FOOTNOTES:[1]The "shell" is the lowest class.
[1]The "shell" is the lowest class.
[1]The "shell" is the lowest class.
THE POLITICAL EDUCATION OF MR. BALDWIN
If Hickey had not been woefully weak in mathematics the famous Fed. and anti-Fed. riots would probably never have happened. But as revolutions turn on minor axes, Hickey, who could follow a football like a hound, could not for the life of him trace X, the unknown factor, through the hedges of the simplest equation.
It was, therefore, with feelings of the acutest interest that he waited, in the upper corridor of Memorial Hall, on the opening morning of the spring term, for the appearance of Mr. Baldwin, the new recruit to the mathematics department. The Hallwas choked with old boys chattering over the doings of the Easter vacation, calling back and forth, punching one another affectionately or critically examining the returning stragglers.
"His name is Ernest Garrison Baldwin," said the Gutter Pup. "Just graduated, full of honours and that sort of thing."
"He ought to be easy," said Crazy Opdyke, hopefully.
"These mathematical sharks are always fancy markers," interposed Macnooder.
"If I'm stuck in the first row," said the Egghead gloomily, "it's all up—I never could do anything with figures."
"If we want short lessons," said Hickey, waking out of his reverie, "we've all got to flunk in the beginning."
At this Machiavellian analysis there was a chorus of assent.
"Sure."
"Hickey's the boy!"
"Red Dog and Poler Fox have got to be kept down."
"We're not pack-horses."
"Say, is he green?"
"Sure—never taught before."
"Cheese it—he's coming."
The group stood aside, intent on the arrival of the new adversary. They saw a stiff young man, already bald, with a set, affable manner and a pervading smile of cordiality, who entered the classroom with a confident step, after a nodded:
"Ah, boys—good-morning."
The class filed in, eyeing the natural enemy closely for the first indications of value to aid them in the approaching conflicts.
"He's awfully serious," said the Egghead to his neighbour.
"He'll try to drive us," replied Macnooder, with instinctive resentment.
Hickey said nothing, absorbed in contemplation of a momentous question—how would the new master hear recitations? To solve a master's system is to be prepared in advance, and with the exception of the Roman's there was not a system which he had not solved. Popular masters, like Pa Dater, called you up every third day, which is eminently just and conducive to a high standard of scholarship. The Muffin Head, in stealthy craftiness, had a way of calling you up twice in succession after you hadflunked and were expecting a brief period of immunity; but this system once solved gave ample opportunity to redeem yourself. The Doctor, wiser than the rest, wrote each name on a card, shuffled the pack and called for a recitation according to chance—but even the Doctor left the pack on his desk, nor counted the cards as all careful players should. Other masters, like Tapping and Baronson, trusted to their intuitions, seizing upon the boy whose countenance betrayed a lurking apprehension. Hickey took kindly to this method and had thrived amazingly, by sudden flagrant inattentions or noticeable gazing out of the windows, which invariably procured him a staccato summons to recite just as the recitation neared the limited portion he had studied.
So Hickey sat, examining Mr. Baldwin, and speculating into which classification he would fall.
"Now, boys," said Mr. Baldwin, with an expanding smile, "we're beginning the new term. I hope you'll like me—I know I shall like you. I'm quite a boy myself—quite a boy, you know. Now I'm going ahead on a new principle. I'm going to assume that you all take an interest in your work [the class sat up]. I'm going to assume that you look upon life with seriousness and purpose. I'm going to assumethat you realise the sacrifices your parents are making to afford you an education. I'm not here as a taskmaster. I'm here to help you, as your friend, as your companion—as an older brother—that's it, as an older brother. I hope our interest in one another will not be limited to this classroom."
Hickey and the Egghead, who had prominently installed themselves in the front seats, led the applause with serious, responsive faces. Mr. Baldwin acknowledged it, noticing pleasantly the leaders of the demonstration.
Then he rapped for order and began to call the roll, seating the boys alphabetically. He ran rapidly through the F's, the G's and H's and, pausing, inquired:
"Are there any J's in the class?"
At this excruciatingly witty remark, which every master annually blunders upon, the waiting class roared in unison, while Hinsdale was forced to slap Hickey mercilessly on the back to save him from violent hysterics.
Mr. Baldwin, who suddenly perceived he had made a pun, hastily assumed a roguish expression and allowed a considerable moment for the laughter to die away. The session ended in a gale of cordiality.
Hickey and the Egghead paid a visit that afternoon to the Griswold, to make the new arrival feel quite at home.
"Ah, boys," said Mr. Baldwin, with a wringing hand-shake, "this is very friendly of you, very friendly."
"Mr. Baldwin," said Hickey seriously, "we were very much interested in what you said to us this morning."
"Indeed," said Baldwin, gratified. "Well, that pleases me very much. And I am glad to see that you take me at my word, and I hope you will drop in often. There are lots of things I want to talk over with you."
"Yes, sir," said the Egghead. "It's very kind of you."
"Not at all," said Baldwin, with a wave of his hand. "My theory is that a master should be your companion, and I have one or two ideas about education I am anxious to have my boys interested in. Now, for instance, take politics; what do you know about politics?"
"Why, nothing," said Hickey in acquiescent surprise.
"And yet that is the most vital thing you willhave to face as men. Here's a great national election approaching, and yet, I am certain not one in four hundred of you has any clear conception of the political system."
"That's so, Egghead," said Hickey, nodding impressively at his companion. "Itisso."
"I have a scheme I'm going to talk over with you," continued Baldwin, "and I want your advice. Sit down; make yourselves comfortable."
Later in the afternoon Mr. Baronson, Baldwin's superior in the Griswold, dropped in with a friendly inquiry. Young Mr. Baldwin was gazing out of the window in indulgent amusement. Mr. Baronson, following his gaze, beheld, in the far campus, Hickey and Egghead rolling over each other like two trick bears.
"Well, Baldwin, how goes it?" said Baronson genially.
"Splendidly. The boys are more than friendly. We shall get on famously."
"'Danaos timeo et dona ferentes,'" said Baronson shrewdly.
"Oh——" Baldwin objected.
"Yes, yes—I'm an old fogy—old style," said Baronson, cutting in, "but it's based on good scientificresearches, Baldwin. I just dropped in for a hint or two, which you won't pay attention to—never mind. When you've lived with the young human animal as long as I have, you won't have any illusions. He doesn't want to be enlightened. He hasn't the slightest desire to be educated. He isn't educated. He never will be. His memory simplydetainsfor a short while, a larger and larger number of facts—Latin, Greek, history, mathematics, it's all the same—facts, nothing but facts. He remembers when he is compelled to, but he is supremely bored by the performance. All he wants is to grow, to play and to get into sufficient mischief. My dear fellow, treat him as a splendid young savage, who breaks a rule for the joy of matching his wits against yours, and don't take him seriously, as you are in danger of doing. Don't let him take you seriously or he will lead you to a cropper."
Ernest Garrison Baldwin did not deign to reply—the voice of the older generation, of course! He was of the new, he would replace old prejudices with new methods. There were a great many things in the world he intended to change—among others this whole antagonistic spirit of education. So he remained silent, and looked very dignified.
Baronson studied him, saw the workings of his mind, and smiled.
"Never were at boarding-school, were you?" he asked.
"No," said Baldwin, drily.
Baronson gave a glance at the study, remarked the advanced note in the shelves, and went to the door.
"After all," he said, with his hand on the knob, "the first year, Baldwin, we learn more than we teach."
"Gee! I think it's an awful bore," said the Gutter Pup.
"I don't see it either," said the Egghead.
"Who started it?" asked Turkey Reiter.
"Hickey and Elder Brother Baldwin," said the Egghead. "Hickey's improving his stand."
"Hickey, boy," said Butcher Stevens, professionally, "you're consorting with awful low company."
"Hickey, you are getting to be a greasy grind," said the Gutter Pup.
"I am, am I," said Hickey indignantly. "I'd like to know if I'm not a patriot. I'd like to know if I'm not responsible for the atmosphere of brotherly love and the dove of peace that floats around Baldwin'sclassroom. I'd like to know if I'm not responsible for his calling us up alphabetically, regular order, every other day, no suspicion, perfect trust—mutual confidence. Am I right?"
"You are right, Hickey, you are right," said Turkey apologetically. "The binomial theorem is a delight and a joy, when, as you say, the master has mutual trust in the scholar. But where in blazes, Hickey, did you get this political shindy into your thinker?"
"It's Elder Brother's theory of education," said Hickey carefully, "oneof his theories. Elder Brother is very much distressed at the ignorance, the political ignorance, of the modern boy. Brother is right."
"Come off," said the Egghead, glancing at him suspiciously, but Hickey maintained a serious face.
"What's up?" said Macnooder, sauntering over to the crowd on the lawn.
"Hickey's fixed up a plan with Brotherly Love to have a political campaign," said the Gutter Pup, "and is trying to rouse our enthusiasm."
"A campaign here in the school, in the Lawrenceville School, John C. Green Foundation!" said Macnooder incredulously.
"The same!"
"No? I won't believe it. It's a dream—it's a beautiful, satisfying dream," said Macnooder, shaking his head. "A political campaign in school; Hickey, my bounding boy, I see your cunning hand!"
"Now Doc's gone nutty," said the unimaginative Egghead. "What the deuce do you see in it?"
"Hickey, you old, rambunctious, foxy, prodigious Hickey, I knew something was brewing," said Doc, not deigning to notice the Egghead. "You have been quiet, most quiet of late. Hickey, how did you do it?"
"Sympathy, Doc," said Hickey blandly. "I've been most sympathetic with Elder Brother, sympathetic and most encouraging. Sympathy is a beautiful thing, Doc, beautiful and rare."
"Hickey, don't torture me with curiosity," said Doc. "Where are we at?"
"At the present moment, Brother is asking the Doctor for permission to launch the campaign, and the sympathetic, popular and serious Hickey Hicks is proceeding to select a preliminary conference committee."
"And what then?" said Turkey, with sudden interest.
"What then?" said Hickey. "Bonfires, parades, stump speeches, proclamations, et cetera, et ceteray."
"Oh, Hickey," said the now enthusiastic Gutter Pup, "do you think the Doctor ever will permit it?"
"What's the use of getting excited?" said the Egghead contemptuously. "You don't fancy for a moment, do you, there's a chance of fooling the Doctor?"
"Sure, Egghead's right," said Butcher Stevens; "you won't get the Doctor to bite. Baldwin is green, but the Doctor is quite ripe, thank you!"
Even Macnooder looked dubiously at Hickey, who assumed an air of superhuman wisdom and answered:
"I have two chances, Baldwin and the Decoy Ducks!"
"The what?"
"Decoy Ducks; the committee that will confer to-morrow afternoon with the Doctor."
Turkey emitted a long, admiring whistle.
"I have given the matter thought—serious thought, as Baldwin would say," said Hickey. "The following collection of Archangels and young High Markers will be rounded up for the Doctor's inspection to-morrow."
"As Decoy Ducks?"
"As Decoy Ducks, you intelligent Turkey. High Markers: Red Dog, Poler Fox, Biddy Hampton and Ginger Pop Rooker, Wash Simmons—the Doctor would feed out of Wash's hand—Crazy Opdyke—he reads Greek like Jules Verne. Everything must be done to make this a strictly ed-u-cational affair. Now to demonstrate that it has the sanction of the religious element of this community the following notorious and flagrant Archangels will qualify: Halo Brown, Pink Rabbit, Parson Eddy, the Saphead and the Coffee Cooler—the Doctor is real affectionate with the Coffee Cooler."
"What a beoo-ti-ful bunch!" said the Gutter Pup rapturously.
"It is," said Hickey, proudly; "the Doctor would let any one of them correct his own examination papers and raise the mark afterward on the ground of overconscientiousness."
"Well, where's the fun?" said the Egghead obstinately. "If Crazy Opdyke and that bunch is to run the campaign, where do we come in?"
"There will be a small preliminary representation of professional politicians," said Hickey, smiling, "very small at present, limited to the handsome and popular Hickey Hicks, who will represent the largebody of professional politicians who will be detained at home by hard work and serious application, but——"
"But what?" said Macnooder.
"But who will find time to ac-tively assist this quiet, orderly campaign of education,aftertheir presence will not be misunderstood!"
At half-past one the next day, the Doctor, sympathetically inclined by the enthusiastic, if inexperienced, Mr. Baldwin, received the Decoy Ducks in his study at Foundation House.
The Doctor, while interested, had not been convinced, and had expressed a desire to know into whose guidance the nurturing of such a tender plant had been intrusted. As the impressive gathering defiled before him, his instinctive caution vanished, his glance warmed with satisfaction, and assuming the genial and conversational attitude he reserved for his favourites, he began:
"Well, boys, this appears to be a responsible gathering, an unusually responsible one. It is gratifying to see you approaching such subjects with serious purpose and earnestness. It is gratifying that the leaders of this school" (here his glance rested fondlyon Wash Simmons, Crazy Opdyke and the Coffee Cooler, prominently placed) "that the earnest, purposeful boys show this interest in the political welfare of the nation. Mr. Baldwin's plan seems to me to be a most excellent one. I am in hearty accord with its motive. We cannot begin too soon to interest the youth, the intelligent, serious youth of our country in honest government and clean political methods." (Hickey, in noble effacement by the window-seat, here gazed dreamily over the campus to the red circle of houses.) "Much can be accomplished from the earnest and purposeful pursuit of this instructive experiment. The experiment should be educational in the largest sense; the more I study it the more worthy it appears. I should not be surprised if your experiment should attract the consideration of the educational world. Mr. Baldwin, it gives me pleasure to express to you my thanks and my gratification for the authorship of so worthy an undertaking. I will leave you to a discussion of the necessary details."
"Well, boys," said Baldwin briskly, "let me briefly outline the plan agreed upon. The election shall be for a school council, before which legislation affecting the interests of the school shall come. Each of the four forms shall elect two representatives, eachof the ten houses shall elect one representative, making a deliberative body of eighteen. In view of the fact that the approaching national election might inject unnecessary bitterness if the election should be on national issues, we have decided, on the very excellent suggestion of Hicks, who has indeed given many valuable suggestions" (Hickey looked preternaturally solemn), "to have the election on a matter of school policy, and have settled upon the athletic finances as an issue of sufficient interest and yet one that can be calmly and orderly discussed. At present, the management of the athletic finances is in the hands of selected officers from the fourth form. The issue, then, is whether this method shall be continued or whether a member of the faculty shall administer the finances. I should suggest Federalists and Anti-Federalists as names for the parties you will form. One week will be given to campaigning and the election will take place according to the Australian ballot system. Now, boys, I wish you success. You will acquire a taste for public combat and a facility in the necessary art of politics that will nurture in you a desire to enter public life, to take your part in the fight for honest politics, clean methods, independent thinking, and will make you foesof intimidation, bribery, cheating and that demagoguery that is the despair of our present system. At present you may be indifferent, a little bored, perhaps, at this experiment, but you will like it—I am sure you will like it. I prophesy it will interest you once you get started."
Hickey lingered after the meeting to explain that the duties incident to the organising of such an important undertaking had unfortunately deprived him of the time necessary to prepare his advanced algebra.
"Well, that is a little matter we'll overlook, Hicks," said the enthusiast genially. "I congratulate you on your selection, an admirable committee, one that inspires confidence. Keep me in touch with developments and call on me for advice at any time."
"Yes, indeed, sir."
"Good luck."
"Thank you, sir."
A half hour later Hickey announced the addition of the following professional politicians: Tough McCarthy, Doc Macnooder, The Triumphant Egghead, Slugger Jones, Turkey Reiter, Cheyenne Baxter, Jock Hasbrouck, Butcher Stevens, Rock Bemis and Bat Greer.
The reinforced committee then met, divided equitably, and having tossed for sides, announced their organisation, as follows:
FEDERALIST PARTYChairman:The Hon. Tough McCarthyVice-Chairman:The Hon. Ginger Pop RookerANTI-FEDERALIST PARTYChairman:Hon. Cheyenne BaxterVice-Chairman:Hon. Hickey Hicks
The school was at first apathetic, then mildly interested. The scheme was examined with suspicion as perhaps being a veiled attempt of the faculty to increase the already outrageous taxes on the mind. It looked prosy enough at first glance—perhaps an attempt to revive the interest in debating and so to be fiercely resisted.
For an hour the great campaign for political education hung fire and then suddenly it began to catch on. A few leading imaginations had seen the latent possibilities. In another hour apathy had disappeared and every house was discussing the momentous question whether to go Fed or Anti-Fed.
The executive committee of the Federalist party met immediately, on a call from the HonourableCheyenne Baxter, in the Triumphant Egghead's rooms for organisation and conference.
"We've got the short end of it, all right, all right," said Butcher Stevens gloomily. "The idea of our standing up for the faculty."
"That's right, Cheyenne," said Turkey, shaking his head. "We'll be left high and dry."
"We won't carry any house outside the Dickinson and the Woodhull," said Slugger Jones.
"I'd like to make a suggestion," said Crazy Opdyke.
"We've got to plan two campaigns," said Cheyenne, "one for the election from the forms and one for the control of the houses. Let's take up the forms—the fourth form will go solidly against us."
"Sure," said Doc Macnooder, "because if we win they lose control of the finances."
"I have a suggestion," said Crazy Opdyke for the second time.
"Now," said Cheyenne, "we've got to make this a matter of the school against the fourth form, and it oughtn't to be so hard, either. Now, how're we going to do it? First, what have we got?"
"The Dickinson and the Woodhull," said Hickey.
"Yes, we can be sure of those, but that's all.Now, those Feds, with Jock Hasbrouck and Tough McCarthy, will swing the Kennedy and the Griswold."
"The Davis House will be against us," said Macnooder, with conviction. "They're just aching to get back at the Dickinson."
"That's so," said Turkey. "They're still sore because we won the football championship."
"The Davis will pull the Rouse House with it," said Hickey gloomily. "They're forty in the Davis and only twelve in the Rouse. The Davis would mangle them if they ever dared go our way."
"We've got to counteract that by getting the Green," said Cheyenne. "They're only ten there, but it makes a vote. The fight'll be in the Hamill and the Cleve."
"The Cleve is sore on us," said Turkey of the Dickinson, "because we swiped the ice cream last year for their commencement dinner."
"I've got an idea," said Crazy Opdyke, trying to be heard.
"Shut up, Crazy," said Doc. "You've served your purpose; you're a Decoy Duck and nothing else."
"Harmony!" said Cheyenne warningly. "Theway to get the Green is to give Butsey White, down there, the nomination from the second form, if he'll swing the house."
"And put up Bronc Andrews in the Hamill," added Macnooder.
"Where do I come in?" said Crazy Opdyke, who had aspirations.
"You subordinate yourself to the success of your party," said Cheyenne.
"The devil I do," said Opdyke. "If you think I'm a negro delegate, you've got another thing coming. I may be a Decoy Duck, but either I'm made chairman of a Finance Committee or I lead a bolt right out of this convention."
"A Finance Committee?" said Butcher Stevens, mystified.
"Sure," said Cheyenne Baxter. "That's most important."
"I'll take that myself, then," said Macnooder aggressively. "I'd like to know what claim Crazy's got to a position of trust and responsibility."
"Claim or no claim," said Opdyke, pulling his hat over his eyes and tilting back, "either I handle the funds of this here campaign or the Anti-Federalist party begins to split."
"Shall a half-plucked rooster from the Cleve House hold up this convention?" said Wash Simmons militantly. "If we're going to be black-jacked by every squid that comes down the road,I'mgoing to get out."
"I have spoken," said Crazy.
"So have I."
"Gentlemen, gentlemen," protested the Honourable Cheyenne Baxter, "we must have harmony."
"Rats!" said Opdyke. "I demand a vote."
"I insist upon it," said Wash.
The vote was taken and Macnooder was declared chairman of the Finance Committee. Crazy Opdyke arose and made them a profound bow.
"Gentlemen, I have the honour of bidding you farewell," he said, loftily. "The voice of freedom has been stifled. This great party is in the hands of commercial interests and private privilege. This is nothing but a Dickinson House sinecure. I retire, I withdraw, I shake the dust from my feet. I depart, but I shall not sleep, I shall not rest, I shall neither forget nor forgive. Remember, gentlemen of the Anti-Federalist party, this hour, and when in the stillness of the night you hear the swish of the poisoned arrow, the swirl of the tomahawk, the thudof the secret stone, pause and say to yourself, 'Crazy Opdyke done it!'"
"It is unfortunate," said Cheyenne, when Crazy had departed, "most unfortunate, but that's politics."
"Crazy has no influence," said Wash, contemptuously.
"He has our secrets," said Cheyenne gloomily.
"Let's get to work," said Macnooder. "You can bet Tough McCarthy's on the job; his father's an alderman."
At six o'clock the campaign was off with a rush. At seven the head master, all unsuspecting, stepped out from Foundation House, cast one fond glance at the familiar school, reposing peacefully in the twilight, and departed to carry the message of increased liberty in primary education to a waiting conference at Boston. Shortly after, a delegation of the school faculty, who had just learned of the prospective campaign, hurried over in amazed, indignant and incredulous protest. They missed the head master by ten minutes—but ten minutes make history.
"Jiminy crickets!"
"Suffering Moses!"
"Call Hickey!"
"Tell Hickey!"
"Hickey, stick your head out of the window!"
Hickey, slumbering peacefully, in that choicest period between the rising bell and breakfast, leaped to the middle of the floor at the uproar that suddenly resounded through the Dickinson.
He thrust his head out of the window and beheld from the upper stories of the Griswold an immense white sheet sagging in the breeze, displaying in crude red-flannel letters the following device:
NO APRON-STRINGS FOR USTHE FEDERAL PARTYWILL FIGHT TO THE ENDFACULTY USURPATION
Hardly had his blinking eyes become accustomed to the sight when a fresh uproar broke out on the other side of the Dickinson.
"Hully Gee!"
"Look at the Kennedy!"
"Great cats and little kittens!"
"Snakes alive!"
"Look at the Kennedy, will you!"
"Hickey, oh you, Hickey!"
At the sound of Macnooder's voice in distress, Hickey realised the situation was serious and rushed across the hall. He found Macnooder with stern and belligerent gaze fixed out of the window. From the Kennedy House another banner insolently displayed this amazing proclamation:
DOWN WITH THE GOO-GOOSLAWRENCEVILLE SHALL NOT BEA KINDERGARTEN.RALLY TO THE FEDERALISTS ANDDOWN THE DICKINSON GOO-GOOS
Hickey looked at Macnooder. Macnooder looked at Hickey.
"Goo-Goo," said Hickey, grieved.
"Goo-Goo," repeated Doc sadly. "Goo-Goo and Apron-strings. Hickey, my boy, we have got to be up and doing."
"Doc," said Hickey, "that's Tough McCarthy's work. We never ought to have let him get away from us."
"Hickey, we must nail the lie," said Doc solemnly.
"The Executive Committee of the Anti-Fed party will meet in my rooms," said Hickey determinedly,"directly after first recitation. We have been caught napping by a gang of ballot stuffers, but we will come back—Doc, wewillcome back!"
The Executive Committee met with stern and angry resolve, like battling football players between the halves of a desperate game.
"Fellows," said Hickey, "while we have slept the enemy has been busy. We are muts, and the original pie-faced mut is yours truly."
"No, Hickey, if there's going to be a competition for muts," said Cheyenne Baxter, "I'm the blue ribbon."
"Before we bestow any more bouquets," said Macnooder sarcastically, "let's examine the situation. Let's see the worst. The Feds have the jump on us. They've raised the cry of 'Apron-strings' on us, and it's going to be a mighty hard one to meet."
"We'll never answer it," said the gloomy Egghead; "we're beaten now. It's a rotten issue and a rotten game."
At this moment the Gutter Pup rushed in like a white fuzzy dog, his eyes bulging with importance as he delivered the bombshell, that Crazy Opdyke had organised a Mugwump party and carried the Cleve House for it.
"No."
"A Mugwump party!"
"What the deuce is he up to?"
"Order," said Hickey, stilling the tumult with a shoe vigorously applied to a wash-basin. "This meeting is not a bunch of undertakers. We are here to save the party."
"Hickey's right," said Turkey; "let's get down to business."
"First," said Hickey, "let's have reports. What has Treasurer Macnooder to report?"
The Mark Hanna of the campaign rose, tightened his belt, adjusted his glasses, and announced amid cheers that the Finance Committee had to report sixty-two dollars and forty cents in promissory notes, twelve dollars and thirty-eight cents in cash, three tennis rackets, two jerseys, one dozen caps, a bull's-eye lantern (loaned) and a Flobert rifle.
"We can always have a banquet, even if we're beaten," said the Triumphant Egghead. The gloom began to dissipate.
"What has the Honourable Gutter Pup to report?" said Cheyenne Baxter.
The Rocky Mountain Gazelle proudly announced the establishment of a thorough system of espionage,through the corrupting of Mr. Klondike Jackson, the coloured gentleman who waited on the table at the Kennedy, and Mr. Alcibiades Bonaparte, who shook up the beds at the Griswold. He likewise reported that young Muskrat Foster, who was not overpopular at the Davis House, had perceived the great truths of Anti-Federalism. He then presented a bill of two dollars and forty-five cents for the corrupting of the Messrs. Jackson and Bonaparte, with an addition of fifty cents for the further contaminating of young Muskrat Foster.
"The Honourable Wash Simmons will report," said Cheyenne Baxter.
"Fellows," said Wash, "I ain't no silver-tongued orator, and all I've got to say is that Butsey White, down at the Green House, is most sensible to the honour of representing this great and glorious party of moral ideas, as congressman from the second form, but——"
"But what?" said Slugger Jones.
"But he kind of fears that the other members of the Green House aren't quite up on Anti-Federalism, and he reckons it will take quite a little literature to educate them."
"Literature?" said Cheyenne, mystified.
"About eight volumes," said Wash. "Eight green-backed pieces ofliterature!"
"The robber!"
"Why, that's corruption."
"Gentlemen," said Cheyenne, rapping for order, "the question is, does he get the literature? Ayes or noes."
"I protest," interrupted Hickey. "Remember, gents, this is a campaign for clean politics. We will not buy votes, no! we will only encourage local enterprises. The Green is trying to fit themselves out for the baseball season. I suggest contributing toward a catcher's mit and a mask, and letting it go at that."
On the announcement of a unanimous vote, the Honourable Wash Simmons departed to encourage local enterprises.
"And now, fellows," said Hickey, "we come to the serious proposition—the real business of the meeting. We have got to treat with Crazy Opdyke."
"Never!"
"Macnooder must sacrifice himself," said Hickey. "Am I right, Cheyenne?"
"You are," said Cheyenne. "The campaign hasreached a serious stage. The Upper, the Kennedy, the Griswold, the Davis, are already Fed; the Rouse will go next. Even if we get the Green, we're lost if the Cleve goes against us, and Crazy is just holding out to make terms."
"We have misjudged Crazy," said Hickey; "his record was against him, but we have misjudged him. He's been the only live one in the bunch. Now we've got to meet his terms."
The door opened and Crazy Opdyke sauntered in.
"Hello, fellows," he drawled. "How's the campaign going? Are you satisfied with your progress?" He stretched languidly into an armchair. "Am I still welcome in the home of great moral ideas?"
"Crazy, our feelings for you are both of sorrow and of affection," said Cheyenne, conciliatingly. "You certainly are a boss politician. What's this new wrinkle of yours over in the Cleve?"
"I've been amusing myself," said Crazy with a drawl, "organising the Mugwumps, the intelligent and independent vote, the balance of power, you know, the party that doesn't heel to any boss, but votes according to its, to its——"
"To its what, Crazy?" said Hickey, gently.
"To its conscience," replied Crazy firmly. "To its conscience, when its conscience is intelligently approached."
"Oh, you're for sale, are you?" said Turkey aggressively.
"No, Turkey, no-o-o! And yet we've organised the Blocks of Five Marching Club; rather significant, eh?"
"Well, what's your game; what have you come for?"
"Oh, just to be friendly," said Crazy, rising languidly.
"Stop," said Hickey. "Sit down. Let's have a few words."
Crazy slouched back, sunk into the armchair and assumed a listening position.
"Crazy," said Hickey, "we've made a mistake. We didn't know you. You are the surprise of the campaign. We apologise. We are merely amateurs; you are the only original, professional politician."
"This is very gratifying," said Crazy, without a blush.
"Crazy, from this moment," said Hickey, firmly, "you are the treasurer of the Campaign Committee,and we're listening for any words of wisdom you have ready to uncork."
"No, Hickey, no," said Crazy, rising amid general dismay, "I no longer hanker to be a treasurer. It was just a passing fancy. Independence is better and more profitable; I appreciate your kind offer, I do appreciate it, Hickey, but I'm a Mugwump; I couldn't wear a dog-collar, I couldn't!"
"Sit down again, Crazy," said Hickey, persuasively; "sit down. It's a pleasure to talk with you. You're right; your independent and intelligent nature would be thrown away in a matter of books and figures. We've been looking round for a fearless, upright, popular and eloquent figure to stand for the Cleve, and, Crazy, we're just aching to have you step up into the frame."
"Hickey, you mistake me, you mistake me and my motives," said Crazy, sadly. "My soul does not hanker for personal glorification or the flattery of the multitude. I'm a child of nature, Hickey, and my ambitions are few and simple."
"It's right to have ambitions, Crazy," said Hickey, soothingly, "and they don't need to be few or simple. We regret that we cannot honour your eminent qualities as we wish to, but we still havehopes, Crazy, that we may have the benefit of your guiding hand."
"Guiding hand?" said Crazy, looking at the ceiling.
"Exactly," said Hickey, magnanimously; "in fact, I realise how unworthy I am to fill the great position of trust and responsibility of vice-chairman of this committee, and I long to see it in the hands——"
"I thought you said guiding hand," said Crazy, interrupting.
The assembled committee looked in amazement at Crazy. Then the storm broke out.
"Why, you insolent, impudent pup!"
"Do you think we'll make you chairman?"
"Kick him out!"
"Rough-house!"
"Order!" cried Cheyenne. "Crazy, out with it. You want to be chairman, don't you?"
"Have I made any demands?" said Crazy, coolly.
"Come now—yes or no!"
"Are you handing it to me?"
A fresh storm of indignation was interrupted by the sudden tumultuous reappearance of Wash Simmons, shouting:
"Fellows, Butsey White and the Green have sold out to the Mugwumps!"
Crazy Opdyke sat down again.
A long silence succeeded. Then Cheyenne Baxter, mutely interrogating every glance, rose and said:
"Crazy, you win. The chairmanship is yours. Will you take it on a silver platter or with a bouquet of roses?"
That evening, when Hickey went to report to Ernest Garrison Baldwin, he found that civic reformer in a somewhat perturbed condition.
"I'm afraid, Hicks," he said dubiously, "that the campaign is getting a wrong emphasis. It seems to me that those Federalist banners are not only in questionable taste, but show a frivolous and trifling attitude toward this great opportunity."
"It's just the humour of the campaign, sir," said Hickey reassuringly; "I wouldn't take them seriously."
"Another thing, Hicks; I'm rather surprised that the management of the campaign does not seem to be in the hands of the very representative committee you originally selected."
"Yes, sir," said Hickey; "we realise that; but we're making a change in our party at least whichwill please you. Opdyke is going to take control."
"Indeed! That is reassuring; that is a guarantee on your side, at least, of a dignified, honourable canvass."
"Oh, yes, sir," said Hickey.
He left gravely and scampered across the campus. Suddenly from the Woodhull Toots Cortell's trumpet squeaked out. At the same moment the first Anti-Fed banner was flung out, thus conceived:
TURN THE ROBBERS OUTNO MORE GRAFTINGNO MORE GOUGING THE UNDER FORMERSFACULTY SUPERVISION MEANSSAVING TO THE POCKETOUT WITH THE BLACKMAILERS
The astute and professional hand of the Honourable Crazy Opdyke was felt at once. The Anti-Fed party, while still advocating faculty control of the athletic finances for purposes of efficiency and economy, now shifted the ground by a series of brilliant strokes.
The third day of the campaign had hardly opened when the four fusion houses displayed prominently the following proclamation:
ECONOMY AND JIGGERSFACULTY MANAGEMENT OF THE FINANCESMEANS RIGID ECONOMYPROTECTION OF THE WEAKFROM THE TYRANNY OF THE TAX GATHEREREQUITABLE PRO-RATALEVYING OF CONTRIBUTIONSECONOMY MEANS MORE JIGGERSMORE JIGGERS MEANSMORE HAPPINESS FOR THE GREATER NUMBERVOTE FOR THE FATTER POCKETBOOK
Hardly had this argument to the universal appetite been posted before the Feds retorted by posting a proclamation:
FACULTY PLOT
EVIDENCE IS PILING UP THAT THEPRESENT POLITICAL CAMPAIGN IS AHUGE FACULTY CONSPIRACY TO DEPRIVETHE SCHOOL OF ITS LIBERTIESBY UNDERGROUND DARK-LANTERNMETHODS, WHERE IT DOES NOT DARETO ATTEMPT IT OPENLYTHE APRON-STRINGS ARE IN POSSESSIONOF A GIGANTIC CORRUPTIONFUND WHO IS PUTTING UP?
When this attack became public the Anti-Feds were in deep deliberation, planning a descent on the Hamill House. The news of the outrageous chargewas borne to the conference by Hungry Smeed, with tears in his eyes.
"Crazy," said Doc, "we must meet the charge, now, at once."
There was a chorus of assent.
"We will," said Crazy, diving into his pocket and producing a wad of paper. "This is what I've had up my sleeve from the beginning. This is the greatest state paper ever conceived."
"Let's have it," said Hickey, and Crazy proudly read:
THE FULL PROGRAMME
The Campaign of Slander and Vilification Instituted by Tough McCarthy and His Myrmidons Will Not Deceive the Intelligent and Independent Voter. Anti-Federalist Candidates Only Are the Defendants of the Liberties of the School.Anti-Fed. Candidates Stand Solemnly Pledged to Work For Increased Privileges.
The Campaign of Slander and Vilification Instituted by Tough McCarthy and His Myrmidons Will Not Deceive the Intelligent and Independent Voter. Anti-Federalist Candidates Only Are the Defendants of the Liberties of the School.
Anti-Fed. Candidates Stand Solemnly Pledged to Work For Increased Privileges.
ACCESS TO THE JIGGER-SHOP AT ALL TIMESREMOVING THE LIMIT ON WEEKLY ALLOWANCESABOLITION OF THE HATEFUL COMPULSORYBATH SYSTEMBETTER FOOD MORE FOODREGULATION OF SINKERS AND SCRAG-BIRDSESTABLISHMENT OF TWO SLEIGHING HOLIDAYSCUSHIONED SEATS FOR CHAPEL
When this momentous declaration of principles was read there was an appalled silence, while Crazy, in the centre of the admiring circle, grew perceptibly.
Then a shriek burst out and Crazy was smothered in the arms of the regenerated Anti-Feds.
"Crazy will be President of the United States," said Turkey admiringly.
"Wonderful!"
"The bathroom plank will win us fifty votes."
"And what about the jigger vote?"
At this moment an egg passed rapidly through the open window and spread itself on the wall, while across the campus the figure of Mucker Reilly of the Kennedy was seen zigzagging for safety, with his thumb vulgarly applied to his nose.
The Executive Committee gazed at the wall, watching the yellow desecration gradually trickling into a map of South America.
"This means the end of argument," said Cheyenne sadly. "The campaign from now on will be bitter."
"If the appeal to force is going to be made," said Crazy, applying a towel, "we shall endeavour—Doc, shut the window—we shall endeavour to meet it."
"We have now a chance," said Egghead, brightening, "to prove that we are not Goo-Goos."
"Egghead, you are both intelligent and comforting," said Hickey. "The first thing is to corner the egg market."
"The Finance Committee," said Crazy wrathfully, "is empowered to buy, beg or borrow every egg, every squashy apple, every mushy tomato that can be detected and run down. From now on we shall wage a vigorous campaign."
The publication of the Anti-Fed programme roused the party cohorts to cheers and song. The panicky Feds strove desperately to turn the tide with the following warning:
HA! HA!IT WON'T DO!WE KNOW THE HAND!
Don't Be Deceived. Hickey is the Sheep in Wolf's Clothing. Stung to the Quick by Our Detection of the Criminal Alliance Between the Anti-Feds and the Faculty, Hickey, the King of the Goo-Goos, is Trying to Bleat Like a Wolf. It Won't Do! They Cannot Dodge the Issue. Stand Firm. Lawrenceville Must Not Be Made Into a Kindergarten.
Don't Be Deceived. Hickey is the Sheep in Wolf's Clothing. Stung to the Quick by Our Detection of the Criminal Alliance Between the Anti-Feds and the Faculty, Hickey, the King of the Goo-Goos, is Trying to Bleat Like a Wolf. It Won't Do! They Cannot Dodge the Issue. Stand Firm. Lawrenceville Must Not Be Made Into a Kindergarten.
But this could not stem the rising wave. The Hamill House turned its back on Federalism and threw in its lot with the foes of compulsory bath. Just before supper the Anti-Feds were roused to frenzy by the astounding news that the little Rouse House, isolated though it was from the rest of the school and under the very wing of the Davis, had declared Anti-Fed, for the love of combat that burned in its heroic band led by the redoubtable Charley De Soto and Scrapper Morrissey.
With the declaration of the different houses the first stage of the campaign ended. By supper every house was on a military footing and the dove of peace was hastening toward the horizon.
That night Mr. Baldwin waited in vain for the report of Hickey, waited and wondered. For the first time Baldwin, the enthusiast, began to be a little apprehensive of the forces he had unchained.
A little later Mr. Baronson chose to pay him a visit.
"Well, Baldwin, what news?" he said, drily. "Thoroughly satisfied with your new course in political education?"
"Why, the boys seem to take to it with enthusiasm,"said Baldwin rather dubiously. "I think they're thoroughly interested."
"Interested? Yes—quite so. By the way, Baldwin," Baronson stopped a moment and scanned his young subordinate with pitying knowledge, "I'm going to retire for the night. If I had a cyclone cellar I'd move to it. I put you in charge of the house. If any attempt is made to set it on fire or dynamite it, go out and argue gently with the boys, and above all, impress upon them that they are the hope of the country and must set a standard. Reason with them, Baldwin, and above all, appeal to their better natures. Good-night."
Baldwin did not answer. He stood meditatively gazing out the window. From the Dickinson and the Kennedy magic lanterns were flashing campaign slogans on white sheets suspended at opposite houses. The uproar of cat-calls and hoots that accompanied the exhibitions left small reason to hope that they were couched in that clear, reasoning style which would uplift future American politics.
As he looked, from the Upper House the indignant and now thoroughly aroused fourth form started to parade with torch-lights and transparencies.Presently the winding procession, clothed in super-imposed night shirts, arrived with hideous clamour. Dangling from a pole were two grotesque figures stuffed with straw and decked with aprons; overhead was the inscription, "Kings of the Goo-Goos," and one was labelled Hickey and one was labelled Brother. Opposite his window they halted and chanted in soft unison: