Some ten years since, an old Dutchman purchased in the vicinity of Brooklyn, a snug little farm for nine thousand dollars. Last week, a lot of land speculators called on him to "buy him out." On asking his price, he said he would take "sixty tousand dollars—no less."
"And how much may remain on bond and mortgage?"
"Nine tousand dollars."
"And why not more," replied the would-be purchasers.
"Because der tam place ain't worth any more."
Ain't that Dutch.
A great many dogmas have been written, and may continue to be written, on dogs. Confessing, once, to a dogmatical regard for dogs, we "went in" for the canine race, with a zeal we have bravely outgrown; and we live to wonder how men—to say nothing of spinsters of an uncertain age—can heap money and affections upon these four-legged brutes, whose sole utility is to doze in the corner or kennel, terrify stray children, annoy horsemen, and keep wholesome meat from the stomachs of many a poor, starving beggar at your back gate. There is no use for dogs in the city, and precious littleusefor them any where else; and asBozsays of oysters—you always find a preponderance of dogs where you find the most poor people. Philadelphia's the place for dogs; in the suburbs, especially after night, if you escape from the onslaught of the rowdies, you will find the dogs a still greater and more atrocious nuisance. No rowdy, or gentleman at large, in theQuaker City, feelsfinished, without a lean, lank, hollow dog trotting along at their heels; while the butchers and horse-dealers revel in a profusion of mastiffs and dastardly curs, perfectly astounding—to us. This brings us to a short and rather pithy story of a dogsell.
Some years ago, a knot of men about town, gentlemen highly "posted up" on dogs, and who could talkhossand dog equal to a Lord Bentick, or Hiram Woodruff, or "Acorn," or Col. Bill Porter, of the "Spirit," were congregated in a famous resort, a place known asHollahan's. A dog-fight that afternoon, under the "Linden trees," in front of the "State House," gave rise to a spirited debate upon the result of the battle, and the respective merits of the two dogs. Words waxed warm, and the disputants grew boisterously eloquent upon dogs of high and low degree,—dogs they had read of, and dogs they had seen; and, in fact, we much doubt, if ever before or since—this side of "Seven Dials" or St. Giles', there was a more thorough and animated discussion, on dogs, witnessed.
An old and rusty codger, one whose outward bruises might have led a disciple ofPaleyto imagine they had caused a secret enjoyment within, sat back in the nearest corner, towards the stove, a most attentive auditor to the thrilling debate. Between his outspread feet, a dog was coiled up, the only indifferent individual present, apparently unconcerned upon the subject.
"Look here," says the old codger, tossing one leg over t'other, and taking an easy and convenient attitude of observation; "look here, boys, you're talkin' aboutdogs!"
"Dogs?" says one of the most prominent speakers.
"Dogs," echoes the old one.
"Why, yes, daddy, we are talking about dogs."
"What do you know aboutdogs?" says a full-blownJakey, looking sharply at the old fellow.
"Know aboutdogs?"
"A' yes-s," saysJakey. "I bet dis five dollars, ole feller, you don't know a Spaniel from a butcher'scur!"
"Well," responds the old one, transposing his legs, "may be Idon't, but it'smy'pinion you'd make a sorryfisteat best, if you had tail and ears a little longer!"
Thissallyamused all but the young gentleman who "run wid de machine," and attracted general attention towards the old man, in whose eyes and wrinkles lurked a goodly share of mother wit and shrewdness.Jakeybacking down, another of the by-standers put in.
"Poppy, I expect you know what a good dog is?"
"I reckon, boys, I orter. But I'm plaguy dry listening to your dog talk—confounded dry!"
"What'll you drink, daddy?" said half a dozen of the dog fanciers, thinking to wet the old man's whistle to get some fun out of him. "What'll you drink?—come up, daddy."
"Sperrets, boys, good old sperrets," and the old codger drank; then giving his lips a wipe with the back of his hand, and drawing out a long, deep "ah-h-h-h!" he again took his seat, observing, as he partially aroused his ugly and cross-grained mongrel—
"Here's adog, boys."
"Thatyourdog, dad?" asked several.
"That's my dog, boys. Heisa dog."
"Ain't he, tho'?" jocularly responded the dog men.
"What breed, daddy, do you call that dog of yours?" asked one.
"Breed? He ain't any breed,heain't. Stand up, Barney, (jerking up the sneaking-looking thing.) He's no breed, boys; look at him—see his tushes; growl, Barney, growl!—Ain't them tushes, boys? He's no breed, boys;he's original stock!"
"Well, so I was going to say," says one.
"That dog," says another, "must be valuable."
"Waluable?" re-echoes the old man; "he is all that, boys; I wouldn't sell him; but, boys, I'm dry, dry as a powder horn—so much talkin' makes one dry."
"Well, come up, poppy; what'll you take?" said the boys.
"Sperrets, boys; good old sperrets. I do like good sperrets, boys, and that sperrets, Mister (to the ruffled-bosomed bar-keeper), o' your'n is like my dog—can't be beat!"
"Well, daddy," continued the dog men, "where'd you get your dog?"
"That dog," said the old fellow, again giving his mouth a back-hander, and his "ah-h-h!" accompaniment; "well, I'll tell you, boys, all about it."
"Do, poppy, that's right; now, tell us all about it," they cried.
"Well, boys, 'd any you know Ben. McConachy, out here at the Risin' Sun Tavern?"
"We've heard of him, daddy—go on," says they.
"Well, I worked for Ben. McConachy, one winter; he was a pizen mean man, but his wife—wasn't she mean? Why, boys, she'd spread all the bread with butter afore we sat down to breakfast; she'd begin with a quarter pound of butter, and when she'd got through, she had twice as much left."
"But how about the dog, daddy? Come, tell us about yourdog."
"Well, yes, I'll tell you, boys. You see, Ben. McConachy owned this dog; set up, Barney—look at his ears, boys—great, ain't they? Well, Ben's wife was mean—meaner than pizen. She hated this dog; she hated any thing thatet; she considered any body, except her and her daughter (a pizen ugly gal), that et three pieces of bread and two cups of coffee at a meal,awful!"
"Blow the old woman; tell us about thedog, poppy," said they.
"Now, I'm coming to the pint—but, Lord! boys, I never was so dry in my life. I am dry—plaguy dry," said the old one.
"Well, daddy, step up and take something; come," said the dog men; "now let her slide. How about thedog?"
"Ah-h-h-h! that's great sperrets, boys. Mister (to the bar-keeper), I don't find such sperrets as thatoften. Well, boys, as you're anxious to hear about the dog, I'll tell you all about him. You see, the old woman and Ben. was allers spatten 'bout one thing or t'other, and 'specially about this dog. So one day Ben. McConachy hears a feller wanted to buy a good dog, down to thedrove yard, and he takes Barney—stand up, Barney—see that, boys; how quick he minds! Great dog, he is. Well, Ben. takes Barney, and down he goes to thedrove yard. He met the feller; the feller looked at the dog; he saw Barneywasa dog—he looked at him, asked how old he was; if that was all the dog Ben. owned, and he seemed to like the dog—but, boys, I'm gittin' dry—rotted dry—"
"Go on, tell us all about the dog, then we'll drink," says the boys.
"'Well,' says Ben. McConachy to the feller, 'now, make us an offer for him.' Now, what do you suppose, boys, that feller's first offer was?"
The boys couldn't guess it; they guessed and guessed; some one price, some another, all the way from five to fifty dollars—the old fellow continuing to say "No," until they gave it up.
"Well, boys, I'll tell you—that feller, after looking and looking at Ben. McConachy's dog, tail to snout, half an hour—didn't offer a red cent for him!Ben. come home in disgust and give the dog to me—there he is. Now, boys, we'll have that sperrets."
But on looking around, the boys had cut the pit—mizzled!
Money is admitted to be—there is no earthly use of dodging the fact—the lever of the whole world, by which it and its multifarious cargo of men and matters, mountains and mole hills, wit, wisdom, weal, woe, warfare and women, are kept in motion, in season and out of season. It is the arbiter of our fates, our health, happiness, life and death. Where it makes one man a happyChristian, it makes ten thousand miserabledevils. It is no use to argufy the matter, for money is the "root of all evil," more or less, and—as Patricus Hibernicus is supposed to have said of a single feather he reposed on—if a dollar gives some men so much uneasiness, what must a million do? Money has formed the basis of many a long and short story, and we only wish that they were all imbued, as our present story is, with—more irresistible mirth than misery. Lend us your ears.
Not long ago, one of our present well-known—or ought to be, for he is a man of parts—business men of Boston, resided and carried on a small "trade and dicker" in the city of Portland. By frugal care and small profits, he had managed to save up some six hundred dollars, all inhalves, finding himself in possession of this vast sum of hard cash, he began to conceive a rather insignificant notion ofsmall cities; and he concluded that Portland was hardly big enough for a man of his pecuniary heft! In short, he began to feel the importance of his position in the world of finance, and conceived the idea that it would be a sheer waste of time and energy to stay in Portland, while withhiscapital, he could go to Boston, and spread himself among the millionaires and hundred thousand dollar men!
"Yes," said B——, "I'll go to Boston; I'd be a fool to stay here any longer; I'll leave for bigger timber. But what will I do with my money? How will I invest it? Hadn't I better go and take a look around, before I conclude to move? My wife don't know I've got this money," he continued, as he mused over matters one evening, in his sanctum; "I'll not tell her of it yet, but say I'm just going to Boston to see how business is there in my line; and my money I'll put in an old cigar box, and—"
B—— was all ready with his valise and umbrella in his hand. His "good-bye" and all that, to his wife, was uttered, and for the tenth time he charged his better half to be careful of the fire, (he occupied a frame house,) see that the doors were all locked at night, and "be sure and fasten the cellar doors."
B—— had got out on to the pavement, with no time to spare to reach the cars in season; yet he halted—ran back—opened the door, and in evident concern, bawled out to his wife—
"Caddie!"
"Well?" she answered.
"Be sure to fasten the alley gate!"
"Ye-e-e-e-s!" responded the wife, from the interior of the house.
"And whatever you do,don't forget them cellar doors, Caddie!"
"Ye-e-e-e-s!" she repeated, and away went B——, lickety split, for the Boston train.
After a general and miscellaneous survey of modern Athens, B—— found an opening—a good one—to go into business, as he desired, upon a liberal scale; but he found vent for the explosion of one very hallucinating idea—his six hundred dollars, as a cash capital, was a most infinitesimalcircumstance, a mere "flea bite;" would do very well for an amateur in the cake and candy, pea-nut or vegetable business, but was hardly sufficient to create a sensation among the monied folks of Milk street, or "bulls" and "bears" on 'change. However, this realization was more than counter-balanced by another fact—"confidence" was a largely developedbumpon the business head of Boston, and if a man merely lacked "means," yet possessed an abundance of good business qualifications—spirit, energy, talent and tact—they were bound to see him through! In short, B——, the great Portland capitalist, found things about right, and in good time, and in the best of spirits, started for home, determining, in his own mind, to give his wife a most pleasant surprise, in apprizing her of the fact that she was not only the wife of a man with six hundred silver dollars, and about to move hisinstitution—but the better half of a gentleman on the verge of a new campaign as a Boston business man.
"Lord! how Caroline's eyes will snap!" said B——; "how she'll go in; for she's had a great desire to live in Boston these five years, but thinks I'm in debt, and don't begin to believe I've got them six hundred all hid away down——. But I'll surprise her!"
B—— had hardly turned his corner and got sight of his house, with his mind fairly sizzling with the pent-up joyful tidings and grand surprise in store for Mrs. B., when a sudden change came over the spirit of his dream! As he gazed over the fence, by the now dim twilight of fading day, he thought—yes, he did see fresh earthy loose stones, barrels of lime, mortar, and an ominous display of other building and repairing materials, strewn in the rear of his domicil! The cellar doors—those wings of the subterranean recesses of his house—which he had cautioned, earnestly cautioned, the "wife of his bussim" to close, carefully and securely, were sprawling open, and indeed, the outside of his abode looked quite dreary and haunted.
"My dear Caroline!" exclaimed B——, rushing into the rear door of his domestic establishment, to the no small surprise of Mrs. B., who gave a premature—
"Oh dear! how you frightened me, Fred! Got home?"
"Home? yes! don't you see I have. But, Carrie, didn't I earnestly beg of you to keep those doors—cellar doors—shut? fastened?"
"Why, how you talk! Bless me! Keep the cellar shut? Why, there's nothing in the cellar."
"Nothing in the cellar?" fairly howls B——.
"Nothing? Of course there is not," quietly responded the wife; "there is nothing in the cellar; day before yesterday, our drain and Mrs. A.'s drain got choked up; she went to the landlord about it; he sent some men, they examined the drain, and came back to-day with their tools and things, and went down the cellar."
"Down the cellar?" gasped B——, quite tragically.
"Downthecellar!" slowly repeated Mrs. B.
"Give me a light—quick, give me a light, Caroline!"
"Why, don't be a fool. I brought up all the things, the potatoes, the meat, the squashes."
"P-o-o-h! blow the meat and squashes! Give me a light!" and with a genuine melo-drama rush, B—— seized the lamp from his wife's hand, and down the cellar stairs he went, four steps at a lick. In a moment was heard—
"O-o-o-h! I'm ruined!"
With a full-fledged scream, Mrs. B. dashed pell-mell down the stairs, to her husband. He had dropped the lamp—all was dark as a coal mine.
"Fred—Frederick! oh! where are you? What have you done?" cried his wife, in intense agony and doubt.
"Done? Oh! I'm done! yes, done now!" he heavily sighed.
"Done what? how? Tell me, Fred, are you hurt?"
"What on airth's the matter, thar? Are you committing murder on one another?" came a voice from above stairs.
"Is that you, Mrs. A.?" asked Mrs. B. to the last speaker.
"Yes, my dear; here's a dozen neighbors; don't get skeert. Is thare robbers in yer house? What on airth is going on?"
This brought B—— to his proper reckoning. He ordered his wife to "go up," and he followed, and upon reaching the room, he found quite a gathering of the neighbors. He was as white as a white-washed wall, and the neighbors staring at him as though he was a wild Indian, or a chained mad dog. Importuned from all sides to unravel the mystery, B—— informed them that he had merely gone down cellar to see what the masons, &c., had been doing—dropped his lamp—his wife screamed—and that was all about it! The wife said nothing, and the neighbors shook their incredulous heads, and went home; which, no sooner had they gone, than B—— seized his hat and cut stick for the office of a cunning, far-seeing limb of the law, leaving Mrs. B. in a state of mental agitation better imagined than described. B—— stated his case—he had buried six hundred dollars in a box under theleeof the cellar-wall, and gone to Boston on business, and as if no other time would suit, a parcel of drain-cleaners, and masons, and laborers, must come and go right there and then to dig—get the six hundred dollars and clear.
After a long chase, law and bother, B—— recovered half his money—packed up and came to Boston.—There's a case for you! Beware of money!
Waiting for dead men's shoes is a slow and not very sure business; sometimes it pays and sometimes it don't. I know a genius who lost by it, and his case will bear repeating, for there is both morality and fun in it.
Lev Smith, a native of "the Eastern shore" of Maryland, and a resident of a small town in the lower part of Delaware, began life on a very limited capital, and because of a natural disposition indigenous to the climate and customs of his native place—general apathy and unmitigatedpatiencepeculiar to people raised on fish and Johnny-cake, amid the stunted pine swamps and sand-hills of that Lord-forsaken country—Lev never increased it. Lev had an uncle, an old bachelor, without "chick or child," and was reported to be pretty well off. Old man Gunter was proverbially mean, and as usual, heartily despised by one half of the people who knew him. He had a small estate, had lived long, and by his close-fisted manner of life, it was believed that Gunter had laid by a pretty considerable pile of the root of all evil, for something or somebody; and one day Lev Smith, the nephew, came to the conclusion that as the old man was getting quite shaky and must soon resign his interests in all worldly gear,hewould volunteer to console the declining years of his dear old uncle, by his own pleasant company and encouragement, and the old man very gladly accepted the proposals of Lev, to cut wood, dig, scratch and putter around his worn out and dilapidated farm. Uncle Gunter had but two negroes; through starvation and long service he had worn them about out; he had little or no "stock" upon hisfarm, quite as scant an assortment of utensils, few fences, and in fact, to any actively disposed individual, the general appearance and state of affairs about old Gunter'splacewould have given the double-breasted blues. But Lev Smith had come to loaf and lounge, and not to display any very active or patriotic evolutions, so he was not so much disheartened by his uncle's dilapidated farm, as he was annoyed by the beggarly way the old man lived, and the assiduous desire he seemed to manifest for Lev to be stirring around, gathering chips, patching fences, cutting brush; from morn till night, he and the two superannuated cuffies; and the old man barely raising enough to keep soul and body of the party together.
At first, the job he had undertaken proved almost too much for Lev Smith's constitution, but the great object in view consoled him, and the more he saw of the old man's meanness, the more and more he took it for granted that his uncle had necessarily hoarded up treasure; but, after three years' drudgery, Lev's courage was on the point of breaking down; the only stay left seemed the fact that now he had served so long a time, so patiently and lovingly, and the old man apparently upon his very last legs—it seemed a ruthless waste of his golden dreams to give out, so he made up his mind to—wait a little longer. Another year rolled on; Uncle Gunter got indeed low, and the lower he got the more assiduous got nephew Smith, and even the neighbors wondered how a young mancouldstick on, and put up with such a miserly, mean, selfish and penurious old curmudgeon as old Joe Gunter. Gunter himself was apprized of the great indulgence and wonderful patience of his nephew, and not unfrequently said, in a groaning voice:
"Ah, my dear Levi, you're a good boy; I wish to the Lord it was in your poor, miserable, wretched old uncle's distressed power to—"
"Never mind, never mind, Uncle Joe," Lev would most deceitfully respond; "I ask nothing for myself; what I do, Idowillingly!"
"I know, I know you do, poor boy, but your poor, old, miserable, wretched uncle don't deserve it."
"Don't mind that, dear uncle," says Lev. "It's my duty, and I'll do it."
"Good boy, good boy; your poor, old, miserable uncle will be grateful—we'll see."
"I know that—I feel sure he will, dear Uncle Joe—and that's enough,allI ask."
"And if he don't—poor, miserable old creature,—if he don't pay you, the Lord will, Levi!"
"And that will be all that's needed, Uncle Joe," says the humbugging nephew. And so they went, Lev not only waiting on the old man with the tender and faithful care of a good Samaritan, but out of his own slender resources ministering to the old man's especial comfort in many ways and matters which Uncle Joe would have seen him hanged and quartered before he would in a like manner done likewise. But the end came—the old fellow held on toughly; he never died until Lev's patience, hope and slender income were quite threadbare; so he at last went off the handle—Lev buried him and mourned the dispensation in true Kilkenny fashion.
Lev Smith now awaited the settlement of Uncle Gunter's affairs in grief and solicitude. Another party also awaited the upshot of the matter, with due solemnity and expectation, and that party was Polly Williams, Lev's "intended," and her poor and miserly dad and marm, who knew Lev Smith, as they said, was a lazy, lolloping sort of a feller, but sure to get all that his poor, miserable uncle was worth in the world, and therefore, with more craft and diligence, if possible, than Lev practised, the Williamses set Polly's cap for Lev, and who, in turn, was not unmindful of the fact that Williams "had something" too, as well as his two children, Polly and Peter. Things seemed indeed bright and propitious on all sides. The day came; Lev was on hand at Squire Cornelius's, to hear the will read, and the estate of the deceased settled.
As usual in such cases in the country, quite a number of the neighbors were on hand—old Williams, of course.
"He was a queer old mortal," began the Squire.
"But a good man," sobbed Lev Smith, drawing out his bandanna, and smothering his sharp nose in it. "A good man, 'Squire."
"God's his judge," responded the Squire, and a number of the neighbors shook their head and stroked their beards, as if to say amen.
"Joseph Gunter mout have been a good man and he mout not," continued the Squire; "some thinks he was not; I only say he was a queer old mortal, and here's his will. Last will and testament of Joseph Gunter, &c., &c.," continued the Squire.
"Poor, dear old man," sobbed Lev. "Poordearold man!"
"Being without wife or children," continued the 'Squire.
"O, dear! poor, dear old man, howIshall miss him in this world of sorrow and sin," sobs Lev, while old Williams bit his skinny lips, and the neighbors again stroked their beards.
"To comfort my declining years—"
"Poor,dearold man, he was to be pitied; I did all I could do," groaned the disconsolate Lev, "but I didn't do half enough."
"Passing coldly and cheerless through the world—" continued the 'Squire.
"Yes, he did, poor old man; O, dear!" says Lev.
"Cared for by none, hated and shunned by all (Lev looked vacantly over his handkerchief, at the Squire), I have made up my mind (Lev all attention) that no mortal shall benefit by me; I have thereforemortgagedand sold (Lev's eyes spreading) everything I had of a dollar's value in the world, and buried the money in the earth where none but the devil himself can find it!"
There was a general snicker and stare—all eyes on Lev, his face as blank as a sham cartridge, while old Williams's countenance fell into a concatenation of grimaces and wrinkles—language fails to describe!
"But here's a codicil," says the 'Squire, re-adjusting his glasses. "Knowing my nephew, Levi Smith, expects something (Lev brightens up, old Williams grins!)—he has hung around me for a long time, expecting it (Lev's jaw falls), I do hereby freely forgive him his six years boarding and lodging, and, furthermore, make him a present of my two old negroes, Ben and Dinah."
"The—the—the—cussed old screw," bawls old Williams.
"The infernal, double and twisted, mean, contemptible, miserable old scoundrel!" cries poor Lev, foaming with virtuous indignation, and swinging his doubled up fists.
"And you—you—you cussed, do-less, good for nothing, hypocritical skunk, you," yells old Williams, shaking his bony fingers in poor Lev's face, the neighbors grinning from ear to ear, "to humbug me, my wife, my Polly, in this yer way. Now clear yourself—take them old niggers, don't leave 'em here for the crows to eat—clear yourself!"
Lev Smith sneaks off like a kill-sheep dog, leaving old Ben and Dinah to the tender mercies of a quite miserable and equally wretched neighborhood. Polly Williams didn't "take on" much about the matter, but in the course of a few weeks took another venture in love's lottery, and—was married. Poor Lev Smith returned to the scenes of his childhood, a wiser and a poorer man.
"Mr. Flash in?"
"Mr. Flash? Don't know any such person, my son."
"Why, he lives here!" continued the boy.
"Guess not, my son; I live here."
"Well, this is the house, for I brought the things here."
"What things?" says our friend, Flannigan.
"Why, the door mat, the brooms, buckets and brushes," says little breeches.
Flannigan looks vacantly at his own door mat, for a minute, then says he—
"Come in my man, I'll see if any such articles have come here, for us."
The boy walks into the hall, amid the barricades of yet unplaced household effects—for Flannigan had just moved in—and Flannigan calls for Mrs. F. The lady appears and denies all knowledge of any such purchases, or reception of buckets, brooms, and little breeches clears out.
In the course of an hour, a violent jerk at the bell announces another customer. Flannigan being at work in the parlor, answers the call; he opens the door, and there stands "a greasy citizen."
"Goo' mornin'. Mr. Flash in?"
"Mr. Flash? I don't know him, sir."
"You don't?" says the "greasy citizen." "He lives here, got this bill agin him, thirty-four dollars, ten cents, per-visions."
"I live here, sir; my name's Flannigan, I don't know you, or owe you, of course!"
"Well, that's a pooty spot o' work,any how;" growls our greasy citizen, crumpling up his bill. "Where's Flash?"
"I can't possibly say," says Flannigan.
"You can't?"
"Certainly not."
"Don't know where he's gone to?" growls the butcher.
"No more than the man in the moon!"
"Well, he ain't goin' to dodgeme, in no sich a way," says the butcher. "I'll find him, if it costs me a bullock, you may tell him so!—forme!" growls the butcher.
"Tell him yourself, sir; I've nothing to do with the fellow, don't know him from Adam, as I've already toldyou," says Flannigan, closing the door—the "greasy citizen" walking down the steps muttering thoughts that breathe and words that burn!
Flannigan had just elevated himself upon the top of the centre table, to hang up Mrs. F.'s portrait upon the parlor wall, when another ring was heard of the bell. He called to his little daughter to open the door and see what was wanted.
"Is your fadder in, ah?"
"Yes, sir, I'll call him," says the child, but before she could reach the parlor, a burly Dutch baker marches in.
"Goot mornin', I bro't depillsin."
"Pills?" says Flannigan.
"Yaw, for de prets," continues the baker; "nine tollars foof'ey cents. I vos heert you was movin', so I tink maybees you was run away."
"Mistake, sir, I don't owe you a cent; never bought bread of you!"
"Vaw's!Tonner a' blitzen!—don't owes me!"
"Not a cent!" says Flannigan, standing—hammer in hand, upon the top of the table.
"Vaw's!you goin' thrun away and sheet me,ah?"
"Look here, my friend, you are under a mistake. I've just moved in here, my name's Flannigan, you never saw me before, and of course I never dealt with you!—don't you see?"
"Tonner a' blitzen!" cries the enraged baker, "I see vat you vant, to sheet me out mine preet, you raskills—I go fetch the con-stabl's, de shudge, de sher'ffs, and I have mine mon-ney in mine hands!" and off rushes the enraged man of dough, upsetting the various small articles piled up on the bureau in the hall—bywangingto the door.
Poor Flannigan felt quite "put out;" he came very near dashing his hammer at the Dutchman's head, but hoping there was an end to the annoyances he kept at work, until another ring of the bell announced another call. The Irish girl went to the door; Flannigan listens—
"Mr. Flash in?"
"Yees!" says Biddy, supposing Flash and Flannigan was the same in Dutch. "Would yees come in, sir," and in comes the young man.
"Good morning, sir," quoth he; "I've called as you requested sir, with the bill of that china set, &c."
"Mistake, sir—I've bought no china set, lately," says Flannigan.
"Isn't your name Flash, sir!"
"No, sir, my name'sFlannigan. I've just moved here."
"Indeed," says the clerk. "Well, sir, where has Flash gone to, do you know."
"Gone to be hanged! I trust, for I've been bothered all this morning by persons that scoundrel appears to owe. He moved out of here, day before yesterday; I took his unexpired term of the lease of this dwelling, having noticed it advertised, gave the fellow a bonus for his lease, and he cleared for California, I believe."
This concise statement appeared to satisfy the clerk that his "firm" wasdone, and the young man andhisbill stepped out. Anotherring, and Flannigan opens the door; two men wanted to see Mr. Flash; he had been buying some tin-ware of one, and the other he owed for putting up a fire range in the building, and which range and accoutrements poor Flannigan had bought for twenty-five dollars, cash down! These gentlemen felt very vindictive, of course, and hinted awful strong that Flannigan was privy to Flash's movements; and a great deal more, until Flannigan losing his patience, and then his temper, ordered the men to vamose!—they did, giving poor Flannigan a "good blessing" as they walked away!
The family was about to sit down to a "made-up dinner" in the back parlor, when the bell rang; the Irish girl answered the call, and returned with a bill of sundry groceries, handed in by a man at the door.
"Tell him Mr. Flash has gone—left—don't know him, and don't want to know him, or have any thing to do with him or his bill!"
The girl carried back the bill; presently Flannigan hears amussin the hall, he gets up and goes out; there was Biddy and the grocer's man in a high dispute. Biddy—"true to her instinct," had made a bull of her message by telling the man her master didn't know him; go to the divil wid his bill! Flannigan managed to pacify the man, and give him to understand that Mr. Flash was gone to parts unknown, and—the grocer, in common with bakers, butchers, tinners and china dealers—weredone!
But now came the tug of war; two "colored ladies" made their appearance, for a small bill of seven dollars, for washing and ironing the dickeys and fine linen of the Flashes.
"An' de facam," says the one, "we's bound to hab de money,shuah!"
It did not seem totakewhen Flannigan informed his colored friends that they were surelydone, as their debtor had "cut his lucky" and gone!
The darkies felt inclined to besassy, and Flannigan closed the door, ordering them to create a vacancy by clearing out, and just as he closed the door, ring goes the bell!
"Be gor," says a brawny "adopted citizen," planting his brogan upon the sill, as Flannigan opened the door—"I've come wid mecoz-zin to git her wages, ye's owin' her!"
"Me? Owe you?" cries poor Flannigan.
"Igh!" says Paddy, trying to push his way into the hall.
"Stand back, you scoundrel!" cries Flannigan.
"Scoun-thril!" roars the outraged "adopted citizen."
"Stand back, you infernal ruffian!" exclaims Flannigan, as Paddy makes a rush to grab him.
"Give me me coz-zin's wages, ye—ye—" but here his oration drew towards a close, for Flannigan, no longer able to recognise virtue in forbearance, opened the door and planting his own huge fist between theogle-factoriesof Paddy, knocked him as stiff as a bull beef! Falling, Paddy carried away his red-faced burly coz-zin, and the twain tumbling upon the two negro women who were still at the bottom of the steps, dilating, to any number of lookers-on, upon the rascality of poor Flannigan in gouging them out of their washing bill, down went the white spirits and black, all in a lump.
Here was a row! A mob gathered; "the people in that house" were denounced in all manner of ways, the negroes screamed, the Irish roared, the Dutch baker came up with a police-man to arrest Flannigan for stealing his bread! And soon the butcher arrived with another officer to seize the goods of Flash, supposed to be in the house—ready to be taken away!
Such a double and twisted uproar in Dutch, Irish, Ethiopian and natural Yankee, was terrific!
Mrs. F. fainted, the children screamed, and poor Flannigan was carried to the police office to answer half a cord of "charges," and reached home near sundown, quite exhausted, and his wallet bled for "costs," fines, &c., some $20. Poor Flannigan moved again; the house had such a "bad name," he couldn't stay in it.
"Doctor" Gumbo, who "does business" somewhere along shore, met "Prof."White,—a gemman, whose complexion is four shades darker than the famed ace of spades,—a few evenings since, in front of theBladeoffice, and after the usual formalities of greeting, says the doctor—
"What you tink, sah, oh dat Lobes question, what dey's makin' sich a debbil ob a talk about in de papers?"
"Well," dignifiedly answered the professor of polish-on boots, "it's my 'ticular opinion, sah, dat dat Lopes got into de wrong pew, brudder Gumbo, when he went down to Cuber for his healf!"
"Pshaw! sah, I'se talkin' about de gwynna (guano) question, I is."
"Well, doctor," said the professor, "I'se not posted up on de goanna question, no how; but, when you comes to de Cuber, or de best mode ob applyin' de principle ob liquid blackin' to de rale fuss-rate calfskin,I'se dar!"
"O! oh!" grunts Gumbo; "professor, you'se great on de natural principles ob de chemical skyence, I see; but lord honey, I doos pity your ignorance on jography questions. So, take care ob yourself, ole nigger—yaw! yaw!" and they parted with the formality of two Websters, and half a dozen common-sized dignitaries of the nation thrown in.
People often wonder how a man can manage to drink up his salary in liquor, provided it is sufficient to buy a gallon of the very best ardent every day in the year. How a fortune can be drank up, or drank down, by the possessor, is still a greater poser to the unsophisticated. Now, to be sure, a man who confines himself, in his potations, to fourpenny drinks of small beer, Columbian whiskey, or even that detestable stuff, by courtesy or custom calledFrench brandy,—which, in fact, is generally aquafortis, corrosive sublimate, cochineal, logwood, and whiskey,—and don't happen to know too many drouthy cronies, may make a very long lane of it; but it's the easiest thing in the world to swallow a snug salary, income, mortgages, live stock, and real estate, when you know how it's done.
Managing a theatre, publishing a newspaper, or keeping trained dogs or trotting horses, don't hardly begin to phlebotomize purse and reputation, like drinking.
"Doctor," said a gay Southern blood, to a famed "tooth doctor," "look into my mouth."
"I can't see any thing there, sir," says the tooth puller.
"Can't? Well, that's deuced strange. Why, sir, look again; you see nothing!"
"Nothing, sir!"
"Why, sir," says the young planter, "it's most astonishing, for I've just finished swallowing—three hundred negroes and two cotton plantations!"
Four young bucks met, some years ago, in a fashionable drinking saloon in Cincinnati. It was one of the most elegant drinking establishments in that part of the country. The young chaps belonged over in Kentucky—daddies rich, and they didn't care a snap! says they, let's have a spree! The "sham" came in, and they went at it; giving that a fair trial, they took a turn at sherry, hock, and a sample of all the most expensive stuffs the proprietors had on hand. Getting fuddled, they got uproarious; they kicked over the tables and knocked down the waiters. The landlord, not exactly appreciating that sort of "going on," remonstrated, and was met by an array of pistols and knives. Mad and furious, the young chaps made a general onslaught on the people present, who "dug out" very quick, leaving the bacchanalians to their glory; whereupon, they fell to and fired their pistols into the mirrors, paintings, chandeliers, &c. Of course the watchmen came in, about the time the young gentlemen finished their youthful indiscretions, and after the usual battering and banging of the now almost inanimate bodies of the quartette, landed them in the calaboose. Next day they settled their bills, and it cost them about $2200! It was rather an expensive lesson, but it's altogether probable that they haven't forgotten a letter of it yet.
A small party of country merchants, traders, &c., were cruising around New York, one evening, seeing the lions, and their cicerone,—by the way, a "native" who knew whatwaswhat,—took them up Broadway, and as they passed the Astor House, says one of the strangers:
"Smith, what's this thunderin' big house?"
"O, ah, yes, this," says the cicerone, Smith, "this, boys, is a great tavern, fine place to get a drink."
"Well, be hooky, let's all go in."
In they all went; taking a private room or small side parlor, the country gents requested Smith to do the talking and order in the liquor. Smith called for a bill of fare, upon which are "invoiced" more "sorts" and harder named wines andliquorsthan could be committed to memory in a week.
"That's it," says Smith, marking a bill of fare, and handing it to the servant, "that's it—two bottles, bring 'em up."
Up came the wine; it was, of course, elegant. The country gents froze to it. They had never tasted such stuff before, in all their born days!
"Look a here, mister," says one of the "business men," "got eny more uv that wine?"
"O, yes, sir!" says the servant.
"Well, fetch it in."
"Two bottles, sir?"
"Two ganders! No, bring in six bottles!—I can go two on 'em myself," says the country gent.
The servant delivered his message at the bar, and after a few grimaces and whispering, the servant and one of the bar-keepers, or clerks, carried up the wine. Says the clerk, whispering to Smith, whom he slightly knew:
"Smith, do you know the price of this wine?"
"Certainly I do," says Smith; "here it's invoiced on the catalogue, ain't it?"
"O, very well," says the clerk, about to withdraw.
"Hold on!" says one of the merry country gents, "don't snake your handsome countenance off so quick; do yer want us to fork rite up fur these drinks?" hauling out his wallet.
"No, yer don't," says another, hauling out his change.
"My treat, if you please, boys," says the third, pulling out a handful of small change. "I asked the party in, an' I pay for what licker we drink—be thunder!"
In the midst of their enthusiasm, the clerk observed it was of no importance just then—the bill would be presented when they got through. This was satisfactory, and the party went on finishing their wine, smoking, &c.
"S'pose we have some rale sham-paigne, boys?" says one of the gents, beginning to feel his oats, some!
"Agreed!" says the rest. Two bottles of the best "sham" in "the tavern" were called for, and which the party drank with great gusto.
"Now," says one of them, "let's go to the the-ater, or some other place where there's a show goin' on. Here, you, mister,"—to the servant,—"go fetch in the landlord."
"The landlord, sur?" says Pat, the servant, in some doubts as to the meaning of the phrase.
"Ay, landlord—or that chap that was in here just now; tell him to fetch in the bill. Ah, here you are, old feller; well, what's the damages?" asks the gent, so ambitious of putting the party through, and hauling out a handful of keys, silver and coppers, to do it with.
"Eight bottles of that old flim-flam-di-rip-rap," pronouncing one of those fancy gamboge titles found upon an Astor House catalogue, "ninety-six dollars—"
"What?" gasped the country gent, gathering up his small change, that he had began to sort out on the table.
"And two bottles of 'Shreider,' and cigars—seven dollars," coolly continued the bar-clerk; "one hundred and three dollars."
"A hundred and three thunder—"
"A hundred and three dollars!" cried the country gents, in one breath, all starting to their feet, and putting on their hats.
The clerk explained it, clear as mud; the trio "spudged up" the amount, looked very sober, and walked out.
"Come, boys," said Smith, "let's go to the theatre."
"Guess not," says "the boys." "B'lieve we'll go home for to-night, Mr. Smith." And they made for their lodgings.
If those country gents were asked, when they got home, any particulars about the "elephant," they'd probably hint something about getting a glimpse of him at the Astor House.
Sit down for a moment, we will not detain you long, our story will interest you, we are sure, for it is most commendable, brief, and—singularly true.
A poor widow, in the city of Philadelphia, was the mother of three pretty children, orphans of a ship-builder, who lost his life in the corvette Kensington, a naval vessel, built in Kensington for one of the South American republics, and launched in 1826. The South Americans being short of funds, the Kensington, after years of delay, was sold to the emperor of all the Russias, and sailed for Constradt in 1830. Some forty of the carpenters, who had built the vessel, went out in her; she had immense, but symmetrical spars—carried vast clouds of canvass—was caught off Cape Henlopen in a squall—her spars came thundering to the deck, and poor Glenn, the ship builder, was among the slain.
The widow was allowed but a brief time to mourn for the departed; pinching poverty was at her door; upon her own exertions now devolved the care and toil of rearing her three children. Cynthia, the eldest, was a pretty brunette, of thirteen; the neighbors thought Cynthia could "go out to work;" the next eldest, Martin, a fine, sturdy and intelligent boy, could go to a trade; and the youngest, Rosa, one of the most beautiful, blue-eyed, blonde little girls of seven years, poetical fancy ever realized, "the neighbors thought," ought to begivento somebody, to raise. The mother was but a feeble woman; it would be a task for her to obtain her own living, they thought; and so, kind, generous souls, with that peculiar readiness with which disinterested friends console or advise the unfortunate, "the neighbors" became very eloquent and argumentative. But though the mother's hands were weak, her heart was strong, and her love for her children still stronger.
It is rather a singular trait in the human character, it appears to us, that people possessing the ordinary attributes of sane Christians, should so readily advise others to attempt, or do, that from whichtheywould instinctively recoil; the mass of Widow Glenn's advisers might have been far more serviceable to her, by contributing their mites towards preserving the unity of her little and precious family, than thus savagely advising its disbanding.
Newspapers, at this day, were far less numerous very expensive, and circulated to a very limited degree, indeed. But the widow took a paper, a family, weekly journal; and while casting her vacant eye over the columns, at the close of a Saturday eve, after a severe week's toil for the bread her little and precious ones had eaten, the widow's attention was called to an advertisement, as follows: