Miscellaneous Poems.
HERMANN; OR, THE BROKEN SPEAR.
An Emperor famous in council and camp,Has a son who turns out a remarkable scamp;Takes to dicing and drinking And d—mning and sinking,And carries off maids, wives, and widows, like winking!Since the days of Arminius, his namesake, than HermannThere never was seen a more profligate German.He escapes from the City; And joins some bandittiInsensible quite to remorse, fear, and pity;Joins in all their carousals, and revels, and robberies,And in kicking up all sorts of shindies and bobberies.Well, hearing one day His associates sayThat a bridal procession was coming their way,Inflamed with desire, he Breaks into a priory,And kicking out every man Jack of a friar, heUpsets in a twinkling the mass-books and hassocks,And dresses his rogues in the clergymen's cassocks.The new married folks Taken in by this hoax,Mister Hermann grows frisky and full of his jokes:To the serious chagrin of her late happy suitor,Catching hold of the Bride, he attempts to salute her.Now Heaven knows what Had become of the lot,It's Turtle to Tripe they'd have all gone to pot—If a dumb Lady, one Of her friends, had not runTo her aid, and, quite scandalized, stopp'd all his fun!Just conceive what a caper He cut, when her taperLong fingers scrawled this upon whitey-brown paper,(At the instant he seized, and before he had kissed her)—"Ha' done, Mister Hermann! for shame! it's your sister!"His hair stands on end,—he desists from his tricks,And remains in "a pretty particular fix."As he knows Sir John Nicholl Still keeps rods in pickle,Offences of this kind severely to tickle,At so near an escape from his court and its sentenceHis eyes fill with tears, and his breast with repentance:So, picking and stealing, And unrighteous dealing,Of all sorts, he cuts, from this laudable feeling:Of wickedness weary, With many a tear, heNow takes a French leave of the vileCondottieri:And the next thing we hear of this penitent villain,He is begging in rags in the suburbs of Milan.Half starv'd, meagre, and pale, His energies fail,When his sister comes in with a pot of mild ale;But though tatter'd his jerkins,His heart is whole,—workingsOf conscience debar him from "Barclay and Perkins.""I'll drink," exclaims he, "Nothing stronger than tea,And that but the worst and the weakest Bohea,Till I've done—from my past scenes of folly a far actor—Some feat shall redeem both my wardrobe and character."At signs of remorse so decided and visibleNought can equal the joy of his fair sister Isabel,And the Dumb Lady too, Who runs off to a Jew,And buys him a coat of mail spick and span new,In the hope that his prowess and deeds as a KnightWill keep his late larcenies quite out of sight.By the greatest good luck, his old friends the bandittiChoose this moment to make an attack on the city!Now you all know the way Heroes hack, hew, and slay,When once they get fairly mixed up in a fray:Hermann joins in themêlée, Pounds this to a jelly,Runs that through the back, and a third through the belly.Till many a broken bone, bruised rib, and flat head,Make hisci-devantfriends curse the hour that he ratted.Amid so many blows, Of course you'll supposeHe must get a black eye, or, at least, bloody nose:"Take that!" cried a bandit, and struck, while he spoke it,His spear in his breast, and, in pulling out, broke it.Hermann fainted away When, as breathless he lay,A rascal claimed all the renown of the day;A recreant, cowardly, white-livered knight,Who had skulked in a furze-bush the whole of the fight.But the Dumb Lady soon Put some gin in a spoon,And half strangles poor Hermann, who wakes from his swoon,And exhibits his wound, when the head of the spearFits its handle, and makes its identity clear.The murder thus out, Hermann'sfêtedand thanked,While his rascally rival gets tossed in a blanket:And to finish the play— As reformed rakes, they say,Make the best of all husbands—the very same dayHermann sends for a priest, as he must wed with some—lady,Buys a ring and a licence, and marries the Dumb Lady.Moral.Take warning, young people of every degree,From Hermann's example, and don't live too free!If you get in bad company, fly from it soon!If you chance to get thrash'd, take some gin in a spoon;And remember, since wedlock's notallsugar-candy,If you wish to 'scape "wigging," a dumb wife's the dandy!
An Emperor famous in council and camp,Has a son who turns out a remarkable scamp;Takes to dicing and drinking And d—mning and sinking,And carries off maids, wives, and widows, like winking!Since the days of Arminius, his namesake, than HermannThere never was seen a more profligate German.He escapes from the City; And joins some bandittiInsensible quite to remorse, fear, and pity;Joins in all their carousals, and revels, and robberies,And in kicking up all sorts of shindies and bobberies.Well, hearing one day His associates sayThat a bridal procession was coming their way,Inflamed with desire, he Breaks into a priory,And kicking out every man Jack of a friar, heUpsets in a twinkling the mass-books and hassocks,And dresses his rogues in the clergymen's cassocks.The new married folks Taken in by this hoax,Mister Hermann grows frisky and full of his jokes:To the serious chagrin of her late happy suitor,Catching hold of the Bride, he attempts to salute her.Now Heaven knows what Had become of the lot,It's Turtle to Tripe they'd have all gone to pot—If a dumb Lady, one Of her friends, had not runTo her aid, and, quite scandalized, stopp'd all his fun!Just conceive what a caper He cut, when her taperLong fingers scrawled this upon whitey-brown paper,(At the instant he seized, and before he had kissed her)—"Ha' done, Mister Hermann! for shame! it's your sister!"His hair stands on end,—he desists from his tricks,And remains in "a pretty particular fix."As he knows Sir John Nicholl Still keeps rods in pickle,Offences of this kind severely to tickle,At so near an escape from his court and its sentenceHis eyes fill with tears, and his breast with repentance:So, picking and stealing, And unrighteous dealing,Of all sorts, he cuts, from this laudable feeling:Of wickedness weary, With many a tear, heNow takes a French leave of the vileCondottieri:And the next thing we hear of this penitent villain,He is begging in rags in the suburbs of Milan.Half starv'd, meagre, and pale, His energies fail,When his sister comes in with a pot of mild ale;But though tatter'd his jerkins,His heart is whole,—workingsOf conscience debar him from "Barclay and Perkins.""I'll drink," exclaims he, "Nothing stronger than tea,And that but the worst and the weakest Bohea,Till I've done—from my past scenes of folly a far actor—Some feat shall redeem both my wardrobe and character."At signs of remorse so decided and visibleNought can equal the joy of his fair sister Isabel,And the Dumb Lady too, Who runs off to a Jew,And buys him a coat of mail spick and span new,In the hope that his prowess and deeds as a KnightWill keep his late larcenies quite out of sight.By the greatest good luck, his old friends the bandittiChoose this moment to make an attack on the city!Now you all know the way Heroes hack, hew, and slay,When once they get fairly mixed up in a fray:Hermann joins in themêlée, Pounds this to a jelly,Runs that through the back, and a third through the belly.Till many a broken bone, bruised rib, and flat head,Make hisci-devantfriends curse the hour that he ratted.Amid so many blows, Of course you'll supposeHe must get a black eye, or, at least, bloody nose:"Take that!" cried a bandit, and struck, while he spoke it,His spear in his breast, and, in pulling out, broke it.Hermann fainted away When, as breathless he lay,A rascal claimed all the renown of the day;A recreant, cowardly, white-livered knight,Who had skulked in a furze-bush the whole of the fight.But the Dumb Lady soon Put some gin in a spoon,And half strangles poor Hermann, who wakes from his swoon,And exhibits his wound, when the head of the spearFits its handle, and makes its identity clear.The murder thus out, Hermann'sfêtedand thanked,While his rascally rival gets tossed in a blanket:And to finish the play— As reformed rakes, they say,Make the best of all husbands—the very same dayHermann sends for a priest, as he must wed with some—lady,Buys a ring and a licence, and marries the Dumb Lady.Moral.Take warning, young people of every degree,From Hermann's example, and don't live too free!If you get in bad company, fly from it soon!If you chance to get thrash'd, take some gin in a spoon;And remember, since wedlock's notallsugar-candy,If you wish to 'scape "wigging," a dumb wife's the dandy!
An Emperor famous in council and camp,Has a son who turns out a remarkable scamp;Takes to dicing and drinking And d—mning and sinking,And carries off maids, wives, and widows, like winking!Since the days of Arminius, his namesake, than HermannThere never was seen a more profligate German.He escapes from the City; And joins some bandittiInsensible quite to remorse, fear, and pity;Joins in all their carousals, and revels, and robberies,And in kicking up all sorts of shindies and bobberies.Well, hearing one day His associates sayThat a bridal procession was coming their way,Inflamed with desire, he Breaks into a priory,And kicking out every man Jack of a friar, heUpsets in a twinkling the mass-books and hassocks,And dresses his rogues in the clergymen's cassocks.The new married folks Taken in by this hoax,Mister Hermann grows frisky and full of his jokes:To the serious chagrin of her late happy suitor,Catching hold of the Bride, he attempts to salute her.
Now Heaven knows what Had become of the lot,It's Turtle to Tripe they'd have all gone to pot—If a dumb Lady, one Of her friends, had not runTo her aid, and, quite scandalized, stopp'd all his fun!Just conceive what a caper He cut, when her taperLong fingers scrawled this upon whitey-brown paper,(At the instant he seized, and before he had kissed her)—"Ha' done, Mister Hermann! for shame! it's your sister!"His hair stands on end,—he desists from his tricks,And remains in "a pretty particular fix."As he knows Sir John Nicholl Still keeps rods in pickle,Offences of this kind severely to tickle,At so near an escape from his court and its sentenceHis eyes fill with tears, and his breast with repentance:So, picking and stealing, And unrighteous dealing,Of all sorts, he cuts, from this laudable feeling:Of wickedness weary, With many a tear, heNow takes a French leave of the vileCondottieri:And the next thing we hear of this penitent villain,He is begging in rags in the suburbs of Milan.
Half starv'd, meagre, and pale, His energies fail,When his sister comes in with a pot of mild ale;But though tatter'd his jerkins,His heart is whole,—workingsOf conscience debar him from "Barclay and Perkins.""I'll drink," exclaims he, "Nothing stronger than tea,And that but the worst and the weakest Bohea,Till I've done—from my past scenes of folly a far actor—Some feat shall redeem both my wardrobe and character."At signs of remorse so decided and visibleNought can equal the joy of his fair sister Isabel,And the Dumb Lady too, Who runs off to a Jew,And buys him a coat of mail spick and span new,In the hope that his prowess and deeds as a KnightWill keep his late larcenies quite out of sight.By the greatest good luck, his old friends the bandittiChoose this moment to make an attack on the city!Now you all know the way Heroes hack, hew, and slay,When once they get fairly mixed up in a fray:Hermann joins in themêlée, Pounds this to a jelly,Runs that through the back, and a third through the belly.Till many a broken bone, bruised rib, and flat head,Make hisci-devantfriends curse the hour that he ratted.Amid so many blows, Of course you'll supposeHe must get a black eye, or, at least, bloody nose:"Take that!" cried a bandit, and struck, while he spoke it,His spear in his breast, and, in pulling out, broke it.Hermann fainted away When, as breathless he lay,A rascal claimed all the renown of the day;A recreant, cowardly, white-livered knight,Who had skulked in a furze-bush the whole of the fight.But the Dumb Lady soon Put some gin in a spoon,And half strangles poor Hermann, who wakes from his swoon,And exhibits his wound, when the head of the spearFits its handle, and makes its identity clear.The murder thus out, Hermann'sfêtedand thanked,While his rascally rival gets tossed in a blanket:And to finish the play— As reformed rakes, they say,Make the best of all husbands—the very same dayHermann sends for a priest, as he must wed with some—lady,Buys a ring and a licence, and marries the Dumb Lady.
Moral.
Take warning, young people of every degree,From Hermann's example, and don't live too free!If you get in bad company, fly from it soon!If you chance to get thrash'd, take some gin in a spoon;And remember, since wedlock's notallsugar-candy,If you wish to 'scape "wigging," a dumb wife's the dandy!