The Project Gutenberg eBook ofThe Foolish Dictionary

The Project Gutenberg eBook ofThe Foolish DictionaryThis ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online atwww.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.Title: The Foolish DictionaryAuthor: Gideon WurdzRelease date: April 1, 2007 [eBook #1989]Language: EnglishCredits: Produced by David Garcia, Michelle Croyle, Jeannie Howseand the Online Distributed Proofreading Team athttp://www.pgdp.net*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY ***

This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online atwww.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.

Title: The Foolish DictionaryAuthor: Gideon WurdzRelease date: April 1, 2007 [eBook #1989]Language: EnglishCredits: Produced by David Garcia, Michelle Croyle, Jeannie Howseand the Online Distributed Proofreading Team athttp://www.pgdp.net

Title: The Foolish Dictionary

Author: Gideon Wurdz

Release date: April 1, 2007 [eBook #1989]

Language: English

Credits: Produced by David Garcia, Michelle Croyle, Jeannie Howseand the Online Distributed Proofreading Team athttp://www.pgdp.net

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY ***

Transcriber's Note:Inconsistent hyphenation in the original document has been preserved.What seems like obvious typographical errors have been corrected in this text. For a complete list, please see theend of this document.This book was not paginated in the original.

Transcriber's Note:

Inconsistent hyphenation in the original document has been preserved.

What seems like obvious typographical errors have been corrected in this text. For a complete list, please see theend of this document.

This book was not paginated in the original.

Gideon Wurdz.GIDEON WURDZ.

GIDEON WURDZ.

In this age of the arduous pursuit of peace, prosperity and pleasure, the smallest contribution to the gaiety, if not to the wisdom, of nations can scarcely be unwelcome. With this in mind, the author has prepared "The Foolish Dictionary," not in serious emulation of the worthier—and wordier—works of Webster and Worcester, but rather in the playful spirit of the parodist, who would gladly direct the faint rays from his flickering candle of fun to the shrine of their great memories.

With half a million English words to choose from, modesty has been the watchword, and the author has confined himself to the treatment of only about half a thousand. How wise, flippant, sober or stupid, this treatment has been, it is for the reader alone to judge. However, if from epigram, derivative or pure absurdity, there be born a single laugh between the lids, the laborer will accredit himself worthy of his hire.

In further explanation it should be said that some slight deference has been made to other wits, and the definitions include a few quotations from the great minds of the past and present. As for the rest, the jury will please acknowledge a plea of guilty from

Gideon Wurdz.

Bet.Between.Dist.Distinguish.Eng.English.Fr.French.Ger.German.Grk.Greek.Lat.Latin.Syn.Synonym.v. i.Verb intransitive.v. t.Verb transitive.

ABSINTHEFrom two Latin words,ad, andsinistrum, meaning "to the bad." If in doubt, try one. (Old adage, "Absinthe makes the jag last longer)."ABSTINENCEabstinenceFrom the Persianab, water, andstein, or tankard. Hence, water-tankard, or "water wagon."ACCESSIONA beheading process by which you may either win or lose a political job. Old spelling,Axe-session.ACCIDENTA condition of affairs in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body better.ADAMANTFrom "Adam's Aunt," reputed to be a hard character. Hence, anything tough, or hard.ADOREFromadd, annex, andore, meaning wealth. Example, foreign nobles who marry American heiressesadorethem.ADVICEA commodity peddled by your lawyer and given away by your mother-in-law, but impossible to dispose of yourself. Famous as the one thing which it is "More blessed to give than receive."GOOD ADVICESomething old men give young men when they can no longer give them a bad example.ADVERSITYA bottomless lake, surrounded by near-sighted friends.AFFINITYComplimentary term for your husband or your wife. Sometimes a synonym for "Your finish."AFTERTHOUGHTA tardy sense of prudence that prompts one to try to shut his mouth about the time he has put his foot in it.AGESomething to brag about in your wine-cellar and forget in a birth-day book The boast of an old vintage, the bug a boo of an old maid.ALCOHOLA liquid good for preserving almost everything except secrets.ALDERMANaldermanA political office known as the Crook's Road to Wealth. From Eng.all, and Greekderma, meaning skin—"all skin."ALIMONYAn expensive soothing syrup, prescribed by the judge for a divorcee's bleeding heart. (Old spelling,allay money).ALLOPATHYFrom Eng.all, everybody, and Grk.pathos, pain. Pain for everybody.HOMŒOPATHYFrom Grk.homoios, same, andpathos. Pain, just the same.ALPHABETA toy for the children found in books, blocks, pictures and vermicelli soup. Contains 26 letters and only three syllables.ANCESTORSThe originators of the Family Tree, a remarkable sex paradox in which the Ann sisters are always the four fathers.ANGELA heavenly ineligible, with wings and a harp; or, an earthly eligible, with money and a heart.ANTI-ROOMSEuphemistic term for Canfield's, New York City.ANTI-IMPERIALISTA patriot whose conscience works overtime.ANTIMONYA metallic substance discovered by Valentine in 1450, and now extensively used in the arts—particularly poker.APPENDICITISA modern pain, costing about $200 more than the old-fashioned stomach-ache.ARGUMENTBreaking and entering the ear, assault and battery on the brain and disturbing the peace.ARSONDerived from the Hebrew. (SeeINSURANCE).ARTISTCommonly, the individual long haired and short-suited, having a positive pose and an uncertain income. Often shy on meal-tickets but strong on technique and the price of tripe sandwiches. An artist may be a barber, a boot-black, a Sargent or a Paderewski.ATHLETEathleteA dignified bunch of muscles, unable to split wood or sift the ashes.AUGUROne who bored the ancients with prophecies.AUTOMOBILEautomobileFrom Eng.ought to, and Lat.moveo, to move. A vehicle which ought to move, but frequently can't.AUTOMOBILISTA land lubber on wheels made up to resemble a deep sea diver.

ABSINTHEFrom two Latin words,ad, andsinistrum, meaning "to the bad." If in doubt, try one. (Old adage, "Absinthe makes the jag last longer)."

ABSTINENCE

abstinence

From the Persianab, water, andstein, or tankard. Hence, water-tankard, or "water wagon."

ACCESSIONA beheading process by which you may either win or lose a political job. Old spelling,Axe-session.

ACCIDENTA condition of affairs in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body better.

ADAMANTFrom "Adam's Aunt," reputed to be a hard character. Hence, anything tough, or hard.

ADOREFromadd, annex, andore, meaning wealth. Example, foreign nobles who marry American heiressesadorethem.

ADVICEA commodity peddled by your lawyer and given away by your mother-in-law, but impossible to dispose of yourself. Famous as the one thing which it is "More blessed to give than receive."GOOD ADVICESomething old men give young men when they can no longer give them a bad example.

ADVERSITYA bottomless lake, surrounded by near-sighted friends.

AFFINITYComplimentary term for your husband or your wife. Sometimes a synonym for "Your finish."

AFTERTHOUGHTA tardy sense of prudence that prompts one to try to shut his mouth about the time he has put his foot in it.

AGESomething to brag about in your wine-cellar and forget in a birth-day book The boast of an old vintage, the bug a boo of an old maid.

ALCOHOLA liquid good for preserving almost everything except secrets.

ALDERMAN

alderman

A political office known as the Crook's Road to Wealth. From Eng.all, and Greekderma, meaning skin—"all skin."

ALIMONYAn expensive soothing syrup, prescribed by the judge for a divorcee's bleeding heart. (Old spelling,allay money).

ALLOPATHYFrom Eng.all, everybody, and Grk.pathos, pain. Pain for everybody.HOMŒOPATHYFrom Grk.homoios, same, andpathos. Pain, just the same.

ALPHABETA toy for the children found in books, blocks, pictures and vermicelli soup. Contains 26 letters and only three syllables.

ANCESTORSThe originators of the Family Tree, a remarkable sex paradox in which the Ann sisters are always the four fathers.

ANGELA heavenly ineligible, with wings and a harp; or, an earthly eligible, with money and a heart.

ANTI-ROOMSEuphemistic term for Canfield's, New York City.

ANTI-IMPERIALISTA patriot whose conscience works overtime.

ANTIMONYA metallic substance discovered by Valentine in 1450, and now extensively used in the arts—particularly poker.

APPENDICITISA modern pain, costing about $200 more than the old-fashioned stomach-ache.

ARGUMENTBreaking and entering the ear, assault and battery on the brain and disturbing the peace.

ARSONDerived from the Hebrew. (SeeINSURANCE).

ARTISTCommonly, the individual long haired and short-suited, having a positive pose and an uncertain income. Often shy on meal-tickets but strong on technique and the price of tripe sandwiches. An artist may be a barber, a boot-black, a Sargent or a Paderewski.

ATHLETE

athlete

A dignified bunch of muscles, unable to split wood or sift the ashes.

AUGUROne who bored the ancients with prophecies.

AUTOMOBILE

automobile

From Eng.ought to, and Lat.moveo, to move. A vehicle which ought to move, but frequently can't.

AUTOMOBILISTA land lubber on wheels made up to resemble a deep sea diver.

BABYbabyFrom Grk.babai, wonderful. Parents are yet to be heard from who don't think theirs is a "wonder."A nocturnal animal to which everyone in a sleeping-car is eager to give a wide berth.BACHELORFrom Latinbaculus, a stick, unattached. Hence, an unattached man, which any lady may stick, stick to, or get stuck on.BACKBITERA mosquito.BALANCESomething wanted by book-keepers and often lost by topers. May be found in a cash-book or the kangaroo gait.BANDITAn outlaw. SeeALDERMAN.BARBERA brilliant conversationalist, who occasionally shaves and cuts hair. Syn. for Phonograph.BARSThings found in harbors, hotels, fences, prisons, courts and music. (Those found in courts and in music are full of beats).BARGAINbargainA disease common to women, caught in the Sunday papers and developed in department stores on Mondays. Symptoms, loud talk, pushing and shoving, a combination prize-fight and foot-ball scrimmage. (Old spellingBark-gain).BASEBALLA game in which the young man who bravely strikes out for himself receives no praise for it.BATSenior partner of Bat, Ball & Co., and never found without the rest of the firm, as it takes several high-balls to make one short bat.BEACHA strip of sand, skirted by water; covered with lady-killers in summer, life-savers in winter, and used as a haven—or heaven—for Smacks the year around.BENEDICTA married male.BENEDICTINEA married female.BENEDICTIONTheir children.BERTHAn aid to sleep, invented by Pullman. Lower preferred.BIRTHAn aid to life, discovered by Woman. Higher preferred.BICYCLE-SKIRTA abbreviated garment that makes women look shorter and men longer.BIGAMYA form of insanity in which a man insists on paying three board bills instead of two.BILLIOUSNESSA liver complaint often mistaken for piety.BILL-OF-FAREA list of eatables. Distinguished from Menu by figures in the right-hand column.BIOGRAPHA stereopticon picture taken with a chill and shown with tremors.BIRDIEA term a woman is apt to apply to a man she is playing for a jay.BIRTHDAYAnniversary of one's birth. Observed only by men and children.BLUBBERThe useful product of a dead whale. The useless product of a live baby.BLUEThe only color we can feel.INVISIBLE BLUEA policeman.BLUSHA temporary erythema and calorific effulgence of the physiognomy, aeteologized by the perceptiveness of the sensorium, in a predicament of inequilibrity, from a sense of shame, anger or other cause, eventuating in a paresis of the vase-motorial, muscular filaments of the facial capillaries, whereby, being divested of their elasticity, they become suffused with a radiance emanating from an intimidated praecordia.BOARDAn implement for administering corporal punishment, used by mothers and land-ladies. "The Festive Board" may be a shingle, a hair-brush a fish-hash breakfast or a stewed prune supper.BOHEMIA(Not on the map.) A land flowing with canned milk and distilled honey and untroubled by consistency, convention, conscience or cash. A land to which many are called and few chosen.BONEOne Dollar—the original price of a wife. Note, Adam, who had to give up one bone before he got Eve.BONNETSA female head trouble, which is contracted the latter part of Lent and breaks out on Easter.BOODLEMoney, born of poor, but dishonest parents, and taken in by the Graft family.BORROWv. t., to swap hot air for cold coin.BOWERA shady retreat, in general.BOWERYA shady retreat in New York.BRACESecurity for the trousers.BRACERSecurity for the stomach.BRACELETSecurity for the pawn-broker.BRAINThe top-floor apartment in the Human Block, known as the Cranium, and kept by the Sarah Sisters—Sarah Brum and Sarah Belum, assisted by Medulla Oblongata. All three are nervous, but are always confined to their cells. The Brain is done in gray and white, and furnished with light and heat, hot or cold water, (if desired), with regular connections to the outside world by way of the Spinal Circuit. Usually occupied by the Intellect Bros.,—Thoughts and Ideas—as an Intelligence Office, but sometimes sub-let to Jag, Hang-Over & Co.BRANDSomething carried on the hip, by either beast or man. Can be found on the outside of a short, red steer, or the inside of a long, black bottle.BRASS BANDA clever though somewhat complicated arrangement for holding a crowd together.BRICKAn admirable person made of the right sort of clay and possessing plenty of sand. What your friends call you before you go to the wall—but never afterward.BRIMSTONEA little bit of Hades, which finds its match on earth and smells to heaven. Better to strike it here than in the hereafter.BREVITYA desirable quality in the Fourth of July oration but not in the fireworks.BROKEA word expressing the ultimate condition of one who is too much bent on speculating.BUMA fallen tough.BUMPA tough fall.BUNCOThe art of disseminating knowledge in the rural districts.BY-STANDEROne who is injured in a street fight.

BABY

baby

From Grk.babai, wonderful. Parents are yet to be heard from who don't think theirs is a "wonder."

A nocturnal animal to which everyone in a sleeping-car is eager to give a wide berth.

BACHELORFrom Latinbaculus, a stick, unattached. Hence, an unattached man, which any lady may stick, stick to, or get stuck on.

BACKBITERA mosquito.

BALANCESomething wanted by book-keepers and often lost by topers. May be found in a cash-book or the kangaroo gait.

BANDITAn outlaw. SeeALDERMAN.

BARBERA brilliant conversationalist, who occasionally shaves and cuts hair. Syn. for Phonograph.

BARSThings found in harbors, hotels, fences, prisons, courts and music. (Those found in courts and in music are full of beats).

BARGAIN

bargain

A disease common to women, caught in the Sunday papers and developed in department stores on Mondays. Symptoms, loud talk, pushing and shoving, a combination prize-fight and foot-ball scrimmage. (Old spellingBark-gain).

BASEBALLA game in which the young man who bravely strikes out for himself receives no praise for it.

BATSenior partner of Bat, Ball & Co., and never found without the rest of the firm, as it takes several high-balls to make one short bat.

BEACHA strip of sand, skirted by water; covered with lady-killers in summer, life-savers in winter, and used as a haven—or heaven—for Smacks the year around.

BENEDICTA married male.

BENEDICTINEA married female.

BENEDICTIONTheir children.

BERTHAn aid to sleep, invented by Pullman. Lower preferred.

BIRTHAn aid to life, discovered by Woman. Higher preferred.

BICYCLE-SKIRTA abbreviated garment that makes women look shorter and men longer.

BIGAMYA form of insanity in which a man insists on paying three board bills instead of two.

BILLIOUSNESSA liver complaint often mistaken for piety.

BILL-OF-FAREA list of eatables. Distinguished from Menu by figures in the right-hand column.

BIOGRAPHA stereopticon picture taken with a chill and shown with tremors.

BIRDIEA term a woman is apt to apply to a man she is playing for a jay.

BIRTHDAYAnniversary of one's birth. Observed only by men and children.

BLUBBERThe useful product of a dead whale. The useless product of a live baby.

BLUEThe only color we can feel.INVISIBLE BLUEA policeman.

BLUSHA temporary erythema and calorific effulgence of the physiognomy, aeteologized by the perceptiveness of the sensorium, in a predicament of inequilibrity, from a sense of shame, anger or other cause, eventuating in a paresis of the vase-motorial, muscular filaments of the facial capillaries, whereby, being divested of their elasticity, they become suffused with a radiance emanating from an intimidated praecordia.

BOARDAn implement for administering corporal punishment, used by mothers and land-ladies. "The Festive Board" may be a shingle, a hair-brush a fish-hash breakfast or a stewed prune supper.

BOHEMIA(Not on the map.) A land flowing with canned milk and distilled honey and untroubled by consistency, convention, conscience or cash. A land to which many are called and few chosen.

BONEOne Dollar—the original price of a wife. Note, Adam, who had to give up one bone before he got Eve.

BONNETSA female head trouble, which is contracted the latter part of Lent and breaks out on Easter.

BOODLEMoney, born of poor, but dishonest parents, and taken in by the Graft family.

BORROWv. t., to swap hot air for cold coin.

BOWERA shady retreat, in general.

BOWERYA shady retreat in New York.

BRACESecurity for the trousers.

BRACERSecurity for the stomach.

BRACELETSecurity for the pawn-broker.

BRAINThe top-floor apartment in the Human Block, known as the Cranium, and kept by the Sarah Sisters—Sarah Brum and Sarah Belum, assisted by Medulla Oblongata. All three are nervous, but are always confined to their cells. The Brain is done in gray and white, and furnished with light and heat, hot or cold water, (if desired), with regular connections to the outside world by way of the Spinal Circuit. Usually occupied by the Intellect Bros.,—Thoughts and Ideas—as an Intelligence Office, but sometimes sub-let to Jag, Hang-Over & Co.

BRANDSomething carried on the hip, by either beast or man. Can be found on the outside of a short, red steer, or the inside of a long, black bottle.

BRASS BANDA clever though somewhat complicated arrangement for holding a crowd together.

BRICKAn admirable person made of the right sort of clay and possessing plenty of sand. What your friends call you before you go to the wall—but never afterward.

BRIMSTONEA little bit of Hades, which finds its match on earth and smells to heaven. Better to strike it here than in the hereafter.

BREVITYA desirable quality in the Fourth of July oration but not in the fireworks.

BROKEA word expressing the ultimate condition of one who is too much bent on speculating.

BUMA fallen tough.

BUMPA tough fall.

BUNCOThe art of disseminating knowledge in the rural districts.

BY-STANDEROne who is injured in a street fight.

CABAffair for a drive.CABBYDriver for a fare.CACHINNATIONcachinnationThe hysterical "Ha-Ha." Syn. for Carrie Nation.CADDIEA small boy, employed at a liberal stipend to lose balls for others and find them for himself.CAFEA place where the public pays the proprietor for the privilege of tipping the waiters for something to eat.CAJOLEv. t., From Grk.kalos, beautiful, and Eng.jolly, to jolly beautifully.CALCIUMAn earthly light that brightens even the stars.CANNIBALA heathen hobo who never works, but lives on other people.CAPTIVATEFrom Lat.caput, head, and Eng.vacate, or empty,—to empty the head. Note, Women who have captivated men.CAPEA neck in the sea.CAPERA foot in the air.CARNEGIE-ITIScarnegieA mania for burning money. Contracted in a Pennsylvania blast furnace, developed in a Scotch castle and now epidemic in American public libraries.CARTv. t., To take off.CARTOONThe take-off.CAULIFLOWERA Cabbage with a college education.CAVALRYThat arm of the military service that engages in the real hoss-tilities.CEMETERYThe one place where princes and paupers, porters and presidents are finally on the dead level.CHAMPAGNEThe stuff that makes the world go round.CHAIRFour-legged aid to the injured.CHARITYForehanded aid to the indigent.CHAUFFEURA man who is smart enough to operate an automobile, but clever enough not to own one.CHRISTIANA member of any orthodox church.CHRISTMASA widely observed holiday on which the past nor the future is of so much interest as the present.CHUMPAny one whose opinion differs radically from ours.CIGARETTEA weed whose smoke, some say, should never be inhaled, and still more insist should never be exhaled.CINDEROne of the first things to catch your eye in travelling.CIVILIZATIONAn upward growth or tendency that has enabled mankind to develop the college yell from what was once only a feeble war-whoop.COLLECTORA man whom few care to see but many ask to call again.COLLEGEFrom Fr.colle, pasted or stuck, andetude, study. A place where everyone is stuck on study. (?)COLONELcolonelA male resident of Kentucky.SeeKERNEL.COMPLIMENTv. t., From Eng.con,—hot air, and Lat.pleo, to fill. Hence, to fill with hot air.COMPLEXIONColor for the face. From Eng.complex, difficult, andshun, to avoid. To avoid difficulty, buy it of the druggist.COMMENDATIONFrom Eng.con, a josh, andmend, to fix up. Hence, a fixed-up josh.CONDUCTORFrom Eng.coin, and Lat.duco, to command. One who commands the coin.CONSCIENCEThe fear of being found out.COOKA charitable institution, providing food and shelter for Policemen.CORPSA big bunch of fighters. (Dist. bet. cores found in apples and corps found in arms).CORSETFrom Fr.corps, shape, andsec, rough. Rough on the shape.COSMETICA new face-maker. From Grk.kosmos, order, and Eng.medic, or doctor,—ordered by the doctor. (See Complexion.)COTA snooze for one.COTILLONA dance for eight.CREDITSomething for nothing.CREDITORSomething with nothing.CREDULITYA feminine virtue and a masculine vice.CREMATIONA means of disposing of the dead likely to become very popular, especially with women who are so fond of having the last retort.CRITICA wet blanket that soaks everything it touches.CROOKOne who exceeds the speed limit in Law & Order Ave. A Misfit in the Straight and Narrow Way.CROWA bird that never complains without caws.CULTUREA degree of mental development that produces tailor-made women, fantastically-sheared poodles and dock tailed horses.CUPIDA driver of sharp darts.CUPIDITYA driver of sharp deals.CYNICA man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

CABAffair for a drive.

CABBYDriver for a fare.

CACHINNATION

cachinnation

The hysterical "Ha-Ha." Syn. for Carrie Nation.

CADDIEA small boy, employed at a liberal stipend to lose balls for others and find them for himself.

CAFEA place where the public pays the proprietor for the privilege of tipping the waiters for something to eat.

CAJOLEv. t., From Grk.kalos, beautiful, and Eng.jolly, to jolly beautifully.

CALCIUMAn earthly light that brightens even the stars.

CANNIBALA heathen hobo who never works, but lives on other people.

CAPTIVATEFrom Lat.caput, head, and Eng.vacate, or empty,—to empty the head. Note, Women who have captivated men.

CAPEA neck in the sea.

CAPERA foot in the air.

CARNEGIE-ITIS

carnegie

A mania for burning money. Contracted in a Pennsylvania blast furnace, developed in a Scotch castle and now epidemic in American public libraries.

CARTv. t., To take off.

CARTOONThe take-off.

CAULIFLOWERA Cabbage with a college education.

CAVALRYThat arm of the military service that engages in the real hoss-tilities.

CEMETERYThe one place where princes and paupers, porters and presidents are finally on the dead level.

CHAMPAGNEThe stuff that makes the world go round.

CHAIRFour-legged aid to the injured.

CHARITYForehanded aid to the indigent.

CHAUFFEURA man who is smart enough to operate an automobile, but clever enough not to own one.

CHRISTIANA member of any orthodox church.

CHRISTMASA widely observed holiday on which the past nor the future is of so much interest as the present.

CHUMPAny one whose opinion differs radically from ours.

CIGARETTEA weed whose smoke, some say, should never be inhaled, and still more insist should never be exhaled.

CINDEROne of the first things to catch your eye in travelling.

CIVILIZATIONAn upward growth or tendency that has enabled mankind to develop the college yell from what was once only a feeble war-whoop.

COLLECTORA man whom few care to see but many ask to call again.

COLLEGEFrom Fr.colle, pasted or stuck, andetude, study. A place where everyone is stuck on study. (?)

COLONEL

colonel

A male resident of Kentucky.

SeeKERNEL.

COMPLIMENTv. t., From Eng.con,—hot air, and Lat.pleo, to fill. Hence, to fill with hot air.

COMPLEXIONColor for the face. From Eng.complex, difficult, andshun, to avoid. To avoid difficulty, buy it of the druggist.

COMMENDATIONFrom Eng.con, a josh, andmend, to fix up. Hence, a fixed-up josh.

CONDUCTORFrom Eng.coin, and Lat.duco, to command. One who commands the coin.

CONSCIENCEThe fear of being found out.

COOKA charitable institution, providing food and shelter for Policemen.

CORPSA big bunch of fighters. (Dist. bet. cores found in apples and corps found in arms).

CORSETFrom Fr.corps, shape, andsec, rough. Rough on the shape.

COSMETICA new face-maker. From Grk.kosmos, order, and Eng.medic, or doctor,—ordered by the doctor. (See Complexion.)

COTA snooze for one.

COTILLONA dance for eight.

CREDITSomething for nothing.

CREDITORSomething with nothing.

CREDULITYA feminine virtue and a masculine vice.

CREMATIONA means of disposing of the dead likely to become very popular, especially with women who are so fond of having the last retort.

CRITICA wet blanket that soaks everything it touches.

CROOKOne who exceeds the speed limit in Law & Order Ave. A Misfit in the Straight and Narrow Way.

CROWA bird that never complains without caws.

CULTUREA degree of mental development that produces tailor-made women, fantastically-sheared poodles and dock tailed horses.

CUPIDA driver of sharp darts.

CUPIDITYA driver of sharp deals.

CYNICA man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

DABBLEv. t., To play in water.DABBLE IN STOCKS—Same thing.DACHSHUNDA low-down dog.DANCEA brisk, physical exercise, invented by St. Vitus.DATESA fruit commonly plucked from the Family Tree and spread on the leaves of history. (Dist. bet. Dates and Peaches, which are often associated).DEADWithout life. See Boston.DEADERPompeii.DEADESTPhiladelphia.DEADBEATOne who makes a soft living by sponging it.DEBTA big word beginning with Owe, which grows bigger the more it is contracted.DEE-LIGHTEDdeelightedAn Oyster Bay localism, derived from delighted.(Patent and Dramatic rights to this word are, until March 4, 1905, the exclusive property of T. Roosevelt, Esq., Subsequent editions of The Foolish Dictionary will define the word at length).DELEGATEFrom Eng.dally, to loaf, and Fr.gate, spoiled. A spoiled loafer.DEMAGOGUEFrom Grk.demos, people, and Eng.gag. One who gags the people.DEMOCRACYA mysterious country, bounded on the east by Richard Olney, on the west by Willie Bryan, on the north by Dave Hill and on the south by Bennie Pitchfork Tillman.DENA cavity.DENTTo punch.DENTISTOne who punches the face and fills cavities.DEUCEAn honest card, in fact the only one that is never known to beat tray.DEVILdevilAn old rascal mentioned in the Bible, now reported engaged to Mary McLane.DIAMONDA bright gem the sparkle of which sometimes renders a woman stone-blind to the defects of the man proffering it.DIARYAn honest autobiography. A good keepsake, but a bad give-away.DIGNITYA narrow, unstable bearing which mental spindle-shanks try to stand upon when they have no other support.DICKENSAn author; polite term for the devil.DIEAn effect.DIETFrequently a cause.DIMPLEA ripple in the gentle whirlpool of a pretty woman's smile.DIPLOMATAn international liar, with an elastic conscience and a rubber neck.DISCOUNTSomething often sold in place of goods.DISCRETIONAn instinctive perception that enables us to say, "Oh, shut up!" to the small, weak man, and "I beg your pardon, but I do not entirely agree with your views," to the large, strong one.DIVEA gambler's retreat.DIVIDENDSA gambler's reward.DIVORCENominally, separation of husband and wife from the bonds of matrimony. In the vicinity of Newport it is frequently a legal formula that immediately precedes a fashionable wedding.DOCKA place for laying up.DOCTOROne who lays you up.DREAMWhat a man may call a woman, though a Pill may have suggested it. Sweethearts are dreams because they seldom come true; wives, because they're often a night-mare, and both because they go by contraries.DRAFT(DRAUGHT) What gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor's bill.DROP-STITCHA kind of feminine hosiery designed to prevent the men from paying too much attention to the open-work, "peek-a-boo" shirt-waist.DRUMSomething noisy, and made to beat.DRUMMERSomething noisy, but impossible to beat. From the Grk.drimus, meaning sharp. Hence, something sharp, that always carries its point and sticks whoever it can.DUSTMud with the juice squeezed out.DYNAMITEdynamiteThe peroration of an anarchist's argument.DYSPEPSIAA good foundation for a bad temper.

DABBLEv. t., To play in water.

DABBLE IN STOCKS—Same thing.

DACHSHUNDA low-down dog.

DANCEA brisk, physical exercise, invented by St. Vitus.

DATESA fruit commonly plucked from the Family Tree and spread on the leaves of history. (Dist. bet. Dates and Peaches, which are often associated).

DEADWithout life. See Boston.

DEADERPompeii.

DEADESTPhiladelphia.

DEADBEATOne who makes a soft living by sponging it.

DEBTA big word beginning with Owe, which grows bigger the more it is contracted.

DEE-LIGHTED

deelighted

An Oyster Bay localism, derived from delighted.

(Patent and Dramatic rights to this word are, until March 4, 1905, the exclusive property of T. Roosevelt, Esq., Subsequent editions of The Foolish Dictionary will define the word at length).

DELEGATEFrom Eng.dally, to loaf, and Fr.gate, spoiled. A spoiled loafer.

DEMAGOGUEFrom Grk.demos, people, and Eng.gag. One who gags the people.

DEMOCRACYA mysterious country, bounded on the east by Richard Olney, on the west by Willie Bryan, on the north by Dave Hill and on the south by Bennie Pitchfork Tillman.

DENA cavity.

DENTTo punch.

DENTISTOne who punches the face and fills cavities.

DEUCEAn honest card, in fact the only one that is never known to beat tray.

DEVIL

devil

An old rascal mentioned in the Bible, now reported engaged to Mary McLane.

DIAMONDA bright gem the sparkle of which sometimes renders a woman stone-blind to the defects of the man proffering it.

DIARYAn honest autobiography. A good keepsake, but a bad give-away.

DIGNITYA narrow, unstable bearing which mental spindle-shanks try to stand upon when they have no other support.

DICKENSAn author; polite term for the devil.

DIEAn effect.

DIETFrequently a cause.

DIMPLEA ripple in the gentle whirlpool of a pretty woman's smile.

DIPLOMATAn international liar, with an elastic conscience and a rubber neck.

DISCOUNTSomething often sold in place of goods.

DISCRETIONAn instinctive perception that enables us to say, "Oh, shut up!" to the small, weak man, and "I beg your pardon, but I do not entirely agree with your views," to the large, strong one.

DIVEA gambler's retreat.

DIVIDENDSA gambler's reward.

DIVORCENominally, separation of husband and wife from the bonds of matrimony. In the vicinity of Newport it is frequently a legal formula that immediately precedes a fashionable wedding.

DOCKA place for laying up.

DOCTOROne who lays you up.

DREAMWhat a man may call a woman, though a Pill may have suggested it. Sweethearts are dreams because they seldom come true; wives, because they're often a night-mare, and both because they go by contraries.

DRAFT(DRAUGHT) What gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor's bill.

DROP-STITCHA kind of feminine hosiery designed to prevent the men from paying too much attention to the open-work, "peek-a-boo" shirt-waist.

DRUMSomething noisy, and made to beat.

DRUMMERSomething noisy, but impossible to beat. From the Grk.drimus, meaning sharp. Hence, something sharp, that always carries its point and sticks whoever it can.

DUSTMud with the juice squeezed out.

DYNAMITE

dynamite

The peroration of an anarchist's argument.

DYSPEPSIAA good foundation for a bad temper.

EAGLEThe national bird of a Christian country; (the United States.) Presumably chosen on account of its being a bird of pray.EARLA title of nobility.EARLYA title of stupidity. See old saw,"Early to bed and early to rise,Makes a man a farmer!"EARTHearthA solid substance, much desired by the seasick.ECHOThe only thing that can cheat a woman out of the last word.ECONOMYDenying ourselves a necessary to-day in order to buy a luxury to-morrow.EGGeggA wholesome, yet fowl, product, of no use until broken. Sometimes a cure for indigestion or bad acting.ELECTIONelectionA periodical picnic for the American People. Held in booths, where the Voter puts in his ballot, and The Machine elects whatever it chooses. A day when the lowliest may make their mark and even beggars may ride; when the Glad Mit gets promiscuous and everything is full—particularly the lodging-houses.ENCOREA greedy theatre-goer's desire to get more than his money's worth. From the Fr.en, among, andcochon, pig,—common among pigs.ENGAGEMENTIn war, a battle. In love, the salubrious calm that precedes the real hostilities.ENTHUSIASTOne who preaches four times as much as he believes and believes four times as much as a sane man ought to.EPITAPHA statement that usually lies above about the one who lies beneath.EQUATORequatorAn imaginary line around the earth. Recently held by J.P. Morgan.ERRTo make a mistake.ERRATICFull of mistakes.ETHEROne of the world's three great composers—the others being Gas and Chloroform—whose airs are popular among the suffering.ETIQUETTEA convenient code of conduct which makes Lying a virtue and Snobbishness a righteous deed.EVOLUTIONA clever trick performed by one Darwin, who made a monkey of Adam.EXCURSIONFromex. former, and Grk.kairo, to enjoy. Hence, a tiresome journey—formerly an enjoyment—sold at half price.EXERCISEBodily exertion requiring a $10,000 gymnasium, a ten-acre lot and impossible raiment. Originally confined to the wash-tub and the wood-pile.EXPANSIONA combination of Grand Larceny and Piracy, involving the destruction of the Constitution and Declaration of Independence.—Boston.The benevolent assimilation of previously oppressed peoples—Washington, D.C.A doubtful commercial experiment.—Wall Street.The white man's burden.—Kipling.EXPLOSIONA good chance to begin at the bottom and work up.EXPOSITIONAn overgrown Department Store, usually opened a year or two behind time.

EAGLEThe national bird of a Christian country; (the United States.) Presumably chosen on account of its being a bird of pray.

EARLA title of nobility.

EARLYA title of stupidity. See old saw,

"Early to bed and early to rise,Makes a man a farmer!"

EARTH

earth

A solid substance, much desired by the seasick.

ECHOThe only thing that can cheat a woman out of the last word.

ECONOMYDenying ourselves a necessary to-day in order to buy a luxury to-morrow.

EGG

egg

A wholesome, yet fowl, product, of no use until broken. Sometimes a cure for indigestion or bad acting.

ELECTION

election

A periodical picnic for the American People. Held in booths, where the Voter puts in his ballot, and The Machine elects whatever it chooses. A day when the lowliest may make their mark and even beggars may ride; when the Glad Mit gets promiscuous and everything is full—particularly the lodging-houses.

ENCOREA greedy theatre-goer's desire to get more than his money's worth. From the Fr.en, among, andcochon, pig,—common among pigs.

ENGAGEMENTIn war, a battle. In love, the salubrious calm that precedes the real hostilities.

ENTHUSIASTOne who preaches four times as much as he believes and believes four times as much as a sane man ought to.

EPITAPHA statement that usually lies above about the one who lies beneath.

EQUATOR

equator

An imaginary line around the earth. Recently held by J.P. Morgan.

ERRTo make a mistake.

ERRATICFull of mistakes.

ETHEROne of the world's three great composers—the others being Gas and Chloroform—whose airs are popular among the suffering.

ETIQUETTEA convenient code of conduct which makes Lying a virtue and Snobbishness a righteous deed.

EVOLUTIONA clever trick performed by one Darwin, who made a monkey of Adam.

EXCURSIONFromex. former, and Grk.kairo, to enjoy. Hence, a tiresome journey—formerly an enjoyment—sold at half price.

EXERCISEBodily exertion requiring a $10,000 gymnasium, a ten-acre lot and impossible raiment. Originally confined to the wash-tub and the wood-pile.

EXPANSIONA combination of Grand Larceny and Piracy, involving the destruction of the Constitution and Declaration of Independence.—Boston.

The benevolent assimilation of previously oppressed peoples—Washington, D.C.

A doubtful commercial experiment.—Wall Street.

The white man's burden.—Kipling.

EXPLOSIONA good chance to begin at the bottom and work up.

EXPOSITIONAn overgrown Department Store, usually opened a year or two behind time.

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