sunburnt and thus have a more manly appearance.
[652] A demagogue, well known on account of his long flowing beard; he was nicknamed by his fellow-citizens [Greek: Sakesphoros] that is, shield-bearer, because his beard came down to his waist and covered his body like a shield.
[653] Unknown.
[654] Whereas the arms must be extended to do carding, and folk could not fail to recognize her as a woman by their shape.
[655] Agyrrhius was an Athenian general, who commanded at Lesbos; he was effeminate and of depraved habits. No doubt he had let his beard grow to impose on the masses and to lend himself that dignity which he was naturally wanting in.—Pronomus was a flute-player, who had a fine beard.
[656] Young pigs were sacrificed at the beginning of the sittings; here the comic writer substitutes a cat for the pig, perhaps because of its lasciviousness.
[657] A pathic; Aristophanes classes him with the women, because of his effeminacy.
[658] The orators wore green chaplets, generally of olive leaves; guests also wore them at feasts, but then flowers were mingled with the leaves.
[659] An allusion to the rapacity of the orators, who only meddled in political discussions with the object of getting some personal gain through their influence; also to the fondness for strong drink we find attributed in so many passages to the Athenian women.
[660] A sort of cistern dug in the ground, in which the ancients kept their wine.
[661] This was a form of oath that women made use of; hence it is barred by Praxagora.
[662] Another pathic, like Ariphrades, mentioned above.
[663] Before the time of Pericles, when manners had not yet become corrupt, the fame of each citizen was based on fact; worthy men were honoured, and those who resembled Agyrrhius, already mentioned, were detested. For this general, see note a little above.
[664] The alliance with Corinth, Boeotia and Argolis against Sparta in 393 B.C.
[665] Conon, who went to Asia Minor and was thrown into prison at Sardis by the Persian Satrap.
[666] An Argive to whom Conon entrusted the command of his fleet when he went to the court of the King of Persia.—In this passage the poet is warning his fellow-citizens not to alienate the goodwill of the allies by their disdain, but to know how to honour those among them who had distinguished themselves by their talents.
[667] The Lacedaemonians, after having recalled their king, Agesilas, who gained the victory of Coronea, were themselves beaten at sea off Cnidus by Conon and Pharnabazus. 'Twas no doubt this victory which gave aspark of hopeto the Athenians, who had suffered so cruelly during so many years; but Aristophanes declares that, in order to profit by this return of fortune, they must recall Thrasybulus, the deliverer of Athens in 401 B.C. He was then ostensibly employed in getting the islands of the Aegean sea and the towns of the Asiatic coast to return under the Athenian power, but this was really only an honourable excuse for thrusting him aside for reasons of jealousy.
[668] Unknown.
[669] During the earlier years of the Peloponnesian war, when the annual invasion of Attica by the Lacedaemonians drove the country population into the city.
[670] A demagogue, otherwise unknown.
[671] Cephalus' father was said to have been a tinker.
[672] The comic poets accused him of being an alien by birth and also an informer and a rogue. See the 'Plutus.'
[673] There was a Greek saying, "Look into the backside of a dog and of three foxes" which, says the Scholiast, used to be addressed to those who had bad eyes. But the precise point of the joke here is difficult to see.
[674] An obscene allusion; [Greek: hupokrouein] means bothpulsareandsubagitare,—to strike, and also to move to the man in sexual intercourse.
[675] In order to vote.
[676] The Chorus addresses the leaders amongst the women by the names of men. Charitimides was commander of the Athenian navy.
[677] The countryfolk affected to despise the townspeople, whom they dubbed idle and lazy.
[678] The fee of the citizens who attended the Assembly had varied like that of the dicasts, or jurymen.
[679] An Athenian general, who gained brilliant victories over the Thebans during the period prior to the Peloponnesian war.
[680] A dithyrambic poet, and notorious for his dissoluteness; he was accused of having daubed the statues of Hecate at the Athenian cross-roads with ordure.
[681] The women wore yellow tunics, called [Greek: krok_otoi], because of their colour.
[682] This Thrasybulus, not to be confounded with the more famous Thrasybulus, restorer of the Athenian democracy, in 403 B.C., had undertaken to speak against the Spartans, who had come with proposals of peace, but afterwards excused himself, pretending to be labouring under a sore throat, brought on by eating wild pears (B.C. 393). The Athenians suspected him of having been bribed by the Spartans.
[683] A coined word, derived from [Greek:achras], a wild pear.
[684] Amynon was not a physician, according to the Scholiast, but one of those orators called [Greek: europr_oktoi] (laticuli) 'wide-arsed,' because addicted to habits of pathic vice, and was invoked by Blepyrus for that reason.
[685] A doctor notorious for his dissolute life.
[686] The Grecian goddess who presided over child-birth.
[687] He is afraid lest some comic poet should surprise him in his ridiculous position and might cause a laugh at his expense upon the stage.
[688] In accordance with a quaint Athenian custom a rope daubed with vermilion was drawn across from end to end of the Agora (market-place) by officials of the city at the last moment before the Ecclesia, or Public Assembly, was to meet. Any citizen trying to evade his duty to be present was liable to have his white robe streaked red, and so be exposed to general ridicule on finally putting in an appearance on the Pnyx.
[689] A parody on a verse in 'The Myrmidons' of Aeschylus.—Antilochus was the son of Nestor; he was killed by Memnon, when defending his father.
[690] See above.
[691] He was very poor, and his cloak was such a mass of holes that one might doubt his having one at all. This surname, Evaeon ([Greek: eu ai_on], delicious life) had doubtless been given him on the 'lucus a non' principle because of his wretchedness.
[692] Apparently a wealthy corn-factor.
[693] Presumably this refers to the grandson of Nicias, the leader of the expedition to Sicily; he must have been sixteen or seventeen years old about that time, since, according to Lysias, Niceratus, the son of the great Nicias, was killed in 405 B.C. and had left a son of tender age behind him, who bore the name of his grandfather.
[694] That is, the pale-faced folk in the Assembly already referred to—really the women there present surreptitiously.
[695] To eat cuttle-fish was synonymous with enjoying the highest felicity.
[696] A common vulgar saying, used among the Athenians, as much as to say,To the devil with interruptions!
[697] This stood in the centre of the market-place.
[698] It was the custom at Athens to draw lots to decide in which Court each dicast should serve; Praxagora proposes to apply the same system to decide the dining station for each citizen.
[699] In Greek [Greek: h_e basileius]([Greek: stoa], understood), the first letter a [Greek: b_eta.]
[700] Commencing with a [Greek: Th_eta].
[701] [Greek: Ha alphitop_olis stoa]; why [Greek: kappa], it is hard to say; from some popular nickname probably, which is unknown to us.
[702] The pun cannot be kept in English; it is between [Greek: kaptein], to gobble, to cram oneself, and [Greek: kappa], the designating letter.
[703] That is, one of the beautiful maidens selected to bear the baskets containing the sacred implements in procession at the Festival of Demeter, Bacchus and Athené.
[704] The slave-girl who attended each Canephoros, and sheltered her from the sun's rays.
[705] Mentioned a little above for his ugliness; the Scholiast says he was a general.
[706] Hydriaphoros; the wives of resident aliens ([Greek: metoikoi]) were allowed to take part in these processions, but in a subordinate position; they carried vessels full of water for the service of the sacrifice.
[707] Scaphephoros, bearer of the vases containing the honey required for the sacrifices. The office was assigned to the [Greek: metoikoi] as a recognition of their semi-citizenship.
[708] A miser, who, moreover, was obstinately constipated.
[709] Presumably a man in extreme poverty.
[710] The ancients carried small coins in their mouth; this custom still obtains to-day in the East.
[711] This Euripides was the son of the tragic poet.
[712] This Smaeus was a notorious debauchee; the phrase contains obscene allusions, implying that he was ready both to ride a woman or to lick her privates—[Greek: kel_etizein] or [Greek: lesbiazein].
[713] Geres, an old fop, who wanted to pass as a young man.
[714] According to Greek custom, these were left at the entrance of the banqueting-hall.
[715] The names of his slaves.
[716] A specimen of theserenades([Greek: paraklausithura]) of the Greeks.
[717] An Attic deme. There is an obscene jest here; the word [Greek: anaphlan] means to masturbate.
[718] [Greek: Ton Sebinon], a coined name, representing [Greek: ton se binounta], 'the man who is to tread you.'
[719] The passage is written in the language of the Bar. It is an allusion to the slowness of justice at Athens.
[720] i.e. the new law must be conformed to all round.
[721] It was customary to paint phials or little bottles on the coffins of the poor; these emblems took the place of the perfumes that were sprinkled on the bodies of the rich.
[722] i.e. unless I am your slave; no doubt this tax of five hundredths was paid by the master on the assumed value of his slave.—We have, however, no historical data to confirm this.
[723] Nickname of the notorious brigand. The word means 'one who stretches and tortures,' from [Greek: prokrouein], and refers to his habit of fitting all his captives to the same bedstead—the 'bed of Procrustes'—stretching them if too short to the required length, lopping their limbs as required if they were too long. Here a further pun is involved, [Greek: prokrouein] meaning also 'to go with a woman first.'
[724] Athenian law declared it illegal for a woman to contract any debt exceeding the price of amedimnusof corn; this law is now supposed to affect the men.
[725] Merchants were exempt from military service; in this case, it is another kind of service that the old woman wants to exact from the young man.
[726] A Thracian brigand, who forced strangers to share his daughters' bed, or be devoured by his horses.
[727] Dead bodies were laid out on a layer of origanum, which is an aromatic plant.
[728] The young man is here describing the formalities connected with the laying out of the dead.
[729] Who had married his mother Jocasta without knowing it.
[730] A hideous spectre that Hecaté was supposed to send to frighten men.
[731] Which provided that where a number of criminals were charged with the same offence, each must be tried separately.
[732] As an aphrodisiac.
[733] We have already seen similar waggish endings to phrases in the 'Lysistrata'; the figure is called [Greek: para prosdokian]—'contrary to expectation.'
[734] Nothing is known as to these Cretan rhythms. According to the Scholiast, this is a jest, because the Cretans, who were great eaters, sat down to table early in the morning. This is what the Chorus supposes it is going to do, since 'The Ecclesiazusae' was played first, i.e. during the forenoon.
[735] This wonderful word consists, in the original Greek, of seventy-seven syllables. For similar burlesque compounds see the 'Lysistrata,' 457, 458; 'Wasps,' 505 and 520. Compare Shakespeare, 'Love's Labour's Lost,' Act V. sc. 1: "I marvel thy master hath not eaten thee for a word; for thou art not so long by the head ashonorificabilitudinitatibus." This is outdone by Rabelais'Antipericatametaanaparbeugedamphicribrationibus.