ACT III.

ACT III.SCENE, the Great Hall.(A Judge’s Chair, four other Chairs, Benches with red Baize, a Table and a Stool, with Pen, Ink and Paper.)Enter theCOUNT,dressed, and aSERVANT,booted.Count.Ride to Seville with all speed; enquire if the Page has joined his Regiment, and at what o’clock precisely he arrived; give him this Commission, and return like lightening.Servant.And if he is not there—Count.Return still quicker.—Go; fly!——(Exit Servant)—I was wrong to send Basil out of the way—He might have been very serviceable—But Anger was never wise—I scarcely know at present what I wish—When once the Passions have obtained the Mastery, there is no Mind, however consistent, but becomes as wild and incongruous as a Dream—If the Countess, Susan, and Figaro should understand each other and plot to betray me!—If the Pagewasshut up in her dressing-room—Oh! no!—The Respect she bears herself—my Honor!—My Honor? And in my Wife’s keeping?—Honor in a Woman’s possession, like Ice Cream in the mouth, melts away ina contest of Pleasure and Pain—I will sound Figaro, however.EnterFIGARO,behind.Figaro.Here am I. (Aside.)Count.And if I have reason to suppose them plotting against me, he shall marry Marcelina.Figaro.Perhaps not. (Aside.)Count.But in that case, what must Susan be?Figaro.My Wife, if you please.—(Figaro’s eagerness occasions him to speak aloud——The Count turns round astonished.)Count.My Wife, if you please!—To whom did you say my Wife, if you please?Figaro.To—to—to—That is—They were the last words of a sentence I was saying to one of the Servants—Go and tell so and so to—my Wife, if you please.Count.Your Wife!—Zounds, you are very fond of your Wife.Figaro.I love to be singular.Count.You have made me wait for you here a long while.Figaro.I have been changing my Stockings, which I dirtied in the fall.Count.Servants, I think, are longer dressing than their Masters.Figaro.Well they may—They are obliged to dress themselves.Count.If in sifting my Gentleman, I find him unwilling to go to France, I may conclude Susan has betrayed me. (Aside.)Figaro.He has mischief in his head, but I’ll watch his motions. (Aside.)Count.(Approaches Figaro with familiarity)—Thou knowest, Figaro, it was my intention to have taken thee with me on my Embassy to Paris, but I believe thou dost not understand French.Figaro.Perfectly.Count.Indeed!—Let’s hear.—(Figaro pulls out his purse and jingles it)—Is that all the French thou understandest?Figaro.All!—Is not that enough, think you, my Lord?—That’s a Language understood in every corner of the habitable Earth, and in no place better than in Paris.—“Your Philosophers, who lament the loss of an universal Language, are Fools—They always carry one in their pockets.”As for a knowledge of French, my Lord, I maintain,s’il vous plait, and a Purse are all that’s necessary—Let but the sound of Silver jingle in a Frenchman’s ears, and he will instantly understand your meaning, be it what it will.—“If you have a Law-suit, and wish to gain your Cause, go to the Judge, pull off your Hat, and pull out your Purse; smile, shake it, and pronounce,s’il vous plait, Monsieur—Count.“And your Adversary is overthrown.Figaro.“Undoubtedly—Unless he understands French still better than you—Do you wish theFriendshipof a great Lord, or a great Lady, its still the same—Chink, chink, ands’il vous plait, Monseigneur—S’il vous plait, Madame—The French are a very witty People!—Amazingly quick of apprehension!—Therefore, my Lord, if you have no other reason than this for leaving me behind—”Count.But thou art no Politician.Figaro.Pardon me, my Lord, I am as great a master of Politics——Count.As thou art of French.Figaro.Oh, my Lord, the thing is so easy—He must be a Fool indeed who could find his vanity flattered by his skill in Politics—To appear always deeply concerned for the good of the State, yet to have no other end but Self-interest; to assemble and say Nothing; to pretend vast Secrecy where there is nothing to conceal; to shut yourself up in your Chamber, and mend your pen or pick your Teeth, while your Footmen inform the attending Croud you are too busy to be approach’d—this, with the art of intercepting Letters, imitating Hands, pensioning Traitors, and rewarding Flatterers, is the whole mystery of Politics, or I am an Idiot.Count.This is the definition of a Partisan not a Politician.Figaro.Party and Politics are much the same, they are become synonimous terms.Count.(Aside) Since he is so willing to go to Paris, Susan has said nothing.Figaro.’Tis now my turn to attack. (Aside.)Count.And—I suppose thou wilt take thy Wife with thee—to Paris?Figaro.No—no—I should be obliged to quit her so frequently, that I am afraid the Cares of the marriage state would lie too heavy on my head (significantly.)Count.Susan has betrayed me. (Aside.)Figaro.(Aside) He does not like the retort.(The Count smiles, approaches Figaro with great familiarity, and leans upon his shoulder—By-play between the Count and Figaro.)Count.The time was, Figaro, when thou wert more open—Formerly thou wouldst tell me any thing.Figaro.And at present I conceal nothing.Count.What can be the Countess’s motives—(The Count puts his arm round Figaro’s neck—By-play again)—I—Thou seest I anticipate her wishes, load her with presents——Figaro.Will give her any thing but yourself—Of what worth are Trinkets when we are in want of Necessaries?Count.Come, come; be sincere—Tell me—How much did the Countess give thee for this last plot?Figaro.As much as your Lordship gave me for helping you to steal her from her old jealous Guardian—“A noble Lord should not endeavour to degrade an honest Servant, lest he should make him a Knave.”Count.But wherefore is there continually some Mystery in thy conduct?Figaro.Because the Conduct of others is mysterious.Count.Appearances, my dear Figaro, really speak thee a great Knave.Figaro.(Looking round at the Count’s hand upon his shoulders, and observing his familiarity)—Appearances, my dear Lord, are frequently false—I am much better than I appear to be-Can the Great in general say as much?—(Aside)—Take that.Count.Yes, yes; she has told him. (Aside.)Figaro.“I shall content myself, my Lord, with the portion your Lordship has promised me on my Marriage, and the place of Stewardof this Castle, with which you have honoured me, and willingly remain with my Wife here in Andalusia, far from troubles and intrigue.Count.“But thou hast Abilities, and might rise to Preferment.Figaro.“Preferred by my Abilities my Lord!——Your Lordship is pleased to laugh at me.”Count.Yes, yes; Susan has betrayed me, and my Gentleman marries Marcelina. (Aside.)Figaro.He has been angling for Gudgeons, and what has he caught? (Aside.)Enter aSERVANT.Servant.Don Guzman and the Counsellors are without.Count.Let them wait.Figaro.(Ironically) Aye, let them wait. (Exit Serv.)Count.And dost thou expect to gain thy Cause?Figaro.With the assistance of Justice and my Lord’s good wishes, who respects Youth too much himself to force others to wed with Age.Count.A Judge knows no distinction of persons.Figaro.“Well—Time, say the Italians, is a valiant Fellow, and tells Truth”—But what was it your Lordship was pleased to send for me for?Count.For—(Somewhat embarrassed) To see these benches and chairs set in order.Figaro.That is already done, my Lord. Here is the great chair for your Lordship, a seat for the President, a table and stool for his Clerk, two benches for the Lawyers, the middle for the Beau monde, and the Mob in the back ground. (Exit.)Count.He is too cunning; I can get nothing out of him; but they certainly understand each other.—They may toy and be as loving as they please, but as for wedding—EnterSUSAN.(She comes up to the Count’s elbow while he is speaking, and is surprized to see him in such an ill humour.)Susan.My Lord!Count.My Lady!Susan.My Lady has sent me for your Lordship’s smelling-bottle; she has got the vapours.Count.Here; and when she has done with it, borrow it for yourself,—it may be useful.Susan.I the vapours, my Lord! Oh no, that’s too polite a disease for a Servant to pretend to!Count.Fits may come;—Love so violent as yours cannot bear disappointment; and when Figaro marries Marcelina—Susan.Oh, suppose the worst, my Lord, we can pay Marcelina with the Portion your Lordship has promised us!Count.I promis’d you a portion?Susan.If my ears did not deceive me, I understood as much.Count.Yes, if you had pleas’d tounderstandme, but since you do not.—Susan.(Pretending bashfulness) It’s always soon enough to own one’s weakness, my Lord.Count.(with an instant change of countenance) What! Wilt thou take a walk this evening in the garden, by the Pavilion?Susan.Don’t I take Walks every evening, my Lord?Count.Nay, nay, but let us understand each other—No Pavilion, no Marriage.Susan.And no Marriage, no Pavilion, my Lord! (curtsying)Count.What a witty little Devil! I wonder what she does to fascinate me so!—But prithee tell me why hast thou always, till now, refused with such obstinacy? This very Morning, thou knowest——Susan.This Morning, my Lord!—What, and the Page behind the Great-chair!Count.Oh, true! I had forgot!—But when Basil has spoken to thee in my behalf.—Susan.Is it necessary, my Lord, such a knave as Basil should know every thing that passes?Count.She is right again!—But—(Suspicious) thou wilt go, now, and tell Figaro all.Susan.To be sure, my Lord. I always tell him all—except what is necessary to conceal.Count.Ah the Hussey! What a charming little Knave it is! Run, run to thy Mistress; she is waiting, and may suspect us.Susan.(Hesitating) So your Lordship can’t perceive that I only wanted a pretext to speak to your Lordship.(The Count unable to conceal his transport, is going to kiss her, but hears somebody coming, and they separate)Count.(As he turns.) She absolutely bewitches me! I had sworn to think no more of her, but she winds me just as she pleases!(The Count goes off, and Figaro enters, but the Count hearing Figaro’s Voice, returns and peeps)Figaro.Well, my Susan, what does he say?Susan.Hush! Hush! He is just gone—Thou hast gained thy Cause—Run, run, run.(Exit Susan, running, Figaro following.)Figaro.Well, but how, how, my Charmer?(Exeunt.)Re-enterCOUNT.Count.Thou hast gained thy Cause—Aha! And is it so, my pair of Knaves!—Am I your Dupe then?—A very pretty Net! But the Cuckoo is not caught—Come!—Proceed we to judgment! (With passion) Be we just!—Cool!—Impartial!—Inflexible—(Exit.)EnterDon GUZMAN, MARCELINA,andDOCTOR.Marcelina.I shall be happy, Mr. President, to explain the justice of my Cause.Doctor.To shew you on what grounds this Lady proceeds.D. Guzman.(Stuttering) We-e-e-ell, le-et us exa-a-mine the matter ve-erbally.Marcelina.There is a promise of Marriage——Guzman.I co-o-o-ompre—hend! Gi-i-iven by you-ou-ou—to—Marcelina.No, Mr. President, giventome.Guz.I co-o-o-omprehend! Gi-iventoyou.Marcelina.And a sum of Money which I——Guzman.I co-o-o-omprehend! Which you-ou ha-ave received.Marcelina.No, Mr. President, which I have lent.Guzman.I co-o-o-omprehend!—It is re-e-paid.Marcelina.No, Mr. President, it isnotrepaid.Guzman.I co-o-o-omprehend—The m-m-man would marry you to pay his de-de-de-bts.Marcelina.No, Mr. President, he would neither marry me,norpay his debts.Guzman.D-d—do you think I d-d-d-don’t co-o-omprehend you?Doctor.And are you, Mr. President, to judge this Cause?Guzman.T-t-t-to be sure—Wha-at else did I purchase my Place for thi-ink you, (Laughs stupidly at the supposed folly of the Question) And where is the De-fe-e-endant?EnterFIGARO.Figaro.Here, at your service.Doctor.Yes, that’s the Knave.Figaro.Perhaps I interrupt you.Guzman.“Ha-ave not I see-een you before, young Man?Figaro.“Oh yes, Mr. President, I once served your Lady.Guzman.“How lo-ong since?Figaro.“Nine months before the birth of her last Child—And a fine Boy it is, though I say it.Guzman.“Y-es—He’s the F-flower of the Flock”—And the cau-ause betwee-een—Figaro.A Bagatelle, Mr. President! A Bagatelle.Guzman.(Laughs.) A Ba-ag-a-telle! A pro-o-mise of Ma-a-arriage a Ba-a-gatelle! Ha! ha! ha!——And dost thou hope to ca-ast the Pla-aintiff?Figaro.To be sure, Mr. President! You being one of the Judges.Guzman.(With stupid dignity) Ye-e-es! I am one of the Judges!—Hast thou see-een D-D-Doublefee, my Se-ecretary?Figaro.Yes, Mr. President! That’s a duty not to be neglected.Guzman.The young Fellow is not so si-i-imple I thought.Enter Cryer of the Court, Guards, Count, Counsellors and Vassals.Cryer.Make room there, for my Lord, the Count.Count.Wherefore in your Robes, Don Guzman? It was unnecessary for a mere domestic matter like this.Guzman.Pa-a-ardon me, my Lord!“Those who would tre-e-emble at the Clerk of the Court in his Robes, would la-augh at the Judge without ’em.”Forms! Forms! are sacred things.(The Count and the Court seat themselves.)Count.Call silence in the Court.Cryer.Silence in the Court.Guzman.Read “over the Causes”, D-D-Doublefee.Doublefee.“The Count de los Altos Montes di Agnas Frescas, Señor di Montes Fieros, y otros Montes, Plaintiff, against Alonzo Calderon, a Comic Poet. The question at present before the Court, is, to know the Author of a Comedy that has been damned; which they mutually disavow and attribute to each other.Count.“They are both very right in mutually disavowing it; and be it decreed, that if, hereafter, they should produce a successful Piece, its Fame shall appertain to the Count, and its Merit to the Poet—The next.Doublefee.“Diego Macho, Day-labourer, Plaintiff, against Gil-Perez-Borcado, Tax-gatherer, and receiver of the Gabels, for having violently dispossessed the said Diego Macho, Day-labourer, of his Cow.Count.“This Cause does not come within myJurisdiction; but as it is probable the Day-labourer will never obtain Justice; do thou see, Figaro, that another Cow be sent him; lest his Family should be starved—The next.”Doublefee.Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, Spinster, Plaintiff, against—(To Figaro) Here’s no surname!Figaro.Anonymous.Guzman.Ano-o-onymous—I never heard the Name before!Doublefee.Against Figaro Anonymous. What Profession?Figaro.Gentleman.Count.Gentleman!Figaro.I might have been born a Prince, if Heaven had pleased.Doublefee.Against Figaro Anonymous, Gentleman, Defendant. The Question before the Court relates to a promise of Marriage; the Parties have retained no Council, contrary to the ancient and established practice of Courts.Figaro.What occasion for Council? A race ofGentlemen who arealways so very learned, they know every thing, except their Briefs! Who insolently interrogate Modesty and Timidity, and endeavour, by confusing, to make Honesty forswear itself; and, after having laboured for hours, with all legal prolixity, to perplex self-evident Propositions, and bewilder the understandings of the Judges, sit down as proud as if they had just pronounced a Phillipic of Demosthenes—(Addressing himself to the Court) My Lord, and Gentlemen—The Question before the Court is——Doublefee.(Interrupting him) It is not you to speak, you are the Defendant——Who pleads for the Plaintiff?Doctor.I.Doublefee.You! A Physician turn Lawyer?—Figaro.Oh yes, and equally skilful in both.Count.Read the Promise of Marriage, Doctor.Guzman.Re-e-ead the Pro-o-omise of Marriage.Doctor.(Reads) I acknowledge to have received of Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, the sum of two thousand Piasters, in the Castle of Count Almaviva, which sum I promise to repay to the said Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio,andto marry her. Signed, Figaro. (Addressing himself to the Count) My Lord, and Gentlemen! Hem! Never did cause more interesting, more intricate, or in which the Interest of Mankind, their Rights, Properties, Lives and Liberties were more materially involved, ever claim the profound Attention of this most learned, most honourable Court, and from the time of Alexander the Great, who promised to espouse the beauteous Thalestris——Count.Stop, most formidable Orator; and ere you proceed, enquire whether the Defendant does not contest the validity of your Deed.Guzman.(To Figaro) Do you co-ontest the va-va-va-va-lidity of the Dee-eed?Figaro.My Lord and Gentlemen! Hem! There is in this Case, either Fraud, Error, Malice, or mischievous Intention, for the Words of the Acknowledgment are, I promise to repay the said Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, the said sum of two thousand Piastersorto marry her, which is very different.Doctor.I affirm it is AND.Figaro.I affirm it is OR.Doctor.Well, suppose it.Figaro.No Supposition, I will have it granted.Count.Clerk, Read you the Promise.Guzman.Re-e-ead the P-P-P-Promise, D-D-D-Double-fee.Doublefee.(Reads) I acknowledge to have received of Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, the sum of two thousand Piasters, in the Castle of Count Almaviva, which sum I promise to repay the said Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio,and—or—and—or—or—The Word is blotted.Doctor.No matter; the Sense of the Phrase is equally clear. This learned Court is not now to be informed the word or particle, Or, hath various significations—It meansotherwiseandeither—It likewise meansbefore—For example, in the language of the Poet.Or’ere the Sun decline the western Sky,’Tis Fate’s decree the Victims all must die.Figaro.This was the language of Prophesy, and spoken of the Doctor’s own Patients.Count.“Silence in the Court.Crier.“Silence in the Court.Doctor.“Hence then, I clearly deduce (granting the word to beOr) the Defendant doth hereby promise, not only to pay the Plaintiff, but marry herbeforehe pays her—Again, the wordOrdoth sometimes signifyWherefore, as another great and learned Poet hath it,“Orhow could heav’nly Justice damn us all,Who ne’er consented to our Father’s Fall?“That iswherefore? For what reason couldheavenly Justice do such an unjust thing? Let us then substitute the adverbWherefore, and the intent and meaning of the Promise will be incontestable; for, after reciting an acknowledgement of the debt, it concludes with the remarkable words,Orto marry her, that is, wherefore, for which reason, out of gratitude, for the Favour above done me,I will marry her.Figaro.“Oh most celebrated Doctor? Most poetic Quibbler!“Hark with what florid Impotence he speaks,And as his Malice prompts, the Puppet squeaks,Orat the ear of Eve, familiar Toad,Half froth, half venom, spits himself abroadIn legal Puns,orQuibbles, Quirks,orLies,OrSpite,orTaunts,orRhymes,orBlasphemies.“What think you we know not Quotations, and Poets, andAnds, andOrs, andWhys, andWherefores.“What DroporNostrum, can such Plagues remove,Orwhich must end me, a Fool’s Wrath—OrLove?(Pointing first to the Doctor, and then to Marcelina)“We have neither forgot our Reading nor our Syntax, but can easily translate a dull Knave into a palpable Fool—”My Lord, and Gentlemen, You hear his Sophisms, Poetical, and Conundrums, Grammatical.Count.Yes, yes, we hear.(Count and the Counsellors rise and consult together.)Antonio.I’m glad they have put an end to your prating.Marcelina.Their Whisperings and wise Grimaces forebode me no good. That Susan has corrupted the chief Judge, and he is corrupting all the others.Doctor.It looks devilish like it.(The Count and Counsellors resume their seats.)Doublefee.Silence in the Court.Crier.Silence in the Court.Count.The judgment of the Court is, that since the validity of the promise of Marriage is not well established, Figaro is permitted to dispose of his Person.Figaro.The Day’s my own.Marcelina.I thought how it would be.Count.But as the Acknowledgement clearly expresses the words,Which sum I promise to pay the said Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, or to marry her, the said Figaro stands condemned to pay the two thousand Piasters to the Plaintiff, or marry her in the course of the Day.Figaro.I’m undone!Marcelina.I am happy!Count.And I am revenged!Antonio.Thank your noble Lordship! Most humbly thank your noble Lordship!—Ah ha! I’m glad thou art not to marry my Niece! I’ll go and tell her the good news!(Exit.)Crier.Clear the Court.(Exeunt Guards, Counsellors, and Vassals.Manent Don Guzman, Figaro, Marcelina and Dr. Bartholo.Figaro.’Tis this Furze-ball, this Fungus of a President that has lost me my Cause.Guzman.I a F-F-Furze-ball and a F-F-Fungus!Figaro.(Sits down dejected) I will never marry her.Guzman.Thou mu-ust ma-arry her.Figaro.What! Without the Consent of my noble Parents?Count.(Returning) Where are they? Who are they?—He will still complain of injustice—Name them.Figaro.Allow me time, my Lord—I must first know where to find them, and yet it ought not to be long, for I have been seeking them these five Years.Doctor.What! A Foundling?Figaro.No Foundling, but stolen from my Parents.Count.Poh! This is too palpable.(Exit Count)Figaro.Had I no other Proof of my Birth than the precious Stones, Ring, and Jewels found upon me, these would be sufficient—but I bear the Mark——(He is going to shew his Arm.)Marcelina.Of a Lobster on your left Arm.Figaro.How do you know that?Marcelina.’Tis he himself!Figaro.“Yes, it’s me myself.”Marcelina.’Tis Fernando!Doctor.Thou wert stolen away by Gypsies.Figaro.By Gypsies!—Oh Doctor, if thou can’st but restore me to my illustrious Parents,“Mountainsof Gold will not sufficiently speak their gratitude.”Doctor.Behold thy Mother.(Pointing to Marcelina.)Figaro.Nurse, you mean!Doctor.Thy own Mother!Figaro.Explain!Marcelina.And there behold thy Father.(Pointing to the Doctor.)Figaro.He, my Father! Oh Lord! Oh Lord! Oh Lord! (Stamps about.)Guzman.(With great wisdom) It will be no m-m-match—that’s evi-dent.Marcelina.Hast thou not felt Nature pleading within thee, at sight of me?Figaro.Never.Marcelina. This was the secret cause of all my Fondness for thee.Figaro.No doubt—And of my aversion—Instinct is very powerful.Marcelina.Come to my arms, my dear, my long lost Child.(Figaro and Marcelina embrace, the Doctor leans against the Benches.)EnterANTONIOandSUSAN.(The latter runs to find the Count)Susan.(In great Agitation) Oh, where is my Lord? Here is the Money to pay Marcelina with! The Portion which my noble and generous Lady has given me!Antonio.(pulling Susan, and pointing to Figaro, who kisses Marcelina.) Here! here! Look this way!(Susan, at seeing them embrace becomes furious, and is going away, Figaro runs and brings her back.)Figaro.Stop, stop, my Susan.Susan.I have seen enough—Since you are so fond of her, pray marry her.Figaro.Thou art mistaken.Susan.No, I am not mistaken.(Gives him a slap in the face.)Figaro.(Rubbing his Cheek) “This is Love—Pshaw! Prithee come hither, look at that Lady—How dost thou like her?Susan.“Not at all.Figaro.“Well said Jealousy, she does not mince the Matter.”Marcelina.Dear Susan, this, this is my Son!Figaro.“Yes, they wanted me to marry my Mother.”Antonio.“Your Mother!——It is not long since——Figaro.“I have known it—True.”Marcelina.Yes, my dearest Susan, embrace thy Mother—Thy Mother, who will love thee dearly.Susan.And do you consent I shall have my Figaro?Marcelina.Willingly. (Susan runs and kisses her) Here, my Son, here is the Promise.(Gives him the Paper.)Susan.And here is the Portion.(Gives him a Purse of Money.)Figaro.“My manly Pride would fain make me restrain my tears, but they flew in spite of me—Well, let ’em! Let ’em flow! Joys like these never come twice in one’s Life! Oh, my Mother, Oh, my Susan!”(They all three embrace, weeping.)Guzman.(weeping.) What a Foo-oo-ool am I! L-L-Look, if I don’t k-k-k-cry as well as the best of ’em.Figaro.(to the Doctor) My Father.Doctor.Keep off! I disclaim thee!Antonio.Why then, if you are his Father, you are a Turkish Jew, and no Christian Father.Doctor.A Knave that tricked me of my Ward, cheated me of my Money, and now has been turning my Wisdom into ridicule.Susan.And are not you, being a wise Man, proud to have a Son wiser than yourself?Doctor.No—I would have no one wiser than myself.Antonio.Come, come, look you, I am“a good Catholic, and”an old Castilian, therefore, unless your Father and Mother become lawful Man and Wife, I will never consent to give you my Niece. No, no, she sha’n’t marry a man who is the child of Nobody, neither.Guzman.Here’s an old Fool!—The Child of Nobody, Ha! ha! ha! (Laughs stupidly, and then assumes great Wisdom) Hav’n’t you lived long enough to know that every Child must have a Father?Marcelina.“Consider, good Doctor, your Promise, if ever our Child was found.Doctor.“Pshaw!Marcelina.“And here is a Son you surely need not be ashamed of.Susan.“Ah my dear Pappa!Figaro.“My generous, worthy Father.(Susan strokes his Cheek, Figaro kneels, and Marcelina coaxes him.)Susan.“You don’t know how we will all love you.Marcelina.“What care we will take of you.Figaro.“How happy we will make you.Doctor.“Good Doctor, dear Pappa, generous Father! (Bursts out a crying) See, if I am not evena greater Foo-oo-ool than Mr. President! (Guzman staggers back at the Doctor’s Compliment) they mould me like Dough, lead me like a Child. (Marcelina, Susan, and Figaro testify their Joy by their Actions.) Nay, nay, but I hav’n’t yet said yes.Susan.“But you have thought yes.Marcelina.“And look’d yes.Figaro.“Come, come, we must be quick; let us run and find the Count, otherwise he will invent some new pretext to break off the Match.(Exeunt Doctor, Marcelina, Figaro and Susan.)Manent DonGUZMAN.Guzman.“A greater Foo-oo-ool than Mr. President!—The People in this House are truly very stupid and ill bred.”(Exit.)End ofACTIII.

ACT III.

SCENE, the Great Hall.

(A Judge’s Chair, four other Chairs, Benches with red Baize, a Table and a Stool, with Pen, Ink and Paper.)

Enter theCOUNT,dressed, and aSERVANT,booted.

Count.

Ride to Seville with all speed; enquire if the Page has joined his Regiment, and at what o’clock precisely he arrived; give him this Commission, and return like lightening.

Servant.And if he is not there—

Count.Return still quicker.—Go; fly!——(Exit Servant)—I was wrong to send Basil out of the way—He might have been very serviceable—But Anger was never wise—I scarcely know at present what I wish—When once the Passions have obtained the Mastery, there is no Mind, however consistent, but becomes as wild and incongruous as a Dream—If the Countess, Susan, and Figaro should understand each other and plot to betray me!—If the Pagewasshut up in her dressing-room—Oh! no!—The Respect she bears herself—my Honor!—My Honor? And in my Wife’s keeping?—Honor in a Woman’s possession, like Ice Cream in the mouth, melts away ina contest of Pleasure and Pain—I will sound Figaro, however.

EnterFIGARO,behind.

Figaro.Here am I. (Aside.)

Count.And if I have reason to suppose them plotting against me, he shall marry Marcelina.

Figaro.Perhaps not. (Aside.)

Count.But in that case, what must Susan be?

Figaro.My Wife, if you please.—

(Figaro’s eagerness occasions him to speak aloud——The Count turns round astonished.)

Count.My Wife, if you please!—To whom did you say my Wife, if you please?

Figaro.To—to—to—That is—They were the last words of a sentence I was saying to one of the Servants—Go and tell so and so to—my Wife, if you please.

Count.Your Wife!—Zounds, you are very fond of your Wife.

Figaro.I love to be singular.

Count.You have made me wait for you here a long while.

Figaro.I have been changing my Stockings, which I dirtied in the fall.

Count.Servants, I think, are longer dressing than their Masters.

Figaro.Well they may—They are obliged to dress themselves.

Count.If in sifting my Gentleman, I find him unwilling to go to France, I may conclude Susan has betrayed me. (Aside.)

Figaro.He has mischief in his head, but I’ll watch his motions. (Aside.)

Count.(Approaches Figaro with familiarity)—Thou knowest, Figaro, it was my intention to have taken thee with me on my Embassy to Paris, but I believe thou dost not understand French.

Figaro.Perfectly.

Count.Indeed!—Let’s hear.—(Figaro pulls out his purse and jingles it)—Is that all the French thou understandest?

Figaro.All!—Is not that enough, think you, my Lord?—That’s a Language understood in every corner of the habitable Earth, and in no place better than in Paris.—“Your Philosophers, who lament the loss of an universal Language, are Fools—They always carry one in their pockets.”As for a knowledge of French, my Lord, I maintain,s’il vous plait, and a Purse are all that’s necessary—Let but the sound of Silver jingle in a Frenchman’s ears, and he will instantly understand your meaning, be it what it will.—“If you have a Law-suit, and wish to gain your Cause, go to the Judge, pull off your Hat, and pull out your Purse; smile, shake it, and pronounce,s’il vous plait, Monsieur—

Count.“And your Adversary is overthrown.Figaro.“Undoubtedly—Unless he understands French still better than you—Do you wish theFriendshipof a great Lord, or a great Lady, its still the same—Chink, chink, ands’il vous plait, Monseigneur—S’il vous plait, Madame—The French are a very witty People!—Amazingly quick of apprehension!—Therefore, my Lord, if you have no other reason than this for leaving me behind—”

Count.“And your Adversary is overthrown.

Figaro.“Undoubtedly—Unless he understands French still better than you—Do you wish theFriendshipof a great Lord, or a great Lady, its still the same—Chink, chink, ands’il vous plait, Monseigneur—S’il vous plait, Madame—The French are a very witty People!—Amazingly quick of apprehension!—Therefore, my Lord, if you have no other reason than this for leaving me behind—”

Count.But thou art no Politician.

Figaro.Pardon me, my Lord, I am as great a master of Politics——

Count.As thou art of French.

Figaro.Oh, my Lord, the thing is so easy—He must be a Fool indeed who could find his vanity flattered by his skill in Politics—To appear always deeply concerned for the good of the State, yet to have no other end but Self-interest; to assemble and say Nothing; to pretend vast Secrecy where there is nothing to conceal; to shut yourself up in your Chamber, and mend your pen or pick your Teeth, while your Footmen inform the attending Croud you are too busy to be approach’d—this, with the art of intercepting Letters, imitating Hands, pensioning Traitors, and rewarding Flatterers, is the whole mystery of Politics, or I am an Idiot.

Count.This is the definition of a Partisan not a Politician.

Figaro.Party and Politics are much the same, they are become synonimous terms.

Count.(Aside) Since he is so willing to go to Paris, Susan has said nothing.

Figaro.’Tis now my turn to attack. (Aside.)

Count.And—I suppose thou wilt take thy Wife with thee—to Paris?

Figaro.No—no—I should be obliged to quit her so frequently, that I am afraid the Cares of the marriage state would lie too heavy on my head (significantly.)

Count.Susan has betrayed me. (Aside.)

Figaro.(Aside) He does not like the retort.

(The Count smiles, approaches Figaro with great familiarity, and leans upon his shoulder—By-play between the Count and Figaro.)

Count.The time was, Figaro, when thou wert more open—Formerly thou wouldst tell me any thing.

Figaro.And at present I conceal nothing.

Count.What can be the Countess’s motives—(The Count puts his arm round Figaro’s neck—By-play again)—I—Thou seest I anticipate her wishes, load her with presents——

Figaro.Will give her any thing but yourself—Of what worth are Trinkets when we are in want of Necessaries?

Count.Come, come; be sincere—Tell me—How much did the Countess give thee for this last plot?

Figaro.As much as your Lordship gave me for helping you to steal her from her old jealous Guardian—“A noble Lord should not endeavour to degrade an honest Servant, lest he should make him a Knave.”

Count.But wherefore is there continually some Mystery in thy conduct?

Figaro.Because the Conduct of others is mysterious.

Count.Appearances, my dear Figaro, really speak thee a great Knave.

Figaro.(Looking round at the Count’s hand upon his shoulders, and observing his familiarity)—Appearances, my dear Lord, are frequently false—I am much better than I appear to be-Can the Great in general say as much?—(Aside)—Take that.

Count.Yes, yes; she has told him. (Aside.)

Figaro.“I shall content myself, my Lord, with the portion your Lordship has promised me on my Marriage, and the place of Stewardof this Castle, with which you have honoured me, and willingly remain with my Wife here in Andalusia, far from troubles and intrigue.Count.“But thou hast Abilities, and might rise to Preferment.Figaro.“Preferred by my Abilities my Lord!——Your Lordship is pleased to laugh at me.”

Count.“But thou hast Abilities, and might rise to Preferment.

Figaro.“Preferred by my Abilities my Lord!——Your Lordship is pleased to laugh at me.”

Count.Yes, yes; Susan has betrayed me, and my Gentleman marries Marcelina. (Aside.)

Figaro.He has been angling for Gudgeons, and what has he caught? (Aside.)

Enter aSERVANT.

Servant.Don Guzman and the Counsellors are without.

Count.Let them wait.

Figaro.(Ironically) Aye, let them wait. (Exit Serv.)

Count.And dost thou expect to gain thy Cause?

Figaro.With the assistance of Justice and my Lord’s good wishes, who respects Youth too much himself to force others to wed with Age.

Count.A Judge knows no distinction of persons.

Figaro.“Well—Time, say the Italians, is a valiant Fellow, and tells Truth”—But what was it your Lordship was pleased to send for me for?

Count.For—(Somewhat embarrassed) To see these benches and chairs set in order.

Figaro.That is already done, my Lord. Here is the great chair for your Lordship, a seat for the President, a table and stool for his Clerk, two benches for the Lawyers, the middle for the Beau monde, and the Mob in the back ground. (Exit.)

Count.He is too cunning; I can get nothing out of him; but they certainly understand each other.—They may toy and be as loving as they please, but as for wedding—

EnterSUSAN.

(She comes up to the Count’s elbow while he is speaking, and is surprized to see him in such an ill humour.)

Susan.My Lord!

Count.My Lady!

Susan.My Lady has sent me for your Lordship’s smelling-bottle; she has got the vapours.

Count.Here; and when she has done with it, borrow it for yourself,—it may be useful.

Susan.I the vapours, my Lord! Oh no, that’s too polite a disease for a Servant to pretend to!

Count.Fits may come;—Love so violent as yours cannot bear disappointment; and when Figaro marries Marcelina—

Susan.Oh, suppose the worst, my Lord, we can pay Marcelina with the Portion your Lordship has promised us!

Count.I promis’d you a portion?

Susan.If my ears did not deceive me, I understood as much.

Count.Yes, if you had pleas’d tounderstandme, but since you do not.—

Susan.(Pretending bashfulness) It’s always soon enough to own one’s weakness, my Lord.

Count.(with an instant change of countenance) What! Wilt thou take a walk this evening in the garden, by the Pavilion?

Susan.Don’t I take Walks every evening, my Lord?

Count.Nay, nay, but let us understand each other—No Pavilion, no Marriage.

Susan.And no Marriage, no Pavilion, my Lord! (curtsying)

Count.What a witty little Devil! I wonder what she does to fascinate me so!—But prithee tell me why hast thou always, till now, refused with such obstinacy? This very Morning, thou knowest——

Susan.This Morning, my Lord!—What, and the Page behind the Great-chair!

Count.Oh, true! I had forgot!—But when Basil has spoken to thee in my behalf.—

Susan.Is it necessary, my Lord, such a knave as Basil should know every thing that passes?

Count.She is right again!—But—(Suspicious) thou wilt go, now, and tell Figaro all.

Susan.To be sure, my Lord. I always tell him all—except what is necessary to conceal.

Count.Ah the Hussey! What a charming little Knave it is! Run, run to thy Mistress; she is waiting, and may suspect us.

Susan.(Hesitating) So your Lordship can’t perceive that I only wanted a pretext to speak to your Lordship.

(The Count unable to conceal his transport, is going to kiss her, but hears somebody coming, and they separate)

Count.(As he turns.) She absolutely bewitches me! I had sworn to think no more of her, but she winds me just as she pleases!

(The Count goes off, and Figaro enters, but the Count hearing Figaro’s Voice, returns and peeps)

Figaro.Well, my Susan, what does he say?

Susan.Hush! Hush! He is just gone—Thou hast gained thy Cause—Run, run, run.

(Exit Susan, running, Figaro following.)

Figaro.Well, but how, how, my Charmer?

(Exeunt.)

Re-enterCOUNT.

Count.Thou hast gained thy Cause—Aha! And is it so, my pair of Knaves!—Am I your Dupe then?—A very pretty Net! But the Cuckoo is not caught—Come!—Proceed we to judgment! (With passion) Be we just!—Cool!—Impartial!—Inflexible—

(Exit.)

EnterDon GUZMAN, MARCELINA,andDOCTOR.

Marcelina.I shall be happy, Mr. President, to explain the justice of my Cause.

Doctor.To shew you on what grounds this Lady proceeds.

D. Guzman.(Stuttering) We-e-e-ell, le-et us exa-a-mine the matter ve-erbally.

Marcelina.There is a promise of Marriage——

Guzman.I co-o-o-ompre—hend! Gi-i-iven by you-ou-ou—to—

Marcelina.No, Mr. President, giventome.

Guz.I co-o-o-omprehend! Gi-iventoyou.

Marcelina.And a sum of Money which I——

Guzman.I co-o-o-omprehend! Which you-ou ha-ave received.

Marcelina.No, Mr. President, which I have lent.

Guzman.I co-o-o-omprehend!—It is re-e-paid.

Marcelina.No, Mr. President, it isnotrepaid.

Guzman.I co-o-o-omprehend—The m-m-man would marry you to pay his de-de-de-bts.

Marcelina.No, Mr. President, he would neither marry me,norpay his debts.

Guzman.D-d—do you think I d-d-d-don’t co-o-omprehend you?

Doctor.And are you, Mr. President, to judge this Cause?

Guzman.T-t-t-to be sure—Wha-at else did I purchase my Place for thi-ink you, (Laughs stupidly at the supposed folly of the Question) And where is the De-fe-e-endant?

EnterFIGARO.

Figaro.Here, at your service.

Doctor.Yes, that’s the Knave.

Figaro.Perhaps I interrupt you.

Guzman.“Ha-ave not I see-een you before, young Man?Figaro.“Oh yes, Mr. President, I once served your Lady.Guzman.“How lo-ong since?Figaro.“Nine months before the birth of her last Child—And a fine Boy it is, though I say it.

Guzman.“Ha-ave not I see-een you before, young Man?

Figaro.“Oh yes, Mr. President, I once served your Lady.

Guzman.“How lo-ong since?

Figaro.“Nine months before the birth of her last Child—And a fine Boy it is, though I say it.

Guzman.“Y-es—He’s the F-flower of the Flock”—And the cau-ause betwee-een—

Figaro.A Bagatelle, Mr. President! A Bagatelle.

Guzman.(Laughs.) A Ba-ag-a-telle! A pro-o-mise of Ma-a-arriage a Ba-a-gatelle! Ha! ha! ha!——And dost thou hope to ca-ast the Pla-aintiff?

Figaro.To be sure, Mr. President! You being one of the Judges.

Guzman.(With stupid dignity) Ye-e-es! I am one of the Judges!—Hast thou see-een D-D-Doublefee, my Se-ecretary?

Figaro.Yes, Mr. President! That’s a duty not to be neglected.

Guzman.The young Fellow is not so si-i-imple I thought.

Enter Cryer of the Court, Guards, Count, Counsellors and Vassals.

Cryer.Make room there, for my Lord, the Count.

Count.Wherefore in your Robes, Don Guzman? It was unnecessary for a mere domestic matter like this.

Guzman.Pa-a-ardon me, my Lord!“Those who would tre-e-emble at the Clerk of the Court in his Robes, would la-augh at the Judge without ’em.”Forms! Forms! are sacred things.

(The Count and the Court seat themselves.)

Count.Call silence in the Court.

Cryer.Silence in the Court.

Guzman.Read “over the Causes”, D-D-Doublefee.

Doublefee.“The Count de los Altos Montes di Agnas Frescas, Señor di Montes Fieros, y otros Montes, Plaintiff, against Alonzo Calderon, a Comic Poet. The question at present before the Court, is, to know the Author of a Comedy that has been damned; which they mutually disavow and attribute to each other.Count.“They are both very right in mutually disavowing it; and be it decreed, that if, hereafter, they should produce a successful Piece, its Fame shall appertain to the Count, and its Merit to the Poet—The next.Doublefee.“Diego Macho, Day-labourer, Plaintiff, against Gil-Perez-Borcado, Tax-gatherer, and receiver of the Gabels, for having violently dispossessed the said Diego Macho, Day-labourer, of his Cow.Count.“This Cause does not come within myJurisdiction; but as it is probable the Day-labourer will never obtain Justice; do thou see, Figaro, that another Cow be sent him; lest his Family should be starved—The next.”

Count.“They are both very right in mutually disavowing it; and be it decreed, that if, hereafter, they should produce a successful Piece, its Fame shall appertain to the Count, and its Merit to the Poet—The next.

Doublefee.“Diego Macho, Day-labourer, Plaintiff, against Gil-Perez-Borcado, Tax-gatherer, and receiver of the Gabels, for having violently dispossessed the said Diego Macho, Day-labourer, of his Cow.

Count.“This Cause does not come within myJurisdiction; but as it is probable the Day-labourer will never obtain Justice; do thou see, Figaro, that another Cow be sent him; lest his Family should be starved—The next.”

Doublefee.Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, Spinster, Plaintiff, against—(To Figaro) Here’s no surname!

Figaro.Anonymous.

Guzman.Ano-o-onymous—I never heard the Name before!

Doublefee.Against Figaro Anonymous. What Profession?

Figaro.Gentleman.

Count.Gentleman!

Figaro.I might have been born a Prince, if Heaven had pleased.

Doublefee.Against Figaro Anonymous, Gentleman, Defendant. The Question before the Court relates to a promise of Marriage; the Parties have retained no Council, contrary to the ancient and established practice of Courts.

Figaro.What occasion for Council? A race ofGentlemen who arealways so very learned, they know every thing, except their Briefs! Who insolently interrogate Modesty and Timidity, and endeavour, by confusing, to make Honesty forswear itself; and, after having laboured for hours, with all legal prolixity, to perplex self-evident Propositions, and bewilder the understandings of the Judges, sit down as proud as if they had just pronounced a Phillipic of Demosthenes—(Addressing himself to the Court) My Lord, and Gentlemen—The Question before the Court is——

Doublefee.(Interrupting him) It is not you to speak, you are the Defendant——Who pleads for the Plaintiff?

Doctor.I.

Doublefee.You! A Physician turn Lawyer?—

Figaro.Oh yes, and equally skilful in both.

Count.Read the Promise of Marriage, Doctor.

Guzman.Re-e-ead the Pro-o-omise of Marriage.

Doctor.(Reads) I acknowledge to have received of Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, the sum of two thousand Piasters, in the Castle of Count Almaviva, which sum I promise to repay to the said Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio,andto marry her. Signed, Figaro. (Addressing himself to the Count) My Lord, and Gentlemen! Hem! Never did cause more interesting, more intricate, or in which the Interest of Mankind, their Rights, Properties, Lives and Liberties were more materially involved, ever claim the profound Attention of this most learned, most honourable Court, and from the time of Alexander the Great, who promised to espouse the beauteous Thalestris——

Count.Stop, most formidable Orator; and ere you proceed, enquire whether the Defendant does not contest the validity of your Deed.

Guzman.(To Figaro) Do you co-ontest the va-va-va-va-lidity of the Dee-eed?

Figaro.My Lord and Gentlemen! Hem! There is in this Case, either Fraud, Error, Malice, or mischievous Intention, for the Words of the Acknowledgment are, I promise to repay the said Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, the said sum of two thousand Piastersorto marry her, which is very different.

Doctor.I affirm it is AND.

Figaro.I affirm it is OR.

Doctor.Well, suppose it.

Figaro.No Supposition, I will have it granted.

Count.Clerk, Read you the Promise.

Guzman.Re-e-ead the P-P-P-Promise, D-D-D-Double-fee.

Doublefee.(Reads) I acknowledge to have received of Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, the sum of two thousand Piasters, in the Castle of Count Almaviva, which sum I promise to repay the said Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio,and—or—and—or—or—The Word is blotted.

Doctor.No matter; the Sense of the Phrase is equally clear. This learned Court is not now to be informed the word or particle, Or, hath various significations—It meansotherwiseandeither—It likewise meansbefore—For example, in the language of the Poet.

Or’ere the Sun decline the western Sky,’Tis Fate’s decree the Victims all must die.

Or’ere the Sun decline the western Sky,

’Tis Fate’s decree the Victims all must die.

Figaro.This was the language of Prophesy, and spoken of the Doctor’s own Patients.

Count.“Silence in the Court.Crier.“Silence in the Court.Doctor.“Hence then, I clearly deduce (granting the word to beOr) the Defendant doth hereby promise, not only to pay the Plaintiff, but marry herbeforehe pays her—Again, the wordOrdoth sometimes signifyWherefore, as another great and learned Poet hath it,“Orhow could heav’nly Justice damn us all,Who ne’er consented to our Father’s Fall?“That iswherefore? For what reason couldheavenly Justice do such an unjust thing? Let us then substitute the adverbWherefore, and the intent and meaning of the Promise will be incontestable; for, after reciting an acknowledgement of the debt, it concludes with the remarkable words,Orto marry her, that is, wherefore, for which reason, out of gratitude, for the Favour above done me,I will marry her.Figaro.“Oh most celebrated Doctor? Most poetic Quibbler!“Hark with what florid Impotence he speaks,And as his Malice prompts, the Puppet squeaks,Orat the ear of Eve, familiar Toad,Half froth, half venom, spits himself abroadIn legal Puns,orQuibbles, Quirks,orLies,OrSpite,orTaunts,orRhymes,orBlasphemies.“What think you we know not Quotations, and Poets, andAnds, andOrs, andWhys, andWherefores.“What DroporNostrum, can such Plagues remove,Orwhich must end me, a Fool’s Wrath—OrLove?(Pointing first to the Doctor, and then to Marcelina)

Count.“Silence in the Court.

Crier.“Silence in the Court.

Doctor.“Hence then, I clearly deduce (granting the word to beOr) the Defendant doth hereby promise, not only to pay the Plaintiff, but marry herbeforehe pays her—Again, the wordOrdoth sometimes signifyWherefore, as another great and learned Poet hath it,

“Orhow could heav’nly Justice damn us all,Who ne’er consented to our Father’s Fall?

“Orhow could heav’nly Justice damn us all,

Who ne’er consented to our Father’s Fall?

“That iswherefore? For what reason couldheavenly Justice do such an unjust thing? Let us then substitute the adverbWherefore, and the intent and meaning of the Promise will be incontestable; for, after reciting an acknowledgement of the debt, it concludes with the remarkable words,Orto marry her, that is, wherefore, for which reason, out of gratitude, for the Favour above done me,I will marry her.

Figaro.“Oh most celebrated Doctor? Most poetic Quibbler!

“Hark with what florid Impotence he speaks,And as his Malice prompts, the Puppet squeaks,Orat the ear of Eve, familiar Toad,Half froth, half venom, spits himself abroadIn legal Puns,orQuibbles, Quirks,orLies,OrSpite,orTaunts,orRhymes,orBlasphemies.

“Hark with what florid Impotence he speaks,

And as his Malice prompts, the Puppet squeaks,

Orat the ear of Eve, familiar Toad,

Half froth, half venom, spits himself abroad

In legal Puns,orQuibbles, Quirks,orLies,

OrSpite,orTaunts,orRhymes,orBlasphemies.

“What think you we know not Quotations, and Poets, andAnds, andOrs, andWhys, andWherefores.

“What DroporNostrum, can such Plagues remove,Orwhich must end me, a Fool’s Wrath—OrLove?

“What DroporNostrum, can such Plagues remove,

Orwhich must end me, a Fool’s Wrath—OrLove?

(Pointing first to the Doctor, and then to Marcelina)

“We have neither forgot our Reading nor our Syntax, but can easily translate a dull Knave into a palpable Fool—”My Lord, and Gentlemen, You hear his Sophisms, Poetical, and Conundrums, Grammatical.

Count.Yes, yes, we hear.

(Count and the Counsellors rise and consult together.)

Antonio.I’m glad they have put an end to your prating.

Marcelina.Their Whisperings and wise Grimaces forebode me no good. That Susan has corrupted the chief Judge, and he is corrupting all the others.

Doctor.It looks devilish like it.

(The Count and Counsellors resume their seats.)

Doublefee.Silence in the Court.

Crier.Silence in the Court.

Count.The judgment of the Court is, that since the validity of the promise of Marriage is not well established, Figaro is permitted to dispose of his Person.

Figaro.The Day’s my own.

Marcelina.I thought how it would be.

Count.But as the Acknowledgement clearly expresses the words,Which sum I promise to pay the said Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, or to marry her, the said Figaro stands condemned to pay the two thousand Piasters to the Plaintiff, or marry her in the course of the Day.

Figaro.I’m undone!

Marcelina.I am happy!

Count.And I am revenged!

Antonio.Thank your noble Lordship! Most humbly thank your noble Lordship!—Ah ha! I’m glad thou art not to marry my Niece! I’ll go and tell her the good news!

(Exit.)

Crier.Clear the Court.

(Exeunt Guards, Counsellors, and Vassals.

Manent Don Guzman, Figaro, Marcelina and Dr. Bartholo.

Figaro.’Tis this Furze-ball, this Fungus of a President that has lost me my Cause.

Guzman.I a F-F-Furze-ball and a F-F-Fungus!

Figaro.(Sits down dejected) I will never marry her.

Guzman.Thou mu-ust ma-arry her.

Figaro.What! Without the Consent of my noble Parents?

Count.(Returning) Where are they? Who are they?—He will still complain of injustice—Name them.

Figaro.Allow me time, my Lord—I must first know where to find them, and yet it ought not to be long, for I have been seeking them these five Years.

Doctor.What! A Foundling?

Figaro.No Foundling, but stolen from my Parents.

Count.Poh! This is too palpable.

(Exit Count)

Figaro.Had I no other Proof of my Birth than the precious Stones, Ring, and Jewels found upon me, these would be sufficient—but I bear the Mark——

(He is going to shew his Arm.)

Marcelina.Of a Lobster on your left Arm.

Figaro.How do you know that?

Marcelina.’Tis he himself!

Figaro.“Yes, it’s me myself.”

Marcelina.’Tis Fernando!

Doctor.Thou wert stolen away by Gypsies.

Figaro.By Gypsies!—Oh Doctor, if thou can’st but restore me to my illustrious Parents,“Mountainsof Gold will not sufficiently speak their gratitude.”

Doctor.Behold thy Mother.

(Pointing to Marcelina.)

Figaro.Nurse, you mean!

Doctor.Thy own Mother!

Figaro.Explain!

Marcelina.And there behold thy Father.

(Pointing to the Doctor.)

Figaro.He, my Father! Oh Lord! Oh Lord! Oh Lord! (Stamps about.)

Guzman.(With great wisdom) It will be no m-m-match—that’s evi-dent.

Marcelina.Hast thou not felt Nature pleading within thee, at sight of me?

Figaro.Never.

Marcelina. This was the secret cause of all my Fondness for thee.

Figaro.No doubt—And of my aversion—Instinct is very powerful.

Marcelina.Come to my arms, my dear, my long lost Child.

(Figaro and Marcelina embrace, the Doctor leans against the Benches.)

EnterANTONIOandSUSAN.

(The latter runs to find the Count)

Susan.(In great Agitation) Oh, where is my Lord? Here is the Money to pay Marcelina with! The Portion which my noble and generous Lady has given me!

Antonio.(pulling Susan, and pointing to Figaro, who kisses Marcelina.) Here! here! Look this way!

(Susan, at seeing them embrace becomes furious, and is going away, Figaro runs and brings her back.)

Figaro.Stop, stop, my Susan.

Susan.I have seen enough—Since you are so fond of her, pray marry her.

Figaro.Thou art mistaken.

Susan.No, I am not mistaken.

(Gives him a slap in the face.)

Figaro.(Rubbing his Cheek) “This is Love—Pshaw! Prithee come hither, look at that Lady—How dost thou like her?Susan.“Not at all.Figaro.“Well said Jealousy, she does not mince the Matter.”

Figaro.(Rubbing his Cheek) “This is Love—Pshaw! Prithee come hither, look at that Lady—How dost thou like her?

Susan.“Not at all.

Figaro.“Well said Jealousy, she does not mince the Matter.”

Marcelina.Dear Susan, this, this is my Son!

Figaro.“Yes, they wanted me to marry my Mother.”Antonio.“Your Mother!——It is not long since——Figaro.“I have known it—True.”

Figaro.“Yes, they wanted me to marry my Mother.”

Antonio.“Your Mother!——It is not long since——

Figaro.“I have known it—True.”

Marcelina.Yes, my dearest Susan, embrace thy Mother—Thy Mother, who will love thee dearly.

Susan.And do you consent I shall have my Figaro?

Marcelina.Willingly. (Susan runs and kisses her) Here, my Son, here is the Promise.

(Gives him the Paper.)

Susan.And here is the Portion.

(Gives him a Purse of Money.)

Figaro.“My manly Pride would fain make me restrain my tears, but they flew in spite of me—Well, let ’em! Let ’em flow! Joys like these never come twice in one’s Life! Oh, my Mother, Oh, my Susan!”

(They all three embrace, weeping.)

Guzman.(weeping.) What a Foo-oo-ool am I! L-L-Look, if I don’t k-k-k-cry as well as the best of ’em.

Figaro.(to the Doctor) My Father.

Doctor.Keep off! I disclaim thee!

Antonio.Why then, if you are his Father, you are a Turkish Jew, and no Christian Father.

Doctor.A Knave that tricked me of my Ward, cheated me of my Money, and now has been turning my Wisdom into ridicule.

Susan.And are not you, being a wise Man, proud to have a Son wiser than yourself?

Doctor.No—I would have no one wiser than myself.

Antonio.Come, come, look you, I am“a good Catholic, and”an old Castilian, therefore, unless your Father and Mother become lawful Man and Wife, I will never consent to give you my Niece. No, no, she sha’n’t marry a man who is the child of Nobody, neither.

Guzman.Here’s an old Fool!—The Child of Nobody, Ha! ha! ha! (Laughs stupidly, and then assumes great Wisdom) Hav’n’t you lived long enough to know that every Child must have a Father?

Marcelina.“Consider, good Doctor, your Promise, if ever our Child was found.Doctor.“Pshaw!Marcelina.“And here is a Son you surely need not be ashamed of.Susan.“Ah my dear Pappa!Figaro.“My generous, worthy Father.(Susan strokes his Cheek, Figaro kneels, and Marcelina coaxes him.)Susan.“You don’t know how we will all love you.Marcelina.“What care we will take of you.Figaro.“How happy we will make you.Doctor.“Good Doctor, dear Pappa, generous Father! (Bursts out a crying) See, if I am not evena greater Foo-oo-ool than Mr. President! (Guzman staggers back at the Doctor’s Compliment) they mould me like Dough, lead me like a Child. (Marcelina, Susan, and Figaro testify their Joy by their Actions.) Nay, nay, but I hav’n’t yet said yes.Susan.“But you have thought yes.Marcelina.“And look’d yes.Figaro.“Come, come, we must be quick; let us run and find the Count, otherwise he will invent some new pretext to break off the Match.(Exeunt Doctor, Marcelina, Figaro and Susan.)Manent DonGUZMAN.Guzman.“A greater Foo-oo-ool than Mr. President!—The People in this House are truly very stupid and ill bred.”

Marcelina.“Consider, good Doctor, your Promise, if ever our Child was found.

Doctor.“Pshaw!

Marcelina.“And here is a Son you surely need not be ashamed of.

Susan.“Ah my dear Pappa!

Figaro.“My generous, worthy Father.

(Susan strokes his Cheek, Figaro kneels, and Marcelina coaxes him.)

Susan.“You don’t know how we will all love you.

Marcelina.“What care we will take of you.

Figaro.“How happy we will make you.

Doctor.“Good Doctor, dear Pappa, generous Father! (Bursts out a crying) See, if I am not evena greater Foo-oo-ool than Mr. President! (Guzman staggers back at the Doctor’s Compliment) they mould me like Dough, lead me like a Child. (Marcelina, Susan, and Figaro testify their Joy by their Actions.) Nay, nay, but I hav’n’t yet said yes.

Susan.“But you have thought yes.

Marcelina.“And look’d yes.

Figaro.“Come, come, we must be quick; let us run and find the Count, otherwise he will invent some new pretext to break off the Match.

(Exeunt Doctor, Marcelina, Figaro and Susan.)

Manent DonGUZMAN.

Guzman.“A greater Foo-oo-ool than Mr. President!—The People in this House are truly very stupid and ill bred.”

(Exit.)

End ofACTIII.

ACT IV.SCENE, a large Saloon.FIGAROandSUSAN,both joyous.Figaro.She has converted her Doctor at last—They are to be married, and these so late implacable Enemies are now become our dearest Friends.Susan.What unexpected Happiness!Figaro.Chance, my Susan—All the effect of Chance—“Yesterday, without a Relation in the World I could claim, to-day, behold me restored to my Parents—True it is, they are neither so rich nor so right honorable, so belaced nor betitled as my imagination had painted them—But that’s all one, they are mine”—I may truly be called both a Chance Child, and a Child of Chance—By Chance was I begot, by Chance brought into the World, by Chance was I stole, by Chance am I found, by Chance have I lived, and by Chance I shall die—Chance is Nature’s Sovereign, and must be mine.Susan.Yes, and by Chance thou mayst come to be hang’d. (Laughs.)Figaro.Or thou to be an Empress—Neither of them are impossible—He, the Conqueror, whose Ambition ravages the Earth, and whose Pride eats up Nations, is not less the sport of Chancethan the blind Beggar who is conducted by his dog.Susan.Ha, ha, ha!—Prithee leave thy Philosophy, and—Figaro.And think of that other blind beggar, Love—Most willingly, my Angel. (Kisses her.)Susan.Pooh, Pooh!—That was not what I meant.Figaro.Rather say it was not half thy meaning, or thy meaning ill expressed. (Kisses her again.)Susan.Ah, Figaro! Were this fondness, these days but durable—Figaro.Durable!—Iron and Adamant—No; may millions of imaginary Gallants wrack my heart and decorate my—Susan.“No rhodomantade, Figaro—Tell me the simple truth.Figaro.“By the truest of all Truths I swear—Susan.“Truest of Truths!—Are there various kinds of Truths then?Figaro.“No doubt.Susan.“Fie!Figaro.“There are Truths that may be spoken: such as the Peccadillos of a poor Rascal! Truths that may not be spoken: such as the Robberies of a rich Rascal—There are your Truths comprehensible: such as that two and two make four; and your Truths incomprehensible: such as that two and two make five—Then there are your Tradesman’s Truths, which he retails to his Customers, your Lover’s Truths, which he pours wholesale into his Mistress’s ear—Your Courtier’s Truths, on which he feeds his Dependants and Parasites—Your Court of Law, or Kiss-the-Book Truths, which are the daily support of avastnumber ofveryhonest people—There are also your physical and metaphysical Truths—Your old Truths and your new Truths—Your heterodox and orthodox Truths—Your Mahometan Truths, your Jewish Truths, and your—other kind of truths, concerning which there never was nor ever will be any doubt—Not to mention your Truthsinfashion: such as that Idleness, Ignorance, Dissipation, Gaming and Seduction are the requisites of a Gentleman—And your Truthsoutof fashion: such as that Gentleness, Obedience, Œconomy, and connubial Love are the requisites of aGentlewoman.Susan.“I find by your account of the matter, Figaro, that poor Truth, like a Lottery Ticket, is so divided and sub-divided, so halved, quartered, cut, carv’d, split and spliced, it is no where entire to be found.Figaro.“No where.Susan.“And moreover, that what is Truth to-day may be a Lie to-morrow.Figaro.“May be! Must be.Susan.“Consequently, that in less than twenty-four hours, my very tender submissive, ardent Lover may be metamorphosed into an arbitrary, cold, haughtyHusband.Figaro.“Impossible!—Impossible, my Susan! As it is for thee, my gentle, kind, and beauteous Bride, to be transformed into an ill-tempered, extravagant slatternlyWife.Susan.“I understand thee”—Well, Well—We will endeavour to convert the iron Bands of Matrimony into a flowery Wreath which Love shall teach us to bear lightly and joyously through Life.Figaro.Aye, and thus live a happy Exception to the established usage of a mad World.Susan.But prithee, who is to go disguised and meet the Count?Figaro.Who?—Nobody—Let him wait and fret, and bite his Nails—I never meant thou shouldst go.Susan.I assure thee I never had any inclination.Figaro.“Is that the real Truth, Susan?”Susan.“What! Thinkest thou I am as learned as thou art? And that I keep several sorts of Truths?”Figaro.(With fond Vivacity). And dost thou love me?Susan.(Tenderly). Too much, I doubt.Figaro.Ah!—That’s but little.Susan.How!Figaro.In Love’s Creed, too much is not even enough.Susan.I understand nothing of this over-refinement, but I feel I shall love my Husband most heartily.Figaro.Keep thy word, and put our modern Wives to the blush.Susan.Afford them a subject to laugh and point at, thou mean’st.Enter theCOUNTESS.Countess.Wherever you meet One of them, be certain you shall find a Pair. (They salute the Countess)—The Bridesmen and Maids wait for you, Figaro.Figaro.I will take my excuse in my hand—(Going to lead out Susan)—Few offenders can plead so charming a one.Countess.No, no; stop Susan: I want you—Sheshall come presently. (Exit Figaro).—Well, Susan, the time approaches, we must prepare for the Rendezvous.Susan.“I must not go, Madam, Figaro is unwilling.Countess.(Angry). “Figaro!—Figaro is not so scrupulous when a Marriage-portion is in question—That’s a poor Pretence; you are sorry you have told the truth, and discovered the Intentions of the Count.—Go, go—I am not to be so deceived. (Going).Susan.(Catching hold of her and kneeling). “Ah, Madam! Let me conjure you to hear me, to pardon me.—How can you think me capable of deceiving so good, so liberal a Lady, whose bounties I have so often felt!——Oh, no; it is because I have promised Figaro.Countess.(Mildly and Smiling). “Rise—Hast thou forgot, silly Girl, that it is I who am to go and not thee.—(Kisses her forehead)—But—I was too hasty.Susan.“My dear, my generous Mistress.”Countess.And what is the place of Rendezvous?Susan.The Pavilion in the Garden.Countess.There are two.Susan.But they are opposite.Countess.True—At what hour?Susan.I don’t know.Countess.That must be fixed—Sit down, take the pen and write—(Susan sits down, the Countess dictates)A NEW SONG,To the Tune of,The Twilight past, the Bell had toll’d.Susan.(Writes). New song—Tune of—Bell had toll’d—What next, Madam?Countess.Dost think he will not understand thee?Susan.(Looking archly at the Countess). Very true—(Folding up the Letter)—But here is neither Wax nor Wafer.Countess.Fasten it with a Pin, and write on the direction,Return the Seal. (Smiling.)Susan.(Laughs) The Seal!—(Gets up.)—This is not quite so serious as the Commission just now was.Countess.(Sighs). Ah, Susan.Susan.I have never a Pin.Countess.Take this.(Gives her one which fastened the Page’s riband to her breast; it falls.)Susan.(Picking up the riband) This is the Page’s riband, Madam.Countess.Wouldst thou have me let him wear it? It will do for Agnes; I will give it her the first Bouquet she presents me.(Just as the Countess has said this, Agnes and a troop of young Maidens, among them the Page, in girl’s cloaths, enter with nosegays for the Countess, who instantly puts the riband in her pocket, with an evident wish, by her looks and action, to preserve it.)Countess.(Looking at the Page) What pretty maiden is this?Agnes.A Cousin of mine, Madam, that we have invited to the Wedding.Countess.Well, then, as we can wear but one nosegay, let us do honour to the Stranger. (Takes the Nosegay from the Page, and kisses his forehead.—(Aside to Susan) Don’t you think, Susan, she resembles amazingly—(Stops short, and looks at Susan).Susan.Amazingly, indeed, Madam!Page.(Aside) What a precious kiss! I feel it here. (Putting his hand on his heart.)Enter the Count, and Antonio with a hat in his hand.Antonio.(As he enters) Yes, yes, my Lord, I’m certain it was him. The rakish little Rascal is disguised among the Girls. I found his new hat and cockade here—hid in a basket. (The Countess and Susan surprised, look at the Page, and then at each other. The girls surround and endeavour to hide Hannibal; Antonio seeks among them). Ay, ay, here he is—here he is. (Antonio takes off his cap, and puts on his hat) There, my Lord! There’s a pretty, modest Virgin for you!Count.Well, my Lady!Countess.Well, my Lord!—I am as much surprized as you can be; and, I assure you, not less vex’d.—At present, however, it is time to tell you the whole Truth: This young gentleman (Pointing to the Page) was hid in my Dressing-room.—We attempted a Joke, which these Girls have put in practice.Count.But wherefore hide him from me?Countess.Because, my Lord, when your Passions are predominant, you are incapable of either listening to or believing the Truth.Count.(Aside) Must I for ever be disturbed, haunted, and bewitch’d thus by this beardless Boy? (Turning with great wrath towards the Page) What is the reason, Sir, you have not obeyed my Commands?Page.(Draws back frightened, and takes off his hat) My-my-my Lord, I staid to teach Agnes the Love scene she is to play in the Comedy this evening.Agnes.(Steps forward) Ah, my Lord, when you come to my room, you know, and want to kiss me—Count.I!(The Countess remarks his embarrassment, Susan laughs silently, and makes signs to the Countess).Agnes.Yes, my Lord! You say to me, My pretty Agnes, if you will but love me, I will give you any thing you wish to have; now, my Lord, if you will give me Hannibal for a husband, I will love you with all my heart.Countess.You hear, my Lord!—Has not the simplicity of this Child’s confession, as artless as the one I have this moment made, sufficiently justified my Conduct? And do not circumstances prove, how injurious your Suspicions have been, and how well founded mine? (Count bows to the Countess.)Antonio.You see, my Lord, what a giddy young thing it is.Count.And very loving too.Antonio.Her mother, as every body knows, was just such another.EnterFIGARO.Figaro.Come, my pretty Maidens, come. (Turns to the Count) While you keep the Lasses here, my Lord, we can neither begin our Procession nor our Dances.Count.(Gravely putting on his hat) Why surely, Sir, you don’t intend to dance.Figaro.Why not, my Lord?Count.What! With a hurt in your ancle?Figaro.Oh! Is that all?—It pains me a little, to be sure; but that’s a trifle—Come Girls.Count.(Turning him back) You were very lucky to light upon such soft ground.Figaro.Exceedingly, my Lord:—Come Lasses.Antonio.(Turning him back on the other side) And then you double yourself up, when you take a leap? Yet, like a Cat, you fall on your feet.Figaro.What then?—Come Gir—Count.But how unhappy the poor Youth will be about his Commission.Figaro.What is the meaning of all this, my Lord?Antonio.(Bringing the Page forward) Do you know this bashful young Lady?Figaro.The Devil! Hannibal!—(Aside.) Well, and what Riddle has he to propound?Count.No Riddle, Sir, but a simple matter of fact:—He affirms, it was he who jump’d out of the window.Figaro.Does he?—Well, if he say so, I suppose it is so.Count.How! What two at a time?Figaro.Two? Twenty! Why not, my Lord? One sheep begins, and the rest naturally follow: (Flourish of Music without) Come, come, my merry Maidens, don’t you hear the music? Quick, quick, run, run, run.(Exeunt Susan and Figaro, with the Girls.)Count.(To the Page) Harkee, little Rascal, begone, instantly; put off your Petticoats, and don’t stir out of your room the rest of the day.—Take care, Sir, I don’t meet you again.Page.(Putting on his hat) No matter—I bare away that upon my forehead, which would compensate for an age of imprisonment. (Exit joyously).Count.(Looks at the Countess, who recollects the kiss she had just given the Page) His forehead! Whatis it he bears away so triumphantly upon his forehead?Countess.(Embarrassed) A—His Officer’s hat, I suppose. Every new Bauble pleases a Child.(Going.)Count.The Procession is coming, will not your Ladyship stay and be a witness of your Favourite’s happiness?Countess.As your Lordship pleases.Enter the Procession of the two Weddings. A March is played; Doctor Bartholo and Marcelina are preceded by Cryer of the Court, Guards, Doublefee, Counsellors, Don Guzman; after them come Antonio, Figaro, and Susan, followed by the Bridesmen and Maids, and a troop of Dancers. They all salute the Count and Countess as they pass; and after making the tour of the stage, Antonio presents his Niece to the Count; Susan kneels, one of the Bridemaids gives the Count the nuptial Cap; and Susan, while the Count is placing it on her head, plucks him by the cloak, and shews him the Note she had just before written. He pretends to keep adjusting the Cap, and slily reaches to take the Note, which he instantly claps in his bosom, having previously unbuttoned himself for that purpose. While this is transacting a Castanet-Dance is performed. As soon as Susan rises, she purposely places herself before the Countess, to encourage the Count to read the Note, who accordingly steps forward, is going to open it, and pricks his finger with the Pin, which he plucks out and throws angrily on the floor.)Count.These Women and their curst Pins.Figaro.(Aside to his Mother laughing) The Count has received a Billet-doux from some prettyGirl, sealed witha Pin! This is a new fashion, which he does not seem to admire.(The Count reads the Note, is exceedingly pleased, folds it up again, and reads on the outside, “Return the Seal;” hepretends to walk carelessly about the stage, but is all the while looking earnestly for the pin he had thrown away, which he at last finds, picks up and sticks upon his Sleeve.)Figaro.(To his Mother) Every thing is precious that appertains to a beloved object.—He picks up the very Pin, you see.(All this while Susan and the Countess remark what is passing with laughter, and private looks and gestures.)Countess.(Rising) Come with me, Susan. We shall soon be back, my Lord. (Aside to Susan) Let us make haste and exchange dresses.(Exeunt Countess and Susan.Crier.“Guards! Guards!—This way, Guards! (Places the Guards at the door, runs up to the Count) My Lord, here’s Mr. Basil coming, my Lord, with the whole Village at his heels; because he has been singing all the way he went.Figaro.“Orpheus and the Brutes. But I’ll make him change his Tune.”EnterBASILsinging, followed byBOUNCE.Count.So, Mr. Basil, what is your will and pleasure?Basil.“After having fulfilled your Lordship’s commands, by amusing this honest Gentleman——Bounce.“Me, my Lord? I assure your Lordship he has not amused me in the least.Basil.“I now return to enforce my claims on Marcelina.Figaro.“Look you, Sir—Should you venture but to cast one look, or approach one step nearer that Lady——Doctor.“Let him speak, Figaro, let him speak.Guzman.“Oh f-f-fie!—What f-f-friends!—Figaro.“I disclaim such friendship.Basil.“And I——Error in Judgment, Mr. President.Figaro.“He!—A Street-corner Ballad-Bawler!Basil.“As good, at least, as a Barber-Surgeon!Figaro.“Who hashes up a dinner out of Horse-hair and Catgut!Basil.“Who has hungrily devoured Razors and Hones, and fed half his life upon Froth! (Imitates beating up a Lather.)Figaro.“The high Priest of Pimps!Basil.“The vile Drudge of Intrigue!Figaro.“Execrated by those he serves!Basil.“Gulled by his own Cunning!Figaro.“So great a Fool, Knavery itself cannot make him thrive!Basil.“So stupid, he never yet could invent a probable Lie!Doctor.} “Hold, hold.Guzman.}Figaro.“A Pedantic!Basil.“Pert!Figaro.“Preposterous!Basil.“Pragmatical!Figaro.“Braying!Basil.“Lop-eared!Figaro.“Ass!Count.“How now!—Is this all the Respect you shew?—Basil.“You hear, my Lord, how he insults me! When, it is well known, there is not, in all Andalusia, a more eminent!——Figaro.“Empty!Basil.“Able!Figaro.“Abject!Basil.“Musician!Figaro.“Miscreant!Basil.“Is this to be borne?Figaro.“Whose countenance prophecies of Pillories, Scaffolds, and the stretching of Hemp; and whose whole appearance is a continual Memento of public Calamity, Plague, Pestilence, and Famine;—A Misericordia, Sackcloth-and-ashes Knave;—A Scape Goat, that looks like a Jew in the yellow Jaundice.(Doctor Bartholo and Don Guzman prevent Basil from falling upon Figaro.)Count.“Do you think this proper, Mr. Figaro?Figaro.“Why not, my Lord?—Let him listen to Truth, since he is too Poor to pay Parasites and Liars.Count.“Silence, Sir!—Let us hear, Mr. Basil, what you have to say.Basil.“(Composing himself) I demand the hand of Marcelina, my Lord, who promised to marry me.Marcelina.“On what condition was this promise made?Basil.“That I should adopt your lost Son, if ever you should be happy enough to find him.Marcelina.“Well.Doctor.“He is found.Basil.“Where is he?Doctor.“Here he stands. (Pointing to Figaro).Guzman.“The-e-e-ere he stands.Basil.“He!—Oh, my curst Stars!Guzman.“Do you re-e-nounce your pre-e-tentions to his de-e-ear Mother?Basil.“Renounce!—As I would renounce the Devil and all his Works.Figaro.“What! Renounce your best Friend?—But that’s like your Rogue’s tricks.Basil.“I will not live under the same roof with him—I would rather even quit the service of my Lord.Figaro.“Don’t be uneasy, I shan’t trouble you long—Restored to my Parents, and married to my Susan, I shall retire and live in Peace.Count.“(Aside) And I shall retire to meet my Mistress.Guzman.“So every body is sa-a-tisfied.”Count.Let the marriage Contracts be prepared, and I will sign them.Figaro.Thanks, gracious Lord.Bounce.And I will go and prepare the Fireworks in the Garden, near the Pavilion.Count.(Returning) Who, pray Sir, gave you those Orders?—The Countess is too much indisposed to come out; let them, therefore, be played off in front of the Castle, facing her Windows—(Aside)—The Rascal was going to set fire to my Place of Rendezvous! (Exeunt).ManentFIGAROandMARCELINA.Figaro.How attentive he is to his Wife.Marcelina.“It is necessary”—My dear Figaro,“I should undeceive thee respecting my former false accusations of Susan—Basil has always told me she obstinately refused to listen to the Count’s Overtures, and”I am both sorry and ashamed to have excited thy Jealousy.Figaro.Oh, be under no apprehensions, my dear Mother; Jealousy is the foolish Child of Pride, the Disease of a Madman—My Philosophy is invulnerable to its poisonous Arrows. (Figaro turns and sees Agnes just behind him, coming down the Stage).—So! What you have been listening, my little inquisitive Cousin?Agnes.Oh, no; they tell me that is not polite.Figaro.Then what’s your errand?—He is not here.Agnes.Who?Figaro.Hannibal.Agnes.Oh, I know that very well—I know where he is—I want my Cousin Susan.Figaro.Aye!—And what do you want with her?Agnes.Not much; only to give her a Pin.Figaro.(Starts) A Pin! (Striding about in great anger) A Pin!—And how dare you, you little Hussey, undertake such Messages?—What! Have you learnt your trade already?—(Marcelina makes a sign to Figaro, who recollects himself, and endeavours to disguise his feelings)—Come, come, my pretty Cousin, don’t be frighten’d, I was but in joke—I—I—I know all about it; it’s a Pin that my Lord has sent by you to Susan.Agnes.Since you know so well, why need you ask me then?Figaro.(Coaxing) Only to hear what my Lord said when he sent thee on this errand.Agnes.Here, said he, here, my pretty little Agnes, take this Pin to thy Cousin Susan, and tell her it is the Seal of the new Song about the Twilight and the Pavilion.Figaro.And the——Agnes.The Pavilion—And take great care, said he, that nobody sees thee.Figaro.Well, well, I was but joking; go and execute thy Message faithfully, exactly as my Lord bade thee.Agnes.Law! My Cousin takes me for a Ninny, I believe. (Exit skipping).Figaro.So, my Mother!Marcelina.So, my Son!Figaro.Here’s a sweet Daughter!—A delightful Bride!—And will be a most virtuous Wife!——(Walking up and down with great agitation)——A false—Deceitful—I’m happy, however, I have found her out—I will detect, expose, and abandon her!Marcelina.Nay, but gently, my Son, gently; recollect that Jealousy is the disease of a Madman, and that your Philosophy is invulnerable.—Fie! fie!—All this passion about a Pin!Figaro.A Pin that has wounded me to the heart!—Didn’t we see the Count pick it up?Marcelina.We did so; but how can we tell whether she means to deceive thee or him?—Art thou sure she will go to the Rendezvous; and wilt thou condemn her without hearing her?Figaro.I am sorry—I am a Fool—And yet!—If she should be false!Marcelina.Nay, but my dear Figaro——Figaro.Well, well; I will be calm—Yes, my amorous Count, you will at least meet with somebody you don’t expect—If you do not make haste we shall be at the Pavilion, as soon as your Lordship!(Exeunt).The End ofACTIV.

ACT IV.

SCENE, a large Saloon.

FIGAROandSUSAN,both joyous.

Figaro.

She has converted her Doctor at last—They are to be married, and these so late implacable Enemies are now become our dearest Friends.

Susan.What unexpected Happiness!

Figaro.Chance, my Susan—All the effect of Chance—“Yesterday, without a Relation in the World I could claim, to-day, behold me restored to my Parents—True it is, they are neither so rich nor so right honorable, so belaced nor betitled as my imagination had painted them—But that’s all one, they are mine”—I may truly be called both a Chance Child, and a Child of Chance—By Chance was I begot, by Chance brought into the World, by Chance was I stole, by Chance am I found, by Chance have I lived, and by Chance I shall die—Chance is Nature’s Sovereign, and must be mine.

Susan.Yes, and by Chance thou mayst come to be hang’d. (Laughs.)

Figaro.Or thou to be an Empress—Neither of them are impossible—He, the Conqueror, whose Ambition ravages the Earth, and whose Pride eats up Nations, is not less the sport of Chancethan the blind Beggar who is conducted by his dog.

Susan.Ha, ha, ha!—Prithee leave thy Philosophy, and—

Figaro.And think of that other blind beggar, Love—Most willingly, my Angel. (Kisses her.)

Susan.Pooh, Pooh!—That was not what I meant.

Figaro.Rather say it was not half thy meaning, or thy meaning ill expressed. (Kisses her again.)

Susan.Ah, Figaro! Were this fondness, these days but durable—

Figaro.Durable!—Iron and Adamant—No; may millions of imaginary Gallants wrack my heart and decorate my—

Susan.“No rhodomantade, Figaro—Tell me the simple truth.Figaro.“By the truest of all Truths I swear—Susan.“Truest of Truths!—Are there various kinds of Truths then?Figaro.“No doubt.Susan.“Fie!Figaro.“There are Truths that may be spoken: such as the Peccadillos of a poor Rascal! Truths that may not be spoken: such as the Robberies of a rich Rascal—There are your Truths comprehensible: such as that two and two make four; and your Truths incomprehensible: such as that two and two make five—Then there are your Tradesman’s Truths, which he retails to his Customers, your Lover’s Truths, which he pours wholesale into his Mistress’s ear—Your Courtier’s Truths, on which he feeds his Dependants and Parasites—Your Court of Law, or Kiss-the-Book Truths, which are the daily support of avastnumber ofveryhonest people—There are also your physical and metaphysical Truths—Your old Truths and your new Truths—Your heterodox and orthodox Truths—Your Mahometan Truths, your Jewish Truths, and your—other kind of truths, concerning which there never was nor ever will be any doubt—Not to mention your Truthsinfashion: such as that Idleness, Ignorance, Dissipation, Gaming and Seduction are the requisites of a Gentleman—And your Truthsoutof fashion: such as that Gentleness, Obedience, Œconomy, and connubial Love are the requisites of aGentlewoman.Susan.“I find by your account of the matter, Figaro, that poor Truth, like a Lottery Ticket, is so divided and sub-divided, so halved, quartered, cut, carv’d, split and spliced, it is no where entire to be found.Figaro.“No where.Susan.“And moreover, that what is Truth to-day may be a Lie to-morrow.Figaro.“May be! Must be.Susan.“Consequently, that in less than twenty-four hours, my very tender submissive, ardent Lover may be metamorphosed into an arbitrary, cold, haughtyHusband.Figaro.“Impossible!—Impossible, my Susan! As it is for thee, my gentle, kind, and beauteous Bride, to be transformed into an ill-tempered, extravagant slatternlyWife.

Susan.“No rhodomantade, Figaro—Tell me the simple truth.

Figaro.“By the truest of all Truths I swear—

Susan.“Truest of Truths!—Are there various kinds of Truths then?

Figaro.“No doubt.

Susan.“Fie!

Figaro.“There are Truths that may be spoken: such as the Peccadillos of a poor Rascal! Truths that may not be spoken: such as the Robberies of a rich Rascal—There are your Truths comprehensible: such as that two and two make four; and your Truths incomprehensible: such as that two and two make five—Then there are your Tradesman’s Truths, which he retails to his Customers, your Lover’s Truths, which he pours wholesale into his Mistress’s ear—Your Courtier’s Truths, on which he feeds his Dependants and Parasites—Your Court of Law, or Kiss-the-Book Truths, which are the daily support of avastnumber ofveryhonest people—There are also your physical and metaphysical Truths—Your old Truths and your new Truths—Your heterodox and orthodox Truths—Your Mahometan Truths, your Jewish Truths, and your—other kind of truths, concerning which there never was nor ever will be any doubt—Not to mention your Truthsinfashion: such as that Idleness, Ignorance, Dissipation, Gaming and Seduction are the requisites of a Gentleman—And your Truthsoutof fashion: such as that Gentleness, Obedience, Œconomy, and connubial Love are the requisites of aGentlewoman.

Susan.“I find by your account of the matter, Figaro, that poor Truth, like a Lottery Ticket, is so divided and sub-divided, so halved, quartered, cut, carv’d, split and spliced, it is no where entire to be found.

Figaro.“No where.

Susan.“And moreover, that what is Truth to-day may be a Lie to-morrow.

Figaro.“May be! Must be.

Susan.“Consequently, that in less than twenty-four hours, my very tender submissive, ardent Lover may be metamorphosed into an arbitrary, cold, haughtyHusband.

Figaro.“Impossible!—Impossible, my Susan! As it is for thee, my gentle, kind, and beauteous Bride, to be transformed into an ill-tempered, extravagant slatternlyWife.

Susan.“I understand thee”—Well, Well—We will endeavour to convert the iron Bands of Matrimony into a flowery Wreath which Love shall teach us to bear lightly and joyously through Life.

Figaro.Aye, and thus live a happy Exception to the established usage of a mad World.

Susan.But prithee, who is to go disguised and meet the Count?

Figaro.Who?—Nobody—Let him wait and fret, and bite his Nails—I never meant thou shouldst go.

Susan.I assure thee I never had any inclination.

Figaro.“Is that the real Truth, Susan?”Susan.“What! Thinkest thou I am as learned as thou art? And that I keep several sorts of Truths?”

Figaro.“Is that the real Truth, Susan?”

Susan.“What! Thinkest thou I am as learned as thou art? And that I keep several sorts of Truths?”

Figaro.(With fond Vivacity). And dost thou love me?

Susan.(Tenderly). Too much, I doubt.

Figaro.Ah!—That’s but little.

Susan.How!

Figaro.In Love’s Creed, too much is not even enough.

Susan.I understand nothing of this over-refinement, but I feel I shall love my Husband most heartily.

Figaro.Keep thy word, and put our modern Wives to the blush.

Susan.Afford them a subject to laugh and point at, thou mean’st.

Enter theCOUNTESS.

Countess.Wherever you meet One of them, be certain you shall find a Pair. (They salute the Countess)—The Bridesmen and Maids wait for you, Figaro.

Figaro.I will take my excuse in my hand—(Going to lead out Susan)—Few offenders can plead so charming a one.

Countess.No, no; stop Susan: I want you—Sheshall come presently. (Exit Figaro).—Well, Susan, the time approaches, we must prepare for the Rendezvous.

Susan.“I must not go, Madam, Figaro is unwilling.Countess.(Angry). “Figaro!—Figaro is not so scrupulous when a Marriage-portion is in question—That’s a poor Pretence; you are sorry you have told the truth, and discovered the Intentions of the Count.—Go, go—I am not to be so deceived. (Going).Susan.(Catching hold of her and kneeling). “Ah, Madam! Let me conjure you to hear me, to pardon me.—How can you think me capable of deceiving so good, so liberal a Lady, whose bounties I have so often felt!——Oh, no; it is because I have promised Figaro.Countess.(Mildly and Smiling). “Rise—Hast thou forgot, silly Girl, that it is I who am to go and not thee.—(Kisses her forehead)—But—I was too hasty.Susan.“My dear, my generous Mistress.”

Susan.“I must not go, Madam, Figaro is unwilling.

Countess.(Angry). “Figaro!—Figaro is not so scrupulous when a Marriage-portion is in question—That’s a poor Pretence; you are sorry you have told the truth, and discovered the Intentions of the Count.—Go, go—I am not to be so deceived. (Going).

Susan.(Catching hold of her and kneeling). “Ah, Madam! Let me conjure you to hear me, to pardon me.—How can you think me capable of deceiving so good, so liberal a Lady, whose bounties I have so often felt!——Oh, no; it is because I have promised Figaro.

Countess.(Mildly and Smiling). “Rise—Hast thou forgot, silly Girl, that it is I who am to go and not thee.—(Kisses her forehead)—But—I was too hasty.

Susan.“My dear, my generous Mistress.”

Countess.And what is the place of Rendezvous?

Susan.The Pavilion in the Garden.

Countess.There are two.

Susan.But they are opposite.

Countess.True—At what hour?

Susan.I don’t know.

Countess.That must be fixed—Sit down, take the pen and write—

(Susan sits down, the Countess dictates)

A NEW SONG,

To the Tune of,

The Twilight past, the Bell had toll’d.

Susan.(Writes). New song—Tune of—Bell had toll’d—What next, Madam?

Countess.Dost think he will not understand thee?

Susan.(Looking archly at the Countess). Very true—(Folding up the Letter)—But here is neither Wax nor Wafer.

Countess.Fasten it with a Pin, and write on the direction,Return the Seal. (Smiling.)

Susan.(Laughs) The Seal!—(Gets up.)—This is not quite so serious as the Commission just now was.

Countess.(Sighs). Ah, Susan.

Susan.I have never a Pin.

Countess.Take this.

(Gives her one which fastened the Page’s riband to her breast; it falls.)

Susan.(Picking up the riband) This is the Page’s riband, Madam.

Countess.Wouldst thou have me let him wear it? It will do for Agnes; I will give it her the first Bouquet she presents me.

(Just as the Countess has said this, Agnes and a troop of young Maidens, among them the Page, in girl’s cloaths, enter with nosegays for the Countess, who instantly puts the riband in her pocket, with an evident wish, by her looks and action, to preserve it.)

Countess.(Looking at the Page) What pretty maiden is this?

Agnes.A Cousin of mine, Madam, that we have invited to the Wedding.

Countess.Well, then, as we can wear but one nosegay, let us do honour to the Stranger. (Takes the Nosegay from the Page, and kisses his forehead.—(Aside to Susan) Don’t you think, Susan, she resembles amazingly—(Stops short, and looks at Susan).

Susan.Amazingly, indeed, Madam!

Page.(Aside) What a precious kiss! I feel it here. (Putting his hand on his heart.)

Enter the Count, and Antonio with a hat in his hand.

Antonio.(As he enters) Yes, yes, my Lord, I’m certain it was him. The rakish little Rascal is disguised among the Girls. I found his new hat and cockade here—hid in a basket. (The Countess and Susan surprised, look at the Page, and then at each other. The girls surround and endeavour to hide Hannibal; Antonio seeks among them). Ay, ay, here he is—here he is. (Antonio takes off his cap, and puts on his hat) There, my Lord! There’s a pretty, modest Virgin for you!

Count.Well, my Lady!

Countess.Well, my Lord!—I am as much surprized as you can be; and, I assure you, not less vex’d.—At present, however, it is time to tell you the whole Truth: This young gentleman (Pointing to the Page) was hid in my Dressing-room.—We attempted a Joke, which these Girls have put in practice.

Count.But wherefore hide him from me?

Countess.Because, my Lord, when your Passions are predominant, you are incapable of either listening to or believing the Truth.

Count.(Aside) Must I for ever be disturbed, haunted, and bewitch’d thus by this beardless Boy? (Turning with great wrath towards the Page) What is the reason, Sir, you have not obeyed my Commands?

Page.(Draws back frightened, and takes off his hat) My-my-my Lord, I staid to teach Agnes the Love scene she is to play in the Comedy this evening.

Agnes.(Steps forward) Ah, my Lord, when you come to my room, you know, and want to kiss me—

Count.I!

(The Countess remarks his embarrassment, Susan laughs silently, and makes signs to the Countess).

Agnes.Yes, my Lord! You say to me, My pretty Agnes, if you will but love me, I will give you any thing you wish to have; now, my Lord, if you will give me Hannibal for a husband, I will love you with all my heart.

Countess.You hear, my Lord!—Has not the simplicity of this Child’s confession, as artless as the one I have this moment made, sufficiently justified my Conduct? And do not circumstances prove, how injurious your Suspicions have been, and how well founded mine? (Count bows to the Countess.)

Antonio.You see, my Lord, what a giddy young thing it is.

Count.And very loving too.

Antonio.Her mother, as every body knows, was just such another.

EnterFIGARO.

Figaro.Come, my pretty Maidens, come. (Turns to the Count) While you keep the Lasses here, my Lord, we can neither begin our Procession nor our Dances.

Count.(Gravely putting on his hat) Why surely, Sir, you don’t intend to dance.

Figaro.Why not, my Lord?

Count.What! With a hurt in your ancle?

Figaro.Oh! Is that all?—It pains me a little, to be sure; but that’s a trifle—Come Girls.

Count.(Turning him back) You were very lucky to light upon such soft ground.

Figaro.Exceedingly, my Lord:—Come Lasses.

Antonio.(Turning him back on the other side) And then you double yourself up, when you take a leap? Yet, like a Cat, you fall on your feet.

Figaro.What then?—Come Gir—

Count.But how unhappy the poor Youth will be about his Commission.

Figaro.What is the meaning of all this, my Lord?

Antonio.(Bringing the Page forward) Do you know this bashful young Lady?

Figaro.The Devil! Hannibal!—(Aside.) Well, and what Riddle has he to propound?

Count.No Riddle, Sir, but a simple matter of fact:—He affirms, it was he who jump’d out of the window.

Figaro.Does he?—Well, if he say so, I suppose it is so.

Count.How! What two at a time?

Figaro.Two? Twenty! Why not, my Lord? One sheep begins, and the rest naturally follow: (Flourish of Music without) Come, come, my merry Maidens, don’t you hear the music? Quick, quick, run, run, run.

(Exeunt Susan and Figaro, with the Girls.)

Count.(To the Page) Harkee, little Rascal, begone, instantly; put off your Petticoats, and don’t stir out of your room the rest of the day.—Take care, Sir, I don’t meet you again.

Page.(Putting on his hat) No matter—I bare away that upon my forehead, which would compensate for an age of imprisonment. (Exit joyously).

Count.(Looks at the Countess, who recollects the kiss she had just given the Page) His forehead! Whatis it he bears away so triumphantly upon his forehead?

Countess.(Embarrassed) A—His Officer’s hat, I suppose. Every new Bauble pleases a Child.

(Going.)

Count.The Procession is coming, will not your Ladyship stay and be a witness of your Favourite’s happiness?

Countess.As your Lordship pleases.

Enter the Procession of the two Weddings. A March is played; Doctor Bartholo and Marcelina are preceded by Cryer of the Court, Guards, Doublefee, Counsellors, Don Guzman; after them come Antonio, Figaro, and Susan, followed by the Bridesmen and Maids, and a troop of Dancers. They all salute the Count and Countess as they pass; and after making the tour of the stage, Antonio presents his Niece to the Count; Susan kneels, one of the Bridemaids gives the Count the nuptial Cap; and Susan, while the Count is placing it on her head, plucks him by the cloak, and shews him the Note she had just before written. He pretends to keep adjusting the Cap, and slily reaches to take the Note, which he instantly claps in his bosom, having previously unbuttoned himself for that purpose. While this is transacting a Castanet-Dance is performed. As soon as Susan rises, she purposely places herself before the Countess, to encourage the Count to read the Note, who accordingly steps forward, is going to open it, and pricks his finger with the Pin, which he plucks out and throws angrily on the floor.)

Count.These Women and their curst Pins.

Figaro.(Aside to his Mother laughing) The Count has received a Billet-doux from some prettyGirl, sealed witha Pin! This is a new fashion, which he does not seem to admire.

(The Count reads the Note, is exceedingly pleased, folds it up again, and reads on the outside, “Return the Seal;” hepretends to walk carelessly about the stage, but is all the while looking earnestly for the pin he had thrown away, which he at last finds, picks up and sticks upon his Sleeve.)

Figaro.(To his Mother) Every thing is precious that appertains to a beloved object.—He picks up the very Pin, you see.

(All this while Susan and the Countess remark what is passing with laughter, and private looks and gestures.)

Countess.(Rising) Come with me, Susan. We shall soon be back, my Lord. (Aside to Susan) Let us make haste and exchange dresses.

(Exeunt Countess and Susan.

Crier.“Guards! Guards!—This way, Guards! (Places the Guards at the door, runs up to the Count) My Lord, here’s Mr. Basil coming, my Lord, with the whole Village at his heels; because he has been singing all the way he went.Figaro.“Orpheus and the Brutes. But I’ll make him change his Tune.”

Figaro.“Orpheus and the Brutes. But I’ll make him change his Tune.”

EnterBASILsinging, followed byBOUNCE.

Count.So, Mr. Basil, what is your will and pleasure?

Basil.“After having fulfilled your Lordship’s commands, by amusing this honest Gentleman——Bounce.“Me, my Lord? I assure your Lordship he has not amused me in the least.Basil.“I now return to enforce my claims on Marcelina.Figaro.“Look you, Sir—Should you venture but to cast one look, or approach one step nearer that Lady——Doctor.“Let him speak, Figaro, let him speak.Guzman.“Oh f-f-fie!—What f-f-friends!—Figaro.“I disclaim such friendship.Basil.“And I——Error in Judgment, Mr. President.Figaro.“He!—A Street-corner Ballad-Bawler!Basil.“As good, at least, as a Barber-Surgeon!Figaro.“Who hashes up a dinner out of Horse-hair and Catgut!Basil.“Who has hungrily devoured Razors and Hones, and fed half his life upon Froth! (Imitates beating up a Lather.)Figaro.“The high Priest of Pimps!Basil.“The vile Drudge of Intrigue!Figaro.“Execrated by those he serves!Basil.“Gulled by his own Cunning!Figaro.“So great a Fool, Knavery itself cannot make him thrive!Basil.“So stupid, he never yet could invent a probable Lie!Doctor.} “Hold, hold.Guzman.}Figaro.“A Pedantic!Basil.“Pert!Figaro.“Preposterous!Basil.“Pragmatical!Figaro.“Braying!Basil.“Lop-eared!Figaro.“Ass!Count.“How now!—Is this all the Respect you shew?—Basil.“You hear, my Lord, how he insults me! When, it is well known, there is not, in all Andalusia, a more eminent!——Figaro.“Empty!Basil.“Able!Figaro.“Abject!Basil.“Musician!Figaro.“Miscreant!Basil.“Is this to be borne?Figaro.“Whose countenance prophecies of Pillories, Scaffolds, and the stretching of Hemp; and whose whole appearance is a continual Memento of public Calamity, Plague, Pestilence, and Famine;—A Misericordia, Sackcloth-and-ashes Knave;—A Scape Goat, that looks like a Jew in the yellow Jaundice.(Doctor Bartholo and Don Guzman prevent Basil from falling upon Figaro.)Count.“Do you think this proper, Mr. Figaro?Figaro.“Why not, my Lord?—Let him listen to Truth, since he is too Poor to pay Parasites and Liars.Count.“Silence, Sir!—Let us hear, Mr. Basil, what you have to say.Basil.“(Composing himself) I demand the hand of Marcelina, my Lord, who promised to marry me.Marcelina.“On what condition was this promise made?Basil.“That I should adopt your lost Son, if ever you should be happy enough to find him.Marcelina.“Well.Doctor.“He is found.Basil.“Where is he?Doctor.“Here he stands. (Pointing to Figaro).Guzman.“The-e-e-ere he stands.Basil.“He!—Oh, my curst Stars!Guzman.“Do you re-e-nounce your pre-e-tentions to his de-e-ear Mother?Basil.“Renounce!—As I would renounce the Devil and all his Works.Figaro.“What! Renounce your best Friend?—But that’s like your Rogue’s tricks.Basil.“I will not live under the same roof with him—I would rather even quit the service of my Lord.Figaro.“Don’t be uneasy, I shan’t trouble you long—Restored to my Parents, and married to my Susan, I shall retire and live in Peace.Count.“(Aside) And I shall retire to meet my Mistress.Guzman.“So every body is sa-a-tisfied.”

Basil.“After having fulfilled your Lordship’s commands, by amusing this honest Gentleman——

Bounce.“Me, my Lord? I assure your Lordship he has not amused me in the least.

Basil.“I now return to enforce my claims on Marcelina.

Figaro.“Look you, Sir—Should you venture but to cast one look, or approach one step nearer that Lady——

Doctor.“Let him speak, Figaro, let him speak.

Guzman.“Oh f-f-fie!—What f-f-friends!—

Figaro.“I disclaim such friendship.

Basil.“And I——Error in Judgment, Mr. President.

Figaro.“He!—A Street-corner Ballad-Bawler!

Basil.“As good, at least, as a Barber-Surgeon!

Figaro.“Who hashes up a dinner out of Horse-hair and Catgut!

Basil.“Who has hungrily devoured Razors and Hones, and fed half his life upon Froth! (Imitates beating up a Lather.)

Figaro.“The high Priest of Pimps!

Basil.“The vile Drudge of Intrigue!

Figaro.“Execrated by those he serves!

Basil.“Gulled by his own Cunning!

Figaro.“So great a Fool, Knavery itself cannot make him thrive!

Basil.“So stupid, he never yet could invent a probable Lie!

Doctor.} “Hold, hold.Guzman.}

Figaro.“A Pedantic!

Basil.“Pert!

Figaro.“Preposterous!

Basil.“Pragmatical!

Figaro.“Braying!

Basil.“Lop-eared!

Figaro.“Ass!

Count.“How now!—Is this all the Respect you shew?—

Basil.“You hear, my Lord, how he insults me! When, it is well known, there is not, in all Andalusia, a more eminent!——

Figaro.“Empty!

Basil.“Able!

Figaro.“Abject!

Basil.“Musician!

Figaro.“Miscreant!

Basil.“Is this to be borne?

Figaro.“Whose countenance prophecies of Pillories, Scaffolds, and the stretching of Hemp; and whose whole appearance is a continual Memento of public Calamity, Plague, Pestilence, and Famine;—A Misericordia, Sackcloth-and-ashes Knave;—A Scape Goat, that looks like a Jew in the yellow Jaundice.

(Doctor Bartholo and Don Guzman prevent Basil from falling upon Figaro.)

Count.“Do you think this proper, Mr. Figaro?

Figaro.“Why not, my Lord?—Let him listen to Truth, since he is too Poor to pay Parasites and Liars.

Count.“Silence, Sir!—Let us hear, Mr. Basil, what you have to say.

Basil.“(Composing himself) I demand the hand of Marcelina, my Lord, who promised to marry me.

Marcelina.“On what condition was this promise made?

Basil.“That I should adopt your lost Son, if ever you should be happy enough to find him.

Marcelina.“Well.

Doctor.“He is found.

Basil.“Where is he?

Doctor.“Here he stands. (Pointing to Figaro).

Guzman.“The-e-e-ere he stands.

Basil.“He!—Oh, my curst Stars!

Guzman.“Do you re-e-nounce your pre-e-tentions to his de-e-ear Mother?

Basil.“Renounce!—As I would renounce the Devil and all his Works.

Figaro.“What! Renounce your best Friend?—But that’s like your Rogue’s tricks.

Basil.“I will not live under the same roof with him—I would rather even quit the service of my Lord.

Figaro.“Don’t be uneasy, I shan’t trouble you long—Restored to my Parents, and married to my Susan, I shall retire and live in Peace.

Count.“(Aside) And I shall retire to meet my Mistress.

Guzman.“So every body is sa-a-tisfied.”

Count.Let the marriage Contracts be prepared, and I will sign them.

Figaro.Thanks, gracious Lord.

Bounce.And I will go and prepare the Fireworks in the Garden, near the Pavilion.

Count.(Returning) Who, pray Sir, gave you those Orders?—The Countess is too much indisposed to come out; let them, therefore, be played off in front of the Castle, facing her Windows—(Aside)—The Rascal was going to set fire to my Place of Rendezvous! (Exeunt).

ManentFIGAROandMARCELINA.

Figaro.How attentive he is to his Wife.

Marcelina.“It is necessary”—My dear Figaro,“I should undeceive thee respecting my former false accusations of Susan—Basil has always told me she obstinately refused to listen to the Count’s Overtures, and”I am both sorry and ashamed to have excited thy Jealousy.

Figaro.Oh, be under no apprehensions, my dear Mother; Jealousy is the foolish Child of Pride, the Disease of a Madman—My Philosophy is invulnerable to its poisonous Arrows. (Figaro turns and sees Agnes just behind him, coming down the Stage).—So! What you have been listening, my little inquisitive Cousin?

Agnes.Oh, no; they tell me that is not polite.

Figaro.Then what’s your errand?—He is not here.

Agnes.Who?

Figaro.Hannibal.

Agnes.Oh, I know that very well—I know where he is—I want my Cousin Susan.

Figaro.Aye!—And what do you want with her?

Agnes.Not much; only to give her a Pin.

Figaro.(Starts) A Pin! (Striding about in great anger) A Pin!—And how dare you, you little Hussey, undertake such Messages?—What! Have you learnt your trade already?—(Marcelina makes a sign to Figaro, who recollects himself, and endeavours to disguise his feelings)—Come, come, my pretty Cousin, don’t be frighten’d, I was but in joke—I—I—I know all about it; it’s a Pin that my Lord has sent by you to Susan.

Agnes.Since you know so well, why need you ask me then?

Figaro.(Coaxing) Only to hear what my Lord said when he sent thee on this errand.

Agnes.Here, said he, here, my pretty little Agnes, take this Pin to thy Cousin Susan, and tell her it is the Seal of the new Song about the Twilight and the Pavilion.

Figaro.And the——

Agnes.The Pavilion—And take great care, said he, that nobody sees thee.

Figaro.Well, well, I was but joking; go and execute thy Message faithfully, exactly as my Lord bade thee.

Agnes.Law! My Cousin takes me for a Ninny, I believe. (Exit skipping).

Figaro.So, my Mother!

Marcelina.So, my Son!

Figaro.Here’s a sweet Daughter!—A delightful Bride!—And will be a most virtuous Wife!——(Walking up and down with great agitation)——A false—Deceitful—I’m happy, however, I have found her out—I will detect, expose, and abandon her!

Marcelina.Nay, but gently, my Son, gently; recollect that Jealousy is the disease of a Madman, and that your Philosophy is invulnerable.—Fie! fie!—All this passion about a Pin!

Figaro.A Pin that has wounded me to the heart!—Didn’t we see the Count pick it up?

Marcelina.We did so; but how can we tell whether she means to deceive thee or him?—Art thou sure she will go to the Rendezvous; and wilt thou condemn her without hearing her?

Figaro.I am sorry—I am a Fool—And yet!—If she should be false!

Marcelina.Nay, but my dear Figaro——

Figaro.Well, well; I will be calm—Yes, my amorous Count, you will at least meet with somebody you don’t expect—If you do not make haste we shall be at the Pavilion, as soon as your Lordship!

(Exeunt).

The End ofACTIV.

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