“My Friend,“Turn to the next page and you will find the reply.“A. N.”
“My Friend,
“Turn to the next page and you will find the reply.
“A. N.”
He did so, and found a polite refusal of his suit.
The secret of letter writing consists in writing as you would speak. Thus, if you speak well, you will write well; if you speak ill, you will also write ill.
Endeavor always to write as correctly and properly as possible. If you have reason to doubt your own spelling, carefully read and correct every letter before you fold it. An ill-formed letter is, however, better let alone. You will not improve it by trying to reform it, and the effort will be plainly visible.
Let your style be simple, concise, and clear, entirely void of pretension, without any phrases written merely for effect, without useless flowery language, respectfultowards superiors, women, and older persons, and it will be well.
Abbreviations are only permitted in business letters, and in friendly correspondence must never be used.
Figures are never to be used excepting when putting a date or a sum of money. In a business letter the money is generally specified both in figures and words, thus; $500 Five hundred dollars.
You may put the name, date, and address of a letter either at the top of the page or at the end. I give a specimen of each style to show my meaning.
Philadelphia,June25th, 1855.Mr. James Smith,Dear Sir,The goods ordered in your letter of the 19th inst. were sent this morning by Adam’s Express. We shall be always happy to hear from you, and will promptly fill any further orders.Yours, truly,Jones, Brown, & Co.
Philadelphia,June25th, 1855.
Mr. James Smith,
Dear Sir,
The goods ordered in your letter of the 19th inst. were sent this morning by Adam’s Express. We shall be always happy to hear from you, and will promptly fill any further orders.
Yours, truly,Jones, Brown, & Co.
or,
Dear Sir,Your favor of the 5th inst. received to day. Will execute your commissions with pleasure.Yours, truly,J. Jones.Mr. James Smith.Phila.,June25th, 1854.
Dear Sir,
Your favor of the 5th inst. received to day. Will execute your commissions with pleasure.
Yours, truly,J. Jones.
Mr. James Smith.Phila.,June25th, 1854.
If you send your own address put it under your own signature, thus:
J. Jones,17 W—— st.,New York.
J. Jones,17 W—— st.,New York.
The etiquette of letter-writing, should, as much as possible, be influenced by principles of truth. The superscription and the subscription should alike be in accordance with the tone of the communication, and the domestic or social relation of those between whom it passes. Communications upon professional or business matters, where no acquaintance exists to modify the circumstances, should be written thus:—“Mr. Gillot will feel obliged by Mr. Slack’s sending by the bearer,” &c. It is an absurdity for a man who writes a challenge, or an offensive letter, to another, to subscribe himself, “Your obedient Servant.” I dislike this form of subscription, also, when employed by persons of equal rank. It is perfectly becoming when addressed by a servant to an employer. But in other cases, “Yours truly,” “Yours very truly,” “Your Friend,” “Your sincere Friend,” “Your Well-wisher,” “Your grateful Friend,” “Your affectionate Friend,” &c., &c., appears to be much more truthful, and to be more in keeping with the legitimate expression of good feeling. It is impossible to lay down a set of rules that shall govern all cases. But as a principle, it may be urged, that no person should address another as, “Dear Sir,” or, “Dear Madam,” without feelings and relations that justify the use of the adjective. These compliments are mockeries.No one who entertains a desire to write another as “dear,” need feel afraid of giving offence by familiarity; for all mankind prize the esteem even of their humblest fellows too much to be annoyed by it. And in proportion as the integrity of the forms of correspondence increase, so will these expressions of good feeling be more appreciated.
The next point to be considered is thesubjectof your letter, and without a good subject the epistle will be apt to be dull. I do not mean by this that it is necessary to have any extraordinary event to relate, or startling news to communicate; but in order to write agoodletter, it is necessary to have agoodsubject, that you may not rival the Frenchman who wrote to his wife—“I write to you because I have nothing to do: I stop because I have nothing to say.” Letters written without aim or object, simply for the sake of writing, are apt to be stupid, trivial, or foolish.
You may write to a friend to congratulate him upon some happy event to himself, or to condole with him in some misfortune, or to ask his congratulations or condolence for yourself. You may write to enquire for his health, or to extend an invitation, a letter of thanks, felicitations, upon business, or a thousand other subjects, which it is useless for me to enumerate.
Letters of Business.The chief object in a letter of business is to communicate or enquire about some one fact, and the epistle should be confined entirely to that fact. All compliments, jests, high-flown language and sentiment, are entirely out of place in a business letter, and brevity should be one of the most importantaims. Do not let your desire to be brief, however, make your meaning obscure; better to add a few words, or even lines, to the length of your letter, than to send it in confused, unintelligible language. Chesterfield’s advice on business letters is excellent. He says:
“The first thing necessary in writing letters of business is, extreme clearness and perspicuity; every paragraph should be so clear and unambiguous that the dullest fellow in the world may not be able to mistake it, nor obliged to read it twice in order to understand it. This necessary clearness implies a correctness, without excluding an elegance of style. Tropes, figures, antithesis, epigrams, &c., would be as misplaced and as impertinent in letters of business as they are sometimes (if judiciously used) proper and pleasing in familiar letters, upon common and trite subjects. In business, an elegant simplicity, the result of care, not of labor, is required. Business must be well, not affectedly dressed; but by no means negligently. Let your first attention be to clearness, and read every paragraph after you have written it, in the critical view of discovering whether it is possible that any one man can mistake the true sense of it; and correct it accordingly.
“Our pronouns and relatives often create obscurity and ambiguity; be, therefore, exceedingly attentive to them, and take care to mark out with precision their particular relations. For example, Mr. Johnson acquainted me, that he had seen Mr. Smith, who had promised him to speak to Mr. Clarke, to return him (Mr. Johnson) those papers, which he (Mr. Smith) had left some time ago with him (Mr. Clarke); it is better to repeat a name, thoughunnecessarily, ten times, than to have the person mistaken once.
“Who, you know, is singly relative to persons, and cannot be applied to things;whichandthatare chiefly relative to things, but not absolutely exclusive of persons; for one may say the man,thatrobbed or killed such-a-one; but it is better to say, the manwhorobbed or killed. One never says, the man or womanwhich.Whichandthat, though chiefly relative to things, cannot be always used indifferently as to things. For instance, the letterwhichI received from you,whichyou referred to in your last,whichcame by Lord Albemarle’s messenger,whichI showed to such-a-one; I would change it thus—The letter that I received from you,whichyou referred to in your last,thatcame by Lord Albemarle’s messenger, andwhichI showed to such-a-one.
“Business does not exclude (as possibly you wish it did) the usual terms of politeness and good breeding; but, on the contrary, strictly requires them; such as,I have the honor to acquaint you;Permit me to assure you; or,If I may be allowed to give my opinion, &c.
“Letters of Businesswill not only admit of, but be the better forcertain graces—but then, they must be scattered with a skillful and sparing hand; they must fit their place exactly. They must adorn without encumbering, and modestly shine without glaring. But as this is the utmost degree of perfection in letters of business, I would not advise you to attempt those embellishments, till you have just laid your foundation well.
“Carefully avoid all Greek or Latin quotations; and bring no precedents from thevirtuous Spartans,the politeAthenians,and the brave Romans. Leave all that to futile pedants. No flourishes, no declamations. But (I repeat it again) there is an elegant simplicity and dignity of style absolutely necessary forgoodletters of business; attend to that carefully. Let your periods be harmonious, without seeming to be labored; and let them not be too long, for that always occasions a degree of obscurity. I should not mention correct orthography, but that to fail in that particular will bring ridicule upon you; for no man is allowed to spell ill. The hand-writing, too, should be good; and I cannot conceive why it is ever otherwise, since every man may, certainly, write whatever hand he pleases. Neatness in folding up, sealing, and directing your packets is, by no means, to be neglected. There is something in the exterior, even of a packet or letter, that may please or displease; and, consequently, worth some attention.”
If you are writing a letter, either upon your own business or upon that of the person you are addressing, not in answer to him, but opening the subject between you, follow the rule of clearness and of business brevity. Come to the point at once, in order that the person addressed may easily comprehend you. Put nobody to the labor ofguessingwhat you desire, and be careful that half-instructions do not lead your correspondent astray. If you have so clear an idea of your operation in your mind, or if it is so simple a one that it needs no words, except specific directions, or a plain request, you need not waste time, but, with the proper forms of courtesy, instruct him of your wishes. In whatever you write, remember that time is valuable; and that embarrassingor indefinite letters are a great nuisance to a business man. I need hardly remark, that punctuality in answering correspondents is one of the cardinal business virtues. Where it is possible, answer letters by return of post, as you will thus save your own time, and pay your correspondent a flattering compliment. And in opening a correspondence or writing upon your own business, let your communication be made at the earliest proper date in order that your correspondent, as well as yourself, may have the benefit of thought and deliberation.
Letters of Inquiryshould be written in a happy medium, between tedious length and the brevity which would betoken indifference. As the subject is generally limited to questions upon one subject, they will not admit of much verbiage, and if your inquiry relates simply to a matter of business, it is better to confine your words strictly to that business; if, however, you are writing to make inquiry as to the health of a friend, or any other matter in which feeling or affection dictates the epistle, the cold, formal style of a business letter would become heartless, and, in many cases, positively insulting. You must here add some words of compliment, express your friendly interest in the subject, and your hope that a favorable answer may be returned, and if the occasion is a painful one, a few lines of regret or condolence may be added.
If you are requesting a favor of your correspondent, you should apologize for the trouble you are giving him, and mention the necessity which prompts you to write.
If you are making inquiries of a friend, your letterwill then admit of some words of compliment, and may be written in an easy, familiar style.
If writing to a stranger, your request for information becomes a personal favor, and you should write in a manner to show him that you feel this. Speak of the obligation he will confer, mention the necessity which compels you to trouble him, and follow his answer by a note of thanks.
Always, when sending a letter of inquiry, enclose a stamp for the answer. If you trouble your correspondent to take his time to write you information, valuable only to yourself, you have no right to tax him also for the price of postage.
Answers to letters of Inquiryshould be written as soon as possible after such letters are received. If the inquiry is of a personal nature, concerning your health, family affairs, or the denial or corroboration of some report concerning yourself, you should thank your correspondent for the interest he expresses, and such a letter should be answered immediately. If the letter you receive contains questions which you cannot answer instantly, as, for instance, if you are obliged to see a third party, or yourself make inquiry upon the subject proposed, it is best to write a few lines acknowledging the receipt of your friend’s letter, expressing your pleasure at being able to serve him, and stating why you cannot immediately give him the desired information, with the promise to write again as soon as such information is yours to send.
Letters requesting Favorsare trying to write, and must be dictated by the circumstances which makethem necessary. Be careful not to be servile in such letters. Take a respectful, but, at the same time, manly tone; and, while you acknowledge the obligation a favorable answer will confer, do not adopt the cringing language of a beggar.
Letters conferring Favorsshould never be written in a style to make the recipient feel a weight of obligation; on the contrary, the style should be such as will endeavor to convince your correspondent that in his acceptance of your favorheconfers an obligation uponyou.
Letters refusing Favorscall for your most courteous language, for they must give some pain, and this may be very much softened by the manner in which you write. Express your regret at being unable to grant your friend’s request, a hope that at some future time it may be in your power to answer another such letter more favorably, and give a good reason for your refusal.
Letters acknowledging Favors, or letters of thanks, should be written in a cordial, frank, and grateful style. While you earnestly thank your correspondent for his kindness, you must never hint at any payment of the obligation. If you have the means of obliging him near you at that instant, make your offer of the favor the subject of another letter, lest he attribute your haste to a desire to rid yourself of an obligation. To hint at a future payment is still more indelicate. When you can show your gratitude by a suitable return, then let your actions, not your words, speak for the accuracy of your memory in retaining the recollection of favors conferred.
Anonymous letters.The man who would writean anonymous letter, either to insult the person addressed, or annoy a third person, is a scoundrel, “whom ’twere gross flattery to name a coward.” None but a man of the lowest principles, and meanest character, would commit an act to gratify malice or hatred without danger to himself. A gentleman will treat such a communication with the contemptuous silence which it deserves.
Letters of Intelligence.The first thing to be regarded in a letter of intelligence istruth. They are written on every variety of subjects, under circumstances of the saddest and the most joyful nature. They are written often under the pressure of the most crushing grief, at other times when the hand trembles with ecstacy, and very frequently when a weight of other cares and engagements makes the time of the writer invaluable. Yet, whether the subject communicated concerns yourself or another, remember that every written word is a record for your veracity or falsehood. If exaggeration, or, still worse, malice, guide your pen, in imparting painful subjects, or if the desire to avoid causing grief makes you violate truth to soften trying news, you are signing your name to a written falsehood, and the letter may, at some future time, rise to confront you and prove that your intelligence cannot be trusted. Whatever the character of the news you communicate, let taste and discretion guide you in the manner of imparting it. If it is of so sorrowful a character that you know it must cause pain, you may endeavor to open the subject gradually, and a few lines of sympathy and comfort, if unheeded at the time, may be appreciated when themourner re-reads your letter in calmer moments. Joyful news, though it does not need the same caution, also admits of expressions of sympathy.
Never write the gossip around you, unless you areobligedto communicate some event, and then write only what you know to be true, or, if you speak of doubtful matters, state them to be such. Avoid mere scandal and hearsay, and, above all, avoid letting your own malice or bitterness of feeling color all your statements in their blackest dye. Be, under such circumstances, truthful, just, and charitable.
Letters of Recommendationshould be written only when they are positively necessary, and great caution should be used in giving them. They make you, in a measure, responsible for the conduct of another, and if you give them frequently, on slight grounds, you will certainly have cause to repent your carelessness. They are letters of business, and should be carefully composed; truthful, while they are courteous, and just, while they are kind. If you sacrifice candor to a mistaken kindness, you not only make yourself a party to any mischief that may result, but you are committing a dishonest act towards the person to whom the letter will be delivered.
Letters of Introductionshould be short, as they are generally delivered in person, and ought not to occupy much time in reading, as no one likes to have to wait while a long letter of introduction is read. While you speak of the bearer in the warm language of friendship, do not write praises in such a letter; they are about as much in place as they would be if you spoke them at a personal introduction. Leave letters of introductionunsealed, for it is a gross breach of politeness to prevent the bearer from reading what you have written, by fastening the envelope. The most common form is:—
Dear Sir,It gives me much pleasure to introduce to you, the bearer of this letter, as my friend Mr. J——, who is to remain a few days in your city on his way to New Orleans. I trust that the acquaintance of two friends, for whom I have so long entertained so warm an esteem, will prove as pleasant as my intercourse with each has always been. Any attention which it may be in your power to pay to Mr. J——, whilst he is in your city, will be highly appreciated and gratefully acknowledged byYour sincere friendJames C. Ray.Mr. L. G. Edmonds.June23d, 18—.
Dear Sir,
It gives me much pleasure to introduce to you, the bearer of this letter, as my friend Mr. J——, who is to remain a few days in your city on his way to New Orleans. I trust that the acquaintance of two friends, for whom I have so long entertained so warm an esteem, will prove as pleasant as my intercourse with each has always been. Any attention which it may be in your power to pay to Mr. J——, whilst he is in your city, will be highly appreciated and gratefully acknowledged by
Your sincere friendJames C. Ray.
Mr. L. G. Edmonds.June23d, 18—.
If your letter is to introduce any gentleman in his business or professional capacity, mention what that business is; and if your own acquaintance with the bearer is slight, you may also use the name of the persons from whom he brought letters to yourself. Here, you may, with perfect propriety, say a few words in praise of the bearer’s skill in his professional labors. If he is an artist, you need not hesitate to give a favorable opinion of whatever of his pictures you have seen, or, if a musician, express the delight his skill has afforded you.
A letter requesting an Autographshould always enclose a postage stamp for the reply. In such a lettersome words of compliment, expressive of the value of the name for which you ask, is in good taste. You may refer to the deeds or celebrity which have made the name so desirable, and also express your sense of the greatness of the favor, and the obligation the granting of it will confer.
Autograph Lettersshould be short; containing merely a few lines, thanking the person addressed for the compliment paid in requesting the signature, and expressive of the pleasure it gives you to comply with the request. If you wish to refuse (though none but a churl would do so), do not fall into the error of an eccentric American whose high position in the army tempted a collector of autographs to request his signature. The general wrote in reply:—
“Sir,“I’ll be hanged if I send my autograph to anybody.“Yours,“————.”
“Sir,
“I’ll be hanged if I send my autograph to anybody.
“Yours,“————.”
and signed his name in full in the strong, bold letters which always characterized his hand writing.
Invitations to Ladiesshould be written in the third person, unless you are very intimate with them, or can claim relationship. All letters addressed to a lady should be written in a respectful style, and when they are short and to a comparative stranger, the third person is the most elegant one to use. Remember, in directing letters to young ladies, the eldest one in a family is addressed by the surname alone, while the others have also the proper name; thus, if you wrote to the daughtersof Mr. Smith, the eldest one is Miss Smith, the others, Miss Annie Smith and Miss Jane Smith.
Invitations should be sent by your own servant, or clerk. Nothing is more vulgar than sending invitations through the despatch, and you run the risk of their being delayed. The first time that you invite a lady to accompany you to ride, walk, or visit any place of public amusement, you should also invite her mother, sister, or any other lady in the same family, unless you have a mother or sister with whom the lady invited is acquainted, when you should say in your note that your mother or sister will accompany you.
Letters of Complimentbeing confined to one subject should be short and simple. If they are of thanks for inquiry made, they should merely echo the letter they answer, with the acknowledgement of your correspondent’s courtesy.
Letters of Congratulation.Letters of congratulation are the most agreeable of all letters to write; your subject is before you, and you have the pleasure of sympathizing in the happiness of a friend. They should be written in a frank, genial style, with warm expressions of pleasure at your friend’s joy, and admit of any happy quotations or jest.
When congratulating your friend on an occasion of happiness to himself, be very careful that your letter has no word of envy at his good fortune, no fears for its short duration, no prophecy of a change for the worse; let all be bright, cheerful, and hopeful. There are few men whose life calls for letters of congratulation upon many occasions, let them have bright, unclouded oneswhen they can claim them. If you have other friends whose sorrow makes a contrast with the joy of the person to whom you are writing, nay, even if you yourself are in affliction, do not mention it in such a letter.
At the same time avoid the satire of exaggeration in your expressions of congratulation, and be very careful how you underline a word. If you write a hope that your friend may beperfectly happy, he will not think that the emphasis proves the strength of your wish, but that you are fearful that it will not be fulfilled.
If at the same time that you are writing a letter of congratulation, you have sorrowful news to communicate, do not put your tidings of grief into your congratulatory letter; let that contain only cheerful, pleasant words; even if your painful news must be sent the same day, send it in a separate epistle.
Letters of Condolenceare trying both to the writer and to the reader. If your sympathy is sincere, and you feel the grief of your friend as if it were your own, you will find it difficult to express in written words the sorrow that you are anxious to comfort.
Even the warmest, most sincere expressions, sound cold and commonplace to the mourner, and one grasp of the hand, one glance of the eye, will do more to express sympathy than whole sheets of written words. It is best not to try to sayallthat you feel. You will fail in the attempt and may weary your friend. Let your letter, then, be short, (not heartlessly so) but let its words, though few, be warm and sincere. Any light, cheerful jesting will be insulting in a letter of condolence.If you wish to comfort by bringing forward blessings or hopes for the future, do not do it with gay, or jesting expressions, but in a gentle, kind manner, drawing your words of comfort, not from trivial, passing events, but from the highest and purest sources.
If the subject for condolence be loss of fortune or any similar event, your letter will admit of the cheering words of every-day life, and kindly hopes that the wheel of fortune may take a more favorable turn; but, if death causes your friend’s affliction, there is but little to be said in the first hours of grief. Your letter of sympathy and comfort may be read after the first crushing grief is over, and appreciated then, but words of comfort are but little heeded when the first agony of a life-long separation is felt in all the force of its first hours.
Letters sent with presentsshould be short, mere cards of compliment, and written in the third person.
Letters acknowledging Presentsshould also be quite short, written in the third person, and merely containing a few lines of thanks, with a word or two of admiration for the beauty, value, or usefulness of the gift.
Letters of Adviceare generally very unpalatable for the reader, and had better not be written unless solicited, and not then unless your counsel will really benefit your correspondent. When written, let them be courteous, but, at the same time, perfectly frank. If you can avert an evil by writing a letter of advice, even when unsolicited, it is a friendly office to write, but it is usually a thankless one.
To write after an act has been performed, and state what your advice would have been, had your opinion been asked, is extremely foolish, and if you disapprove of the course that has been taken, your best plan is, certainly, to say nothing about it.
In writing your letter of advice, give your judgement as an opinion, not a law, and say candidly that you will not feel hurt if contrary advice offered by any other, more competent to judge in the case, is taken. While your candor may force you to give the most unpalatable counsel, let your courtesy so express it, that it cannot give offence.
Letters of Excuseare sometimes necessary, and they should be written promptly, as a late apology for an offence is worse than no apology at all. They should be written in a frank, manly style, containing an explanation of the offence, and the facts which led to it, the assurance of the absence of malice or desire to offend, sorrow for the circumstances, and a hope that your apology will be accepted. Never wait until circumstances force an apology from you before writing a letter of excuse. A frank, prompt acknowledgement of an offence, and a candidly expressed desire to atone for it, or for indulgence towards it, cannot fail to conciliate any reasonable person.
Cards of Complimentmust always be written in the third person.
Answers.The first requisite in answering a letter upon any subject, is promptness. If you can answer by return of mail, do so; if not, write as soon as possible.If you receive a letter making inquiries about facts which you will require time to ascertain, then write a few lines acknowledging the receipt of the letter of inquiry and promising to send the information as soon as possible.
From an English work, “The Habits of Good Society,” I quote some directions for the guidance of the happy man who proposes to enter the state of matrimony. I have altered a few words to suit the difference of country, but when weddings are performed in church, the rules given here are excellent. They will apply equally well to the evening ceremony.
“At a time when our feelings are or ought to be most susceptible, when the happiness or misery of a condition in which there is no medium begins, we are surrounded with forms and etiquettes which rise before the unwary like spectres, and which even the most rigid ceremonialists regard with a sort of dread.
“Were it not, however, for these forms, and for this necessity of beingen règle, there might, on the solemnization of marriage, be confusion, forgetfulness, and, even—speak it not aloud—irritation among the parties most intimately concerned. Excitement might ruin all. Without a definite programme, the old maids of the family would be thrusting in advice. The aged chronicler of past events, or grandmother by the fireside, would have it all her way; the venerable bachelor in tights,with his blue coat and metal buttons, might throw every thing into confusion by his suggestions. It is well that we are independent of all these interfering advisers; that there is no necessity to appeal to them. Precedent has arranged it all; we have only to put in or understand what that stern authority has laid down; how it has been varied by modern changes; and we must just shape our course boldly. ‘Boldly?’ But there is much to be done before we come to that. First, there is the offer to be made. Well may a man who contemplates such a step say to himself, with Dryden:
‘These are the realms of everlasting fate;’
‘These are the realms of everlasting fate;’
for, in truth, on marriage one’s well-being not only here but even hereafter mainly depends. But it is not on this bearing of the subject that we wish to enter, contenting ourselves with a quotation from theSpectator:
“‘It requires more virtues to make a good husband or wife, than what go to the finishing any the most shining character whatsoever.’
“In France, an engagement is an affair of negotiation and business; and the system, in this respect, greatly resembles the practice in England, on similar occasions, a hundred and fifty or two hundred years ago, or even later. France is the most unchanging country in the world in her habits and domestic institutions, and foremost among these is her ‘Marriage de convenance,’ or ‘Marriage de raison.’
“It is thus brought about. So soon as a young girl quits the school or convent where she has been educated, her friends cast about for a suitableparti. Most parentsin France take care, so soon as a daughter is born, to put aside a sum of money for her ‘dot,’ as they well know that, whatever may be her attractions,thatis indispensable in order to be married. They are ever on the look out for a youth with, at least, an equal fortune, or more; or, if they are rich, for title, which is deemed tantamount to fortune; even the power of writing those two little lettersDebefore your name has some value in the marriage contract. Having satisfied themselves, they thus address the young lady:—‘It is now time for you to be married; I know of an eligible match; you can see the gentleman, either at such a ball, or [if he is serious] at church. I do not ask you to take him if his appearance is positively disagreeable to you; if so, we will look out for some one else.’
“As a matter of custom, the young lady answers that the will of her parents is hers; she consents to take a survey of him to whom her destiny is to be entrusted; and let us presume that he is accepted, though it does not follow, and sometimes it takes several months to look out, as it does for other matters, a house, or a place, or a pair of horses. However, she consents; a formal introduction takes place; thepromiscalls in full dress to see his future wife; they are only just to speak to each other, and those few unmeaning words are spoken in the presence of the bride-elect’s mother; for the French think it most indiscreet to allow the affections of a girl to be interested before marriage, lest during the arrangements for the contract all should be broken off. If she has no dislike, it is enough; never for an instant are the engaged couple left alone, and in very few cases do theygo up to the altar with more than a few weeks’ acquaintance, and usually with less. The whole matter is then arranged by notaries, who squabble over the marriage-contract, and get all they can for their clients.
“The contract is usually signed in France on the day before the marriage, when all is considered safe; the religious portion of their bond takes place in the church, and then the two young creatures are left together to understand each other if they can, and to love each other if they will; if not they must content themselves with what is termed,un ménage de Paris.
“In England, formerly, much the same system prevailed. A boy of fourteen, before going on his travels, was contracted to a girl of eleven, selected as his future wife by parents or guardians; he came back after thegrande tourto fulfil the engagement. But by law it was imperative that forty days should at least pass between the contract and the marriage; during which dreary interval the couple, leashed together like two young greyhounds, would have time to think of the future. In France, the perilous period of reflection is not allowed. ‘I really am so glad we are to take a journey,’ said a young French lady to her friends; ‘I shall thus get to know something about my husband; he is quite a stranger to me.’ Some striking instances of theMarriage de convenancebeing infringed on, have lately occurred in France. The late Monsieur de Tocqueville married for love, after a five years’ engagement. Guizot, probably influenced by his acquaintance with England, gave his daughters liberty to choose for themselves, and theymarried forlove[B]—‘a very indelicate proceeding,’ remarked a French comtesse of the oldrégime, when speaking of this arrangement.
“Nothing can be more opposed to all this than the American system. They are so tenacious of the freedom of choice, that even persuasion is thought criminal.
“In France negotiations are often commenced on the lady’s side; in America, never. Even too encouraging a manner, even the ordinary attentions of civility, are, occasionally, a matter of reproach. We are jealous of the delicacy of that sacred bond; which we presume to hope is to spring out of mutual affection. A gentleman who, from whatever motives, has made up his mind to marry, may set about it in two ways. He may propose by letter or in words. The customs of society imply the necessity of a sufficient knowledge of the lady to be addressed. This, even in this country, is a difficult point to be attained; and, after all, cannot be calculated by time, since, in large cities, you may know people a year, and yet be comparative strangers; and, meeting them in the country, may become intimate in a week.
“Having made up his mind, the gentleman offers—wisely, if he can, in speech. Letters are seldom expressive of what really passes in the mind of man; or, if expressive, seem foolish, since deep feelings are liable to exaggeration. Every written word may be the theme of cavil. Study, care, which avail in every other species of composition, are death to the lover’s effusion. A few sentences, spoken in earnest, and broken by emotion, are more eloquent than pages of sentiment, both toparent and daughter. Let him, however, speak and be accepted. He is, in that case, instantly taken into the intimacy of his adopted relatives. Such is the notion of American honor, that the engaged couple are henceforth allowed to be frequently alone together, in walking and at home. If there be no known obstacle to the engagement, the gentleman and lady are mutually introduced to the respective relatives of each. It is for the gentleman’s family to call first; for him to make the first present; and this should be done as soon as possible after the offer has been accepted. It is a sort of seal put upon the affair. The absence of presents is thought to imply want of earnestness in the matter. This present generally consists of some personal ornament, say, a ring, and should be handsome, but not so handsome as that made for the wedding-day. During the period that elapses before the marriage, the betrothed man should conduct himself with peculiar deference to the lady’s family and friends, even if beneath his own station. It is often said: ‘I marry such a lady, but I do not mean to marry her whole family.’ This disrespectful pleasantry has something in it so cold, so selfish, that even if the lady’s family be disagreeable, there is a total absence of delicate feeling to her in thus speaking of those nearest to her. To her parents especially, the conduct of the betrothed man should be respectful; to her sisters kind without familiarity; to her brothers, every evidence of good-will should be testified. In making every provision for the future, in regard to settlements, allowance for dress, &c., theextentof liberality convenient should be the spirit of all arrangements. Perfect candor as tohis own affairs, respectful consideration for those of the family he is about to enter, mark a true gentleman.
“In France, however gay and even blameable a man may have been before his betrothal, he conducts himself with the utmost propriety after that event. A sense of what is due to a lady should repress all habits unpleasant to her; smoking, if disagreeable; frequenting places of amusement without her; or paying attention to other women. In this respect, indeed, the sense of honor should lead a man to be as scrupulous when his future wife is absent as when she is present, if not more so.
“In equally bad taste is exclusiveness. The devotions of two engaged persons should be reserved for thetête-à-tête, and women are generally in fault when it is otherwise. They like to exhibit their conquest; they cannot dispense with attentions; they forget that the demonstration of any peculiar condition of things in society must make some one uncomfortable; the young lady is uncomfortable because she is not equally happy; the young man detests what he calls nonsense; the old think there is a time for all things. All sitting apart, therefore, and peculiar displays, are in bad taste; I am inclined to think that they often accompany insincerity, and that the truest affections are those which are reserved for the genuine and heartfelt intimacy of private interviews. At the same time, the airs of indifference and avoidance should be equally guarded against; since, however strong and mutual attachment may be, such a line of conduct is apt needlessly to mislead others, and so produce mischief. True feeling, and a lady-like consideration for others, a point in which the present generationessentially fails, are the best guides for steering between the extremes of demonstration on the one hand, and of frigidity on the other.
“During the arrangement of pecuniary matters, a young lady should endeavor to understand what is going on, receiving it in a right spirit. If she has fortune, she should, in all points left to her, be generous and confiding, at the same time prudent. Many a man, she should remember, may abound in excellent qualities, and yet be improvident. He may mean to do well, yet have a passion for building; he may be the very soul of good nature, yet fond of the gaming-table; he may have no wrong propensities of that sort, and yet have a confused notion of accounts, and be one of those men who muddle away a great deal of money, no one knows how; or he may be a too strict economist, a man who takes too good care of the pence, till he tires your very life out about an extra dollar; or he may be facile or weakly good natured, and have a friend who preys on him, and for whom he is disposed to become security. Finally, the beloved Charles, Henry, or Reginald may have none of these propensities, but may chance to be an honest merchant, or a tradesman, with all his floating capital in business, and a consequent risk of being one day rich, the next a pauper.
“Upon every account, therefore, it is desirable for a young lady to have a settlement on her; and she should not, from a weak spirit of romance, oppose her friends who advise it, since it is for her husband’s advantage as well as her own. By making a settlement there is always a fund which cannot be touched—a something, howeversmall, as a provision for a wife and children; and whether she have fortune or not, this ought to be made. An allowance for dress should also be arranged; and this should be administered in such a way that a wife should not have to ask for it at inconvenient hours, and thus irritate her husband.
“Every preliminary being settled, there remains nothing except to fix the marriage-day, a point always left to the lady to advance; and next to settle how the ceremonial is to be performed is the subject of consideration.
“It is to be lamented that, previous to so solemn a ceremony, the thoughts of the lady concerned must necessarily be engaged for some time upon hertrousseau. Thetrousseauconsists, in this country, of all the habiliments necessary for a lady’s use for the first two or three years of her married life; like every other outfit there are always a number of articles introduced into it that are next to useless, and are only calculated for the vain-glory of the ostentatious.
“Thetrousseaubeing completed, and the day fixed, it becomes necessary to select the bridesmaids and the bridegroom’s man, and to invite the guests.
“The bridesmaids are from two to eight in number. It is ridiculous to have many, as the real intention of the bridesmaid is, that she should act as a witness of the marriage. It is, however, thought a compliment to include the bride’s sisters and those of the bridegroom’s relations and intimate friends, in case sisters do not exist.
“When a bride is young the bridesmaids should be young; but it is absurd to see a ‘single woman of a certainage,’ or a widow, surrounded by blooming girls, making her look plain and foolish. For them the discreet woman of thirty-five is more suitable as a bridesmaid. Custom decides that the bridesmaids should be spinsters, but there is no legal objection to a married woman being a bridesmaid, should it be necessary, as it might be abroad, or at sea, or where ladies are few in number. Great care should be taken not to give offence in the choice of bridesmaids by a preference, which is always in bad taste on momentous occasions.
“The guests at the wedding should be selected with similar attention to what is right and kind, with consideration to those who have a claim on us, not only to what we ourselves prefer.
“For a great wedding breakfast, it is customary to send out printed cards from the parents or guardians from whose house the young lady is to be married.
“Early in the day, before eleven, the bride should be dressed, taking breakfast in her own room. In America they load a bride with lace flounces on a rich silk, and even sometimes with ornaments. In France it is always remembered, with better taste, that when a young lady goes up to the altar, she is ‘encore jeune fille;’ her dress, therefore, is exquisitely simple; a dress of tulle over white silk, a long, wide veil of white tulle, going down to the very feet, a wreath of maiden-blush-roses interspersed with orange flowers. This is the usual costume of a French bride of rank, or in the middle classes equally.
“The gentleman’s dress should differ little from his full morning costume. The days are gone by whengentlemen were married—as a recently deceased friend of mine was—in white satin breeches and waistcoat. In these days men show less joy in their attire at the fond consummation of their hopes, and more in their faces. A dark-blue frock-coat—black being superstitiously considered ominous—a white waistcoat, and a pair of light trousers, suffice for the ‘happy man.’ The neck-tie also should be light and simple. Polished boots are not amiss, though plain ones are better. The gloves must be as white as the linen. Both are typical—for in these days types are as important as under the Hebrew law-givers—of the purity of mind and heart which are supposed to exist in their wearer. Eheu! after all, he cannot be too well dressed, for the more gay he is the greater the compliment to his bride. Flowers in the button-hole and a smile on the face show the bridegroom to be really a ‘happy man.’
“As soon as the carriages are at the door, those bridesmaids, who happen to be in the house, and the other members of the family set off first. The bride goes last, with her father and mother, or with her mother alone, and the brother or relative who is to represent her father in case of death or absence. The bridegroom, his friend, or bridegroom’s man, and the bridesmaids ought to be waiting in the church. The father of the bride gives her his arm, and leads her to the altar. Here her bridesmaids stand near her, as arranged by the clerk, and the bridegroom takes his appointed place.
“It is a good thing for the bridegroom’s man to distribute the different fees to the clergyman or clergymen,the clerk, and pew-opener, before the arrival of the bride, as it prevents confusion afterwards.
“The bride stands to the left of the bridegroom, and takes the glove off her right hand, whilst he takes his glove off his right hand. The bride gives her glove to the bridesmaid to hold, and sometimes to keep, as a good omen.
“The service then begins. During the recital, it is certainly a matter of feeling how the parties concerned should behave; but if tears can be restrained, and a quiet modesty in the lady displayed, and her emotions subdued, it adds much to the gratification of others, and saves a few pangs to the parents from whom she is to part.
“It should be remembered that this is but the closing scene of a drama of some duration—first the offer, then the consent and engagement. In most cases the marriage has been preceded by acts which have stamped the whole with certainty, although we do not adopt the contract system of our forefathers, and although no event in this life can be certain.
“I have omitted the mention of the bouquet, because it seems to me always an awkward addition to the bride, and that it should be presented afterwards on her return to the breakfast. Gardenias, if in season, white azalia, or even camellias, with very little orange flowers, form the bridal bouquet. The bridesmaids are dressed, on this occasion, so as to complete the picture with effect. When there are six or eight, it is usual for three of them to dress in one color, and three in another. At some of the most fashionable weddings in London, the bridesmaidswear veils—these are usually of net or tulle; white tarlatan dresses, over muslin or beautifully-worked dresses, are much worn, with colors introduced—pink or blue, and scarves of those colors; and white bonnets, if bonnets are worn, trimmed with flowers to correspond. These should be simple, but the flowers as natural as possible, and of the finest quality. The bouquets of the bridesmaids should be of mixed flowers. These they may have at church, but the present custom is for the gentlemen of the house to present them on their return home, previous to the wedding breakfast.
“The register is then signed. The bride quits the church first with the bridegroom, and gets into his carriage, and the father and mother, bridesmaids, and bridegroom’s man, follow in order in their own.
“The breakfast is arranged on one or more tables, and is generally provided by a confectioner when expense is not an object.
“Presents are usual, first from the bridegroom to the bridesmaids. These generally consist of jewelry, the device of which should be unique or quaint, the article more elegant than massive. The female servants of the family, more especially servants who have lived many years in their place, also expect presents, such as gowns or shawls; or to a very valued personal attendant or housekeeper, a watch. But on such points discretion must suggest, and liberality measure out thelargesseof the gift.”
When the ceremony is performed at the house of the bride, the bridegroom should be ready full half an hour before the time appointed, and enter the parlor at thehead of his army of bridesmaids and groomsmen, with his fair bride on his arm. In America a groomsman is allowed for each bridesmaid, whilst in England one poor man is all that is allowed for six, sometimes eight bridesmaids. The brothers or very intimate friends of the bride and groom are usually selected for groomsmen.
When you wish to invite a lady to accompany you to the theatre, opera, a concert, or any other public place of amusement, send the invitation the day previous to the one selected for taking her, and write it in the third person. If it is the first time you have invited her, include her mother, sister, or some other lady in the invitation.
If she accepts your invitation, let it be your next care to secure good seats, for it is but a poor compliment to invite a lady to go to the opera, and put her in an uncomfortable seat, where she can neither hear, see, nor be seen.
Although, when alone, you will act a courteous part in giving your seat to a strange lady, who is standing, in a crowded concert room, you should not do so when you are with a lady. By giving up your place beside her, you may place a lady next her, whom she will find an unpleasant companion, and you are yourself separated from her, when the conversation between the acts makes one of the greatest pleasures of an evening spent in this way. In case of accident, too, he deprives her of his protection, and gives her the appearance of having comealone. Your first duty, when you are escorting a lady, is to that lady before all others.
When you are with a lady at a place of amusement, you must not leave your seat until you rise to escort her home. If at the opera, you may invite her to promenade between the acts, but if she declines, do you too remain in your seat.
Let all your conversation be in a low tone, not whispered, nor with any air of mystery, but in a tone that will not disturb those seated near you.
Any lover-like airs or attitudes, although you may have the right to assume them, are in excessively bad taste in public.
If the evening you have appointed be a stormy one, you must call for your companion with a carriage, and this is the more elegant way of taking her even if the weather does not make it absolutely necessary.
When you are entering a concert room, or the box of a theatre, walk before your companion up the aisle, until you reach the seats you have secured, then turn, offer your hand to her, and place her in the inner seat, taking the outside one yourself; in going out, if the aisle is too narrow to walk two abreast, you again precede your companion until you reach the lobby, where you turn and offer your arm to her.
Loud talking, laughter, or mistimed applause, are all in very bad taste, for if you do not wish to pay strict attention to the performance, those around you probably do, and you pay but a poor compliment to your companion in thus implying her want of interest in what she came to see.
Secure your programme, libretto, or concert bill, before taking your seat, as, if you leave it, in order to obtain them, you may find some one else occupying your place when you return, and when the seats are not secured, he may refuse to rise, thus giving you the alternative of an altercation, or leaving your companion without any protector. Or, you may find a lady in your seat, in which case, you have no alternative, but must accept the penalty of your carelessness, by standing all the evening.
In a crowd, do not push forward, unheeding whom you hurt or inconvenience, but try to protect your companion, as far as possible, and be content to take your turn.
If your seats are secured, call for your companion in time to be seated some three or four minutes before the performance commences, but if you are visiting a hall where you cannot engage seats, it is best to go early.
If you are alone and see ladies present with whom you are acquainted, you may, with perfect propriety, go and chat with them between the acts, but when with a lady, never leave her to speak to another lady.
At an exhibition of pictures or statuary, you may converse, but let it be in a quiet, gentlemanly tone, and without gesture or loud laughter. If you stand long before one picture or statue, see that you are not interfering with others who may wish to see the same work of art. If you are engaged in conversation, and wish to rest, do not take a position that will prevent othersfrom seeing any of the paintings, but sit down, or stand near the centre of the room.
Never, unless urgently solicited, attach yourself to any party at a place of amusement, even if some of the members of it are your own relatives or intimate friends.
When you are walking with a lady who has your arm, be careful tokeep stepwith her, and do not force her to take long, unladylike steps, or trot beside you with two steps to one of yours, by keeping your usual manly stride.
Never allow a lady, with whom you are walking, to carry a bundle, shawl, or bag, unless both your hands are already occupied in her service.
When you attend a wedding or bridal reception, it is the bridegroom whom you are tocongratulate, offering to the bride your wishes for her future happiness, but notcongratulation. If you are acquainted with the bridegroom, but not with the bride, speak to him first, and he will introduce you to his bride, but in any other case, you must speak first to the bride, then to the bridegroom, then the bridesmaids, if you have any previous acquaintance with them, then to the parents and family of the bride, and after all this you are at liberty to seek your other friends among the guests. If you are personally a stranger to the newly married couple, but have received a card from being a friend of one of the familiesor from any other reason, it is the first groomsman’s place to introduce you, and you should give him your card, or mention your name, before he leads you to the bride.
Always remove a chair or stool that stands in the way of a lady passing, even though she is an entire stranger to you.
You may hand a chair to a strange lady, in a hotel, or upon a boat; you may hand her water, if you see her rise to obtain it, and at a hotel table you may pass her the dishes near you, with perfect propriety.
In this country where every other man uses tobacco, it may not be amiss to say a few words on smoking.
Dr. Prout says, “Tobacco is confessedly one of the most virulent poisons in nature. Yet such is the fascinating influence of this noxious weed, that mankind resort to it in every form they can devise, to ensure its stupifying and pernicious agency. Tobacco disorders the assimilating functions in general, but particularly, as I believe, the assimilation of the saccharine principle. I have never, indeed, been able to trace the development of oxalic acid to the use of tobacco; but that some analogous, and equally poisonous principle (probably of an acid nature), is generated in certain individuals by its abuse, is evident from their cachectic looks, and from the dark, and often greenish yellow tint of the blood. The severe and peculiar dyspeptic symptoms sometimes produced by inveterate snuff-taking are well known; and I have more than once seen such cases terminate fatally with malignant disease of the stomach and liver. Great smokers, also, especially those who employ short pipesand cigars, are said to be liable to cancerous affections of the lips.”
Yet, in spite of such warnings met with every day, Young America, Middle-aged America, and Old America will continue to use the poison, and many even use it in excess. An English writer gives some very good rules for the times and places where smoking may be allowed, which I quote for the use of smokers on this side of the water.
He says:
“But what shall I say of the fragrant weed which Raleigh taught our gallants to puff in capacious bowls; which a royal pedant denounced in a famous ‘Counterblast;’ which his flattering laureate, Ben Jonson, ridiculed to please his master; which our wives and sisters protest gives rise to the dirtiest and most unsociable habit a man can indulge in; of which some fair favorers declare that they love the smell, and others that they will never marry an indulger (which, by the way, they generally end in doing); which has won a fame over more space and among better men than Noah’s grape has ever done; which doctors still dispute about, and boys still get sick over; but which is the solace of the weary laborer; the support of the ill-fed; the refresher of over-wrought brains; the soother of angry fancies; the boast of the exquisite; the excuse of the idle; the companion of the philosopher; and the tenth muse of the poet. I will go neither into the medical nor the moral question about the dreamy, calming cloud. I will content myself so far with saying what may be said for everything that can bless and curse mankind, that, in moderation, it is atleast harmless; but what is moderate and what is not, must be determined in each individual case, according to the habits and constitution of the subject. If it cures asthma, it may destroy digestion; if it soothes the nerves, it may, in excess, produce a chronic irritability.
“But I will regard it in a social point of view; and, first, as a narcotic, notice its effects on the individual character. I believe, then, that in moderation it diminishes the violence of the passions, and, particularly, that of the temper. Interested in the subject, I have taken care to seek instances of members of the same family having the same violent tempers by inheritance, of whom the one has been calmed down by smoking, and the other gone on in his passionate course. I believe that it induces a habit of calm reflectiveness, which causes us to take less prejudiced, perhaps less zealous views of life, and to be, therefore, less irritable in our converse with our fellow creatures. I am inclined to think that the clergy, the squirearchy, and the peasantry are the most prejudiced and most violent classes in this country; there may be other reasons for this, but it is noteworthy that these are the classes which smoke least. On the other hand, I confess that it induces a certain lassitude, and a lounging, easy mode of life, which are fatal both to the precision of manners and the vivacity of conversation. The mind of a smoker is contemplative rather than active; and if the weed cures our irritability, it kills our wit. I believe that it is a fallacy to suppose that it encourages drinking. There is more drinking and less smoking in England than in any other country of the civilized world. There was more drinking among thegentry of last century, who never smoked at all. Smoke and wine do not go well together. Coffee or beer are its best accompaniments, and the one cannot intoxicate, the other must be largely imbibed to do so. I have observed among young bachelors that very little wine is drunk in their chambers, and that beer is gradually taking its place. The cigar, too, is an excuse for rising from the dinner-table where there are no ladies to go to.
“In another point of view, I am inclined to think that smoking has conduced to make the society of men, when alone, less riotous, less quarrelsome, and even less vicious than it was. Where young men now blow a common cloud, they were formerly driven to a fearful consumption of wine, and this in their heads, they were ready and roused to any iniquity. But the pipe is the bachelor’s wife. With it he can endure solitude longer, and is not forced into low society in order to shun it. With it, too, the idle can pass many an hour, which otherwise he would have given, not to work, but to extravagant devilries. With it he is no longer restless and impatient for excitement of any kind. We never hear now of young blades issuing in bands from their wine to beat the watch or disturb the slumbering citizens, as we did thirty or forty years ago, when smoking was still a rarity; they are all puffing harmlessly in their chambers now. But, on the other hand, I foresee with dread a too tender allegiance to the pipe, to the destruction of good society, and the abandonment of the ladies. No wonder they hate it, dear creatures; the pipe is the worst rival a woman can have, and it is one whose eyes she cannot scratch out; who improves with age, whileshe herself declines; who has an art which no woman possesses, that of never wearying her devotee; who is silent, yet a companion; costs little, yet gives much pleasure; who, lastly, never upbraids, and always yields the same joy. Ah! this is a powerful rival to wife or maid, and no wonder that at last the woman succumbs, consents, and, rather than lose her lord or master, even supplies the hated herb with her own fair hands.
“There are rules to limit this indulgence. One must never smoke, nor even ask to smoke, in the company of the fair. If they know that in a few minutes you will be running off to your cigar, the fair will do well—say it is in a garden, or so—to allow you to bring it out and smoke it there. One must never smoke, again, in the streets; that is, in daylight. The deadly crime may be committed, like burglary, after dark, but not before. One must never smoke in a room inhabited at times by the ladies; thus, a well-bred man who has a wife or sisters, will not offer to smoke in the dining-room after dinner. One must never smoke in a public place, where ladies are or might be, for instance, a flower-show or promenade. One may smoke in a railway-carriage in spite of by-laws, if one has first obtained the consent of every one present; but if there be a lady there, though she give her consent, smoke not. In nine cases out of ten, she will give it from good nature. One must never smoke in a close carriage; one may ask and obtain leave to smoke when returning from a pic-nic or expedition in an open carriage. One must never smoke in a theatre, on a race-course, nor in church. This last is not, perhaps, a needless caution. In the Belgian churches yousee a placard announcing, ‘Ici on ne mâche pas du tabac.’ One must never smoke when anybody shows an objection to it. One must never smoke a pipe in the streets; one must never smoke at all in the coffee-room of a hotel. One must never smoke, without consent, in the presence of a clergyman, and one must never offer a cigar to any ecclesiastic.
“But if you smoke, or if you are in the company of smokers, and are to wear your clothes in the presence of ladies afterwards, you must change them to smoke in. A host who asks you to smoke, will generally offer you an old coat for the purpose. You must also, after smoking, rinse the mouth well out, and, if possible, brush the teeth. You should never smoke in another person’s house without leave, and you should not ask leave to do so if there are ladies in the house. When you are going to smoke a cigar you should offer one at the same time to anybody present, if not a clergyman or a very old man. You should always smoke a cigar given to you, whether good or bad, and never make any remarks on its quality.
“Smoking reminds me of spitting, but as this is at all times a disgusting habit, I need say nothing more than—never indulge in it. Besides being coarse and atrocious, it is very bad for the health.”
Chesterfield warns his son against faults in good breeding in the following words, and these warnings will be equally applicable to the student of etiquette in the present day. He says:—
“Of the lesser talents, good breeding is the principal and most necessary one, not only as it is very importantin itself, but as it adds great lustre to the more solid advantages both of the heart and the mind. I have often touched upon good breeding to you before; so that this letter shall be upon the next necessary qualification to it, which is a genteel and easy manner and carriage, wholly free from those odd tricks, ill-habits, and awkwardnesses, which even many very worthy and sensible people have in their behaviour. However trifling a genteel manner may sound, it is of very great consequence towards pleasing in private life, especially the women, which one time or other, you will think worth pleasing; and I have known many a man from his awkwardness, give people such a dislike of him at first, that all his merit could not get the better of it afterwards. Whereas a genteel manner prepossesses people in your favor, bends them towards you, and makes them wish to be like you. Awkwardness can proceed but from two causes; either from not having kept good company, or from not having attended to it. In good company do you take care to observe their ways and manners, and to form your own upon them. Attention is absolutely necessary for this, as, indeed, it is for everything else; and a man without attention is not fit to live in the world. When an awkward fellow first comes into a room, it is highly probable that he goes and places himself in the very place of the whole room where he should not; there he soon lets his hat fall down, and, in taking it up again, throws down his cane; in recovering his cane, his hat falls a second time, so that he is quarter of an hour before he is in order again. If he drinks tea or coffee, he certainly scalds his mouth, and lets either the cup or saucer fall,and spills either the tea or coffee. At dinner his awkwardness distinguishes itself particularly, as he has more to do; there he holds his knife, fork, and spoon differently from other people, eats with his knife, to the great danger of his mouth, picks his teeth with his fork, and puts his spoon, which has been in his throat twenty times, into the dishes again. If he is to carve, he can never hit the joint: but, in his vain efforts to cut through the bone, scatters the sauce in everybody’s face. He generally daubs himself with soup and grease, though his napkin is commonly stuck through a button-hole, and tickles his chin. When he drinks, he infallibly coughs in his glass, and besprinkles the company. Besides all this, he has strange tricks and gestures; such as snuffing up his nose, making faces, putting his finger in his nose, or blowing it and looking afterwards in his handkerchief so as to make the company sick. His hands are troublesome to him, when he has not something in them, and he does not know where to put them; but they are in perpetual motion between his bosom and his breeches; he does not wear his clothes, and, in short, he does nothing like other people. All this, I own, is not in any degree criminal; but it is highly disagreeable and ridiculous in company, and ought most carefully to be avoided, by whoever desires to please.
“From this account of what you should not do, you may easily judge what you should do; and a due attention to the manners of people of fashion, and who have seen the world, will make it habitual and familiar to you.
“There is, likewise, an awkwardness of expression andwords, most carefully to be avoided; such as false English, bad pronunciation, old sayings, and common proverbs; which are so many proofs of having kept bad and low company. For example, if, instead of saying that tastes are different, and that every man has his own peculiar one, you should let off a proverb, and say, That what is one man’s meat is another man’s poison; or else, Every one as they like, as the good man said when he kissed his cow; everybody would be persuaded that you had never kept company with anybody above footmen and housemaids.
“Attention will do all this, and without attention nothing is to be done; want of attention, which is really want of thought, is either folly or madness. You should not only have attention to everything, but a quickness of attention, so as to observe, at once, all the people in the room, their motions, their looks, and their words, and yet without staring at them, and seeming to be an observer. This quick and unobserved observation is of infinite advantage in life, and is to be acquired with care; and, on the contrary, what is called absence, which is thoughtlessness, and want of attention about what is doing, makes a man so like either a fool or a madman, that, for my part, I see no real difference. A fool never has thought; a madman has lost it; and an absent man is, for the time, without it.