(Texeldoes not conceal his enjoyment of the scene.)Cyrus. (Grimly.) Which wife?(Carvetwiddles his thumbs.)Alcar. But do you mean——Texel. May I interrupt, Lord Leonard? I could listen for hours to this absolutely stupendous gentleman. A circus is nothing to it. But aren't we jumping the track? I've got two witnesses. Mr. Cyrus Carve will swear that your Mr. X isnothis cousin. And the original Mrs. Albert Shawn will swear that heisher husband. That's my case. How is my esteemed opponent going to answer it?Ebag. In the first place, have you cross-examined this very original Mrs. Albert Shawn?Texel. Come. You don't mean to argue that a woman could mistake another man for her own husband—even after twenty-five years or so?[142]Ebag. (Smiling apologetically for his freedom.) According to the divorce reports, they're constantly doing it after one year, to say nothing of twenty-five.Texel. (Appreciative.) Good! That's good! Well, I may tell you right here that I had an interview with this gentleman's (indicatingCarve) ecclesiastical twins only yesterday afternoon, and they assure me that their mother is positive on the point.Janet. (Meditatively.) Simpletons!Alcar. I beg pardon.Janet. I daresay they preach very nicely, but out of the pulpit they don't what I should call shine, poor boys! Anybody could see she wasn't positive. Why, it wasn't until the old lady dropped in to have a cup of tea with us that I felt sure my husband's name reallywasCarve.Alcar. Then you hadn't credited his story before?Janet. Well, it wanted some crediting, didn't it?Cyrus. (With intention.) You only began to credit it after Mr. Ebag had called and paid you the sum of £500 in cash.Janet. (After a slight pause, calmly.) Oh! So you know about that, do you?Carve. (ToCyrus,genially.) Cousin, if you continue in that strain I shall have to take[143]you out on to the doormat and assault you.Ebag. I should like to say——Cyrus. (Interrupting grimly.) Lord Leonard, isn't it time that this ceased?Texel. (Heartily amused.) But why? I'm enjoying every minute of it.Alcar. I should be sorry to interfere with Mr. Texel's amusement, but I think the moment has now come for me to make a disclosure. When I was approached as to this affair I consulted Mr. Cyrus Carve first, he being the sole surviving relative of his cousin. That seemed to me to be the natural and proper course to adopt. Mr. Cyrus Carve gave me a very important piece of information, and it is solely on the strength of that information that I have invited you all to come here this afternoon. (He looks atCyrus.)Cyrus. (Clearing his throat, toEbagandCarve.) Of course, you'll argue that after thirty-five years absence it's a wise man that can recognize his own cousin. I'm absolutely convinced in my own mind that you (scorn-fully toCarve) are not my cousin. But then, you'll tell me that men have been hung before now on the strength of sworn identification that proved afterwards to be mistaken. I admit it. I admit that in theory I may be[144]wrong. (With increased grim sarcasm.) I admit that in theory the original Mrs. Shawn may be wrong. Everything's possible, especially with a bully of a K.C. cross-examining you, and a judge turning you into 'copy' forPunch. But I've got something up my sleeve that will settle the whole affair instantly, to the absolute satisfaction of both plaintiff and defendant.Carve. My dear fellow, why not have told us this exciting news earlier?Cyrus. Why not? (Glowering atCarve.) Because I wanted you to commit yourself completely beyond any withdrawing. I decided what sort of man you were the moment I first set eyes on you, and when I heard of this law case, I said to myself that I'd come forward as a witness, but I shouldn't give any evidence away in advance. I said to myself I'd show you up once and for all in full court. However, his lordship prevailed on me.Carve. Well?Cyrus. When my cousin and I were boys I've seen him with his shirt off.Carve. True. And he's seen you withyoursoff.Cyrus. Now just here (pointing to left front neck below collar), just below his collar, my cousin Ilam Carve had two moles close together—one[145]was hairy and the other wasn't. My cousin was very proud of them.Carve. Oh!Cyrus. (Ferociously sarcastic.) I suppose you'll say you've had them removed?Carve. (Casually.) No. Not precisely.Cyrus. Can you show them?Carve. (Very casually.) Of course.Texel. (Slapping his knee.) Great! Great!Cyrus. (Staggered but obstinate.) Well, let's have a look at them.Alcar. (ToJanet.) Then doubtless you are familiar with this double phenomenon, Mrs. X?Janet. Yes. But he isn't so proud of his moles now as he used to be when he was a boy.Alcar. Now, gentlemen, you see how beautifully clear the situation is. By one simple act we shall arrive at a definite and final result, and we shall have avoided all the noise and scandal of a public trial. Mr. X, will you oblige us very much by taking your collar off?Janet. (Jumping up.) Please, there's just one little thing. (ToCarve.) Wait a moment, dear. (ToEbag.) Mr. Ebag, how many of those pictures did you sell to Mr. Texel?Ebag. Fifteen.[146]Janet. And you made a profit of over four hundred pounds on each?Texel. (Boisterously—laughing toEbag.) You did?Janet. Fifteen times four hundred—that makes—how much does it make?Texel. Six thousand, madam. Thirty thousand dollars. Great!Janet. (ToEbag.) Don't you think we deserve some of that, as it were?Ebag. Madam, I shall be delighted to pay you five thousand four hundred pounds. That will be equivalent to charging you a nominal commission of ten per cent.Janet. Thank you.Carve. I won't touch a penny of their wretched money.Janet. (Sweetly.) I wouldn't dream of asking you to, dearest.Ishall touch it. Goodness knows what street we shall be in after this affair—and with my brewery shares gone simply all to pieces! Now, dearest, you can take it off. (She resumes her seat.)Carve. (Lightly.) I'm hanged if I do!Alcar. But, my dear Mr. X!Carve. (Lightly.) I'm dashed if I take my collar off.Cyrus. (Triumphant.) Ha! I knew it.Carve. Why should I offer my skin to the inspection of two individuals in whom I[147]haven't the slightest interest? They've quarrelled about me, but is that a reason why I should undress myself? Let me say again, I've no desire whatever to prove that I am Ilam Carve.Alcar. But surely to oblige us immensely, Mr. X, you will consent to give just one extra performance of an operation which, in fact, you accomplish three hundred and sixty-five times every year without any disastrous results.Carve. I don't look at it like that. Already my fellow-citizens, expressing their conviction that I was a great artist, have buried me in Westminster Abbey—notbecauseI was a great artist, but because I left a couple of hundred thousand pounds for a public object. And now my fellow-citizens, here assembled, want me to convince them that I am a great artist by taking my collar off. I won't do it. I simply will not do it. It's too English. If any person wishes to be convinced that I'm an artist and not a mountebank, let him look at my work (pointing vaguely to a picture), because that's all the proof that I mean to offer. If he is blind or shortsighted I regret it, but my neck isn't going to help him.Texel. Brilliant! Then we shall have the trial after all.[148]Cyrus. Yes, but your brilliant friend will be on his way to South America before then.Janet. (Sweetly toCyrus.) I assure you it's quite true about those moles. That's why he wears those collars.Cyrus. (Grimly.) No doubt.... (Repeating.) Nevertheless he'll be on his way to South America.Carve. (Gaily.) Or Timbuctoo.Cyrus. (Significantly.) Unless you're stopped.Carve. And who's going to stop me? All the laws of this country added together can't make me take my collar off if I don't want to.Cyrus. What about arresting you for bigamy? What about Holloway? I fancy at Holloway they have a short method with people who won't take their collars off.Carve. Well, that will only be another proof that the name of this island is England. It will be telegraphed to the Continent that in order to prove to herself that she possessed a great artist, England had to arrest him for bigamy and shove him into prison.... Characteristic! Characteristic!Alcar. (Who has moved across toJanet.) Mrs. X, can you—Janet. (Rising toCarve,winningly.) Now—Ilam. You're only laying up trouble for yourself, and for me too. Do please think of the trial. You know how shy you are, and how[149]you tremble at the mere thought of a witness-box.Cyrus. I can believe it.Carve. (Smiling atJanet.) I've got past shyness. I think it was the visit of my fine stalwart sons yesterday that cured me of shyness. I doubt if I shall ever be shy any more.Janet. (Appealingly.) Dearest, to please me!Carve. (Curt now for the first time, with a flash of resentment.) No.Janet. (After a slight pause; hurt and startled; with absolute conviction, toLord Leonard Alcar.) It's no use. He's made up his mind.Ebag. I have an idea that I can persuade—Janet. (Hotly.) Excuse me. You can't.Ebag. I have an idea I can. But (hesitates) the fact is, not in the presence of ladies.Janet. Oh. If that's all—(walks away in a huff.)Ebag. (ToJanet.) My deepest apologies.(Lord Leonard AlcarshowsJanetout.)Texel. Well, well! What now?Ebag. (ToCarve.) You remember Lady Alice Rowfant?Carve. (Taken aback.) That doesn't concern you.Ebag. (Ignoring this answer.) Pardon me if I[150]speak plainly. You were once engaged to marry Lady Alice Rowfant. But a few days before your valet died you changed your mind and left her in the lurch in Spain. Lady Alice Rowfant is now in England. She has been served with a subpoena to give evidence at the trial. And if the trial comes on she will have to identify you and tell her story in court. (Pause.) Are you going to put her to this humiliation?(Carvewalks about. Then he gives a gesture of surrender.)Carve. The artist is always beaten! (With an abrupt movement he pulls undone the bow of his necktie.)(The stage is darkened to indicate the passage of a few minutes.)SCENE 2(Carveis attempting to re-tie his necktie.Lord Leonard Alcaris coming away from door back.Janetenters from door, L.)Janet. (Under emotion, toCarve.) Then you've done it! (Carveignores her.)Alcar. Yes, andIfeel like a dentist.Janet. You've sent them all away.[151]Alcar. I thought you'd like me to. Mr. Ebag took charge of Mr. Texel. Your cousin Cyrus was extremely upset.Janet. What did she say?Alcar. Who say?Janet. Lady Alice Rowfant, of course. Oh! You needn't pretend! As soon as Mr. Ebag asked me to go out I knew he'd got her up his sleeve. (Weeps slightly.)Alcar. (Very sympathetically.) My dear young lady, what is the matter?Janet. (Her utterance disturbed by sobs—indicatingCarve.) He'd do it for her, but he wouldn't do it for me!Alcar. I assure you, Lady Alice Rowfant has not been here.Janet. Honest?Alcar. No. The mere mention of her name was sufficient.Janet. That's even worse! (Rushing across toCarveand pettishly seizing his necktie.Carvesubmits.) Here! Let me do it—for goodness sake! Great clumsy! (Still tearful—toLord Leonard Alcaras she ties the necktie.) Somehow I don't mind crying in front of you, because you're so nice and fatherly.Alcar. Well, if I'm so fatherly, may I venture on a little advice to you two? (ToCarve.) You said you didn't want to be Ilam Carve.[152]Don'tbe Ilam Carve. Let Ilam Carve continue his theoretical repose in the Abbey and you continue to be somebody else. It will save a vast amount of trouble, and nobody will be a penny the worse. Leave England—unobtrusively. If you feel homesick, arrange to come back during a general election, and you will be absolutely unnoticed. You have money. If you need more, I can dispose of as many new pictures as you like to send.Janet. I don't want him to paint any more pictures.Alcar. But he will.Janet. I suppose he will. Why is it? As if we hadn't had enough bother already through this art business!Alcar. Yes. But artists are like that, you know.Janet. (Affectionately reproachful toCarve.) Child! Look how nicely I've tied it for you. (Shakes him.) Whatever are you dreaming about?Carve. (After glancing in mirror reflectively.) There's only one question. Last time they buried me in the Abbey,—what will they do with me next time?CURTAIN.WORKS BY ARNOLD BENNETTNOVELSA MAN FROM THE NORTHANNA OF THE FIVE TOWNSLEONORAA GREAT MANSACRED AND PROFANE LOVEWHOM GOD HATH JOINEDBURIED ALIVETHE OLD WIVES' TALETHE GLIMPSEHELEN WITH THE HIGH HANDCLAYHANGERTHE CARDHILDA LESSWAYSFANTASIASTHE GRAND BABYLON HOTELTHE GATES OF WRATHTERESA OF WATLING STREETTHE LOOT OF CITIESHUGOTHE GHOSTTHE CITY OF PLEASURESHORT STORIESTALES OF THE FIVE TOWNSTHE GRIM SMILE OF THE FIVE TOWNSTHE MATADOR OF THE FIVE TOWNSBELLES-LETTRESJOURNALISM FOR WOMENFAME AND FICTIONHOW TO BECOME AN AUTHORTHE TRUTH ABOUT AN AUTHORTHE REASONABLE LIFEHOW TO LIVE ON TWENTY-FOUR HOURS A DAYTHE HUMAN MACHINELITERARY TASTETHE FEAST OF ST. FRIENDTHOSE UNITED STATESDRAMAPOLITE FARCESCUPID AND COMMON SENSEWHAT THE PUBLIC WANTSTHE HONEYMOONMILESTONES (In collaboration withEdwardKNOBLAUCH)(In collaboration with EDEN PHILLPOTTS)THE SINEWS OF WAR: A ROMANCETHE STATUE: A ROMANCE
(Texeldoes not conceal his enjoyment of the scene.)
(Texeldoes not conceal his enjoyment of the scene.)
Cyrus. (Grimly.) Which wife?
(Carvetwiddles his thumbs.)
(Carvetwiddles his thumbs.)
Alcar. But do you mean——
Texel. May I interrupt, Lord Leonard? I could listen for hours to this absolutely stupendous gentleman. A circus is nothing to it. But aren't we jumping the track? I've got two witnesses. Mr. Cyrus Carve will swear that your Mr. X isnothis cousin. And the original Mrs. Albert Shawn will swear that heisher husband. That's my case. How is my esteemed opponent going to answer it?
Ebag. In the first place, have you cross-examined this very original Mrs. Albert Shawn?
Texel. Come. You don't mean to argue that a woman could mistake another man for her own husband—even after twenty-five years or so?
Ebag. (Smiling apologetically for his freedom.) According to the divorce reports, they're constantly doing it after one year, to say nothing of twenty-five.
Texel. (Appreciative.) Good! That's good! Well, I may tell you right here that I had an interview with this gentleman's (indicatingCarve) ecclesiastical twins only yesterday afternoon, and they assure me that their mother is positive on the point.
Janet. (Meditatively.) Simpletons!
Alcar. I beg pardon.
Janet. I daresay they preach very nicely, but out of the pulpit they don't what I should call shine, poor boys! Anybody could see she wasn't positive. Why, it wasn't until the old lady dropped in to have a cup of tea with us that I felt sure my husband's name reallywasCarve.
Alcar. Then you hadn't credited his story before?
Janet. Well, it wanted some crediting, didn't it?
Cyrus. (With intention.) You only began to credit it after Mr. Ebag had called and paid you the sum of £500 in cash.
Janet. (After a slight pause, calmly.) Oh! So you know about that, do you?
Carve. (ToCyrus,genially.) Cousin, if you continue in that strain I shall have to take[143]you out on to the doormat and assault you.
Ebag. I should like to say——
Cyrus. (Interrupting grimly.) Lord Leonard, isn't it time that this ceased?
Texel. (Heartily amused.) But why? I'm enjoying every minute of it.
Alcar. I should be sorry to interfere with Mr. Texel's amusement, but I think the moment has now come for me to make a disclosure. When I was approached as to this affair I consulted Mr. Cyrus Carve first, he being the sole surviving relative of his cousin. That seemed to me to be the natural and proper course to adopt. Mr. Cyrus Carve gave me a very important piece of information, and it is solely on the strength of that information that I have invited you all to come here this afternoon. (He looks atCyrus.)
Cyrus. (Clearing his throat, toEbagandCarve.) Of course, you'll argue that after thirty-five years absence it's a wise man that can recognize his own cousin. I'm absolutely convinced in my own mind that you (scorn-fully toCarve) are not my cousin. But then, you'll tell me that men have been hung before now on the strength of sworn identification that proved afterwards to be mistaken. I admit it. I admit that in theory I may be[144]wrong. (With increased grim sarcasm.) I admit that in theory the original Mrs. Shawn may be wrong. Everything's possible, especially with a bully of a K.C. cross-examining you, and a judge turning you into 'copy' forPunch. But I've got something up my sleeve that will settle the whole affair instantly, to the absolute satisfaction of both plaintiff and defendant.
Carve. My dear fellow, why not have told us this exciting news earlier?
Cyrus. Why not? (Glowering atCarve.) Because I wanted you to commit yourself completely beyond any withdrawing. I decided what sort of man you were the moment I first set eyes on you, and when I heard of this law case, I said to myself that I'd come forward as a witness, but I shouldn't give any evidence away in advance. I said to myself I'd show you up once and for all in full court. However, his lordship prevailed on me.
Carve. Well?
Cyrus. When my cousin and I were boys I've seen him with his shirt off.
Carve. True. And he's seen you withyoursoff.
Cyrus. Now just here (pointing to left front neck below collar), just below his collar, my cousin Ilam Carve had two moles close together—one[145]was hairy and the other wasn't. My cousin was very proud of them.
Carve. Oh!
Cyrus. (Ferociously sarcastic.) I suppose you'll say you've had them removed?
Carve. (Casually.) No. Not precisely.
Cyrus. Can you show them?
Carve. (Very casually.) Of course.
Texel. (Slapping his knee.) Great! Great!
Cyrus. (Staggered but obstinate.) Well, let's have a look at them.
Alcar. (ToJanet.) Then doubtless you are familiar with this double phenomenon, Mrs. X?
Janet. Yes. But he isn't so proud of his moles now as he used to be when he was a boy.
Alcar. Now, gentlemen, you see how beautifully clear the situation is. By one simple act we shall arrive at a definite and final result, and we shall have avoided all the noise and scandal of a public trial. Mr. X, will you oblige us very much by taking your collar off?
Janet. (Jumping up.) Please, there's just one little thing. (ToCarve.) Wait a moment, dear. (ToEbag.) Mr. Ebag, how many of those pictures did you sell to Mr. Texel?
Ebag. Fifteen.
Janet. And you made a profit of over four hundred pounds on each?
Texel. (Boisterously—laughing toEbag.) You did?
Janet. Fifteen times four hundred—that makes—how much does it make?
Texel. Six thousand, madam. Thirty thousand dollars. Great!
Janet. (ToEbag.) Don't you think we deserve some of that, as it were?
Ebag. Madam, I shall be delighted to pay you five thousand four hundred pounds. That will be equivalent to charging you a nominal commission of ten per cent.
Janet. Thank you.
Carve. I won't touch a penny of their wretched money.
Janet. (Sweetly.) I wouldn't dream of asking you to, dearest.Ishall touch it. Goodness knows what street we shall be in after this affair—and with my brewery shares gone simply all to pieces! Now, dearest, you can take it off. (She resumes her seat.)
Carve. (Lightly.) I'm hanged if I do!
Alcar. But, my dear Mr. X!
Carve. (Lightly.) I'm dashed if I take my collar off.
Cyrus. (Triumphant.) Ha! I knew it.
Carve. Why should I offer my skin to the inspection of two individuals in whom I[147]haven't the slightest interest? They've quarrelled about me, but is that a reason why I should undress myself? Let me say again, I've no desire whatever to prove that I am Ilam Carve.
Alcar. But surely to oblige us immensely, Mr. X, you will consent to give just one extra performance of an operation which, in fact, you accomplish three hundred and sixty-five times every year without any disastrous results.
Carve. I don't look at it like that. Already my fellow-citizens, expressing their conviction that I was a great artist, have buried me in Westminster Abbey—notbecauseI was a great artist, but because I left a couple of hundred thousand pounds for a public object. And now my fellow-citizens, here assembled, want me to convince them that I am a great artist by taking my collar off. I won't do it. I simply will not do it. It's too English. If any person wishes to be convinced that I'm an artist and not a mountebank, let him look at my work (pointing vaguely to a picture), because that's all the proof that I mean to offer. If he is blind or shortsighted I regret it, but my neck isn't going to help him.
Texel. Brilliant! Then we shall have the trial after all.
Cyrus. Yes, but your brilliant friend will be on his way to South America before then.
Janet. (Sweetly toCyrus.) I assure you it's quite true about those moles. That's why he wears those collars.
Cyrus. (Grimly.) No doubt.... (Repeating.) Nevertheless he'll be on his way to South America.
Carve. (Gaily.) Or Timbuctoo.
Cyrus. (Significantly.) Unless you're stopped.
Carve. And who's going to stop me? All the laws of this country added together can't make me take my collar off if I don't want to.
Cyrus. What about arresting you for bigamy? What about Holloway? I fancy at Holloway they have a short method with people who won't take their collars off.
Carve. Well, that will only be another proof that the name of this island is England. It will be telegraphed to the Continent that in order to prove to herself that she possessed a great artist, England had to arrest him for bigamy and shove him into prison.... Characteristic! Characteristic!
Alcar. (Who has moved across toJanet.) Mrs. X, can you—
Janet. (Rising toCarve,winningly.) Now—Ilam. You're only laying up trouble for yourself, and for me too. Do please think of the trial. You know how shy you are, and how[149]you tremble at the mere thought of a witness-box.
Cyrus. I can believe it.
Carve. (Smiling atJanet.) I've got past shyness. I think it was the visit of my fine stalwart sons yesterday that cured me of shyness. I doubt if I shall ever be shy any more.
Janet. (Appealingly.) Dearest, to please me!
Carve. (Curt now for the first time, with a flash of resentment.) No.
Janet. (After a slight pause; hurt and startled; with absolute conviction, toLord Leonard Alcar.) It's no use. He's made up his mind.
Ebag. I have an idea that I can persuade—
Janet. (Hotly.) Excuse me. You can't.
Ebag. I have an idea I can. But (hesitates) the fact is, not in the presence of ladies.
Janet. Oh. If that's all—(walks away in a huff.)
Ebag. (ToJanet.) My deepest apologies.
(Lord Leonard AlcarshowsJanetout.)
(Lord Leonard AlcarshowsJanetout.)
Texel. Well, well! What now?
Ebag. (ToCarve.) You remember Lady Alice Rowfant?
Carve. (Taken aback.) That doesn't concern you.
Ebag. (Ignoring this answer.) Pardon me if I[150]speak plainly. You were once engaged to marry Lady Alice Rowfant. But a few days before your valet died you changed your mind and left her in the lurch in Spain. Lady Alice Rowfant is now in England. She has been served with a subpoena to give evidence at the trial. And if the trial comes on she will have to identify you and tell her story in court. (Pause.) Are you going to put her to this humiliation?
(Carvewalks about. Then he gives a gesture of surrender.)
(Carvewalks about. Then he gives a gesture of surrender.)
Carve. The artist is always beaten! (With an abrupt movement he pulls undone the bow of his necktie.)
(The stage is darkened to indicate the passage of a few minutes.)
(The stage is darkened to indicate the passage of a few minutes.)
(Carveis attempting to re-tie his necktie.Lord Leonard Alcaris coming away from door back.Janetenters from door, L.)
(Carveis attempting to re-tie his necktie.Lord Leonard Alcaris coming away from door back.Janetenters from door, L.)
Janet. (Under emotion, toCarve.) Then you've done it! (Carveignores her.)
Alcar. Yes, andIfeel like a dentist.
Janet. You've sent them all away.
Alcar. I thought you'd like me to. Mr. Ebag took charge of Mr. Texel. Your cousin Cyrus was extremely upset.
Janet. What did she say?
Alcar. Who say?
Janet. Lady Alice Rowfant, of course. Oh! You needn't pretend! As soon as Mr. Ebag asked me to go out I knew he'd got her up his sleeve. (Weeps slightly.)
Alcar. (Very sympathetically.) My dear young lady, what is the matter?
Janet. (Her utterance disturbed by sobs—indicatingCarve.) He'd do it for her, but he wouldn't do it for me!
Alcar. I assure you, Lady Alice Rowfant has not been here.
Janet. Honest?
Alcar. No. The mere mention of her name was sufficient.
Janet. That's even worse! (Rushing across toCarveand pettishly seizing his necktie.Carvesubmits.) Here! Let me do it—for goodness sake! Great clumsy! (Still tearful—toLord Leonard Alcaras she ties the necktie.) Somehow I don't mind crying in front of you, because you're so nice and fatherly.
Alcar. Well, if I'm so fatherly, may I venture on a little advice to you two? (ToCarve.) You said you didn't want to be Ilam Carve.[152]Don'tbe Ilam Carve. Let Ilam Carve continue his theoretical repose in the Abbey and you continue to be somebody else. It will save a vast amount of trouble, and nobody will be a penny the worse. Leave England—unobtrusively. If you feel homesick, arrange to come back during a general election, and you will be absolutely unnoticed. You have money. If you need more, I can dispose of as many new pictures as you like to send.
Janet. I don't want him to paint any more pictures.
Alcar. But he will.
Janet. I suppose he will. Why is it? As if we hadn't had enough bother already through this art business!
Alcar. Yes. But artists are like that, you know.
Janet. (Affectionately reproachful toCarve.) Child! Look how nicely I've tied it for you. (Shakes him.) Whatever are you dreaming about?
Carve. (After glancing in mirror reflectively.) There's only one question. Last time they buried me in the Abbey,—what will they do with me next time?
CURTAIN.
NOVELSA MAN FROM THE NORTHANNA OF THE FIVE TOWNSLEONORAA GREAT MANSACRED AND PROFANE LOVEWHOM GOD HATH JOINEDBURIED ALIVETHE OLD WIVES' TALETHE GLIMPSEHELEN WITH THE HIGH HANDCLAYHANGERTHE CARDHILDA LESSWAYSFANTASIASTHE GRAND BABYLON HOTELTHE GATES OF WRATHTERESA OF WATLING STREETTHE LOOT OF CITIESHUGOTHE GHOSTTHE CITY OF PLEASURESHORT STORIESTALES OF THE FIVE TOWNSTHE GRIM SMILE OF THE FIVE TOWNSTHE MATADOR OF THE FIVE TOWNSBELLES-LETTRESJOURNALISM FOR WOMENFAME AND FICTIONHOW TO BECOME AN AUTHORTHE TRUTH ABOUT AN AUTHORTHE REASONABLE LIFEHOW TO LIVE ON TWENTY-FOUR HOURS A DAYTHE HUMAN MACHINELITERARY TASTETHE FEAST OF ST. FRIENDTHOSE UNITED STATESDRAMAPOLITE FARCESCUPID AND COMMON SENSEWHAT THE PUBLIC WANTSTHE HONEYMOONMILESTONES (In collaboration withEdwardKNOBLAUCH)(In collaboration with EDEN PHILLPOTTS)THE SINEWS OF WAR: A ROMANCETHE STATUE: A ROMANCE