What makes a pair of boots?Two boots.
What tree is of the greatest importance in history?The date.
Why is the superintendent of a children's play-ground like a stranded vessel?Because he runs a-ground.
Why is the road-bed laborer on a railroad like a hunted bear in the mountains?Because he makes tracks for his life.
Why is the engineer of a train like an aëronaut?Because he frequently slows down.
Why is it impossible that there should be a best horse on a race course?Because there is always a bettor.
When may a ship be said to be in love?When she wishes for a mate.
What is that which has never been felt, seen, or heard,—never existed, and still has a name?Nothing.
Why is a congreve-box without matches superior to all other boxes?Because it is matchless.
Why is a postman in danger of losing his way?Because he is guided by the directions of strangers.
What is that which comes with a coach, goes with a coach, is of no use to the coach, and yet the coach cannot go without it?Noise.
Why is a missionary like a pig roasting on a spit?Because he goes around doing good.
Why are hogs more intelligent than humans?Because they nose (knows) everything.
What makes a pet dog wag his tail when he sees his master?Because he's got one to wag.
What other edifice does a man sometimescarry about with him besides a sty in his eye?A castle in the (h)air.
When is a fast young man nearest heaven?When on a lark.
When is a cigar like a shoulder of pork?When it's smoked.
When is a man most likely to get floored (flawed)?When he's up late (a plate), and so runs a chance of becoming cracked.
What are the features of the cannon?Cannon-mouth, canon-ize, and cannon-eers.
Who always sits with his hat on before the queen?Her coachman.
Why is a pig in the drawing-room like a house on fire?Because the sooner it is put out the better.
When is a river not a river?When it is eye water (high water).
What trade never turns to the left?A wheelwright.
What trade is more than full?Fuller.
Why is electricity like the police when they are wanted?Because it is an invisible force.
When is a borough like a ship?When it is under canvass.
Why are guns like trees?People plant them and they shoot.
How does a boy look if you hurt him?It makes him yell O! (yellow).
What part of your ear would be the most essential for a martial band?The drum.
What is it that stands aloft, and regulates our daily movements, yet feels no interest in our concerns; directs us when to go, and when to come; yet cares not whether we attend or not; still, thus indifferent to our fate, often strikes a heavy blow to urge us on, and we feel no resentment when the reproof is given?A clock.
Why is the dove a very cautious little dear?Because he minds his peas and coos.
When is a baby like a breakfast cup?When it's a tea thing (teething).
Why is a chicken served to a minister like a theological student?Because it is about to enter the ministry.
What animal keeps the best time?A watch dog.
When is a young lady's cheek not a cheek?When it is a little pale (pail).
When is a nose not a nose?When it is a little reddish (radish).
What sort of a face does the auctioneer like best?One that is for-bidding.
When is a straight field not a straight field?When it is a rye field (a wry).
What is it that walks with its head downward?A nail in a shoe.
Why are the hours from one to twelve like good Christians?Because they are always on the watch.
Why is a hen walking across the road like a conspiracy?Because it is a foul proceeding.
What sort of sympathy would you rather be without?You don't want to be pitted by the small-pox.
What is that which we often return but never borrow?Thanks.
What animals are always seen at a funeral?Black kids.
What did the pistol ball say to thewounded duelist?"I hope I give satisfaction."
Why is horse racing a necessity?Because it is a matter of course.
What is a young lady who refuses you?Two no-ing by half.
Why is a note of hand like a rosebud?Because it is matured by falling due (dew).
What games do the waves play at?At pitch and toss.
What fish is most valued by a loving wife?Her-ring.
Why is a solar eclipse like a woman whipping her boy?Because it's a hiding of the son (sun).
When does a man's hair resemble a packing box?When it stands on end.
Why is a woman who tries to drive a balky horse like a successful actress?Because she's the leading lady.
Why is a mad bull an animal of convivial disposition?Because he offers a horn to every one he meets.
When is silence likely to get wet?When it reigns.
How do you make a Maltese cross?Pull its tail.
What is a waste (waist) of time?The middle of an hour glass.
Who is the most popular preacher? Jack in the pulpit. Why?Because he is silent.
Why is a muddy road a guardian of the public safety?Because it reduces the speed of autos.
Why does a student never lead a sedentary life?Because he's always pursuing his studies.
Why are bishops like superannuated washerwomen?Because they wear lawn dresses (were laundresses).
Why can no clergyman have a wooden leg?Because, although a chaplain may be a plain chap, a parson can't be a lame un (layman).
If thirty-two degrees is freezing point, what is squeezing point?Two in the shade.
What is that which becomes too young the longer it exists?A portrait.
What is that which we often catch yet never see?A passing remark.
What is the geometrical form of an escaped parrot?A polygon (polly gone).
Why is a lamp like a house?Because it has a chimney.
Why is the wall going to decay?Because you can see its molding.
How does a tipsy man generally look?Dizzy-pated.
At what age should a man marry?At the parsonage.
Why is a committee of inquiry like a cannon?It makes a report.
What is the most popular paper at a summer resort?Flypaper.
What coat is finished without buttons and put on wet?A coat of paint.
Why do you think that a judge of the criminal court is looked upon with contempt?Because every day the worst of scoundrels are set before him.
Why is a book like a king?It has many pages.
What roof never keeps out the wet?The roof of the mouth.
What fruit is on a cent?A date.
Why are good women like ivy?Because the greater the ruin, the closer they cling.
Why are bad women like ivy?Because the closer they cling the greater the ruin.
What must be done to conduct a newspaper right?Write.
What is necessary to a farmer to assist him?System.
What would give a blind man the greatest delight?Light.
What is the best advice to give a justice of the peace?Peace.
Who commit the greatest abominations?Nations.
Who is the greatest terrifier?Fire.
What made the tart tart?Because she didn't want the baker to bake her.
My first makes company,My second shuns company,My third assembles company,My whole puzzles company.Co-nun-drum.
Co-nun-drum.
My first is a reflection, my second not so much, and my whole none at all.Thoughtless.
I lived upon my own substance and died when I had devoured myself.A candle.
I have hands, but no fingers; no bed, but a tick.A clock.
You can hang me on the wall, but if you take me down, you cannot hang me up again.Wall paper.
In my first my second sat, my third and fourth I ate.In-sat-i-ate.
May my first never be lost in my second,To prevent me from enjoying my whole.Friendship.
Friendship.
My first I do, and my second—when I say you are my whole—I do not.Love-lie (Lovely).
My first is a prop, my second also is a prop, and my whole is a prop as well.Footstool.
Wipe my face, and I'm everybody; scratch my back, and I'm nobody.A mirror.
By well employing my second you will never regret my first, and you will the more thoroughly enjoy my whole.Past-time.
When you stole my first, I lost my second, and you are the only person to give me my whole.Hearts-ease.
Why is the emblem of America more lasting than that of France, England, Ireland, or Scotland?The lily may fade, and its leaves decay,The rose from its stem may sever;Shamrock and thistle may pass away,But the stars shall shine for ever.
The lily may fade, and its leaves decay,The rose from its stem may sever;Shamrock and thistle may pass away,But the stars shall shine for ever.
The lily may fade, and its leaves decay,The rose from its stem may sever;Shamrock and thistle may pass away,But the stars shall shine for ever.
Read up and down and you shall see.
Can you tell me whyA hypocrite's eyeCan better descryThan you or IOn how many toesA pussy-cat goes?A man of deceitCan best count-er-feit;And so, I suppose,Can best count her toes.
Can you tell me whyA hypocrite's eyeCan better descryThan you or IOn how many toesA pussy-cat goes?
A man of deceitCan best count-er-feit;And so, I suppose,Can best count her toes.
My first, though 'tis dirty, 's a thing to a door;My second is made into cakes and a bun;My third is, believe me, by none thought a bore;My whole we have frequently been led to believe by many authors of the United States is very often indeed called one.Mat-ry(e)-money.
My first, though 'tis dirty, 's a thing to a door;My second is made into cakes and a bun;My third is, believe me, by none thought a bore;
My whole we have frequently been led to believe by many authors of the United States is very often indeed called one.Mat-ry(e)-money.
Why is a cross old bachelor like the precedingconundrum?Because he's averse to matrimony.
By equal division, I know I am right;The half of thirteen you'll find to be eight.VIIIXIII,ΛIII, VIII
By equal division, I know I am right;The half of thirteen you'll find to be eight.
I came to a field and couldn't get through it;So I went to school and learned how to do it.Fence.
I came to a field and couldn't get through it;So I went to school and learned how to do it.
Fence.
Legs have I got, but seldom walk,I backbite all, yet never talk.A flea.
Legs have I got, but seldom walk,I backbite all, yet never talk.
A flea.
I am a good state, there can be no doubt of it;But those who are in, entirely are out of it.Sane; insane.
I am a good state, there can be no doubt of it;But those who are in, entirely are out of it.
Sane; insane.
Formed long ago, yet made to-day,I'm most employed while others sleep;What none would like to give away,Yet no one likes to keep.Bed.
Formed long ago, yet made to-day,I'm most employed while others sleep;What none would like to give away,Yet no one likes to keep.
Bed.
My first of anything is half,My second is complete;And so remains until once moreMy first and second meet.Semi-circle.
My first of anything is half,My second is complete;And so remains until once moreMy first and second meet.
Semi-circle.
Pray tell me, ladies, if you can,Who is that highly favored man,Who, though he has married many a wife,May still live single all his life?A clergyman.
Pray tell me, ladies, if you can,Who is that highly favored man,Who, though he has married many a wife,May still live single all his life?
A clergyman.
Great numbers do our use despise,But yet, at last they find,Without our help in many things,They might as well be blind.Spectacles.
Great numbers do our use despise,But yet, at last they find,Without our help in many things,They might as well be blind.
Spectacles.
My love for you will never knowMy first, nor yet my second;'Tis like your wit and beauty, soMy whole 'twill aye be reckoned.End-less.
My love for you will never knowMy first, nor yet my second;'Tis like your wit and beauty, soMy whole 'twill aye be reckoned.
End-less.
As I was going through a field of wheat,I found something good to eat;It wasn't fish or flesh or bone;I kept it till it ran alone.An egg.
As I was going through a field of wheat,I found something good to eat;It wasn't fish or flesh or bone;I kept it till it ran alone.
An egg.
There's a word composed of three letters aloneWhich reads backwards and forwards the same,It expresses the sentiments warm from the heart,And to beauty lays principal claim.Eye.
There's a word composed of three letters aloneWhich reads backwards and forwards the same,It expresses the sentiments warm from the heart,And to beauty lays principal claim.
Eye.
We travel much, yet pris'ners are,And close confined to boot;We with the swiftest horse keep pace,Yet always go on foot.A pair of spurs.
We travel much, yet pris'ners are,And close confined to boot;We with the swiftest horse keep pace,Yet always go on foot.
A pair of spurs.
My first doth affliction denote,Which my second is destined to feel;But my whole is the sure antidoteThat affliction to soothe and to heal.Wo-man.
My first doth affliction denote,Which my second is destined to feel;But my whole is the sure antidoteThat affliction to soothe and to heal.
Wo-man.
Those who take me improve, be their task what it may,Those who have me are sorrowful through the long day;I am hated alike by the foolish and wise,Yet without me none ever to eminence rise.Pains.
Those who take me improve, be their task what it may,Those who have me are sorrowful through the long day;I am hated alike by the foolish and wise,Yet without me none ever to eminence rise.
Pains.
Your initials begin with an A,You've an A at the end of your name,The whole of your name is an A,And it's backwards and forwards the same.Anna.
Your initials begin with an A,You've an A at the end of your name,The whole of your name is an A,And it's backwards and forwards the same.
Anna.
Ever running on my race,Never staying at one place,Through the world I make my tour,Everywhere at the same hour.If you please to spell my name,Reversed or forward it's the same.Noon.
Ever running on my race,Never staying at one place,Through the world I make my tour,Everywhere at the same hour.If you please to spell my name,Reversed or forward it's the same.
Noon.
You name me once, and I am famedFor deeds of noble daring;You name me twice, and I am foundIn savage customs sharing.Tar-tar.
You name me once, and I am famedFor deeds of noble daring;You name me twice, and I am foundIn savage customs sharing.
Tar-tar.
What is that which lives in winter, dies in summer, and grows with its root upwards?An icicle.
Water soft is my first, water hard is my second,Sticks made of my whole are by many sweet reckon'd.Liquor-ice (licorice).
Water soft is my first, water hard is my second,Sticks made of my whole are by many sweet reckon'd.
Liquor-ice (licorice).
From a number that's odd cut off the head,It then will even be.Its tail, I pray, next take away,Your mother then you'll see.Seven—even—Eve.
From a number that's odd cut off the head,It then will even be.Its tail, I pray, next take away,Your mother then you'll see.
Seven—even—Eve.
My first is of illustrious line,Of beauteous form and face divine;Which when my second does assail,Both form and beauty then do fail;My whole an arduous task to doWith wives who hoity-toity ways pursue.Man-age.
My first is of illustrious line,Of beauteous form and face divine;Which when my second does assail,Both form and beauty then do fail;My whole an arduous task to doWith wives who hoity-toity ways pursue.
Man-age.
A stranger comes from foreign shores,Perchance to seek relief;Curtail him, and you find his taleUnworthy of belief;Curtailed again, you recognizeAn old Egyptian chief.Alien—a lie—Ali.
A stranger comes from foreign shores,Perchance to seek relief;Curtail him, and you find his taleUnworthy of belief;Curtailed again, you recognizeAn old Egyptian chief.
Alien—a lie—Ali.
An ugly little fellow, that some might call a pet,Was easily transmuted to a parson when he ate;And when he set off running, an Irishman was he;Then took to wildly raving, and hung upon a tree.Cur, cur-ate, Cur-ran, cur-rant.
An ugly little fellow, that some might call a pet,Was easily transmuted to a parson when he ate;And when he set off running, an Irishman was he;Then took to wildly raving, and hung upon a tree.
Cur, cur-ate, Cur-ran, cur-rant.
Ere Adam was, my early days began;I ape each creature, and resemble man;I gently creep o'er tops of tender grass,Nor leave the least impression where I pass;Touch me you may, but I can ne'er be felt,Nor ever yet was tasted, heard, or smelt,Yet seen each day; if not, be sure at nightYou'll quickly find me out by candlelight.Shadow.
Ere Adam was, my early days began;I ape each creature, and resemble man;I gently creep o'er tops of tender grass,Nor leave the least impression where I pass;Touch me you may, but I can ne'er be felt,Nor ever yet was tasted, heard, or smelt,Yet seen each day; if not, be sure at nightYou'll quickly find me out by candlelight.
Shadow.
'Twas whispered in Heaven, 'twas muttered in Hell,And echo caught faintly the sound as it fell;On the confines of earth 'twas permitted to rest,And the depths of the ocean its presence confessed.'Twill be found in the sphere when 'tis riven asunder,Be seen in the lightning, and heard in the thunder.'Twas allotted to man with his earliest breath,Attends at his birth, and awaits him in death;It presides o'er his happiness, honor, and health,Is the prop of his house, and the end of his wealth.In the whispers of conscience its voice will be found,Nor e'en in the whirlwind of passion be drowned.In the heaps of the miser 'tis hoarded with care,But is sure to be lost by his prodigal heir.'Twill not soften the heart, and though deaf to the ear,'Twill make it acutely and instantly hear.Without it the soldier and sailor may roam,But woe to the wretch who expels it from home!So in shade let it rest, like a delicate flower:Oh, breathe on it softly, it dies in an hour!The letter "H."
'Twas whispered in Heaven, 'twas muttered in Hell,And echo caught faintly the sound as it fell;On the confines of earth 'twas permitted to rest,And the depths of the ocean its presence confessed.'Twill be found in the sphere when 'tis riven asunder,Be seen in the lightning, and heard in the thunder.'Twas allotted to man with his earliest breath,Attends at his birth, and awaits him in death;It presides o'er his happiness, honor, and health,Is the prop of his house, and the end of his wealth.In the whispers of conscience its voice will be found,Nor e'en in the whirlwind of passion be drowned.In the heaps of the miser 'tis hoarded with care,But is sure to be lost by his prodigal heir.'Twill not soften the heart, and though deaf to the ear,'Twill make it acutely and instantly hear.Without it the soldier and sailor may roam,But woe to the wretch who expels it from home!So in shade let it rest, like a delicate flower:Oh, breathe on it softly, it dies in an hour!
The letter "H."
How do you punctuate the sentence, "I saw a five-dollar bill on the street?"Make a dash after it.
There was a carpenter who made a cupboard door; it proved too big. He cut it, and unfortunately, he cut it too little; he thereupon cut it again, and made it fit beautifully. How was this?He did not cut it enough the first time.
There are twelve birds in a covey. A hunter kills a brace, then how many remain?None, for, unless they are idiots, they fly away.
A one-eyed beggar bet a friend that he could see more with one eye than his friendcould with two. How was this?Because he saw his friend's two eyes, whilst the other only saw his one.
A hunter and his dog went out hunting. The dog went not behind, went not before, nor on one side of him. Where did he go?On the other side.
Which would you rather—look a greater fool than you are, or be a greater fool than you look?(Let the person choose, then say, "That is impossible.")
Which would you rather—that a lion ate you or a tiger?Why, you would rather that the lion ate the tiger, of course.
A man stopped before the window of a trunk store; within, a large trunk was marked "$25.00," a medium-sized one "$15.00," and a small one bore the placard, "This size for $5.00." "So do I," the man said, and walked on.
A man was crossing a bridge over a small stream, and noticed a sign which read, "Don't fish here." "Do they?" he asked, and walked on.
What age will people reach if they live long enough?Dotage.
To what age do most people look forward?Marriage.
A necessary attribute of a soldier?Courage.
What age is required at sea?Tonnage.
What age are we forbidden to worship?Image.
What age do people get stuck on?Mucilage.
What age is neither more nor less?Average.
What is the age of profanity?Damage.
At what age will vessels ride safely?Anchorage.
What age does the infant in arms pass through?Crib-bage.
What age does the small boy enjoy?Sauce-age (sausage).
What age is the young lady most interested in?Garb-age.
What age does the child in primary school dislike?Ad(d)-age.
What age does the bride desire?Dotage.
What age is necessary for a clergyman?Parsonage.
What is the age of communication?Postage.
What age is most important to travelers?Mileage.
What is the age of slavery?Bondage.
What age is served for breakfast?Sausage.
What is the most indigestible age?Cabbage.
What age signifies the farmer?Tillage.
What age belongs to travelers?Baggage.
What age is an indication of wealth?Acreage.
What age do milliners delight in?Plumage.
What age is shared by a doctor and a lawyer?Patronage.
What age is used in turkey stuffing?(S)age.
What age do a number of people enjoy in common?Village.
What is the oldest ant?Adam-ant.
What ant hires his home?Tenant.
What ant is joyful?Jubilant.
What ant is learned?Savant.
What ant is well informed?Conversant.
What ant is trustworthy?Confidant.
What ant is proud?Arrogant.
What ant sees things?Observant.
What ant is angry?Indignant.
What ant tells things?Informant.
What ant is successful?Triumphant.
What ant is an officer?Commandant.
What ant is a beggar?Mendicant.
What ant is obstinate?Defiant.
What ant is youngest?Infant.
What is the ruling ant?Dominant.
What is the wandering ant?Errant.
What ant lives in a house?Occupant.
What ant points out things?Significant.
What ant is prayerful?Supplicant.
What city is for few people?Scarcity.
THE END
Transcriber's correctionsp. xi: In the early half of the seventeenth[seventeeth] centuryp. 7: An oculist[occulist] is an excellent sleight-of-handp. 35: Because he discovered[dicovered] a whole New World.p. 45: What is the most difficult[diffcult] river on which top. 88: Why is a rooster on a fence[fency] like a penny?p. 99: What animals are in the clouds? Rain-deer[Rain-dear].