"As I see it," said Lisa as they traveled along, "there is at least one major difference between the problems in the Sniffer Nation and the problems of Chilepepperland. The Chilepeppers, so far as I can determine, are different from one another only in their viewpoints. Some may have had a better education than others, but all were born essentially equal. On the other hand, even if they were born equal, the Sniffer citizens have a real physical reason for their disagreement with the Stinkfoots. If you will forgive my saying so, I cannot believe that either group is necessarily better or more important than the other. It's just that they are physically unable to co-exist."
"As much as it pains me to say it," replied the Sniffer citizen, "I have to agree. After all, the Stinkfoot people used to get along fine with my people, so long as we kept our distance from one another. Now that the Stinkfoots are infringing on our territory, we are forced to take action against them despite our former friendship. But there simply is no alternative. They are taking away our homeland, and pushing us away. There is no other option but to push them back."
"It is a real problem when one specie overcrowds its territory," added Hootsey. "It must pave away all other life forms to further supply its own needs."
"But no one has the right to crowd out what Nature has already established," said Elephant. "Just imagine the chaos it would create if, say, the human race were to become so plentiful that it was leveling rain forests and wiping out all other forms of life to make room for itself."
"That would be terrible," agreed Hootsey. "And it is exactly what the Stinkfoots are doing. Once they have pushed the Sniffers into either isolation or extinction, they may continue to outgrow the territory they occupy and move into other regions where they will do even more damage."
"They have to be stopped at any cost," said the Sniffer man.
"No," said Ozma. "Not at any cost. Even though they are doing bad, they are still counted among my subjects. They are not enemies to Oz, and I will not have them entirely devastated. Our plan has to be fair to both sides, not just one. As we have said, neither side is better than the other. You yourself agreed. We can't allow either race to be lost in favor of the other. That would upset the balance of Nature."
"But how else can we stop them from expanding to wherever they like?" asked the Sniffer citizen.
"There has to be a fair way to settle the dispute," replied the littleQueen. "And it is up to us to find it."
"What if we forbade them from eating any more stinkweeds?" suggested Nibbles. "That way, they wouldn't smell so bad, and the Sniffers would have no further trouble with them. Also, they would no longer need to be living in an area that would help the stinkweeds grow."
"You heard the letter," answered Lisa. "They won't agree to that. They like the smell that they get from the weeds, and they believe it will prevent anyone attacking them. They would never go along with that plan."
"We're almost there" sighed the Sniffer citizen. "But we are no closer to an agreement. What can we do?"
"I intend to speak with your President," replied Ozma. "And I will also meet with the Stinkfoot President."
Ozma and the Lunechien party of five was greeted at the border of the Sniffer Nation by President Humongous Schnozzle himself. Indeed, he must have had the largest nose that Ozma had ever seen. It was longer than that of Elephant! "Probisquous!" he said joyfully. "You're back! And you have brought an army with you!"
"Hello, Mr. President," said the Sniffer messenger. "This is Queen Ozma of Oz and with her are Elephant, Lisa, Hootsey, Tweaty and Nibbles from the Lunechien Forest of Oz. I have told them of our plight, and they have come to try and help."
"And not a moment too soon," said President Schnozzle. "The Stinkfoots have sent me another letter. This time, they are threatening to burn down our village if we do not surrender immediately, I hope that your small army is prepared to stand up to them."
"I did not come to fight," said Ozma with a firmness that surprised even her. "I want to see the two sides come to an arrangement. If that is not possible, we may then have to resort to stronger measures."
"I'm afraid that the Stinkfoots are beyond reasoning," sighed PresidentSchnozzle. "The only recourse we have is to fight fire with fire."
Ozma could see that the Sniffer President was not going to deviate from his present frame of mind without a struggle. "I do understand your position and I sympathize with your feelings," she said. "However, before anyone does anything rash, I wish to speak to President McFoot."
"Then I suggest that you hold your nose," replied Schnozzle. "Otherwise, you'll be overwhelmed by the stench and probably pass out."
"I'll take that chance," said the little Queen. "Just give me an hour to talk to Mr. McFoot before you start any uprising."
"I will give you all the time you want," replied the Sniffer President. "At least, from my side. But if those stinkers start anything, you'd better believe that I will not sit doggo and let them destroy our homes."
"Fair enough," said Ozma. She then followed Probisquous to the edge of the Stinkfoot Nation. "I can't take you any further," he said. "My eyes are already starting to water. I hope you can handle the stinkiness from this point onward. It gets worse the closer you come to those guys."
Ozma thanked him and went on her way. Indeed, the smell was a potent one. She could see why it would ward off any potential attackers. She tried to hold her breath, but that was not something she could do indefinitely. She tried holding her nose and breathing with her mouth, but that was hardly a dignified pose for the Queen of all Oz. When the stench became absolutely unbearable, she found herself face to face with a little boy who sported the tiniest nose she could have imagined. It was about the same size as that of a ladybug. His feet, on the other hand, were enormous. "Who are you?" asked the lad.
"I amb Queen Ozba of Oz," she said with some difficulty. "I amb here to visit with President Stinky McFoot of the Stinkfoot Nation."
"I thought your nose was too small to make you a Sniffer," he said. "But it is sure a lot bigger than any Stinkfoot's. Hey, why are you holding it like that?"
"I'mb afraid that I'mb having a hard time dealing with the sbell of the stinkweeds," she explained, not wanting to hurt the boy's feelings by mentioning his feet, which Ozma felt certain were the real source of the offensive smell. She believed that it would be better to avoid any statement that might be taken as a gesture of insult.
"The stinkweeds?" replied the boy. "But they are delicious. They are our primary food."
This was not going very well, and the little Queen was already feeling nauseated by the stench. She would not be able to take much time explaining her situation before she became physically ill. This proposed a problem, as she had never known illness to exist in Oz. Still, it was a matter that would require a bit of research. "I bust see your President," she sniffled uneasily. "Can you take be to himb?"
"Of course," said the boy simply, taking a handful of the stinkweeds and eating it. "I can take you to his mansion, anyway. I don't know if he'll want to talk. He is preparing to fight the Sniffers for control of the fertile lands, and is very busy with that right now."
"That's just the thing," said Ozma. "I need to discuss that batter with himb."
"Well," said the boy, "you are the Queen. Follow me."
Ozma followed the lad as quickly as she could under the circumstances. The smell only grew more pungent with each step. It was overpowering. But she knew that she had to help the two rivals to come to an arrangement quickly, as the Forest Monster could be doing nearly anything at this point, and she was losing valuable time. She wished that she had sent the forest animals on to speak to the Saber-Toothed Light Bulbs without her, but she knew in her heart that such an act might well have endangered her new friends. If she were not with the animals, the Light Bulbs might well have attacked them. No, this was all she could do. She only hoped that she had not chosen the wrong skirmish to settle first.
When she came to the mansion of President Stinky McFoot, she saw that it was expansive. It was a good sixteen acres wide, and had more rooms than any one man could possibly make use of. She hurriedly knocked on the heavy oak door.
Her knock was answered by a Stinkfoot who was dressed as a butler."Yes?" he said to her.
"I amb Queen Ozba of Oz," she explained. "I amb here to speak to thePresident."
"Queen Ozba of Oz?" replied the butler. "But you are just a child. How can you be the queen of anything? Except possibly a toy box."
"I amb Queen Ozba!" she said. "I amb serious! I bean it!"
"Okay," chuckled the Stinkfoot. "I'll play along for a moment. If you are the Queen of Oz, what is it you wish to speak to President McFoot about?"
"He is planning a war with the Sniffer Nation," said the Queen. "I want to try to find a better way for your people to solve your differences."
"That is very touching," laughed the butler. "But if you were really the Queen of Oz, you would surely know that the matter is already settled. The Sniffer-snuffers will have to let us have the land we need to survive, and that is all there is to it. Now, go home little girl. We have a lot to attend to, and there really isn't any time for your games."
"But I amb really the Queen!" objected she.
"Yes," said the butler, "and I am Charles Dickens. My wife is the Queen of England. Now do run along." He shut the door before Ozma had a chance to say anything more.
"This is not going at all as I planned," sighed Ozma. But the pungent odor was already more than she could take, and she knew that she must get to some fresh air immediately if she was to be of any practical use to either the Sniffers or the denizens of the Lunechien Forest. Dejectedly, she returned to the Sniffer Nation. She was gasping for air by the time she arrived there, and so she breathed in several lungfuls of the cleaner, purer stuff. It was a treat that she was grateful for.
"So what did Stinky McStink have to say?" President Schnozzle asked Ozma upon her return.
"I did not get in to see Mr. McFoot," said Ozma sourly. "But I sure did get a noseful of your immediate problem."
"Our immediate problem is the fact that a bunch of people with stinky-feet are planning to attack and burn our village to the ground. I am sorry, Your Majesty, but we are left with no other recourse but to go to war with them and destroy them all before they do it to us. Surely you can see that they are unreasonable and unkind and un-un—well, a bunch of other words that start with 'un.' We can't allow them to UN-ify us if we can help it, and we Sniffers are a proud people who will not give in without a fight!"
"President Schnozzle," sighed Ozma. "I am not trying to belittle you or your pride. I just don't think that resorting to violence is the way to deal with any situation. It only leads to misery for both sides."
"Not if we win," replied the President.
"In times of war," said Lisa, "there are no winners." The hoot-owl had stayed back with the four Lunechien animals at the Sniffer President's modest home, and was also a little disappointed at Ozma's failure to speak to the Stinkfoot leader. So much had been riding on this meeting.
But Ozma had not gotten in to see him, and the simple fact remained that they were no closer to a solution than they had been before.
"Maybe we need those Saber-Toothed Light Bulbs right here," suggestedNibbles. "Then the Stinkfoots would be too scared to start a fight."
"I doubt it," reasoned President Schnozzle. "I'm not even sure that any Saber-Toothed Light Bulbs could handle the stinky smell of those buzzards."
"Maybe not," said Hootsey. "But it is an idea. What if we were to scare the Stinkfoots back into their own territory?"
"That may be possible," said Ozma. "It looked to me like they had no problem of overpopulation. It was really just their desire to grow more stinkweeds, and their incapability to do so in their soil."
"That's right!" said Lisa. "But no soil can go indefinitely growing the same crop. Anyone who lives in the forest knows that! And even the Munchkin farmers rotate their crops to keep their soil in balance."
"Rotate it?" scoffed the Sniffer President. "You mean like a phonograph record on a turntable?"
"No," replied Lisa. "I mean that if, say, a farmer plants carrots in his fields this year, he will plant something totally different next year. This way, the nutrients in the soil stay in balance and can be used to raise more carrots some other year. It's really very simple. It's kind of like replenishing with one crop what was diminutized by another."
"So you think that, if the Stinkfoots were to grow carrots instead of stinkweeds for a year, they could go back to stinkweeds next year?" said the President uncertainly.
"I'd say more than likely," agreed Lisa.
"But," put in Hootsey, "the Stinkfoots can't live without their stinkweed. Or they refuse to, in any event"
"Maybe we have a solution," grinned Ozma.
"But we don't," said Hootsey. "They will refuse to give up their stinkweeds. You know it's true."
"Not if they can have them," said Ozma. "Listen, President Schnozzle. What would you think of letting the Stinkfoots use your land to grow their food here this year, while the Sniffer farmers use the Stinkfoot Nation to grow anything that they want to eat? You can simply switch territories every year, and the rotation of crops will keep both of your soils fertile."
The Sniffer President sat down in a wooden chair. He was obviously deep in thought. "You know," he said after a time, "I think you have something there. If we can only state this plan to the Stinkfoots, I'm sure it would work. I am beginning to recall that even our own farmers have spoken about this rotation of crops on at least one occasion. And I'd bet that the stinkweeds would have made the soil over there ideal for our dietary staples!"
"More than likely!" said Lisa wisely.
"This is all very nice," said Elephant. "But how are we to propose this idea to a people who is as unwilling to listen as a deaf tree-stump?"
"We have got to gain an audience with President McIdiot—I mean, President McFoot. I suppose it does me no good to make fun of his foolishness."
"Not foolishness," said Nibbles. "Just lack of education. I didn't know until you guys just said so that rotation of crops was a good idea. Mr. McFoot just doesn't know about farming. He may be a very very wise man in a lot of other subjects."
"I think you're right," agreed President Schnozzle. "And I am sorry that I reacted so harshly to his actions, which I can now see that he did out of true concern and love for his subjects."
"In any situation," said Lisa, "it is always best to act, rather than to re-act. It makes you look a lot brighter."
"I wholeheartedly agree," said Elephant. "However, we still have to figure out a way to get McFoot into a position to speak to us."
"Yes," said Ozma, "that is true. If only we could lure him into a neutral place with a strong downwind, then we could …"
The little Queen's words were cut off as a sickening stench suddenly blew in from the open window. A booming voice cried out, "That is the home of Schtupidface Schnozzle! Torch the place!"
Schnozzle ran to the window and saw President McFoot in his military regalia, and he was backed up by several dozen Stinkfoots carrying torches.
"Oh, no!" moaned the Sniffer President. "We are too late!"
The entire party hurried out the door, but were too late to stop the offensive army from setting fire to the home of President Schnozzle.
"My home!" cried he. "My books! My teddy bear! My original Rembrandt!"
"Halt!" cried Ozma. "I am your Queen!"
"It's that silly little girl I told you about, Master," said a Stinkfoot that Ozma recognized as the man who had answered the door. "Ignore the little scamp and let's get on with our revolution!"
"Wait a minute!" shuddered President McFoot. "I have seen pictures of the Queen of Oz in the newspapers. The place no longer is run by that Scarecrow man. I think this child is telling the truth!"
The Stinkfoot soldiers suddenly stood at attention and saluted Ozma.
"Your Majesty," spoke the Stinkfoot President, "I am sorry to inform you that there is a war on. We have need of something that these Sniffers are not allowing us to have. Our survival depends on their annihilation."
"No," spoke Ozma. "It does not. My dear friends from the Lunechien Forest have determined the problems with your crops, and we have come to a solution." She quickly outlined the plan to rotate crops and territory.
"But the silly Sniff-heads have such a modest capitol building," sniffed President McFoot. "I would not want to live in that little old shack, not even for a day!"
"In case you've forgotten," said Elephant, "your troops have just burned up that little shack. I suggest that you put them to work rebuilding it in such a way that it will be pleasing to you both."
"If I go along with this idea," said the Stinkfoot leader, "willSchnozface do the same?"
"I have already agreed to it," said President Schnozzle. "Though I must add that the whole place be fumigated before we trade back. If you don't bind, I'mb starting to feel a little queasy."
With the situation settled, Ozma felt very pleased that there had been no war. Still, there was the other matter to contend with. There may still have to be a war to defeat the Forest Monster that was terrorizing the Lunechien Forest. Of course, Ozma would have preferred that it be settled as well as this situation had been, but this Monster was obviously not going to be ready to listen to reason for at least a jillion years. By that time, there may be no one left in Oz to stop him.
The Sniffers and Stinkfoots agreed to help in the Lunechien Forest should their services be needed to help stop the devastation brought about by the spider-monster. President Schnozzle handed Ozma a small perfume bottle that, when opened, would release a perfume that could be smelled only by a Sniffer, and would reach the distance from the forest in only a matter of minutes. Ozma pocketed the little bottle and thanked the Sniffer and Stinkfoot Presidents. Then Ozma and the party of five was on its way to the land of the Saber-Toothed Light Bulbs.
"How far is it from here?" asked Elephant, who was still carrying the others on his broad back.
"Well," said Hootsey, "it isn't exactly close. We will have to travel through some fairly rough territory to get to the Light Bulbs. But I'm sure our pachyderm is up to it, if anyone is. And we do have our new Queen along as well. I really don't think we'll have too many problems."
However, unbeknownst to the little owl, problems were exactly what lay ahead of them. The elephant walked on for a few miles without incident, but then came upon a marshy area. "I don't remember this place," said Hootsey with disdain.
The marshy area was barren of all trees. Stretched out before them lay what seemed to be miles of reeds surrounding patches of dirty looking water with steam rising to form a veritable fog. The whole area looked very formidable and quite scary.
"I don't like this a bit," Elephant remarked, with a concerned expression on his face. "Who knows what's laying in wait under that water? And it doesn't look as if we could get very far without walking through it."
"And who knows how deep the water is?" Tweaty said. "It could be two feet or twenty; maybe even some of the solid ground is really quicksand!"
Just then a loud twittering sound was heard; soft at first but then increasing in volume to totally surround the little group. Then heads appeared above the reeds to signify the source of the twittering. The heads were square; powdery white; and with round eyes like you might see on a stuffed toy—except the expression on the square faces was anything but cute. One rather large creature stood up to reveal a body of the same substance. His whole body looked as if it was composed of giant marshmallows, including his arms and legs.
"I suppose," he shouted in a booming voice that sounded as if it were coming out of the bottom of a barrel. "I suppose you people think you are going to traverse our lands."
"Not really," answered Elephant.
"Oh, how silly of me. Of course you are just here for a picnic," responded the creature with a sneer. "I should have realized. Quick! Grab 'em, boys!"
The little band was immediately surrounded by hundreds of the creatures who threw fishing nets over them, then rolled out wooden cages on wheels.
After everyone was confined in the cages, the leader stepped forward to address them again.
"Big mistake. Big mistake you made coming here. Not one trespasser has ever set foot on our land and lived to tell the tale. You see, we are the Keepers of the Crocodiles who live in these marshes and swamps. And in return for keeping them well fed, they have agreed not to eat us and to allow us to coexist with them in these waters. The substance of our bodies is a sweet marshmallow material and we would be prey to all kinds of creatures if we had to depart these lands. We were made of the same material you are at one time, but we made the mistake of crossing swords with a Wicked Witch and in a fit of anger, before you could say 'Jacky Robinson,' she changed us into marshmallows. So here we are, and here you are, just in time to feed a bunch of hungry crocodiles. Which is too bad, really, but that's life—death sooner or later. And in your case, it's sooner."
Elephant and Nibbles and Tweaty and Hootsey and Ozma and Lisa all looked at each other with despair and foreboding.
"Look," said Elephant to the leader of the marshmallow people. "I am a huge animal. My body will keep those crocodiles fed for weeks. While Tweaty here, and Hootsey and Lisa, are tiny creatures. The crocodiles would not even taste them. Why don't you let them go?"
"Hmmmm," murmured the marshmallow leader. "You have a point there. In fact, the crocodiles could get quite annoyed with us for feeding them such tiny morsels. Okay. We'll let them go. But what about her?" he said, pointing to Ozma. "She would be quite a delicacy."
"Delicacy?" echoed Ozma. "I am not a delicacy. I am Ozma, Queen of Oz!"
The marshmallow man looked at the child and giggled. "You are the Queen of something? Yeah, right! And I suppose that next you're going to tell me that mortal men will one day be able to travel to the moon and back. Ha! That's a laugh!"
"But it's true!" argued Elephant. "Ozma is the ruler of Oz."
"Indeed," added Lisa. "I'll admit, I was also a little shaken when I first learned that the Queen of Oz was a little girl. But you must understand that Ozma is of Fairy descent. She is not like a mortal child at all. She has special abilities and powers that…"
[Illustration: Elephant and others in Cages]
"Silence!" shouted the marshmallow man. "I am not interested in hearing your lies! This child is simply a tender and mouthwatering human delicacy for the crocodiles to eat! That is all!" He looked at Ozma and laughed. "Fairy descent? This is not a Fairy! I know about these things! Fairies are tiny little critters with wings like those on one of our dragonflies. This is just a human child. A perfectly ordinary human child!"
Ozma looked at him indignantly, but she said nothing more. She knew that it would be hard to convince anyone of her origin without some sort of proof. And, indeed, what would serve as sufficient proof to convince this Doubting Thomas? She knew all too well that, throughout history, skeptics have always been known to cling to what they thought to be truth, even when it was a foolish belief that they were clinging to. Indeed, mortals in America had placed a great deal of faith in a substance called radium. A highly radioactive and dangerous substance, radium was being treated as a miracle medicine that had been hailed as a cure-all for anything! This marshmallow man was every bit as small-minded as the mortal men. If she were going to prove her position and power, she would have to break through the imaginary wall that he had built up in his mind concerning the proper look of Queens and Fairies.
"My good man," she said in her most dignified voice, "I can understand why you might assume what you do. It is true that I look more like a little girl than the ruler of a vast country like Oz. And it is true that some Fairy groups can be described as you have just suggested. However, it is also true that there are different kinds of Fairies, just as there are different kinds of marshmallows. The Fairy Queen Lurliné does not have wings, and she looks quite human, too. But if it is so important to you, I can probably meet with your needs in a satisfactory manner." She put her fingers to her temples and concentrated.
"What are you doing?" asked the marshmallow man in puzzlement. Then: "Chicanery in Chittenango!" he exclaimed. "You have wings! But you didn't have them a second or two ago!"
"Nor have I got them now," explained Ozma. "But I have made myself appear to you as you would have me appear. Because I am a Fairy, I can make myself look any way I please. But underneath, I am still the same little girl I have always been." The wings vanished again.
"But how can this be?" shuddered the marshmallow man.
"It is really very simple," explained Ozma. "When I first took the throne of Oz, I had the same blonde hair that you see me with now. But I might decide one day to be a brunette." Her hair suddenly changed color as she spoke. "Or even a redhead." Again, the child's hair changed color. "Why, if I had a mind to, I could even make it green!" Again, her hair color changed. "You know, I think I might want to try being a brunette once in a while. Just for a change, you know. And if ever I must meet with dignitaries from another country—especially one of those narrow-minded mortal lands, I think I might want to appear to them as an adult. But, of course, I like being youthful, so I will not really age. I will just make myself appear that way on occasion when the situation calls for it."
The marshmallow man fell to his marshmallow knees. "Forgive me, your Highness!" he said. "You really are a Fairy! I most humbly apologize for my mistake. But you must admit, you really did look like a mere human child. How was I to know?"
"I don't think it should have mattered," said Elephant. "Do you really imagine that it is ever proper to feed any sentient being to a crocodile? Even a regular mortal child?"
"You are a wild animal," spoke the marshmallow man. "You should know better than anyone that such is the way of survival. We do not want the crocodiles to eat us, but we know that they must eat. I doubt that they would be satisfied with tofu or falafel burgers, either. These crocodiles are carnivorous, and they require fresh meat in order to survive. Would you have them become extinct?"
"He has a point," said Hootsey. "We really can't blame the crocodiles for their metabolisms. But we can't allow them to eat our Queen, either!"
"Oh, no," said the marshmallow man. "Now that I know who she is, I have no intention of feeding her to the crocodiles any more."
"Nor any of my companions," said Ozma in a tone of voice that would not tolerate any argument. "But you do have a legitimate problem. You are citizens of Oz, and therefore my subjects. I will not allow any of my subjects to be threatened by any carnivorous crocodiles."
"Then the crocodiles will not be able to survive," said Lisa sadly.
"But nothing can actually die anywhere in Oz," said Nibbles.
"Then they will grow horribly uncomfortable if they can't eat what Nature dictates they should," said Lisa. "I, for one, would rather die than have a constant emptiness in my tummy or lack of energy due to malnutrition."
"Indeed," agreed Elephant. "To go hungry is a terrible fate. Isn't there some alternative?"
"Nothing short of allowing the crocodiles to eat you," replied the marshmallow man.
"Then all is lost," sighed Hootsey. "Our benevolent ruler will have to decide who will be the recipient of her benevolence. It will have to be a choice between the carnivorous crocodiles or their natural source of food. One of the two must suffer."
"How sad," said Lisa. "I had always heard that rulers and queens had a tough job, but I had always doubted it. On the surface, it looks like queens get to live in beautiful palaces with servants who meet all of their needs. And they are allowed to go to bed any time they like, or eat chocolate ice cream for breakfast if they wish. But now I begin to understand why their lives are so difficult. I sure wouldn't want to have to make a decision like that. Basically, you'll be condemning an entire race to extinction—just like the dodo bird or the winkledejimpker!"
"Couldn't we use criminals and thieves to feed to the crocodiles?" suggested Nibbles.
"I will not allow even them to be tortured this way," said Ozma. "Even a thief deserves a chance to make up for his past misbehaving."
"Then what can we do?" asked the marshmallow man.
"Hey!" said Elephant, suddenly having an idea. "There is a grove of trees that grows near the Lunechien Forest. Some of the trees have fruits growing on them. Others have seed pods or alarm clocks or other such normal things that one always expects to find growing on trees. But I think there are also a couple of ham and sausage trees there. I'll bet they would suffice for the crocodiles. Then they wouldn't have to eat any living creatures in order to satisfy their natural cravings."
"A grand idea!" said the marshmallow man. "I have never heard of such odd trees as those, but I'm sure the crocodiles will be thrilled to learn that they no longer have to be hated and feared by their fellow beings."
"Of course," said Lisa. "No one wants to be feared. And if they are now able to get their meat without any stalking or struggling, they might need some other form of exercise to keep from growing fat or sluggish. I think we should organize some group activities that will allow the crocodiles and owls to interact together as friends."
"And maybe Pinky and I could arrange a similar thing for us elephants to get together with them."
"I think the mice would be a little too scared," shuddered Nibbles.
"Not after I have one of those ham trees transplanted in their marsh," said Ozma. She turned to the marshmallow man. "Would you be willing to take charge of that?"
"Of course," he replied. "It will also make my own people live in greater comfort to know that the crocodiles will never be hungry for them again. But … er, just out of curiosity, are there any marshmallow trees around? Just to be on the safe side, you know."
They all laughed.
The Droffs and the Gilligoggs had never understood each other. They were a different people, really. For example, the Droffs were shaggy-looking creatures with forms that resembled the Wooly Mammoth. They had short squat legs like tree trunks; short squat little bodies with arms to match, and heads that were too large for their bodies with eyes that were buried beneath long straggly shaggy fur. Their voices had a deep gruff sound not unlike a cave man might have sounded, and their words came out in a torrent of grunts that did not vary in tone and that did not exactly follow the rules of grammar. For example: "Who you?" "What you name?" "How got you this place?" "Why you here for?" etc. Whereas the Gilligoggs were quite elegant—even sophisticated—compared to the Droffs. They were tall and slender, with long delicate fingers that they waved expressively as they talked. They also had long hair but it was as soft and sweet smelling as the Droffs' hair was coarse and pungent. Their faces were feminine looking (even the males) with long curling eyelashes, delicately chiseled features, full lips, etc. The only perceptible difference between the males and females was that the males' voices were a little deeper, and they were a little taller.
Anyway, as you can imagine, two peoples that were so different had very little love for one another. Why this should be I do not know, except that people with different appearances seem to distrust each other, even when there has been no physical aggression between them. Neither group would willingly mix with the other either socially or even live in the other's neighborhood. Each race pretty much kept to itself.
I suppose that in a way, the Gilligoggs looked down on the Droffs. They considered them somehow inferior to themselves. The Droffs were well aware of this and were deeply resentful. Now if you or I were to try to analyze the exact reason for this, we might fall short of our goal. We could say that the Gilligoggs were far more intelligent because their speech was more sophisticated. But if you took the trouble to get to know a Droff, you would find that, in spite of their crude manner of speech, they are, as a whole, equally as intelligent as the Gilligoggs, except that they express their intelligence in a different way. Another argument might be that the Droffs were not nearly so sweet smelling in comparison. Now, this may be true in one way, but in actual fact, the Droffs had just as high a standard of personal hygiene as the Gilligoggs. It was just that the Gilligoggs' olfactory senses were sensitive to the natural scent of the Droffs (just as the Droffs' olfactory senses were equally sensitive to the natural scent of the Gilligoggs). And while neither group found the other offensive in this way, they could detect a difference, albeit on a subconscious level. Another argument might be that the Droffs had lower social standards than the Gilligoggs. This argument, too, has to fall by the wayside. For reasons that we will not go into here, the Droffs had had difficulty in keeping up with the Joneses, so to speak. Due to circumstances beyond their control, they had not done quite as well on a socioeconomic scale. So there you have it. And this was the situation that Elephant and his pals were confronted with after their excursion with the Marshmallow people. As they continued on their way to the home of the Saber-Toothed Light-Bulbs, they hardly expected yet another interruption. But it happened all the same. A particularly tall and attractive Gilligogg woman who looked to be about sixteen approached them. She had dark hair that glistened in the sunlight in a particularly gorgeous manner which reminded Lisa of fine silk.
"Greetings," said Ozma to the young lady. Even though she was not anxious to be interrupted again, she was always polite to her people. She knew that, in order to be a good ruler for the land of Oz, she should be aware of the individual needs of all of the Ozites.
"Good morrow," came the reply. The lady's voice was like music. Beautiful music such as is usually reserved only for the Fairies, angels or gods. So in awe of this lovely lady were our adventurers that only Ozma found her voice which, though beautiful in its own youthful manner, did not hold a candle to that of this Gilligogg lady.
"I am Ozma, the Queen of Oz," said the little girl. "My friends and I are on our way to enlist the help of some people who live beyond your territory. I hope you won't mind if we pass through your lovely country."
"You are the Queen," said the lady. "I am only a princess. Far be it from me to tell you what you can or can not do." She seemed disinterested as she spoke. "My name is Dianna, and my father is the ruler of the Gilligoggs." If this young lady felt any doubt that Ozma was indeed a queen, she did not let on. Indeed, she seemed unconcerned as to the identity of her queen. "But I shall tell you that the Gilligoggs are the only people in this region. We are all that is here. Well, unless you count the Droffs. But you could not be looking for the Droffs. They are so far beneath your station."
"Oh, no," sighed Tweaty. "I think we are about to get stuck in the middle of another time-consuming battle like the Stinkfoot and Sniffer war! This will not be a good thing for any of the Lunechien Forest denizens. Why, for all we know, that Forest Monster may already have destroyed all of our friends and neighbors back home!"
"There is no war here," said Dianna matter-of-factly. "We Gilligoggs are above such barbarous practices. Why, if I had to fight, I might break a fingernail. But we do wish that the Droffs would go away. So long as they are about, the property value on our homes must surely be going way down."
[Illustration Ozma and a Droff]
"My my!" said Elephant. "Are these Droffs some sort of frightful monsters, like the Kalidahs?"
"They are worse," said Dianna with a most elegant and sophisticated shudder. "They look like… Well, actually they look a lot like you, only they are all hairy and vulgar. You, at least, are not covered with all that coarse fur. Still, I wonder if you might be related to them." She took a nail file from her pocket and looked at her hands in an uninterested manner.
"So then, they are elephants?" asked Nibbles.
"Shaggy elephants?" tweeted Tweaty.
"Wooly mammoths?" questioned Lisa and Hootsey together.
"Neither of those," replied the princess. "They are just Droffs."
"We did not come to seek the Droffs," said Ozma. "Nor did we come to see the Gilligoggs. We were looking for the Saber-Toothed Light-Bulbs. Are they not in this area?"
"They are," said Hootsey with certainty. "I know they are."
"Perhaps," said the young lady. "Perhaps they are among the Droffs. I do not know of them. Nor do I especially care to. They might be unpleasant."
"But how can you know whether or not they are pleasant if you refuse even to see them?"
"Best to be safe," said Dianna. "Why invite trouble? We Gilligoggs have always known that we are superior to all other living beings, so we avoid contact with anyone else. If we start to invite trouble, we're sure to get it in great doses."
"But that's awful!" put in Tweaty. "You don't even give them a chance?"
"Why should we? They are not Gilligoggs. Heavens! They have the most outlandish-looking noses!" She eyed Elephant in a scrutinizing manner.
"I think I should like to meet these Droffs," harrumphed Elephant.
"Then by all means please leave as quickly as you can," said Dianna. "I would not want my people to have to gaze upon anyone who would associate with Droffs. They are messy things at best. I had offered you a great honor in speaking to you, but you obviously do not appreciate it. Had the dross not been with you, Miss Queen of Oz, I should not have even acknowledged them. Good day to you…" So saying, the princess walked away without looking back.
Our six adventurers hurried through the Gilligogg territory. Few of the Gilligoggs even stopped to look at them as they passed through. Before long, they came upon a creature who looked a good deal like Elephant, and who was obviously a Droff.
"Hey," said the Droff. "Who you am?"
"I am Ozma, Queen of Oz," said the child.
"You much good to be here," replied the Droff. "Me are called Biff. Who is them?"
Each of the five Lunechiens introduced himself.
"Me likes Elephant lots," said Biff. "Him look like Droff, but smooth. Him might relative to me I. Maybe like Droff. Ozma Queen and others like eat? Droffs no have much, but share. Me have oatmeal with much gravy. For nice Queen, me even serve with sprinkles. Me likes Queen lots, and Elephant. Have good seeds for birdies, too. Mouse want cheese? Me haves Swiss. Usually only haves Swiss on Sunday. It is holey. But for friend of good and nice Queen, me get some for nice little mouse."
"How kind," said Nibbles. "Thank you."
The Droff, though not as graceful as he might have been, served up a repast that was happily received by his guests.
"The Droffs are obviously more hospitable than the Gilligoggs," saidTweaty.
"Gilligoggs?" echoed Biff. "You am knowing Gilligoggs?"
"We just passed through their country on our way here," explained Lisa.
"Me wish me knew Gilligoggs," sighed Biff. "Them not let Droffs pass through. Not come to visit Droffs, neither. To Gilligogg, Droff land just place to dump stuff they no want."
"Stuff?" asked Ozma. "What stuff?"
"Old stuff, most," replied the Droff. "Rotted foods. Old packages.Cigarette ends. You am knowing. Stuff."
"What slobs!" said Lisa with distaste. "And that princess had the nerve to say that Droffs were messy!"
"But it explains why the Droffs have such low-quality land," sighedOzma. "It isn't that the Droffs are unsanitary. The very reason theGilligoggs look down on the Droffs is caused by the Gilligoggsthemselves!"
"They are high and sophisticated, I guess," added Hootsey. "But their refusal to see what they are doing to the world around them has made them into a life form that is most undesirable. They have made themselves become exactly what they dislike in others."
"Me thinks that is not Gilligogg's fault," said Biff, defending his neighbors. "Me has seen that all hatred do that lots. If you hate something so bad that you try to be away from it a lot, you start to be turning into it you self. Me not like hate. Me hate hate most hatefulishly."
"Yes," agreed Lisa. "When knowledge is used for cruel purposes, there is no knowledge any more. Both sides end up losers. I think the Gilligoggs could learn a lot from the Droffs."
"Me thank you, owl bird," said Biff with a smile. "You am nice. Me likes you."
"Me likes … I mean, I like you, too," said Lisa. "Now tell me, do you know of the Saber-Toothed Light-Bulbs?"
"Light-Bulbs?" echoed Biff. "Not know. Not do. Maybe friend know of that, though. Friend are much smart and also wise. Him have good and useful glass head. Him and him's people living close nearby. Them have seen much."
"Hmmm," said Ozma. "Have them got large, sharp teeth?"
"Oh, yes!" said Biff. "Much good for opening packages! Much nice, friends are. You be liking Droffs' friends. Me can take pretty queen and nice Elephant and friends to see Droffs' friend as shortly as you am finishing eatings. Me can show to other Droffs, too."
"I would like that very much," said Ozma. "I think I will like theDroffs just fine."
"And them would be liking you," said Biff with certainty.
As soon as the visitors finished eating, the kindly Droff led them to an adjacent valley wherein they saw bright lights. These, as Hootsey explained, were the Saber-Toothed Light Bulbs themselves. From a distance, they looked pretty much like ordinary light bulbs. But as our little party drew closer, they could see the individuality of each Saber-Toothed Light Bulb. One of the larger Light Bulbs saw them approaching and lit up. "Look, fellows!" he said. "It's Biff! And he has brought some friends along!"
"Hi, Watts!" said Biff to the light bulb. "Me is so happy to seeing you! Me haves the Queen of Oz here, too. Her wants to meet you. Her are much good and nice. You are liking her?"
"Of course," replied Watts. "Any friend of Biff's is a friend of mine!"He extended one of his long appendages to the small queen. She took itin her hand. "It is a pleasure," said Watts to Ozma. "I had heard thatOz had a new queen. I am glad to see that you are a kind-looking one."
"Thank you," said Ozma.
"So what can I do for you?" asked Watts, quickly realizing that there had to be some sort of business that had brought the queen to see him.
"Well," began Ozma, not sure just how to begin her explanation, "theLunechien Forest of Oz has come upon a problem."
"Oh, no!" said Watts. "That's awful! What kind of a problem?"
"It seems that there is a terrible monster that is threatening our fine forest," she began. "A very large spider-like creature."
"Sounds beastly!" shuddered the light bulb.
"And he can sap away the energy from any living creature and render him an empty shell of himself," added Tweaty.
"My!" said Watts. "That does sound like a problem! Is there anything I can do to help? If you need to move away from this monster, you are welcome to join us. The Droffs and the Saber-Toothed Light-Bulbs are not crowded in. We can make room."
"That is very kind of you," said the ruler. "But I was hoping that maybe you could come and stand up to the Forest Monster. No one else can do it. Even I would hesitate to approach them. But I know that you could do it. How could any foe of any size stand against you?"
"You want us to fight this Forest Monster?" said Watts fearfully.
"Well," sighed Ozma. "I am not usually in favor of such cruelty. I would be sorry to harm him. But I am left with little choice. Already he is too strong to be reckoned with. I have been a queen for only a short time. I do have fairy powers, but am not anxious to face the Forest Monster myself. If you could at least back me up while I try to reason with him…"
"Don't waste your time," said Tweaty. "You can't reason with that thing.It will bite you in half before you get past the greeting."
"Say," interjected Hootsey. "Maybe that isn't so. We have already seen Ozma do some amazing things. She can change the color of her hair, for example. Maybe she could use some of her fairy magic to scare away the spider! Why, if she can change her physical form, she could easily become a Giant or a Kalidah!"
Ozma looked fearful. "I'm not sure I'd want to try that," she said. "I might just make him all the more angry. He may already have more power than we think he has. But you do have a point. I do have some powers that I should try to make use of. Having only been a fairy for a short time, I'm not altogether sure what powers I may have at my disposal. Alas, I was the boy Tip for so long that I have not had much practice being Ozma yet."
"You could practice some magic on me," said Tweaty, trying to be helpful. "Maybe you can turn the Forest Monster into a pumpkin or something. I don't mind if you practice on me, so long as you put me back the way I'm supposed to be."
"That sounds like a good idea," agreed the Saber-Toothed Light-Bulb. "But still, I'm happy to come along to back you up. That way, if I am needed, I'll be there. If I am not needed after all, I will still have had a nice bit of travel to write about in my journal."
"You are very kind," said the little Queen. "And I am sure that I must practice using my powers a lot more than I already have. This will be a good learning experience for me, and can only make me a better ruler for the land of Oz." She put her hands to her temples and concentrated on the canary.
"Am I changing?" asked the bird.
"You look the same to me," answered Lisa.
"I need my Silver Wand," said Ozma. "That often helps me while I'm gaining prowess at a new spell." She had the magical tool with her, so she took it from its case and made a number of intricate passes in the air with it. Still, Tweaty failed to change.
"Maybe there are some words you're supposed to say while you're doing your magic spell?" wondered Elephant.
"Yes," said Ozma as a Light-Bulb jumped over her head. "I think you're right! Let me think…. I should know the word." She again put her hands to her head and concentrated. "Haamhaamkablams-w," she said in a chanting voice. "Haamhaamkablams-w."
Tweaty began to change in form and substance. Within moments, he had taken on the shape of a housecat. He still had his yellow feathers, however. "Awk!" he said. "Look what you did to me! This is the worst possible form to place on a canary! Turn me back! Please turn me back!"
"I meant to make you a pumpkin," sighed Ozma. "But this is still new to me. I will try again."
This time, Tweaty became an orange elephant. He was no larger than he had been as a cat, but his shape was very clearly that of a pachyderm.
"How cute!" said Elephant. "You look like me, only smaller and oranger!"
"Yeah," said Tweaty. "I guess I do. But I'm not sure this is going to work on the Forest Monster. If you were to change him into another sentient animal, he'd just go back and do it all over again. You must turn him into something inanimate. But please, this is very uncomfortable. I'm used to being able to fly at will, and this form seems so … so ungainly. No offense, Elephant. I think you make a terrific elephant. But I make a lousy one."
"But you do make a wonderful bird," agreed the pachyderm. "Yes, Ozma, do put him back the way he was. As adorable as he is, he isn't exactly a model specimen of my race."
"Of course," said Ozma, again raising her Silver Wand. She did her spell once more. This time, nothing happened. "I am sorry," sighed Ozma. "I am already feeling exhausted. I'm afraid I will have to wait a while before I can do it again."
"You mean," said Tweaty, "I have to look like this until you are able to rest up?"
"I'm afraid so," said Ozma sadly. "I'm sure that will change as I grow more experienced. You have to remember, I am only beginning to get my sea-legs as a fairy. Once I am more proficient, I'm sure I'll be able to do things like this all day long without becoming exhausted. Just give me time."
"And in the meantime I have to look like a little orange elephant," sighed Tweaty. "I'm sure glad my mother can't see me right now!"
"But Tweaty's not the main issue right this minute," said Watts. "Not that I am unsympathetic with his feelings or anything like that, but I do sense a certain degree of urgency at getting to your Forest Monster quickly. I'm sure that all of the Saber-Toothed Light-Bulbs will be happy to go and see what we can do. We are always anxious to help good folks like yourselves. And even though it isn't something I'm terribly proud of, I can be very ferocious when I have a mind to be." As if to prove his statement, Watts opened his mouth as wide as he could, revealing the sharpest-looking teeth Ozma had ever seen. Indeed, his teeth resembled sabres, which may have been the reason for their title.
Elephant shuddered in his skin. "I'm sure that a few of you would aptly frighten the Forest Monster out of our forest," he said tremblingly. "Hopefully out of Oz altogether!"
"Splendid," replied Watts. "Come, follow me. I know a short-cut that will allow us to avoid the Gilligoggs. Not that I am afraid of the Gilligoggs or anything. I just find them unpleasant to have to deal with. Come this way, and we will soon be on our way to the Lunechien Forest of Oz!"
As the little group, together with a party of five of the Saber-Toothed Light-Bulbs, turned a bend in the road, they came upon a huge dried sea bed. They could see for miles, and there was not a soul in sight.
"I think we're in uncharted territory," remarked Elephant, peering into the distance. "I don't remember anyone ever mentioning this. But it looks safe enough to cross. No more unpleasant surprises, I'm sure."
At that moment a deep disembodied voice said, "Dinnah iss serffed, laddies and lassies, pliss shtep oop to da table."
Everyone turned around to see who was speaking, but could see no one.
Suddenly, several mounds of sand that they had not noticed before began to quiver and slowly rise a couple of feet above the ground. The mounds shook themselves and the sand fell off to reveal about fiftyGreat White Sharks. They were not suspended above the ground as it first seemed, but were supported with legs like an alligator.
This was a frightening scene to behold, as you can well imagine. And when their leader approached our heroes, he repeated the words "Dinnah iss serffed," and licked his lips with anticipation.
He spoke again in that very strange accent, this time addressing Elephant: "Vatt iss a madder vi' chew? You nebber seen land sharks 'afore?"
"N-N-N-No, w-w-w-we h-h-h-haven't," stuttered Elephant.
"Habben chew?" the leader said, winking at his friends. "Den ah vill share some knowletch vi' chew to take vi' chew to da hereafter. (The other sharks roared with laughter at this). Ven our ocean dried oop millons off yearss ago, all da fishies died, includen uss sharks—except for two, zat iss. Undt dare chilluns ver born vi' liddle leggies. Ve arrda descendants off dose two, undt ve haff effolved over da yearss to our present selfs. Fully adapted to da land. Undt ve haff kept alive all deess yearss on a steady diet off hunsuspecting helaffant. So vat chew 'tink 'bout zat?"
"N-n-not t-t-too m-m-much," answered Elephant in a high pitched voice."I-I mean, I d-d-d-don't know wh-what t-to think."
"Tell chew vat ve do," said the shark. "Chew seem like nice a guyss. Ve no eat chew tonight. Ve eat chew tomorrow—fer break'ast."
[Illustration: Land Sharks]
All the sharks laughed uproariously, whereupon they surrounded our heroes and promptly lay back down in the sand and went to sleep.
"Well," said Watts. "This is a fine how-do-you-do. But I don't think we have to worry about these guys too much. I seriously doubt they could eat glass, so we can protect the rest of you." He smiled a very sharp toothy smile. "Besides, they seem to be very lazy. It isn't like they've enclosed us in a cage or anything like that. What's to stop us from simply slipping out between two of them and walking away?"
"Ahh am," came a rumbling voice. "Ahh am ze vatchman uff ze Land Sharks. But chew do have a point. Ve cannot eat glass. Ve can break it, but ve can't eat it. Chew are uff no value to us. Ve vill only be able to eat ze meat creatchures. Chew that are a made from glass may go."
Watts and his friends made their most ferocious faces at the LandSharks. "You will allow us all to go!" said Watts to the Shark. "Youwill not hold any of us back! Besides, we have with us the Queen of Oz.Your own Queen, for crying out loud!"
"Chew does have some pretty teeth, don' chew?" said the watchman. "But I am not afraid of chew, zo chew should leave now. I do not know chust 'zactly vat a queen might be, but I am sure that it iss delissious."
"We do not have time for this," hooted Lisa. "We are on an important mission to save the Lunechien Forest of Oz from a gigantic Forest Monster, and you had better not hold us back! The Forest Monster is already bigger than the lot of you, and he will come for you sooner or later if you don't let us stop him!"
"Vorest Monzter?" echoed the great shark.
"That's what I said," replied Lisa angrily.
"Chust vat iss ze Vorest Monzter made uff?" asked the shark.
"Er, I don't know. Whatever monsters are usually made of," answered the female owl. "Flesh and blood, I guess."
"Und he iss ass big ass chew zay he iss?" asked the shark.
"Probably bigger by now," put in Tweaty, realizing what was happening.
"Zen ve shall eat ziss Vorest Monzter!" said the shark. "Ve shall eat him 'til he iss only bones!"
Lisa was not entirely sure the Forest Monster had any bones, as she suspected that spiders had exoskeletons instead, but she saw no reason to bring this up at the moment. "Then you really don't need us. It is against the laws of the jungle to kill more than you can eat, and the Forest Monster will easily tide you over for a good long time."
Ozma was not quite happy with the way things were turning out. She was not an advocate of killing at all. The thought of her willingly placing one of her subjects—even one so wicked as the Forest Monster—in mortal danger was a hard pill for her to swallow. Still, this development had apparently removed the threat to her own hide. "Then we shall be on our way," she said. "I will wish you a good night."
The shark thanked her and, having no one left that he had to guard, settled down to sleep among his fellows.
"This is odd," said Ozma as the group continued on its way. "We set out to rid ourselves of the Forest Monster, and now I feel inclined to find him so that we can warn him of his pending danger."
"You are kidding, aren't you?" asked Watts.
Ozma only looked solemnly at the ground and kept walking.