(EnterCharles Haslam,R.,cautiously. He is in motoring attire.)Charles.(At the door, to someone outside.) It's all right. We've caught 'em (within the room).Cedric.(Extremely puzzled; frowning.) Hello!Charles.Hello!... Flora, what's the matter?Flora.(Collecting herself; ironically.) Oh, nothing! nothing! This is a nice kind idea of yours, to come and relieve our solitude, but did you expect us not to be startled?(EnterMr. Reach Haslam.)Cedric.Hello. (Mr. Reach Haslamgives a deprecating gesture.)Mr. R. Haslam.My dear Flora!(EnterMrs. Reach Haslam.)Cedric.Any more?(EnterGaston.)Flora.Well, thisisa pleasure. Unusual perhaps——Mrs. Reach Haslam.My dear son, my dear Flora—— (Turns toMr. Reach Haslam.) Father—— (Stops.)Mr. Reach Haslam.(ToGaston,who is hovering inquisitively about.) If there is the slightest doubt in your mind as to the exact geographical situation of the door——Gaston.Please? (Meaning "I beg your pardon, I didn't catch what you said!")(Mr. Reach Haslamgoes to door,R.,and signals toGastonto depart. ExitGaston.Mr. Reach Haslamcloses door.)Cedric.(Aside toCharles.) What the hell's up?Charles.(Loudly.) Well, Rick——Mrs. R. Haslam.Charles, what did I tell you before you came in? I'll thank you to go and sit down over there. (Charlesobeys.)Flora.Suppose we all sit down, shall we? Well, whatdidyou tell him before he came in?Mrs. R. Haslam.(Sits.) Believe me, Flora, I never felt so unequal to a situation in my life.Cedric.Look here, dad, do you mind telling me in one word what this is all about?Mrs. R. Haslam.Yes, your father will tell you. The circumstances are exceedingly difficult—in fact, painful. But they have to be faced, and faced with dignity. The various necessary steps must be taken, in their proper order, very carefully. The first step is to inform you and Flora of the facts. Your father will inform you; as the head of the family, and the fount of authority, the statement comes more properly from him. I decided that absolutely as we motored down. (ToMr. Reach Haslam.) Dear——Mr. R. Haslam.Yes, dear. (ToCedricandFlora.) You know we went straight back to town when you'd left the church. As soon as we had——Mrs. R. Haslam.(Interrupting, toCedricandFlora.) You needn't be alarmed. As I said, the circumstances are painful, but once faced as we shall face them, they really amount to nothing. The principal thing was to catch you in time. Thank heaven, we've done that!Charles.Thank my masterly and audacious driving!Mrs. R. Haslam.(Staring him down.) If we had failed! (Gesture of despair toMr. Reach Haslam.) Dear——Mr. R. Haslam.(Nodding to her politely.) As soon as we had finished lunch your motherset herself to work, her work being very much behind——Mrs. R. Haslam.Never mind all that. Do it as gently as you can, but come to the point at once. I am quite sure that is best.Mr. R. Haslam.The telephone?Mrs. R. Haslam.The telephone.Mr. R. Haslam.(Nodding to her politely.) We were rung up on the telephone. Your mother was walking about in meditation, and as she was nearest to the telephone she answered it. She then said to me, "It's the Bishop of Chelmsford." I was at the desk. In another moment she asked me to come to the telephone and listen for myself as she could scarcely believe her ears. I did so, and the Bishop—he was telephoning from the Palace at Chelmsford—repeated at my request what he had said to your mother, namely, that that curate who—er—officiated this morning, suddenly awakened to a sense of beauty——Mrs. R. Haslam.Sense of duty.Mr. R. Haslam.I quite understood "beauty." It's true the Bishop hasn't got a good telephone voice—probably more impressive at a confirmation than on the telephone. I heard "beauty." However——Mrs. R. Haslam.Sense of duty.Mr. R. Haslam.No doubt you are right. Iseemed to gather that it was Flora's beauty that had roused his conscience.Mrs. R. Haslam.Oh, no!Flora.That had what?Charles.(Coming towards the group, unable to control his impatience.) Oh, hang it! The curate was a sham curate—not a curate at all.Cedric.(Taking it in.) A sham curate!Flora.But surely such things don't happen?Mrs. R. Haslam.That's what many people said when I made a shopwalker successfully personate an archdeacon in "The Woman of Kent." Everyone said so until Mr. Gladstone wrote that he found the episode quite convincing. You remember, dear?Mr. R. Haslam.Vividly.Mrs. R. Haslam.I assure you it happens quite frequently that from one cause or another people who think they are married are not married. Why, sometimes special Acts of Parliament have to be passed in order to set things right—when they've gone altogether too far. I well recall that when I studied this subject, as of course I did, coming across a case in which, owing to a church having been consecrated very carelessly, a lady who supposed herself to be the legitimate mother of sixteen children—poor thing——Flora.(Interrupting.) But do you mean to say we aren't married?Mrs. R. Haslam.Well, of course, I want to put it as gently as possible, but the fact is—— (looking at her husband).Mr. R. Haslam.It would be an exaggeration to say that you are married.Mrs. R. Haslam.If my idea had been accepted of having the Bishop to officiate—and he would have been only too enchanted—in the cathedral, this dreadful thing could not have occurred. No case of personating a bishop has ever been known.Cedric.But what are we to do?Charles.(Airily.) Well, you must make the best of it.Mrs. R. Haslam.(Outraged.) Certainly not, Charles, you are astounding. It would have looked better of you if you had remained outside in charge of the car. Make the best of it, indeed! (ToMr. Reach Haslam.) Father——Mr. R. Haslam.(ToCedric.) For the moment a policy of masterly inactivity seems to be indicated.(Curtain.)
(EnterCharles Haslam,R.,cautiously. He is in motoring attire.)
(EnterCharles Haslam,R.,cautiously. He is in motoring attire.)
Charles.(At the door, to someone outside.) It's all right. We've caught 'em (within the room).
Cedric.(Extremely puzzled; frowning.) Hello!
Charles.Hello!... Flora, what's the matter?
Flora.(Collecting herself; ironically.) Oh, nothing! nothing! This is a nice kind idea of yours, to come and relieve our solitude, but did you expect us not to be startled?
(EnterMr. Reach Haslam.)
Cedric.Hello. (Mr. Reach Haslamgives a deprecating gesture.)
Mr. R. Haslam.My dear Flora!
(EnterMrs. Reach Haslam.)
Cedric.Any more?
(EnterGaston.)
Flora.Well, thisisa pleasure. Unusual perhaps——
Mrs. Reach Haslam.My dear son, my dear Flora—— (Turns toMr. Reach Haslam.) Father—— (Stops.)
Mr. Reach Haslam.(ToGaston,who is hovering inquisitively about.) If there is the slightest doubt in your mind as to the exact geographical situation of the door——
Gaston.Please? (Meaning "I beg your pardon, I didn't catch what you said!")
(Mr. Reach Haslamgoes to door,R.,and signals toGastonto depart. ExitGaston.Mr. Reach Haslamcloses door.)
(Mr. Reach Haslamgoes to door,R.,and signals toGastonto depart. ExitGaston.Mr. Reach Haslamcloses door.)
Cedric.(Aside toCharles.) What the hell's up?
Charles.(Loudly.) Well, Rick——
Mrs. R. Haslam.Charles, what did I tell you before you came in? I'll thank you to go and sit down over there. (Charlesobeys.)
Flora.Suppose we all sit down, shall we? Well, whatdidyou tell him before he came in?
Mrs. R. Haslam.(Sits.) Believe me, Flora, I never felt so unequal to a situation in my life.
Cedric.Look here, dad, do you mind telling me in one word what this is all about?
Mrs. R. Haslam.Yes, your father will tell you. The circumstances are exceedingly difficult—in fact, painful. But they have to be faced, and faced with dignity. The various necessary steps must be taken, in their proper order, very carefully. The first step is to inform you and Flora of the facts. Your father will inform you; as the head of the family, and the fount of authority, the statement comes more properly from him. I decided that absolutely as we motored down. (ToMr. Reach Haslam.) Dear——
Mr. R. Haslam.Yes, dear. (ToCedricandFlora.) You know we went straight back to town when you'd left the church. As soon as we had——
Mrs. R. Haslam.(Interrupting, toCedricandFlora.) You needn't be alarmed. As I said, the circumstances are painful, but once faced as we shall face them, they really amount to nothing. The principal thing was to catch you in time. Thank heaven, we've done that!
Charles.Thank my masterly and audacious driving!
Mrs. R. Haslam.(Staring him down.) If we had failed! (Gesture of despair toMr. Reach Haslam.) Dear——
Mr. R. Haslam.(Nodding to her politely.) As soon as we had finished lunch your motherset herself to work, her work being very much behind——
Mrs. R. Haslam.Never mind all that. Do it as gently as you can, but come to the point at once. I am quite sure that is best.
Mr. R. Haslam.The telephone?
Mrs. R. Haslam.The telephone.
Mr. R. Haslam.(Nodding to her politely.) We were rung up on the telephone. Your mother was walking about in meditation, and as she was nearest to the telephone she answered it. She then said to me, "It's the Bishop of Chelmsford." I was at the desk. In another moment she asked me to come to the telephone and listen for myself as she could scarcely believe her ears. I did so, and the Bishop—he was telephoning from the Palace at Chelmsford—repeated at my request what he had said to your mother, namely, that that curate who—er—officiated this morning, suddenly awakened to a sense of beauty——
Mrs. R. Haslam.Sense of duty.
Mr. R. Haslam.I quite understood "beauty." It's true the Bishop hasn't got a good telephone voice—probably more impressive at a confirmation than on the telephone. I heard "beauty." However——
Mrs. R. Haslam.Sense of duty.
Mr. R. Haslam.No doubt you are right. Iseemed to gather that it was Flora's beauty that had roused his conscience.
Mrs. R. Haslam.Oh, no!
Flora.That had what?
Charles.(Coming towards the group, unable to control his impatience.) Oh, hang it! The curate was a sham curate—not a curate at all.
Cedric.(Taking it in.) A sham curate!
Flora.But surely such things don't happen?
Mrs. R. Haslam.That's what many people said when I made a shopwalker successfully personate an archdeacon in "The Woman of Kent." Everyone said so until Mr. Gladstone wrote that he found the episode quite convincing. You remember, dear?
Mr. R. Haslam.Vividly.
Mrs. R. Haslam.I assure you it happens quite frequently that from one cause or another people who think they are married are not married. Why, sometimes special Acts of Parliament have to be passed in order to set things right—when they've gone altogether too far. I well recall that when I studied this subject, as of course I did, coming across a case in which, owing to a church having been consecrated very carelessly, a lady who supposed herself to be the legitimate mother of sixteen children—poor thing——
Flora.(Interrupting.) But do you mean to say we aren't married?
Mrs. R. Haslam.Well, of course, I want to put it as gently as possible, but the fact is—— (looking at her husband).
Mr. R. Haslam.It would be an exaggeration to say that you are married.
Mrs. R. Haslam.If my idea had been accepted of having the Bishop to officiate—and he would have been only too enchanted—in the cathedral, this dreadful thing could not have occurred. No case of personating a bishop has ever been known.
Cedric.But what are we to do?
Charles.(Airily.) Well, you must make the best of it.
Mrs. R. Haslam.(Outraged.) Certainly not, Charles, you are astounding. It would have looked better of you if you had remained outside in charge of the car. Make the best of it, indeed! (ToMr. Reach Haslam.) Father——
Mr. R. Haslam.(ToCedric.) For the moment a policy of masterly inactivity seems to be indicated.
(Curtain.)