CHAP. VI.

How he went a Begging. What Rules he observ’d therein. What Villanies he committed whilst he profest that mysterious Art.

Necessity is a thing better known by the effects, than its character; and of all things the most insufferable: to prevent which, it puts a man on to venture upon all manner of dishonest and dangerous actions, suggesting strange imaginations, and desperate resolutions, solliciting things infamous, and attempting things impossible; the product of which is only disorder, confusion, shame, and in the end ruine. But when Necessity shall conjoyn with an evil disposition, a deprav’d nature, what horrid and nefarious facts will it not instigate that man to perpetrate? And though he seeth monthly examples of persons condemned and executed for the like crimes he daily practiseth, will not forbear nor desist from such irregular and life-destroying courses, till they have brought him to the like miserable Catastrophe. Necessity had now deeply faln in love with me; and the young Virgin Shame-fac’dness (once my Mistress) had forsaken me: for as soon as I had pull’d but one thread out of her garment, all the rest unravell’d; and she not brooking her nakedness, changed her master, and so totally left me. Having now obtained more than a convenient boldness I travell’d, and begg’d with very good success. But me thought my life was somewhat uncomfortable without a Companion, (all Creatures coveting society, but more especially Man:) at length, according to my desires, I met with one, whose long practice in this Art, besides the Observations of his Predecessors, deriving his pedegree in a direct line fromPrince Prigg, indu’d him with so much skill as to furnish me with the knowledge of anything that belonged to the liberal Art of Begging. We straight betook our selves to theBoozing Ken; and havingbubb’d rumly, we concluded an everlasting friendship. Than did he recount to me the most material things observable in our Profession. First, he tun’d my voice to that pitch which might most of all raise compassion; next what form of prayer I was to use upon such an occasion, what upon such, varying according to the humour of those persons that I begged of, gathered from their habit or gesture; then he told me when we came toLondon, he would acquaint me what places were most fit for our purpose, and what times. That I ought not to be too importunate to some, always wishing well, and loudly praying for the health and safety of Estate and Limbs of such as deny’d me Alms; but more especially pronounce aGod bless you Master, and let Heaven reward what you have here done on earth, if any thing is bestowed upon me. If any should pity my nakedness, and cloath me in garments without holes in them, I should wear them no longer than in the Donors sight, reserving my rags to re-invest my self, and sell the other, as unfit and scandalous to our Occupation. That we should never beg far from one another, and at nights faithfully share the gains. Moreover, he inform’d me the way to make all sorts of seeming sores and lameness. That within the tatter’d rags, there be places provided for private conveyance. Some of maturer age, if they have no children, rent them of such as have; but we had no occasion for this fallacy. That if I saw a door open, I should go in boldly; if I met any in the way, I should then in a very submissive manner implore their help in the assistance of my wants, never desiring any thing but what was of small value, one half-penny, farthing, or some broken crust, (if at a door) pretending the not eating of a bit in two days. If the passage was clear, whip away what was nearest to hand. That the time of rising in the morning be very early, shewing my self in the streets: for then will those that pass by, judge I have no other lodging but what a stall affords, that way procuring relief from pitiful-minded persons, and so continue begging till the evening; when it beginneth to be duskish, if any then walks singly, accost him in a begging form; coming up so close, as that you may knock him down with a Truncheon, still carried about for that purpose; which is done securely, and many times with a good booty.

Being full fraught with these, and many more precepts he delivered, we set forth on our progress. We had not gone far, before we were surprized by the Constable, as two sturdy Vagrants, and ashand-sailto my new Trade, we were both soundly whipt out of Town. To avoid this danger for the time to come, we mist all the towns of any considerable note in our way, and only frequented Villages; nay at last we were forc’d not only to avoid them but the High-ways too: for Travellers observing our garb, countenances, and weapon, which was a Battoon, suspecting us, would before they came near us, set spurs to their horses and ride as if the Devil drove them. Many petty rogueries we performed by the way, not worthy the commemoration, and therefore I shall pass them over; only this I shall insert.

Travelling the Field-way, we stumbled on aTinkerand hisTrulllying by an Hedge-side, I knew not what to thinke at first they lay so still, with much pulling and stirring then they awakened; I askt them what they lay there for? They answered me, That they were lately bitten by a Serpent near adjacent, a potent creature, mighty in strength, and of a vast proportion, who had lately stung several as well as they. It seem’d very strange to us, especially having heard not the least report hereof. To be short, I desir’d them to shew us the place of his residence, which they readily consented to. In stead of this Venomous Animal, they only brought us to its representation in a sign, where a Cup of double-brew’d Beer was sold, notable huming geer. The people lik’d the Tinker and his Female Comrade well enough, but would not admit of us, till we shew’d them money: For our Vestments look’d like the Gleanings of a Rag-merchants Yard. We drank stifly till we laid the Woman asleep again: still the Tinker bore up stifly, she had not slept long, but up she started, pull’d up her coats, and in our presence piss’d in the middle of the room and so sate her self down, yet awaked not: which action could not but produce much laughter from me and my Comrade. At last the Tinker fell asleep too, having added so much to his former burden that he was no longer able to stand under it. Now had my wits enough to work on: but finding my self very drowsie, for the strength of the drink had almost over-powred me, insomuch that I was forc’d to advise with my friend what course I were best take to make me a little more sober: he was so well known in such matters, (being an old experienced Pitcher-man) that he quickly counselled me what to do, he himself being not in the least disturb’d. This was his advice which he did put in practice, he got a Pail full of water, and so taking me up by the heels, he clapt my head thereinto; holding me in that manner so long, that thePailhad like to have prov’d theFerry-boatthat should waft me over theStygian Lake; this so qualified the heat my head had contracted by my excessive drinking of that strong stupifying liquor, that I found it had wrought its desired effects.

After this, we ransackt their pockets, but found little in the mans; but searching the woman in a private place between her Pocket and Placket, we discovered something considerable, which we took. Having so done, we thought it high time to be gone, but first we resolved to make some sport as well as take their moneys, which was thus: I tied to each of their Girdles, behind, a Flaggon-pot, and to each a Label affixt, or a paper of Verses, and so immediately tript off. The Host seeing us go out of doors with more than ordinary speed, ran into the room where theTinkerand hisLadywere: he suddenly awaked them, telling them we were gone. Hearing this, they hastily started up, and reeling ran to overtake us: the Master of the house seeing his Pots dangling at their breech, ran after theTinker, crying,Stop’em, stop’em, Stop the thievish Tinker, stop the Whore with my Pot. We were wiser than to stay to hear how theTinkerand hisTrullcame off, or to hear the laughter that we undoubtedly raised by this waggish contrivance, but directed our course forLondondirectly; where we arrived soon enough, nay too soon for some. This Out-cry soon alarm’d the ears of his Neighbours, who with the Host seizing on them, and carrying them back, gave us an opportunity for our escape. The Lines that were about theTinkersPot, were these, to my best remembrance.

Serpents but sting, or only bite so deep,To numb the sense, so lay men fast asleep.Wit acts far greater things. I’ll say no more:Pay first for sleeping, then the Pots restore.

Serpents but sting, or only bite so deep,

To numb the sense, so lay men fast asleep.

Wit acts far greater things. I’ll say no more:

Pay first for sleeping, then the Pots restore.

Those that were fastened to the Womans Pot, were these:

’Twas not the Serpent, but strong Beer that stung:Theventbeingstopt, the Drink wrought through theBung.

’Twas not the Serpent, but strong Beer that stung:

Theventbeingstopt, the Drink wrought through theBung.

I had like to have forgot to give you an account of a merry passage that hapned upon the road we travelled on; beating the hoof we overtook a Cart, but in the name ofRabbi Abraham, what think you was in it? In troth even a Squadron of theTatterdemallion Regiment; Some pretendedly blind, others their leggs tied up in a string. A third sort having a dead Palsy over all one side. A fourth so lame as if he never had been strung with sinews. We fell into discourse, asking them whither they were bound thus carted? They answered us: every one for his own Country, we have been already jib’d (said one) that is jerkt at the Whipping-post, and now enjoy the benefit of a Pass. The Surly Rogue the Carter observing our familiar talk made a stand, speaking to us after this manner. Why how now Gentlemen, how dropt you out of the Carts Arse? what, you go on foot and your Brethren ride? It shall not be; ease your legs, come I’le lend you an hand. I was about to reply when a fellow came along who knew this Carter, and askt him what he would do, or whither he was going with them Criples. Introth said he, to tell you the truth, I am going toKilum(a Town it seems on the borders ofOxford-Shire.) Hearing this, I knew not what to think on’t but consulted with the aspect of the carted crew. Their faces discovered nothing but sence of danger, so that now I perceiv’d their thoughts were solely imployed about their escape, which they did soon put in execution. For forthwith the strings were cut that tied up their legs, who silently slid out of the cart one after another for fear of discovery, the blind could see their way down too, the Paralitick could run as swift as a Stag; The fellow drove on still, not missing his Company presently, at last looking about he saw one running this way, another that way, a third contrary to either, a fourth was hiding himself in a bush, thus they were all disperst: D’ee here, d’ee here, cry’d the Carter, restore the leggs and eyes you borrowed, and then run to the Devil if you can. I heard one of them distinctly answer him, I’le see you hang’d first, you murdering Rogue e’re I will come near you; dont you remember that you said even now that you were going to Killum. Could you but imagine the various postures their causless fear put them in you would be a great Sharer with me in laughter, I could not retain my self from; this story put me in mind of the like mistake, whose effects proved more fatall in the time of the intestine wars inIreland: a Trooper met with a Sculogue or Country-fellow, and demanding of him whence he came, he answered fromKillwanium: whither art a going? toKillmoresayd he: (these are two Towns) with that the Soldier sware he should not kill more, and so pistol’d him.

CHAP. VII.

Coming toLondon, he enters himself into the society of Beggars, distinguished by these Titles,Ben seakers,Dommerars,Clapperdogeons, &c., with a short description of their Manners and Customes; as also a relation of a piece of Theft he committed.

Coming up toLondon, we straight way betook our selves toNewington-Butts, but by the way, my Friend could not forbear calling on his Friends inKent-street, there they gave me a Nick-name; and my Comrade immediately fell to work, to put himself into an equipage fit for the employment we had undertaken. He needed not to alter his habit; but his chief aim was to make counterfeit Sores or Clymes, according to the term of Art that is given them. With the assistance of some of the Fraternity, he had in an hours time, such a Leg, that I could hardly look upon it without even dropping down; and thus they made it; They took unslaked Lime and Sope, mingled with the rust of old Iron: these being well temper’d together, they did spred it thick on two pieces of leather, which they apply’d to his Leg, binding it thereunto very hard, which in a short time did fret off the skin, the flesh appearing all raw; then did they take blood and rub’d it all over his Leg; which being fully dried, made the Leg appear all black, the Sore they did only let peep out of the holes of five or six matterish clouts. He soon got us a Doxie too, with a couple of children, (the fitter for our purpose) the one to carry in her arms, and the other to lead. Providing himself and me with a good lustyFilchorStick, with a hole at the end thereof, to put in a hook if occasion should serve, to filch any thing off Hedges,&c.Away we went intoMoor-fields: he would have made me aClymetoo, or an Artificial sore; but my stomack would no wayes accept of his kindness. Coming into the Fields, he planted me in a convenient place, theDoxiewith herLullaby-cheatsin another; and himself in a third, not far distant from one another, that one might catch the othersMaundingat the rebound. I observ’d myFriendandRoguediligently, what he did, for my own information. One would have sworn he had been absolutely lame, for (about to lie down) he slid to the earth by his Staff; being on the ground, the first thing I took notice of; was the pitious distorting of his face into various forms, to stir up compassion in such as passed by him; to which he added, a most doleful noise to this effect;For Gods sake some tender hearted Christians, cast through your merciful eyes one pittiful look upon a sore, lame, and miserable wretch: Bestow one penny or half-penny upon him that is ready to perish, &c. I knew not how to tune my voice, for hearkening to him; which he observing (when all the people were passed by) he held up his stick at me, a strong argument of his great displeasure, which lest I might farther incur, I was forced to tone it out to some purpose. Night approaching, we left off begging, resolving to recreate our selves with what we had got: in the way home, I saw a very fine piece of Beef lying on a Butchers-stall, the woman that kept the shop, was telling a Gossips tale to her neighbour so intentively, as I thought I might seize on my prey, and she never the wiser; with that I boldly snatched it up; which an opposite neighbour perceiving, ran after me, and soon took me. I was brought back before the woman, who was so wise (forsooth) that she would not receive stollen goods, though they were her own; and so inraged she was, that nothing would serve her turn, but I must go before a Justice; and to add to my punishment, she made me carry the stollen Beef openly. Coming before his Worship, my accusation was read, aggravated by many feigned circumstances. The pitiful and sad calls of my eyes, were all the Rhetorick I used in my own vindication; which the merciful Justice perceiving, they were so prevalent, as to gain some favour from him; whereupon he ask’d the woman what she valued her Beef at?Why(said she)I would not have abated a penny of five shillings. Take heed what you say, good woman, (said he)for should you swear this, it is enough to hang him. O Lord, Sir, (said she)I would not hang him for a world; then said his Worship,You must prize it under thirteen pence half-penny; whereupon the Butchers Wife was content to value it at eight pence. The price being set, the Beef was conveyed into the Justices Kitchin, and the woman put to her Oath; having sworn, myMittimuswas made, and therewith sent to Prison. The woman now thought she should have her Beef surely, and without any danger in the reception, and therefore demanded it; but the Justice told her he would buy it of her, and so asked her what she would have for it:Sir, (said she) five shillings; I cannot afford it one farthing under. How, how! (said he) did you not swear but even now, it was worth but eight pence, and do you now talk of five shillings? A mear Cheat, Extortioner, &c. Make herMittimus, (speaking to his Clerk) which so terrified the Woman, that she cried out most pitteously; good your Worship, do not send me to Prison, and do with me what you please. The Justice at this lookt stedfastly upon her (who was not so old but that he could discern a handsome woman when he faw her) and indeed generally your Butchers have jolly handsome Wives; otherwise they may be ashamed to serve seven years in handling and choosing good flesh for others, and at last know not how to make choice of a fine young plump juicie bit for themselves. I say, the Justice looking upon her, smiled, yet seemed to reprove her sharply, and at last pretended he had something to tell her he would not have every one hear, carried her into a withdrawing Room, where they staid not long but out she came and declared openly that she would never desire more justice done her, than that good and just Justice (as she called him) had shown her. And as I understood afterwards, he did her so much right, that she sent him in an half dozen of Bottles of Canary, and supt with him on her own flesh; I in the mean time wished them both choaked in the eating thereof; for never didRoman Catholickendure greater and severerpennancefor eating flesh onGood-friday; then I for coveting this; I have lov’d a Capon the better for it ever since. For I was no sooner gotten out into the street, but I had a hundred people about me, crying which is the young Rogue; this, this is he said the Butcher, pretending to lay his hand upon my shoulder, but gave me a terrible nip by the ear, which made me roar out so loud and so suddenly unexpected, that my Gentleman Usher that was leading me by the arm to theWhite Lyon, starting, let go his hold. There was no dallying with so fair an opportunity, fear and love of sweet liberty so wing’d my feet, that running instantly hereupon, I was gotten presently a great way before them. The Harmanbeck, Huntsman or Constable seeing this, unable to run himself by reason of that great load of flesh he constantly carried about him, set a pack of young yelping Curs to track the scent, but they were soon all at a loss: and so I escapt their clutches.

CHAP. VIII.

Whilst a Beggar what cunning tricks he invented to steal undiscovered, and how at last served, being caughtipso facto.

The next day I went intoLincolns-Inn-fields, where I saw a company of Rogues, cheats, Pick-pockets, &c., playing at Pidgeon holes (a game much practised there, and in More-fields, by such mischievious and lazie Rascals) growing very hungry, I singled out two or three of the fittest for my purpose in assisting or contriving Roguery; a little rising grass-plat was our counsil-table, where we consulted what stratagems would best take and were least known. Come Gentlemen said I (for the Liberal Science or antient profession they studied was enough to gentelize them) what money have yee,sine Cerere & Baccho friget ingenium, we must have good liquor that shall warm our bloods, enliven and unthaw our congealed spirits and make our inventions and fancies as nimble as lightning. Faith said one, I have but three pence; yet that you may see how well quallified I am for your company, I’le have money for you presently. He was not gone much above an half hour but merrily he came to us; sitting down he desired me to put my hand down his neck between his wascoat and shirt, which accordingly I did, but admired to groap out three rashers of Bacon, which I produced to the Company. Very importunate I was with him, to know what it meant, and how they came there. Give me attention (said he) and I will unravel this riddle thus. Walking along the streets leisurely, strictly eying any thing on which I might seize securely and advantageously: at length I saw a good pittiful old Woman (for so she seem’d to me by her countenance) selling Bacon, who I observ’d did put what money she took into a pocket made in her Apron. Upon this sight Fancy me thought suggested to me that her money was as already as surely mine as if I had already confin’d it close Prisoner in my leathern dungeon. And thus I wrought my design. Good Woman said I, (speaking in a whining tone,) how do you sell your Bacon a pound? Seven pence (said she,) whereupon I began a lamentable oration, telling her that I would willingly have half a pound but that I had but three pence; that my Master was a very cruel man, half starving his servants; come give me your money sirrah, she said, for once you shall have it so; weighing it, I desired her to cut it into slices and thrust it down my back; She asked my reason for it, I told her that my Master usually searcht me, and should he find any such thing in my pockets, he would half murther me. Alas poor boy (quoth the good old Woman) lean down thy head towards me, surely I will do thee that small kindness: whilst she was larding my back, I got my hands underneath her Apron, and with this short knife nipt of the bottom of her pocket, and thus have I done my part to procure yee both food and money. As I lookt on this as base ingratitude, so I could not but tacitely within myself, both condemn and abhorr such society, remembring the words ofJuvenal.

Ingratos ante omnia pone sodales.

Of all persons we should shun most the ingrateful. Neither could I forbear (though I was joyful of the purchase) to read him a publick lecture on his ingratitude; what (said I) shall we find gratitude in Beasts (as in the Lyon that was healed byAndronicusin the wood, which afterwards saved his life in the Theater) and yet shall we be unthankful! I have read a story of anAspthat was kept and nourished by an Husbandman at his own table, feeding him there dayly; at last she brought forth two young ones, one whereof poisoned the Husbandmans son, the old one (as my Author tells me) in the sight of the Father killed the offender and as if ashamed of his ingratitude departed the house with the other and was not seen after. I would have proceeded, but that they told me if I did, they would have no men of morals in their company, and so away we went to Beggars Hall, hard by, where we called lustily. Fearing we should spend all the money, I desired the company that some small portion might be left in my hands as a stock to trade on, which they consented to.

Having feasted our selves well, before we departed, the next days meeting was appointed, when and where. Against the time I had made a quantity of Serpents, Crackers, &c., and brought them with me. When first I show’d them, they all fell out a laughing to think I could improve our stock by such devices. Have but the patience to hear me (said I) and then condemn me if you see cause; Ever since I parted from you I have been racking my invention to find out some way whereby I might render my self both deserving of, and acceptable to your company, and I think this my first discovery will do it; I would have youJack,TomandWill, take an equal quantity of Crackers and Serpents, and anon at night let us go into the Market, where each of you shall observe each of us: where ever we make a stand be sure you throw a Serpent,&c.at that very place; and then will we take the opportunity of the peoples confusion and fright, and so march off with what we can lay hands on. This plot was very well liked of by all. The evening approaching (it being nearNovember) we went to put what I had contrived to execution. The first that was thrown was where I stood, which fell into the Basket on which a Market Woman sate, the Woman starting up to extinguish it, suddenly it bounced in her face, the smoak whereof and powder, for a little time so blinded her, that she could not see me walk off with a shoulder of Mutton, my comrades had the like success with a Pig and a Goose. Having done enough as we thought for that time, we went to a place of our acquaintance, where we had the Mutton, Pig, and Goose roasted, giving the Landlord the Pig for dressing, bread, and drink. We were so successful for the first, that we made several tryals afterwards not ineffectual. But in fine, I found the Proverb verified,The pitcher goes not so often to the well, but that it comes home crackt at last. One time I went, and having ordered them to do as they had done before, a Serpent came flying on the Womans stall where I stood and fell into her lap, which being brusht off, fell underneath her coats, and there burst, in the mean while I had gotten a loyn of Veal and was trooping off with it, the Woman missing it suspected me by my great haste, followed me and laying hands on me found her meat under my coat. O have I caught you Mr. Theif. Mistake not good Woman (said I) it is no such matter. For as I stood by your stall, the wildfire which some unhappy Knaves threw, so scared me, that having your meat in my hand at that time cheapning it, I was so frighted that I ran away with your Veal to shun the danger, forgetting to lay it down, wherefore pray take it again. Taking her meat, here is a pure excuse indeed (said she) but this shall not serve your turn, and with that, gave me two or three such blows on my chops, that I verily thought she had made me swallow half my teeth. Another that had heard our discourse takes me to task after this: Come sirrah, you love the flesh well, but ’tis fit you should pay for it. And it is but just if you will have my flesh, I should have some of yours. Up straight he snatcht his Knife, and holding me by the ear I verily thought he would have markt me as he used to do his calves. My crying and praying so far prevailed, that he only kickt me to his next Neighbour and so from one to another, so that though it cannot be said I ran the Gantlet, yet between the Pannyers on both sides, I was kickt the Gantlet from the Standard inCheapsideto the conduit at the lower end thereof. This unhappy adventure made me betake my self to my old course of begging, resolving as yet not to deal in that trade I had litle experience in.

CHAP. IX.

A Merchant seeing him begging, took a fancy to him, conducts him to his House, and entertains him as his Servant.

One day as I was begging, more fervently then formerly, having gotten not one penny that day, so that I found a civil war between my Guts and Stomack, yet knew not how to salve up the difference; neither would they hearken to any thing but a Bill of Fare. In the midst of this combustion, a Tradesman of no mean quality, passing by, took a strong fancy to me, being extraordinarily pleased with the form of my face and body. He asked me, Whence I came? what my Parents were? and what I intended? I answered him with well contriv’d forgeries, that seemed to give him good satisfaction: liking well both my speech and understanding, he bid me follow him, which accordingly I did; having conducted me to his house, he presented me to his Wife, my intended Mistris, telling her his resolutions of receiving me into his service; at which she blest her self, saying,Prithee, Sweet-heart, from what Dunghil didst thou pick up thisShakerag, this Squire of the body? This thing drest up in sippits? This Scarecrow, what shall I call him?(for I am sure I had but few cloathes on, but what were rather fit to dung ground, then to be sent to the Paper-mill.) Said my Master,Rest yourself satisfied, since it is my pleasure, this shall be so: neither can I give you any reason for my fancy. Whereupon he commanded me to be stript, and well washed; in the mean time cloaths were provided for me, a suit of one of his Apprentices. A great Vessel likeCorneliushis Tub, was filled with water to bath me, but so cunningly set by the Maids, (though privately) that they might see me all over naked. It was my good fortune to observe my Mistress standing in a private place on purpose to see me dismantled; and after I was washed, she commended the whiteness of my skin and well-proportioned limbs; and by the consequent, approv’d within her self of something else, for I was then a stubbed Lad. Being new clothed, and raised to this unexpected fortune, how strangely did this vain blast puff up my empty pate! However, I was resolved to carry my self discreetly, lest I should overthrow the state I was then in, not yet well settled. Wherefore I behaved myself very respectfully towards my Master, and served him as punctually as I could, endeavouring that my service should requite his kindness in as great measure as my abilities could perform.

My endeavour was not only to please my Master, but my Mistress too, even in the meanest services; so officious to her, that I was ready to perform the office of a Chamber-maid. The maid-servants I obliged also, by doing their duty, as making the fires, washing the Kitching, nimbly and willingly doing any thing they would have me; by which I so ingratiated my self among them, that I always had their good estimation among themselves, and good word to my Master and Mistress when occasion served. Very careful I was, not to report what I heard, lest I by that means, involv’d my self in the affairs of others, without advantage to my self. For by meddling in others matters, I should breed animosity among them, and reap just hatred to my self, when discovered to be the too too busie intelligencer. This I looked on as an undeniable maxime, That nothing more recommends a man, then a silent tongue, (unless necessity required the contrary) a fair complacential carriage, and a faithful heart. My Master in a humour would sometimes find fault with me, but then it was my chiefest care not to reply, knowing, that what should be alleadged as to my just vindication, would but aggravate his spirits being passionate, alwayes punctually performing what was commanded me. To try my fidelity, he would lay a sixpence on the Counter, or in the Window, as if it had been left there forgotten. I was wiser then to be caught so, and therefore would instantly carry him the money. One time sending me out to buy something, instead of a shilling he gave me among other money a piece of Gold; I took no notice of it then, but being gone a little way, I came running back out of breath to restore him the piece; this and the like made my Master stand amazed at my seeming honesty. A strange alteration, you will say; but all this was only to get a good esteem, whereby I might gain fast footing. What though I underwent a great deal of pains, and had my patience tried to the height? Yet I gain’d much in the end, had God given me grace rightly to use it, and the baseness of my nature not perswaded me to abuse it. So much credit I had gotten with my Master, by my civil behaviour, that he raised megradatim, step by step. Being ignorant of Arithmetick; he caused a Master to come to his house to instruct me, which I soon apprehended, and by that means was capacitated to keep his accompts, which was the thing I aim’d at, intending thereby the prosecution of mine own ends, notwithstanding my pretended fidelity, and his real kindness to me undeserv’d: which puts me in mind of the conclusion of an Epitaph I have read on a Tomb, which the Master erected for the perpetual commemoration of his servants cordial respect and honesty.

View oft his Tomb-stone, since we seldome find,A servant faithful, and his Master kind.

View oft his Tomb-stone, since we seldome find,

A servant faithful, and his Master kind.

Now to the intent I might compleat my conquest of his heart, I pretended my self anIndependent, not omitting any opportunity of going to their meetings; and upon all occasions would rail against Steeple-houses (as we called them) and tear the Bishops holland sleaves to pieces, calling them the impure rags of the Babylonish Whores Smock, &c. I would pray mornings and evenings so loud, so late, and so early, that my neighbours could hardly sleep for me, much less those of our own Family. Notwithstanding all this piety, not a day past wherein I cheated not my Master. Thus did I delude his eyes with pretended sanctity, yet concluded with the Poet,

Da mihi fallere, da justum Sanctumque videri,Noctem peccatis & fraudibus objice nubem.Let me seem just; to cheat the better shrow’d,Let my deceits be hidden in a Cloud.

Da mihi fallere, da justum Sanctumque videri,Noctem peccatis & fraudibus objice nubem.

Da mihi fallere, da justum Sanctumque videri,

Noctem peccatis & fraudibus objice nubem.

Let me seem just; to cheat the better shrow’d,Let my deceits be hidden in a Cloud.

Let me seem just; to cheat the better shrow’d,

Let my deceits be hidden in a Cloud.

How much did I silly fool deceive my self, thinking my self secure, because no mortal eye saw me. Be not thus cheated as I was, for assure your self there is no darkness so thick and obscure, which the All-over-seeing and Eternal piercing eye cannot penetrate——

Cernit Deus omnia vindex.

A passage remarkable inErasmusI read to this purpose concerning a young Gentleman, whom a wanton Lady tempted, who used this expression as his last and best Refuge.Art not thou ashamed to do that in the sight of thy Maker, and the Holy Angels, which thou art ashamed to do in the sight of men.We are afraid of disgrace with men, not caring for the Grace of God.

CHAP. X.

How he came acquainted with lewd and vicious Apprentices. What Trade they drove together. What places and times of meeting.

I was as officious at home, as reserved from all company, never stirring forth unless called out by my Masters business, till my next Neighbours man intruded himself into my acquaintance. Who so farr insinuated himself into my affections, that I was in a manner wholly ruled by him. He and I met on a time abroad, and would not be deny’d but he must needs fasten a glass of Wine, conducting me to a Tavern where the Drawer (as he said) was his friend. After several Congratulations past, order was given for a pint of Canary: being gone to draw it, this young man began to tell me what an honest fellow thisRalphthe Drawer was; which words he had no sooner utter’d, but I heard him cry at the Bar,A Pint of White-wine in the Rose score; and immediately in he brings it, and in formality a glass, but we made no use of it, for he was fearful his Master would discover the cheat, and therefore desired us to be speedy in the dispatch, and so we made but two draughts thereof. Away he goes again, and brings in another, not after the same manner, but crying itRight, bringing withal a Quart-Bottle in his Codpiece:Now, Gentleman, (said he)using your discretion, you may sit and talk freely, without either fear or suspition, using your glass and when your pint is empty fill him again you shall not want for liquor Ladds. This something amazed me at first, till my NeighbourThomastold me that this was frequent, and that he and two or three friends at any time could be drunk for six pence a piece.Come, come, you are but a Novice, said he;but if you will be ruled by me, I’ll shew you the way to soften the cord of bondage, to make the long time of a seven years Apprenticeship seem short, by living as merry, nay more jovially than our Masters. They may be destracted with cares how to procure necessaries, pay Rent, satisfie Creditors, whilst we have none of these pressures and disturbances on our spirits. What though we have an harsh word or a smart blow, it may be, a broken pate? We will make his Till spring a leak for it, or his Goods go to Pot, and break him at last too. It may be his Provision is neither dainty nor plentiful, nay, restrained, from our liberty too: ’tis only by day then, we will be Masters of our own at night, not wanting any thing that may conduce to mirth, or the delegation of our insatiate senses.

I asked him how could this be done? He answered,If I would swear to be secret and faithful, and become a Brother of the society, he would not only tell me how all this(afore recited)might be performed, but would likewise introduce me into the place where these jolly Blades used to congregate. I soon consented, rejoycing exceedingly at this blessed opportunity, (as I thought it) wherein I might sail in the Ocean of delight, bound for no other Port but that of Pleasure or Profit, never considering the inevitable Quicksands which such meet withal, steering that course, having no other Compass to sail by then their own Fancy. Very eager I was to have him inform my judgment with what at present I understood not, but doubted not in a little time to be as forward as the foremost in any moral wickedness. First, he informed me, that I must insinuate myself into the Maids favour, so that, when the occasion should require, she may let you have the Key of the Street-door, or else sit up for your return, making her sensible that she doth not so break her sleep for nothing. That I must never fail coming home to gratifie her kindness. If she be modest and continent, only kiss her, and that my behaviour should not be either rude or lascivious, that all my expressions should savour ofPlatonique, or chast love, often repeating this to her;O that I was out of my time, if it were for nothing else but to repay thee thy love! So great an acknowledgement I have of thy civilities, that I hope a time will come wherein I shall make full satisfaction for all, &c.If she be bucksome, or wantonly given, she will never be content with hopes, promises, and protestations, vows, and such like windy stuff; wherefore you must kiss, hug, and embrace her, telling how dearly you love her; and then fall to somewhat else: She may put you off at first with aPish, aFye, orPray be civil; yet be so far from denying, that if you proceed not on vigorously, she will prompt you herself, to try what mettle you are made of; if dull, she will make you the Subject of her private nay and publick laughter and scorn. But be very cautious of procreation, which you may prevent several ways. Now to tell you what manner of persons we are; that are confederates; there are few among us but what are of several Trades selected, asLinnen Drapers,Mercers,Woollen Drapers,Silkmen,Hosiers,Haberdashers,Merchants,Grocers,Goldsmiths,Jewellers,Ribband-sellers,Exchange-men, to which add aDrawerand anOyl-man, the one to furnish us with good Liquor, and the other to prepare our pallates for it. A great many Trades there are which signifie nothing in our Commonwealth asPewtrers,Braziers,Plummers,&c., we are only for such as will profit the body, please the Pallate & fill the Pocket. Every one brings his several Commodities at the place of meeting, then do we exchange or barter one with another for what each respective person wants; either to supply his own occasion, or his Mistress: for it is to be supposed such a thing must be had; when procured, must be maintained, though to the definition of our Masters Estates, and mine of our bodily health. Further he added, that our Masters might not detect us in the purloining his goods, you must not (said he) take too much of one sort of Commodity.

All this I liked wonderfully well, and promised to meet that day seven night at the place appointed; and so we parted. Coming home, I immediately put these prescriptions into practice; first; taking notice of what Goods we had greatest quantity; and whatsoever Commodity my Master forgot he had: I always secured it as mine own: nay, sometimes I would try him;There was such a person enquiring for such a thing to day when you were abroad, but I could not find it: it may be he would say,We had it not; suiting my design according to desire. Having taken a thorrow view of the Shop and Ware house, I saw so many ways of advantage, if assisted by a cleanly conveyance, that I could snip as well as the most forward of them all.

The next thing I had to do, was to endear myself to the chief maid, who was one of those that lay covertly to see me wash myself in the Tub; and as she confest since, took an affection to me from that hour. It required no long time to court her into a compliance; her Complexion or Temperament, forcing her acceptance of anything amorously inclined. The colour of her hair inclined to Red, which colour (though I know not for what reason) I love above any: This may be partly the reason, because as that Complexion hath alwayes the concomitant of a very white skin, so it hath two inseperable Companions, Plumpness and Bucksomness: Her skin as the usual attendant of Red or Flaxenish hair, (as I said) was as white as whiteness it self: Her Cheeks naturally painted withVermilion; plump were her Cheeks and Lips, with a mole thereon, and a dimple in her Chin, as the infallible marks of one that is willing to dedicate herself to the service ofVenus.

Having a fit opportunity, after some amorous discourse, I desired her she would grant me leave that night to talk with her in private, having business of importance to impart to her: She condescended to my proposition. As soon as our Master and Mistress were gone to take their rest, her impatience to hear what I would say, made her soon send the rest to bed. The house being thus cleared, and all things silent as the Air, when Winds into their hollow grots repair, I acquainted her with the greatness of my affection, which I delivered with all the Rhetorick I could invent, still touching that String which produced Loves harmonious concord; So fervent I was in my expressions, and so ardent and hot in my desires, that I soon melted the conjealed iceness of her Chastity: But first there were mutual Articles reciprocally drawn and agreed unto,viz.

That if she proved with child, I should marry her.

ThatIshould devote my self to her service, and nones else.

That we should both endeavour to make use of all opportunities for the enjoyment of each other.

That to prevent discovery, we should often fall out before people, that without suspition in private we might agree the better; throwing oftentimes bones at my head when sitting at Dinner, because suspition should not deprive her of the Grissel.So great was our seeming feud sometimes, that our master was called in to part us.

After this I gave her plenary instructions as to my affairs, which she faithfully and punctually promised to observe. Then did I put my hand to the instrument, and sealed the Articles with two witnesses.

The night was come wherein I was to meet according to promise. I acquainted myAmorettawith my intention of going out at twelve a clock; and that my Master might not in the least suspect me, I went to bed, but arose again at the hour promised. The first time I would not carry any Commodities with me, resolving to see first what they did. Being come to the house, I was introduced by my NeighbourThomasinto a private back-room, among the associated Brethren. I was much amazed to see such variety of Wares lie upon a long Table, as Silks, Stuffs, Cloth, Linnen and Woollen, Stockings, Ribbands, Muffs, Hoods, Scarfs, and the like. Some of them came to me, and welcomed me as a Brother, drinking to me in a Beer-bowl of Sack and Sugar.

Most of the Company being met, they truckt with each other according to their convenience, furnishing themselves with what they either stood in need of themselves or their friends. Several things were offered me; I told them I had brought nothing to retalliate in lieu: They told me my Credit was good, which is the Soul of Commerce; telling me they should have occasion to make use of me in the like nature another time. I took with me only such things as might be proper to bestow at home, on whom I had lately engaged my affections; which I presented her with, accompanied with many expressions and protestations of a never-dying affection. She accepted of my kindness with much gratitude, but thought she could not fully remunerate me without a re-admission into her private and then particular savours, I could easily discern her inclinations by griping of my hand, kissing as if she would devour me, the palpitation of her heart, and her inflamed eyes. I ran parallel with her in the same desires, so that with much facility we two clapt up a bargain. After which; I would have betaken my self to my rest in my own bed, but that was displeasing to her, I perceived nothing would content her, but that we should be bed-fellows. I soon assented to it, though to the hazard of both our credits and fortunes. I desired her to go up first, telling her I would follow instantly after. By that time I thought she was in bed, up marcht I the stairs, which creackt as if they had conspired a discovery; Coming up to the highest stair, I raised my foot (being fearful of making any noise) thinking there had been another, it descended with such precipitation, that I made the house eccho. The Chamber wherein my Master and Mistress lay, (the maid lying in a Trundle bed underneath them) was right against this Stair-head. My Master had taken a dose more then ordinary of Sack, so that this noise awaked him not: my mistress at the first hearing thereof, imagined Thieves had broken into the house; she endeavoured to wake her Husband, by stirring him, but could not, therefore thought it the best way to lie still, expecting the event. In the mean time I layper due, stirring not till I imagined my Mistress asleep again. The maid, concluding I durst not adventure further by reason of this unfortunate accident, fell immediately into a profound sleep. Finding (after a considerable time) all things still and quiet, I entred the Chamber, dark as Hell, and in a low voice, groaping the contrary way, I cried,Where art?Here, here, said my Mistress, in a whispering tone: minding from whence the sound came as near as I could, I directed my foot-steps to that place: The same words being repeated, conveyed me exactly to that side of the bed whereon my Mistress lay. Taking her about the neck, I kist her a thousand times: using then all the alluring and loving expressions I could invent: not perceiving my mistake, I made all the haste I could (and all too little) to undress my self; which was done in an instant: Opening the Cloths to come to bed,Hold, said my Mistress,I have a Bed fellow already; what I have suffered you to do, was only as a tryal to understand what you intended. Get you gone to your own bed for this night, and I shall talk with you farther to morrow.I durst not reply, not daring to stay longer, but betook my self to my own Chamber, possest with fear and shame, I nothing but tost and tumbled all that night, taking not the least rest.

In the morning early I was up, shewing my self more than ordinary diligent. But, Lord, what a confusion I was in, when I saw my Mistress come into the Shop? I made an hundred pretences to stoop behind the Counter, and rectifie disordered Wares: So busie I was with my back towards her, that she could not have so much as a sight of me. At length she comes up close to me, and turning me about, said,Indeed you take too much pains, you are too laborious; fair and softly; there is a great while to night yet: desist a little, I must have a word with you. Hearing this, I presumed to look in her face, and was overjoyed; for from thence I received a most alluring smile, instead of a killing frown. This re-armed me with confidence, compelling from me these expressions:

Most respectful Mistress, I do with shame confess my self in a great error: but if you will consider that the cause thereof was irresistable; I hope you will in some measure mitigate my crime. My very youthfulness speaks my Apology. You cannot be ignorant of the fervent heat of young blood, which sometimes boyls beyond its bounds. Besides the temperature of my body, (being of a Sanguine complexion) did add much fuel to that fire.

She admired to hear me speak in such a Dialect; but laying aside her wonder, she bid me tell her the whole truth, and what Contract we had concluded. I equivocated in my relation, intending to excuse the maids forwardness, and that I only designed to surprize her unawares. This Sophistry of mine did not in the least prevent my Mistresses prying wit, and quick understanding, from searching out the truth, tracing every meander, finding it out at last, though involved in a labyrinth of obscurities. She told me plainly she knew all, though I endeavoured to conceal it, anddesiredme, in stead of commands, to withdraw my affectionate thoughts from her, since her resolution was to divorce our persons. Adding moreover, that if I was so amorously inclined, as not content without a Female Object to exercise my passion on, I should elect such a one, whose merit grounded on Beauty, Birth, Wealth, and Power, should command my love, and finally eternize my terrestrial happiness, and so vanisht from me, leaving my cogitations to their operations.

Forty five years had not totally destroyed her beauty, but there was still remaining the ruines of a good face: Her Birth, though from a high extraction, had little influence over me, had not her Wealth (which she had at her own disposal) whispered in my ear more than a common felicity. Her last words left a deep impression on my imagination, which were not so enigmatically delivered, but that I could easily interpret them advantageously enough to my purpose. I resolved within my self to acquiesce, leaving this affair to time to bring it to perfection.

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