Correspondence
Letter writing is a high art, and can give great pleasure to one's friends. It must not, however, be intemperately indulged in, either in frequency, length of letters, or freedom of expression. A timely note is a great binder of friendship, and may give comfort and satisfaction much greater than a longer letter at a less important moment.
The danger of letter writing is that one is tempted to pour out one's inmost feelings with thoughtless abandon, and find later that the relative or friend to whom the letter was addressed was unworthy of the confidence, or, ifnot unworthy, was repelled by it, or indiscreet in guarding it. It is always wise for one to restrain his expression of himself, when writing or speaking, within the bounds of dignity and a self-respecting reserve.
The classic letters of literature are usually those the fervor of expression and self-revelation of which gave them a strong human interest, but in the preservation and publication of which sacred confidence was violated. The average letter of the average man or woman is by no means a classic, or worthy of preservation. It should be destroyed when it has fulfilled the immediate purpose for which it was written. It may otherwise sometime be instrumental in bringing ridicule, if not shame, upon the unsuspecting writer.
As letter writing is the most common form of composition, the general rules pertaining to that art should be observed in even the most informal of letters.
All letters should be concise and definite. An involved style is a great waste of time and mental power, and has no advantage.
A letter should be written on consecutive pages, unless it be very short, in which case it is preferable to use the first and third, rather than only the first and second, pages. It should never be written so that the sheet has to be turned around and the pages read at differentangles. The turning over of the pages should be all that is necessary.
If, however, social note paper is used for a short business letter to a business man, open the sheet out flat, turn it so that the left side becomes the top of the sheet, and use as you would a single large sheet of commercial paper. This enables the reader to see the whole matter at a glance.
Do not scrawl your letter over the page; but do not, on the other hand, appear to economize in paper. Make the place and date lines clear and distinct. Set off the salutation from the body of the letter, and make the form of the letter upon the page artistic and concise. Paper is cheap, and the delight of receiving a letter well framed in even margins and written on regular, if invisible, lines is a pleasure easily afforded a friend.
The letter should be begun about two inches down from the upper edge of the paper. The left-hand margin should be three-quarters of an inch, with paragraph indention an inch more. The lower margin also should be three-quarters of an inch, and the right margin should be kept even and, for best effect, almost as wide as the left margin.
Do not run on the letter without paragraphing it, but place each subject in a paragraph by itself.
A business letter should always go straight to the point.
A note of apology should be direct, and say but the one thing which is its subject.
A note asking a favor should do it simply and without unnecessary preamble. The sense of freedom or intimacy which permits one to ask a favor, should be great enough to obviate the necessity of long explanation, which seems like coaxing.
The refusal of a request requires tact, and may necessitate less directness than courteous explanation: but it should not be so extended as to be apologetic.
A letter of thanks is difficult, but too great effusiveness is as disgusting as too great abruptness is unsatisfactory. The elusive but happy medium is the work of the socially well-trained.
Paper
The grade of paper used is a matter of no small moment. Some people affect a fastidiousness in color and quality quite out of keeping with the purpose to which the paper is to be put. Others affect an opposite slovenliness, which shows equal disregard of use and effectiveness.
A good quality of paper is essential to elegance. Plain white or cream white paper, unlined,with either rough or smooth finish, is always correct, and is the only kind for formal social correspondence. For more intimate letters ladies sometimes use a pale blue, delicate pearl-gray, light lavender or heliotrope, or a Colonial buff. There has lately been imported the style of an envelope with lining of another color and paper to match, in a variety of bright tints and striking designs. These styles, even in the daintier variations of them, appeal only to the younger members of the "smart set." Gentlemen never use any but white stationery.
Correspondence cards are a great convenience for the very shortest of messages, where even the small note paper is too large. They are to social letter writing what the postal is in business. They, like the postal, should be used only for brief messages of no special importance, or for notifications.
It is a matter of taste and of expense to have one's monogram or home address engraved at the top of choice note paper or letter paper. This may be in gilt, silver, or colors.
The more common forms of heading are centered an inch below the top of the paper, but may be placed somewhat lower down, and to the right, leaving about three-quarters of an inch margin. In this case the date line follows. Engraved and embossed headings are the most elegant, and printed ones should be used onlyfor business purposes. There can, however, be no objection to a very neatly printed small heading for personal business correspondence, if it is tastefully done in a quiet color. While it would not be acceptable for formal social correspondence, it does very well on more intimate letters and saves the necessity of writing each time the home address. It is best to use printed letterheads, rather than commit the blunder now so common, among those who do not habitually use engraved paper, of omitting the address from the letter. This, in case the letter is misdirected, and travels to the Dead-LetterOffice, prevents effectually its restoration to the writer.
The size of note paper suited to the letter to be written should be used. Do not start with a small note size, and run on over several sheets. The letter size should have been taken in the first place, as the note is only for such messages as are essentially short.
The forms of heading which are permissible at the top of the personal letter paper are the following: a crest, monogram, or the separate initials; the name of the home if, as an estate, it has a special title; the name of the city and state; or the street address, with the name of the city and state beneath.
When in mourning, it is customary to use a note paper and envelopes surrounded with a narrow black border. The border should notexceed three-eighths of an inch in width, and three-sixteenths of an inch during the period of half mourning. Sometimes only a black line with the monogram is used.
Scented note paper is not in good taste, except perhaps that which has a very faint odor of violets or of orris root, or, in the Southland, of orange blossoms.
Ink
Colored inks are not liked or approved of by society. A good blue-black ink is the best for all writing.
Pale inks, too faint to be easily seen, and too lacking in stock to last any length of time, are useless.
Handwriting
Illegibility in handwriting, or a stilted and difficult hand, is a great waste of time and energy, mainly the would-be reader's. There is no excuse, in these days of the typewriter and of common knowledge of stenography, for an illegible letter or manuscript, and the carelessness which writes too hurriedly to form the letters is excusable only in the gravest emergency and between intimate friends, where the inconvenience caused by it will be, for personalreasons, gladly forgiven. Some handwritings which are thoroughly legible are extremely tiring to the reader, and the simpler, less ornate hand is for every purpose preferable.
The affectation of a handwriting which enables you to put but few words on a page, is absurd and vulgar in the extreme. Yet, on the other hand, a too delicate or minute hand is not desirable. Legibility, neatness, and clearness are the salient virtues of a letter.
The use of the typewriter is confined to business. It is still very bad form to use it for personal letters; but should elegant script and small, clear forms of type, such as are furnished by one or two of the machines now on the market, be in common use, there is little doubt but what the speed of service and the advantages of clearness would bring the typewriter into use in intimate, and perhaps at last into more formal, social correspondence. The tendency seems to lie in that direction.
Sealing, Stamping, and Directing Envelopes
Neatness is especially necessary in the folding of letters, and in addressing, stamping, and sealing the envelopes. Haste and slovenliness here take away the suggestion of compliment in the courtesy of the note, and are as insulting as any rudeness of manner can well be.
The fastidious and leisurely still seal their envelopes with wax, imprinting thus their monogram. The well-gummed envelope now in vogue makes this superfluous for the ordinary informal letter. Addresses should be written with an eye to legibility, and the stamp should be affixed to the upper right-hand corner of the envelope with care and neatness. Social invitations, although engraved and therefore containing no handwriting, should always be sent with letter postage.
Letters should be plainly and completely addressed to insure their safe and prompt delivery.
Persons who have a large business correspondence should use for it envelopes on which their name and post office address are printed in the upper left-hand corner. In social correspondence these should be clearly written or engraved upon the back of the envelope.
Sometimes where a business firm is small or little known, it facilitates the delivery of a business letter to place the number of the office room in a building upon the envelope. Where, however, the firm is so large that probably the entire mail is carried from the post office in bags, or where a post office box is doubtless made use of instead of the carriers' delivery, even the street number is superfluous. Letters for departments should be so marked.
If the city is one of the largest in the country, the name of the state is not added; as, New York City, Boston, Chicago, and Philadelphia would stand alone.
Only a business letter should have the word "City" in place of the name of the city, and it is better to write the name, omitting, if you choose, the state. This is permissible only when the central post office is used, as the postmark of any suburban station might cause confusion, and railway post office clerks, especially, should not be expected to guess accurately the intents of a writer.
When street addresses like "Broadway," "Park Row," "Aborn Drive," are written, it is superfluous to write "St." after them.
The older form of writing an address was to end each line with a comma. The more recent style, and one coming into quite common use, is to omit the comma, using only such punctuation as the sense of the words within the line demands. Either way is permissible.
Uniformity and concise clearness are characteristics of a well-written address. An address should be written as follows:
Mr. Frankel Banchman,15 Westland Avenue,Philadelphia,Pa.
If the directions are to be included, then the following arrangement is better:
Mrs. Arthur L. Casson,North Maplewood,Chestnut County,Care of Mr. Hiram Casson. N. Y.
The sign of per cent is no longer used to signify "care of."
A clergyman is addressed "The Reverend John L. Wrigley, D. D.," or, less correctly, "Rev. John L. Wrigley, D. D.," which may be transposed to "Rev. Dr. John L. Wrigley." The omission of the article before the word "Reverend" is quite common.
A physician is properly addressed, "Algernon Brigham, M. D.," and the salutation is "Dear Dr. Brigham," or "Dear Doctor," if he is an intimate friend. A man having the title of Doctor with any other significance than that of Doctor of Medicine, is usually addressed "Dr. Frederic V. Harlan." A very formal way, however, would be to address such a one,—supposing each of the titles to be his,—as "Professor Frederic V. Harlan, Ph. D." For the letter, the salutations "Dear Professor Harlan" and "Dear Dr. Harlan" are equally correct.
A letter to the President of the United Statesshould be addressed simply with that title and with no further specification of name, whether it be official or social: as, "To the President of the United States, Executive Mansion, Washington, D. C." The salutation should be simply "Sir." The conclusion should be, "I have the honor to remain Your obedient servant." If a social letter it may be addressed either formally or "To the President of the United States, (Christian name and surname), Executive Mansion," etc. The salutation would then be "My dear Mr. President."
The Vice President should be addressed officially in the same form; that is, "To the Vice President, Hon. Chester A. Arthur." He should be saluted, officially, "Mr. Vice President, Sir;" socially, "My dear Mr. Arthur."
In addressing the governor of a state the superscription should be, "To His Excellency, The Governor of Massachusetts, State House, Boston." The salutation should be "Sir," if official, but "Dear Governor Barnard," if social. The conclusion of an official letter should read, "I have the honor to be, Sir, Your Excellency's most obedient servant."
The mayor of a city is addressed, "To His Honor, The Mayor of Chicago." Within, he is saluted officially as "Your Honor," socially as "My dear Mayor Sewall."
Ambassadors of any country, whatever theirpersonal distinction, may be given the title of "Honorable," and their rank placed after the surname. As, "Honorable Whitelaw Reid, Ambassador to the Court of St. James." They may always be addressed as "Your Excellency."
The members of the Cabinet of the President of the United States are always addressed as "Honorable," and the name of their department, or their title added: as, "The Honorable, The Secretary of State." To give the name would be superfluous, as in the case of the President. On formal invitations, however, when the Secretary and his wife are entertaining, the form is, "The Secretary of State and Mrs. Hay request the honor," etc.
Invitations which come to one because of his official position are not intended for personal compliments, hence are addressed to the office, not to the man personally.
An invitation from the President of the United States is equal to a command, and may not be declined. Other engagements must be broken for it, and only grave calamity or illness should excuse one, the excuse being frankly stated instead of mere formal expressions of regret.
In ceremonious notes abbreviations should never be used.
Should one address the ruler of England, the superscription would be, "His Majesty, TheKing, London." The salutation would be, "Sir;" the conclusion, "I have the honor to be, Sir, Your Majesty's most obedient servant."
"His Grace the Duke of Fife" is the form of address for a Duke; "My Lord Duke" being the salutation, and "Your Grace's most obedient servant" the subscription.
In writing to the Pope of the Roman Catholic Church, one should address the letter to "His Holiness, Pope ——, Rome." The salutation should be "Your Holiness," but the conclusion remains the same form as for other dignitaries. A Cardinal of the same church is addressed "To His Eminence (Christian name) Cardinal (surname)," and greeted as "Your Eminence." Formality should be strictly observed.
An Archbishop of the Church of England is addressed, "The Most Reverend (name) His Grace the Lord Archbishop of (name of bishopric)." The salutation is "My Lord Archbishop;" the subscription, "I have the honor to be, with the highest respect, Your Grace's most humble servant." A Bishop is addressed "The Right Reverend the Lord Bishop of (name of diocese)." He is saluted "My Lord Bishop."
In the United States the Bishops of the Protestant Episcopal Church, who are not here Lords, are addressed, singly, as "The Right Reverend (Christian name and surname).D. D.," or "The Right Reverend Bishop of (name of diocese)." They are saluted, singly, "Most Reverend Sir."
The word "To" may precede a formal or ceremonious address, adding to the formality.
An envelope containing a letter or card of introduction should never be sealed, if presented in person by the party introduced. If, however, he should deliver it by messenger,—an exceptional procedure, and one not to be followed by a man except in unusual circumstances,—the envelope may be sealed.
No letter sent through the kindness of a friend should ever be sealed. The envelope should bear, in the lower left-hand corner, the acknowledgment of the favor in words like "Kindness of Miss Hallowell."
Salutation, Conclusion, and Signature of Letters
A stranger should be saluted as follows: "Mr. Eugene Motley, My dear Sir;" "Mrs. Alonzo Parmenter, Dear Madam;" or "Eugene Motley, Esq., My dear Sir." These are forms slightly more formal than "My dear Mr. Motley," or "My dear Mrs. Parmenter," which in America are strangely considered more formal than "Dear Mr. Motley," or "Dear Mrs. Parmenter," although in England the reverse is true. Therefore, a mere acquaintanceis addressed "My dear Mrs. Judson," while a friend is addressed "Dear Mr. Clark."
A married woman signs her name, as "Ethel Husted," and then puts her formal name, "Mrs. Hollis Husted," in brackets a little to the left of and a little below the other.
Never sign a title. The name only is your signature. It may be necessary to write the title in brackets and at the left, as "(Miss)" or "(Mrs.)," but it should never be part of the signature. Such notes as demand the use of the title are put in the third person.
The date should be at the end of a social note, in the lower left-hand corner, and should be written out, with the name of the year omitted and no figures used. The grammatical form is "The ninth of December," never "December the ninth," nor "December ninth."
In business letters the salutation for a firm name is "Dear Sir," or "Gentlemen." Where two married women go into business together, there seems to be in English no combined title to take the place of the French, so that is generally used, and that is "Mesdames," abbreviated "Mmes." before their names.
The formal conclusions of letters are: "Respectfully yours," used to a superior; "Sincerely yours," or "Truly yours," used largely in business, or the same forms with the adverb "Very" preceding them. Less formal termsare: "Cordially yours," "Fraternally yours," or the pronoun with any appropriate adverb which the originality of the writer may suggest. Less abrupt, but not less formal, endings are: "With best regards, I am," etc.; "With kindest regards, I remain," etc.; "Believe me Very sincerely yours."
For intimate letters either to relatives or friends no specified suggestions are needed. The ordinary form, "Your affectionate daughter," or "niece," etc., may, however, be employed, in dearth of special inspiration.
Distinction is sometimes made between business and social letters by the position of "Yours,"—it being placed before the adverb in social correspondence, and after in business. The tone of the letter may be left to guide in this matter. There is an abruptness always somewhat unpleasant in the use of the adverb alone.
Make the beginning and ending of a letter the same in degree of cordiality. Do not begin formally "My dear Madam," and end "Cordially yours."
Every letter should be signed with the full name of the writer. A possible exception might be made of those addressed to members of one's own family, where the use of the Christian name only would mean no ambiguity, or where the signing of the surname gives a touch of formality. It is well, however, to rememberthat letters placed in the post take the chances of fortune, and, with the plainest of addresses, may, by the absence of the person or for some other cause, bring up in the Dead-Letter Office. Their resurrection there will depend upon their containing the full name of the sender as well as his address. If a letter is valuable enough to send, it is valuable enough to sign, even if the signature be double,—first the familiar or given name, and then, in the lower left-hand corner, the full name.
It is well to use always the name which is your legal signature. This will prevent confusion, and forestall the possibility of your putting, from force of habit, the wrong form of your name upon a legal document.
It is well to write one's name in full. Three complete names are none too many for individual distinction in so crowded a world as is ours. If, however, the middle one is represented by an initial only, always write it uniformly. It is better, if the form with initial only has not become really established, to use the full name, although it may be long.
The form of one's signature and the style of the handwriting soon become habitual. Therefore, every effort should be made to make and keep it legible. An illegible signature is unpardonable,—save perhaps on a page at the top of which a printed or engraved letterheadgives the name in full. There is, however, the danger that the writer of the illegible signature will sometime sign his name on a legal document, or a sheet not bearing his letterhead, and the signature stand for nothing.
Letters of Introduction
A letter of introduction should never be requested. If it is offered it is a sign of great regard. If it is greatly desired, it might be well to acquaint the person, in whose power it is to offer it, with the circumstances and interests which make it desirable, but never to do more than this.
The advisability of giving letters of introduction depends upon the circumstances. Between business acquaintances and for business purposes, it is a common form of establishing connection among various interests, and, if done with discrimination, is to be approved. It should, however, even in business be done sparingly, as it is a matter of personal friendship, usually, and as no one has a right to make numerous or exacting demands upon one's friends.
Socially it is a matter of great delicacy, and should have even more restrictions put upon it than does the introduction in company. For the written introduction is used because distanceprevents the personal one, and that usually throws the recipient of such a letter into the position of host to the traveler or newcomer, or at least of benefactor to some degree. It places upon him an obligation not involved in the verbal introduction, and the presumption is that he is to do some favor, or show some special attention.
Letters of introduction may be explanatory or brief. Brevity is preferable, but circumstances must determine.
A visiting card is often used with the words "Introducing Mr. Allan Golding to Mr. Morris," or similar form, written across the top. The card should be enclosed in a small envelope and left unsealed.
A brief form of letter simply says: "Permit me to introduce to your favorable notice Mr. Silas Emerson."
A more explicit form would be a letter the body of which would resemble the following:
"The bearer, Mr. Mark W. Allen, who is an old friend and neighbor of mine, represents the Altmann Irrigation Company, and is desirous of obtaining information in regard to the system of waterways lately put into your county. Knowing your influential position in regard to all matters of public interest, I have sent him to you in the hope that you may be able to put him in touch with the people who will give himthe desired information. Any favor that you may do Mr. Allen, or any courtesy that you may extend to him, will be deeply appreciated by me."
A purely social letter of introduction would say in substance: "Mrs. Arthur L. Westmore, who presents this letter to you, is an intimate and cherished friend of mine, and one whom I know you would desire to meet. She is to spend some little time in your city, and any courtesy that you may do her I shall deeply appreciate. I have told her of our friendship, and she knows how highly I value you, and is eager to meet you."
When a letter of introduction is given, it is well to write the receiver concerning the friend who will present it, that he may not be taken unawares, nor continue long ignorant of the claims of that friend upon him.
A gentleman usually presents such a letter by calling in person and sending in the letter, together with one of his personal cards, by the servant who answers the bell, or by the office boy. A lady usually mails the letter and one of her cards giving her address. She should receive an acknowledgment with a call or offer of hospitality within a day or two.
A person who makes use of a letter of introduction should acknowledge to the giver the courtesy he has received, with due gratitude.
Letters of Recommendation
Letters of recommendation should be sparingly given. It is becoming less and less important, in the minds of experienced employers, to demand references. The personality of the applicant counts, and the varying traits which different positions cultivate make the experiences of the past of but little guidance, save in a broad and general way.
The giving of recommendations at random, "To whom it may concern," is also less done than formerly, as there is such uncertainty in regard to their use. Instead of this, the servant is told that she may use the former mistress's name as reference. The new, would-be employer then writes a note of inquiry to the former employer.
In replying to such a note great conscientiousness should be shown. Full justice should be done the servant. Only the truth should be told, and as much of it as a generous heart and wise conscience, coupled with a sense of responsibility toward the inquirer, permit. These letters should be brief and not effusive on any point, nor evasive of the issue at stake.
Never write to another, asking for information, or a favor of any kind, without enclosing a stamped and addressed envelope for reply.
Third-person Letters
Letters are written in the third person in answer to formal invitations so worded, and in correspondence between people but slightly acquainted or known to each other only by reputation, persons not social equals, and by tradespeople and their patrons.
Great care should be taken to preserve the impersonal diction throughout the letter, and to refrain from signing it. The tone should always be formal and very polite.
An order may take the form of a request, as "Will Mr. Sutherland please . . . and oblige," with the signature of the writer.
Informal Invitations and Announcements
In inviting a friend to visit you, it is customary to mention the length of the visit, setting a definite date for it and limit to it. This makes it possible for both hostess and guest to arrange other engagements.
A time-table of the trains, if the guest comes from the distance, with an account of the trolley lines, if from near at hand, should be enclosed.
The engagement of a daughter may be announced by informal notes to one's whole circle of friends and acquaintances. The followingform of note may serve as a suggestion: "I am sure that you will join our household in sympathy with Eleanor in her happiness when I tell you that she has just announced her engagement to Mr. Harold Farnham, a man of whom her father and I thoroughly approve. The wedding will not take place for some months, but felicitations are in order."
Letters of Condolence
A letter of condolence should be short and quite sincere, or else the courteous custom of sending it is more honored in the breach than in the observance.
Such letters should be sent very promptly.
To expatiate to any extent whatever upon the bereavement is heartless or thoughtless, and as there is no danger of ambiguity, the letter does not need to account for itself in any way.
The following letter is as explicit as any letter of condolence need ever be, and the second form is preferable, unless great intimacy makes the less abrupt one permissible.
"Dear Mr. Legrow:I have read of your bereavement with the deepest sorrow. I cannot tell you how fully I sympathize with you and your children, or how my heart aches for you in your loneliness. Mayyou have strength and grace to bear up under the great loss you have sustained.Sincerely yours,Margaret Edelstone.""Dear Mrs. Hilcox:You have my deepest sympathy.Ever cordially yours,Mildred Hasseltine."
I have read of your bereavement with the deepest sorrow. I cannot tell you how fully I sympathize with you and your children, or how my heart aches for you in your loneliness. Mayyou have strength and grace to bear up under the great loss you have sustained.
Sincerely yours,Margaret Edelstone."
You have my deepest sympathy.
Ever cordially yours,Mildred Hasseltine."
Answering Letters
Business letters should be answered by return mail, as should also all invitations to dinner or luncheon.
All invitations should be answered within a day if possible, because delay looks like a reluctance to accept. They should certainly be answered, either personally or by letter, within a week after the invitation is received.
Friendly letters should have such promptness of response as circumstances and the intimacy of the friendship demand.
Notes of congratulation and felicitation should be sent promptly after receiving the card or note announcement of an engagement or a birth, and in the latter case at least, should be followed by a call.
A personal visiting card, with the words "Thank you for sympathy" written over thename, is sufficient acknowledgment of letters of condolence. To very intimate friends, however, the spontaneous note of thanks would be more courteous. As it is almost impossible, at such a time, to attend to matters of social intercourse, the sending of the card is always permissible, and can occasion no offense, even if the more intimate acknowledgment was hoped for.
Greetings and Recognitions
Thebow and the handshake are the accepted forms of greeting in the United States to-day. The bow varies from a very slight inclination of the head, as one gentleman passes another, or from the quick touching of the hat with the hand, in a sort of reminiscence of the military salute, to the various degrees of elaborate bow which savors of European ceremonial courtesy.
The usual form is a bending of the head and shoulders, with the eyes kept on those of the person greeted, the hat being removed from the head and held in the right hand during the bow,—which is at once brief, deferential, and dignified. It may be accompanied by the handshake, in which case the hat is lifted by the left hand.
The degree of the depth of the bow is usually spontaneous, determined by the deference felt, or the emotions which the meeting may summon. It is useless to bow low to conceal scornor real disdain, for they are sure to reveal themselves in the artificiality of the pose, or in the carriage of the shoulders, or in the movement of an eyelash, and usually nobody is deceived.
The correct position for an extreme bow is with the feet near together, the legs straight, and the entire body inclined from the hips. This is somewhat too extreme for common use, and should be modified always in public, the less elaborate bow being much preferable upon the street or in public places.
A woman bows more erectly than a man does, and gives perhaps as cordial an impression by the greater expressiveness of her greeting, which should always be characteristic, and never mechanical, or in imitation of others, whose natural traits may be far different, however admirable she may consider their style to be. It is only when she meets some one her senior, or in much more important social position, or one whom she specially delights to honor, that she elaborates her bow, or curtsies if not in public and if the occasion admit of the formality.
A lady should be straightforward in her greeting, never condescending to the coquettish mannerism of letting the eyes fall during the bow. She should sink her personal consciousness in the fact of meeting another, and should not intrude it into the intellectual interest of such a meeting.
The handshake is accomplished by extending the right hand horizontally from the elbow and clasping, between the closed four fingers and thumb of the hand, the closed four fingers of the friend's right hand, then quietly shaking it. This is sometimes varied by lifting the clasped hands,—not the elbow,—to the height of the shoulders, and there mildly shaking them, or clasping them with a slight pressure and letting them drop,—styles savoring of affectation. The impulse prompting the handshake,—that of getting together in intimate personal greeting,—is accomplished when the clasp is ended, and vigorous and prolonged shaking, or special pressure, or continued holding of the hand, are all alike unpardonable.
The bow is the least sign of recognition, and may mean little or much, but its significance is known only to the two concerned. While it is permissible in public places to make its cordiality, or lack of it, apparent, it is not permissible to greet fellow guests at any private social function with either more or less than a uniform and impartial courtesy.
The bow does not mean that one has a calling acquaintance. It may mean only a casual knowledge of one another's existence, due to some brief coming together. Intentionally to neglect to bow, after a bowing acquaintance has once been established, is an open affront, anddenotes either extreme rudeness or veiled insult. The dropping of an acquaintance by refusal to recognize, may, in our complicated social system, sometimes be necessary, but it is only justified by the necessity for society to safeguard itself against some of the more flagrant social abuses.
It is a woman's privilege, in meeting a man whom she knows, to bow first. Indeed, the man always waits for her to do so, unless he is a very intimate friend. A woman should always be sure, before bowing to a man, that she knows him and that she has caught his eye.
When a gentleman is walking with a lady, he lifts his hat when she bows to an acquaintance, even if the person is not known to him. So, also, when he is alone and meets a man whom he knows, who is in the company of a lady, he lifts his hat. When, walking with a lady, he meets a gentleman whom he knows, he removes his hat.
When a gentleman meets a party of ladies or stops to speak with one only, it is customary for him to retain his hat in his hand until she requests him to replace it. This is done with social superiors and to show great respect, being more ceremonial than finds common acceptance among Americans.
When he is with a gentleman who bows to a lady, he also lifts his hat. It is proper for himto lift the hat when offering any courtesy to a lady, even though a total stranger, and upon leaving a lady with whom he or a person accompanying him has been talking.
It is well to return a bow which is directed to you, even if you do not know the one bowing. This often saves considerable embarrassment to the one who has for the moment mistaken you for some one else.
When passing before ladies seated in a lecture hall, or concert, a gentleman always asks their pardon for troubling them.
In passing or repassing on the street or promenade, a single bow is sufficient recognition, even though you may meet an acquaintance several times.
A lady, receiving in her own home, shakes hands with the stranger with the same cordiality as with the friend.
A gentleman when greeting a lady never takes the initiative in hand-shaking. If a lady offers her hand, however, it would be very rude indeed for a gentleman not to accept the courtesy.
Persons who have met at the house of a mutual friend, but have not been introduced, are under no obligation to bow when they meet elsewhere afterward, and usually do not.
When a man passes a lady on a staircase, in the corridor of a hotel, in the elevator of aprivate apartment house, or in the public rooms of a hotel, he lifts his hat although she may be a stranger.
This rule does not prevail on the staircases and in the corridors of office buildings, with the exception, perhaps, of banks and such offices as people of wealth frequent; for a new fineness of courtesy has made men feel that, as women are winning an equality of position in the business field, a delicate way of recognizing that equality is by giving them a comradely deference rather than paying them the social attentions. Another marked expression of this is in the fact that a business man, when walking on the street with a business woman, does not interrupt their conversation by changing sides with her in order to keep constantly on the outside of the walk.
An indication of the two kinds of courtesy, social and business, is often grotesquely shown when a woman in social life, perhaps the wife of one of the men present, enters an office where there are both men and women of equal business importance and social rank. There is an elaborate social courtesy paid to the wife, who is in private life, which would not be paid, and would seem grotesque and ill-mannered if paid, to the business woman, even though she were at once the active vice president of the corporation and wife of the president.
Introductions
The usual form of introduction is, "Mrs. Allen, may I present Mr. Brown?" Or, "Mrs. Allen, let me present Mr. Brown." Or, "Mrs. Caldwell, allow me to present Colonel Glazier." Where, however, the permission need not be suggested, and the relative standing of the people is the same, the form may be only, "Mrs. Gleason, Mr. Ansel."
When it is necessary to introduce one person to several, the form is, "Mrs. Gladstone, I want you to meet Mrs. Falmouth, Miss Washburn, Mr. Cronkshaw, and Mr. Edgerton." The one introduced simply repeats each name and smiles as she greets each in turn.
Another form much in use is, "Miss Hanscom, I want you to know my friend, Mr. Thompson, the artist," and is preferable because of its definiteness.
The response to an introduction is, "I am happy to meet you," or, "I am very glad to meet you."
If one does not catch the name of the person introduced, it is proper to ask it, saying, "Pardon me, but I did not understand the name."
Introductions should always be spoken distinctly,especially the names. If, in introducing, one can add a sentence which will give a subject of conversation, the preliminaries of acquaintance may be speedily passed, and memorable information and real profit be gleaned from even a casual meeting.
It is a mark of intelligence and social instinct to be quick to catch and retain in memory a face and name from even a brief introduction, and the tacit compliment to the person so remembered is apt to win his favor.
Persons who have not been introduced are not considered acquainted. The exceptions to this rule are the guests under a common roof, while they are there.
Introductions should never be indiscriminately made. There should be willingness, if not eagerness, on the part of both to meet. A hostess is, however, warranted in introducing two people who she knows will be congenial, or if they have before expressed a desire to become acquainted. If any doubt exists as to how the introduction will be received by either, they should not be introduced.
One should never introduce two acquaintances who reside in the same town but move in different social circles, unless each had desired the introduction.
If there is a difference of station or age, then it is necessary only to ask the older or more prominent person whether the introductionwould be acceptable. This should be done quietly, and quite out of hearing or knowledge of the other person concerned.
A gentleman should ask a mutual friend for an introduction to a lady whom he wishes to meet. Unless there is no possible objection, the mutual friend should not introduce the gentleman until he has made sure that the lady is willing.
It is not well to introduce gentlemen to one another indiscriminately, nor should ladies be so introduced. One wishes to keep the boundaries of one's acquaintance within certain definite limits, and choice is easier made before acquaintance than after. So, one shows great care in offering introductions to others, and exercises the same care for one's self.
If a hostess and her guest are out walking together, the hostess would introduce to her guest every friend who happened to stop and speak with her, and the guest, should she meet acquaintances of her own, would introduce each of them to her hostess. This is practically the only case where indiscriminate introducing is good form, and here the obligations of hospitality safeguard it.
A lady usually offers her hand to a gentleman who has been introduced to her, but a bow, a smile, and a repetition of the name are all that is necessary where several introductions arebeing made, as at a large reception or dancing party.
A gentleman always offers his hand to another gentleman on being introduced.
An elderly lady may offer her hand in all introductions with perfect propriety.
If, while walking out with a friend, you meet another, do not introduce the two. A transient meeting is of no particular moment to them, and their friendship or acquaintance with you is not necessarily of strong enough interest to make them desire acquaintance. If, however, you meet at some public place, and are detained there together for several minutes, then the introduction should be given.
When meeting at the house of a mutual acquaintance, friends may introduce friends, but it is preferable to leave the introductions to the hostess.
It is no longer necessary to introduce each guest to everybody else at a party. Introductions are made as opportunity or necessity may dictate. This abolishing of promiscuous and wholesale introductions relieves two very embarrassing situations,—that of being introduced by announcement to a whole roomful of people, and that of being taken around and introduced to them singly.
A mother may present her son, or a sister her brother, or a wife her husband, if she so desires,without any question as to the propriety of it. A man should not, on the other hand, introduce another man to his wife, or a son or brother make a presentation of a man to his mother or sister, unless he knows that such acquaintance could not but be agreeable to the lady, and unless it meets with his own approval. For it is a man's place always to safeguard a woman against undesirable acquaintances.
A woman, in introducing her husband, gives him his title, if he has one, as "Judge Hartwell," "Doctor Foley." The wife of the President of the United States speaks of him only as "The President," and in presenting people to him, he is always addressed as "Mr. President," with the invariable omission of his surname.
A friend or acquaintance, no matter how distinguished, is always presented to one's father or mother or one's intimate relative, where the intimacy of the relation makes an honor more distinguishing, in the mind of the introducer, than any of reputation or position.
A young man should be introduced to an older man, a young woman to an older woman.
A man is always presented to a woman, never the reverse.
If a lady is seated and a man is presented to her, she need not rise. If two ladies, both seated, are introduced to each other, they shouldrise, unless one is old or an invalid, in which case both remain seated. Two gentlemen, though both are seated, rise and shake hands when introduced.
A young lady always rises when an elderly person is introduced.
Introductions are not made at table. The guests at a dinner party should be presented to one another in the drawing-room before coming to the table, and if that is impossible, as many should be introduced as may be, especially those who are to sit beside or near or opposite each other. If one is seated beside a guest whom he has not met, the man takes the initiative in speaking a few words as soon as he takes his seat, to which the lady responds always cordially, keeping up more or less of a conversation during the dinner.
At dancing parties all those who are giving the party, as well as all the ushers and those who receive, make introductions as general as possible, so as to insure the pleasure of the guests during the evening.
An introduction at a dance carries with it the obligation on the part of the man to ask the woman for a dance, and on her part to grant his request unless her card is full.
When traveling great care should be taken as to introductions.
As a guest one should be ready and willingto meet any one whom his host or hostess may introduce, even though it be an enemy. The obligations of hospitality rest nowhere more heavily than in this matter. They demand that impartial courtesy should be shown to every one.