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TO MAKE A LIVING: To one old woman with money add "soft-soap" to her taste. Sweeten with gush. Mix with a wedding ceremony and shake quickly when you have her money.
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TO MAKE ANGEL-FOOD: Take a "peach" with red lips. Add a shadynook. Sweeten with kisses. Serve in the moonlight.
TO PRESERVE MONEY: Take a roll of "yellow-backs" from whoever has one. Mix with all the money you can borrow. Put in a strong-box and let it stand till the police have forgotten you. Repeat the process and cover with a prominent part in church affairs.
Entomological Note:In Washington the Katy-dids now say Teddy did, Teddy didn't.Home Hint:Servant girls should be picked early this month. If picked green they often last the whole winter. It is inadvisable to pick them too fresh.
Entomological Note:In Washington the Katy-dids now say Teddy did, Teddy didn't.
Home Hint:Servant girls should be picked early this month. If picked green they often last the whole winter. It is inadvisable to pick them too fresh.
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Sons of great men oft remind usThat no matter what our fame,Offspring that we leave behind usMay be lobsters, just the same.
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Economical Hint:A good imitation of soapsuds may be made by shaking a bottle of champagne and then opening the bottle.
Economical Hint:A good imitation of soapsuds may be made by shaking a bottle of champagne and then opening the bottle.
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If you have carelessly left your ermine muff and neck-piece where the moths have attacked it during the summer, an easy and simple way to remedy the damage will be—but wait! Maybe you haven't any ermine muff and neck-piece. Far be it from us to touch a tender spot.
She—(very décolleté). How far do you think a girl ought to go toward revealing the secrets of her heart?
He—(sizing her up). Well, I should say you'd gone about the limit.
Footwear Advice:Two empty bananas make a very good pair of slippers.Health Hint:There is no sure cure for laziness, but a second wife may relieve it.
Footwear Advice:Two empty bananas make a very good pair of slippers.
Health Hint:There is no sure cure for laziness, but a second wife may relieve it.
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Fair maid, how I have longed for thee,That classic face of thineI feared would never look on me,Much less be wholly mine!And now that thou art mine indeed—In fact my last resource—There comes, alas, through direful need,The time for our divorce!
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Health Hint:A good way to air your room is to turn it wrong side out and hang it out the window.
Health Hint:A good way to air your room is to turn it wrong side out and hang it out the window.
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THE KIND THAT MOTHER DIDN'T USED TO MAKE
(Copyrighted)
First get your pumpkin. Then kill it and skin it. Cut pumpkin into small hunks with an axe. Boil the hunks. Boil them some more. Continue to boil hunks until they become a mucky gob. Unless you produce a mucky gob, the pie will be lumpy. Add fresh picked eggs to common cow's milk. Beat the eggs. They may be hard to beat, but beat them. Use a carpet beater if necessary. Now pinch the salt and add the pinch. Add a dash of cinnamon, add a few nutmegs (whole); these will give the pie that rich, nutty flavor so much desired. Add three-fourths cup of molasses. Do not add mustard—this is not a mustard plaster, it is a pie. Now add this mixture to the mucky gob. Stir until thoroughly mixed. Let stand while you give your pie-pans a coat of crust. Then pour mixture into pie-pans until they slop over. Place in a hot oven. When you can't stick a fork into the pies, they are done. Remove pies from oven and place on the back piazza to cool. If the dog likes them, they're all right.
Etiquette Hint:To remove a "sticking plaster," try yawning.yawn
Etiquette Hint:To remove a "sticking plaster," try yawning.
yawn
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Do not put brandy in your mince pies. It spoils it—the brandy, we mean.
We cannot speak too strongly against the pernicious habit of doctoring mince meat with brandy. It lures men on. The first baleful bite rouses the appetite, and soon they will be eating mince pie after mince pie all day, and eventually be laid up with indigestion. And even the aggressive clove curls up and faints when ordered to disguise a mince pie breath.
First, climb the tree where he resides and carefully put him in your hip pocket; then fall heavily to the ground, landing on your back in such a manner as to disfigure the moth permanently.
If he survives, circulate stories derogatory to gypsies generally and he will leave of his own accord.
Horticultural Note:This is a good month to get a slip from an ice plant. Walk through it without rubbers.slip
Horticultural Note:This is a good month to get a slip from an ice plant. Walk through it without rubbers.
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Men are luckless farmers,Their Family Trees will show,For many who grafted PeachesAre ruined by their Blow.
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Golf Rule:If you strike your partner, while driving, the stroke counts against him.Health Note:To cure palpitation of the heart, it is best to ask her at once and have it over with.
Golf Rule:If you strike your partner, while driving, the stroke counts against him.
Health Note:To cure palpitation of the heart, it is best to ask her at once and have it over with.
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The period between the 1st and the 9th will be marked by cold in the head and feet. To relieve cold feet bathe them in hot water before retiring; if they're your wife's, do the same. Another way to relieve cold feet is to get out of the game. From the 9th to the 16th there will be hard sledding for the poor and automobiling for the rich. Along the latter part of the month there will be a wave of hot mince pie, turkey, cranberry sauce, and other good things, followed by headache in the northern portion and stomach-ache in the southern portion.
Sagittarius (the Archer) is the sign in the Zodiac for November. It is "Sag's" business to shoot any good weather that shows itself above the skyline. Sometimes when "Sag" is not looking the summer Indian sneaks through the picket line.
Poultry Hint:Time spent in trying to reform a bad egg is time wasted.Health Hint:Persons troubled with rheumatics should avoid attic rooms, but those who have the "shingles" can sleep on the roof.
Poultry Hint:Time spent in trying to reform a bad egg is time wasted.
Health Hint:Persons troubled with rheumatics should avoid attic rooms, but those who have the "shingles" can sleep on the roof.
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To properly view an eclipse to its full, a party of several good spirits should get together. Whether an eclipse of the sun or the moon, each should take a glass and smoke it. A great deal depends on the quality and character of the glass. Some glasses are much more certain to reveal an eclipse than are others.
If the first glass when properly smoked does not show the eclipse, try another and a stronger one. It is very probable that this glass will show the sun or the moon in the throes of an eclipse. Still another glass will show two suns or two moons. The third glass is likely to show several moons and several suns, fixed stars and those that need fixing, comets and milky ways, sky-rockets and pin-wheels, all combining to eclipse the finest display of Fourth of July fireworks ever projected by the mind of man.
And when the beholder of this mighty spectacle wakes up during the afternoon of the following day and sees but one simple unadorned sun doing business in the whole expanse of the broad, blue heavens, he has a feeling of pity for all those who retired early the night before and missed the social, spiritual, and educative uplift that comes from viewing an eclipse under just the proper conditions.
Health Hint: Young ladies desiring more color in their cheeks should try brushing the same with a two days' growth of bristles on a masculine chin.
Health Hint: Young ladies desiring more color in their cheeks should try brushing the same with a two days' growth of bristles on a masculine chin.
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Now, do not show your resentment toward those who forgot to send you presents last Christmas. Send each of them a little remembrance—but be sure to select something that will force them to spend forty or fifty dollars to take care of it or to surround it with the proper atmosphere. This is much better than mailing a post card and letting it go at that.
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Health Hint:Fatigued brain-workers desiring to engage in some restful employment should try hair-dressing. The barber does most of his head-work with his hands.Household Hint:Do not mistake the cat for a sofa pillow; those who sit on the cat, thinking she is a cushion, will rise again.
Health Hint:Fatigued brain-workers desiring to engage in some restful employment should try hair-dressing. The barber does most of his head-work with his hands.
Household Hint:Do not mistake the cat for a sofa pillow; those who sit on the cat, thinking she is a cushion, will rise again.
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It is encouraging to note that farming in our far Northwest possessions is on the boom. [Note to printer—be careful not to make "bum" out of "boom."] A bulletin issued by the Agricultural Department of our government, just as we go to press, shows that there are at present in Alaska 12 farms, four oxen, 13 cows, 176 chickens, 10 pigs, several cases of pneumonia and numerous games of "freeze-out." During the fiscal year there was harvested in Alaska $165 worth of hay, $95 worth of eggs and poultry, and a big crop of ice. There are certain advantages of farming in Alaska. In harvest time, for instance, a man never sweats at work. He markets his milk frozen and sells it by the hunk. You never hear of anybody crying over spilt milk in Alaska. It's the same way with eggs—no cold storage needed; the eggs are frozen before they are layed, thus retaining their fine, fresh flavor until used. You never hear of an egg passing from the sublime to the ridiculous stage in Alaska.
Farmers in Alaska plow with ice-picks and shoot the seed into the soil with a double-barreled shotgun. The 12 farmers in Alaska held a farmers' institute recently to talk over prospects for the current year. Basing prospects on $165 worth of hay raised last year, they figure that if conditions are favorable they will raise $175 worth this year.
Culinary Note:To pair potatoes, place them two by two.Health Note:For water on the brain try an umbrella.
Culinary Note:To pair potatoes, place them two by two.
Health Note:For water on the brain try an umbrella.
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Little George Hathadash lives in Megawolloppey, Maine, and is now three years old.
This brave ruddy-cheeked boy immediately took the Megawolloppey agency for the "Saturday Evening Roast," feeling sure that his ruddy cheek would carry him through successfully. Next Sunday, when everybody was gathered in church, who should come toddling down the aisle but George Hathadash distributing his first bundle of "Roasts," just as he had seen the train boy sell candy on a train of cars. "Better and brighter than any thermon," cried George Hathadash in his childish treble. "Here's your 'Thaturday Evening Roast,' the brother-in-law of the 'Ladies' Wall Paper.' Better and brighter than any thermon."
Of course that attracted attention, and almost before he knew it George had disposed of his whole bundle and established himself in business. He is now well on his way to win the beautiful prize of a silver carving knife that the "Roast" offers as an extra inducement to its hustling young salesmen.
There are other prizes and any boy with a good ruddy cheek is likely to get one of them.
But all boys are not like George Hathadash. We thinkheis going to be a President of the Common Council.
Health Note:A hot brick is a good thing for the feet; a cold brick is a bad thing for the head.boy
Health Note:A hot brick is a good thing for the feet; a cold brick is a bad thing for the head.
boy
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It is now pretty generally believed that the name given to one to bear with him night and day, during all his years, has a most important influence in the work of shaping his life and fortune.
No doubt a careful investigation of the subject would show that most of the bare-pated men of the nation are so because while they were still helpless little children they were named Archibald, Theobald, Baldwin, and the like, whereas, had they been named Harry, or Harold, or Aaron, they would still be blest with well-thatched polls.
It is the bounden duty of parents to determine the business or profession in which they intend their children shall engage. If they wish their son to become a fancy poultry-breeder they should name him Egbert or Henry; if they wish him to become a surgeon they should call him Lancelot; if an arithmetician, Adam; if a clown, Guy or Joshua; if a street car driver, Oscar; if a real estate dealer, Lot or Orlando; if a man of wealth, Richard; if a debtor, Owen; and if they wish him to "go to grass," Timothy.
The same degree of thoughtful care should be exercised in naming girls, as well. If a girl is to become a musician she should be called Octavia or Dora; if a milliner, Hattie; if a writer, Adaline; if a cook, Dinah or Amelia; and so on to the end of the chapter.
?Why is the standard octopus like a water-lily? Oh, fudge! It isn't like a water-lily at all. It is more like the skunk cabbage which gets a head in the world, but is always in bad odor.
?Why is the standard octopus like a water-lily? Oh, fudge! It isn't like a water-lily at all. It is more like the skunk cabbage which gets a head in the world, but is always in bad odor.
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DIFFIDENT—The proper way to handle a lobster is to have him arrested.
ECONOMY—We know of no place where toothbrushes are laundered.
HISTORIAN—You are right. Noah was the largest individual holder of watered stock during his age.
SCIENCE—Yes, ice is slippery on both sides.
WELL WISHER—We return the $5 note. We cannot accept counterfeit money from admirers.
SPORT—You lose. Adam was born an orphan.
A charming addition to the safety razor is a little fountain attachment that sprinkles the user with Bay Rum.
Up-to-date bachelors are rapidly adopting the new unlosable collar button. This collar button is made of rubber with a little electric light attachment and is guaranteed to bounce for five minutes. Every time it strikes the floor, the impact causes the light to shine brilliantly, thus making it impossible to lose sight of even in the darkest corner.
A New Year Thought:Now is the time to take your pen in hand—to meditate, to practise faithfully until you write with ease, one—nine—naught—EIGHT.To Develop the Calf:Permit it to remain with its mother for two or three weeks. Then teach it to drink milk out of pail.
A New Year Thought:Now is the time to take your pen in hand—to meditate, to practise faithfully until you write with ease, one—nine—naught—EIGHT.
To Develop the Calf:Permit it to remain with its mother for two or three weeks. Then teach it to drink milk out of pail.
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Author of "Foolish Finance"
Over fifty illustrations by Wallace Goldsmith.
More than one hundred thousand copies of "The Foolish Dictionary" have been sold, and throughout the country its seven hundred witty definitions are quoted in every walk of life.
It is a book for everybody who loves fun in words—in fact it's
A DICTIONARYofHUMOR
Uniform with "Foolish Finance." Cloth Price 75c
Author of "The Foolish Dictionary"
A mirthful book on all branches of finance, familiarizing the uninitiated with the funny side of losing money, while making Wall Street see the joke on themselves.
"The Author aims his witty shafts at the monopolists, railroads, banks, mines, insurance companies, and on every page there is something to provoke a smile."—Boston Herald
Over fifty characteristically funny illustrations by Wallace Goldsmith.
Uniform with "Foolish Dictionary". Cloth Price 75c
written by that Brilliant Coterie so Giddy-on-Words, whose contributions to "The Foolish Dictionary," "Foolish Finance" and "The Foolish Almanac" have made those books nationally notable, here appearing under the pseudonym of
Over 100 Characteristic Illustrations by Wallace Goldsmith whose humorous sketches are such an important feature ofThe Foolish Series.
"Even more entertaining, we think, than either of its predecessors."—Boston Advertiser, June 25, 1906.
"Wit and cleverness."—N.Y. Tribune, June 30, 1906.
Cloth, uniform with other books in this series, 7-3/8 x 4-1/2. 160 Pages. Price 75c
Any of the above books will be sent by the publishers, postage prepaid, on receipt of price.