OF MY PRETTY MAID, AND THOSE DREADFUL SOLDIERS WHO WOULD COME TURNING HER HEAD, AND PREVENTING THE POOR THING DOING HER WORK.
OF MY PRETTY MAID, AND THOSE DREADFUL SOLDIERS WHO WOULD COME TURNING HER HEAD, AND PREVENTING THE POOR THING DOING HER WORK.
“Heigho! heigho! I’m afraid,Too many lovers will puzzle a maid.”“Young Susan had lovers so many, that she,” &c.
“Heigho! heigho! I’m afraid,Too many lovers will puzzle a maid.”“Young Susan had lovers so many, that she,” &c.
“Heigho! heigho! I’m afraid,Too many lovers will puzzle a maid.”“Young Susan had lovers so many, that she,” &c.
Theservant who came in after Norah was a young woman whose godfathers and godmothers (stupid people) had christened Rosetta, as if she had been a Duchess. As of course I wasn’t going to have any of my menials answering to a stuck-up name like that, I gave her to understand that I should allow no such things inmyhouse, indeed, but would take the liberty of altering pretty Rosetta into plainSusan. She was a nice, clean-looking girl, and was—what, I dare say, some persons would call—pretty, for her features were very regular; still it was not my style of beauty. And though her complexion certainly was clear and rosy, still there was too healthy and countrified a look about it to please me; for to be perfectly beautiful, it wanted the interesting air that indisposition always gives the face; for it is universally allowed by all well-bred people that a woman never looks so well as when she appears to be suffering from bad health. She had a pair of very fine blue eyes of her own; but I must confess I never was partial to eyes of that colour, for they always seem to me to want the expression of hazel ones. (Dear Edward says mine are hazel.) To do the girl justice, her mouth was the best feature she had in her face, and yet there was something about it—I can’t exactly tell what—that wasn’t altogether to my liking. Her figure, too, certainly did look very good for a person inherstation of life; but all my fair readers must be as well aware as I am that things have lately come tosucha pretty pass, and an excellenttournurecan be had forsolittle money, that even one’s maid-servants can walk into any corset-makers and buy a figure, fit for a lady of the highest respectability, for a mere trifle; and such being the case, of course there is so much imposition about a female’s appearance now-a-days, that really it is impossible to tell what is natural and what is not. When the conceited bit of goods came after the situation, she lookedsoclean, tidy, and respectable, and had onsucha nice plain cotton gown, of only one colour—being a nice white spot on a dark green ground,—andsucha good, strong, serviceable half-a-crown Dunstable straw bonnet, trimmed very plainly; andsucha nice clean quilled net-cap under it; andsucha tidy plain white muslin collar over one of the quietest black-and-white plaid shawls I think I ever saw in all my life, that I felt quite charmed at seeing her dressedsothoroughly like what a respectable servant ought to be; and I’m sure I was never so surprised, in all my born days, as when her late mistress (who gave her an excellent character) told me the reason why they parted with Susan was, that she was inclined to be dressy; so that, after what I had seen of the poor girl, I said to myself—Dressy, indeed!—well, if they call her dressy, I should just like to know what dressy is! and engaged her, accordingly.
The first Sunday after she had come into the house, however, I found that her late mistress wasn’t so far out in the character she had given the minx; for lo and behold! my neat, unpretending chrysalis had changed into a flaunting fal-lal butterfly. For after she had gone up stairs to clean herself that afternoon, if my lady didn’t come down dressed out as fine as a sweep on a May-day. Bless us and save us! if the stuck-up thing hadn’t got on a fly-a-way starched-out imitation Balzorine gown, of a bright ultramarine, picked out with white flowers—with a double skirt, too, made like a tunic, and lookingsogrand, (though one could easily see that it could not possibly have cost more than six-and-six—if that, indeed,) and drat her impudence! if she hadn’t on each side of her head got a bunch of long ringlets, like untwisted bell-ropes, hanging half way down to her waist, and a blonde-lace cap, with cherry-coloured rosettes, and streamers flying about nearly a yard long; while on looking at her feet, if the conceited bit of goods hadn’t got on patent leather shoes, with broad sandals, and open-worked cotton stockings, as I’m a living woman—and net mittens on her hands too, as true as my name’s Sk—n—st—n. I had her in the parlour pretty soon, for I wanted to ask her who the dickens she took me for. Of course, she was very much surprised that I should object to all her trumpery finery and fiddlefaddle; and she knew as well as I did that the terms I made when I engaged her were—ten pounds a year, find her own tea and sugar, and no followers, nor ringlets, nor sandals, allowed; and that if, in the hurry of the moment, I had omitted to mention the ringlets and sandals, it was an oversight on my part, for which I was very sorry; so I told her that I would thank her to go up stairs again, and take that finery off her back as quickly as she could, and never, as long as she remained under my roof, to think of appearing before me in such a disgraceful state again. When she went out that afternoon to church, the girl had made herself look something decent, and was no longer dressed out as showily as if she was the mistress instead of the maid.
Indeed, this love of dress seemed to be quite a mania withthe girl; for I am sure the stupid thing must have gone spending every penny of her wages upon her back. And do what I would, I couldn’t prevent the conceited peacock from poking her nasty, greasy bottles of rose hair-oil and filthy combs and brushes all among the plates and dishes over the dresser. And I declare, upon looking in the drawer of the kitchen table one morning, while she was making the beds up stairs, if I didn’t stumble upon a trumpery sixpenny copy of “The Hand-Book of the Toilet,” which soon told me that the dirty messes I had been continually finding in all the saucepans, were either some pomatum, or cream, or wash, which she had been making for her face or hands. And a day or two afterwards, while I was down stairs seeing about the dinner, if the precious beauty hadn’t the impudence to tell me that she wished to goodness that her “hibrows met like mine did, for it was considered very handsome by the hancients;” and in a few minutes afterwards, the dirty puss informed me that the Hand-Book of the Tilet said that you ought to clean your teeth every morning, and that she had lately tried it, and had no hidea that it was so hagreable; and then, with the greatest coolness imaginable, if she didn’t advisemeto rub my gums with salt hevery night before I went to bed; for that the lady of rank and fashion who, she said, was the talented hauthoress of the little work, declared that it made your gums look uncommon lovely and red. On which I told her that I was disgusted to find her head filled with such a heap of rubbish as it was.
But really the stupid girl’s vanity carried her to such lengths, that she was silly enough to allow any man to go falling in love with her who liked, although I must say that I don’t think there was any harm in the minx. Still it was by no means pleasant to have a pack of single knocks continually coming and turning the poor thing’s head on your door-step—so that it was really one person’s time to be popping out of the parlour and telling the girl to come in directly, and not stand chatting there with the door in her hand. But when she found that my vigilance had put an end to her courtships on my door-step, she soon discovered another means of corresponding with her admirers in the neighbourhood. For one morning, when I went into the back bed-room to put outsome clean pillow-cases, and I happened to go to the window for a moment, I was never so astonished in the whole course of my existence as when I saw that impudent monkey of a footman belonging to the S—mm—ns’s (whose house is just at the bottom of our garden) holding up a tea-tray, on the back of which was written, in large chalk letters, “Hangel, Can I Cum To Tee;” and I immediately saw what the fellow meant by his tricks; so I crept down stairs as gently as I could, and in the back parlour I found, just as I had expected, my precious beauty of a Susan perched on a chair, and holding up my best japanned tea-tray—that cost me I don’t know what all—and on the back she had written with the same elegant writing materials—“Hadoored One! You Carnt Cum—Alas! Missus Will Be Hin.” So I scolded her well for carrying on those games, and daring to chalk her nasty love-letters on my tea-trays, telling her that hers were pretty goings on and fine doings indeed.
And really if it hadn’t been for Edward’s aversion to changing, I do believe I should have packed her out of the house—as indeed I wish I had—then and there; for the way in which she went on towards me really was enough to make a saint swear, (though I’m happy to say I did not.) For, in the first place, the reader should know that I’m more particular about my caps than any other article of dress. Indeed, I do think, that of all things, a pretty cap is the most becoming thing a married woman can wear; and if I can only get themdistingué, (as we say,) I don’t mind what expense I go to, especially as it is so easily made up out of the housekeeping by giving my husband a few tarts less every week, and managing the house as prudently and for as little money as I possibly can. But I declare, no sooner did I get a new cap to my head, and one that I flattered myself was quite out of the common, than as sure as the next Sunday came round, that impudent stuck-up bit of goods of a Miss Susan would make a point of appearing in one of the very same shape and trimming—only, of course, made of an inferior and cheaper material; and though I kept continually changing mine, as often as the housekeeping would admit of my doing so, still it was of no use at all; for the girl was so quick with her needle and thread, that she could unpick hers and makeit up again like mine for a few pence; and the consequence was, that any party who had seen either of us only once or twice, would be safe to mistake one for the other—which I suppose was her ambition—drat her. This got me nicely insulted, indeed! for one day, after having had a very nice luncheon of two poached eggs and a basin of some delicious mutton broth, together with a glass of Guinness’s bottled stout, I got up and went to look at the window; and I was standing there with my head just over the blinds, when the policeman came sauntering by, and seeing me—I declare if the barefaced monkey didn’t turn his head round and wink at me! I never was so horrified in all my life; for of course I couldn’t tell what on earth the man could mean by behaving in such a low, familiar way towardsme; and as I remained rivetted with astonishment to the spot, I saw him stop after he had gone a few paces past the house, and—I never knew such impudence in all my born days!—begin kissing his hand as if he wanted to make love to me. So I shook my fist at him pretty quickly; but the jack-a-napes only grinned; and putting an inquiring look on his face, pointed down to our kitchen window, and made signs with his hands as if he were cutting up something and putting it into his mouth, and eating it. So I very soon saw that my fine gentleman was mistaking me for that stupid, soft, fly-a-way minx of mine down stairs, and only wanted to come paying his pie-crust addresses to Miss Susan andmyprovisions. So I determined to let him know who I was, indeed; and went to the street-door to show myself, and just take his number, and have the fellow well punished for his impertinent goings on: but no sooner did the big-whiskered puppy see me, than he went off in a hurry, like a rocket, as fast as his legs could carry him. When I had up Miss Susan, and questioned her as to whether she had ever given the man any encouragement, she told me a nice lot of taradiddles, I could see by her manner, which put me in such a passion, that I declared if ever I caught her making up her caps like mine again, I’d throw them right behind the kitchen fire—that I would.
Though, really, when I came to reflect, in my calm moments, upon the girl’s conduct, there was every excuse to be
“Followers!!!”“Followers!!!”
made for the poor ignorant thing; for being cursed, as the philosopher says, with—what some people would have called—a pretty face, and having been only a year or so up from the country, it was but natural that the silly creature should have been tickled by the flattery of the pack of fellows who, to my great horror, were continually running after her; for what with the young men in the neighbourhood, and what with those dreadful barracks in Albany Street, I declare if our house wasn’t completely besieged with the girl’s lovers. I do verily believe, so long as that good-looking puss remained with us, that from morning till night we had one of the soldiers walking up and down in front of our door, just like a sentinel—for, upon my word, as fast as one went away, another used to come, for all the world as if they were relieving guard in St. James’s Park; and really and truly, the whole of my valuable time was taken up either in answering single knocks, and telling them for about the hundredth time Mr. Smith did not live there, or else in pulling up the windows, and ordering the vagabonds to go along with them, and mind their own business.
And here let me pause for a minute to remark upon the shameful nuisance that those barracks in Albany Street are to all persons living in that otherwise quiet and pretty neighbourhood—for I’m sure there’s not a person whose house is within half-a-mile of the dreadful place that isn’t wherrited out of their lives by them. Upon my word, the Life Guardsmen there are so frightfully handsome, that they ought not to be allowed by Government to wander at large in those fascinating red jackets, and with those large jet-black mustachios of theirs, sticking out on each side of their face, just like two sticks of Spanish liquorice—nor be permitted to go about as they do, breaking, or at least cracking, the hearts of all the poor servant-girls in the neighbourhood, as if they were so much crockery. And what on earth the hearts of the good-looking wretches themselves can be made of is more than I can say; for either they must be as impenetrable to Cupid’s arrows as bags of sand, or I’m sure else they must be as full of holes as a rushlight-shade. I don’t know what the regiment may cost the nation every year, (but of course it’s no trifling sum, and what they do for it except make love to themaids, I can’t see)—but this I do know for a positive fact, that the expense the Life Guardsmen are to the respectable inhabitants of Albany Street and its neighbourhood is actually frightful; for they seem to be of opinion that love cannot live on air, and consequently always begin by paying their addresses to the cooks, and if the larder be good, I will do them the justice to say, that their constancy is wonderful; and really the sum they cost poor Albany Street and its surrounding districts in the matter of cold meat alone is really so dreadful, that I really do think if a petition were got up, and the case properly represented to Government, the Paymaster of the Forces could not refuse to make them a large allowance every year for the excellent rations served out to the soldiers every day by the maids. Really the amiable fellows’ appetites seem to be as large as their hearts—andtheyare as big as the Waterloo omnibuses, Heaven knows, and will carry fourteen inside with perfect ease and comfort any day. Talk about locusts in the land—I’d back a regiment of Life Guardsmen for eating a respectable district out of house and home in half the time, for positively the fine-looking vagabonds seem to have nothing else to do but to walk about Albany Street, looking down every area like so many dealers in hare and rabbit skins, crying out—“Any affection or cold meat this morning, cook?” I don’t know if any of my courteous readers have ever been in Albany Street when the bugle is sounded for the fellows to return to their barracks, but upon my word the scene is really heartbreaking to housekeepers, for there isn’t an area down the whole street but from which you will see a Life Guardsman, with his mouth full, ascending the steps, and hurrying off to his quarters for the night. Anybody will agree with me that one Don Giovanni is quite enough to turn the fair heads of a whole parish; but upon my word, when a whole regiment of them are suddenly let loose upon one particular locality, the havoc among the hearts is positively frightful; and there isn’t a man in the Life Guards, I know, (unless he’s afflicted with red mustachios,) that isn’t a regular six-foot two Lothario. Besides, Mrs. Lockley, the wife of one of Edward’s best clients, assures me that there was one fascinating monster of a Life Guardsman who, the day after his regiment wasquartered in Albany Street Barracks, began bestowing his affection on the cook at the bottom of the street, near Trinity Church, and loved all up the right-hand side of the way, and then commenced loving down the left; and she says, she verily believes the amiable villain would have got right to the bottom of the street again, had he not been stopped by the Colosseum—so that the wretch was actually obliged to remain constant to the cook who lived at the house next to it for upwards of a month, at an expense of at least a guinea a-week to the master, and half-a-crown to the cook, for tobacco, for the gallant servant-killer.
But to return to that poor simpleton, Susan. One day, Mr. Sk—n—st—n having been obliged to go down to those bothering Kingston Assizes, upon professional business, I was, of course, left all alone, with Susan in the house; and really, from the loneliness of the neighbourhood, and the savage looks of those dreadful soldiers, whom I could not keep away from the place, it had such a dreadful effect upon my nerves, that I got quite stupid and frightened, and kept fancying I heard people trying to open our street door with false keys, and others attempting to break in at the back. So I made up my mind, when it was just close upon eight o’clock, that I wouldn’t sit there trembling any longer, and told that girl Susan to eat her supper directly, but on no account to touch the remains of that delicious beefsteak-pie, as I’d set my heart upon having it cold for dinner to-morrow,—for really, I do think it is as nice a dish as one can eat,—and lock up the doors, and get ready to go to bed. And when she had done so, I went down, and having satisfied myself that the house was all safe, saw little Miss Mischief of a Susan up stairs before me; and as I thought there was something odd about her conduct, I saw her into bed, and took the key of her room, and locked her in.
I don’t think I could have been in bed myself above half-an-hour, when just as I was dozing off into a nice, comfortable sleep, I was roused by our area bell going cling-a-ling-ling so gently, that I at once knew something was in the wind somewhere. In about five minutes, there was another pull, louder than the first, and in about three minutes after that, another. So I jumped out of bed, and slipping on my wrapper,threw up the window, when lo and behold! there was one of those plaguy Life Guardsmen waiting to be let in at our area gate. “Who’s there?” I cried, pretty loudly.
“It’s only me, my charmer!” he answered, in a loud whisper.
“Who are you, and what do you want here at this time of night?” I demanded.
“Come, that’s a good ’un, after asking me to supper with you,” he replied. “Come down, I tell you. It’s only Ned Twist, of the Guards.—How about that cold beefsteak-pie, my heart’s idol?”
“Go along about your business,” I said, in a loud voice. “You ought to be ashamed of yourself—you ought.”
“Come, none of your jokes,” he replied; “I am so plaguy hungry. I’m good for the whole of that pie of your missus’s; so come down, and let us in, there’s a beauty.”
“Go along with you, do!” I said, in a very loud voice, “or I’ll call the police.”
“Hush-sh-sh!” he said, in a whisper, “or you’ll be letting that old she-dragon of a missus of yours hear you, and then it will be all up with my beefsteak-pie, angel! And that will never do, for I’ve just refused a splendid offer of tripe and onions from a lovely cook in Osnaburgh-street. So, once for all, do you mean to come down or not?—or I shall have that angel’s tripe all cold before I get back to her.”
“Go along with you!” I cried out, unable to contain myself any longer, now I had heard all he had got to say—“go along with you—I’m that she-dragon of a mistress, and if you are not off, I’ll give you in custody——”
But the words were scarcely out of my mouth, before Mr. Ned Twist ran away as fast as his legs would carry him; and as he turned the corner, I caught a glimpse of the handsome fellow’s face by the gaslight, and knew that he was one of the very men who were always coming and asking if Mr. Smith lived there.
In the morning, when I inquired of Miss Susan whether she was acquainted with one Ned Twist, in the Life Guards, of course she knew nothing about the gentleman; and, unfortunately, I had forgotten to wheedle out of the man the name of the party he really had come to see, so that I could not fix her with anything positive.
George Cruikshank “It’s my Cousin M’am!”George Cruikshank “It’s my Cousin M’am!”
But I determined to clear up all doubts about the matter, and so I set a trap, into which my lady fell, and I caught her as nicely as ever she was caught in the whole course of her life. I told her that I was going round to dear mother’s, to tea, (though of course I never intended to be silly enough to do anything of the kind;) and accordingly I left the house, and went to make a few little odd purchases in the neighbourhood, and then returned in about an hour’s time, saying that, unfortunately, mother was from home, (though, for the matter of that, I didn’t know whether she was or not.) It was very easy to see that my lady was quite flustered at my coming back so unexpectedly. Of course I went straight into the parlour, and told her to bring me up the tea-things, and then I shouldn’t want her any more; for I wasn’t going to be such a simpleton as to go down then, as I felt convinced that directly she heard my knock at the door she had stowed away her gallant son of Mars in the coal-cellar. Just as I had expected, the tea things came up in about half-an-hour. When she brought them, I pretended to be fast asleep on the sofa, and about five minutes after she had put them on the table, I crept down stairs so softly that I declare I could scarcely hear my own footstep; and on opening the door suddenly, as if I wanted to go to the wine-cellar, lo, and behold! there my Life Guardsman was, true enough, and as far as I could judge, Mr. Ned Twist himself—and though all the things had been cleared away, still from the gravy and bits of pie-crust that were hanging to the fellow’s mustachios, I could see that my gentleman had been atmybeef-steak pie with a vengeance. Miss Susan, however, was far from losing her presence of mind, and was even with me in a minute; for she rose from her chair, and introduced me to Mr. Ned Twist, saying, “My cousin, Mam,” while her cousin (pretty cousin, indeed!) jumped to the other side of the room, and drawing himself as straight up as a six-foot rule, put his hand sideways to his forehead, as a mark of respect to the mistress of hisrelation, (Augh, I can’t bear such deceit!) As he was a great tall man, and I was a poor lone woman, with my husband in the country, I thought it best to be civil to the good-looking monster, (though I could have given it him well, I could!) so I begged of him not to disturb himself, but to sit down quietly, and make himself quite at home with hiscousin. Then I went upstairs, and putting on my bonnet and shawl, slipped out of the house as quick as I could—though, bother take it, I couldn’t get the street-door to close after me without making a noise. Then I went up to the first policeman I met with, and told him he must come with me that instant, as I wanted to give a man in charge for robbing me of my beef-steak pie. But on going back, the bird had flown; so I had to offer the policeman my thanks and a glass of table-beer,—which, however, the good man would not accept, saying that they were forbidden to drink while on duty. I was so surprised at finding such virtue in the police force—especially when I recollected how I had been treated by that big-whiskered monkey—who had winked at me, that I took a good look at this noble man, and at once knew from the quantity of hair about the jackanapes’ face that he was the identical fellow who had not only kissed his hand to me, but had also wanted himself to partake of whatever there might be in my larder. So I sent him off with a flea in his ear; and then turning round sharp upon Miss Susan, I told her that she would go that day month, as sure as her name was Susan, and that I hoped and trusted she would let this be a warning to her—for I knew very well that I could easily pretend to make it up with her again, and so keep her on a month or six weeks after my confinement.
The next day I received a very proper letter from Edward, informing me he was afraid that business would detain him at Kingston for another week, and a very unladylike and rude letter from Mrs. Yapp, the mother of Edward’s poor dear deceased first wife, telling my husband she would be in town to-morrow, and that she purposed making her dear boy’s house her home so long as she remained in London.
Oh, gracious goodness! I said to myself, what will my poor husband do under this awful visitation? for if one mother-in-law is more than he can bear, what on earth will he do when he finds himself afflicted with two?—and the worst of it all was, that I saw that during my confinement—but, alas! I must reserve this for another chapter.
WHICH TREATS OF MRS. YAPP, MRS. B—FF—N, MRS. TOOSYPEGS, LITTLE MISS SK—N—ST—N, AND FLY-AWAY MISS SUSAN.
WHICH TREATS OF MRS. YAPP, MRS. B—FF—N, MRS. TOOSYPEGS, LITTLE MISS SK—N—ST—N, AND FLY-AWAY MISS SUSAN.
“It was one winter’s day, about six in the morn,When my little innocent creature was born;There were doctor, and nurse, and a great many more,But none of them saw such a baby before.”Popular Song.
“It was one winter’s day, about six in the morn,When my little innocent creature was born;There were doctor, and nurse, and a great many more,But none of them saw such a baby before.”Popular Song.
“It was one winter’s day, about six in the morn,When my little innocent creature was born;There were doctor, and nurse, and a great many more,But none of them saw such a baby before.”Popular Song.
Mrs. Yapp’sthreatened visit took such a hold of me, that I felt myself quite driven up in a corner; and the worst of it was, I saw no way of getting out of it with any decency. Though I couldn’t for the life of me understand what claim she had upon my husband’s hospitality, now that it had pleased Providence in its bountiful mercy to take his first wife from him—and looking at it as I did, it did seem to me to be very like her impudence indeed in calling my husband her “dear boy,” since her daughter had been dead and gone a good two years at least. Besides, of course,Iwas a mere nobody—Iwas—and not worth even so much as the mentioning in her letter, for her coming couldn’t putmeout in the least—oh no! And what would my lady care if it did, for it was very clearIwas nothing to her—notI, indeed! and as to whether it was convenientfor meto receive her or not, that was the last thing thought of; for if she turned us all topsy-turvy, and left us without so much as a leg to stand upon, what would it matter to her so long asshewas all right and comfortable, and could get her bed and board for nothing—for that was at the bottom of it, I could see—a mean old thing! Making her dear boy’s house her home too!—herhome, indeed!—her hotel, more likely; and she has got four hundred a-year long annuities. Sooner thanI’d be guilty of such meanness, I declare, upon my word and honour, I’d take the first broom I could get, and sweep the very first crossing I came to.
Still, under the circumstances, it was very clear that it would never do to slam the door in her face, when she came to us, though, I declare, I felt as if nothing would have given megreater pleasure than to have done so; for really I don’t know anything more uncomfortable than to be obliged to go bowing and scraping, and saying a lot of civil things to a creature, when all the time you’re wishing to yourself that she was safe at the bottom of the sea—as every lady with her proper feelings about her knows she has been obliged to do scores and scores of times. Of course, Mrs. Yapp would be professing all kinds of love for her “dear boy,” and be continually crying up to the skies his beloved first wife, and she would naturally expect me to go sympathizing with the poor dear, when really and truly I didn’t care two pins about the thing. And it is so unpleasant to a right-minded female like myself, to be forced to take out one’s handkerchief, and play the crocodile about a bit of goods that one had never been a penny the better for. Of course, too, she would pretend to be so delighted to make my acquaintance, and unable to make enough of me to my face, though, directly my back was turned, she would go picking me to pieces like anything. Augh! I do detest deceit.
However, thank goodness, the next day’s post brought a letter directed to Edward, which being in a woman’s handwriting, I naturally opened, and found to my delight that Mrs. Yapp regretted to say that she couldn’t be with “her pet” until that day week; so that, as Edward was coming home on the Thursday, he could receive the old thing himself, and take that load off my hands at any rate.
Well, on the Thursday home came Edward. Directly I heard his knock, I snatched up a duster and began rubbing down the hall chairs, so that he might not find a speck of dust in the house on his return; and I was quite glad to see that my exertions were not thrown away upon him, for he told me, that it was very wrong of me in my state to go fatiguing myself in that way, and that he wished I would make the servant do it. On which I said that if he expected Susan to take any pride about the look of the furniture he was mightily mistaken, and he would find himself eaten up alive in less than no time, if I wasn’t continually slaving myself to death for him as I was.
Edward was in quite a good humour, for he had won his cause like a clever lawyer, as he certainly is, though, as he said, all the facts, and the law, and justice of the case, weredead against him. So, when I broke to him the impending calamity of Mrs. Yapp’s visit, he took it much better than I had expected, for he laughed, and said he should like to see how old Mother Yapp and Mrs. B—ff—n would get on with one another; for he expected they would come together like two highly-charged thunder-clouds, and go off with a tremendous explosion, which would have the effect of clearing the air of his house, so that he would be left in a perfect heaven. And then the jocular monster tittered, and said that if he had been doomed to have only one mother-in-law, it was clear that he must have ended his days in a madhouse, but that as Providence had blessed him with two, he was as happy as a man who had married an orphan; for as mothers-in-law were the invariable negatives of domestic happiness, it was clear that two of them must make his home an affirmative paradise; adding that one was the poison and the other the antidote, so that, thank Heaven, now, if at any time he was suffering from an over-dose of mother-in-law B—ff—n, he had only to make up his mind to swallow a little of mother-in-law Yapp, and he would be all right again in no time; for the bitter alkali of the one would correct the acidity of the other, and drive off the dreadful effects of both in a twinkling. Then he went on giggling and railing at mothers-in-law in general, and at my dear mother, and the mother of his first wife, in particular, till I lost all patience with him; for he declared that a whole avalanche of treatises had been written on the origin of evil, and a mountain of rubbish shot into the British Museum about the cause of sorrow in this world; but it was very plain, and he had no doubt about it himself, that misery first came in with mothers-in-law, who he considered, to have been sent on earth to try the resignation of Man, and to prevent the over-population of the world, by setting them up as warnings to persons about to marry—in the same way as the horrors of dyspepsia and gout were designed, simply as a means of keeping persons from the excesses of the table. It was all very well to talk about Job’s extraordinary patience, but what he wanted to know was, had Job ever been scourged with a mother-in-law, because if not, it was very clear that his powers of endurance had not been taxed to the full. And he had the wickedness to say, that it was all a pack of rubbishand a cruel imposition for the law to declare that a man couldn’t marry his grandmother—or his mother—or his wife’s mother—or his wife’s sister—for the plain truth was, that when a man married a woman, he married her whole family. But I couldn’t put up with him any longer, when he protested, that if he had his way, he would have an act passed for the total abolition of all mothers-in-law, and insert a clause, that whenever a couple were joined together in holy matrimony, immediately after the wedding breakfast, the mother of the bride should offer herself up as a willing sacrifice, to perfect the happiness of the bridegroom, in the same way as the Hindoo widows immolated themselves out of regard to the husband. On which I very properly told him that he ought to be ashamed of himself to talk in that way of those poor benighted savages, and I begged that he would hold his tongue if he couldn’t find anything better to talk about, saying that his trip out of town seemed to have turned his head; and asking him how he himself would like what he had proposed, if, supposing I was to be blessed with a daughter, and had to be put out of the way when she got married, all for the sake of completing the happiness, as he called it, of some big-whiskered fellow, that I didn’t care twopence about. But it was useless speaking to him, for he only said that he should be delighted to see me setting so good an example.
As I saw that my gentleman was in one of his nasty, teasing, facetious moods, I thought it best to turn the conversation, which I very cleverly did by asking him what kind of a woman Mrs. Yapp was, when he burst out laughing again, assuring me that she was a very nice woman, only she was too fond of her medicine-bottle, and was dreadfully addicted to doctor’s stuff; for she took pills as if they were green peas, and seemed to have as strong a penchant for powders as other people had for snuff. And he considerably alarmed me by saying that the worst of it was, she had a strange conviction that all her friends stood as much in need of medicine as she did, as she was never happy unless she could prevail upon some one to try some of her filthy potions or lotions, and which she always would have it were just the things one wanted; and really she herself had swallowed so much rhubarb, and senna, and camomile,in her time, that she had a complexion for all the world like a Margate slipper, although she would tell you, that if it wasn’t for what she had taken, she would never have had a bit of colour in her cheeks. When she came up to town last time, she wouldn’t let Edward drink a drop of tea; for she would insist that the green was made up of verdigris, and that the black was all coloured with lead, and that the only way to ensure a long life was to take two or three cups of good strong nettle or dandelion for breakfast every morning, and which, she said, she highly recommended for family use. He cautioned me, however, above all things, never to allow her to persuade me to try any of her nostrums, for that he verily believed she had physicked her daughter into an early grave, and that if I allowed her to go playing any pranks with the very fine constitution I have of my own, I should find that her powder and pills would bring me down as safe as powder and shot. So I told him that he wouldn’t catch me taking any of her nasty messes, and I hoped and trusted that he would get her out of the house as soon as ever he possibly could.
At length, the day arrived for my lady’s coming, and Edward would have me get a nice little dinner ready for her. So I warmed up some of the pea-soup we had left the day before, and which was as nice as any I had ever tasted; and then I thought a sweet, tender, juicy steak, well stewed, with a good thick gravy, would be as delicious a thing as she could well sit down to—indeed, I’m very partial to it myself—and with three or four pork chops, well browned, with the kidney in them, just to put at the end of the table, and a sweet little plum-pudding, with brandy sauce, to face me, and a few custards opposite Edward, and after that, just a mouthful of macaroni, with a little cheese grated over it, and a stick or two of celery to follow—I fancied it would be a very nice dinner for her, and one that I felt I could enjoy myself.
Bother take it! Edward would make me go dancing all the way down to the Regent’s Circus, just to meet Mrs. Yapp when she came by the coach, though, as I said at the time, it would seem as if we were too glad to see her. However, as my husband, I regret to say, never will listen to reason, I had to put on my bonnet, and go to the expense of a cab, just to please his foolish whim; and after that, to stand in thecoach-office like a ninny, waiting for the stage to come in. When it did, I went up to a middle-aged lady, who looked as bilious as a bar of yellow soap, and asked her, with a pleasing smile, “whether her name happened to be Yapp?” But she looked at me very suspiciously, and said, “It was no such thing.” And then I tried everybody else, but no Mrs. Yapp could I find; so, after all, drat it, I had to jump into the cab again, and get home as fast as I could: and there was three and sixpence for cab hire literally and truly thrown away in the dirt, (which wasn’t coming out of the housekeeping, I could tell Mr. Sk—n—st—n,) besides a dinner good enough for an emperor positively wasted; for Mr. Edward must needs be so clever, that he would have I had made some mistake, and insisted upon the dinner being thrown back for an hour and a half at least; though I declare I was so hungry after my ride, and the very smell of it was so tantalizing, that I was ready to eat the ends of my fingers off. When it did come up, of course it was all as dry as a chip, without so much as a drop of gravy: and if there is one thing, to me, worse than another, it is a rump-steak stewed till it is quite dry. There was the macaroni, too, which I had set my heart upon, all spoilt, so that it was, for all the world, like eating bits of wax taper. And I told Edward, pretty plainly, that I wouldn’t give a thank you for my dinner at that time of night, but would sooner have a mouthful of something with my tea; for I do think that when a body is worn out with the fatigues of the day, and one has gone past one’s regular hour for one’s meals,—I do think, I say, that a nice strong cup of warm tea, with a pinch or two of green in it, is better than all the dinners in the world put together in a heap; for it does revive one so, if one can only get it good, (which I find a great difficulty now-a-days, though I pay six shillings a pound for every spoonful that I use;) besides, I declare I’d sooner go without my dinner than my tea, any day; and I am sure all my fair readers must be of the same way of thinking as myself.
But let me see,—where was I? Oh, I remember: I had left off at our dinner. Well! as I was saying, our miserable, dried-up repast, could scarcely have gone down stairs, and Susan was just sweeping the crumbs off the tablecloth, when I heard a hackney coach draw up at our door, and, lo andbehold! who should it contain but that bothering Mrs. Yapp, who had come with three hair trunks, a portmanteau, two bonnet-boxes, one band ditto, and a bundle, as if she was going to stop a whole twelvemonth with us.
When she came in, I declare upon my word and honour, if she was’nt the very woman, with a complexion like fullers-earth, that I had asked at the coach-office, whether her name was Yapp. And on reminding her of it, she said, she was very sorry for the mistake, but really and truly she had heard so much about the tricks of London people, that she could’nt be expected to go telling her name to the first stranger she met with. So she had thought that the safest plan, to prevent being imposed upon, was to jump with her boxes into a hackney coach, and tell the man to drive her to our house. The fellow, however, had been three hours at least galloping about with her, and had taken her over to Stockwell Park, and Highbury Park, and every other park he could think of, in search of Park Village. For of course the man saw that she was fresh from the country, and had determined to make the most of her; so she had to pay upwards of half a sovereign for her nasty suspicions of me, (your bilious people are always so suspicious,) and which I was heartily glad of.
Of course she was so happy to see her dear boy, “whose house she was going to make her home;” and declared she was delighted to makemyacquaintance. Edward very imprudently would go inquiring after her health, when immediately off my lady went, and kept us for full half an hour, giving us a whole catalogue of all her illnesses and cures, and telling us how she had discovered a new pill which had really worked miracles with her. As I kept saying, “Indeed,” and “Bless me,” and “You don’t say so,” and appearing very interested—though all the time I could have wished her further—she had the impudence to tell me that, as a treat, she would let me have a couple to try on the morrow, for she could plainly see my liver was out of order—though, as I said to myself at the time, I should like to know what my liver was to her indeed. However, I slipped out of the room to look after Susan and the tray, and made her warm up one of the pork chops, and bring it up with the tea. But no sooner did my lady see it, than she said it would be death to her ifshe touched it, and before she let me make the tea, she would go and undo one of her boxes in the hall, just to get out a loaf of digestive bread, and a bottle of filthy soda; and if she didn’t force me to put half a teaspoonful at least into the pot, telling me that it would correct all the acidity, and make the tea go twice as far—which I can easily understand, as I’m sure neither Edward nor myself could touch it; for I declare it was more like soap-suds than full-flavoured wiry Pekoe. The worst of it was, too, I was obliged to say it “was very nice, I was sure;” and I could seethatEdward, laughing away in his sleeve at every sip I took. Then she would sit all the evening with her shawl over her shoulders, declaring that the draughts came in at our door enough to cut her in two; and, bother take it, she made me go down stairs and see that the sheets for her bed were well aired—and give orders for a fire to be lighted in her room—and the feather-bed put down before it—and a pan of hot water to be taken up for her at ten precisely—and for a few spoonfuls of brown sugar to be put into the warming-pan with the coals, before warming her bed; adding that, with a good large basin of gruel, and a James’s powder in it, she thought she should do forthatnight. And really I should have thought so too. But what pleased me most was, that she said she was putting me to a great deal of trouble. And I should think she was too—though of course I was forced to assure her that she wasn’t, and that nothing gave me more pleasure than to be able to assist one with such a bad constitution as she appeared to have of her own. Whereupon she flew at me very spitefully, and told me I was never more mistaken in all my life, for every one that knew her allowed, that if it hadn’t been for her very fine constitution, and a score of Morison’s Number Two’s daily, she should have been in Abraham’s bosom long ago; and that I should be a lucky woman if my constitution was half as fine as hers. So as I saw it was useless arguing the point with her, I let her have her own way, and was’nt at all sorry when ten o’clock came, and I had seen her fairly up stairs to her bed-room, where she kept Susan a good three-quarters of an hour at least fiddle-faddleing and tying her flannel petticoat round her head, and tucking her up, and pinning her shawl before the window, and what not.
Next morning, when she came down to breakfast, she told us that she had got the rheumatism in both her legs so bad, that she had been forced to wrap them up in brown paper, which she said she found to be the best of all remedies, and an infallible cure; and sure enough there she was going about the house with her legs done up for all the world like a pair of new tongs in an ironmonger’s shop. All breakfast time, she would tell us how she had made it a duty to try every new cure as fast as it came up, and how she supposed she must have written in her time at least thirty testimonials of wonderful cures effected upon her by different medicines, which, she said, she had since found out had never done her any good at all. At one time, she swore by brandy and salt, and she took so much of it, that, instead of curing her illness, she verily believed she was only curing herself like so much bacon. At another period, she had pinned her faith entirely to cold water, and she was sure she must have swallowed a small river in her time; she had had it pumped upon her too, and sat in it, and bathed in it, and slept in it, she might say, for she went to bed in nothing but damp sheets for a year and more—until really she had washed every bit of colour out of her cheeks; and she felt that if she was to wring her hands, water would run from them like a wet flannel. After that, she had gone raving mad about homœopathy, and had nearly starved herself to death with its finikin infinitessimal doses; for whole weeks she used to take nothing for breakfast but the billionth part of a spoonful of tea in a quart of boiling water, and the ten thousandth part of an ounce of butter to eight sixty-sixths of a quartern loaf; while her dinner had frequently consisted of three ounces and two drachms of the lean of a neck of mutton made into broth with a gallon of water, flavoured with three pennyweights of carrot, and a scruple of greens, and seasoned with two grains and a half of pepper, and the sixteenth of a pinch of salt. Since, however, she had discovered her wonderful pill, she had left all her other specifics, and never felt so well, and consequently so happy, before: and then she pulled out a box, and would make me take a couple of the filthy little things with my tea, saying that they would make me so comfortable and good-tempered, that I should hardly know myself again.
Immediately after the breakfast things had been taken away, I slipt on my things, and stepped round to dear mother’s, just to tell her what a dreadful creature we had got in the house, and that I really began to have fears for my life again. When the dear, affectionate old lady had heard of Mrs. Yapp’s fearful goings-on, she said that it really would not be safe to trust me alone with such a woman during my confinement; and that, as my mother, she insisted upon being allowed to come and sleep in the house, too. Though I told her I didn’t know how we were to manage it, unless she consented to take half of Mrs. Yapp’s bed—which, I regretted to say, was only a small tent, and it was impossible to say how it would ever be able to hold the pair of them. But the dear, good old soul declared, she didn’t mind what hardship she underwent, so long as she was by, to watch over me, and prevent my being poisoned to death by pills, and herbs, and draughts, and such like. I told her, it was very kind indeed of her, and I had no doubt that Mr. Sk—n—st—n would be as grateful to her as I was; and we arranged together that she should sleep in the house that very night.
When I informed Edward of what my mother had so kindly consented to do for me, he began grinning again, and said, that he was delighted to hear it, for that he was sure such a state of things could not last long, and that he should have the pair of them getting together by the ears, and going at it hammer and tongs, and both his dear mothers-in-law leaving the premises in less than a week—thank Heaven! Though when I told him that I didn’t know where on earth I could put him to, unless, indeed, I made him up a nice comfortable bed on the sofa in the back drawing-room, with coats and cloaks, and odd things, to cover him—for Mrs. Yapp, I regretted to say, had got all the spare blankets we had—of course he must go flying into a passion again, and said that matters had come to a pretty pass, when a man’s mothers-in-law walked into his house, and didn’t leave him even a bed to lie upon. And after he had railed against Mrs. B—ff—n and Mrs. Yapp till he was quite out of breath, he got a little better tempered, and said, that as it would be impossible for his two blessed mothers-in-law to sleep in the same bed without falling out, why he didn’t mind what amicable arrangement he came to, so long as he could make them enemies for life.
Next day, nurse came; and really she was such a nice, goodnatured, fat, motherly old soul, that it was quite pleasant to have a little quiet chat with her. Her name was Mrs. Toosypegs, and she was the widow—poor thing—of a highly respectable eating-house keeper, who, she assured me, used to do such a deal in the eating line, that he would sometimes have as many as five hundred dinners a day. Unfortunately, however, one evening, “the spirit of progress”—as they call it—got into his head, and he would go having an ordinary for the Million, every day, at every half-hour, at only fifteen-pence a head. But the Million—drat ’em!—had every one of them the appetites of a hundred; and the consequence was, that there was no satisfying them, although he gave them oceans of soup, and as much fish as they could eat, by way of what he called a damper to their raging appetites; though really it seemed quite thrown away upon them: for, Lord bless you, when the joint was brought up, they seemed to be as fresh and ravenous as ever, and would fall-to at the meat, as if the Million were a parcel of boa-constrictors, and only in the habit of being fed twice a year. And she declared that, often and often, the waiters had to shake many of the Million to wake them up and get them to pay; and that when they swept up the room of a night, she had, over and over again, collected several gross of waistcoat buttons, which the greedy young ogres had actually burst off with her husband’s food. So that at last the blessed Million positively eat Mr. Toosypegs through the Insolvent Court, and left him little or nothing to satisfy his poor creditors with; and this so preyed upon her dear man’s mind, that in an insane moment of despair, he raised his own boiled-beef knife against himself, and fell, like another Cook, a victim to the Cannibals who prowled aboutTo-heat-he. After which, Mrs. Toosypegs informed me she had been put to it so hard, that she had been obliged to go out nursing; and, thank goodness! she had done as well as could be expected; for though she had no dear little Toosypegs of her own, still she had brought such numbers of children into the world, that she could not help looking upon herself in the light of a mother of a very large family—indeed, she was always speaking of the littlepets she had nursed as if they were her own flesh and blood; for at one time she would talk to me of a very fine boy she had had in Torrington Square, and at another, of her beautiful twins at Ball’s Pond; and then, of a sweet little flaxen-haired beauty of a little girl of hers with eleven toes, that she had had at Captain Jones’s, at Puddle Dock. And really, last year, she said she had had as many as eight confinements in the course of the twelvemonth, and which had been almost more than she had strength to go through with. Her last lying-in had been in the suburbs, near Stockwell Park; and what made her month very agreeable was, that the family lived in a long terrace, and she knew all the neighbours’ little secrets; for all kinds of strange reports used to travel from house to house, over the garden walls, or else from door to door, when the maids were cleaning the steps of a morning. And she advised me, if ever I took a house in a terrace a little way out of town, to be very careful that it was the centre one—at least, if I had any regard for my reputation. For I must be well aware that a story never lost by telling; and consequently, if I lived in the middle of a row of houses, it was very clear that the tales which might be circulated against me would only have half the distance to travel on either side of me, and therefore could only be half as bad, by the time they got down to the bottom of the terrace, as the tales that might be circulated against the wretched individuals who had the misfortune to live at the two ends of it; so that I should be certain to have twice as good a character in the neighbourhood as they had. For instance, she informed me of a lamentable case that actually occurred while she was there. The servant at No. 1 told the servant at No. 2 that her master expected his old friends the Baileys to pay him a visit shortly; and No. 2 told No. 3 that No. 1 expected to have the Baileys in the house every day; and No. 3 told No. 4 that it was all up with No. 1, for they couldn’t keep the bailiffs out; whereupon 4 told 5 that the officers were after No. 1, and that it was as much as he could do to prevent himself being taken in execution, and that it was nearly killing his poor, dear wife; and so it went on, increasing and increasing, until it got to No. 32, who confidently assured the last house, No. 33, that the Bow-street officers had taken up the gentleman who lived at No. 1, for killing his poor dear wife witharsenic, and that it was confidently hoped and expected that he would be executed at Horsemonger-lane jail, as the facts of the case were very clear against him. All which, Mrs. Toosypegs said, proved, very clearly, that servants were a “bad lot,” and that there was no trusting ’em with anything, but what they must go wasting their time gossiping and putting it about all over the neighbourhood. Though, for her own part, she always made it a rule to shut her ears against all scandal.
Edward was quite right; for Mrs. Yapp, when she found that dear mother only turned her nose up at her filthy medicines, tried to see how disagreeable she could make herself to my respected parent. And I declare, on the very first night, they both went quarrelling up stairs to bed, where dear mother—who, being a stout woman, has always accustomed herself to sleep cool—would insist upon having two of the blankets, and all the cloaks, taken off the bed, for she protested that, what with the fire, and the shawl pinned before the window, there wasn’t a breath of air stirring in the room, saying, that, for her part, she should like to have the window open. This, that disagreeable old Mrs. Yapp declared would be certain death to her, and she shouldn’t allow anything of the kind; and scarcely had poor dear mother taken the blankets off the bed, than Mrs. Yapp rushed up, and began putting them on again; so there they both stood for a good hour at least, one taking them off as fast as the other put them on, until they got tired, and agreed that if Mrs. Yapp would forego making up the fire for the night, and consent to waive the warming-pan, why, my dear, good, obliging mother would, in her turn, allow the coddling old thing to have as many blankets, and gowns, and cloaks on her side as she liked. But no sooner had they got into the small bed than they both began growling away, and each declaring that the other had got more than her proper share of it, so that mother told me that neither of them got a wink of sleep all night. And really, when they came down to breakfast the next morning, they wouldn’t open their mouths to each other—much to that wicked Edward’s delight, who kept rubbing his hands, and pressing mother to try a couple of tea-spoonfuls of Epsom salts, as Mrs. Yapp did in her tea, and asking the old she-quack whether she did not think Mrs. B—ff—n’s liverwas out of order, and what she would recommend for her under the circumstances.
That evening, whilst we were at dinner, a parcel came, with a letter for me, which, on opening, proved to be from those dear, sweet girls, the two Misses B—yl—s’s, saying “they would feel much obliged if I would present the accompanying article to one who would call for it in a day or two.” On undoing the parcel, I declare if it wasn’t a beautiful white satin pincushion, with a superb lace border, while on it was printed in pins—