FOOTNOTE:[1]This happened in Maryland many years ago.
[1]This happened in Maryland many years ago.
[1]This happened in Maryland many years ago.
"Your friend Mr. Pate seems to be a very humane and benevolent man," said Seddon, when the peacemaker had taken his departure.
"None more so," said Belton. "Pate is not more remarkable for his extraordinary genius than for the vast quantity of the milk of human kindness which he has in his composition. It was the activity and originality of his mind, controlled by the benevolence of his disposition, which caused him to become the founder of a secret order, which will some day make his name illustrious in the annals of the benefactors of the human race."
"To what order do you allude?"
"To the M. O. O. S. S."
"What do those letters signify?"
"The Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts."
"The Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts! Why, Toney, you are joking! Who ever heard of such an organization?"
"No joke at all. You have heard of the Order of Seven Wise Men, have you not?"
"Why, yes; but that is an organization founded on principles of benevolence,—somewhat like the Masons, or Odd-Fellows, I suppose."
"And so is the Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts. It is founded on principles of benevolence. Its object is the welfare of woman."
"In what way do they propose to promote so desirable an object?"
"Pate is a keen observer and a profound and original thinker; and after much meditation he arrived at the conclusion that single women are much happier than those who are married, as is evident from the gayety of young girls, and the sedate, subdued, and careworn appearance of the majority of their wedded sisters. Could girls be persuaded that a state of single blessedness is preferable,all would be well; but the giddy things have their heads full of love and romance, and are but too eager to run into the meshes of matrimony. In all ages, and in all countries, this proclivity of the female sex has been apparent. Even in Crim Tartary, where marriages are solemnized by the singular ceremony of a horse-race, and where the maiden is mounted on a fleet courser, and has the advantage of half a mile start of the man, who must catch her before she reaches a certain designated point in the road, or there is no marriage, what is usually the result? Why, as soon as the word 'Go!' is given, the man makes a vigorous application of whip and spur, while the silly jade, though admirably mounted, holds in her horse and allows herself to be caught before she gets to the end of the course. From extensive observation, Pate was convinced that women are the same all over the world, and will either rush into matrimony, or, like the Tartar maiden, let matrimony overtake them on the road. He plainly perceived that no argument, admonition, or persuasion could prevent them from so doing, and therefore determined on the adoption of a plan which, when thoroughly perfected, will render it almost impossible for young maidens to get married."
"How is that to be accomplished?"
"The Order of Seven Sweethearts is composed of men who cannot marry. They are as strictly a brotherhood of bachelors as were the Fratres Ignorantiæ, or any other monkish order of the olden times. Their duties are important and onerous. They are under an obligation to court all young women, but must never propose marriage. They are especially instructed to be vigilant and prevent gentlemen, who are evidently premeditating matrimony, from paying any of those little delicate attentions which are preliminary to such an event. In order that they may do this, they are required to be in all houses inhabited by young ladies at an early hour in the evening, and are forbidden to leave until every hat and cane have disappeared from the hall. It was thus that Simon Dobbs was prevented from enjoying the society of Susan."
"Pray who is Simon Dobbs?"
"A very worthy citizen of my town. Dobbs had a snug home, and knew a sweet little angel who hadn't a pair of wings behind her shoulders and couldn't fly away, and he longed for an opportunity to invite her to take possession of his domicile. On a certain evening Dobbs was sitting alone on his porch in the moonlight, and was indulging in a delicious reverie, in which visions of future felicity became beautifully apparent. In ten years after this angelic being had taken charge of his domestic affairs he would have—here Dobbs began to count on his fingers—one—two—three—four—five—six—yes, seven sweet little cherubs fluttering around him,—three girls and four boys,—two of them twins, and the finest fellows you ever saw in your life. Here Dobbs snatched up his hat and hurried off to see Susan, fully determined on a matrimonial proposal. But when the unlucky Dobbs entered the parlor he found one of the mystic brotherhood seated by her side. Dobbs waited until a late hour, and was compelled to go home without an opportunity of saying a word on the important subject which occupied all his thoughts. Dobbs dreamed of Susan and the seven sweet little cherubs every night, and every evening, when he called to see her, he found one of the order on duty in the parlor. Poor Dobbs wanted to ask Susan a simple question, but doubted the propriety of doing so in the presence of witnesses. On one occasion Dobbs lingered to a late hour, in the hope that Perch, who was seated by the side of Susan, would leave. The clock struck twelve and Perch still remained on duty. It was then that Dobbs began to seriously apprehend his fate. Unless Azrael should interpose and remove Perch and his brethren to another sphere of existence, his house would never become the habitation of an angel and seven sweet little cherubs. That night Dobbs went home in despair and wished he was a ghost."
"A what?"
"A ghost. Now, Mr. Seddon, you need not open your eyes in wonder at such a wish, for I tell you that those invisible gentlemen who perambulate the air have a great advantage over us poor mortals, who have to waddle about on two legs and carry a burden of one hundredand fifty or two hundred pounds of flesh on our bones, which is a manifest inconvenience to freedom of locomotion. A ghost can do pretty much as he sees fit. He can get on a car and travel as long as he pleases, and the conductor will not nudge him and ask him for his ticket. He can seat himself every Sunday in the best pew of the most fashionable church, and nobody will ever call upon him for pew rent; and he can go to theaters and all places of amusement without apprehension of having his pockets picked or his watch stolen. A ghost never hits his shins against anything in the dark which will make a saint in the flesh swear, but can pass through a stone wall like a current of electricity; and when he wants to be in any distant place, all he has to do is to ride on his own wish and be instantly conveyed to the spot. He can stand with his bare feet on the tip of the North Pole without danger to his ten toes from the frost, and he can then by mere volition instantaneously transfer himself to the tropics, where, as Captain Bragg has informed me, the milk of the cocoanut almost scalds a monkey's mouth at mid-day, and at either place the temperature is just as agreeable to a ghost. A ghost can slip down his neighbor's chimney and peep into his pot and see what he is going to have for his dinner."
"That," said Seddon, "must be a great satisfaction to the ghosts of those enterprising individuals who are given to minding other people's business instead of attending to their own."
"Very true. But don't interrupt me, Tom, now I am on the subject of ghosts. Among the manifest advantages of being a ghost is one which above all others is deserving of especial consideration. A ghost can see a person's thoughts. Being fond of sweet things, ghosts experience great pleasure in watching the thoughts of ladies who are meditating upon their absent lovers. When a young maiden is thinking about her lover who is far away, her thoughts wander off to him and return, looking as sweet as little bees with their legs laden with honey leaving a field of fragrant clover and coming home to the hive. And if any poor fellow has a sweetheart,and is not certain whether she cares a fig for him or not, he should not be sitting all day in the dumps and looking as sulky as a bear with a sore head. Just let him make a ghost of himself, and he will be able to see down to the very bottom of her gizzard; and if she cares anything about him, her thoughts will look like lumps of candy-kisses, labeled with poetry and wrapped up in blue paper."
"I wouldn't mind being a ghost myself," said Seddon.
"In order that you might have a peep at the musings and meditations of pretty Ida? But you blush, Tom."
"Nonsense, Toney. Go on with your story about Dobbs. I am much interested in the poor fellow's fate."
"Well, Dobbs had an intuitive perception of the advantages which I have mentioned; and so he ardently desired to be a ghost. But seeing no chance of soon being promoted to a ghostship, and not being able to ascertain the sentiments of Susan while he remained in the flesh, he was finally compelled to leave her in the hands of the mystic brotherhood. In his solitary home be now began to brood over his misfortune. He came to the conclusion that a bachelor is much in the condition of an ownerless dog,—nobody caring whether he is brought home dead or alive; while if a Benedict even barks his shins, he has some one to sympathize with him and soothe him with caresses, which check his inclination to utter profane exclamations and enable him to endure the severe trial with manly fortitude. So, after much meditation, Dobbs determined that as he was not permitted to obtain an angel for love, he would see if he could not get a woman for money. Immediately subsequent to the adoption of this wise resolution he was on a visit to one of our metropolitan towns, and while walking the street observed in large letters over a door the wordsFamilies Supplied Here. Dobbs came to the conclusion that it was the very place he was looking for. So he walked in and asked a surly giant who seemed to have charge of the establishment, if he could furnish him with——"
"An angel and seven sweet little cherubs?"
"Not so. Perhaps the state of his finances did not admit of so extravagant a purchase. He simply asked ifhe could furnish him with a wife and a couple of children, either girls or boys,—he was not particular which they were."
"I suppose that his moderate demand was complied with?"
"I am sorry to say that it was not. Persons are liable to be misunderstood. The big fellow was in an ill humor, and supposed that Dobbs wanted to make game of him. He replied in rude and insulting language, and aimed several imprecations at his customer's organs of vision. Dobbs's blood began to boil, and he reciprocated the shopkeeper's compliments in synonymous terms. Then he suddenly saw a multitude of stars before his eyes and found himself in a recumbent position on the floor. Dobbs went home looking very much like a man who had inadvertently overturned a bee-hive and seriously irritated its inhabitants. His sad experience caused him to abandon all hope of obtaining a wife either for love or for money."
"And so the Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts baffled poor Dobbs in his efforts to adorn his domicile with an angel and seven sweet little cherubs! But what became of Susan?"
"She is still in a state of single blessedness. Every evening some one of the Order of Seven Sweethearts may be seen seated by her side. They ride with her, and walk with her, and talk love to her, but never propose matrimony. Of course, the rules of the order forbid them to do that; and never but once was a brother known to be unfaithful to his vows. William Wiggins was the recreant member, and he was severely punished for his want of fidelity."
"In what way?"
"He was tried and convicted of the grave offense of falling in love with the land and negroes of a certain widow and proposing marriage. M. T. Pate delivered the sentence of expulsion in a very feeling speech, which drew tears from the eyes of every member of the brotherhood."
"What did Wiggins do?"
"Ostracized by his brethren, he proceeded to lay siegeto the widow with great activity, and with such success that she soon capitulated."
"And I suppose that they were married and——"
"You are too fast, Tom. They encountered a stumbling-block on their road to the altar. Through the culpable negligence of his parents, Wiggins had never been baptized, and the widow, being a strict member of the church, would not consent to marry a man whose spiritual condition approximated to that of a poor benighted heathen. She insisted that he should either be sprinkled or immersed before the solemnization of the nuptial ceremony. Wiggins, who was willing to undergo any ordeal for the sake of the real and personal property of the bewitching widow, agreed to be sprinkled; and it was arranged that the consecrated fluid should be applied on the morning of an appointed day, and that they should be married in the afternoon and immediately proceed on their wedding tour. In the mean while Wiggins, in order to be fully prepared, procured a book containing the usual questions and answers, and labored hard in committing to memory the responses which would be required of him in each ceremony. When the eventful day arrived, he flattered himself that his preparation had been thorough; and in the first ceremony be acquitted himself admirably. But when he stood before the altar with the blushing widow be got strangely confused, and upon being asked, 'Wilt thou have this woman for thy wedded wife?' to the utter astonishment of the worthy clergyman he replied, in a decided tone, 'I renounce them all, and pray God that I may not be led nor governed by them.' The widow screamed as if a mouse had run over the tips of her toes, and was carried out of the church in a fainting fit. Wiggins followed, and when she was restored to consciousness wanted to explain; but she vehemently denounced him as a villain who had decoyed her to the church by false pretenses in order that he might insult her before the very altar and in the presence of her venerable pastor. From that day she would have nothing more to say to him, and he was compelled to abandon all hope of ever obtaining possession of her real and personal estate. The reply which Wiggins made to theminister who wanted to marry him to the widow having been reported to M. T. Pate, he immediately expressed an opinion that it afforded satisfactory proof of the sincere repentance of their unfortunate and erring brother. By Pate's advice, Wiggins was again received into the order, and is now here in Bella Vista for the purpose of performing his duty as a faithful and efficient member of the mystic brotherhood."
"I would really like to hear more of this man M. T. Pate," said Seddon. "My curiosity has been aroused, and I desire to know something of his previous history."
"Your desire can be easily gratified. I have already commenced writing his biography."
"Writing his biography?"
"Yes. It is perfectly apparent to me that M. T. Pate is destined to become a very distinguished personage. Somebody will write his biography, and why not I? One chapter has been completed, which, with your permission, I will read."
At that moment there was a knock at the door, and Captain Bragg entered the room.
"It has been said that the worst use you can make of a man is to hang him. I think, Captain Bragg, that the next worst is to shoot him."
This remark was made by Toney after Bragg, having first shown him the challenge which he had received from Botts and requested him to act as his second, had emphatically expressed a truculent determination to put the challenger to death with powder and ball.
"And," said Seddon, "some men are not worth the ammunition expended on them."
"By the powers of mud! what do you mean, Mr. Seddon?" exclaimed Bragg. "Is not Mr. Botts a gentleman? Do I not find him in the very best society?"
"Not certainly in the very best society when he is found quarreling with a monkey," said Seddon.
"With a monkey! Mr. Seddon? Gentlemen, I would have you know that it was no ordinary monkey that Botts so brutally assaulted in the ball-room. He was a royal present from her Majesty the Queen of Madagascar. I would defend that monkey with my blood; and had not Botts challenged me, I would have challenged him for the insult offered to my monkey. Monkeys have emotions and sensibilities in their bosoms as well as we have, Mr. Seddon."
"Then, they have souls as well as tails?" said Seddon.
"I have no doubt," said Bragg, "that a high-bred monkey, like mine, brought up in a royal palace and tenderly cared for, can feel an insult as keenly as a man."
"Then, Captain Bragg," said Seddon, "why not refer Botts for satisfaction to the monkey?"
"Because, sir, monkeys are not yet sufficiently advanced in civilization to understand the code of honor. But the time may come when they will."
"What!" exclaimed Seddon, "do you mean to say that the time may come when monkeys will challenge one another to single combat, and fight with hair-trigger pistols like civilized men?"
"Yes, sir," said Bragg.
"I suppose that will be after they have dropped their tails," said Seddon.
"Of course," said Bragg. "Man is but an improved species of monkey. Our ancestors were once monkeys, and carried long tails behind them."[2]
Here Tom Seddon fell back on a sofa and roared with laughter. Toney Belton reproved his friend for this unbecoming levity, and gravely remarked that learned men coincided with Captain Bragg in opinion, and that Lord Monboddo confidently asserted there was a race of men in Africa who still had tails.
"That is true, sir," said Bragg. "I have seen them myself;—have eaten and drank with them, and——"Here Tom Seddon exploded with laughter; while Toney remarked that Monboddo said that these long-tailed individuals were horrible cannibals, and were particularly fond of Dutchmen.
"I don't know about their fondness for Dutchmen," said Bragg. "I am an Anglo-Saxon, and I know that they treated me with great kindness; I remained with them for months; and many of them shed tears when I took my departure."
"Your discovery of this race of men in Africa seems to confirm the rabbinical theory," said Toney.
"What is that?" inquired Bragg.
"The learned rabbinical doctors, in whose wisdom we should have great confidence, assert that man was originally created with a long tail."
"Just as I said!" exclaimed Bragg. "Did I not tell you so?"
"If such was his original conformation," said Toney, "we must suppose that it was afterwards observed that this appendage was of no use to him at all, and, indeed, would often be a serious incumbrance; for when in battle a hero was hard pressed and compelled to retreat, his enemy might seize him by the tail, and hold him fast until he had cut off his head."
"That is a fact," said Bragg. "So he might."
"And when in the progress of civilization the toilet became of importance in the estimation of mankind, the decoration of the tail would be exceedingly troublesome and expensive."
"I should think so," said Seddon. "I should think that it could hardly be managed even by the most experienced and scientifictailors."
"Tom Seddon," said Toney, "Dr. Johnson was of opinion that when a man attempted a pun in company he ought to be knocked down. But let me proceed in pointing out the obvious disadvantages of wearing tails. For instance, fashionable gentlemen, after having spent large sums of money in the elaborate adornment of their tails, might have them trodden upon as they walked the streets, and numerous assaults and batteries might thus be occasioned."
"No doubt of it! no doubt of it!" said Bragg. "I witnessed many fierce encounters among my friends in Africa, caused by men inadvertently treading on their neighbors' tails."
"Yes," said Toney, "some irascible editor or orator might have his tail crushed by the foot of his adversary on the hard pavement, and a mortal combat would be the lamentable consequence. Indeed, I would not answer for the patience and fortitude of a pious parson if, as he walked along the aisle of his church, one of the congregation should carelessly tread on his caudal extremity. I seriously apprehend that the reverend man would exhibit the irritability of a ferocious animal of the feline species under similar circumstances. Therefore, such being the great and manifest disadvantages of wearing tails, we must suppose that this useless appendage was severed from the body of the man."
"What was done with it?" inquired Seddon.
"It was fashioned into a woman," said Bragg.
"A what?" exclaimed Seddon, too astounded to laugh.
"Into a woman," reiterated Bragg.
"Why, I thought that woman was formed from a rib."
"That is an error of the translators," said Bragg. "I was so informed by a learned Hebrew whom I found living on the top of Mount Ararat, in a comfortable house constructed from the imperishable materials of Noah's Ark. He told me that the word should have been translated tail instead of rib."
"This important fact in anthropology," said Toney, "would seem to militate against the claims of those learned, eloquent, and distinguished ladies who are the leaders of the movement for women's rights."
"Do you mean," said Bragg, "those babbling females who leave their hen-pecked husbands at home to nurse their unclean babies, and go gadding about holding their conventions? Well, sir, give them every right which they claim. Give them every right which we have——"
"Except," said Seddon, "the privilege of shaving their chins. I hardly suppose that they will ever get that."
"No," exclaimed Bragg, "that inestimable privilegethey never can obtain, let them clamor for it as much as they please! I reiterate, give them all they demand, let them vote, elect them to office, put a bale of dry-goods and crinoline in the Presidential chair, and what would be the result? Would the head govern?"
"I should think not," said Seddon, "If there is such an error in the translation as you have pointed out. Captain Bragg, I am afraid that you are a misogynist. But what becomes of your royal friend the Queen of Madagascar? She is a woman, and she governs a great nation."
"Mr. Seddon, the Queen of Madagascar is no ordinary woman. The poets of that great country say that the royal line is descended from their gods."
"That opinion may be orthodox in the island of Madagascar," said Seddon. "In the United States of America her Majesty's poets-laureate would find a multitude of skeptics. But were those long-tailed African gentlemen, with whom you once resided, a race of negroes?"
"Their faces were black but comely," said Bragg.
"Then," said Seddon, "It is easy to foresee what will be the ultimate consequences of emancipation in this country."
"In what respect?" asked Bragg.
"Why, it is well known that the negro race, when emancipated, goes back, by degrees, to its original barbarism. Emancipate the negroes, and, at same future day, we will have a horrible race of savages and cannibals among us. They will run wild in our forests, and, after a time, tails will grow out from their persons. They will jump into our windows at night and carry off our babies and devour them; and no Dutchman will be safe from their cannibal ferocity. People will have to hunt them with dogs, and catch them, and cut off their tails, and civilize them again."
"Never!" exclaimed Bragg, "never! Man once civilized never goes back to his original condition. Emancipate the negroes and you need not apprehend that they will return to their tails."
"Are you in favor of emancipation, Captain Bragg?" inquired Seddon.
"My dear sir, we will not discuss that question at present. By the powers of mud! Mr. Belton," exclaimed Bragg, looking at his watch, "we have forgotten all about Botts and the challenge."
"I was about to remind you, captain," said Toney, "that as you have the choice of weapons, as well as of time and place, it is necessary that I should receive your instructions in relation to these preliminary arrangements."
"I leave time and place to you, Mr. Belton; and as to weapons, I am equally familiar with all the weapons employed in private or public warfare. I once fought a native of New Zealand with a boomerang, Mr. Seddon."
"What sort of a weapon is that, Captain Bragg?"
"It is a missile which if it fails to hit the object at which it is aimed comes bounding back to the hand that hurls it. But, by the powers of mud! at the first throw my boomerang came bounding back with the New Zealander impaled on its point and howling for mercy."
"Then," said Toney, "I am to understand that you leave the selection to me, and will not refuse to fight with any weapon I may designate?"
"Refuse! certainly not. I will fight with a harpoon if you so choose, or a gun loaded with Greek fire."
"Or hot water," suggested Seddon.
"To be sure," said Bragg.
"Captain Bragg, would you really fight with a gun loaded with hot water?" inquired Toney.
"Mr. Belton," said Bragg, "he is a poor workman who finds fault with his tools. I will face my antagonist with any weapon which he is not afraid to hold in his own hand."
"Very good," said Belton. "And now I must leave you with Mr. Seddon, while I have an interview with Wiggins, who, it seems, is Botts's second."
Toney took up his hat and left the room, as Bragg was in the act of poising a cane for the purpose of showing Seddon how to hurl a boomerang.
FOOTNOTE:[2]The theory of an eloquent lecturer in a discourse recently delivered in Boston.
[2]The theory of an eloquent lecturer in a discourse recently delivered in Boston.
[2]The theory of an eloquent lecturer in a discourse recently delivered in Boston.
Toney found Wiggins in his apartment in the hotel. The latter received the representative of Captain Bragg with the formal politeness befitting the occasion. After some conversation in relation to the business which had brought them together, Toney proceeded to say,—
"Mr. Wiggins, my principal has, as you know, the selection of time and place, as well as of weapons."
"Undoubtedly, Mr. Belton. You will be so good as to name the time."
"To-morrow, between daybreak and sunrise," said Belton.
"Very good," said Wiggins. "And the place?"
"The cluster of trees which stand on the east side of the town."
"An excellent selection," said Wiggins.
"And the weapons, Mr. Belton?"
"Broad-axes," said Toney.
"What?" exclaimed Wiggins.
"Broad-axes," reiterated Toney.
"What?" said Wiggins, in a tremulous tone.
"Broad-axes!" shouted Toney, with the lungs of a Stentor.
"Broad-axes!" repeated Wiggins, with a pallid cheek. "Mr. Belton, you do not mean to say that Captain Bragg expects Mr. Botts to fight him with a broad-axe!"
"Why not, sir? Why not? When a man fights a duel is it not his object to kill his antagonist? And are not broad-axes as efficient as any weapon for the purpose?"
"But, Mr. Belton, a broad-axe is an unusual, a barbarous weapon."
"Sir, it is neither an unusual nor a barbarous weapon. It is a military weapon. Examine Webster's Dictionary and you will find that such is the definition of broad-axe. It has been often used by gentlemen in affairs of honor."
"I never heard of its use among men of honor," said Wiggins.
"Why, Sir, who originated the practice of dueling? Were not the chivalrous knights of the Middle Ages the first to adopt this mode of settling disputes?"
"Certainly," said the representative of Botts.
"And were not those knights gentlemen and men of honor?"
"Of course they were," said Wiggins. "Who can doubt that?"
"And did they not fight with battle-axes?"
"Oh, certainly," said Wiggins. "We read of that in Froissart and the other chroniclers of those days."
"Well, sir, will you be so good as to show me the difference between a battle-axe and a broad-axe? Can you point it out?"
"I confess that I cannot," said Wiggins.
"There is no difference; except that our carpenters, in the peaceful occupation of hewing timber, have found a short handle more convenient than the long ones used in the days of chivalry by honorable knights and gentlemen. I propose to lengthen the handles and let our men fight like gallant paladins with the legitimate weapons of the duello."
"Mr. Belton, I cannot consent that my principal shall fight with such a weapon. Mr. Botts is not accustomed to the use of a broad-axe."
"Nor is Captain Bragg, sir. So neither party will have an advantage from skill or practice."
"Did Captain Bragg select broad-axes?"
"The captain has expressed no preference; he has left the choice of weapons to his second."
"Then, Mr. Belton, can we not, as the friends of the parties, make arrangements for a meeting in which each gentleman may vindicate his honor without the tragical results which must ensue from the use of such barbarous weapons as broad-axes?"
"As I have said, and now repeat, a broad-axe is not a barbarous weapon. Its use is legitimate in the duello. Unless you agree to the terms which I am now about to propose, I shall adhere to my original selection."
"What are your terms, Mr. Belton?" eagerly inquired Wiggins.
"That I select the weapons, and that neither yourself nor our principals shall know what they are until I produce them on the field."
"I agree to your terms, Mr. Belton; anything but broad-axes."
"The weapons which I shall select will test the coolness and courage of both gentlemen. They will not be broad-axes. Are you satisfied?"
"Perfectly."
"Then, sir, as we have agreed upon the preliminary arrangement, I must bid you good-morning."
In the corridor of the hotel Toney encountered M. T. Pate.
"Mr. Belton—Mr. Belton," said Pate, "I—I could not prevail on Mr. Botts. He has sent a—a—a challenge, and there will be bloodshed, sir, and—and all about a—a—a monkey, sir."
"Mr. Pate, I have the matter in hand, and I assure you, on the honor of a gentleman, that not a drop of blood will be spilt."
"God bless you, Mr. Belton!"
"Good-morning, Mr. Pate." And Toney hurried away, leaving Pate repeating his benediction with great fervor.
Hardly had Toney Belton's footsteps ceased to sound in the corridor before Wiggins snatched up his hat and hurried into the presence of his principal in extreme agitation.
"Mr. Botts," he exclaimed, "I have just had an interview with Mr. Belton, the friend of Captain Bragg."
"Captain Bragg then accepts the challenge?" said Botts.
"Of course he does," said Wiggins, "and we have agreed upon the terms."
"What time does Bragg propose for the meeting?"
"Between daybreak and sunrise to-morrow."
"A very excellent arrangement," said Botts. "The early hour will insure us against the chance of interruption. And the place?"
Wiggins named the place designated by Belton, and the selection met with the approval of his principal, who inquired,—
"Did the captain choose fire-arms, or small swords? I am equally expert in the use of either."
"Fire-arms or small swords!" exclaimed Wiggins,—"no, sir, he did not."
"What weapon did he then select? I am at a loss to imagine."
Wiggins hesitated and was silent. His features became strangely and alarmingly distorted.
"Did you not agree upon the weapons? What did Mr. Belton propose?"
"Broad-axes!" said Wiggins.
"What did you say, Mr. Wiggins? I did not distinctly hear you."
"Broad-axes! Mr. Botts, I say broad-axes!"
"What?" exclaimed Mr. Botts, rising from his seat.
"Broad-axes!" said Wiggins, also rising and moving nearer to Botts. "Broad-axes, I say broad-axes!"
Botts's ugly countenance now assumed a very peculiar expression. One of those ideas which suddenly rush into a man's mind and master it in a moment presented itself, and immediately became dominant. He supposed that Wiggins had become demented, and that he was in the presence of a maniac. Botts had as much of the common quality of physical courage as most of the male gender, but, like many a brave man, he had an intense horror of crazy people. He retreated. Wiggins advanced towards him, anxious to explain, and lifting his hand in the act of gesticulation.
"Stand back!" shouted Botts, grasping a chair, and elevating it over his head,—"stand back, or I will knock you down!"
"Botts! Botts!" exclaimed Wiggins, lifting up both hands in violent agitation, being utterly astounded at this hostile demonstration on the part of his principal,—"Botts! Botts! I—I—said—broad-axes!"
"Help! help! murder! murder!" shouted Botts; and he aimed a blow at Wiggins, who dodged it, and, tumbling over a table, fell sprawling on the carpet, while the chair flew from Botts's hands and went with a crash against the door. In an instant there was a rush of people from the adjoining apartments and the room was filled with spectators.
"Good heavens!" exclaimed M. T. Pate, addressing himself to Botts, who had armed himself with another chair, and stood brandishing it in a corner of the room with an air of desperate determination,—"good heavens! Mr. Botts, what does this mean?"
"Gentlemen, such scenes cannot be allowed in my house," said the landlord. "Mr. Botts, this is the second time you have raised an uproar in this establishment."
"Botts, you shall answer for this outrage!" exclaimed Wiggins, rising on his feet and looking Botts in the face with a most truculent aspect.
"Are you not crazy?" said Botts.
"Crazy!" vociferated Wiggins, advancing towards Botts, who dodged behind Pate. "Youare crazy, sir! You are as mad as a March hare, sir! You are a dangerous man! I will have you in a lunatic asylum before you are a day older, sir! Gentlemen, I call upon you to assist me in securing this madman."
"By Jupiter! I think you are both lunatics," said the landlord.
"Mr. Wiggins, there most he some mistake," said Pate. "Botts is not crazy."
"No madder man ever broke out of bedlam!" said Wiggins. "He will kill somebody if he is not put in a strait-jacket."
"What was all this about?" asked Pate.
"About?" said Wiggins. "Why, sir, I was merely repeating something which Mr. Belton had said to me, when up jumped Botts and aimed a blow at my head with chair; and had I out dodged as quickly as I did,he would have knocked my brains out. Is such a man fit to run at large through this house? Do you call him sane, Mr. Pate? Sane!—if he's sane, you might as well pull down all the lunatic asylums in the land and let their inmates out to——"
"Stop! Wiggins, stop! I begin to see," said Botts. "You are not crazy, after all! Did you say you were merely repeating what Belton had said to you?"
"Nothing more," said Wiggins. "And was that any reason why I should be——"
"My dear, dear fellow!" said Botts. "It was a mistake! I see! Give me your hand. I ask ten thousand pardons!"
Botts advanced towards Wiggins, who retreated a step, and then stood his ground and took the proffered hand.
"Thank God," said Pate, "there will be no duel!"
"Crazy men are not allowed to fight duels," said the landlord.
"Gentlemen," said Botts, "I call you to witness that it was all my fault. I beg Mr. Wiggins's pardon."
"It is granted," said Wiggins.
"And now, gentlemen," said Botts, "be so good as to leave us to ourselves. You see it is all made up, and we are the best friends in the world."
At this request all left the room. M. T. Pate, however, lingered at the door for a moment, and said, in an admonitory tone,—
"For Heaven's sake, Botts, do not quarrel with Wiggins again!"
"No fear of that, Mr. Pate." And with this assurance Pate closed the door.
Botts being alone with his second, there was a repetition of apologies and mutual explanations; after which each became assured of the sanity of the other, and was more at his ease.
"But," asked Botts, "did Belton really say anything about broad-axes?"
Wiggins hesitated. He seemed to be afraid to again give utterance to a word which had just put him in such imminent peril. At length he said, in a low tone,—
"He did, indeed."
"What connection had this with the duel?"
"As the representative of Captain Bragg, he proposed that you should fight with broad-axes."
Botts sprang from the chair and overturned the table; and Wiggins, apprehensive of another assault, jumped up and put himself in an attitude of defense.
M. T. Pate, who was lingering in the corridor in trembling expectation of another quarrel, rushed to the door, but it was bolted.
"Mr. Botts! Mr. Botts!" cried Pate.
"Go to the devil!" shouted Botts.
"Good heavens! what is to be done?" said Pate. "He has Wiggins locked in the room, and will beat out his brains with a chair!"
"I'll break down the door and put strait-jackets on both of them!" said the landlord, who had hurried back at the alarm given by Pate.
Botts now opened the door and assured the people in the corridor that they were not fighting, but were as amicable as men could be. Having received a similar assurance from Wiggins, Pate and the landlord had no excuse for further interruption, and reluctantly retired; the landlord shaking his head rather dubiously as he did so, and muttering something about strait-jackets and lunatic asylums.
Botts closed and bolted the door, and then earnestly asked,—
"You certainly did not agree that I should fight Captain Bragg with a broad-axe?"
"No, indeed!" said Wiggins. "With much difficulty I obtained from Mr. Belton a compromise."
"What sort of a compromise?" asked Botts.
"You are to fight with just such weapons as Belton produces on the ground."
"And not to know what they are to be until I get on the field?"
"Such is the agreement," said the second.
"Wiggins, what sort of terms are these?" exclaimed Botts.
"They were the best I could obtain. My opinion is, that this Captain Bragg, although he associates withgentlemen, is little better than a desperado. He has lived among savages the greater part of his life, and, as I am told, has been boasting of having fought a duel with a boomerang, or a harpoon, or something of the sort. He is a reckless and desperate man, and cares not for consequences. Had I not agreed to the compromise proposed by his second, I am confident that he would have posted you as a coward."
"These are hard terms," said Botts; "but I suppose they must be accepted."
"They have been accepted," said Wiggins. "And now I must leave you, Mr. Botts, for I have an engagement with a fair lady. At an hour before daybreak I will be at your room; and we will, of course, proceed in company to the ground."
In the solitude of his chamber, Botts began to give way to gloomy reflections. It was evident that his antagonist was a most desperate and determined man. He had lived among savages and cannibals, and the proposal to fight with broad-axes was ample proof of the barbarity of his disposition. And Wiggins had consented that Botts should come on the ground in entire ignorance of the weapons to be used. Could it be doubted that his adversary would select some barbarous implement of butchery, familiar to himself but unknown to civilized duelists? When the challenger took his position, a harpoon or a boomerang might be thrust into his hand; or Bragg might enter the field armed with a tomahawk and scalping-knife, and raising the war-whoop. Botts was a brave man, but he shuddered and shivered as if an icicle had been thrust down his back. He saw that death was inevitable, and he resolved to die with decency. Having procured writing materials, he carefully prepared his last will and testament, and proceeded to execute it with the proper formalities. He then wrote a number of letters to absent friends, bidding them a final and affectionate farewell. Those documents he carefully sealed with black wax, and left lying on his table.
Much time was consumed in these preparations, and before the business was concluded the sun had sunk behind the horizon and the stars had appeared in theheavens. Botts took his seat at a window; but he could not remain quiescent. The agitation of his mind impelled him to physical locomotion. He seized his hat and rushed into the street. He hurried along until he had reached the outskirts of the town, where he would not be molested by crowds of gay and happy mortals, talking and laughing in the full enjoyment of an existence of which he was so soon to be deprived. The doomed man now stood alone in a deserted common. He gazed upward at the heavens. From the innumerable multitude of shining orbs over his head, he selected a star in which his spirit was to dwell after its departure from these sublunary scenes. Botts did not return to his room. He thought not of his comfortable bed at the hotel. During the long hours of the silent night he continued to walk to and fro on the outskirts of the town, a melancholy man, meditating on his latter end and gazing upward at the celestial dwelling-place which he had selected for his residence after his immolation on the field of honor.
Just before the peep of day Captain Bragg, accompanied by his second, repaired to the spot selected for the duel. Toney had informed his principal of the terms agreed upon by Wiggins and himself, and the old warrior forbore to make any inquiry in relation to the weapons to be used on the occasion; Tom Seddon having kindly undertaken to convey them to the ground during the night, so as to avoid observation. Bragg expressed his satisfaction with the arrangement, and reiterated his readiness to fight with any weapon, even with a gun loaded with Greek fire, or with hot water, as Seddon again suggested.
As they came in sight of the dueling-ground, Bragg suddenly halted and said, in a tone of vexation,—
"Mr. Belton, we will be interrupted."
"Why so?" inquired Toney.
"There is a gypsy camp in the grove. I perceive their fires among the trees."
"You are mistaken, Captain Bragg. There are no gypsies within a hundred miles of us. No doubt Seddon has kindled a fire with dry sticks. Let us go on."
They now entered the grove, and Bragg stood still with a look of amazement. At twelve paces apart were two fires, each kept alive by a negro, who was busily employed in piling on fuel. Over each fire was an iron pot filled with water, in a state of active ebullition. In the space between the two fires was Tom Seddon, walking to and fro with his hands behind his back, giving directions to his sable assistants who had charge of the pots.
"By the powers of mud!" exclaimed Bragg, "what does this mean?"
"It means," said Toney, "that everything is prepared, and that we are only waiting for the arrival of Botts. Tom, have you got the guns ready?"
"Here they are," said Tom, producing two tin tubes painted black and about the size of a musket-barrel. Each had a rod projecting from one end and a nozzle on the other. Seddon handed one of them to Bragg, saying, "Here is your weapon, captain."
"What is this?" inquired Bragg.
"It is your gun," said Seddon.
"Gun—gun! Do you call this a gun?" said Bragg.
"I most certainly do," said Seddon.
"You had better load the gun, Tom," said Belton, "and show the captain how it is to be used."
Tom took the tube, and, putting the nozzle in the pot of boiling water nearest to him, drew back the rod. He then brought the tube up horizontally, and called out to the negro having charge of the other pot, "Stand out of the way there, Hannibal!" Hannibal dodged to one side, and Seddon, with a vigorous thrust of the rod, threw a stream of scalding water from the nozzle to a distance of more than forty feet. "There, captain," said Tom, "if Botts stands before such a discharge as that, he is as brave a man as ever wore breeches."
"What devil's work is this?" said Bragg. "Do you suppose that I am going to stand over a witch's caldron and have a man squirt hot water at me until he has put out my eyes and scalded all the hair off my head?"
"You will have an opportunity to show your coolness in the midst of danger," said Seddon; "you will, undoubtedly, put your adversary to flight. I'll bet that Botts don't stand before a single discharge. If he does, he should have license to beat any man's monkey when he is in a belligerent humor. And, captain, did you not express your willingness to fight with a gun loaded with hot water? Now, here are the guns, and there are Cæsar and Hannibal with an abundant supply of ammunition."
"And it is too late to make other arrangements," said Belton. "It is broad daylight, and Botts will be on the ground in a moment. I hope you are not going to back down, Captain Bragg."
"Back down!" exclaimed Bragg. "I would have you know that I never back down. I would have fought with a harpoon, or a boomerang, or anything of the sort; but who ever heard of hot water employed in combats between man and man? It is devil's work!"
"Captain Bragg, you are mistaken," said Seddon. "Hot water has often been used in wars between civilized nations. Did you never hear of the fighting æolipile?"
"What is that?" inquired Bragg.
"A tube filled with scalding fluid, which was projected in the face of the enemy. The Egyptians, the Assyrians, and the Greeks were accustomed to use these weapons, and to put their enemies to flight with them, as I am certain that you will put Botts to flight."
"Hot water was used on one occasion in modern warfare with great efficiency," said Belton. "The bravest troops in the army of Napoleon the Great were baffled and held at bay by it."
"Where was that?" asked Bragg.
"In Spain,"[3]said Toney. "The Spanish troops were routed. They dropped their arms on the field and fledinto a nunnery. The French had no artillery, and attempted to take the place by acoup de main. But the petticoats were prepared for them. From every window pails of hot water were poured down upon them. The French troops could stand anything but that. They fell back. They gave way; whole platoons cutting the most prodigious capers; patting the posterior parts of their persons with their open palms and performing sundry difficult and extraordinary evolutions."
"Beaten by hot water!" said Seddon.
"Yes," said Toney. "Their brave general, who bore on his person the scars of scores of battles, attempted to rally them; but they refused to advance. Maddened by the apparent poltroonery of his troops, he seized a musket, and, rushing forward, commenced battering at the door with its butt. The door gave way, and the brave general was suddenly precipitated forward. Before he could recover himself the petticoats were upon him. With loud cries they seized him by the locks, while their nails made frightful ravages in his face. Blinded, and baffled, and breathless, and faint, he retreated without the door. A shower of hot water descended from above, and, with a loud outcry, the old hero advanced backward with amazing celerity, until, striking his foot against a stone, he fell, 'with his back to the field and his feet to the foe.' The door was closed, the petticoats stood ready at the windows with their pails full of hot water, and the besiegers were utterly disheartened."
"Did the French retreat? Did they abandon the contest?" asked Seddon.
"No," said Toney. "Napoleon rode on the field. He was enraged at the timidity of his troops. He ordered up a battalion of the Old Guard. It was all over with the garrison then. Their fires had gone out, and their water was cold. They prayed to every saint in the calendar, and made an especial appeal to Joshua, the son of Nun, to save them. It was of no avail. The door was battered down, the Imperial Guard marched in, and the captured petticoats were led away as the musicians struck up the tone, 'I won't be a Nun.'"
"So you see, Captain Bragg, that hot water has beenemployed in both ancient and modern warfare," said Seddon. "And brave men have fled before it. If you stand firmly before the shower discharged by Botts from yonder tube, nobody will ever dare to dispute your courage."
"If Botts can stand it, I can," said Bragg, doggedly. "But," said he,—and his face brightened up as he looked at his watch,—"I will remain here no longer. The sun is up, Mr. Belton, and where is the challenger?"
"Yonder comes his second," said Seddon.
Bragg's countenance was instantly beclouded.
"Good-morning, Mr. Wiggins," said Belton. "I do not see your principal. Where is Mr. Botts?"
"He has fled," said Wiggins.
"Fled?" said Belton.
"Fled!" exclaimed Bragg; and his face became as radiant as the morning just then illuminated by the sun which had appeared above the eastern horizon.
"Yes," said Wiggins, "Botts has run off like an arrant poltroon."
"I will post him for cowardice!" exclaimed Bragg.
"As you please," said Wiggins. "I want nothing more to do with Mr. Botts. He attempted to assassinate me."
"Assassinate you!" exclaimed Toney.
"Yes, sir; when I informed him of the terms proposed by you, he attempted to take my life."
"Attempted to kill his second!" said Seddon.
"The assassin! the ruffian! the poltroon! I'll post him!" said Bragg.
"He jumped up and aimed a blow at my head with a chair," said Wiggins.
"An assault and battery," said Tom. "Liable in a suit for damages."
"He afterwards became calm, apologized for the outrage, and agreed to meet Captain Bragg at the hour named. But when I called for him this morning he had disappeared."
"Disappeared!" said Toney.
"Yes, sir,—absconded,—fled to parts unknown."
"I will publish him," said Bragg. "I will prepareplacards with the words BOTTS and COWARD in letters as big as my hand! Come, Mr. Belton; come, gentlemen."
"Put out the fires, Cæsar. Take care of the pots, Hannibal," said Seddon. And with these instructions to those two distinguished personages, Tom shouldered the tin tubes and followed after Bragg, who, with Belton and Wiggins, was proceeding with rapid strides towards the town.